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“Why do you want me to be sad and lonely?” James followed this question up with a dramatic pout, mostly hoping to get the witch in front of him to laugh while a small irrational part of him hoped his guilt-tripping words would compel her to allow his friends back in.
“Because I’m a cold-hearted witch,” Madam Pomfrey replied with the faintest hint of a smirk.
James mirrored her expression. Accustomed to Hospital Wing visits from him as she was, James knew Madam Pomfrey was more than capable of dealing with the cheek he threw at her after dealing with whatever had landed him in her care in the first place.
On this particular occasion, it had taken a fair amount of effort on his part to break through the seriousness with which she had been addressing him. He supposed being brought in unconscious and mangled, after being hexed clean off his broom from Godric knows how high up, would be a pretty sobering sight.
She had taken great care to impress upon him that, if not for the slowing and cushioning spells thrown at him mid-fall, and Sirius’ grasp on the back of his jersey at the very end of his fall, he’d be too dead to care whether his friends were allowed to stay or not.
To the point, Pomfrey was.
Cold-hearted, though, she most certainly was not.
James knew she had allowed his friends to stay longer than she normally would have. And considering she had just healed three-quarters of the bones in his body and patched up a fair amount of internal bleeding as well, he could hardly deny her insistence that he rest. Still, James’ heart sank a little at the retreating forms of his mates, Sirius the last to retreat with a new sling around his arm.
“You and I both know that’s not true, Pops,” James softly chided.
He saw her battle a smile at the nickname she pretended to hate.
“Believe what you wish, Mr Potter. I need to collect some potions for you from Professor Slughorn. I am trusting you to stay in this bed while I am gone.”
Fixed with her stern look, James bowed his head in salute, leaning back tiredly when she bustled out of sight.
As much as he really had been disappointed at the prospect of beginning a night of solitary in the Hospital Wing, he truly did feel withered by the ordeal he had been through. Closing his eyes, he let out a steady breath and felt his body being tugged towards unconsiousness almost immediately.
Just on the brink of being fully submerged in sleep’s embrace, he heard a soft whisper of his name.
Blinking blearily, it was truly pathetic how quickly all traces of sleep vanished at the sight before him.
Lily Evans stood at the foot of his bed, still clad in her match clothes, face still bearing the ghosts of red and gold stripes. Her hair was loose now, collapsed across her shoulders in thick waves. Her hands were clasped together in a gesture that betrayed her apprehension. Her eyes–which incidentally were James’ favourite feature of hers if he absolutely had to choose–were shining brighter than usual; although with exactly what they were shining James couldn’t quite tell.
“Evans,” his quiet voice pushed out, “What are you doing here?”
A breathy laugh escaped her as she moved to sit on the edge of his bed.
“Visiting you obviously,” she said. “Idiot,” she fondly followed up with.
James cracked a small smile at that, shifting slightly to face her even though his bones screeched with the effort.
“I don’t know if I’ve ever had a visit from you when I’ve been in the Hospital Wing.”
“Yeah, well, I’m usually off taking advantage of the peace that comes with you being locked up here.”
James scoffed lightly at her words. “Is that really any way to speak to a man on his deathbed?”
“You’re not on your deathbed, you sod.”
She was smiling still, but he thought her voice sounded a bit strangled.
“No,” he acquiesced softly, “Pomfrey said it could easily have been the case though.”
Utterly missing the hitch in her breath, James continued in much the same tone one would use to discuss the recent drop of temperature as October brought Autumn into the Hogwarts grounds.
“Apparently if Sirius hadn’t grabbed the back of my jersey I would have hit the ground too fast. Poor Pads dislocated his shoulder doing it. Solid contender for best mate of the year though, don’t you think?”
Here he looked to Lily, expecting some kind of snarky response about Sirius’ heroics, but to his utter horror he found her eyes swimming with unshed tears.
“Evans!” He scrambled to sit straighter, but, forgetting the fragility of his body, he hissed at his own movement.
This seemed to jerk Lily into action.
“Oh, christ, Potter be careful!” She twisted to face him fully, placing her hands gently on his shoulders to nudge him back to his half-sitting half-lying position.
“What’s wrong?” he insisted, feeling like putty under her touch.
“What’s wrong ?” she repeated incredulously. “Oh I don’t know, how about you casually telling me you were a hair’s breadth away from a fatal injury as you lie in this hospital bed looking halfway dead.”
“I was only repeating what Pomfrey said, I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s really no big deal –”
“No big deal!” she parroted again. A loud sniff punctuated her words. James’ alarm only grew.
“Evans, really. Pomfrey likes to be dramatic. She does it to try and scare me into being more careful.”
“You didn’t do anything though,” she whined. “This wasn’t – it’s not like this was some stupid stunt you pulled. Someone – someone did this to you.”
“Well – yeah I suppose that’s different. But I’m really fine –”
She was shaking her head vigorously.
“I am! Honest! I’m driving Poppy mad as usual you can ask her when she gets back –”
“You don’t know – you didn’t see…You didn’t have to watch yourself fall from that high up,” she whispered.
James stilled.
“I thought,” her voice got caught in her throat, “I thought that –” but she seemed unable to finish, pursing her lips together tightly and looking away.
James felt his whole body soften. He hadn’t thought about what that must have been like, hadn’t dared to hope, in all honesty, that it would affect her so. But that was stupid he supposed. He, certainly, would be a wreck should the situation be reversed. But he was hopelessly in love with her so of course he’d have been a mess if she was the one in this hospital bed. But she – she only saw him as a friend. But he supposed he could understand that as well, wouldn’t he be upset if it had happened to Pete or Remus or Sirius?
“Evans – Lil, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken about it so callously. Of course – it must have been scary to see. But I really am fine. You’ll be wishing you stayed away to take advantage of the peace before long.”
She let out a watery laugh.
He smiled softly at her as she looked back at him. Merlin, she was beautiful. He’d seen her everyday for the better part of the last seven years and the sight of her still never failed to floor him. Illuminated by the deep orange sunset outside the window, eyes as green as he had ever seen them, nose red from her tears. Sitting next to him, visiting him in the Hospital Wing, caring whether he lived or died...James dimly thought that it was pathetic for his insides to light up so brightly at the meagre fact that she would quite like it if he wasn’t a corpse, but light up they did.
“You’re wrong,” she interrupted his internal reverie.
“I’m sure I am if you say so, Evans. But what about?”
Another laugh. His insides continued to brighten. He would almost die a thousand times over if only he could get her to sit with him while he tried to make her laugh.
“About taking advantage of the peace. I wouldn’t – I’m not interested in that anymore.”
James’ brow furrowed. “I don’t – what d’you mean?”
“I’m not interested in any kind of respite from you.”
His mind started to whirr. He didn’t recognise the look she was giving him – small smile curling the edge of her perfect lips, eyes moving slowly between his, cheeks blooming pastel pink.
“Oh?” Brilliant response, Potter .
Her eyes flicked down to her hands, curled together on her lap. “I thought that – that I had time.”
“Time for what?” he prompted gently when she fell quiet.
“Time to tell you – I didn’t know how – but then you – you fell and god I don’t have any time at all do I? Because apparently you could die at any moment. And so could I. Which is fucked – I hate, hate how we have to worry about that. But someone wanted you to fall from that broom, James, and when I was watching you... I wanted it not to be real, wanted it to stop, I wanted you to be okay, I wanted to find whoever did that to you and hex them into the next century, I wanted to trade places with you, but mostly – mostly I wanted to tell you what I’ve been keeping from you. Stupidly and cowardly.”
James’ stomach twisted awfully. What did she – she couldn’t mean…?
“What have you been keeping from me?” he breathed.
She was still looking down at her hands. He reached out to envelop her smaller ones in his.
She pulled in a deep breath when his hand closed over hers. Before he could even think to retreat, she took his hand and placed it on her cheek, her left hand covering the back of it and her right closing around his wrist. She leaned into his palm and closed her eyes.
James caught the tears that fell in the swipe of his thumb.
“Lily.”
She looked up at him again finally. He knew what she was seeing, what she must see. How often had he had to tame his look, knowing his wild, hopeless feelings would be all too obvious should he allow them onto his face for her to see? It had always been a struggle, when she pulled those feelings out of him with every laugh, every clever retort, every fleeting glance. But now, with her soft cheek against his palm and her hands keeping his in place, he knew his face was an open book of emotion; and if she cared to read it, she would see it was all about her.
“I want you,” she whispered. He felt his own eyes close. “I want you,” she continued, “every part of you, all the time, in every way.”
“You are –” she squeezed his wrist, “everything to me, James.”
With his eyes still closed he moved his hand to the back of her neck, pulling her towards him so that their foreheads rested against each other.
“Lily,” he said again, her name let out on the winds of a breath, expelled from him without thought. Whispered reverently, like a prayer.
Her hands left his arm to frame his face, her thumb grazing his jaw tenderly.
James groaned quietly, unashamed and unsurprised that just the smallest touch from her could compel such a desperate noise.
“You – you are everything I’ve wanted – for years ,” he said finally.
“Sorry it took me a while to catch up.”
He shook his head, still pressed against hers. “S’okay. I don’t care. Can I – can I kiss you?”
She answered him with the press of her lips against his. Tightening his grip on the back of her neck, he wound his other arm around her waist to pull her closer towards him. Perhaps surprised at how easily his arm, broken not hours ago, pulled her towards his chest she gasped lightly. James groaned as the gasp opened her mouth. Swiping his tongue lightly across her bottom lip, he deepened the kiss he had for so long dreamt about, with the girl he had coveted in almost every waking moment since he had known her.
Lily’s hands moved from his face down his neck, across his shoulders and down his front, tracing every part of his upper body like she was looking for something. James understood. He was doing the same, trailing his hands across her to touch all the parts he never could before, wanting to feel her everything.
As she shivered at the light grazes of his thumb at her hips, she pulled back slightly. James knew in that moment that she was stronger than he could ever hope to be, because nothing could have propelled him to break that kiss. He pressed his lips to hers once, twice, thrice more before fully pulling back. Opening his eyes, he found her already looking at him, emerald orbs roving across his face, darker than he had ever seen them.
“That was… some kiss, Potter.” Voice breathy, sounding as if it had come from another plane.
“Mmm. I reckon there’s room for improvement. Let’s try again,” he said, tracing her jaw with his nose.
She laughed–a proper Lily Evans laugh, deep and throaty and wonderful–and he smiled into her neck at the sound of it.
“We should probably talk before another kiss because I don’t see myself pulling away from you a second time,” she answered.
He thought his grin might imprint itself on her neck. Moving to look at her again he said, “What’s there to talk about? This is only a dream come true, Evans. Pretty standard stuff. Normal, casual, run of the mill –”
“You’re such an idiot,” she giggled, “I can’t believe how desperate I am for you.”
“That makes two of us. Although, not the idiot part. That’s just me. You’re brilliant.”
Her laughter melted to tenderness. She kissed his cheek gently. “So are you.”
James had never known this kind of happiness before. And in a life that has been filled with love and friendship and affection, that was really saying something.
“So,” he mused, “do I have to ask you to the next Hogsmeade? Or will you just agree to be my girlfriend and take all future Hogsmeade trips as givens?”
Another delighted laugh, more kisses.
“Girlfriend –” his left cheek, “sounds –” his right, “great –” his nose, his forehead, his chin, his lips.
Both of them beaming, this second kiss wasn’t quite as earth-shattering as the first, involving a lot more teeth and giggling. Neither of them minded.
The bang of the Hospital Wing doors halted their movement. Lily smiled ruefully up at him before moving to stand next to his bed. He pouted at the loss of her. She swooped down quickly for one last peck before Madam Pomfrey bustled over to his corner of the Wing.
“Here Potter I’ve brought you – oh, Miss Evans.”
“Hi Madam Pomfrey,” Lily greeted brightly.
The Healer raised an eyebrow, no doubt taking in the flush on the Head Girl’s cheeks and the shit-eating grin on the Head Boy.
“Good evening. I’m afraid that I’ve already ushered out Mr Potter’s other friends and I’ll have to do the same to you. Less disruptive as you may be.”
“Ah but she’s not my friend , Poppy. She’s my girlfriend.”
“James!” Lily hissed.
Madam Pomfrey’s eyebrows shot up even further. In that moment of surprise she failed to temper her expression. Smiling brightly, she looked between the two of them. “Be that as it may, Mr Potter still needs his rest.”
“No – of course – I wasn’t –” Lily sputtered.
James just continued to grin.
“Not to worry my dear. I am more than familiar with the loose way Mr Potter’s tongue is connected to his brain. Do go easy on him, he has asked whether you have visited him every time he has landed himself in this Hospital Wing. As you are now here and, as Potter has so proudly proclaimed, his girlfriend, I think we can forgive him for being a little bit embarrassing.”
It was James’ turn to sputter as Lily dissolved into hysterics. “Poppy you absolute traitor! What do you do, eavesdrop on all your patients? Collect student secrets spilled when people are at their most vulnerable?”
“It is hardly my fault that you always pester Lupin, Pettigrew and Black about whether Miss Evans has asked after you. Or indeed pester me to ask whether she visited you whilst you were asleep,” she smirked.
“Oh Potter,” Lily ran a hand through his hair, “You are so cute.”
James could feel his cheeks flaming further even as some of that fire warmed his chest at her touch, her laugh and her words.
“You’re dead to me, Poppy,” he grumbled, his movements betraying the sentiment entirely as he leaned into Lily’s touch.
“Mmm something to think about the next time you give me grief. Off with you now, Miss Evans.”
Lily nodded and flashed James a smile. “I’ll stop by tomorrow morning.”
As she made to move away he caught her hand. Grazing her knuckles he smiled up at her, half-turned to face him. “G’night, Evans.”
Smiling shyly back, she squeezed his hand and continued on her way.
Mooning at her retreating form, James jumped a little when Madam Pomfrey smacked a vial of potion on the bedside table.
Smirking at him she said, “This is the dreamless sleep potion I went to fetch from Professor Slughorn’s. I would usually advise you to drink it, but I’m sensing a dreamless sleep is not quite what you’re hoping for tonight. If you don’t take it remember you have the pain relieving potions here too,” she pointed to the blue vials, “one every –”
“Four hours, yeah I know.”
She smiled softly at him and nodded. Making to retreat to her quarters, she stopped at the foot of his bed.
“Oh and Potter,” she began.
“Yeah?”
“Congratulations.”
He beamed at her as she walked away, closing his eyes to replay everything that had just happened, hoping the images would play out in his dreams and see him through the next eight hours or so before he could see Lily, his girlfriend , again come morning.