Work Text:
“Ah, fuck! ”
The curse rang out through the thankfully empty house- Dyan was at a meeting and the kids were over at friends’, meaning he was able to let loose the string of swears that followed. Rubbing the front of his foot, David stared down at the box he accidentally stubbed his toes against, finally crouching down after a moment to dust off the top. It’d gotten buried in his office closet, beneath cases of, well, cases , and various photo albums and other important records; he’d been meaning to get a lot of this scanned into the computer, but time had gotten the better of him, it seemed.
“Jesus… How long has it been…?”
With slow, almost nervous movements, he pulled the lid off the box and set it on the floor, fully sitting next to it and leaning back against the side of his desk. The scent of three decades’ worth of old parchment wafted up towards his nose, causing it to wrinkle, but he pushed forward, fingers cautiously dancing over the contents of the box. One, two, three, four- Envelope after envelope, letter after letter, David’s eyes scanned the time capsule resting next to him, watching as he saw his neat, tight handwriting start to get looser, shakier, more… Childlike . A box of unsent, unstamped letters, with a single envelope resting on top of the others, one word written in a hard-pressed black ink.
Dad .
Something in his chest settled, heavy and weighing down on him the longer he sat staring at the box- At some point, he lost track of just how long he’d been sitting there in silence, but after enough time, he shook his head once as if to clear it before reaching to the rear of the crate, carefully pulling out the faded envelope nestled there. Like the other, this one had the word Dad written on the front, only the handwriting was far messier, and despite its age, despite faded ink, it was a wonder he hadn’t torn through the page as a kid writing out those three letters with how hard he’d pressed down his pen. Flipping it over, David carefully opened the envelope, sliding the letter out and unfolding it with equal consideration. Hoo boy .
MARCH 1989
Dear Dad,
Today in English class we were told to write a letter to someone who was far away. Jimmy was talking about writing to his dad who is stationed in Hawaii, and Raquel is writing to her grandparents who live in Maine. I told Mrs. Gibbs that I was going to write to a gong and a ma who are back in Singapore right now, but I already turned that one in.
Wally made me go out in the yard to play ball with him. I tried telling him to go and play with Gary, but he said he didn’t want to because he wanted to get better at catching for whenever you come back. I don’t get how you could just leave us like you did. I don’t even know if I want you to come back. Mama won’t talk about it, but I’ve caught her crying about it a lot. Mr. Sherwood stopped by recently and said you ran off to some island or something, but mama just made him leave. I think he’s right, though. You already weren’t staying at home lately, and no one else seems to know where you are, so you must’ve ran away.
Was it because of mama? She blames herself but I don’t think it was her fault. I think it was yours. You don’t care about us, and you haven’t for a while. You were always away, or at some party, or whenever you did show up, you were drunk or on drugs or something. I could hear you and mama fighting because I’d wake up whenever you started doing that weird whisper-shout.
I know Wally wants you back, and mama just wants to know where you are, but I don’t want you to come back. I never want to see you again.
Davey
Hands shook as he stared at the letter, almost unable to tear his eyes away; blinking, he realized that at some point he’d started crying, so he brought his free hand up to quickly wipe them away, sniffling once and inhaling deep as if to stop it. Fuck . March, 1989… Six months after… After dad had left. Or- Well, now he knew. Disappeared. Didn’t make rereading this any easier. Sure, he knew. David, the 44-year old man- Vampire- Who had already learned that his dad had been turned into a rat for his greed and had lived that way for 30 years. Sure, he knew that.
But the 13-year old David who wrote this letter? He didn’t know. He wouldn’t know. He wouldn’t know for a very long time.
Just as carefully as he took it out, he slipped the letter back into the envelope, placing it back at the rear of the box- And then he took the next one out, one step forward from the last. Dad .
MAY 1989
Dear Dad,
I don’t know why I’m writing to you again. I’ve been feeling really really angry lately, and the doctor mama is having me and Wally see said that writing is a good way to get anger out, I guess. I wanted to tell you that you missed Wally’s last game of the season today. He started playing back in March and has gotten pretty good. He spent the whole time looking into the crowd for you and kept telling people that you’d show up for the last game for sure.
He really seems to think that you would care about him, and I think that makes me maddest of all. He still thinks you’re going to come home someday, but I don’t think you will. You didn’t want us. You didn’t want to be a dad. All you cared about was your stupid job and your stupid money. You never gave a… Flip about us. Not mama, not me, not Wally. I hope wherever you are you don’t have anything that you thought was so much more important than us. Mason said he thinks you ran off with some lady and have a new family now, and if that’s the case, I hope you’re miserable with them. I hope she leaves you too.
Davey
A short-lived huff of a laugh escaped him that he couldn’t quite fight; the use of the word flip made him chuckle- He could still see where he had considered writing fuck but changed the letters before he could finish. But whatever joy he felt from the memory passed as quickly as it came, his younger self’s anger growing like a brushfire with each word on the page. That heaviness weighed deeper in his chest, and for a moment, David considered putting it all back, hiding it away in some corner to never be seen again.
Instead, he pulled out the next letter.
SEPTEMBER 1989
Dear Dad,
You’ve been gone a whole year now. I can’t believe it. Well I guess I can. I would say you missed a lot, but that’d be stupid. I know you don’t care, but you missed all our birthdays. Wally really wanted to go to a game for his, so we all went. No matter how many times he gets disappointed by you not showing like he thinks you will, he still continues to hope.
Do you even know? If you’re off on some island like Mr. Sherwood says, do you even think about us? Do you think about how much Wally and mama miss you? I don’t think you do. I don’t think you care. You never did.
Mama keeps looking for you. She doesn’t talk about it, but I’ve heard her talking with the missing peoples group on the phone when she thinks I’m doing homework. I don’t know why she wants to find you. I told her I wish you were dead, and she just told me not to say that. But I didn’t want to lie to her.
David
“David? Daaaaa-viddddd- ”
“I’m- I’m in the office, Wally-”
“Why are you hiding in the corner? Is that a vampire thing?”
Another half-laugh escaped him, but this one at least lingered- Looking up, he considered standing as Wally entered the room, but instead he just gestured for his younger brother to sit down with him.
“So what are you doing on the floor? Do your knees hurt? I remember when a gong got real grumpy because he couldn’t squat anymore like he used to- Do vampires have knee problems, anyways-”
“-I’m looking at old letters.” A pause. “Letters for dad.”
Wally’s rambling ceased as he sat down across from him, his expression unreadable for a moment.
“Have you seen my letters yet?”
“Your letters?” Did Wally write to dad? David didn’t remember anything like that.
“Yeah, I had a buncha letters I wrote! I talked to Dyan a long time ago and she said you had a bunch too, so I gave her mine so they could be together!”
For a moment, all he could do was stare in a mix of bewilderment and amazement at Wally, as if letting the sudden drop settle in his thoughts. With another shake of his head, he leaned over, reaching into the closet and feeling around until he came across a smaller, unfamiliar box. Giving it the same dust-off treatment, David set it between them, letting Wally open it up and looking much like he did when they were kids at Christmas.
“Look, here’s my first one! I wrote it because I saw you were writing one too!”
SEPTEMBER 1989
Dear Dad,
You’ve missed a whole lotta stuff! I saw Davey was writing you a letter, so I thought I’d write you one too! Last weekend a ma tried showing me how to make those soup dumplings I like, but it was really hard! She said mine looked like baseballs, but she still said she’d cook em anyways. They were really really good! School started recently, so a gong and a ma came up to help mama around the house. I hope you’re having fun wherever you are! We all miss you lots and lots and hope you come home soon. Are you gonna bring me a gift? I have all the packs of baseball cards you got me before from the last time you went on a trip, but I don’t think it was this long before. Maybe you could bring me like a baseball this time or something! I can use it with the glove mama gave me for my birthday!
I can’t wait for you to see me play baseball next year. I’m doing really good!
Love Wally
“Wow, look how bad my handwriting was! Do you remember when we wrote these? It was pretty chilly out and ma kept trying to make me take off my jacket inside so I wouldn’t get too hot, but I wanted to keep it on, because she said it was important for me to have it on earlier! But then I did get too hot so she got me some ice water.”
“You got a mind like a steel trap, Wally. No, I don’t remember all that.”
“Really? I remember lots of stuff like that.”
Like an arrow, the words struck that strange heaviness in his chest with pinpoint accuracy: Wally was right. He did remember a lot of things most people didn’t. It was just how he was, how he always was, and he was perfect for it. On the other hand, though… There was a lot he didn’t remember. Looking over the letters in his own box as Wally started to peruse his, they continued to read- More, more of the same; less personal, more angry, his got, while Wally’s stayed even, optimistic. A perfect reflection of their youth, in a way. (And, perhaps, an equal reflection of them, even now.) Glancing down, one particular envelope caught David’s eye, and he slipped it from the crate. No longer did this envelope read Dad , and no longer was the handwriting as messy as before. Certainly still messy, but there was a slight maturity to it that didn’t escape his notice.
Bruce .
MARCH 1991
Dear Bruce,
I’ve decided I’m going to stop calling you dad. Because you’re not a dad. Even before you left, you weren’t acting like a dad. I won’t say it around mama because I don’t want her to get upset, but in these letters I don’t care what I say or who it hurts. Honestly, I’d love it if it hurts you.
Baseball season is starting up again. Wally is excited, thinking that you’re definitely going to come back this year, and this time I couldn’t help it. I snapped at him. I told him to give up thinking that, because the truth is that you’re never gonna come back. I was shocked, I never meant to let my frustration hurt him, but he seemed more upset that I ended up cussing than the fact that I was trying to get him to see the truth. He told mama I swore and so I got in trouble, but I don’t really care about that. I’m still mad at myself for yelling at Wally, but I’m glad he doesn’t seem to have been hurt by what I said.
But at the same time, I don’t get why he still seems so stuck on the idea that you’re going to come back. You never gave us any, like, hint that you’d come back, but he still holds onto hope. You know what sucks? Like really sucks? I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I’ve told the therapist that I’m not angry at you anymore because that makes him leave me alone, but it’s a lie. Every time I try to tell myself to get over it or not think about you, something happens that reminds me of you and I get mad all over again. Mama still doesn’t like talking about you, and whenever a gong and a ma are around and you get brought up, they just call you things in Mandarin that mama won’t translate for me.
Why is it that when you’re not even here, you’re like an ugly shadow hanging over the rest of us?
David
Eyes flicked over towards Wally, his former goatee now a full white, bushy beard over the last nine months. It’d been strange, at first, what with Wally becoming the new Santa- But was it any stranger than him becoming a vampire? Or their dad being the literal rat he always acted like? The hint of a smile pushed up the corner of his lips at the brief thought, growing slightly as Wally laughed about something in his own letters.
“You can read ‘em out loud if you want, bud.”
“We can both read ‘em out loud!”
David quickly had to stifle his noise of disagreement. “No, I do better reading in my head. I don’t mind if you read your letters, though.” In a way, Wally’s voice and letters provided an anchor in the buffeting storm roiling in his chest now as he continued through his own.
NOVEMBER 1991
Dear Bruce,
Happy Thanksgiving, not that I really want you to have a happy one. A gong and a ma are staying at the house for the next month until after Christmas. They said it’s to make it easier so they don’t have to fly up from Florida twice in two months, but I think it’s because they want to help keep mama busy.
A gong made us the usual steamboat for dinner like he always does whenever they’re here for the holidays, but Wally kept talking about wanting to get a wishbone, so mama went out and bought a small turkey just so he could have one. He made me break it with him, but I got the bigger piece. I wish I didn’t. He wasn’t mad, though, he just told me I should use my wish for you to come home. I told him I did, and I feel bad lying to him, but I didn’t want to upset him on Thanksgiving.
Immediately after we finished eating, he had mama put on some Christmas movies. A ma tried to get him to do something else, but when Wally sets his mind on something, he’s gonna stick to it no matter how much someone wants him to do anything else. I’ve heard some teachers call him stubborn, but I don’t think that’s it. He’s not stubborn, that’s just how he works, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It just makes him Wally.
After about two-and-a-half movies, he started working on his letter to Santa already before falling asleep before he could finish. He hadn’t even gotten to the list part yet, he was just writing Santa with updates about his year. I already know what he’s gonna put at the top of his list. Same thing he does every year. I just wish it was like a baseball or something instead.
David
DECEMBER 1992
Bruce,
Merry Christmas, I guess. We spent most of the day just watching movies together. Wally woke us up super early and nearly fell down the stairs when he was running down to go see the tree. He made mama put out cheese with the cookies for something he calls “Santa’s rats”, so he was real excited to see the cheese had been nibbled just like the cookies. I know mama must’ve just done it, because she looked kinda sick this morning, and I know she says she can’t have things like milk and cheese. But she didn’t say anything, and I won’t either. I’m glad Wally still believes in Santa, even if I know he’s not real- I remember a few years ago I got into a fight with some kids because they tried telling Wally he wasn’t real, and I wasn’t about to let them ruin that for him. … Then again, even if I didn’t, he’d probably still believe.
I mean, he still believes you’re coming back after four years.
Every Christmas since you’ve been gone, he’s put you at the top of his letter to Santa, and every year, he runs downstairs as if you’ll be standing by the tree waiting. It really pisses me off- Not at Wally, but at you. But whatever, it doesn’t matter. Wally made us watch that new Home Alone movie over and over all morning, even when mama tried to suggest we watch some other Christmas movie. It was alright, though. I guess it’s funny, and Wally always gets like this when he really likes something, just does it over and over and over. I don’t mind it, though, not really. It makes him happy, and that’s all that matters.
I’d ask if it’s snowing where you are, but honestly, I don’t care. I hope your Christmas is miserable.
David
JUNE 1994
Bruce,
I graduated high school today, and you know what? I did it all on my own. No matter how many times people would talk about how I was doing it for you, or in your memory, or whatever the fuck they would come up with, I didn’t. I did it for mama, and Wally, and most of all? Myself. I got accepted into Columbia Law actually, just like mama went to, and I’m going to become a lawyer just like her. I’m gonna do everything in my power to put assholes like you where they belong.
We went out to celebrate at Nom Wah, it was a gong’s treat. Gramma wasn’t able to come out and visit because she was off in Paris or something, but she did at least send a card and some money. It’s a hell of a lot more than anything you ever did for me. I mean it’s not that I expect anything from you, not after you just gave me a fifty dollar bill for my 11th birthday. I was fucking eleven, Bruce. What is an 11-year-old supposed to do with a fifty dollar bill? I told you all I wanted was that fantastic flying journey book, and you just threw money my way, like you did with everything you considered a problem. Mama got it for me, though. I wanted to read it to you before bed that night, but guess what? Guess who wasn’t there? Guess who was never fucking there?
I’m working at the Rodriguez’ bodega during the summer so I can stay at the house and help Wally out while mama’s working. My girlfriend still has a year left of school, but she’s planning to go to college to become a teacher after she graduates. Did you even know I had a girlfriend? Her name’s Dyan, and I already know I’m going to treat her better than you ever treated mama. No matter how much I may look like you did at 18, I know I’ll never be like you.
David
JUNE 1994
Dear Dad,
I can’t believe I’m gonna be a whole freshman after summer! Eighth grade was really hard, but Davey was always there to help me with homework when mama was busy with work. I’m really sad that he’s gonna be going off to Columbia and won’t be at school with me when I start, but he’s gonna stay at home while going to school, so I can still hang out with him! I’m glad he won’t be moving away, because it’ll be really sad for him to be gone while you are too. You’re gonna come home soon, right? I made Davey send you an invitation to his graduation, and I know you didn’t come, but you’ll come to mine, right?
Love, Wally
AUGUST 1996
Bruce,
Today I’m getting married to Dyan. I proposed after she graduated, but we decided to wait. We were responsible, unlike you. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I’ve decided staying angry at you isn’t doing me a lick of good. You’re gone, and you’re not going to be a part of my life ever again. Dyan and I talked for a while about me taking her last name instead of her taking mine, and for a long time, I was really considering it. I’d much rather wash my hands of everything having to do with you as much as I can, but after thinking about mama still using your last name, I decided to keep it.
I’m going to do so much better with your name than you ever did. I’m going to do so much good, help so many people, no one will ever consider the name Kugrich and you in the same thought ever again.
But, maybe more than that, I know Wally has no intention of ever changing his name. He’ll always be a Kugrich, because to him, there’s no other choice. Even after all these years, you’re still the one he admires above anyone else, for God knows why. I know mama says it doesn’t bother her, and I don’t think it does, but at the same time it’s really gotta fucking hurt seeing your kid idolize the deadbeat who abandoned the family while she’s been working her ass off nonstop to care for us.
I’d write more, but I’m meeting with Dyan’s father Sulung, her brothers, and Wally before the ceremony. Wally made me write out an invitation for you, but I threw it in the trash. Figured it’s where you belong, so maybe some fucking way it’ll make its way to you, wherever the fuck you are.
Hopefully in hell.
David
He picked up the envelope, and for a moment, all he could do was stare at it. He didn’t want to read the next one. He would, he couldn’t not read it at this point, but he knew what was in it as soon as he saw the date- Unlike before, when he couldn’t remember the specific details of the day he and Wally wrote those letters as kids, he could perfectly recall the events that unfolded after he finished writing the letter he now held in his hands.
“Davey? You alright?”
“Yeah-” He could hear his answer come quicker, more forced than he would have liked. “Yeah. I’m fine, Wally.”
JUNE 1997
Bruce,
Wally graduated today. We had a big celebration at mine and Dyan’s place, invited a bunch of his classmates over, and a gong and a ma came up from Florida. You know who else stopped by? Gramma Helen. Gramma Helen came by, and she barely shows up for anything. You always complained about it, but as a kid it didn’t mean much to me, because I was just happy to see her visit. I felt a lot like that today. In my head I kept complaining that you weren’t even aware Wally graduated high school, but Wally was happy to talk about how you would be so proud of him, because he graduated like the rest of us. I know we’re all proud of him, but every time he mentioned you, I just got more angry, even though I told myself I wouldn’t.
Guess I just can’t stop being mad at you.
David
The pen dropped to the table with what sounded like a resounding thud - Even though it was no more than a light clatter that wouldn’t leave the closed door of the office he found himself in, David couldn’t help but hear the noise echo in his thoughts, heavy and reverberating. Hands reached up to his head, fingers massaging his temples; after what felt like an eon, he pushed himself away from his desk, heading out to find Dyan who was currently reading on the couch.
“Hey-”
“Hey.”Tired hands found their way to her shoulders as he leaned down over the back of the couch, lips pressing gently to the crown of her head.
“Do you want anything? Coffee? Tea?”
“I’m fine.”The voice that escaped him sounded like it had considerably aged just over the course of the day, like he was some ancient figure who’d watched over the course of several lifetimes- But he wasn’t. He knew that. He was all of 23, Dyan 22- And at their age, his parents had already had two kids.
He felt a tug on his hand, and as if coming to he looked down, realizing Dyan was trying to get him to sit down next to her. Obliging her wish, he stepped around from behind, still holding her hand as he sat down with that same heaviness in his mind from before. Clearly recognizing it, Dyan just squeezed his hand before bringing it to her lips, kissing it softly.
“What’s on your mind?”
“... Do you think we should’ve had a kid by now?”The words slipped out before he could stop them, a lingering remnant of that doubt that plagued him no matter how hard he tried to ignore it- The conversation of kids was one he and Dyan had, although not often; it was more than just a sore subject, it was a source of anxiety for him, really. His parents had him when they were all of 18, and Wally by the time they were both twenty-two- Sure, his mother had never pressured him for grandkids, (although, a ma had mentioned it more than once,) but the thought still hung over him like a stormcloud.
“I don’t think there’s anything we should have done by now. We’re doing what we want on our own time, and that’s what matters.”
“Okay, yeah, but-”
“Listen to me, David. Just because your parents had two kids by now, doesn’t mean we need to. Just because my parents had a few kids by now doesn’t mean we need to. We- We might not ever have kids, or we may have them eventually, or-”“I just don’t wanna be like him.”
There it was; the elephant in the room, the words David thought to himself every time he looked in the mirror and saw the face of the man who up and abandoned his family, the words that haunted him like a ghost since he was young:
“I don’t wanna make the same mistakes he did.”
Dyan wrapped her arms around David’s shoulders, pulling him into a hug as she pressed her lips to his temple, murmuring soft words of encouragement as she did.
“You won’t- I know you won’t, no matter how many times you worry. I’ll remind you whenever you need to hear it.” A pause, a slow sigh. “I never knew your father, but I can say with certainty you won’t be like him. I know your mother thinks the same.” Her palm cupped his face, thumb brushing over the curve of his cheek before she kissed his forehead next. “Like I said- We may have kids, we may not, we may adopt- The point is, we won’t do it until both of us are ready, got it? No matter the time, we’re in this together.”
Each murmured word, each soft gesture helped his shoulders loosen, the worry he’d been crumpling up into a tight ball starting to unfurl, and as she finished, he could only nod, hugging her tightly back.
“Together- We’re in this together. Always.”
Although he could tell the heaviness had lifted some since he first began, there was an ever-growing tightness quickly replacing it: That letter had been, mind the pun, the final nail in the coffin of his anxiety about having kids. Sure, it was still there over the years following it, but it was far more manageable than it had been before- The conversation with Dyan, the reassurance, was enough to calm his thoughts, his worries. She was always good at that.
FEBRUARY 2007
Bruce,
Dyan and I went to the doctor today to confirm, and it turns out she’s pregnant. She’s only about two months along, but we’re both ecstatic. We had discussed it over and over, and since I recently got a pay raise within the firm, we both thought we were at a good enough place financially in both our lives to try.
By the time this kid is born, I’ll be 31. My first child, and I’ll be 31 years old. … How did you fucking do it when you were 18? You and mama had only just graduated high school, and there you were with me. I mean, clearly you didn’t end up handling it well, but from what I remember, things… Things weren’t always terrible. I don’t think about them much, but there are some good memories from before you went away, I guess.
Dyan recently got an award from the school for her teaching; we’re going to go out to celebrate with everyone later. Wally said he’s got some news for us too that he’s going to share. We all know he’s going to tell us he got a job with the MTA again, but we’re going to just celebrate that anyway since he seems to have forgotten that we did already from when he told us the first time.
He still mentions you a lot. Talks about how he hopes to maybe see you while he’s working on the subway or something. Like that one day he’ll go to work and see you on the trains headed home.
I never know what to say when he tells me that.
David
SEPTEMBER 2007
Bruce,
Welcome to the world, Matthew Jay Kugrich. Eight pounds, eight ounces. The doctor said he was a bit bigger than average, but a ma called his weight auspicious. Yuèfù seems to think Matthew looks like him, but I can’t help but see your nose on his little face. I know, because both ma and Dyan said he’s got my nose, and, well- I know whose nose I have. He’s definitely cuter, though. Dyan is doing well, Matthew too; I brought them both home earlier this morning and they’re getting rest.
I talked to ma for a bit while Dyan and Matthew were getting checked up on by the nurses. She said when I was born, it was just you and her and her parents there; your own parents wouldn’t come. Actually, she said you told your dad not to come at all. I’ve been thinking about that a lot since she said it, and if you were here, what would I have done? I mean, you guys were young; I can’t imagine it would have been easy putting your foot down like that. Did he even call? Did he even want to show up? Or were you just trying to cut things off before they could get worse?
I don’t think I’d want you to meet Matthew. I wouldn’t want to subject him to how you treated us growing up, but even if you tried to play the part of the doting grandparent… No, I think that’d hurt, just in a different way.
David
DECEMBER 2007
Dear Dad,
Merry Christmas, Dad!! Wow, this year has REALLY gone by fast! Little Matthew’s already… September, October… Like, three or four months now! Ma invited us all over to the house to celebrate, and me and David helped her decorate it with lights and everything! She even got me a little tree for my apartment and helped me decorate that too. I hope wherever you are you’re having a nice holiday! Is it snowy there? Or if you’re on that island, I guess it’s sunny, huh? But there are some islands where it snows, like Greenland! Did you know it’s not actually green? I was talking with one of the guys at work and he was saying that he went to Iceland, and THAT’S the one that’s really green! Haha, things can get real crazy, huh? I bet you knew all that, though, didn’t you? You were always really smart about stuff whenever I asked you questions about anything. David is a lot like that too. I was talking to him about music one day and he knew what year a song came out without even looking it up! Wish I could do stuff like that.
Did you see the new Die Hard movie? I know it came out in June, but I made sure to watch the first one this month because it’s my favorite, and it’s a Christmas movie! Ma doesn’t think so, but I know so. I liked the new one a lot, but John McClane’s wife wasn’t in it, and she’s like one of my favorite characters! But there wasn’t any Christmas stuff in it, either.
I saw Santa on the train the other night, so I asked him if he could let you know that I hope you come home soon. He said he’d do what he could, and you know, I believe him! After all, Santa always keeps the promises he makes, that’s what makes him such a good guy. That and the magic, I think.
I’m gonna go over to ma’s tomorrow to make cookies! I wanted to show Matthew how, but David says he’s too little, so I get to make them instead! We’re gonna take them out to the soup kitchen once we’re done; ma and us always go out when we can to help. When you come back, you can come with us! Man, that’ll be great.
I love you lots, Dad!
Love, Wally
MARCH 2008
Dear Dad,
Matthew’s six months old this week. I didn’t think it would go by as quickly as it has. Seems like just yesterday he was born… God, I sound like ma. Every year on our birthdays she ends up talking about how quick me and Wally have grown, and every year I think she’s just saying it just to say it, but... Well, I guess I understand it now.
Dyan and I have been alternating who takes him into work with us; we want to make sure he isn’t away from either of us more than he has to be. I won’t say it’s easy, I’d be fucking lying if I said that, but… Well, I guess the only easy thing is how easy it is to love him. Him and Dyan. Even when things get stressful, I gotta say, though, I don’t ever once think about leaving. Don’t know what made it so easy for you.
David
JUNE 2008
Dear Dad,
Happy summer!! Is it hot where you are? You’re on some island, right? That’s what Mr. John always said, but I don’t think he meant like Long Island or Staten Island or anything. Maybe like Hawaii or Singapore or something! But I dunno why you’d go to Singapore without us, ma is the one with family there after all. Speaking of, I’ve never been to Singapore. I wanna go, but I wanna go with ma and David and Dyan and Matthew and, well, everybody! But they’ve all gotta work, and I do too. I got an award the other day for doing such a good job!
The funniest thing happened the other day; I coulda sworn I saw a BIG rat on the tracks! It was HUGE, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one that big! He even looked right at me! I didn’t have any cheese or nothing, so I gotta remember to take some string cheese to him when I work again. I always make sure to have lots of cheese, even though it makes my stomach hurt sometimes. Oh well!
I hope you’re having a good summer vacation wherever you are, and that you come home soon! I love you!
Love, Wally
SEPTEMBER 2008
Dear Dad,
I spoke with ma about these letters. I didn’t show them to her, I didn’t think she needed it, but we talked. You know, for someone who hasn’t been in our lives for 20 years now, you sure leave one hell of a shadow. I guess that’s how you always were. For the first time, I asked ma what things were like with you, yanno, before everything, and the way she tells it you were always a lot of personality for such a little rat. Honestly… I wasn’t sure how the conversation would go. After all these years, I imagined she’d have finally written you off like she should have done when we were kids, or at the very least cursed everything to do with your name, but… She laughed as she told me things from when you were in high school, or from when I was born. She cried, too, especially after she laughed too hard remembering how you were both nearly late to your own wedding because you went to see Logan’s Run.
Eventually, we stopped talking about you, though, and moved on to just reminiscing about things from mine and Wally’s childhoods and stuff we did together as a family. After that, we ended up saying our goodbyes and hanging up. Ever since we did, I’ve been trying to figure out the rock I’ve had in my stomach since that phone call started, and now that I’m writing all this down, I think I’ve got it figured out. Well, really, I think I’ve known for a while. I just never wanted to say it. It’s not just you that I’m mad at. It’s ma. I’d never tell her, God no, but for everything she did for us two to make up for the fact that you weren’t there? She didn’t make it any easier for anyone by trying to track you down. I’ve gotten past a hell of a lot of anger over these last two decades, but… That one still hurts. Because I think it’s partly why Wally still believes like he does. It’s why he refuses to think you’re gone. It’s… I dunno. It’s frustrating, but there’s not much that can be done about it now. Staying angry won’t help, never did.
Which brings me to my next point. The more I think about it, the more I’m not sure how much longer I should keep these up. I looked back and apparently I started this as some grade school assignment, and then that therapist said it’d be good to use them to write out my anger, but… Look, we both know that I’ve got enough to do with my life instead of just staying mad at you, or ma, or anyone. Even if she and Wally won’t admit it- You’re gone, I get it. Writing to you, whether you’re missing or dead or just on some stupid island won’t change anything. You’re not gonna just one day walk through my front door and say “Hey, David, I’m home.”
So, I guess this is goodbye for now. Or… For the first time, really. You never said it when you left before, so here it is officially. Goodbye, dad.
David
There was one more letter- The last letter, but in a way, it was also the first; it was the first he saw when he opened the box. It was the last letter he’d written, even after his final goodbye. It was the letter Bruce had seen when he snuck into his house as a rat and snooped around because, well, being a sneaky ballbuster was what he was always good at. He didn’t need to read it- He knew what it said. David looked over to Wally, who had stopped reading his own letters a while ago and had since taken to poking through one of the photo boxes that had been sitting in the closet. Looking back to the box, he slipped the final letter inside. But as he did, he felt his fingers brush over paper again, and upon inspecting, realized there was still one more envelope. Dirty, dusty, and clearly looking as if it’d been in there since at least ‘88, there was an old envelope with a blank sheet of paper inside. Glancing at Wally one last time, David reached up to his desk, fished around for a pen, and smoothed the paper out against the box’s lid for a stable surface.
And then, he began to write.
SEPTEMBER 2019
Dear Dad,
You know, I’m not sure which time of year is worse for me. I mean, New Years is gonna be the day I always remember now as the day you finally died, but today… Today’s the last day I saw you. Thirty-one years… And the last time I got to actually see you, you were a rat. Guess ma was right, huh?
Matt and Delia started school this month. Both are still in the same school together; makes me think of the few years Wally and I went to school together before I went onto middle school. He ended up crying for what was probably days that first week of us not being together, but he slowly got used to it. Broke my heart seeing him like that. But… No, I don’t want to reminisce about the sad stuff. I think I’ve done enough of that today.
I spoke to Kingston for a bit earlier this week. Those friends of yours have been doing a hell of a lot when it comes to checking in with me and the family. You really did a number on them, huh, dad? Kinda makes me wish I had actually gotten the chance to see what you were like after it all. I know wishing for more time is kinda pointless; the way Sofie explained it, she says you’re “one with the universe”, whatever that means. Maybe wherever you are you can read this letter. Maybe… That’s why I’m writing it. I dunno, it’s been so long since I wrote one of these, and my last one was before… Well, it doesn’t matter now. Something told me I should write one again, maybe I’ll pick it back up. I’ll leave these ones out so you don’t have to break in through the window to see them this time.
Love, David