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Both Carina and Miranda have the same day off and they both head over to the station to spend time with their respective spouses. They have silently been supporting each other without even realizing what they are doing. Whether it’s Carina bringing Miranda a cup of coffee and giving her a knowing smile or Miranda letting Carina leave early to go home and spend time with Maya. They know how quickly things can go downhill during a call. Ever since Dean died the prospect of the same thing happening to Ben or Maya became very real to both women.
There is a group chat with all the spouses of people from Station 19. The group chat has been either very somber or non-existent for the past month since everything happened. None of them really know what to say, a lot of it is asking how everyone’s spouse is handling what happened. Turns out most firefighters are the same, none of them really want to talk about it.
Since Miranda and Carina see each other at the hospital most days they talk to each other more than anyone else. They don’t explicitly talk about what happened, they mainly make small talk but that seems to be helping.
They eat lunch together most days without even realizing it, they have somehow made a pact without even meaning to, promising that they will be there for each other. Both women have found a lot of solace in knowing that they weren’t alone in the terror of being married to a firefighter.
After the explosion, the other doctors at the hospital noticed how tense the two were and try to help and be there for them but it never helped. Carina and Miranda tend to stick together when it’s necessary. It was an odd friendship pairing but it seems to work for both of them.
Carina got to the station a few minutes before Miranda, she smiles seeing that they both have the same thought. They walk up to the Beanery together in silence, they are there for less than five minutes before the klaxons sound and the whole team runs out.
Both women sigh and sit down across the table from each other. Considering they both have the day off they figure they might as well wait for a few hours for their respective spouses until they can’t wait any longer and end up going home if the call runs long.
Carina isn’t sure about Miranda but she hates being home alone these days without Maya. The apartment is way too quiet without her. She doesn’t want to admit this to her either but she’s been having panic attacks about the thought of losing her. The thought of her never coming home is something she doesn’t want to ever have to think about.
They used to have a rule right after they got married that every time Maya left for a shift they would always say “I love you”, even if they were fighting. But over the last few months, they fell out of the habit without meaning to. After Dean died Carina made sure that they started saying it again, it’s been bordering on obsessive.
“I have said this many times but I don’t know why I continue coming here. I swear every time I do they leave on a call a few minutes later,” Carina says shaking her head with a little chuckle.
Bailey nods her head and smiles as well, agreeing with Carina, “I understand. Every time I’m here it’s the same way.”
Carina watches her boss and sees that she seems more tense than normal. She guesses it’s because she has a two-year-old running around but there seems to be something else. She holds herself differently than she normally does like she’s always on high alert.
“How are things with Pru? Is she adjusting well?” Carina figures it’s a safe topic to start with, she’s seen the little girl more than a few mornings with Miranda. Carina can’t help it but it makes her want a little Bambini of her own even more than before.
“She’s doing as well as you would expect after a child that young loses a parent. She is acting out a little and keeps looking around and saying daddy. It makes mourning Miller’s death even more difficult watching her go through it as well.” Miranda says picking at something on the table.
Carina nods and looks down at her hands, she can only imagine how hard this is for them to add Pru to the mix while mourning. She and Maya have babysat Pru a few times since to give them a break. She’s been able to see firsthand how the little Bambina is handling the loss, it breaks her heart watching her.
“How are you handling it? I didn’t know Dean all that well but it’s has been hard, I have a hard time coming here knowing he isn’t here. He was always incredibly sweet to me whenever I would come here. It also makes it even more real, that at any can they can just…” Carina can’t even finish the thought. She’s been having nightmares about the exact situation. It’s slowed down over the past few weeks, it now only happens when Maya isn’t there. When Carina wakes up and doesn’t see Maya next to her it almost makes it worse. Makes it feel like she is actually gone and that she isn’t coming home to her.
Carina’s been trying to work up the courage to tell Maya what has her on edge but every time she thinks she can she loses her nerve. She doesn’t want Maya to be worried about her whenever she is on shift. She wants Maya to be focused so that she will come home to her at the end of the day.
“Maya has been really quiet ever since, she shares how she is feeling but I can tell that she’s hurting more than she wants to say.”
Carina has been patient and waiting for Maya to confide in her but it’s slow-moving. She hasn’t pushed her, she knows that when Andrea died Maya let her have all the time that she needed. Carina is trying to do the same for Maya knowing that she will come to her when she can and needs to. She just worries about how she is handling everything on her own.
“It’s been hard, knowing that Pru is going to grow up only hearing stories about him. Knowing that he isn’t going to watch her grow up, it’s hard knowing he isn’t going to be here for any of that.” Miranda says and sighs she has been spending most of her time taking care of Pru and focusing on helping Ben through the grieving process that she hasn’t even touched how she’s been handling it.
“That’s not what I asked,” Carina says staring across the table at her boss. She can see that she is trying to avoid the topic of saying how she is feeling. “I asked how you are handling things. It can’t be easy taking care of everyone else when you also need to grieve yourself.”
Miranda looks across the table at Carina knowing that she is trying to get her to share how she is feeling. She is the first person to actually ask her how she is doing after everything that has happened. Miranda doesn’t blame her husband for not asking, she knows that he is really having a hard time. She just wishes that she didn’t have to hold everything inside, she is on the verge of breaking. Carina asking her how she is doing is opening the floodgates of everything that she has been bottling up for the past month.
“I haven’t really been dealing with it at all, I have been putting everything to the side helping Ben navigate how he is feeling. Add on top of that taking care of Pru and working I haven’t given myself much time to feel anything.” Miranda says letting a few tears drip down her face. In any other circumstance, she wouldn’t let one of the doctors see her cry but she knows that this is a different situation. They aren’t at the hospital and at the moment she is just talking to a friend and nothing else.
“You are actually the first person to ask me how I am doing. Ben has been so caught up in dealing with his feelings that I don’t think that it ever occurred to him to ask. I wasn’t that close with Miller but I did have a friendship with him and it’s hard knowing that I won’t ever see him again. I don’t blame Ben in any way for not asking because I don’t think he knows that I am also missing him too. I haven’t wanted to bother him with this because he has his own grief to deal with, I don’t want him to worry about me too.” Miranda admits.
She finally takes a deep breath for the first time in a month, it feels amazing to just get all of this off of her chest. To tell something how she is feeling, to admit that she isn’t doing as okay as she is telling everyone that she is. There has been this silent friendship between her and Carina and she has to admit that she is incredibly grateful that she has her. That she has someone who understands firsthand how she is feeling.
Carina’s heart breaks hearing everything that Miranda is telling her, she sees the turmoil on her face and wishes that there is a way that she can help her. She gets the feeling though that just sitting here and listening is helping her more than anything. Carina is glad that Bailey trusts her enough to tell her all of this, she deserves to have someone who will be there for her.
“I understand how you’re feeling, I wasn’t very close with Dean but I am still grieving a little as well. I haven’t shared any of that with Maya because I know that he was like a brother to her. I don’t want to burden her with any of this when she is going through this ten times worse than I am. Even if you aren’t talking to Ben about it, talking about it and sharing it in general helps.” Carina says hoping that she is helping.
Bailey nods and looks down at her hands knowing that Carina is correct and that she doesn’t have to share it with Ben. As long as she talks about it with someone that’s what matters and then she can tell him later on when things get a little less heavy.
“It also is a lot harder watching him leave the house for a shift knowing what could happen on every call that they go on. I knew that it was a dangerous job once he chose to do this but I don’t think it became real until I saw Dean being pulled out of that ambulance. I am terrified every time I see something on the news about a big fire wondering whether or not he’s there. I let my mind go to the worst places about every scenario that could possibly happen on every call. It is a lot more real that he might not make it home.” Miranda looks up at Carina and sees her staring at the table as she plays with the necklace that hangs from her neck with a gold ring on it. Miranda knows that it’s Maya’s ring because she has asked her previously.
Miranda has noticed over the past month that she has begun playing with it out of a nervous habit. She stares off into space and plays with it until someone breaks her out of the spell. She knows that she is imagining the same thing that she was a few moments ago, imagining Bishop not making it home either.
“I have been having nightmares about Maya not making it home. I had a nightmare the other night that I was waiting in the ambulance bay for a trauma and that the ambulance pulls up and they pull Maya out of it. They say that she’s DOA and then I wake up gasping for air not being able to get any into my lungs. Then I reach for Maya in bed to make sure that it was just a dream and she’s not laying next to me because she’s on shift. But for a minute I think that it’s real and I start to uncontrollably cry and have a panic attack before I remember that she is here at the firehouse. Sometimes I call her just to hear her voice to double-check that it was just a dream and not reality because I know that most of the time she can barely sleep on shift,” Carina admits.
“I haven’t shared that with anyone, not even Maya. They only ever happen when she is on shift because she isn’t there for me to feel, there isn’t the reassurance that she is still alive. I know that I should tell her but I don’t need her worrying about me every time she leaves. I need her to focus on her doing her job and coming home to me at the end of every day,” Carina wipes away the few tears that have run down her cheeks. She hates that she is feeling this but she knows that it isn’t irrational, it’s part of the burden of being married to a first responder.
Now it’s Miranda’s turn for her heart to break, she sees the turmoil on her face and sees how hard this is hitting her as well just in a different way. She reaches out her hand across the table and grabs Carina’s hand that’s laying on the table and gives it a squeeze. Carina looks up at the squeeze and gives her a small smile appreciating the small gesture telling her that she understands and that she hears her.
“Looks like both of us have some things to share with our respective spouses,” Miranda says joking and it makes both women laugh which is welcome after their heavy conversation.
“Looks like we do...I didn’t eat anything before coming here and I am starving.” Carina says getting up and looking in the fridges needing a distraction from her impending anxious thoughts.
She finds some things that she can throw together to make some pasta and decides that she might as well considering she doesn’t have anything else to do.
“Want some help?” Bailey asks getting up and walking over to them Italian also needing a distraction.
“Sure, start chopping,” Carina says handing her some tomatoes and onions smiling not used to bossing Bailey around.
“Yes, chef,” Miranda says making both women chuckle. “If you tell anyone about this I will put you on ER duty for a month.” Bailey threatens making Carina laugh.
“You got it chief,” Carina says saluting her as they get to cooking.
A few hours later just as the two women finish cooking they all get back from their call and walk into the Beanery. Both women look over at them seeing if they can find their spouses in the lot of firefighters. Once they both do they smile to themselves and go back to finishing the meal.
“That smells amazing, what are you making?” Maya asks coming up to her wife and kissing her on the cheek setting her hand on Carina’s waist while looking inside the pot.
Carina leans into the kiss and scrunches up her face and shooing Maya away. “You smell like smoke Bambina.”
Maya smiles and chuckles, she knows that Carina hates the smell of smoke on Maya. She learned that very early on in their relationship and almost always takes an extra long shower after every shift.
“Well you are going to have to deal with it for the time being because I am starving, I barely ate breakfast this morning,” Maya says giving Carina another kiss on the cheek. Carina doesn’t complain about the extra kiss, Maya normally isn’t a fan of PDA and Carina respects it but if Maya is offering she isn’t going to complain or say no.
“Alright we get it, Bishop, you are in love with your wife but could you please let her finish making that delicious smelling pasta, we are all starving here,” Vic says leaning against the counter.
Carina chuckles and sees that Miranda has set out all of the bowls and the pasta is ready so she moves back and lets all of them get some. Maya grabs a bowl for her and she smiles taking the bowl from her and they all sit down around the table.
“Carina you need to come around more because I don’t think I have ever had food this good here,” Ben says making them all nod in agreement.
“If you weren’t already married I would marry you in a heartbeat,” Travis says taking another bite.
“We get it Montgomery, you’re straight for my wife. If you keep this up I’ll get you on bathroom duty.” Maya says with an evil smile on her face.
“You can’t do that anymore,” Travis says a little nervous by the look on her face.
“You wanna take the chance?” Maya questions making Carina laugh. She is finding the interaction extremely amusing.
“Sorry Carina,” Travis says reluctantly making Carina chuckle even more.
“Oh don’t say sorry, I take it as a compliment,” Carina says with a smirk and a wink knowing that it is going to rile Maya up. She looks over at her wife and sees her narrowed eyes knowing that her comment did exactly what she intended.
They all move on and start talking about the call that they just came back from. Maya looks over at Carina and watches her for a few moments.
Carina notices and looks back at her a smile on her face, “What?”
“Nothing. What did you and Bailey do while we were on our call?” Maya asks.
“Nothing much just caught up on hospital gossip and then we made lunch,” Carina answers calmly. She still isn’t ready to talk about it yet and she isn’t going to out Bailey, so she settles for telling a little white lie.
“Okay.” Maya smiles and kisses her temple before going back to the group and joins in on the discussion. She knows that something is bothering Carina but she also knows that she will talk to her when she’s ready. She trusts her wife and trusts that she will share whenever she is able.
Carina and Miranda look at each other sharing a small smile as they listen in on the recount of the call and ask questions when they don’t understand something. Sometimes hearing them talk through a simple and normal call helps them to understand that sometimes, their calls aren’t so dangerous and terrifying.