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Rain is a symbol of cleanliness and rebirth, a sign that the hardships we have faced are being washed away, and new skin resurfaces once it has dried. It is a breath of fresh air so clean and filtered that it releases every toxin from the lungs and leaves them spotless and brand new. The senses clear up, making the mind, body, and soul become one whole being all over again.
It hasn’t rained for Kagome yet.
It was an idea that seemed so far away, something so untouchable that Kagome could not see it from where she stood. It was a cloud that hovered above her head that was too high for her to touch with her soiled hands. This cloud never left her, it followed every step she took, swerving inside of buildings and shading her from the sun. It cast a shadow right above her, making everything dull and gray, even though the cloud was snow white.
She figured out rather quickly why this feeling of dread always followed her around because even when it left for a few weeks, it always came back. The cycle would constantly repeat itself like a circle that never seemed to end.
Kagome had been experiencing the aftermath of a breakup. A relationship that she thought would surpass all the obstacles put in their way, where love would prevail and would only make them stronger. Her rose-colored glasses obscured her view of all the imperfections, manipulation, and blame that was being fed into her.
It took so long for the glasses to come off after the breakup. Kagome held on to the rusted rail of the stairs that led to her person for dear life, while the man she loved stood at the top with a hammer. He beat the rail until it was on its hinges, being held together by a bent nail that threatened to fall.
The stairs fell with Kagome standing on top of them, broken and injured. She lay on the ground with rust on her hands with nothing but an aching heart.
She had loved him more than she had ever loved anything in the world. He was the sun, this beautiful and precious person who made her the happiest girl alive. She told him all of her secrets, stories from her past, and intertwined herself with him. With time she grew more comfortable to be herself with her ex and felt like it was safe for her to do so. She loved him like he was sacred, her heart only beat for him and grew for him. It was a leap of faith to love him as deeply as she did, and the fear of falling in love was overpowered by the admiration she had for him.
She exchanged souls with him and it was beautiful and terrifying. A connection that ran deeper than the surface was created, and each time they had touched the tie only turned stronger. Her body responded to him at every level, she craved his touch like a wilting flower that would bloom again with every stroke on her cheek. He was full of warmth and comfort every time his arms would wrap around her waist and pull her closer to his body. His embrace is where she felt safety and security, and the only other person who’s made her feel safe that way was in her mother and father's arms. He had become her anchor for when she felt herself diving too deep into her thoughts, and her beacon of light whenever she was hurting.
As a year went by soon this had changed into something darker, this safety net was beginning to split open. Anxiety and the fear of abandonment claimed her every thought, and it had become harder for her to talk to him. He had began to change, and she could not keep up with his storm of emotions. Soon enough she had to walk on eggshells to avoid an argument, she did not bring up how something he said made her feel in order to keep the peace, and she continued this way for two more years. She felt crazy, and like she was losing herself, but the fear of losing the person she loved the most was worse than everything combined.
When he left her all of the air left her lungs and they dried up. They shriveled into two pieces and easily broke apart and crumbled onto the ground. For the first week, it was hard for her to breathe because her lungs hurt and oxygen felt like ice. Her heart no longer beat at the same rhythm as it had with her ex-lover. The entire world had collapsed in a span of one minute, and she had been underneath all of the rubble.
They went back and forth for months. Her persistence in not giving up on the love they shared was stronger than her brain telling her to call it quits. She believed every world he fed to her as he kept her waiting on the sideline for his mind to change, and to give him all of the space he needed for him to want her back.
For months she yearned for him and prayed that he would come back. That what they decided to do was all a mistake; they could fix things as long as they talk it all out. If they could try to make it work a second time, and it succeeded, her prayers would be answered. Kagome could not give him up and let him go, and the idea of moving on scared her. This man was her first love, she poured everything into this relationship, gave him everything she could possibly give him, and it had seemed to be that it wasn’t enough.
She blamed herself for everything that went wrong in their relationship. It was her fault they broke up, it was her fault he left her, it was her fault he could not look at her without him getting mad. She began to wonder if waiting for him was worth all of the pain he was putting her through, but each time her brain would lose to her heart.
It was once she found out what her true place was in his life that she officially cut off communication from him. She had never been as important to him as he was for her, and finding out the truth was the straw that broke the camel's back.
This had felt like the official break up from the man she loved the most. A broken and battered girl lying lifeless on a bed of broken glass, her blood trickling down to the floor as each shared cut skin that was once pure. Her organs burned for a second chance of life as they cracked and crumbled inside of her body. Her heart was dry and shriveled and yet the pain it felt of what he had done to her continued to spread throughout her body. To love someone so much they are able to kill you while being alive was not a fair price for falling in love.
The consequences of giving someone her heart and watching them crush it with his bare hands was not worth this. Her appetite reduced to almost nothing, as she had to force her body to accept food and water. Everyday tasks were mundane and difficult because staying in bed beneath the covers that were her new safety and security was better than getting out of it. Memories of him and their love burned into her brain and left bruises on her skin. She wanted to scream until her voice went hoarse and cracked when she spoke. Everything felt like it had been a lie, every word he said now stung like salt on fresh cuts and she struggled to believe them.
Kagome began to question herself, her value, and her worth. He had loved her once, so how could she become someone he loved to someone he could use and throw away? She loved him with every single piece of her body and soul, she gave him everything she possibly could, and none of it felt like it was enough. Was her love not enough for him, was she not enough for him? Did she become repulsive and only useful for lustful thoughts? Was her worth only definable by what she was in bed? Did her feelings not matter to him anymore? Was she not important anymore? Is she important at all?
He haunted her for a long time and sometimes his ghost still lingers on days where her heart remembers all of the pain she felt that day. Her ex was someone important to her once upon a time, and she would have given up everything just for him. Although as time continued forward, and she had no choice but to walk alongside it, she felt his presence fade with each step. The heaviness of her heart was quickly becoming lighter, and her organs were coming back to life again. There were still days where she cried over what they were and the man he was when they met, but those moments came and went until they stopped altogether.
As time passed, the things she used to do started to become easier. Everyday chores, getting out of bed and going to work turned less dreadful. She started dressing up and going out again with her friends and family because she wanted to feel good about herself. Songs and movies that were once untouchable became easier to listen to and watch, and instead of crying when they finished she sang and laughed along to them. Kagome was not noticing her progress, since she was getting busier and busier with daily tasks, but these small victories were happening more and more.
Today has been a day like any other, where Kagome went to work and completed her long to-do list. The crisp air of autumn enveloped her body and caused a shiver to run up her spine. The air was cold and leaves crunched beneath her heavy shoes. The walk home was short, and with the thoughts of work and the holidays on her mind, she had failed to notice the little shop she was treading past.
When the realization hit her she was expecting the same twist of her heart and the air to leave her lungs as it had before. Yet this time nothing like that came, and what she felt was peace and indifference. The ice cream shop that stood in the same place as it had four years ago did not break her heart like it had before. Now it was just a place where she held memories of a time where she loved and a time where she lost. Kagome released a breath she did not know she was holding while her eyes continued to watch people come in and out of the store.
Her legs moved before she could process what was happening and they made their way towards the shop. It had been a little over a year since she had come here because the pain of all of the memories she made with him here was much too strong for her to bear.
Yet, as she greeted the owners who she had not seen in months and picked out her favorite flavors, none of the hurt she expected to feel came. Instead, her laughter filled the small shop as she caught up with the elderly couple and laughed at the old man’s jokes. Her heart is now full of happiness and joy with a waffle cone of cookie dough ice cream in her gloved hand.
She finished her ice cream on the remaining walk home feeling absolute contentment from her visit to the ice cream shop. Kagome removed her boots and gloves, her heavy coat, and warm hat and made her way to the bathroom. In the reflection of her mirror was her floating cloud, hovering above her like it has been for over a year. White and fluffy and too high for her to touch to take it down.
She turned on the water and waited patiently for it to warm up, knowing good and well that it takes a few minutes when the weather outside is much colder than it is in her home. She paid no mind to the random drops of water that landed on her arms because her mind had gone back to thinking about work and the holidays.
It was not until she went to go check the temperature of her shower that she noticed her soaked sleeves. The grey color of her sweater was not dark, and it clung to her body with a thick layer of water. It was not only her sleeves, but her hair and the rest of her body were wet as well.
Quickly looking at her reflection in the mirror she could see her white fluff cloud was now grey, and the raindrops coming from it only falling onto her. Kagome was soaked in cold water that cleansed her body like it was a baptism. Her lungs felt like they could breathe for the first time in months, and her heart felt full and brand new. Her shoulders were light, and this heavy feeling of sadness and dread had disappeared suddenly.
Kagome looked into her reflection and laughed out of pure joy and bliss. She danced in the rain from underneath her cloud, the water that once drowned within her lungs now falling onto her feet. Fresh air and a beautiful beating heart that was ready to take on the world now were the only pieces of her that made her feel whole again. She was free to love, free to be herself, free to laugh and not have guilt lingering behind her.
Kagome was clean.