Chapter Text
一 "from childhood i had never believed in permanence, and yet i longed for it."
Graham Greene
Jaeyun used to play the violin when he was younger.
His favourite animals are dogs, and he has a cream border collie named Layla.
He drinks a whole bottle of water before going to bed.
His perfume smells like vetiver and pink peppercorns.
(Sunghoon should know, he’s the one who bought the fragrance for him).
He likes waffles with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce on top.
His favourite season is Spring.
Sunghoon thinks about the little things he loves about Jake as the older presses him against the bed, beginning to push in.
“Sunghoon, fuck,” Jake moans, holding Sunghoon’s hips in an iron tight grip. His face is flushed, neck beginning to bloom red, lips wet with both their spit and it makes Sunghoon whine.
Fuck, Jake is his favourite person in the entire world.
♡
“You should hate me.” A beat passes, and Sunghoon speaks again, quieter this time, more vulnerable. ”Why don’t you hate me?”
Jake doesn’t miss the way the other’s hand seems to inch closer to his, as if he was working up the courage to hold it but was too scared.
“I could never hate you,” he takes the step and puts his hand over Sunghoon’s, making the younger look up in surprise.
“Sunghoon,” Jake starts, before pausing and letting out a deep breath, eyebrows furrowing as he thinks of what to say.
He has no idea what to say. What do you say when the man you thought was the love of your life, your soulmate, your person, shows up at your door a year after he left you with a single, “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to say anything,” Sunghoon mumbles, barely loud enough for Jake to hear. “I just wanted to see you again.”
Ha.
Jake lets out a dry laugh, devoid of all humour. “You had to wait a whole year for that?”
Inhaling sharply, Sunghoon tightens the hold he has on Jake’s hand.
“Jake… I’m so sorry-”
“Sunghoon,” Jake interrupts, not wanting to hear it. Not wanting to deal with everything that had hurt him in the past year, with the exception of Sunghoon himself. For now, he just wanted to be near him.
“Sunghoon,” Jake says again, standing up from the couch this time. “Come have a cup of tea.”
The younger tilts his head, blinking up at him.
“Please,” Jake hates the way his voice sounds, too desperate, too quiet. “Just let me make you a cup of tea.”
Sunghoon hears it in his voice, hears how much the other needs this.
So he nods, and allows himself to be taken to their table- no, Jake’s table now, sitting down as the other starts boiling the water.
“You know,” Jake giggled as Sunghoon nuzzled his face into his neck, arms wrapped tight around him.
“There’s something my mom always used to say when I was feeling down.”
Sunghoon looked up, eyes twinkling with adoration. “What was it?”
“That I should have a cup of tea.”
They both pause for a second, eyes unblinking, before bursting out into laughter.
“A cup of tea?” Sunghoon teases, poking Jake’s nose before pecking the tip of it.
“She was right!” Jake exclaimed, blushing, high on how much love he was feeling. “It always made me feel like everything was going to be okay. Like I was going to be okay.”
Sunghoon hummed, stroking the hairs at the back of Jake’s neck as he pressed kisses all over the older’s face.
“I’ll remember that.”
“How have you been?” Jake asks, the concern in his voice poorly hidden by an air of nonchalance.
“I’ve been fine,” Sunghoon stares at the kettle, avoiding the other’s eyes.
The smaller grabbed two teabags and a jar of milk before returning to the table, making their tea the way they both liked it.
Jake knew Sunghoon worried about confiding in people, never really wanting to do so. Jake never used to be one of those people.
“I’d really like to know,” Jake said gently, taking Sunghoon’s hand in his again. Sunghoon’s eyes flickered up to meet his, and he could see them turning glassy from held-back tears.
“I’ve been awful,” Sunghoon confessed, his voice tight. He gave a lopsided smile, one that was all too familiar to Jake.
Jake’s heart drops.
It shouldn’t, because Sunghoon deserved this. He deserved to feel awful, he deserved to hurt, after everything he had put Jake through the last year.
But his heart drops anyway, because it’s Sunghoon. His Sunghoon, his mind supplies unkindly. Not anymore, he thinks.
There’s a wild sort of vulnerability in Sunghoon’s eyes, as though he’s terrified of what Jake might say next. Jake watches as the other’s lips tremble slightly, looking like they were a second away from breaking into a sob.
Jake gets up shakily and makes his way over to the taller. Sunghoon stands up almost instantly, cup nearly dropping at the intensity of his sudden movements.
“Hey,” Jake starts, still unsure of what to say.
He doesn’t say anything - instead, he places a hand gently on Sunghoon’s waist, silently asking if it was okay to hug him. Sunghoon’s eyes pleaded, yes.
They’re wrapped in each other’s arms in a second, both heaving a sigh of relief at the feeling of finally being close again.
“I’m sorry,” Sunghoon says again, his forehead resting against Jake’s own.
“I know.” Jake’s voice falters before he can continue, and Sunghoon notices because of course, even after a year, of course he would notice everything about Jake.
The younger inhales deeply, as if preparing himself for what comes next.
“Jake, I know I don’t deserve your time, or for you to listen to anything I have to say, but please just let me explain.”
Jake mulls it over, deciding that it’s true - Sunghoon doesn’t deserve his time, or for him to listen to anything he has to say. But Jake is weak, as he always has been when it comes to Sunghoon, so he lets him explain.
And he listens.
♡
Jake gasped at the feeling of Sunghoon’s freezing hands against his warm thighs, mouth falling into a silent moan as Sunghoon bit his lip and started sucking lightly. Sunghoon hummed prettily before pressing kisses all over Jake’s face - two on his cheeks, one on his forehead, one on his nose, and a final one on his lips.
The smaller of them giggled at the cute gesture, eyes opening to find Sunghoon already smiling down at him, looking at Jake like he was the only person in the world. Like he was the only person he loved in the world.
“Sunghoon- oh, fuck” Jake broke off into a whimper as Sunghoon took a hold of his leg and hooked it over his shoulder, pressing deeper into him. He placed a firm grip on the shorter's thigh, digging his fingers in hard enough to leave marks.
“Mhm, feeling good, baby?” Sunghoon teased, all while fucking into him hard and fast, thrusting over and over again till Jake felt like he was breaking at the seams.
“Yes, fuck,” Jake’s eyes rolled back in pleasure as Sunghoon expertly snapped his hips, hitting his prostate directly each time. “Feels so- shit , feels so good Hoonie. You always make me feel so good.”
Sunghoon groaned into his shoulder, body growing hot at Jake’s words. After a few hard thrusts, Jake came untouched, moaning Sunghoon’s name like a mantra, face contorted in pleasure.
Sunghoon continued to fuck him through his orgasm before following soon after, shuddering and crying out Jake’s name as he comes hard inside him, vision turning white.
He promptly fell on top of Jake, making the other laugh and then whine from the oversensitivity.
“Sorry, baby,” Sunghoon smiled sheepishly as he pulled out, leaving a kiss on the smaller's forehead before getting up to grab a towel to clean themselves up.
“Hoonie.”
“Hm?”
“You’re pretty.” Jake says again, softer this time. Sunghoon looks up from where he’s wiping Jake clean, and when he sees how the younger is staring at him, loving and trusting, he nearly stops breathing.
Sunghoon groans playfully, making the older laugh.
“You’re prettier,” he mutters, blushing as Jake lets out a small hum, a smile apparent in his voice.
♡
“Jake?” Sunghoon questions, his voice soft, if a little bit unsure.
“I just need a moment,” Jake breathes out, eyes unfocused.
“It’s not that I stopped loving you. I didn’t, of course I didn’t. I could never stop loving you. It was just too hard for me to pretend to be okay all the time in front of you, and I know you never asked that of me. I know you would’ve wanted to help me through everything, and you wouldn’t have thought of me the way I thought of myself as, but I just couldn’t let you see me like that. I couldn’t let anyone see me like that.”
Jake never thought he’d be just anyone to Sunghoon, but he pushes through the bitter thoughts in his head while trying to understand the other’s feelings.
“Why.. why didn’t you tell me any of this before?” Before you left, the words silently ring in the air, haunting them both.
“I, I just…” Sunghoon breaks off into a soft sob, tears threatening to fall any second. “I thought that you deserved better. And I thought that if I didn’t say anything, it would hurt you less. That you’d realise I’d never be good enough for you, and it would be easier to find someone better, someone easier.”
Jake slowly looked up, jaw locked tight as he glared daggers into Sunghoon’s eyes. “Don’t you dare say that. Ever.”
Sunghoon flinches at the barely concealed rage in his voice.
“You’re fucking wrong. You were always more than good enough for me, and besides, that’s not the point. The point is I chose you, I chose to be with you and I chose to love you, every single fucking day. And then, you just left.” Jake lets out a humourless laugh, eyes glinting dangerously.
“You never even said anything. You just left. Everything was fine and then one morning I woke up, and you were gone. The only thing left of you was a note. A fucking piece of paper. That’s not love. Don’t you dare try and tell me that that was love.”
“Jaeyun,” Sunghoon whispers, eyes falling shut as the tears fall freely now. And Jake hates how he wants nothing more than to take him into his arms, thumb away at his tears and kiss the top of his head softly, tell him he loves him, tell him he’s always been enough, tell him he loves him.
But he refuses to give that to Sunghoon.
“I’m seeing someone.”
Sunghoon’s head shoots up, startled at the sudden confession.
“What?” The hurt in his voice makes Jake angrier than it should. After all, he wanted to say, did you expect me to just wait for you?
The rage dies down as quickly as it came up, as Jake realises that he would have. He would have waited for Sunghoon no matter what, all he had to do was say the word. But he never did.
“His name is Heeseung. You don’t know him. We’ve been going out for a few months now.”
“Oh.”
Oh.
Jake wants to cry.
“I think you should go now,” he says sharply, afraid that if he spoke in any other way that Sunghoon would see right through him - see how hurt he was. See how much he still wanted him.
“Oh, right. Okay.” Sunghoon spoke quietly, suddenly looking out of place.
Jake holds back a bitter laugh, thinking about how once this used to be their home. Both of theirs.
Before Sunghoon opens the door to leave, he turns back around one more time.
“Jake… is it okay if I come by again?” Sunghoon asks, tone bordering on hopeful.
Jake bites his lips, arms crossed, as if protecting himself from the world.
Protecting himself from me, Sunghoon thinks, and nearly breaks at the thought.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” Sunghoon repeated, startled at Jake’s answer.
“Do you need me to write it down? I said okay.” Jake continues to talk harshly, knowing it would hurt the other. But no matter how much it hurt him too, he didn’t want Sunghoon thinking he could just come back, and Jake would be there waiting for him with open arms.
Much to his surprise, Sunghoon broke into a smile.
“I’ll see you soon, Jaeyun.”
Jaeyun.
He'd missed Sunghoon saying his name.
He'd missed Sunghoon.