Work Text:
"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.
But the very next day, you gave it away."
December 23, 2021
As the first flakes of snow began to fall and the frigid air filled the entire path, Pran finally allowed himself to feel lonely for the first time this year.
Everyone around him was happy and united, as only the Christmas spirit could do. The Christmas tree has been set up, decorations placed, lights throughout the dorm he shares with three friends. The energy was contagious. But he couldn't help but feel awkward.
The day before Christmas Eve, Pran needed hot coffee to survive the freezing cold. Louis and Safe, his roommates, decided to drive downtown to buy half-price drinks for the party they were having. For the first time, none of them would come home for Christmas and they wanted to gather as many other college students as possible. As Louis said, that was the fun of parties, meeting new people and having good experiences. Pran couldn't imagine how he'd do this by dropping drunk, but he didn't dare argue.
Wai was at his girlfriend's house and probably wouldn't show up until the next day, so Pran chose not to stay home alone, even though the cold made him rethink if it was such a good idea. The coffee cup, with your name scrawled beside it, sweats and wets the tips of your fingers, which are cold and almost shock when they touch the hot plastic.
Pran huddled inside his coat, looking out the snow-fogged window. Occasionally, bringing the coffee to his lips. He didn't realize how long he stayed like this, watching the kids outside playing snowballs at each other and couples walking side by side, whispering things so only their partner could hear. It's funny to see how everyone seemed to have their place in the world, seemed to belong to something, even if they weren't all that different.
Pran used to be part of something. Or at least he thought so. But then he screwed it up himself, with his stupid and out of place ideas. Sometimes he wished he could go back in time and change everything that happened. Or at least get a chance to fix everything.
That was the moment the cafeteria door chose to open, during a cautious sip of hot coffee, Pran's gaze still outside, oblivious to everything inside. It was the sound of the usual Christmas bells ringing to announce the arrival of a new customer that caught Pran's attention. And that's when he saw him.
The eyes met very quickly, almost trained to repeat that action over and over, whenever they found themselves in the same place. Brown to brown maintaining an invisible, almost palpable connection. Pran was used to looking, but not used to being looked back.
Pat shifted her attention only to speak to the attendant. He couldn't hear it from that distance, but Pran guesses it's the cappuccino and almond cream he loves. Pran tried not to stare, but it was impossible to do so when Pat looked back at him as he walked towards his desk. He looked hesitant, hands in his pants pockets and shoulders hunched, quite different from the confident, self-possessed pose Pat had always adopted.
"Is anyone sitting here?" Pat asked, pointing to the empty chair across from Pran.
Pran looked at the chair, then back at Pat, a crease forming right between his brows. Slowly, he shook his head.
"Can I sit down then?"
"Do what you think is best."
Pran tried not to sound so dry and resentful, but the tiny smile on Pat's face gave a slight wobble, before returning to normal when he finally sat up. It was almost so imperceptible that if Pran hadn't been so good at reading Pat's expressions, he might have gone unnoticed.
They were silent. An uncomfortable one by the way. Neither of them dared to say anything yet.
Pat's drink arrived, and Pran almost laughed wistfully at the sight of the cappuccino with almond cream in a transparent cup.
“I knew you would ask for it." Pran blurted out, mentally cursing himself. Pat smiled.
“I know I'm not as surprising as you are."
This sent anger rising through Pran's body. He squeezed his wrist under the table but said nothing.
"It's been a long time since we've seen each other" Pat said after a long moment.
"Yeah… I think we've gone on different paths since the end of high school."
Different and as far away as possible.
"What have you been up to?" asked Pat. He seemed intent on keeping up with the conversation.
"I'm studying architecture at USN. Pran replied.
“Of course you did, you've always wanted this since I've known you."
Pat's smile returned, wider and more genuine now. His eyes shrunk to give the curve of his good one more room. Pran wished he could not be so shaken by it anymore.
"Architecture is my great passion, I don't know what else I could do if it wasn't for that. Is that you? What have you done?"
"Engineering at the University of Bangkok."
"Now the redundant one seems to be you" Pran pointed out. Pat laughed.
“I know it sounds obvious too, but unfortunately I don't have a more exciting answer. It couldn't be anything other than engineering."
Pat always made it clear what he liked and explained it whenever he could, with his pupils dilated and an infectious excitement. Engineering was one of those things; Pran no.
“You know, I missed it." The quick change of subject made Pran dizzy. Then it all started again. He felt the fear rise through his body, turning into dread and then just sadness. "Talk to you."
“What do you really want, Pat?
"Excuse me?"
"You don't need to act misunderstood. We both know what happened the last time we saw each other. I just want to understand what's the point here, exactly. What do you want?" he repeated.
"Talk to you. Dammit, Pran, it's been 2 years!"
“Can't you understand that this is completely embarrassing for me? That every time you look in my direction I feel like hiding?"
Pat's eyes widened and he eased back in his chair. The same look from 2 years ago. This makes Pran's stomach lurch.
“I… didn't think you could feel that way. Sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you." Pat's voice rang out with a hurt that made Pran want to hold his hand and say that whatever was afflicting him would be all right. He stuffed his hands in his pockets tightly. “It's just that I've been thinking about what happened and I… well…"
No. Pran couldn't bear to hear him say that out loud. Pat talking about how much he appreciated their friendship and how he wanted them to go back to the way they were. It would be too painful.
“There's nothing to think about that day. Let's just pretend he never existed and get on with our lives."
Pat opens his mouth to say something, but his sentence is interrupted by the sound of Pran's cell phone ringing on the table. The display glows with the name "Waiii <3" flashing on the screen. Pran hadn't taken that off since his friend stole his cell phone to modify his contact. He cast a quick glance at Pat before answering, taking in the confused expression, frowning and pursed lips.
"Hey Wai, what's wrong?"
Pat's eyes remained fixed on Pran as Wai asked if he could buy cereal. Pran tried to ignore it.
"Yeah, yeah. It's fine. I'm going home now. We'll talk later."
Pran hung up the phone as he rose from his chair.
"Hey wait, where are you going?" asked Pat.
"House. It's too cold to remain outside."
(:(
December 24, 2019
Stopping to remember, the memories didn't feel like 2 years ago. They seemed to be from last week, they were so vivid. Pran remembered very well every detail, every speech, everything he felt before, during and after.
It was December 23, the last day of high school, and everyone in Pran's class had gathered for one last celebration together, to celebrate Christmas, before they each made their own way. Some would keep in touch often, some would rarely, others would never see each other again. Pran believed that he and Pat would be in the latter category. They were never close, nor were they friends. They always sank at very distant points between the groups into which the gang was divided.
But Pran couldn't take his eyes, and thoughts, of the outgoing, smiling boy who drummed around the corners with two ballpoint pens, ate with his mouth open, and had the most beautiful smile he'd ever seen.
He was in love and couldn't hide it anymore. Before it was just a platonic crush, for a boy he didn't even talk to. But now, after their year-end performance together, Pran's heart has been given to Pat in full, no refund.
Pat was more beautiful than ever that day. It was the first time Pran had seen him without his school clothes. The black blouse with some band print Pran had never heard of, with a jacket draped subtly over her broad shoulders. It was amazing how anything he wore made him beautiful anyway.
Pat spent the entire party with his friends, laughing, eating, dancing now and then, enjoying a huge smile that refused to leave his face. Pran could spend all night watching him from afar in the dimness of the room. But he didn't want to be so obvious, so he tried not to, getting distracted by the subject topics his friends brought up the conversation.
And then there was Ink. The girl laughing at a joke Pat had told. Pran had always known that Pat liked her, it was too obvious. All looks, attempts to please her, shared smiles. And Pran also knew that between a beautiful girl and a boy that Pat had never looked at twice before, the choice would be very difficult.
Pran tried to forget about it in the moments that followed. The party kept going, they ate and had fun until late. Until Pran, too tired of all the loud music, dodged his friends and walked to the porch. He just wanted to get some air, to relieve his ears of all the noise, but he only got more upset when he opened the door and ran into Pat. He was leaning against the wall, head back, eyes closed and a glass in his hand. Pran tried not to make a sound as he went back inside, but ended up stepping on loose wood on the floor and Pat opened his eyes quickly.
“Hey,” Pat said, an easy smile playing on his lips. Pran tried not to melt right then and there. "Are you tired of the party?"
Pran tried to smile back without showing his nervousness.
"More or less that. And you?"
"I wanted to get some fresh air."
Pran laughed now, genuinely. Pat eyed him with amused curiosity.
"Fresh air? It's freezing out here!"
"I think the drink made my blood hot." Pat shrugged. "I'm a little hot."
Pran could still make up some excuse and just go back inside, not have that conversation and end up embarrassing himself in front of Pat as one last interaction. But he dared to risk it, closing the door behind him and stepping forward.
"I wish we had more time before reality hit us." Pat said.
"What you mean?"
"High school is over, now it's just us against the world, not knowing what to do. I wish I could have enjoyed it more."
"And what would you like to have done that you couldn't?" asked Pran, genuinely curious. Pat shrugs.
“There's a lot I would have liked to have done, I wouldn't have known where to start."
"Like being able to stay awake during Professor Manow's class?" Pran tried to make a joke and congratulated himself internally that he managed to make Pat laugh.
“No, that would be impossible. She speaks as if she is slowly competing with a snail."
“On the other hand, Professor James talks so fast my notes are always a mess."
“I noticed you looking like a police station typist in his classes."
Pran tried not to get too carried away that Pat was noticing him.
Neither of them knew how to continue the conversation, so silence hung in the air. Pat closed his eyes again as he took another sip of his drink. Pran watched this closely, the glass touching her soft-looking lips, the liquid running down her throat, exposed by Adam's apple rising and falling. Everything about that scene was capable of making a whole band of butterflies have a kick-ass feast on his stomach. He needed to keep the conversation going. Or go away. But this one didn't appeal to him at all.
"What is it?" he finally asked, drawing Pat's attention again.
"This what?"
"That you're drinking. What is it?"
Pat looked at the glass with a strange expression, as if the drink had offended him personally. But then his face was fun again.
“I don't know. Leng gave it to me, so I just drank it. But it's good,” he explained, pulling away from the wall a little. "Do you want to try it?"
Pran's eyes widened without his consent. He didn't drink back then, so he wanted to say no. It would be the responsible attitude to have. But Pat was there, in front of him, with that charming smile and the glass held out towards him. He didn't think straight before giving a little shake of his head. His hand reached up to take the drink, but Pat was quicker and leaned toward Pran, bringing the glass himself to Pran's mouth.
Motionless, Pran could think of nothing but Pat's hand on his jaw and their connected eyes. Up close, Pat's eyes looked hazel, like the cream in the coffee he always ordered. Pran didn't realize he'd already had a sip of his drink until Pat took the glass from his mouth.
"Is it good?"
Pran then returned to the real world, trying to taste the liquid he had just swallowed.
"It's sweet. But it's not my type of drink."
"What do you like then?"
It was official, Pran couldn't think with Pat so close to him, devoting all his attention to what Pran likes and dislikes. It was cold, but he felt ready to melt. He was happy to see Pat from afar, grateful to be able to see her frequent smiles, even if they were directed at other people. Pleased with his sudden approach last semester. Pran could live with that, but he would probably regret it a lot if he hadn't tried it at least once.
It was just like that, with Pat still holding her jaw gently, the music playing in the background and the cold no longer touching their bodies, that Pran let out an embarrassed:
"I think I like you."
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
When Pran's voice reached his own ears, it was exactly the same moment Pat widened his eyes, letting his hand drop from his jaw. Pran instantly regretted having said anything. His mouth opened to try to work around the situation, to tell him it was just a prank, that he would never be dumb enough to say that in the middle of Christmas, but the porch door opened and out came Leng and Pat's other friends. And in the middle was Ink, beautiful as ever in her black dress and more animated than usual.
"At last we find you!" Leng yelled. Ink threw himself over Pat's shoulder.
“Your favorite song is playing,” she said. “The one we sang on your birthday and your sister filmed threatening to post on YouTube.
"She did this?" Leng asked mockingly. "I really want to see it."
Pat's other friends started jabbering, but Pran couldn't hear a thing. His ears were all ringing and confused thoughts. His throat was dry and he thought he would start to cry if he continued to stand there, with all the cold hitting his bones after the adrenaline wore off.
"Pran, are you all right?" he heard Ink ask, bringing all eyes in his direction.
Pran's legs gave out, he couldn't stay there any longer without throwing up.
“Yeah, I just…think I'll go back inside."
He passed everyone as fast as he could, not looking in anyone's face. Before he walked through the door, he could hear Ink's voice asking Pat what happened. Pran wasn't around long enough to hear the answer, reaching out to his friends as quickly as he could to wish them a Merry Christmas and say goodbye, before heading out the back.
(:(
December 25, 2021
"Khaning asked if she could bring her brother and some of his friends to the party," Wai asked, putting halfway into the room, cell phone muffled against his chest, probably in a call to his girlfriend. - Have a problem?
“If they bring drinks too,” Louis said, “our dorm will be like a mother's heart.
The Christmas party would start in a few hours and Pran wasn't sure if he was excited about it. He no longer felt the same excitement as his friends, that was obvious to everyone, but it only got worse after seeing Pat at the cafe two days ago.
It was a mixture of thoughts and sensations. A part of his that had tried to forget about him since high school was devastated, angry, and very ashamed. Pat was probably uncomfortable seeing him, the boy who came out to him two Christmases ago and provoked such a reaction, and only sat with him because he felt compelled to do so. Yet another part of Pran, the one well hidden and the one he tried to forget, missed that boy so much that it hurt, and was overjoyed to see him once more.
Pran found himself wondering what would have happened if Leng and Ink hadn't arrived just then, right after his confession. Had Pat had a fight with him? Even hit him? Unlikely. Pat was never aggressive with him. But maybe getting a look of disgust while being turned down was worse than getting punched in the eye.
His friends asked what he had, but to which Pran replied that he was fine, they didn't try to force anything or find out what was going on. Pran was grateful to have his space respected. It would be embarrassing to explain everything.
He helped with the party's preparations, from the decor—which Safe wanted in every way to be as Christmassy and funky as possible—to arranging the furniture so it was sit-friendly and far enough away for a makeshift dance floor. As they were one of the few students remaining in the dorms, they wanted to take the opportunity to have a party without worrying that they were going to upset the neighbors.
However, Pran had already decided. She'd stay at the party for a while, long enough to pretend to socialize and be having fun, and then go back to her room and try to sleep using her mufflers. A perfect and fail-safe plan, as his friends would be too drunk to contain him by now.
Pran just needed to hold on for a bit. But that little bit turned into a lot when Wai didn't leave his side all the time, too needy because his girlfriend was late.
"She'll be here soon, no need to drink too much now," Pran said, taking the third glass from Wai's hand. “It's not even 8 pm yet.
And as if his words were magic, the doorbell rang and Louis went to answer it, revealing Khaning, fully produced and stunning. Long black hair swept back and a bright smile gracing his face. Wai soon regained his posture to watch her approach.
"I think I'm going to steal it for a bit now, P'," she said to Pran, taking her boyfriend's arm.
- Please! Pran replied. "He looked like an unowned dog without you."
Wai gave Pran a betrayed look and Khaning just chuckled.
“Thanks again for letting me bring my brother and his friends. We didn't go home for Christmas either, and they didn't have anywhere to stay."
“No problem at all. The more people the better."
Wai put his arm around Khaning's shoulders and through the house they were gone. Pran would really like to know how they hide so well in a few square feet.
As they moved out of his field of vision, Pran watched the boys who arrived with her. Her brother, from what Pran remembered seeing them around campus together, he thought his name was Korn, came first. All pompous, looking around until he noticed a group of girls talking near the table and headed there. The other two trailing behind, talking to each other, Pran couldn't remember having seen them before. But the last one, ah… the last one he knew very well.
Pat returned his gaze almost immediately. The same surprised look from 2 years ago stamped once more on her face. Pran froze, not knowing how to react or what to do. Pran's head wanted to run, but his legs simply refused to move. Everything around him seemed to stop, the music faded, the chatter disappeared. It was just the two of them, locked in that intense gaze filled with hidden messages.
One of Khaning's brother's friends, whose name Pran doesn't know, comes back to Pat and nudges him to get his attention. Only then does Pat break that bond. They say something and Pran takes the opportunity to get out of there. When Pat looks again, he's already gone.
He needs air, the cold on his face, and as much distance as possible from Pat. Why did he have to be there? Of all places, right there? The brief encounter in the cafeteria had been too hard to deal with, he wasn't ready to see Pat again so soon. In fact, he would never be ready to see Pat again.
His hand was shaking, but he couldn't tell whether it was cold or nervous. Maybe both. Perhaps Pran's head could no longer distinguish the feelings. He climbed onto the roof, where no one would be crazy enough to be at that moment, and there he stayed for a while, trying to regain his lucid thoughts and control his heartbeat.
Pran didn't notice when the door opened, or when footsteps approached where he was, too caught up in his own thoughts screaming in his mind. But then he noticed, when Pat was beside him, their shoulders were almost touching, and his whole body tensed.
"We can talk?" asked Pat.
His tone was wary and Pran didn't even have to look at him to realize he was probably nervous. Seeing Pat nervous is something he never imagined he would be able to witness, not when he was the most confident and self-assured person Pran had ever met. He wonders if this is the reason for this and has strange feelings about it.
Pran answers the question with a shrug, not trusting his own voice to say something without sounding strangled.
"Why did you run away?"
Pran scoffs with a surprised and painful laugh.
"I didn't run away. I think I have the right to leave my own house and go wherever I want."
He didn't mean to be so hard, but before he realized his words they were out of his mouth. However, that didn't seem to disturb Pat's posture.
"I didn't mean today," said Pat. "That night 2 years ago. Why did you tell me that and then just run away?"
The mocking smile escaped Pran's lips. Pat was talking about the day he failed to reveal his feelings, so long hidden and neglected. He wanted to know why Pran ran and was never seen again. He wanted to remind Pran of the humiliation.
“I just wanted to avoid any embarrassment and make things easier."
Pat's eyebrow rose and his voice filled with indignation.
"Easier for whom?"
"For you. For both of us. I don't know. I didn't even realize I'd said too much, until I'd already said it and couldn't go back. I just… I wasn't ready to be rejected at Christmas time. Even more in front of your friends."
Pat didn't answer right away. Pran was regretting every second that passed that he hadn't gone to his room and locked himself in there for the rest of the night.
"Have you liked me a long time ago?" Pat speaks again a little later.
“Since seventh grade. At least that I remember."
By then, there was no longer any need to lie. Pran closed his eyes, feeling the icy breeze touch his face and his nose freeze.
"And why did you only say on the last day that we would see each other?" said Pat. "Are you aware of how much I thought about it? Not understanding why you left like that, thinking I hurt you in some way."
That question made To open her eyes again and, for the first time since the conversation started, look at Pat. Pat eyed him warily, but his eyes were sad. Eyes that had always been animated, now conveyed pain. Pran's chest ached with the realization that he was the cause of this.
"Do I really need to answer this?" “Pran was tired of it all. He had to control the lump that formed in his throat. “I always knew there was no future for both of us. There was no way you could ever look at me the way I always looked at you, sitting feet away. I wasn't supposed to have told you anything, not even that day. But I just couldn't control it, because I liked you so much, it hurt and I couldn't take it anymore, even though I knew you liked Ink. And then I saw you, after years, in that cafeteria and I hated myself for not having forgotten you. For still being that same insecure, silly boy. So sorry about that, I didn't mean to fuck you with your head, but I was never okay either."
Pran could go on talking. When it comes to Pat, Pran has always had a vast vocabulary. But he preferred to stop before he started crying right there.
"I didn't like Ink." That was the part Pat chose to answer. “She dates my sister.
"What?"
Pat turned so that he was facing Pran.
“Ink is my best friend. I don't think we knew at the time, but we had very similar secrets kept."
Pran could no longer keep the tears from falling, thick and fast. He noticed Pat's hand threaten to get up to clean them, but he didn't.
“I went after you that day.
"What?" Pran was getting repetitive already, but he couldn't help but be confused by that conversation.
“When you ran back to the party, I went after you. But your friends said you were gone. I didn't know what to do, it was all so sudden. And then you were out of sight. I got lost.
"What does that mean?"
“Don't you have any idea?"
“Pat, please, this is not the time to play with me." Pran asked, almost voiceless.
This time Pat didn't respond. Instead, he leaned in and kissed Pran, one hand on either side of her face.
Pran had always wondered what it would be like to kiss Pat. In his best dreams, the kiss would be euphoric, warm, full of hands and touch. However, that kiss was warm, sweet and agonizing. They shared all the will that had been stored at their core for years. The desire to belong, to each other, to themselves.
Pran placed his hands on Pat's chest and left them there, while Pat kissed him as tenderly as he could. They walked away not long after, foreheads pressed together and hands in the same places.
Pat smiled. A weak smile. He still looked very willing to talk.
“I didn't understand much about myself back then. But then you said that and it all made sense in my head. Everything I felt when I was around you, when you smiled and showed your dimples… I don't know, it's just… it all made sense when I accepted my feelings for you."
"Your feelings?" Pran asked uncertainty. "For me?"
"I think I've liked you for longer than I've been aware of." I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out.
"Is this your way of being amazing?" Pran asked humorously.
"Merry Christmas?"
Pran punched Pat lightly in the chest but didn't pull away. They were finally on the right path, following what their heart had been begging for so long. They stayed like that for a moment, lost in each other's gaze. As if they'd been lost all this time, but finally made it back home.
Pat left a chaste seal on Pran's lips.
“I want it to work this time. I can't stand to lose you again. Promise me you won't run away again?"
The question was whispered, a secret only the two of them shared on that cold and now no longer lonely night.
'I don't intend to go anywhere."
And that was the most honest thing Pran had ever said in his life.
):)
"This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special."