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“Think it will snow soon?” Yibo asked Xiao Zhan as the older man finished wrapping the last xiaolongbao, placing the uncooked bun next to dozens of others, ready to be steamed when their guests arrived.
He was using his mother’s recipe, and there were several other dishes made from family recipes brought by his friends. Everyone was sharing something traditional for their family, which meant everyone got a taste of home and also got to try something new.
“In a few hours. I hope everyone will beat the snow,” Xiao Zhan commented, checking out the window to see ominous-looking clouds gathering overhead. This week, snow was predicted daily, and things got pretty scary when the roads were icy in Seattle. There were viral videos of buses sliding down some of the steep streets, and Xiao Zhan didn’t want any of their friends caught out in the treacherous weather.
“They will,” Yibo said, kissing him on the cheek as he passed by.
“You sound confident,” Xiao Zhan said, watching Yibo as he picked up the stack of dishes for the dining room.
“Mn,” Yibo agreed, giving Xiao Zhan a crooked half-smile. “I told them to come early to avoid the snow.”
Xiao Zhan laughed. Of course he did. As a dancer who was often short on funds, Yibo was well-acquainted with making his way around the city in all kinds of weather. As an Amazon employee, Xiao Zhan had the money to make it simpler for Yibo, offering to pay for a Lyft if he was running late to a gig, but Xiao Zhan had discovered that his boyfriend would get defensive about things like that. So instead, Xiao Zhan would refill his ORCA pass when Yibo wasn’t paying attention, and Yibo pretended not to notice. It worked for them.
“When are they getting here?” Xiao Zhan asked, just as the doorbell to their apartment rang.
“Could you grab that? My hands are full.” Yibo’s eyes were laughing as he turned to carefully walk the stack of plates into the other room, and Xiao Zhan just rolled his eyes.
“Nithin!” Xiao Zhan called out as he opened the door to see his co-worker and his partner. “Priya.”
“Xiao Zhan!” Priya exclaimed, pulling him in for a hug after Nithin released him and walked in to greet Yibo, holding a bottle of wine. “How are you both doing tonight?”
“I’m…” Xiao Zhan’s voice trailed off as he took her jacket, unsure how to answer as he hung it up on a hook and beckoned her inside. Nithin chatted with Yibo, helping him put out snacks.
“That good, huh?” Priya frowned. Xiao Zhan nodded reluctantly, handing her a glass.
“I might have to leave for a few minutes,” he told her. “I’m waiting for a call from my parents.”
“How long has it been now?” she asked sympathetically, patting him on the shoulder.
“Too long,” Xiao Zhan said with a sigh, lifting his glass. “Not since I came to this country.”
“You’re still on a visa, right?”
“Yes,” Xiao Zhan replied. “I’m still doing well at my job, and they take care of it every year.”
“Politics got better,” Priya pointed out, and Xiao Zhan nodded.
“Better, but it’s still a lot of time and effort,” he sighed. “My parents want to come, but my dad had some health issues and now just isn’t…”
“I get it,” Priya said gently. “I’m sorry. That must be hard. Any plans to go back?”
“It’s expensive,” Xiao Zhan said, but they both knew that was only an excuse. “It’s just such a long trip, and work’s been busy too,” he admitted. “I feel like I’d have to turn around only a few days after I got there.”
“You both work so hard,” she commiserated.
“The worst part,” Xiao Zhan told her, “Is that even though I miss them so badly, even though I’d give up anything to be with them right now…” He paused, unsure if he should continue, but Priya just waited patiently, so Xiao Zhan blew out his breath and finished. “I hate that within five minutes of being back with them, I’ll be thinking about how much I can’t wait to leave.”
The two people stared at each other silently before Xiao Zhan felt a hysterical laugh well up. He surrendered to it as Priya started to giggle, and he burst into laughter that eventually tapered off into tears. Priya put her arm around his shoulder and made comforting noises as Xiao Zhan heard the other men stop talking. He felt Yibo’s arms settle around his waist as his boyfriend pulled him close, resting his chin on Xiao Zhan’s shoulder and kissing his cheek.
“That’s how family works, Zhan-ge,” Yibo told him. Maybe Xiao Zhan had been louder than he’d realized. “Thanks, Priya.”
Priya nodded, patting Yibo on the shoulder as she walked over to Nithin, joining him over by the fireplace and letting the two men have their space. Xiao Zhan let himself be led to the bedroom, not protesting as Yibo shut the door behind him, sitting down on the bed.
“You okay?” Yibo asked softly.
“I’m not sure,” Xiao Zhan replied, wiping his eyes furiously. “We should go back though. Not make Nithin and Priya do all the work for us.”
Yibo waved his hand dismissively. “They’re fine. We’ve helped them at plenty of parties. Thanksgiving? It would have been ruined without you there helping Nithin with the directions for the turkey.”
Xiao Zhan let out a choked sob. Thanksgiving had been so strange this year. Every year before, Xiao Zhan had just worked on call on the holidays. His coworkers were always happy to take the time to be with their families, and with Xiao Zhan’s so far away, it was an easy way to ingratiate himself with his team.
“He had no idea how big the turkey was,” Xiao Zhan chuckled. “If we hadn’t gotten it started when we did…”
It was supposed to be a lunch, but had turned into a dinner as Nithin had drastically underestimated the amount of time it would take to cook a “traditional” turkey.
“You’re the one who’s actually from here,” Xiao Zhan told Yibo. “You attended more ‘traditional’ Thanksgiving dinners than all of us put together!”
“That doesn’t mean I suddenly know how to cook!” Yibo protested. Xiao Zhan nodded. Well, that was fair. Xiao Zhan had just read the instructions and done the calculations.
“The arguing in the kitchen was what felt the most normal,” Xiao Zhan said with a small laugh, and Yibo grabbed his hand.
“Family is complicated, Zhan-ge,” Yibo said softly. “You can miss them, but you don’t have to feel guilty about having mixed feelings about it.”
“I do, though,” Xiao Zhan confessed.
“Look, if you could be with them, would you?” Yibo asked pointedly.
“Of course!” Xiao Zhan retorted.
“Well?” Yibo demanded. “Now you’re beating yourself up for not being filial enough while still doing the best you can? Come on.”
Xiao Zhan worried at his lower lip between his teeth as he focused on what Yibo was saying. Just as he was about to reply, he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket, and glanced down to see it was his parents.
“It’s them!” he exclaimed. Xiao Zhan began to set up his laptop while Yibo went to the other room to explain what was going on. They knew Priya and Nithin would understand, as they also dealt with the long-distance phone calls across multiple timezones, and when Yibo returned, it was to hand Xiao Zhan a glass of wine.
“Take your time, Zhan-ge,” Yibo whispered to him from the doorway just as his mother and father appeared on the screen. “I’ll cover as long as you need me to.”
Xiao Zhan took his time with his parents. Often, Yibo would sit in on these calls, even though Xiao Zhan and his parents spoke so fast that he didn’t always follow the conversation completely. Despite his childhood tutor being from Chongqing, it had taken Yibo time to get used to the specific dialect, but he was a quick study who had already been impressing Xiao Zhan’s parents by his improvement.
Thinking about how supportive Yibo has been distracted Xiao Zhan enough that his mother had to repeat his name to get his attention.
“Go be with your friends,” she told him gently. “We can talk more tomorrow.”
“But…” Xiao Zhan wasn’t sure what was bothering him, but he was reluctant to get off the call, despite knowing his friends were all waiting for him to join. He was trying to stay upbeat for his parents. Xiao Zhan wanted to show how mature he was, how much he had his life together so they wouldn’t worry, but this Christmas was one too many away from his family, and Xiao Zhan wished he could hug his mother.
“What’s wrong?” his father asked.
“I wish you both were here,” Xiao Zhan said with a sigh. “Or that I was there, it’s just work—”
“A-Zhan!” his mother exclaimed. “Of course we want you to visit, and we’re looking forward to visiting you and Yibo, but I’m just so glad you’ve found people to be with in your new home.”
“But it doesn’t always feel like home!” he burst out. “Most of the time, I feel so out of place.” He bit his lip and looked down, shamefaced at his emotional outburst.
“A-Zhan,” his father said softly, and Xiao Zhan finally lifted his head. His parents both looked sympathetic. “We’re so proud of you for what you’ve accomplished.”
“I know,” Xiao Zhan said, not sure where his father was going with that. His parents had both always been supportive of him.
“When I left home for work opportunities, there wasn’t this technology,” his father explained. “I spent years with only a few phone calls. No Skype, no Zoom. This is better.”
“It’s still hard,” Xiao Zhan said glumly.
“I know,” his mother replied, looking sympathetic. “We’re looking forward to visiting you. Once things get better for us to travel…”
“I know,” Xiao Zhan said, managing a smile. He heard the doorbell continue to ring as other attendees arrived for the dinner, and by the time he said goodbye to his parents, it had been almost an hour of catching up on family news.
When Xiao Zhan finally left the bedroom, a familiar song started to play, and Xiao Zhan huffed out a laugh. He had asked Yibo to turn it off when it started playing the night before.
Seems like everybody else is having fun
I wonder if I'm the only one
Whose broken heart still has broken parts, just wrapped in pretty paper
And it's always sad seeing mom and dad getting a little grayer
Xiao Zhan emerged to the living room full of friends drinking and laughing. He could see through the window that it had started to snow outside, and while he still felt a pang of sadness at how different it all felt from how his family was celebrating, when Yibo spotted him and lit up as bright as the twinkling lights on the tree, Xiao Zhan felt some of his loneliness fade.
Not completely, but enough.
Yibo clambered up from his chair to pull Xiao Zhan into a hug. “You okay, Zhan-ge?” he asked quietly.
“I will be,” Xiao Zhan said. He leaned his head on Yibo’s shoulder, holding him close for a moment. His friends continued talking around them as Yibo held him. Like Xiao Zhan, almost all of those in attendance were from other countries, unable to make it “home for the holidays” for one reason or the other.
Another year gone by, just one more that I, I couldn't make it home
And I know that they say, "Have a Happy Holiday"
And every year, I swear I sincerely try
Oh, but Christmas, it always makes me cry
“I’m glad I’m here,” Xiao Zhan murmured into Yibo’s ear as his boyfriend pulled him close.
“I’m glad you are too, Zhan-ge,” Yibo replied. “I know it’s not easy missing home.”
Xiao Zhan nodded. “It isn’t. But my home is here too. I can miss my family back in China, but I’m also grateful for this family.”
“And we’re grateful for you, Xiao Zhan,” Nithin called out, shamelessly eavesdropping. Priya hit him on the shoulder, starting to scold him, and another friend burst out laughing. It all filled Xiao Zhan with the familiar warmth of friends and family during the holidays, and he smiled as he kissed Yibo on the cheek, finally releasing him to move to the kitchen and start steaming the xiaolongbao. Everyone began to gather around the table, and Xiao Zhan’s lingering sorrow felt even more manageable as he came out to join them.
It was different. But it was enough.