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He doesn’t feel his sub-gender. Hongjoong doesn’t feel anything like any other Alpha. He doesn’t have dominance; the unrestrained confidence, the ego, the strength to be one. He isn’t a leader, he doesn’t want to be one. He is timid, shy. He is small.
He is built nothing like an Alpha. His lean body, his short height and feline features are too soft for an Alpha. He has big eyes, long lashes, a very tiny nose and plump upturned lips. He has pale skin, rounded cheeks.
He grew up so sure he would present as an Omega, everyone around him knew, some waited for him to present so they could court him. And he was excited, he wanted to be one.
He wanted to be one not for them, but for a certain someone who always had his attention. His classmate. Park Seonghwa.
Seonghwa was an early-presented Alpha, a purebred who got everyone’s heads turned his way. Even Hongjoong’s. He wasn’t anything special, honestly.
Seonghwa was everything a pure Alpha is supposed to be. He is composed, confident, unyielding. He is tall, has dark Alpha eyes that can intimidate anyone. His black hair, sharp nose, sharper jawline. And his scent, whenever Hongjoong walked past him, he felt woozy and light on his feet. He craved to just bury his nose in the aroma, he wanted to melt into it, have it surround him. Then again, so did countless other betas and Omegas, boys and girls thirsting over the Alpha.
Seonghwa was a rich young and handsome Alpha. Who wouldn’t want to have him?
Hongjoong wasn’t different from them. He knew since then. He just wanted a chance, presenting as an Omega would provide him that chance.
He remembers Valentine's Day when he shyly gifted the Alpha a small cupcake he made. He remembers the amused look on Seonghwa’s face, an unpresented wolf who had the guts to try and court him. What a lovely thing.
Hongjoong confessed, back then. Seonghwa told him to come back when he presents, then he would give him an answer.
Hongjoong was happy, he would present as an Omega soon, and then Seonghwa would accept his courting and then more—
Except, he didn’t. He resented the day he woke up feral in bed, hot and sweaty and very hard, rutting on the sheets and smelling of musky Alpha, albeit, his scent was never strong. A very weak wolf.
He cried so hard throughout it all. He felt ashamed, others would have their parents celebrating their son or daughter becoming Alphas, the highest regard, the top of the rank. Hongjoong was ashamed to walk out of his room, ashamed to face his parents, ashamed to walk through the campus.
He knew people would sneer at someone like him. He is a disgrace to Alphas, a no-one to Omegas who sought true Alphas who are built inside and out as one.
He doesn’t fit both sides. His anatomy is of an Alpha, his mentality isn’t. He just wanted to be held and caressed and protected.
Hongjoong had always known there was something wrong with him. When it took him longer than other people to present. The range was 14-17, he presented at 19 years old.
He knew something was wrong when he presented as an Alpha and his mother shielded him away from the ridiculous look on his father’s face, his son would make everyone laugh at them. To his father, who didn’t want an Omega son, on that day he wished his son was presented as an Omega instead of the joke of an Alpha he was.
He knew something was wrong when his mother suggested taking him to a priest, and then a doctor in case something was wrong with his body. And last, was when she suggested a psychiatrist in case it’s an undiagnosed disorder.
It was hell struggling to accept himself, his wolf, and accept the fact people will never accept him for who he was and what he wanted to be.
More importantly, he was scared to face Seonghwa. Thinking about the Alpha was agonizing. How could he have the very pure Alpha that he wasn’t?
He did eventually, he put every courage he had left and faced him.
He still remembers the trembles in his hands, the feeling of being helpless and small under the outrageous look in the Alpha’s eyes. Like Hongjoong personally affronted him.
‘You are an Alpha.’ Seonghwa sneered at him, ignited, the audacity of Hongjoong!
‘Y-Yes… I know… ‘m… but I…’ the stuttering, the mortification. ‘I still like you… a lot…’
That didn’t end well.
He just wanted Seonghwa to take him. Seonghwa though was appalled by the idea an Alpha would want to submit to another. That’s degrading and such a disgrace for both their names. Two Alphas together was scandalous, no one would accept that.
Hongjoong longed for him. He is small and demure and very awkward around others, he is nothing like an Alpha, even his scent is weak which made Seonghwa snarl at him and humiliate him. but he still wanted him, Seonghwa was the very reason he was sure he would present as an omega, there was no other explanation for the attraction and yearning he felt for him.
It somehow led to Seonghwa showing Hongjoong how pathetic he was by fucking him, showing him how a true Alpha should behave.
The degradation was too much. ‘You aren’t an Omega but look at you whoring yourself for other Alphas, such a shame anyone would call you one,’ Hongjoong though, had always been too delirious, his moans were breathy and he would unravel beautifully on the Alpha’s bedsheets.
He allowed Seonghwa to do anything he wanted if it meant he could get a little of the Alpha’s time and attention for himself. The fifteen minutes after they fucked and they waited for Seonghwa’s knot to go down inside him had always been Hongjoong’s favorite.
It’s the only thing that kept Seonghwa from throwing him aside and leaving. He would bask in the temporary warmth and sated scent and would try to curl smaller in Seonghwa’s arms, and maybe… maybe Hongjoong could be more to Seonghwa; maybe Seonghwa could see he can be his mate, he can give him anything.
However, in reality, Hongjoong was aware that’s impossible. Hongjoong can’t be bred, he wasn’t an Omega. he can’t give Alpha what he would want most, a pack, a family, a pup of his own.
It gradually worsened, it took a bit of time for Hongjoong’s mental health to deteriorate. Satisfaction no longer clouded his head from reality.
Seonghwa is fucking him like any other night, Hongjoong doesn’t even realize when he had become his side whore. Seonghwa would call and he comes to his fancy apartment obediently.
Seonghwa enjoys fucking him for the sole reason his ego gets fed so well with dominating another Alpha. He gets to bitch him like this and he takes it all. Hongjoong keeps submitting to him and that only turns on the feral Alpha more.
Seonghwa gets carried away like any other day. In his head, Seonghwa got the idea Hongjoong would let him get away with anything no matter what, Hongjoong can handle it like usual.
Hongjoong that week was slowly relapsing, it’s like slowly drowning and letting it happen because he refuses to swim. Not because he can’t.
He walks with his head down, covered with baggy clothes to shield his small body from judgmental eyes. He hides behind his long bangs and clutches his hands to the strap of his bag to stop himself from shaking from the anxiety now he gets whenever he is in public. Seonghwa has done and ruined any self-esteem he got left, now he can’t look at people without hearing Seonghwa’s demeaning voice telling him he is a failure, a pathetic Alpha, repulsive that no one would wanna have, no Alpha, no Omega would wanna come close to him. Seonghwa told him he should be thankful he was even fucking him.
Hongjoong snaps out of his thoughts with a shudder, his skin pale and clammy. He doesn’t even realize he has frozen across the street from Seonghwa’s apartment complex.
He is jittery, his hand hovers by the walls he walks by in case his weak knees give up on him. He is nervous to see Seonghwa tonight. He doesn’t think he can take another word of degradation.
But he wants to be good for Seonghwa, he has to be good for Seonghwa. Who else would touch him if Seonghwa decided he isn’t wanted? Who would want this body anymore? He is more afraid of being lonely. He doesn’t want to be lonely. His days are cold, his life is cold, his bed is much colder unlike how hot Seonghwa’s hands are on his body.
If only Seonghwa can see him as a person. Seonghwa doesn’t even want to look in his eyes, never bothered to wipe his long curls off his face unless he wanted to degrade him and even then, Hongjoong kept his eyes shut because he is weak.
By the time he is past the door, Seonghwa has him knocked against it, hands groping and mouth greedy. But Hongjoong long since started to dissociate whenever Seonghwa is onto him.
At first, he was childish, his innocence wanting to believe this could be something, if he is able to appeal to the Alpha a little, but that’s not it anymore.
Seonghwa only takes. Seonghwa never gives anything back. The only thing Seonghwa is generous with is giving him an orgasm. And even that he gives it to him so his Alpha could feel satisfied. Seonghwa is this selfish and Hongjoong is at fault for being a pathetic person, a sorry excuse for an Alpha himself.
He is aware of his arousal, Seonghwa had him on his bedsheets naked and fully spread, fingering him enough to take a knot. He can also make the extra burnt scent in Seonghwa’s pheromones but it doesn't go down on him Seonghwa in pre rut. He is extra impatient and very rough, and he treats Hongjoong like he can’t get enough of the dominance and breathy gasps.
If only this isn’t tainted by the harsh words, if only Seonghwa would tell him he is a good boy, for once he is doing something right.
He wants to be praised, he wants to hear something else aside from being a whore, a cumdump, a pathetic unwanted Alpha.
Hongjoong doesn’t realize he got tears in his eyes or how he has started sobbing. It’s not something new for him to cry while Seonghwa manhandled his body, but right now it feels like he can’t breathe any air. He wants the Alpha off him, he wants space for air.
The room is small, the closed space, closed windows make him feel claustrophobic. Seonghwa on top of him feels like he is weighing down on his lungs. He claws at Seonghwa’s arms, tries to push him weakly as whimpers mix with his gasps.
“H-Hwa o-off please plea… I c-can’t—!” He chokes on a cry and covers his eyes with his paws. He curls sideways to shy away from the Alpha but the link of bad thoughts doesn’t break, it escalates faster now he thinks he has disappointed the one person who has him, he is now not enough, he was already not enough before but now he is bad bad bad he is very bad Seonghwa was right to tell him he is a bad bad boy.
He doesn’t realize Seonghwa has backed off immediately, Hongjoong just curls in a small ball like a wounded wolf and tucks his head into his knees, and he shakes terribly, all he feels is lost and he wants to disappear. His cries are wretched and loud and his tears wet the sheets.
He flinches when he feels a touch but he doesn’t dare take a look. He whimpers as if in pain instead, a series of apologies tumble his lips frantically. He asks for forgiveness as if he committed something unforgivable. He just can’t bear any more degradation, he panicked, he doesn’t want to be demeaned anymore.
“Hongjoong?” His ears filter Seonghwa’s voice, he must be delirious enough to hear concern.
Hongjoong does the opposite and hides his face in the pillow. It’s a mistake because the scent only hurts him more, it smells like comfort but comfort is everything the Alpha has denied him.
“Hongjoong, look at me,” He winces and cries louder. What does the Alpha want with him?
“…‘m sorry… ‘m no good… Joong n-no good…” He shivers, “b-but Joong d-doesn’t wan’ degraded anymo’… s-scared…” He hiccups, he thinks he is going to be very sick.
“Alpha Hwa ‘s scary… makes Joong scared,”
It’s the first time it gets this bad. Usually, he becomes quiet. Seonghwa is seeing him for the first time like this and he doesn’t know what to do. He is beside the broken Alpha, yet for once his hand doesn’t dare touch the small body curled defensively away from him.
He had thought Hongjoong can take anything, but right now it feels like the mere touch or idea of him is distressing Hongjoong immensely.
Seonghwa wants to snarl or say something bad but even his own Alpha is growling at him inside for damaging a fellow wolf like this.
He is tormented, the cries never cease. Hongjoong has cried the whole hour, Seonghwa thought he would pass out from the dehydration. He goes to bring water but the first he steps foot off bed Hongjoong whimpers so loud it feels like something wrenched inside him.
Seonghwa stares wide-eyed, Hongjoong probably thought he is leaving him alone, Seonghwa thinks that’s what he wants to begin with.
He can’t seem to take the cold naked body shivering anymore so he throws a heavy blanket at him before going to fetch water.
Why does he even care? The last time he checked, Hongjoong is just a pathetic Alpha he fucked. The vulnerability should repulse him but it just tugs something in his chest, his wolf is choosing to protect instead. Alpha or not, there is a wolf wounded and his own is growing solicitous.
Seonghwa sits by the edge of his bed by Hongjoong’s head. He slowly peels the blanket off and his breath hitches when he is met by dazed glassy eyes looking at him, wet lashed and parted lips, and very soft milky skin. The urge to devour him is so strong and he has to remind himself it’s his pre rut. Or maybe that isn’t the reason.
Hongjoong pulls a tiny paw out and fists weakly at the robe he has worn earlier. “J-Joong sorry…” It almost drives Seonghwa mad how soft and adorable Hongjoong is. An Alpha shouldn’t be this weak, shouldn’t make another Alpha crave him.
Seonghwa does collect him in his arms instead. He slips behind Hongjoong so he can lean on the headboard and allow the small wolf between his knees to lay on his chest. He does that and Hongjoong completely melts on him. He curls on his chest and sniffles, lashes fluttering as slowly more cries get stuck in his throat. Seonghwa is confused by the opposite reaction but Hongjoong’s scent is filled with relief? Bittersweetness? He can’t tell if it’s happy or sad. Hongjoong only burrows deeper into his embrace and holds to him like dear life.
The Alpha is quiet but allows Hongjoong the relief. He guesses he can’t be mad when his own wolf is finally tranquil, in fact, it’s really soothed as if it’s curling around Hongjoong’s weak Alpha and guarding it.
Seonghwa is surprised when Hongjoong finally calms down and finds he has fallen asleep on his chest, head tilted up just enough to nuzzle his scent glands with his tiny nose.
It gets Seonghwa wondering again, if Hongjoong is an Omega, would things be different?
He probably had loved him long ago. But the idea of mating an Alpha gets under his skin and he punishes Hongjoong for being born an Alpha and making it hard for him.
He mindlessly caresses lines along Hongjoong’s naked spine as he remembers last week his friends beating him up for what he is doing.
‘You are crazy,’ Yunho was furious, ‘maybe the rotten Alpha is you Seonghwa, you are the pathetic one who can’t go for his instincts but goes by what this society made us believe.’ Yunho spat in his face, the fellow tall Alpha was completely losing it.
‘You want him, you’ve been fuckin’ him for months— months! Seonghwa, it's almost a whole year and you want to convince me it’s your pitiful one-sided hatred for him or whatever?’ Yunho looked in disbelief, exasperated. ‘Give him a rest, it’s only that much he can take before he breaks.’
And maybe Yunho was right. Why has he kept Hongjoong for so long, more like why he never felt like fucking anyone else all this time? Why is it his pre rut and all he can think about is having Hongjoong moaning his name under him?
He desires Hongjoong, but in which way?
Heck, he hasn’t realized how much damage his words caused the fellow Alpha, he hadn’t said anything yet and Hongjoong was already panicking.
Hongjoong thinks he is scary, and maybe he is.
Seonghwa couldn’t get a blink of sleep until sunrise, his eyes absently staring at the ceiling while still cradling Hongjoong who looked very peaceful for once. Maybe he stared a bit at him earlier, taking in details like moles on soft skin, the one on his neck that freaked him out because the more he looked at it the more the urge to sink his teeth there grew unbearable. Hongjoong would look gorgeous, bitten, claimed. His own bite. No one else’s.
The dry parted lips, the dark circles under his eyes, the long hair. Seonghwa unconsciously threads the locks back off Hongjoong’s face and the sight is too much. Hongjoong is too pretty for an Alpha, too small, too vulnerable, too sweet. He is an Omega in every aspect but not the anatomy.
Hongjoong would be already bred by him if he is. That’s probably his pre rut thoughts. Seonghwa sighs tiredly as he leans down to rest his forehead on Hongjoong’s shoulder and subtly nuzzles the scent glands. Weak, there is more sweetness than spice to the scent, which is the only indication Hongjoong is also an Alpha.
Seonghwa mindlessly nibbles the skin, stressing a spot until it’s angry red and Hongjoong is stirring. And when Hongjoong stirs he is the most adorable, he whines and tries to stretch and just bury his face in Seonghwa’s neck in the process. He takes one deep inhale that makes Seonghwa shudder, Hongjoong relaxes before he completely freezes.
Seonghwa knows the reality has caught up to him. Hongjoong looks terrified when he pulls back to meet Seonghwa’s eyes, small hands trembling on the Alpha’s chest.
An Alpha shouldn’t be scared. But this is Hongjoong, not a normal one, a timid wolf.
“…’m… sorry…” he slurs the words, sleep heavy and dry from crying. Seonghwa feels like… he feels many things. He for certain enjoys degrading Hongjoong, but after last night, he doesn’t want to see him pained, at least his inner wolf doesn’t.
So his Alpha tells him to protect what is his. Alpha or not Hongjoong smells like him, Hongjoong takes his knot, Hongjoong hasn’t been to anyone’s bed but his. He belongs to Seonghwa, the moans, the gasps, the marks on his body. He is Seonghwa’s. The possessiveness is burning in Seonghwa’s lungs.
“For what?” Seonghwa looks calmly through Hongjoong’s glossy eyes.
Hongjoong’s lips wobble before he gets the courage to speak, “…’m… I was bad yesterday?” He looks like a cornered wolf, “I o-overstayed…? Disappointed A-Alpha…?”
Poor thing. Seonghwa decides to put him out of misery. He tucks the long black strands of hair behind Hongjoong’s ear and he doesn’t miss the way Hongjoong cowers as if Seonghwa’s intention was inflicting pain instead.
“Shh…” Hongjoong looks confused, is about to scramble away to collect his clothes and leave but Seonghwa circles his arm around the waist and secures him in place against him. “Where do you think you are going?”
“Home? ‘m unneeded here?” Seonghwa clicks his tongue at the fear still lingering there, his wolf is mocking him, it’s all your doing.
“Who said I don’t need you here?” Seonghwa leans down and drags his sharp nose along Hongjoong’s neck, going over the dark tantalizing mole there. He doesn’t miss the trembles in the small body and small fists tucked to his chest.
Seonghwa smiles discreetly as he exhales hotly against the sensitive skin and marvels at the silent gasp. God, is there an Alpha this pliant damn.
“My rut is starting in the next couple days, if not tonight, where do you think you are going?”
“B-But… you need an O-Omega for your rut… I c-can’t satisfy you…” This close Seonghwa can smell the sad scent. Hongjoong is truly sad he is not enough for Seonghwa? What a pretty, yet poor thing. “Joong c-can’t…”
“Who said that’s what I want?” Seonghwa drags his teeth along the skin, it’s wet and there are faint pink lines from his canines. He wants them more prominent, he wants much more than these marks.
God, his primal wants which he normally refuses to admit to are now clawing at him with his rut.
“Y-You wan’ Joong?” Seonghwa loses it for a second and almost bites into his shoulder where he is now nuzzling.
“Yes, are you gonna make me spell things out loud for you?” Hongjoong winces at the arms now squeezing him tight in an embrace.
“Joong afraid yesterday…ye-yesterday will happen again… ‘s scared…” He says he is scared, his scent is bitter with fear but he still tucks his face in Seonghwa’s neck and hides himself in the Alpha’s thick scent. Seonghwa doesn’t notice himself subconsciously releasing light pheromones for the weak Alpha. “Joong ‘s afraid he won’ be enough for your rut…”
“Joong ‘s afraid you will hurt ‘im when he ‘s not enough…” Hongjoong’s voice fades out only for Seonghwa to feel wetness down his neck and soon the tremors in the small body.
“What hurt you last night?” Seonghwa peels him off his shoulder yet his hand doesn’t leave the wet cheek, rubbing light circles. Hongjoong refuses to meet his eyes. “Look at me.”
It’s an order. Hongjoong meets them underneath his thick lashes. “Everything…”
Seonghwa pinches his cheek and the weak Alpha whimpers.
Hongjoong starts speaking, “It hurts ‘m never enough for you… it hurts you keep tellin’ Joong he will never be enough, for you, for anyone… no one wan’ Joong…” He sobs sorrowfully, like words physically hurt him. “Joong will never be an Omega, he won’ be a decent Alpha too… Joong feels unwan’ed…”
“I waited s’long to present as an Omega, Joong always felt it… wan’ed it s-so bad just to be with you…yet… y-yet…” He paws at his eyes, the naked body looks smaller under the heavy draped blanket.
Hongjoong sobs like a baby. He does and Seonghwa can’t handle it anymore. His wolf can’t.
“…’m an Alpha, undesirable Alpha. I-I could only offer what I have to get you but givin’ you everythin’s still not enough, you keep telling Joong ’s not enough…”
Seonghwa listens, he takes in slowly, the dark emotions Hongjoong has always harbored inside his small heart. “Joong ‘s tired and scared and lonely, J-Joong doesn’ know what to do, how to be, Joong ‘s lost and has nowhere to return to but h-here… even if this place causes only pain, Joong ‘s more scared of staying away from y-you…” and he goes quiet, only hiccups and bitten cries.
Seonghwa doesn’t know what possesses him to pull Hongjoong and cradle him to his chest, he has never been this careful or attentive with him. But seeing how broken the wolf has reminded him of Yunho’s harsh words, of Wooyoung spitting at him, even precious Mingi had snarled at him. Maybe they were right.
Maybe he still can’t accept a fellow Alpha as a mate, but he doesn’t feel like hurting him anymore, degrading him. Which is a shock he is still struggling to comprehend, because he isn’t supposed to care.
Maybe he should let Hongjoong go. Now? Or selfishly after his rut? Hongjoong is definitely better off without him so he can finally snap out of whatever submissive headspace he has been stuck with for years now.
Maybe then both of them will be normal.
“No degrading then,” Seonghwa breaks the silence as he moves to get up with Hongjoong in his arms. Hongjoong immediately holds tight to him, very startled by the sudden move.
Seonghwa walks them to the kitchen, the blanket keeping Hongjoong’s naked body warm is half trailing on the floor behind them. Seonghwa seats him on the kitchen island, he leans a little so their eyes level. Hongjoong looks adorably confused and maybe that succeeds in pulling a smile on the Alpha’s face. He pecks the pouty lips, endeared by the burst of fluttered scent and suddenly pink coated cheeks.
He can’t bring himself to give an answer to Hongjoong nor an apology. He hands him cold water and watches as he gulps it down, the move of his apple makes him salivate. He fetches him a light treat from the fridge, Hongjoong looks sick and starved, probably stressed himself enough to not eat properly for a while.
He watches Hongjoong nibbles slowly on his food with shy glances at the taller Alpha.
And when Hongjoong finishes, he grabs the plate and gives him a head pat which causes him to freeze. “Good boy.” He goes to put the plate in the dishwasher and when he turns, he sees Hongjoong crying again, trying hard to stay quiet but it’s inevitable when it slowly wrecks him.
This is the first time Seonghwa praises him. He is finally a good boy. It hurts so much to hear it.
“C’mere,” Seonghwa picks him up again and Hongjoong immediately clings to him. Seonghwa doesn’t miss the subtle scenting Hongjoong does by rubbing his cheek on his neck. It's cute because it’s really not needed when both of them smell like each other from spending the night in the same bed.
Hongjoong still feels like he needs it.
Seonghwa decides he will let him have it as he lays him down in the middle of the bed and pulls the blanket apart to reveal the innocent temptation underneath.
Hongjoong doesn’t shy away, he grows warm and allows every corner of his body to be seen by the Alpha's dark eyes.
Maybe it’s rut already, because Seonghwa completely loses himself in the feeble Alpha, he does what he never did for any Omega before. It’s like his wolf is hungry, it’s starving like a beast that only wants to devour Hongjoong.
He goes down on him, he sucks the erect nipples, he bites them, and enjoys Hongjoong’s keens and the pretty arch of his back.
He trails down minutes later and the smell of arousal is making him dizzy, Hongjoong should smell pungent and sharp as an Alpha, but he is so sweet, he smells like he is already on cloud nine. He spares a glance and sees his foggy eyes on the ceiling, his lips parted in permanent gasps, his hands about to tear the mattress with every flick of fingers inside him.
He is wet with lube, his inside is burning hot around Seonghwa’s fingers as he goes deep to unravel harsher moans from Hongjoong. He moans like an Omega in heat, like he can’t get enough, his knot is useless on his stomach as he leaks more onto his belly.
Seonghwa salivates at the flush of his body, the want, the blatant desire to be mounted by another Alpha. He is itching to call him a slut, but he swallows every harsh word to provide one night of escape for the wounded wolf.
And it’s worth it when Hongjoong cums from Seonghwa being four fingers deep in him, he cums with a labored moan and the prettiest arch of his back. He smells divine, he smells like a whole feast and that spurs Seonghwa to go down on him, licks every bit of cum on his skin before it gets dry.
From then onwards it’s blurred with his rut’s red vision, everything burns as he manhandles Hongjoong closer and probes his lower back on his lap, he spreads the legs around his torso and lets his hard cock slide deep inside the withering Alpha.
He growls at the tightness and incredible heat, Seonghwa has filled him with lube now he feels wetter than any Omega. The slide is smooth, it’s addicting. Seonghwa can’t stop groaning and moaning with every thrust, hands gripping the luscious thighs, leaving finger imprints.
Hongjoong is drooling, his mouth is hanging with every push and pull, he feels Seonghwa so deep in his body, he feels Seonghwa’s palm flatten on his lower belly and press on the bulge. He doesn’t dare look, he can’t cum again so fast. It feels heavenly, the hand stroking his belly, the stretch of cock and the forming knot. It feels like ecstasy, he is already delirious, the smell of sex is thick and suffocating in the air.
The whole place smells of them. That alone makes Hongjoong so happy to the point Seonghwa’s Alpha can smell it. Seonghwa’s knot inflates in pride, he leans down until both their bodies connect and easily slips a tongue between Hongjoong’s parted lips in a hard to resist kiss.
Seonghwa thrusts mercilessly as he continues kissing the moans and gasps, his hands feel for Hongjoong’s on the mattress until he finds them and he threads their fingers tight. One last thrust gets Hongjoong seeing white. Seonghwa moans deep as he pops a knot inside the Alpha, he keeps rutting until he fills Hongjoong with cum so much his belly swells.
The vibrations of the satisfied Alpha rumbling travels to Hongjoong’s chest and gets butterflies suffocating him until he is crying and clawing at Seonghwa’s back to pull him close, closer, impossibly so because they are already held together by a knot.
Seonghwa doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t stop kissing him either. Seonghwa is in a complete trance as he sucks wetly on his throat, fisting Hongjoong’s hair back so he can have access to graze his skin.
There are worshipper marks all over Hongjoong’s skin, Seonghwa doesn’t leave a space with no kisses and he doesn’t cease his ruts.
When Seonghwa pulls back finally to see his artwork, his eyes are misty and dark, his lips are wet and there is a flush down to his chest. He is sweating, his dark curls are wet as he grips Hongjoong by the hips, and grinds into him suddenly.
Hongjoong yells, eyes rolling back from the sudden pleasure and oversensitivity. Seonghwa’s knot barely went down but he is already growing it again, he is completely lost in lust he thrusts with abandonment.
“A-Alpha! Hnggg!!” Hongjoong chokes on his gasps when Seonghwa toys with his knot between his fingers. Seonghwa squeezes, taunts him, and that makes Hongjoong leak more into the pool of cum collected on his belly.
Seonghwa smirks, he knows exactly what he is doing. “Don’t look away from me or I’m punishing you.” Hongjoong doesn’t, but the eye contact is like fire on his skin. He sees the unfiltered want, rut is where primal desires show their true form, and at that moment, Seonghwa desires to take everything he can from Hongjoong.
He wants Hongjoong, only Hongjoong, no one else. Seonghwa’s wolf wants to own the smaller one so badly it’s almost painful, he thrusts hard to get rid of the unbearable ache and cums again while locking eyes with Hongjoong.
Seonghwa pants heavily, he caresses Hongjoong’s belly to feel the swell and almost grows mad he can’t breed him. He wants more, so much more. He wants a pack, he wants a family, he wants Hongjoong’s pups. But Hongjoong is also an Alpha and he is stuck very stranded and not able to sate his unrestrained want, which is slowly turning painful. So painful it feels like he is surrounded by complete madness.
He hoists Hongjoong up so he is seated in his lap and the submissive Alpha melts on him, cheek rests on his shoulder and lips part softly for breath. He looks lovely, Seonghwa hugs him, so tight as if he wants them as one.
He caresses the smooth skin, kisses Hongjoong’s shoulder and proceeds to nuzzle his neck and scent him, a fake temporary claim so he won’t sink his teeth in the skin.
After all, he is letting Hongjoong go after his rut. It pains him immensely he doesn’t realize how hard he is holding the boy until he whimpers and whines in confusion.
Seonghwa ruts gently into him. “Mine.” He murmurs the word right into Hongjoong’s ear and he feels the shudder, he feels Hongjoong claws at his chest, can’t dare say the word back. Because Seonghwa is never his.
He nibbles Seonghwa’s neck instead and rubs it with his nose, a shy nonverbal way of claiming. ‘You can be mine too.’
It’s lost on them how long they fucked, any semblance of time and place is gone and it’s just them. Seonghwa finally pulls out of Hongjoong after he cums for the fourth time. Hongjoong grows hot and embarrassed with how much cum he is leaking, it just never stops coming out and Seonghwa stares, shamelessly and with so much pride. He has Hongjoong’s legs spread wide apart, one palm flattened on Hongjoong’s lower belly, pressing down so the cum can gush out of him.
Hongjoong is embarrassed but that doesn’t stop his spent cock from twitching and feebly blurting a bead of cum.
“Filthy,” Seonghwa hums fascinatingly as he circles the stretched rim before easily slipping three fingers in and spreading them. More cum leaks out and Hongjoong whines and paws at his eyes from embarrassment. He only looks when the fingers are out and Seonghwa has them to his lips.
Hongjoong doesn’t break eye contact, stares deep into Seonghwa’s inner wolf as he obediently swallows the cum around the fingers, his pink tongue slipping between the fingers to get every bit of the Alpha’s potent taste.
“Goddammit, you are unreal,” Seonghwa drapes himself all over him and kisses those sinful lips heatedly, “you are every bit of temptation, can fuck you the whole week,” Seonghwa is breathless as he abuses every place along Hongjoong’s jaw and neck and collarbone, but not the mole, not the place where he can easily put a claim. He doesn’t trust himself at all.
Hongjoong is a fellow Alpha, but that doesn’t stop Seonghwa from picking him up like a princess and fills a hot bath for him and fucks him in it too.
By the time they are both clean and out, Hongjoong is about to pass out. It’s nighttime, Seonghwa lays the Alpha on his sofa as he goes to prepare dinner, rut has simmered down to a dull want that can easily be overcome by the need to feed and care for his partner.
He returns with two plates of food. Hongjoong looks extra soft and small in his oversized hoodie and pants, tiny pink toes peeking out and his pheromones smell so content it satisfies him so much.
“Scoot over,” Hongjoong does, only to latch onto the Alpha after he sits down. He is very clingy when fucked out, and smells so fresh and clean and happy.
Seonghwa has a hard time getting Hongjoong to eat, he falls asleep halfway through, head resting on the Alpha’s lap and snoring lightly. Must have been drained. Seonghwa dares, eyeing his round ass and he feels more pride than sorry as he squeezes one cheek and lets his hand rest there.
Eventually, he picks Hongjoong back to bed, not before stripping the sheets off and replacing them half-heartedly with a new one.
They part three days later after Seonghwa’s rut clears. He was sober by the third day but he pretended not for one extra night with the other Alpha.
Now he has to set him free to heal.
Seonghwa doesn’t want to remember the look in Hongjoong’s eyes. He doesn’t want to see that pain and betrayal ever again, after all the damage Seonghwa caused him, this one appeared to break the small Alpha completely.
He looks beaten, eyes dull. Hongjoong doesn’t even shed a single tear. He merely asks why as he fiddles with his hands without meeting Seonghwa’s eyes.
“So you can move on. After you leave this door, there won’t be an Alpha to hurt you anymore.” Was the truth convincing enough? “I know mine won’t settle down for an Alpha mate, and if you stay, eventually the damage will become unrepairable. I’m setting you free while we both can.”
Hongjoong seems about to say something but swallows it down next to many other words kept unsaid. If Seonghwa doesn’t want him then what is he to object? They have nothing, to begin with.
Seonghwa is sitting on the sofa’s armrest, watching Hongjoong by the front door when he turns around and asks feebly after gathering whatever courage was left in his small marked body.
“Hug?” Seonghwa could swear he felt the lurch in his chest. His throat is tight as he smiles crookedly and spreads his arms wide in silent invitation.
“C’mere.”
Hongjoong runs to him. Runs.
He throws his arms around Seonghwa’s neck and hugs him tight, so tight like a farewell. And maybe it is.
Seonghwa wraps him up gently, knows if he holds a little bit tighter he won’t ever let go. He pets Hongjoong’s head tenderly and nuzzles his neck, takes one last inhale and watches him walk out his front door.
Seonghwa feels like shit after the three days they spent in ecstasy. He feels like a scum, he feels like he ripped a piece of his being and threw it away meaninglessly. However, he knows this one for Hongjoong’s comfort, not his own. So he swallows whatever he is feeling and bears it as an Alpha would.
Maybe he isn’t strong enough. He tries distractions, studying, work, friends, fucking with his coworkers. It’s a gruesome year; he tries everything, he tries dating, he tries commitments, he tries flings. Nothing is as addicting as Hongjoong was to him.
He grows mad, his friends see him grow mad and look very disappointed.
“This is what you wanted. Go build a family with any Omega.” Yunho in particular is the most harsh among them. One time Seonghwa almost snapped at him but Mingi and Wooyoung were there to stop their fight from escalating.
This is exactly what he wanted. He finds an Omega that he doesn’t want to admit looks as dainty as Hongjoong, he tries to spend rut with him yet his wolf is repulsed by the idea, it’s longing and craves for Hongjoong so badly it keeps torturing him.
The Omega freaks out when he sees him trash his apartment and hurriedly escapes before the Alpha does something dumber. Seonghwa doesn’t give a single fuck.
After all, rut is where he acts on his primal desires and he desires only Hongjoong. And he can’t have Hongjoong. He is losing his mind entirely.
“I won’t fuckin’ give you Hongjoong! Get the fuck out of my head!” Yet his wolf never stopped longing. Until he reaches a lethargic state where he is right now.
Two years. He withstood two years without Hongjoong.
“You can simply go see him, y’know?” Yunho has a cigarette between his teeth as he eyes his miserable fellow Alpha friend, holing himself in his office.
“I didn’t give him all that time to move on just to show up right now and ruin his healing.” Seonghwa doesn’t bother to look up at his friend as he types on his laptop hurriedly.
“Why do you assume he needed healing? He wasn't sick.” Yunho looks disgusted. However, Yunho doesn’t know of the night Hongjoong panicked and told him he is the reason he couldn’t breathe.
“My existence can only damage him—”
“Maybe if you treated him better.”
Seonghwa suddenly snaps his laptop shut; it may have been broken too from the force. Seonghwa glares at Yunho in complete furry.
“I’m an Alpha, he is an Alpha. Get that through your thick head.” He snarls as he stands to level Yunho’s unshaken stare.
“Yeah and what about it? Heard an Alpha asked him out last week.” Yunho tries not to look smug, he does a good job at it because Seonghwa doesn’t notice.
“Huh?” Seonghwa is dumbfounded. “What?”
Yunho takes an inhale of smoke. “He works at my mate’s cafe,”
“San’s cafe is Omega and Beta themed?” Now he is just confused.
“Yeah, and Hongjoong wanted to be included where he felt like he belonged and San is a softie he couldn’t say no. Plus, I put a word in for him so he was easily hired.” Yunho shrugs like that’s common knowledge.
“So you mean all that time he was working with your mate?” That’s like Hongjoong lives next door and he doesn’t know for two years. Just ridiculous.
“Yeah and back to the point, an Alpha asked him out last week in the cafe, he got a date this weekend,” Yunho says nonchalantly as he gathers his stuff like his mission is already complete.
“Why are you telling me this?” He scrutinizes his friend suspiciously.
“This might be your last chance before someone else claims him. Bet your wolf would go berserk if it sees a bite on its potential mate.”
And Yunho leaves just like that.
As if he didn’t just throw Seonghwa’s world upside down.
It is like an itch, the possibility of anyone courting and claiming Hongjoong is like an annoying voice keeps nagging at his mind, no matter how much he tries to push it back it just won’t leave him fucking alone.
Whenever the images of a bite adorning Hongjoong’s neck around that pretty mole invade his mind, Seonghwa stands up to pace around his apartment restlessly. He can’t eat, he is spacing out with the many horrific possibilities. He can’t even blink an eye, not a minute of sleep.
Two days, Hongjoong’s date in two fucking days.
How is Hongjoong able to accept another wolf so easily while he still can’t even spend a single night with anyone in two years without being disgusted with himself?!
Well, Seonghwa finds himself in casual jeans and a white dress shirt and is on his way to the cafe the next morning. He curses Yunho on the way because he knows Yunho has planned all of this meticulously. And it worked. It worked perfectly.
He goes when it’s early morning, the cafe is peaceful and quiet when he walks in. It smells like pastries and coffee and lovely Omegas and Betas scents. It’s such a warm place.
He goes to put an order and Hongjoong turns around to greet him cheerily. Seonghwa’s eyes are wide because he didn’t recognize him, the red hair wasn’t here the last time he saw him in black. His scent is layered underneath the potent aroma of the cafe.
Hongjoong is looking at him like he sees a ghost. Seonghwa thinks he isn’t any different. Hongjoong looks beautiful and very healthy. He has this glow around his face, his eyes sparkle, his cheeks are round and full. God does he think he wants to kiss them at that exact moment.
He swallows and pretends he happened by accident here. “Hey, Hongjoong.” He praises himself for his stability.
Nothing has changed. Hongjoong still stutters shyly. “H-Hello Seonghwa.” Seonghwa is very endeared, very proud he still has the same effect on the Alpha. It makes him relax, tension leaves his body as he leans lazily on the counter, it’s not meant to look like anything, but the stance gets Hongjoong fumbling around himself nervously like he doesn't know what to do.
Seonghwa doesn’t realize how he is smiling stupidly, “Hey, slow down.” Hongjoong looks like a deer caught in headlights.
“…’m calm what do you mean…” He pouts and Seonghwa’s eyes linger on the plump lips. He hasn’t got the chance to taste those lips or have it anywhere close in two fucking years. He is deprived, no, he is fucking starved. He wants Hongjoong right at that moment. He is glad they are separated by the counter or else he would already have him in his arms kissed mercilessly.
Seonghwa tries to take a look at Hongjoong’s neck to see, he can’t with the scarf wrapped like a gift wrap around it. He knows since Yunho already told him. But he wants to see the unmarked skin clearly. He wants to feel it. He wants to scent and layer it with kisses.
“Mind taking a small walk with me, hmm?” Seonghwa murmurs dazedly, still enchanted by how beautiful Hongjoong looks in red hair and butterfly earrings and baby blue uniform.
“Emm… let me call Sannie.” He doesn’t get to leave when San stumbles in immediately.
“I’m here!” Not so subtle at all.
San blushes adorably, “hey Seonghwa, long time no see.”
“Hey, San, long time yeah.” He greets the Omega casually, “mind if I steal your barista for a bit?”
“No no, not at all, he can come back by the afternoon shift.” Hongjoong quacks at his embarrassing friend. Both their faces are red and Seonghwa is amused by how flustered they are.
“You sure Hongjoong doesn’t have a date though?” Seonghwa is an asshole and seeing that both of these boys can’t lie, he tries to get it out of their mouths. “Heard an Alpha asked you out.”
“Ugh, oh… uhhh… San I will go now, see you later!” Hongjoong rushes out while throwing his apron off and to Seonghwa’s surprise, he grabs his hand and pulls him out of the cafe.
Seonghwa is too focused on the tiny hand circling his wrist; he doesn't see them stopping at a park nearby. Seonghwa almost reaches for Hongjoong’s hand when he lets go but catches himself. The fuck is he doing now, stop being a creep, get a grip.
Hongjoong blushes, his cheeks are strawberry. Seonghwa wonders if he still uses the same strawberry-scented shampoo.
“I do actually, got a d-date.” Hongjoong tries so hard to be confident in front of Seonghwa, this is his first love right in front of his eyes after all. He is meeting the Alpha for the first time in two years and he still looks as charming as he stands taller, casually, hands in his pockets and staring him down with the same dark alluring eyes that he doesn’t know if the Alpha realizes they are very intimidating and heated.
Seonghwa is upset, deep down he knows he can easily sweep Hongjoong off his feet, but the way he is mentioning another date, another Alpha, doesn’t sit right with his honor, or whatever.
“Oh? You do?” He smirks lazily as he leans down to level their eyes, “must have been so many.”
“Huh? N-No? This is the first Alpha who is serious a-about a relationship.” Hongjoong bites his tongue. Seonghwa decides he doesn’t like the blush on Hongjoong’s cheeks now, not when another Alpha is causing it. “Why do you care…” Hongjoong mumbles, pouty, as he averts his gaze.
Seonghwa shows up after two years of separation and the first thing he does is ask who he is with? Maybe an Alpha who actually wants him as a mate and doesn’t care about adopting to build a pack together. To make a family. An Alpha who doesn’t make him feel like shit for not being able to fulfill things he just can’t and is beyond his control.
Seonghwa smells the sourness in the small Alpha’s scent. He is upset. The pout is cute though.
He reaches out and slips free the scarf around Hongjoong’s neck, the Alpha yelps in surprise but Seonghwa’s eyes are focused on the patch of clear skin, smooth, scarless. Unclaimed.
Seonghwa swallows, salivating. His eyes are dazed as he mindlessly touches the skin with his fingertips. Hongjoong shudders and heat immediately travel down his neck.
“I guess he should have been quicker,” Seonghwa mutters, still caressing the skin. Hongjoong bites his lips to stop his audible breaths.
Hongjoong is trembling, he can’t move when Seonghwa takes a step into his personal space. They aren’t touching, but there is barely a centimeter between their bodies. The height difference makes it so Seonghwa looks down at him, and his face is close enough he can just lean a little and take a lungful of the Alpha’s thick scent.
“What are you doing?” Hongjoong doesn’t trust his shaky voice, he whispers.
Seonghwa doesn’t answer him, he closes his eyes and buries his nose in Hongjoong’s red fluffy hair. Seonghwa takes a deep inhale that Hongjoong feels when his chest expands and touches his own. He holds weakly to Seonghwa’s arm, forehead rests forward just between his collarbones so Seonghwa can drag his nose lower, his temple, his cheek where he feels the round heated skin, along his jaw and down until he has his nose in his scent glands.
Seonghwa takes an audible inhale, Hongjoong thinks Seonghwa is unaware of his body shuddering. Seonghwa feels like an addict.
Hongjoong is too weak, too heady to do anything, his eyes half-lidded and lips parted as he realizes Seonghwa is scenting him mindlessly. He knows it’s mindless because there is no way Seonghwa would scent him in public. They must look like creeps to poor families and young kids taking walks in the park.
“Seonghwa…” He mumbles, he feels thoroughly drunk on the smoky scent of the Alpha. He is dizzy, his chest feels like balloons and his head is fuzzy.
Seonghwa pulls away but not too far, he is just as far gone, Hongjoong doesn’t think he ever saw this look aside from the last three days they spent together. Seonghwa’s eyes unclear, his breaths uneven, he looks…
“You still smell like yourself…” he smiles crookedly, a little prideful.
“Huh?” Hongjoong is very confused.
Seonghwa holds Hongjoong’s neck casually, though the heaviness almost drops Hongjoong into submission. The Alpha still has that easy effect on him.
“Just made sure no other Alpha put a claim on you.” He grins. Hongjoong slowly gets it and blushes so red.
“You are impossible.” He snatches his scarf and free himself to wrap it around his neck again.
“What are the chances I steal you from your date though?”
Hongjoong gaps at him, completely speechless because there is no way Seonghwa is possibly asking to court him?
“What are you talking about?” Hongjoong takes a step back in disbelief. Seonghwa frowns, the hostility is unforeseen to him.
“I want you.” Hongjoong’s eyes widened in complete shock. Is he supposed to be happy about this?
“I thought you separated us so you can find a mate, an Omega mate. Seonghwa, it's been two years, what's going on?” Hongjoong looks pained, lost, very confused. But worse, he keeps putting a distance between them.
Seonghwa knows Hongjoong has every right to be skeptical about his sudden approach. He shows up after two years and demands to have whatever they used to have years ago and more. To have what Hongjoong pegged him for. Hongjoong is right to be hurt, Seonghwa is suddenly handing him what he got tortured for.
“I…” Seonghwa needs to start somewhere. Maybe an apology is a good start for everything. His wolf is getting restless after taking a sniff, he wants hours buried in Hongjoong’s neck to make up for years of deprivation and starvation.
He is jittery, Hongjoong is perplexed to see Seonghwa this ignited. He feels like calming the Alpha but a voice interrupts them.
“Hongjoong!” Both their heads snap to the newcomer. Hongjoong’s eyes are wide in shock. Oh god, this can’t be good.
Seonghwa sniffs a little and crinkles his nose as he scrutinizes the short Alpha.
“Hey,” The young man greets politely. Seonghwa can be polite too, yeah. He shakes his hands back extra firmly.
“Seonghwa, this is Mark, the Alpha I recently met.” Hongjoong tries to be casual. He fails when he trips on his words seeing Seonghwa judge him very shamelessly.
“Mark, this is… ugh… this is Seonghwa.” Hongjoong can feel Seonghwa glare at him. He probably wounded his pride by not introducing him as anything. But what is he supposed to address him as? A friend? His ex? The Alpha who used to fuck him? All sounds wrong and would only complicate things.
He supposedly has a date with Mark in two days, he can’t ruin things now, can he? Or is it already ruined?
The introduction is very awkward, even the dogs in the park are looking at them funny. Mark is all sunshine and rainbows and then there is a gloomy cloud on top of Seonghwa’s head. It would have been hilarious if not for the mothers pulling their kids away while casting them weird looks.
Hongjoong understand. Three Alphas are standing in the middle of a family park in the middle of the day with some weird tension and mixed challenging pheromones that no one knows which belongs to whom and Hongjoong is about to bawl his eyes to stop the stilted conversation between these two.
Like, fuck Seonghwa needs to know who is Mark’s family, where he works, what has he studied and how many Alphas has he dated before. Who would have thought Hongjoong would one day get caught between two Alphas fighting for his affection.
He would be flattered if not for the trouble he knows he is in. Seonghwa is serious, and the more Mark spoke nonchalantly like Seonghwa isn’t trying to intimidate him, the more Seonghwa looks about to punch him.
Hongjoong decides to do something when the topic dangerously narrows his date with Mark. Seonghwa was scenting him minutes ago, he would snap Mark’s neck for sure. He looks about to, when Hongjoong takes Mark’s hand.
Seonghwa looks at their linked hands like it’s the most horrific thing ever. His scent is very sour, Hongjoong doesn’t believe he ever smelled him this mad. He is fuming.
“Okay, I and Mark will return to my shift. Talk to you later Seonghwa!” And he honest to god, sprints with a very confused Mark.
When they reach the main street, Hongjoong slows down and lets Mark’s hand free.
Hongjoong looks behind him because for a second he smells Seonghwa, but soon realizes it’s the scenting and he blushes. Mark probably smells it on him too and he is very embarrassed and doesn’t know how to explain it.
Mark looks casual now unlike the previous politeness. “Is he your infamous ex?” Oh.
He forgot Mark knows he has a history with an Alpha. Guess it didn't take much to link Seonghwa to everything he knows.
Mark heard about him from his circle of friends, one of them is Yunho. They mentioned it because Mark is an Alpha who fancied other Alphas and when he heard of a lonely sad one, he wanted to meet him so badly. Mark thought why not plan a blind date.
He visited the cafe days later and completely loved Hongjoong, said he had never seen such a timid and pretty Alpha before.
Though Mark doesn’t exactly know the details; how Seonghwa isn’t exactly an ex. They were never in a relationship, Seonghwa was never Hongjoong’s and that makes him not his ex.
Hongjoong smiles ruefully. “Yeah, the one who… left.” Who selfishly separated them.
Mark picks on his sadness and grins to lighten the mood. “Easy, it’s okay just ignore him, if he keeps bothering you tell me.” Hongjoong truly appreciates him, he feels very warm.
Mark keeps reassuring him all the way back to the café, even buying him ice cream on the way.
Some of Mark’s words linger in Hongjoong’s head even after the Alpha leaves and Hongjoong lays on his pillow at night.
‘No offense, but Seonghwa is stupid. He doesn’t know how rare submissive Alphas are, how lucky he was to have found one, only to let him go. Let you go.’
No one told him before he is precious enough for anyone else to be considered lucky to have him. He always thought of himself as less, and he blames his father, his family, his judgmental neighbors, and the dirty looks he received throughout his college years.
He blames Seonghwa too, for always demeaning him and always making him feel undeserving.
The date with Mark is nice. Hongjoong can’t ask for any better Alpha. He can tell Mark is trying his best to show him how good he is, how better he can be than Seonghwa. He is a complete gentleman.
Mark takes him for a humble dinner, respects his boundaries, he is bashful when Hongjoong allows him to hold his hand in the walk along the riverbank and the drive home, he keeps stealing glances at Hongjoong like he can’t get enough. He looks happy by just having Hongjoong by his side.
Hongjoong hates himself for his intrusive thoughts, he masks his own bitter scent because all he thinks about is why it was so hard for Seonghwa to be the same, to accept who he is. They could have been this happy together instead of two years of separation and yearning and starvation. What was the need for all the cries and pain and harsh words?
Now Seonghwa shows up just to make things more complicated. He could have easily settled for Mark, enjoyed the dates and care and courting, enjoyed being somebody important to someone.
Seonghwa was all his firsts, Seonghwa was the reason he wanted to be what he is now. Seonghwa was the reason he discovered the side he is more comfortable with. Yes, his body’s anatomy is of an Alpha, but all he wants is a bigger wolf to curl around him and keep him cherished and warm and protected.
Seonghwa still never explained why he used to treat him that way, why he let him go if he wanted him since then. Seonghwa, if he is anything then it’s a blurred image. Nothing is ever clear, always closed off, his eyes are a pool of ink, his scent a cloud of thick smoke, his words an endless secret.
“Thank you, Mark, this was the best any Alpha has ever treated me.” He is being honest, Mark deserves this at least.
“Don’t thank me, I enjoy just being by your side.” The words are sweet, they make him happy. However, they don’t tug at his heart like any bare minimum Seonghwa would give him.
It’s always Seonghwa. Everything is measured to him, compared to him, Seonghwa Seonghwa Seonghwa Seonghwa—
“Hongjoong,” Hongjoong snaps out of his trance, he feels guilty he has once again slipped.
Mark smiles understandably, “his return must have thrown you off.”
“Well… there was a lot, it’s just so sudden…” Hongjoong mumbles shyly.
“Listen, I know you will start feeling guilty or whatever soon, but don’t.” The conversation is awkward with Hongjoong standing by the car and Mark leaning out the window and talking to him like that, hand on the steering wheel and the car engine is not even turned off.
“Our wolves are still unfamiliar with each other, they won’t get hurt. What you have with Seonghwa must have been more than both of you have thought. Clear things with him first, whatever the outcome be, we can still be friends or more if you wish.” Mark doesn’t look upset at all, on the contrary, he looks chill and unbothered. He doesn’t pressure him and doesn’t try to challenge Seonghwa’s place. And for that, Hongjoong is very thankful.
He leans down and kisses him on the cheek. “Thanks.” He whispers. Mark’s cheeks are tinted pink.
“No problem.”
They say goodbyes and both part their ways home.
Hongjoong asks to meet Seonghwa two days later. At first, he thought about some restaurant, but in fear that things would get heated and they would fight, he decided to go somewhere private.
That’s why he is standing in a place he is too familiar with yet feels so foreign to him now.
Seonghwa’s apartment.
“Any drink?” Hongjoong shakes his head. He is anxious and tense. He doesn’t know where to sit until Seonghwa motions for him to sit on the other end of the sofa.
“So,” Hongjoong starts hesitatingly, “I went on the date.”
Seonghwa scoffs as he looks away, masking the jealousy and possessiveness with anger. “So you came here to tell me how you enjoyed another Alpha's time?” He spits annoyedly.
“Actually, yes. I came here to tell you exactly that.” Something petty in Hongjoong decides to grill the egoistic Alpha more. Seonghwa looks at him in astonishment like how dare he?
“Good for you, happy you had so much fun.” Seonghwa isn’t genuine in the slightest, his scent is like venom. Very bitter. He is getting told how some other Alpha is better than him, doing better than him, which made Hongjoong happy while he could never. Alphas if they care about one thing, then it’s their motherfucking pride. And at this moment, Hongjoong is trashing his.
“Yeah, he took me out on a nice dinner, he respected me and made me smile. He walked me by the riverside while holding my hand and drove me home late at night.” Hongjoong dares take a glance, Seonghwa’s knuckles are white and his jaw is about to snap from grinding his teeth.
“Get the fuck out.” Seonghwa grits. “Get the fuck out if you are gonna continue this bullshit.” Seonghwa is furious as he stands up to pace. For once, Hongjoong is defiant and not afraid.
“Why? Is it because you hate that someone else is being better than you’ve ever been?”
“Fuck!” Seonghwa grabs a nearby glass ornament on the coffee table and smashes it on the wall. It shatters loudly to countless pieces and Hongjoong hates how he startles at the sudden tantrum. “No! I’m mad at myself! Not him or you!”
Hongjoong tries to hide how his hands are shaking. “You see Seonghwa, I don’t understand you, I’ve never understood you.” Hongjoong’s eyes are sad as he watches Seonghwa struggle to keep his composure. It’s hard when the place is suffocating with the smoke of his depressing pheromones.
Hongjoong wants to comfort him, but he can’t surrender with no answers.
“The whole date I kept thinking why you couldn’t be the same—” Hongjoong flinches and gasps when Seonghwa punches the flat tv and it cracks. He is breathing harshly while bracing himself there, back turned to Hongjoong so he doesn’t see the mess he is right now.
He doesn’t trust himself if Hongjoong keeps comparing him to another Alpha, keeps putting him down in comparison, keeps calling out his flaws and telling him how he can never be a good one. His wolf is humiliated; is furious. Hongjoong is stepping on his pride so carelessly.
“Why couldn’t you treat me right Seonghwa? If your wolf wanted me, why did you put us through that anguish and suffering?” So many questions, “Why did you cast me away? Why did you scent me before you let me go?” Hongjoong’s voice slowly grows thick, his eyes burn in agony.
“Why did you show up after two years? What has changed Seonghwa?”
“I resented you!” Seonghwa suddenly turns around and shouts furiously. His chest heaving up and down harshly as he vomits the entire truth. “You were the reason I was so tormented! Yes, I’m sorry I got it all out on you but at that time I blamed you for everything!” Seonghwa points his finger at him accusingly. His eyes are glazed, it’s either madness or unbearable pain.
“It was your fault—You made me want you, you made me fall for you, and I kept wanting a pack and family with you,” Seonghwa towers over him but keeps a distance. Hongjoong doesn’t like sitting on the sofa, feeling small while Seonghwa yells at him.
“I—I feel these butterflies shit inside whenever I think of having my pups with you,” he yanks his shirt ignitedly, like his chest really hurts. “I kept thinking of how they would look like, they would look in your arms. I wanted more from you that it drove me sick, I was close to losing my mind because how could I fuckin’ have all of these thoughts and urges about another Alpha!”
It was literally as if his head and heart were tearing him apart because he couldn’t agree on one thing. He wants Hongjoong but how could he want an Alpha?!
Hongjoong is crying. In his shock and erratic heartbeats, tears freely overflow. He sobs audibly as he stands to put more distance away from the blazing eyes of the Alpha. Seonghwa just dumped on him that, once again, all that happened because he wasn’t enough. He will never be enough.
Seonghwa never treated him right because he is an Alpha. Just about right to make him hate himself more after two years of convincing himself it wasn’t his fault.
He wipes at his endless tears and doesn’t meet Seonghwa’s fiery eyes. “Well you know I still can’t give you that,” Hongjoong smiles bitterly and looks at him. “I can’t have your pups, I can’t fuckin’ conceive because I’m an Alpha too.” Hongjoong wipes harshly at his eyes again but angry tears won’t fucking stop falling. “Are you gonna continue blaming me? Do you want me back so you can satisfy your Alpha yet keep torturing me!” He shouts in frustration. “It’s not my fault! What do you want me to do!”
Hongjoong wails pathetically; it makes Seonghwa more frustrated at the distress. He wants it to stop. He wants to stop hurting Hongjoong so badly. He wants to collect him in his arms and for once protect him from every harm even if it’s himself.
“It’s not, I know now it’s not Hongjoong.” Seonghwa is afraid to approach, his hand hovers midair.
“You don’t think I’ve ever thought about it before?” Hongjoong sniffles and hiccups. Seonghwa looks heartbroken when Hongjoong speaks shakily. He looks wrecked. “I’ve always wanted to be good for you, even before presenting.” Hongjoong smiles reminiscently, ruefully.
“I wanted to have your… pups…” Hongjoong says softly, something in Seonghwa’s chest breaks with how beaten Hongjoong’s confession sounds. “I imagined… I imagined many things too…” he chokes on a cry, “but then I presented and— everything was ruined,”
He imagined a pack. He imagined carrying a pup… he imagined a big room and pretty wide nest filled with many teddy bears, fluffy blankets and colorful pillows. He saw himself safe in there, he saw Seonghwa there with him. He saw Seonghwa adoring him, cradling him with affection and kissing him like he is a mate.
He always imagined, daydreamed of what it is like to be bitten by the Alpha, that sense of belonging, of safety, of knowing he has a wolf who is ready to bare his teeth for him.
He imagined many things and it broke him. It broke him that he can never have any of these, he can’t carry a pup, Seonghwa won’t mate him, they can never share a nest and they can never have a family.
Hongjoong doesn’t know what to do, what Seonghwa wants him to do. Does Seonghwa think he never thought about it before? The sense of being vain, flawed, can never complete Seonghwa. Whenever he took the Alpha, he thought how different it would have been if he was an Omega, he would give Seonghwa all he ever wanted. He could so easily make him happy.
After a moment of unbearable silence, Hongjoong is calmer when he speaks. “Be real Seonghwa, is it going to be like before? Because I don’t think ‘m strong enough to walk back there…”
“No!” Seonghwa is frantic, “I want you back because I can’t be with anyone else but you- fuck, do you even know how I can’t have connections with anyone else anymore?” He looks exasperated, “because my wolf refuses to severe whatever I had with you! I need you, I crave you! I just need you around I don’t fuckin’ know either!” Seonghwa is also lost, he is forsaking his brain for his heart.
“Will you treat me right though? I can’t imagine you flaunting an Alpha mate? I can’t imagine you allowing me to bite you.” Hongjoong humors him with a bitter crooked smile.
“Will you enjoy my company outside sex? Do you want me around your home? Do you want your home to smell like us?” Hongjoong’s heart betrays him and flutters at the imagery.
Seonghwa looks muddled. “I… I want to change, I want…”
“Seonghwa, I’m so used to you either having hateful sex or hurting me, I… I just… ’m too wounded and scared to trust you…” that hurts. Seonghwa’s wolf whimpers inside, wants to wrap around Hongjoong’s smaller one and rubs apologies into his distressed soul.
“I want to be… I can show you?” Seonghwa looks hesitant, maybe scared a little himself, that Hongjoong is about to leave and never return to his arms again.
“We can do it traditionally, I will court you-” Hongjoong laughs wetly, very humored.
“You would? You are ready to court an Alpha?” Seonghwa blushes. He actually blushes and Hongjoong is very endeared. He never thought he would ever see the difficult Alpha so shy.
“Isn’t that how you prove yourself?” He is sulking, god what should Hongjoong do. Seonghwa is so cute like this, the idea should be terrifying but he wants to cradle him to his chest and coo at him. He knows though that would get his neck snapped.
“Yeah…? I guess that and dates… and small gestures that show you care hmm?” Hongjoong smiles softly, he reaches to wipe the remaining tears hanging in his thick lashes but Seonghwa beats him to it.
He does it with his sleeves because his right hand is bleeding from the previous hit. Hongjoong squeezes his eyes before he opens them, Seonghwa is staring at him again with what can only be named longing.
“I will do all that,” he promises as he holds Hongjoong by the cheeks tenderly. They are very soft and round, he squeezes them a little and Hongjoong blushes. “I can prove I can be a good Alpha for you.”
He lets go and sits back on the sofa. “But can I get a hug first?” He asks tentatively.
“You want Joong to hug you?”
Oh. The third person speech again… Seonghwa’s heart is running leaps. He doesn’t know what to do, he isn’t allowed to take too much, but Hongjoong is very endearing like this, and when he speaks in third person, it almost makes him lose his mind.
“Yeah, want Joong to hug me.” He smiles softly. The previous fight has left his body now he feels very tired, wants to be held in Hongjoong’s small embrace.
Hongjoong hesitantly walks to Seonghwa who parts his legs to provide a space for him to stand.
Hongjoong fits perfectly there as he stands so close, hands are slow as he threads Seonghwa’s hair, hearing the Alpha’s satisfied rumbles in his chest when he scratches the scalp. He pulls at the hair until he has Seonghwa’s head pressed to his chest and he hugs him, very tight.
Seonghwa blanks for a second, overwhelmed by being surrounded by Hongjoong’s scent. He feels belonged, this place is warm like home. He burrows his face in the folds of his hoodie, keeps inhaling and rubbing his cheek on the material to mix their scents together.
When he is sure he smells them both and Hongjoong wraps his arms completely around his back, he melts in the embrace.
Seonghwa likes, no, he loves Hongjoong’s hugs. Somehow, they are small, he is small, but Hongjoong makes it so it’s the safest place. He hugs warmly, he hugs like he is full of affection and sunlight, he hugs like he needs the physical connection himself. And he purrs… he purrs?
“Did… did you just?” Seonghwa peeks up from Hongjoong’s chest to look at him with wide surprised eyes, and his breath hitches at how warm Hongjoong’s cheeks look, and how he coyly averts his eyes. His lashes fucking flutters too.
“I… I purr… sometimes…” Alphas growl, they rumble, they are rough and rugged, but Hongjoong purrs, not only does he hug like a small wolf, he purrs too.
“Can I slip and kiss you now?” He claws at Hongjoong’s hoodie, trying not to grip his hips and pull him even closer. He is afraid things will escalate quickly and he knows he can’t stop himself.
Hongjoong doesn’t respond, he bites his lips and that’s where Seonghwa is staring right now. He wants to bite too, he wants to sink his teeth in many places. He is a deprived wolf for fucks sake.
Hongjoong drapes his arms loosely around his neck and leans down, he presses his lips ever so gently to his mouth. Seonghwa sucks a breath before wrapping his own arms around the small waist and kisses back.
The kiss has no tongue yet Seonghwa pulls back when he feels Hongjoong’s hands tremble. He looks closely at the closed eyes, scrunched eyebrows, the wobbly lips.
“Shush…” He pulls Hongjoong down by the nape and secures him in the crook of his neck, that’s when Hongjoong fully breaks down and cries. He is frantic when he paws at Seonghwa’s shirt, he rubs his nose at his scent glands, inhales and chokes like it’s too much and not enough. Never enough.
Seonghwa tries to calm him down with his pheromones, he strokes his back and holds him safely so Hongjoong doesn’t think he is leaving him again.
The separation must have been very terrible for him, one day he is high on getting fucked in rut and the next he is told to not meet again. Two years are so long when you don’t know if your wolf mate will be back or not.
Seonghwa startles when Hongjoong climbs his lap and clings to him. He holds tight like he is never letting go.
“M-Missed you…” Hongjoong says wetly, he hiccups and still refuses to pull away from Seonghwa’s neck. “I never thought you… you will ever be back for me…” his voice breaks pitifully, “Joong misses you s’much…”
“Missed you more… missed everything about you,” Seonghwa kisses his temple comfortingly. “I just want you near, I can’t…” his voice grows thick, he is filled with overwhelming emotions he can’t begin to make sense of.
He claws back at Hongjoong, holds him so tight he may break as he drags his lips down his jaw, his neck, he inhales sharply through his nose and kisses his shoulder where he pulls the collar to show bare skin.
Hongjoong whines, he squirms in his lap like he wants to mold into Seonghwa. “Alpha…” he whines, “Joong’s Alpha hngg…”
Seonghwa yanks him roughly by the hair and faces his glassy eyes and wet cheeks. Hongjoong looks so far gone. Seonghwa slots their noses together as he pants heavily against his mouth, keeps eye contact, an incredibly heated one. “Yeah? That’s right, I’m your Alpha.” He growls low, and takes Hongjoong’s mouth, kisses him wetly, hungrily.
His wolf is feverish as he licks into Hongjoong’s mouth, marvels at the wet sounds, the whimpers, the way the smaller Alpha submits so easily for him.
When he gives them a reprieve, Hongjoong is dizzy, his lips tingling as Seonghwa strokes them with his thumb mindlessly.
“Mine.” The word is so raw. Hongjoong shudders, scent sweetened instantly. He wants to say it back but he is still conscious of years back when he couldn’t.
Seonghwa growls when he doesn’t. “Say it.” He orders as he presses him impossibly closer, very possessive. “Say I’m yours. Say it. Say you own me.” It sounds dangerous, like a threat, but it’s merely desperation. Seonghwa’s thumb rubs hard circles around the mole on the side of Hongjoong’s neck, the right place to sink teeth and have his mating mark on display in front of everyone.
“M-M….mmmhh…” Hongjoong just can’t, it’s so hard, it’s not even an I love you. This one matters more, Seonghwa is finally presenting him with a chance— no, Seonghwa is demanding it. Seonghwa wants—needs it.
Hongjoong holds Seonghwa’s face with two shaky paws, and rests their foreheads against each other. He gathers every bit in him as he inhales Seonghwa’s hot breaths.
Their mouths hover openly, waiting. Seonghwa feels like he isn’t allowed to breathe in anticipation, chest tight and heart pounding—
“Mine…”
It is very timid and fragile, so quiet. But Seonghwa hears it loud and clear and something in him clicks right.
“Again…” He nuzzles Hongjoong’s nose contently as he sighs in relief, dragging his nose along the round cheek, scenting him sweetly.
“M-Mine… my ma— my Alpha…” Hongjoong quickly corrects himself.
Seonghwa kisses him again, and again, until he knows Hongjoong’s lips are wet and bruised but he is prideful. This is his little Alpha. His.
“Yours.”
Seonghwa knows he has a lot to get over with. Hongjoong knows he is wagering his whole heart by walking back into Seonghwa’s arms. But one thing is certain, none of them wants to hurt the other anymore. Seonghwa doesn’t. He wants to make Hongjoong happy, he wants to be a good Alpha for him.
He wants daily Joong hugs, he wants scenting, he wants to mate him. And the rest he can work on and get by.
He is content by just pressing his face into Hongjoong’s neck and smelling nothing else but them.