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It took her a while to get out of bed, the warmth almost intoxicating. The first day of the year had always been the hardest somehow. No matter who she spent New Year’s Eve with, the following morning hit her with the blunt force of a whole year trying to outrun loneliness. It was inevitable once everyone was gone and she was sobering up. Her thoughts were her only company then.
So it took her a while to get out of bed and leave its safety and the pause it offered, but she managed it. She was thirsty and her mouth so dry it seemed to her she hadn’t hydrated in a week. She poured herself a cold glass, then another and, finally, a third one. How there always seemed to be space for food inside her, she didn’t know.
She rinsed the glass before placing her hands flat on the counter, waiting for the sadness to catch up with her, or at least the emptiness with which the new year welcomed her every time without failure, but in its place sat a still hope. She wondered if that was what other people meant with their cheerful wishes and empty quotes. Maybe they weren’t so empty after all.
Maybe she had unintentionally built her own misery, carefully making sure it would only be her and her bed once she woke up. No relationship had ever lasted enough to share the day, but it was a deliberate move on her part. Starting the year alone was easier with no commitment, no external burdens or expectations.
She had only woken with someone once and it was a mistake. His son was with his ex and the divorce too recent. Somehow he had ended up being the last one standing in her house once their small party was over. It would have been PG if she hadn’t taken Dave’s ride offer that made her rush out of the place before she could help Emily finish cleaning up. Hotch did, though, with no need to head back home so soon.
He had an arm around her when she woke up, comfortably curled up against him. It didn’t take long for him to wake up and then they were naked once more. He left after lunch and neither of them mentioned it again, but her heart and body never let go of the memory. It treasured his soft bread on her temple and the lightness in his hold, things she’d never had before or after that first day of a year… If she had avoided having company in the past, she actively pushed people away then, even if it was only to keep the memory of him untainted. The knowledge that they’d never have that again was silently understood between them.
What surprised her was how it didn’t make her sad. It felt like a bubble within their lives, a pocketed experience from another universe that they’d been lucky enough to have. Nothing really changed between them, and if they were a little closer, neither thought much of it, falling in step together in their evolving friendship.
With the heaviness of the new year still nowhere to be found, she filled a new glass and quietly made her way back to her room to find him sitting up in bed. He’d rearranged the pillow so his back rested comfortably against them and looked so peaceful she forgot for a moment he didn’t always wake up there.
“I was worried you’d run away,” he greeted with a raspy voice and a smile that she instantly mirrored while carefully crawling over the bed to hand him the glass, which he immediately took and set on her bedside table.
“Hmm, really?” she asked, gasping when he reached to pull on her hand, making her land on his lap.
“Not at all.”
His lips were soft on hers, and the way his hand cupped her jaw stole a shaky sigh from her. When Emily broke away, it was only to press their foreheads together and sit with the feeling, committing it to memory.
“Happy new year,” he whispered, just the way he had when she got home the previous night to find him sitting in front of her door. It was his first visit in years, even though he stayed in touch with her being even more constant than when they worked together. She thought it made sense once their job was out of the equation. He had grown closer to her, even when he was miles away and she often wondered what was keeping him from coming back.
It was a question she hadn’t been able to keep inside during their last video call, and he must have noticed the sadness in her eyes because when he answered, it was with the softest tone. He didn’t want to move Jack around again when he had found a new life and wasn’t that far away from college anymore. The boy needed to have roots somewhere and it was Hotch’s priority to make sure he did. Emily understood… Or she did in part, trying to forget that Jack had already started college because it wasn’t her place to judge. After all, they were only friends.
So when she found him sitting there, waiting for her, it took her a minute to process it was real. He said her question made him realize it had been long enough and he didn’t want her to think she wasn’t as important to him as he seemed to be to her.
“Happy new year,” Emily repeated, almost as stunned as she had been a few hours before. She opened her eyes to meet his, then briefly looked down, “Are you staying?”
Hotch didn’t need her to say more to know she meant more than the day, so he gently pushed her chin up with his fingertips and nodded, pressing a kiss to her nose when her eyes opened wide.
“Don’t play with me.”
“Never,” he assured her, holding her gaze until she dropped her head to his shoulder, trying to reign over her looming smile, “I talked to Jack. He said he thought I’d do it as soon as I dropped him off at college. Didn’t get why I didn’t and to be honest, I’m not sure either.”
“You were scared of me?” she joked, nuzzling his neck as if buying time. His news were big and she wasn’t prepared to hear them, nor for what they meant for them. The space and life that had so far only been hers could change in an instant and he was the only person she wouldn’t want to push away, even if it was by accident.
“I think I’m scared of losing,” he said so softly she almost didn’t hear it, but then she felt his hands gently pushing at her ribs, making her slide down on the mattress. He carefully climbed on top of her, but didn’t touch her then. Instead, he propped himself up on his hands and simply looked at her, “I’ve wanted to wake up with you again for years. Can’t risk ruining it.”
“You don’t have to worry about that,” she said with a smile, sliding her hands from his wrists, up his arms, stopping at the base of his neck, “We both know if anyone ruins it, it will be me.”
“You don’t give yourself enough credit,” he countered with a frown before finally reaching down to kiss her again, “You have been so patient… I’m here to stay, only for you.”
Emily pursed her lips, as if lost in thought, then she sighed, “That’s charming, but I recently turned my spare room into a studio, sir. You’ll have to stay right here.”
“It’s the perfect deal to me.”
They got rid of their clothes once more and it was exactly the way she remembered, or if it wasn’t, the feeling remained. It would be an adjustment for both, but for the first time in her life, Emily was excited to see what the new turn around the sun had in store.