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Because of something, Tsumiki is sure her mother has passed away for a month now. Together with Toji, they left somewhere and didn’t return. Tsumiki is scared not from loneliness but with possibility of her stepfather returning with those strange people in overly traditional clothes - she is not at all sure of his death.
Tsumiki studies well, cooks well, sews well, is always ready to help, is friendly and kind with everyone. Teachers, children and old neighbors idolize her. Tsumiki dresses tastefully, but in such a way as to look much older than her years. "Parents are on a business trip. They promised to bring souvenirs!" More joy in the voice, more! So that it wouldn’t even occur to anyone to call the child protection service.
Sometimes neighbors help - one of the few things, which keep Tsumiki afloat. Suzuki-san gave her an old washing machine with an amazing built-in dryer, and Tsumiki couldn't help crying. "I need to figure out how to adequately thank her."
Tsumiki doesn't intersect with those who in a whisper calls her the daughter of a whore. With those who call her the daughter of a whore and a drug addict with a young bastard, Tsumiki doesn't intersect doubly.
***
Tsumiki sings a lullaby.
Little Megumi looks unbearably like their mother. Even when he frowns in embarrassement asking for more stars and planets stories. Even when he eats simple milk rice porridge with a doomed sigh. Very neat and almost not capricious for a small child - Tsumiki is infinitely ashamed of herself. For the impossibility of providing her brother with a normal childhood, normal parents, a normal life - which he deserves. He's not guilty of anything.
Before mother's disappearance, Tsumiki treated Megumi more like a necessary evil, a victim of circumstances. After - watching Megumi smiling when he's allowed to pet someone's dog - Tsumiki realizes he is all that remains of her mother. Well, not counting some cash. It's necessary to ought to offer Taichiro help with his homework - he is, of course, a bully, but if pushing him correctly, he pays very well.
Tsumiki tells Megumi about the constellations, while realizing with doom that she loves him.
***
Tsumiki looks up at a teenager with overdonely lightened hair and cartoon glasses - and becomes furious. The furiouser she becomes, the sweeter her smile is. The teenager, despite all his feigned insolence, is clearly uncomfortable.
- Thanks, but Megumi and I don't need another sugar daddy.
- This is compensation...
- Compensation.
Tsumiki's almost having fun.
- You were driving a stolen car with your friends, being high as hell, and accidentally hit my stepfather?
The albino boy somehow manages to get even whiter. The impudence evaporates somewhere, the smile becomes kind of broken, tortured, a drop of sweat trickles down his neck. What, didn’t expect such expressions from the clever, beautiful pride of the school?
- You can say so.
Tsumiki hums. Serves you right, you lying bastard.
- Okay, give me compensation.
The eyes behind the glasses are not visible but Tsumiki is willing to bet on her washing machine they are now half closed in relief. A merry spite is whirling in the head as a merry-go-round.
- So that I don't see you next to Megumi.
Tsumiki doesn't ask about her mother.
***
Tsumiki feels like Sonia Marmeladova.
- Aren't you asking a lot for the ability to write essays?
- Summaries? No, not interested.
- Well, so be it, a trial lesson.
Tsumiki solves someone else's homework, explains math to all the golden youth of the school, spends nights in the copy centre, solves her homework. Cooks bentos for Megumi. Organizes events, festivals, meetings. She writes, writes, writes, even when it seems like tiny crumb glass has been pushed in her eyes, and hands turned to stone.
Tsumiki will rest when she sets Megumi back on his feet.
***
Tsumiki's having this nightmare again.
She stands in the middle of a busy playground: a fight over a bucket ensued in the sandbox, two girls happily kicking in the air on a swing, a game of bouncers is nearby.
Pictures are slowly replacing each other, because she is on the carousel. The old-old carousel - it’s probably many thousands of years old - is spinning slowly, with a kind of sadistic creak. Take a look, Tsumi-chan, take a good look.
Megumi, with an extremely focused face, is dangling on the horizontal bar. He manages to pull up three times. Tsumiki's heart warms.
- Strong!
- Just like you!
Mom's glinting with laugher as Toji looks at their son with pride.
- Come on, Megumi-chan, lunch is coming soon!
Megumi - dear Megumi - frowns slightly, but obediently takes Mom and Dad by the hand. His Mom and Dad.
Tsumiki isn't even shouting - howling inhumanly - with some kind of detachment. And what about me? You have forgotten me! Turn around! - the message is something like this. Why yell like that - Tsumiki still thinks cold-bloodedly - they still won't hear and won't come back for you, my girl.
Children on the playground continue to behave as if nothing had happened. Only Megumi turns around and stares intently at the place where Tsumiki is. However, lunch won't eat itself.
Tsumiki slides off the carousel almost crawling. I wonder why? Let me reach Megumi, you, bloody piece of iron.
Tsumiki wakes up. Her own wheezing is still ringing in the ears, and the disobedient body has almost fallen from the bed by half. Fortunately, in real life Tsumiki knows how to shout so that Megumi doesn't hear.
All that remains is to fall asleep without returning to sleep. She has to get up early tomorrow - to give the completed essay to another senior student.
***
Every week Tsumiki finds an impressive envelope in the most unexpected places. The schematic scribble of the penis leaves no doubt about the sender.
Every week Tsumiki is practicing her new irrational hobby: locking herself in the bathroom and tearing every third bill into tiny-tiny pieces.
***
Megumi wonders why his always calm Onee-san took his escapade with high school students so close to the heart. He is now so much like his father - with this bewildered, indifferently contemptuous look "fuck off, woman" - that inner detachment is cracking.
Sticky strawberry slurry gums the black vortices, leaving unremovable stains on the jacket. The stepfather's gaze disappears, giving way to the mother's perplexed sadness. Unbearable.
Tsumiki smiles softly and says some pompous instructive nonsense. Mom's sadness disappears after the contempt of her stepfather, giving way to... inspiration?
Tsumiki acts like an adult - because the only adult she can rely on is herself.
Tsumiki would never tell Megumi she decides to praise rather than curse, because cursing is exhausting and ineffectual. And you have to live on something.
Tsumiki will never tell anyone that her beloved younger brother, her last joy in life, her mother's ray of sunshine has just deprived his Onee-san of the lion's share of her earnings.
***
Tsumiki looks at the flashing Orion's Belt and distantly wonders why she came here at all.
Yasohachi Bridge, "test of the mettle", haha.
A good opportunity to imagine that you are a normal teenager on a walk with friends who does not need to deal with the tax office, cook several times a day, work part-time. With non-bully friends who pay you to do their homework.
The real test of the mettle begins when Tsumiki realizes she was not called for bunjee jumping. And that she still had to buy a pepper spray. The carousel creaks mockingly in the head, for some reason the smell of synthetic strawberries is felt. Tsumiki thinks that is the smell of fear. Tsumiki is sick.
A clerical knife is fumbled in her pocket but Tsumiki is too young for such shit as a prison. Screw you, Toji. Tsumiki doubts she can laugh from her heart in a world like this but she hasn't got Megumi back on his feet yet.
This thought gives the desired impetus - and Tsumiki, grabbing the rope, takes a step into the abyss.