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Everything was decorated.
Everything was smelling like freshly baked cookies.
Everything was so shiny.
Everything was so... Christmasy.
I'm the city there were multiple Christmas trees placed all over the streets and the shops and cafeteties were dressed in lights. Music was coming from the stores - all of them were playing the same songs that were engraved in the minds of the people just for those specific holy days. Different shades of blue, red, green, yellow and purple decorations were making the already crowded center more lively than ever before and most people seemed to enjoy the relaxing vibe.
Of course, there were always the people who were rushing because they left their shopping for the last minute, but it was pretty impossible not to get captivated in the celebrating spirit.
Even the Armed Detective Agency was celebrating those days, just like everyone else. Lights hanging from the windows, figures of Santa Claus on their desks, plates filled with all the different kinds of sweets (mostly because Ranpo insisted on having variety), hot cacao and a huge tree with red snowballs were making the place seem so much more bright. The detectives were busy as always but they were working with a lot of drive, humming the melody of a popular song playing on the radio.
The ladies had also made sure that everyone was dressed accordingly. All the members of the Agency were dressed in warm sweatshirts and they had headbands on the top of their heads. From Santa's hats to the reindeers horns (Kunikida didn't want to wear them horns at first but Yosano had been quite persistent) they weren't all completely in the spirit of it.
Out of all the people in the Agency, there were those who were excited the most.
Atsushi had never been so thrilled during this time of the year. In the orphanage, Christmas was also one gloomy day, with just one more sweet desert. He never complained about it. He was actually grateful for that since it was something rather than nothing. But this - all the preparations, the warmth of the Agency, the cheerful mood and the people - had been only a distant dream that was finally turnings into reality. This year, Christmas felt actually like Christmas and he was excited.
Kouka was amused as well. She hadn't celebrated anything after her parents death. Not only did it felt unnatural to do such a thing since she was feeling sorrowful but also she didn't have anyone to accompany her. In the Mafia, they had no time to spend on light-hearted songs and silly gifts. Red was only the blood of their enemies, not the ribbons or the snowballs. Thus, the little girl was happy to feel once again like she was home.
She still missed her parents and she was hesitant about the whole situation at first, but the whole picture of the Agency was so familiar and that was comforting. That was when she realized that she also missed the norm of being a child. However, she understood that she would never get back the life she once had and so, she decided to enjoy the kindness of the Agency.
But, even though everything seemed to be perfect, there was something missing.
"Hey, Kunikida-san-" Atsushi asked once the man placed his mug back to the desk after he took a huge sip of his drink.
Or rather someone.
"Where is Dazai-san?"
"I don't know Atsushi." Kunikida replied. "He never is around this place those days so I couldn't tell you."
"Does he have someone else to spend them with or he prefers to stay alone?" he said.
Kunikida shrugged his shoulders. "I really don't know." he paused for a moment before he added. "Dazai is always so mysterious, so it would be better if you asked him yourself once you saw him."
Atsushi agreed with him and the subject was dropped for the time being.
But it was indeed true that not everyone enjoys Christmas. Dazai was one of those people as well. He didn't hate those holidays - he didn't care about all the cheerfulness, the gifts, the time to spend with their families. He understood that the way Christmas was celebrated now was the result of the capitalizing economy and it was a way for the companies to exploit their customers but that was every other holiday (especially Valentine's day) and he didn't have enough energy to hate on all of them.
He was just uninterested in them.
He felt absolutely nothing towards them. Not anticipation, not excitement, not jealous nor disgust. Those kinds of celebration had never been part of his life so he never bothered with them anyways. Not in his early childhood and not in his mafia days so there wasn't any reason to integrate them in his life at this point. He didn't miss something he never had so he should just let the days pass by without being affected by the public's mood, right ?
Wrong.
Because even if he felt nothing towards Christmas, the lack of them made him feel emptier than ever before. Without having any specific reason, the past four (soon to be five) years, during those days, for about almost a week, he would eat almost nothing and drink himself to sleep every night. He would be on the verge of passing out - but never completely collapsing - and that's why he completely disappeared from the face of Earth. He didn't want to spoil the fun for the others.
Christmas day was the only day he went to a place that wasn't the supermarket in order to get booze or his apartment was. He went to Odasaku's grave so he could pay respects to his friend. It was the least thing he could do, especially since Oda was the one who deserved to be with a small family of his those days.
After that, he would return to his apartment and do what he did before - drink.
On the 26th he wouldn't go to his workplace as well. It was the day he took a break in order to sober up a little. The constant hangovers made it hard to keep himself together so he needed a little more time to collect his pieces and function properly again.
It was the same, shameful routine every year.
It was supposed to be the same this year as well.
Dazai surprisingly was sleeping. He had been drinking since early in the afternoon knowing that the day after it was Christmas. It ate him alive. He never had any problems with being lonely but now it was getting troublesome. And tiring. Dazai was always tired but now he was drained, mentally and physically. Getting up or writing or even just talking had become too much for him to do.
He was feeling melancholic over something he had never had the chance to experience. Dazai considered the people who applied that principle to their life pretty stupid and confusing. It's pretty much the same as a fish longing for the ocean - how could it know about the ocean and most importantly how could it miss swimming in the cold, clean, waters after spending its entire life in a tank? But, now he found himself carving the ocean which was nothing more than a star on the top of a fake tree.
Unconsciously, he decided that it was better not to be able to think at all rather than be left out with his thoughts and since sleep never came easily to him, he had to improvise.
Passing out it was.
However, that night something was off. A cold breeze in particular. He woke up shivering and genuinely annoyed. He looked around the room trying to find the source of the breeze and noticed the open window on the wall right in front of his bed. Anyone else in his place would find it creepy but he was just annoyed.
Had he let out a sigh, he got up and close the window before he got back to bed. Not even a minute had passed after he had closed his eyes and the room was once again freezing. He turned on his other side and covered his whole body with his blanket. He was too tired to get up once again.
Yet, it turned out that it was pointless. He was freezing pretty badly. He stood up once again but stopped in order to examine the place. It was completely silent - only the wind blowing the curtains made any kind of noise and he was alone in the room. It was pretty dark but his eyes were trained and so he could safely say that it was just his imagination. Still, he couldn't help but feel chills running down his spine. He shook his head and blamed it on the cold.
He assured himself that no matter the threat, he could deal with it. After all, he is Dazai Osamu, the Port Mafia's former Demon Prodigy.
He closed the window, hoping that he could return back to his bed and get some rest. But as soon as he turned around to head to his bed, he felt the cold breeze hitting him. He huffed and turned around, ready to smack the window close, only to realize that the window was still closed.
Yet, he was freezing. It didn't make any sense to him. He scanned the room, trying to find the source of the ripes of air, but there was almost nothing.
Nothing but a strange shadow lurking in a dark corner next to his bed.
Dazai felt chills spreading over his body.
It was definitely the form of a man and not some trick of the little light in the room. Someone was in his bedroom and Dazai found it hard to comprehend the situation. From who they were to how and why they had gotten there, he couldn't seem to find a fitting solution. There was no way they wanted to rob him, since the place he lived in didn't belong to someone who has spare money and if they were trying to rob him, they must have been pretty stupid because in order to know that he has money, they should know who he was as well. They didn't seem like they came there to kill him as well since they would have done it while he was still asleep.
That would be the main two reasons why anyone would break into his apartment but neither seemed fitting enough.
Dazai took a step closer to the weird shadow. "Will you show yourself already?"
The shadow moved, approaching Dazai and the second one felt cold sweat running down his forehead. Generally, he never feared or at least showed any sign of distress whenever danger was trying to touch his soul. Yet, at this specific moment, he was feeling nervous.
As if it was a miracle, or rather some sick coincidence, the windows opened again, blowing away the curtains and letting the moonlight fill in the room. Reddish hair, a sand colored trench and a face that regularly haunted his dreams were revealed.
Dazai felt a pain in his stomach - it felt like he was being stabbed and each time the knife was dragged out of the wound, he drowned in more and more blood.
The sight of Odasaku was not a rare phenomenon in his daily life. Especially whenever he was under the influence of any kind of substances.
"Hello Dazai." the figure of Odasaku said.
"Leave me alone." Dazai said upset if the way things turned out and walked past the shadow.
He didn't have time to deal with ghosts or rather the mirages his mind created.
Yet the figure grabbed him by his hand and he frozen under the touch. Because it was real. He could actually feel his touch, his fingers wrapped tightly around his wrist. Ever since Oda died, Dazai had hallucinated him, but every time he touched the image of him, it disappeared just as suddenly as it had appeared.
Now it was different.
He could only think one thing : I'm losing my mind aren't I?
"Dazai..." the figure said softly, as if he talked louder, Dazai would get scared and run away. "It's alright."
If it were an ability, it would have disappeared as soon as it touched him.
Dazai's eyes glanced over the clock on the wall. It was twelve to a quarter and the clock hand was moving, meaning that he wasn't in a dream.
A little light lit up inside Dazai's heart. A flame that had been put off in the past and was never restored, was slowly and hesitantly fighting to get big and warm. Dazai found himself trying to restrain his urge to jump into the warm fire and let himself burn. It was impossible for Oda to be alive, not after he let his last breath in Dazai's arms, and yet they lived in a world where impossible incidents occurred daily. Maybe he was mistaken and after all these years, his silent prayers to an unknown God were finally answered.
"Odasaku?"
That was the greatest gamble of his and coming from a man who played the possibilities on his hands meant a lot. There was no way he survived that gunshot. Dazai knew that better than anyone else. Dazai knew better than anyone else not to hope. However...
However...
The figure of Odasaku smiled. It was a bittersweet smile and soon as Dazai saw it felt a cold breeze - this time in his heart. It could only mean bad news. "I'm sorry, but I only borrowed the appearance of your friend. I'm not him."
The flame was put off again. Hope is a bitter poison and Dazai was feeling his insides burning after tasting that forbidden idea. It was stupid to even think that he could be alive, let alone allowing himself to fall right into the trap.
"Who are you?" he asked coldly.
He wasn't in the mood for anything. He wanted to go back to sleep.
"I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past." he said calmly. "But I've adopted Oda's mannerism and face so feel free to call me as you wish."
Dazai blinked as suddenly everything in his head went quiet. Then, he burst out laughing loudly, making the ghost look at him disappointed.
"Is this a prank?" Dazai asked. "It's a little tasteless and hurtful, if I'm being honest, and there are more ways to make fun of me. But, mocking the image of Odasaku? This is too much." he suddenly stopped laughing and his face got serious. There was something murderous about the his eyes glowing red under the moonlight." Get the fuck out of here before I kill you."
Being so straightforward was never his thing. He always preferred to challenge his opponent into a mind game. Torture them by breaking their mind - it was more like his style. But this once, Dazai's mind was the one being slowly torn apart. Who are they playing that awful trick on him and how did they manage to look like Oda?
"It's not a prank." the ghost replied calmly. "I'm here to help you."
"I don't need to get your help." Dazai snapped as he heard the figure taking the prank further. "Get the fuck out."
"My job here is to guide you through your past Christmas experiences." he said as seriously as ever. "That way you may find happiness."
There were a few words unspoken but Dazai knew them very well. If he was capable of such a thing. It was frustrating - he wanted to scream until his throat bled and his voice couldn't be heard anymore.
There was no such thing as ghosts or spirits or magic.
It was just reality. Plain, old, harsh and cruel reality.
There was a wooden box right beneath his bed. Dazai knelt and dragged in front of him. "Leave." he said as he opened it and took it out. "Before I shoot you."
"I guess I should just show you." Oda said not bothered by the gun pointed at him.
"There is nothing to show me." Dazai said coldly. "Last warning. Get-"
He stopped abruptly once he realized that he wasn't in the same room anymore. Yet, it was still very familiar to him - a place he had lived so long ago that it felt like an entirely different life.
They were in a dining room with a long table in the middle. Turkey, wine, salads and all the different foods were waiting to be served on the sets of plates spread all over it and three candles were lit up on a candlestick. Christmas decors were all over the selves and many portraits were hanging on the walls.
Still, Dazai could only care about one thing - the people patiently sitting around the table, chatting lively. People he had seen before - both adults and kids - and even though he could see them clearly, their faces were so blurry in his mind that he couldn't tell who was who. Not that it matters anyways. Every single one of them had been cut off from his life by the time he was thirteen.
"What did you do?" he asked quietly, still shocked from being once again at that place.
There was a young kid standing out from the rest. Brown hair falling on his eyes and a huge suit on him - his whole presence seemed funny, making him look comically older. He was trying to steal a piece of cheese from the plate in front of him and once he made it, the dog placed its head on his lap, surprising him. The piece of cheese fell on the floor and an exaggerated grimace of disappointment appeared on his face.
The kids around him - probably his cousins - started laughing.
Dazai clenched his fists.
He despised the way his whole behavior looked so naturally silly. Almost no one ever questioned him and anything he did. It was funny - that was all there were to it. He despised that clown kid.
"How old were you here?" Oda asked.
It was always like that. Whether he was ten or seven or eleven or seventeen or twenty, he was always the clown. It wasn't something he wanted but it was something he unfortunately needed to do. It was better that way. People didn't bother with the fact that he was his family's (if he could ever call all these cold faces sitting around that table his family) black sheep.
"Do I really have to tell you?" Dazai asked uncomfortably.
It was an unspoken part of his life. He tried to bury it in his memory and never dare to touch it again. Dazai Osamu didn't exist back then, so there was no reason to think about those ages.
"I assume that it will help you if you say it out loud." he replied calmly.
Help with what?
The fact that he drinks himself to sleep every night or with getting away from there as soon as possible.
Either way it didn't seem to have a way to get out of that situation so he decided to take a deep breath and let it out.
"I was thirteen."
Thirteen. As young as that. Other kids his age were waiting to open their presents and he was wishing silently to disappear.
He noticed the sympathy in Oda's face and it pinched his heart.
He didn't like any of that. He didn't like that expression towards him and he also didn't like the fact that it was on Oda's face.
"You were always like that, weren't you?" the ghost asked as he walked among the other guests.
"I guess." Dazai sighed. "I made sure they had a wonderful time."
Oda nodded slowly. "How about you?"
"What about me?"
"You weren't having a good time," he pointed out. "Why is that?"
"I don't think it mattered whether I was fine or not." Dazai shrugged his shoulders. "As long as I could make them feel fine, I seemed fine as well and I was content with that."
"Even though you weren't," he said.
Dazai looked at the little kid he used to be. He was miserable even back then, but no one was really aware of that. Knowing the thoughts behind those amber eyes was saddening and the worst part was that many of those thoughts were still accompanying him. His childhood was far from normal and he should be grateful for everything he had, but he just couldn't feel anything but immerse emptiness
He stretched his hand wanting to stroke the head of the kid. Sometimes, he wondered what his life would have been like if it wasn't for Mori or even himself. If that little kid in his place was anyone else who could be just a little normal. He could have attended school and then maybe inherited their parents' business. It could have been a great opportunity in life.
Just not for him.
He could have never stayed there that way.
His hand fell into the void, not touching the hair of that kid.
"Even though I wasn't." he sighed. "Can we just leave?"
Less than a year later, he would attempt to kill himself. But he would get saved or rather sign up for his doom. He got stuck in the mafia and a new part of his life began. His younger self would have never guessed what was coming for him.
"Of course," he replied kindly.
"Finally..." Dazai murmured that this nightmare would come to an end.
But once again, he didn't find himself in his bedroom. There was a lit fireplace and a couch close to it and on top of it, there was a petite boy curled up in a corner. His arms were hugging his legs and his face was buried in his knees. There were pieces of glass on the floor next to him and Dazai saw a red spot on the white carpet.
A bordeaux shirt, reddish hair and the smell of wine.
"Chuuya?" he murmured, concerned.
He looked smaller, significantly smaller even though Chuuya was naturally small.
"He can neither see nor hear you." Oda said and Dazai looked at him curious. "It's three years later."
Dazai nodded as everything started to click. They were sixteen, meaning that it was right after the Varlaine incident. It explained the pathetic situation Chuuya was in. The year before, Chuuya had completely disappeared from the headquarters and this one he wasn't in the mood for celebration.
It was only natural after everything that had happened.
He found himself one more time all alone, right after he almost found new friends who accepted him and made him feel like one of their own. His first friends were beside the Sheep and they were gone just because someone was trying to pressure him. A lonely year was about to come and Chuuya had to go through those days that are supposed to be spent with friends and family on his own.
Just like Dazai did.
"It had been a harsh year for everyone." Dazai said.
Oda nodded. "It surely was."
"What is it again?"Dazai asked slightly annoyed by his tone.
"Did you know he was like that?"
It was a simple question that could be answered with a yes or a no. Dazai felt like he was being interrogated.
"I could have guessed it."
Neither a yes or a no.
"He needed you."
"No, he didn't." Dazai said. "I'm not that kind of person."
"That kind of person?"
"The kind of person who can take care of someone and show affection, who can offer a shoulder and lend an ear, who can give gifts and who can love." he explained. "I'm not the one Chuuya needed."
Dazai looked at the boy once again. He was almost completely still, as if he had frozen in time, but he wasn't sleeping. No, if you paid attention, and be assured that Dazai did pay attention, you could see that he was weeping silently. Such a heart-wrenching cry, so unnoticeable and yet existent.
"He needed a friend." Oda insisted.
"I'm not his friend." Dazai snapped. "I am... was his partner and that is all there was to it."
His feelings towards the redhead had always been so difficult to describe, to acknowledge, to feel. Yet, somehow, Chuuya made it so easy for him. It almost came natural to him - the plan that would hurt Chuuya the least, the plan that hurt the most the people who hurt Chuuya... As long as straight-forward confrontation wasn't involved, there were no doubts, no boundaries, not a single thing that could stop him from being there for Chuuya.
Dismissing their relationship like that would disappoint Chuuya over and over again. Just like he had done all these years ago when he abandoned his life in the mafia.
"Maybe you're right." Oda said. "Still, he would have appreciated your efforts."
"Are you sure he would?" Dazai asked. "He is Chuuya and he has said multiple times that he hates my guts-"
Oda glanced at him, showing him it was time to get serious. Dazai sighed. "I never wanted him to be that way. I did everything I could to save him but it was impossible to save everyone as well."
"He doesn't blame you." Oda said. "He only blames himself."
"I can't take away all the guilt, can I?" it came out as a complaint.
He couldn't understand why he was there and why he was being asked all these questions. Chuuya had nothing to do with his horrible relationship with holidays so it made no sense to him. Maybe he could have done more things to make it easier for both of them. Maybe he could have dragged him to dance a little longer with him in that banquet when they were seventeen or maybe he could have gifted him something when they were fifteen.
"I told you." Oda said. "You could have tried to get him out of his misery."
"But-"
"But you were sinking in your own."
Dazai closed his mouth annoyed, trying to to hide the fact that his words hurt. It was true. Sometimes he failed to see beyond his pain even if he was skilled when it came to reading people. It was embarrassing.
"Are we done here?"
The sight of Chuuya pained him more than he would like to admit. He felt relief when the landscape around them shift, but soon he would wish he hadn't since it somehow got worse.
They were in a basement with a few lamps spreading a faded light all over the place. He was standing in the middle of the room with a boy knelt in front of him. Dazai recognized Akutagawa even though he was a lot younger than he remembered.
"Again." Dazai's figure said.
Akutagawa was breathing heavily, sweating all over the place, and yet he nodded and stood up. He was shaking and tried to attack but he was too weak and past Dazai easily deflected it.
"I expect more from you Akutagawa." his past self said. "But so far you've been nothing but a disappointment."
"Forgive me, Dazai-San."
Tired, bruised up, embarrassed and sincere.
Dazai wanted to get out of that as soon as possible. He remembered that day clearly - his last Christmas in the Port Mafia. He had taken Akutagawa under his wing and he insisted on training him as soon and as much as possible. He had been harsh on him, even cruel as he made sure that the boy would spill his blood and sweat in that room before he was dismissed.
His watched as his past self placed his hand on Akutagawa's shoulder. "I could forgive you, Akutagawa-kun" his voice was gentle and maybe his words brought the tiniest bits of comfort in the trainee. But, immediately he switched back to the demon prodigy and his eyes glow red, before he landed a punch on Akutagawa's face, making him trip and fall on the floor. "However, your enemies won't."
Dazai was feeling odd watching that scene.He glanced away, turning his attention to Oda, standing next to him.
"I did what I had to do."
He was doing the right thing - he was helping Akutagawa become stronger because there would be time he would have to fight. And Akutagawa did learn and he did become stronger.
"Why are you excusing yourself right now?"
Dazai looked at him anxiously. "I'm not. I'm just telling the truth."
"He has a sister, doesn't he?" he asked. "He could have spent it with her, you know."
Dazai sighed and looked back at Akutagawa who had just got up. "It's the mafia here. We don't celebrate, we don't decorate, we don't kiss under the mistletoe or exchange presents. Get over it."
Oda looked at the boy and the figure of Dazai's past self. He looked terrifying even though he was barely eighteen. He didn't seem to be happy, he didn't seem to be sad either. It was very similar to a machine, a body ready to get used without a heart to feel pain or a brain to express his wants and needs.
That was the Dazai Osamu of the Port Mafia.
"I'm wasting my time here." his past self said and turned his back on the kid. "Make sure that the next time I see you won't repeat the same mistakes again and again."
Dazai closed his eyes not wanting to look at the kid. He was hurt - deeply hurt - and he was only a teenager.
"Dazai, take a look at this." he heard the voice of Oda.
Dazai looked curiously at Akutagawa. The boy walked to the other side of the room, his fist and jaw clenched, and Dazai followed him. He stopped to search something inside the bag with his clothes and got a small box out of it to Dazai's surprise. The box didn't have wrapped paper around it, only a silver bow on the top of it.
Akutagawa held it tightly in his hand and looked at it with disheartened and disgusted.
"Rashomon." he said and the demonized piece of cloth tore apart the box and broke its content, making small pieces of glass and gears fall on the ground.
Akutagawa was frustrated. With himself, with his ability, with the destroyed gift and with life. He ran his finger through his hair and took a deep breath as he pulled them. He flinched from the pain and finally managed to calm down. With one last sigh he headed to the same exit Dazai had used.
"Fuck this shit." he murmured loudly just enough so Dazai heard him.
"The thing is-" Oda stopped as soon as he realized that Dazai wasn't next to him as he was mere moments ago.
No, he had knelt to the place Akutagawa was standing before and he was holding some of the pieces that were left behind. His hand was covering his mouth and his eyes were open wide as he examined the gears and the silver chain. He slowly turned around, his eyes meeting Oda's and there was something remotely close to guilt reflecting in them.
"It was a watch, wasn't it?" he said mostly to himself. "And it was for me."
He grabbed a piece of paper that was probably a card. It has been torn in half but the words were clear on the half he found. Black pen and very neat and carefully written cursive letters :
Merry Christmas
Dazai-San
Dazai crumbled the piece of paper in his fist.
"Why?" he asked and his voice cracked. "Why are you showing me all of this?"
Oda walked closer to him and crouched next to him. He was a little taller than him and Dazai seemed like a little kid getting punished after getting into trouble. Oda didn't like that - he didn't want to punish Dazai, he wanted to advise him, although it was harsh for him.
"I want you to get better." he said. "I know that you don't believe that you have a heart and I won't try to convince you otherwise. But the people around you do have a heart, Dazai, and its beating loudly. You fail to hear them, though, and that..." he stopped and looked at Dazai's eyes as he was already starring at him intensely. He was lost, so lost, and was desperately trying something to hang from. Oda took a deep breath before he finally continued. "That makes you lonely."
Dazai hid his face in his palms. "I had almost made it, okay? I had Ango, I had you and maybe I could have found a way to celebrate Christmas. I would be, how old, nineteen? It would be a first, if I'm being honest, but you-" a sob cut him off and he finally decided to face Oda- "you were gone before I had my birthday. I lost you just when I had finally found someone who made me feel understood, a person who I wouldn't mind if I listened to Christmas carols with, but you left me behind! Why did you do that? Why did you-"
His voice echoed and then faded slowly in the room as he froze realizing what he was talking about. Then, he re-evaluated the situation and realized that those grayish eyes didn't belong to his Odasaku. He looked like him, talked like him, acted like him but he wasn't him.
"I'm sorry." he managed to murmur.
For a moment he forgot everything. He forgot where they were, he forgot that they'd been in the past, he forgot that he was talking to a ghost. His friend had gotten back just so he could listen to his venting. It was his mistake that he let his guard down and he was feeling bad about it. He regretted lashing out like, especially at a time like that.
He felt a warm hand on his shoulder. "It's alright. You have feelings as well, even if you don't understand them."
Dazai was looking at the floor still embarrassed of what had happened and what he said.
"Don't let your past consume you, okay?" he asked quietly. "It doesn't define you, not anymore, and it's fine if you let go of it."
Dazai finally decided to take his eyes off the ground. They weren't frightened or frightening but sparkling and for the first time in forever he didn't seem as lifeless as he found himself to be.
"Odasaku..." he said almost as if he had been hypnotized by the words he had just heard. "I miss him."
"I know you do." the ghost said kindly. "He knows that as well and he misses you too, but he is always there with you."
"Is he?" Dazai asked and he sounded like a little kid, hoping that his parents would confirm the existence of Santa Claus and even though it was so silly, it was just so necessary.
"Yes, he is." he said reassuringly and it was enough to overcome any doubts Dazai had. In his heart, if he ever had one, Dazai knew it but it was perfect hearing it coming from someone else. "Now, we got to go back. You'll have another visitor soon."
"Another visitor?"
It was too late.
He was back in his room, sitting on his bed and Oda had disappeared. Dazai blinked a few times before he looked at the clock. An hour had passed since the ghost first visited him and he tried to collect his thoughts and put them in order.
It was impossible to actually believe that everything that had happened was true and not some sort of sick and twist game his imagination played on him. Yet, it had felt too real for it to be fake. The more he thought about it, the less sense it made but still...
He needed to believe that it really was.
Because if it was, it meant that Odasaku still cared about him.
The window was closed.
The clock was ticking.
His head was hurting.
Each time the clock hands moved there was one more stab on his chest, more painful than the previous one. It was one in the morning. It was officially Christmas. Yet, it didn't feel like it.
Eventually, he decided to go back to sleep. That way the night would pass in a flash and he would only have to deal with the rest of the day in the morning. It would be better that way since he would have some time to clear up his head.
Yet, before he even had the chance to cover himself with the sheets, he heard a voice calling to him.
"Dazai-san?"
Kind and shy, just as always.
So that had to be the visitor the previous ghost had talked about. Suddenly, his faith was being restored.
"Atsushi-kun?" he asked, confused.
He saw a figure coming out from the very same place the other ghost had appeared. Silver hair, cut unevenly, white button up with black trousers, suspenders and a tie and a long belt resembling a tail - pretty much like he student.
"Not quite so." the boy said and rubbed his shoulder awkwardly. "I'm the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come."
"So basically of the future?" Dazai asked.
"You could say so." Atsushi said. "What I'm going to do is show you your future five years from now."
Dazai was intrigued. It was getting exciting all over again since he couldn't possibly know where he would find himself at that point of his life. Generally, he had an idea about what might happen but it was still far away from them.
He still had time left.
And, of course it couldn't be half sorrowful of his past.
"I see how it is." Dazai replied calmly. "I'm ready to go."
Atsushi nodded nervously.
Everything around them changed once again.
Dazai didn't know what to expect but it certainly wasn't that. They were in an open space, with many trees around them and a beautiful golden light gracefully lighting up the place. Yet, it was a cold place. It seemed pretty abandoned, with zero people around except them, and a few white stones aligned. Dazai had never been a fan of graveyards since he only visited the grave of the only friend he ever lost.
His name was one of the graves. People are not supposed to see their names on their gravestones and yet, there he was leaning towards the marble on which the words Dazai Osamu and the date he died were engraved. His skin burned as he came into contact with it and his heart sank deeper in despair. That very moment felt like something forbidden - like he was breaking a taboo - and he hated the chills he got from doing so.
Considering the fact that they had traveled 5 years in the future, that grave was made 3 years ago. Dazai Osamu had only two years left to live.
"How?" that's the only question he could ask since he found it hard to speak.
"We don't know." Atsushi replied and Dazai looked at him surprised.
"What do you mean you don't know?" he asked, confused.
"Everyone believes that you died-" he explained- "but in fact, you just disappeared Dazai."
The blood in his veins froze. "What?"
"There was this fight, you know." he said. "It was pretty bad and...well, a huge part of the city was destroyed and plenty of people lost their lives. It was a tragedy. The agency, though, made it out almost unscathed."
"Then what happened to me?" he felt chills spreading to his body. It was impossible to imagine an end like that, let alone having it turn into reality.
"No one saw you alive after the fight." Atsushi said. "However, your body wasn't found as well."
Dazai tried to put the pieces together. In those minutes he took for himself, he didn't manage to make any sense out of the situation. His death seemed an impossible scenario - it wasn't very much like him. However, there was only one other possible reason and compared to the first one, it was so much worse that it made Dazai's inside twist.
"They tried to search for you, you know." Atsushi explained. "But it was all fruitless efforts. Eventually you were pronounced dead."
"I would never leave them behind."
That was the very truth. He liked the people in the Agency with all their quirks. He could never see why he would abandon them without a warning or an explanation. Atsushi, Kunikida, Ranpo, Yosano, the Tanizaki siblings, Kenji, Koyka, the President - they were almost his family, something he didn't get to have in the Port Mafia.
"Then what is this?" Atsushi asked. "Where are you now, Dazai?"
"I don't know!" Dazai said, frustrated. "How could I know where I'd be in five years? I don't even know whether I'm dead or alive."
"Does it really matter?" Atsushi asked. "You end up alone either way."
Dazai gulped nervously. He had decided not to ignore that part of the situation until he figured out what was happening. Still, it was brought up right then and now and it turned out it was the very substance of it.
"We'll get to that as well."
"There is nothing to get at." Atsushi complained. "You are either somewhere on your own again or all that is left from you is this name on the stone. Do you see anyone here, mourning for you?"
"No..." Dazai managed to say.
Indeed, the grave seemed like it hadn't been visited in a while. Time had passed for everyone but that stone. His memory would fade and fade away and at some point Dazai will only be the name of a person they worked once with. It happens when people are able to move on - something he was never able to do and thus he couldn't relate to this.
"Is this what you want for yourself?" Atsushi asked curiously.
"No, of course no!" Dazai screamed. "I don't want to leave behind an empty grave, I don't want the Agency to forget about me, I don't want to be gone that way."
If only there was a flower. A proof that someone cared about him and a proof that he had lived.
"But nothing has changed." Atsushi said, confused.
"What do you mean?" he was troubled.
"You always spent your Christmas in your apartment without anyone around you." the ghost explained. "What difference does that make now?"
Dazai tried to find anything to say back at him and defend himself but there was nothing. Indeed, nothing had changed at all and yet he was hurting deeply. His soul was slowly bleeding dry and he could do nothing in order to bandage up the wounds.
"It's still not too late." Atsushi said.
"About what?" he sounded tired.
"Make things the way you want them. This-" he said and pointed at the gravestone- "is nothing more than a possibility. Build your future the way you truly want it to be, not the way you think it deserves to be."
Dazai looked at the grave once again.
Did he really deserve that? Did he really deserve to become a shadow of the past?
"Odasaku believed in you." he heard the ghost's voice. "Atsushi does as well."
"You think so?"
"I'm sure of that" he said and he smiled warmly. "It would be a pity to fail them."
A small smile appeared on Dazai's face, slightly encouraging himself. "I still have no idea how to do such thing."
"Don't worry about it." Atsushi shrugged his shoulders. "There is one more person who will help you tonight."
Dazai nodded.
"We are going to go back, so tell me when you're ready."
"Oi, Atsushi-kun!"
"Yes, Dazai-san?"
"Thank you for tonight."
The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come smiled brightly. "You're welcome."
And just like that he returned to his bedroom.
This time he was sure that it was all real. That realization was pretty terrifying because he learned and understood things he would rather he hadn't. Unfortunately, it was necessary in order to live a life with no regrets. He became fond of the idea overnight.
All he had to do was wait and that visitor would come soon. He could do that. After spending two years in the underground he learned how to be patient. It was a few minutes to two in the morning and he was trying to figure out whose face the next visitor was going to have. He really hoped it would be Chuuya's - that would be somewhat funny - but he doubted that.
Still, the time was passing by slowly but steadily and Dazai really felt like he was waiting for Santa Claus to come through the chimney and give him a gift. He had never done it before as a child and it was a first one as an adult. If he ever told his eighteen year old self about that night, he would get made fun of.
Eventually he heard the sound of someone, or rather something - walking in his room. Dazai looked at it confused. It was a cat. It had white fur all over its body and patches of ginger and black. So familiar that it made Dazai laugh. The cat walked all the way to his feet and laid in front of him. Dazai couched and petted it and once the cat was satisfied enough, it stood up and headed to the door.
Dazai finally was curious and followed it. He opened the door and got out of the apartment, following the animal, but surprisingly he didn't find himself in the hall of the building he lives in. They were on the roof of the tallest building in Yokohama - the Port Mafia's headquarters. Dazai would recognize that view anywhere.
The city was enlightened by all the neon signs and Christmas decorations and the cold breeze was pushing his hair to the back. The moon was right in the middle of the skyline and it was accompanied by thousands of tiny little stars - just as tiny as the people who were on the streets, trying to get back home after the night out. It never failed to amuse him and maybe he had missed it a little since he hadn't been there in years.
He snapped back to reality as he remembered why he had got up there. He searched the place around him and spotted the figure of a man sitting on the ledge. Dazai approached him and sat carefully next to him (he was pretty sure that even if he fell to the void nothing would happen to him but it wasn't a risk worth taking).
"Hello, Natsume-San." Dazai said kindly to the man next to him. "Or should I say Ghost of Christmas Present."
"Good to see you Dazai." he replied cheerfully as always. "Are you enjoying yourself?"
Dazai nodded. "It's nice up there."
"That's why I brought us here." Natsume agreed. "Don't you love our city?"
"Yokohama is certainly something else..."
"But you love its people more."
Dazai sighed and smiled faintly. "That is correct."
"You have helped in saving them quite a handful of times." he said. "I'm sure of that."
"Why am I here Natsume-San?" he asked. "The previous ghost said that you would help me."
"Tell me Dazai-" Natsume ignored him. "Do you see that girl down there?"
Dazai looked down. There was the petite figure of a girl, sitting right under a light. She was curled up in the corner in an attempt to warm herself up. She was wearing a coat but it was not enough, especially now that it was December. Dazai was confused by that sight but also saddened.
"She was kicked out of her house." Natsume said.
"She is going to freeze to death."
A heart wrenching realization that shook Dazai to his core. He was far away and he couldn't see the girl that well but she couldn't be older than fifteen at max. No one should be left alone on the streets at a time like that, especially not a literal child. Dazai never really cared about things like that but his time in the Agency had changed him. No innocent should suffer like that because of the situation they were born into.
"If no one helps her, yes." Natsume confirmed.
"Then, should I go?" Dazai asked. "If you let me go home I'm sure I can make it back in time-"
"That will not be necessary." Natsume interrupted him.
"But-"
"Enjoy your time up here Dazai and see what happens."
Dazai's heart was about to burst out of his chest. He could hear it beating loudly and nervously as each second passing was a second wasted. He trusted Natsume-sensei but that figure was nothing but a ghost borrowing his appearance. Yet, he reminded himself that it also copied his personality so that meant that it was very similar to the man who mentored his two guides - Mori and Fukazawa. Wherever he was waiting for it to happen, it had to happen fast.
Dazai was getting desperate.
But then, the miracle he was waiting for happened.
A police car arrived and two men got out of it. They approached the girl and once they realized the pathetic situation she was in, they took her immediately into the car. Dazai felt a sense of relief and a burden being taken off his chest, allowing him to breathe again. She would get saved.
"People care about others, you know." Natsume said suddenly. "You cared about her as well, even though you didn't know her."
"I know." Dazai said. "I couldn't just let her on the street."
"There are people who feel that way for you as well."
"Huh?" Dazai asked, confused.
"There are people who care about you, sleeping in that city and they want to help you, Dazai." Natsume said. "You don't let them though."
"I don't know how." a sincere answer, summing up the whole situation.
"You care about them as well, don't you?"
"Of course I do." Dazai said.
"Why don't you show them?" he asked him. "Be straightforward for once and go out of your way. Just for today, show them kindness and be the person you want to be."
"The person I want to be?" Dazai asked.
His conversation with Natsume was made out of riddles waiting to be solved and Dazai struggled with putting everything in place.
"You opened the door with your own hands. The other ghost just transfered you to the times they wanted to show you, but I gave you the choice of following me or not and you chose to do so. You came here knowing that I could help with becoming better. Dazai, you have a heart and it led you here tonight."
His words brought tears to Dazai's eyes - tears that would never spill but only burn his eyes.
He somewhat understood what Natsume meant but it would take him a while to fully put it in head.
"It's Christmas." Natsume said. "Do one more time what your heart says. I'm sure it is screaming at you what you really want to do and all you have to do is listen to it."
Dazai took a moment for himself. It was quiet and peaceful. What Natsume told him was ringing in his ears over and over again. And one idea popped up in his head. And then more.
And Dazai knew exactly what he had - what he wanted - to do.
"Will it work?" he asked.
"There is only a way to find out." Natsume replied.
Dazai nodded. "I will find out."
Natsume smiled proudly. "Good luck Dazai."
Dazai stood up and shook his arms in an attempt to get rid of the stress. "I'm ready to leave."
"I'm sure you are." Natsume joked.
"Oh, and Natsume-Sense-" Dazai smiled brightly- "Merry Christmas!"
Natsume smiling back at him was the last thing that he saw before he opened his eyes and realized he was back in his room, lying in bed.
He looked at his clock. It was six in the morning.
He was feeling a little fuzzy from waking up so suddenly but he decided to ignore that feeling and got up. If he hurried up he would make it in time. Whether his experience was real or a dream was something he would think about later or on. All that mattered now was to praper properly for making up all the time he had lost to sadness.
The Agency was open even on Christmas Day. It was frustrating the way they couldn't even enjoy their holidays properly, but that kind of job demanded their presence. Honestly, they didn't bother with that since they didn't really mind spending that holy day with each other. They were almost a big weird family after all.
That year, however… This year it was a little different.
"Honesty, Dazai-san you didn't have to go through all that trouble just for us." Atsushi said awkwardly, but happy that he unwrapped the present Dazai handed him.
"Don't mind it Atsushi-kun." Dazai said. "Its Christmas after all."
"How did you even manage to get all this things?" Kunikida asked, shocked to realize how much money it must have been for him. "Not that we don't appreciate it or anything like that."
Dazai laughed. "I got my way Kunikida-kun!"
"Then why don't you pay for your own lunch as well?" Kunikida asked, his eye twitching a little.
"No, I don't think I will." Dazai said and shrugged his shoulders.
Fairly enough, the hardest part wasn't the money but where he was going to get the presents since every shop was closed. Luckily, when you have money there are only a few problems that can't be solved and Dazai had money and knew exactly how to break into a place without leaving a trace behind him. Paying double the price should be enough for the owners not to call the cops.
Before he left the mafia, he made sure to take a very satisfying amount of money with him, enough to make sure that he could live a little too fulfilling life. Yet, his consciousness never let him spend it because he found it to be cursed and soaked in blood. They were part of the reason Odasaku had been killed after all.
Even though he sometimes really needed to use that money, he never did. This time, however, it was different. It wasn't for him but for the people he cared about and his heart told him that Oda would be rather happy if it was spent on his new friends.
Maybe on even more people than just the members of the Armed Detective Agency.
"Why do you have to leave so early?" Naomi asked, disappointed. "We could eat all together, don't you think?"
"Let the man attend his business, Naomi." Ranpo said. "Oi, Dazai make sure to have fun and be assured that if there are any earthquakes, you'll be the one to blame."
"Ranpo!" Yosano scolded him.
"All I'm saying is that Dazai has an ability to irritate people and there is a very specific redhead that isn't very calm." Ranpo complained.
"I'll keep it in mind." Dazai said and smiled, which was strange for him. "Merry Christmas, guys!"
"Merry Christmas!" all the members of the Agency replied to him with one voice and watched him as he left.
"I don't know what happened to him-" Atsushi said to Kunikida- "but I'm glad to see him like that."
"Me too kid..." he replied. "Me too."
Dazai had in fact a wonderful time with the Agency. He loved their reactions to their presents and he had also enjoyed himself while choosing and picking them up. It was something he had never done before and he was definitely a lot nervous about it, but everything had worked out perfectly.
They were happy.
At first he thought they were because they were receiving gifts, but soon he realized that it was because they were coming from him. They were happy that he was there with him and he thought it was quite amusing.
It made him happy as well.
His presence was wanted and that meant more than the words could describe to him.
He liked it so much to the point of believing that he could get used to it. Maybe his smile wouldn't be so fake after all, if things kept going like that.
But for the moment being he had to make a few more stops.
Firstly, the woods. It was a place both he and Akutagawa knew very well. They had met there multiple times and this one was one more to add to them. Akutagawa was already there waiting for him, kind of anxious about what was going to go down.
"Akutagawa." Dazai said once he faced the boy.
"Dazai-san." he replied, trying to keep himself calm.
Dazai's presence in space was always imposing, just like now. Dazai crossed the space between them, reducing the distance between them, and Akutagawa frowned surprised.
"Merry Christmas." he said and smiled faintly as handed the boy a small box with a red bow on top of it.
Akutagawa looked at the little box in loss of words. It was something completely new and unexpected to him. Coming from Dazai was a hundred times more odd to him and he felt unsure about what he should do. Thank him or run away? That was the two best possible reactions he could think of, especially knowing how unpredictable his former mentor could be.
Yet, instead of doing any of that, he untied the bow and opened the box. There was a watch inside. An oddly familiar watch that he could recognize anywhere, with black and silver details on the strap. He gasped loudly, knowing that it's just like the watch he had broken out of disappointment all these years ago.
"How?" he managed to say.
"Don't you like it?" Dazai asked and he noticed that he felt nervous, despite the fact that he was talking to Akutagawa.
"Of course I do." Akutagawa said, offended that he dared to think something like that. "But I never told you about any of that."
"Don't think about it much." Dazai said. "You've come a long way since back then. Keep up the good work."
Akutagawa felt moved by Dazai's approval, he could faint from moment to moment. It was honestly a miracle - a true Christmas miracle that was unbelievable.
"Thank you." he said, trying not to choke on his own words.
"I should be thanking you Akutagawa-kun." Dazai said and turned on his heel. "Tell your sister I said hi."
"I will." Akutagawa yelled. A few moments passed in which he gathered the courage he needed to add something more, something that he hadn't managed to say four years ago. "Merry Christmas, Dazai-san."
It had felt cathartic for both of them. Dazai was relieved that his plan was working and he was also relieved to see that Akutagawa was doing just fine. He was no longer the teenager he had taken under his wing back in the Port Mafia. He was a man who could stand up for himself and be capable of doing great things for their organization.
And, of course, the incredible team he made with Atsushi was something that Dazai was proud of. Seeing both of them fight side by side was not only interesting but also satisfying. They managed to grow not only on each other but also through each other. They helped each other in indescribable ways and they became protectors of the city and its people.
They weren't his little back up plan for whenever he and Chuuya couldn't fighting.
And Dazai was completely satisfied with that.
Speaking of the redhead, his favorite former partner (as if he had plenty of former partners) was the third one in his list of people he wanted to visit. His last and final destination. Maybe the most difficult person he had to face that day.
He took a deep breath and finally knocked on the door loudly.
"I'm coming!" he heard a voice from inside the apartment.
But also it would be the one he thought it was the most important to do.
A few seconds later the door opened revealing Chuuya, wearing gray sweatpants and a white t-shirt. As soon as he saw Dazai, he closed the door right on his face.
"Come on, Chuuya..." Dazai whined.
"No!"
"Just for the sake of the day?" Dazai said again, putting on his most dramatic voice. "Are you seriously going to lock me outside today?"
"Why shouldn't I?" Chuuya pretended to be curious about the answer, even if both of them knew it was a rhetorical question.
"Chuuya..."
Chuuya groaned and the door opened. "What do you want, scheming bastard?"
Dazai sighed. "I want to keep you company."
"Huh?" Chuuya was surprised to hear him say that.
"Merry Christmas, slug." Dazai said revealing the bottle of wine he had hidden behind his back the whole time.
"Bastard." Chuuya sighed and a smile appeared on his lips. "Merry Christmas, mackeler."
He moved to the side and Dazai got inside his apartment.
And even if the day had just ended there, Dazai could safely say that it was the best Christmas he had ever had.