Chapter Text
“Jun! Can you focus on our discussion?” Seungcheol frowned, annoyance dripping from his words. Junhui shook himself awake as he jumped in alarm, staring up at the leader. It was only then did he realise that 12 pairs of eyes were staring at him. Junhui mutters a soft apology before Seungcheol sighs and continues leading their discussion about their upcoming Japanese comeback. A few glances were thrown his way, but the Chinese member kept his gaze on the leader, hoping not to anger him further.
“Alright, let’s try to get an early night,” Seungcheol finally wrapped up his talk after an hour, shepherding the members out of the building and into the waiting van. Junhui followed silently behind, easily catching the key that Jeonghan flung to him. Closing the door gently behind him, he slipped the key into the keyhole, twisting it a few times to ensure that the door was securely locked. Cheering when he finally managed to lock the stubborn door, he turned on his heel only to find the hallway devoid of life.
Did the members leave without you?
Junhui ran to the nearest window, watching helplessly as his group’s van drove out of the company. Resigning himself to fate, he tossed on his hoodie and adjusted the strap of his bag as he walked into the cool midnight air.
You’re just an additional burden to them, that’s why they forgot about you.
The lights of their home were already off by the time Junhui slipped in silently at 2a.m. Shaking his head slightly, he removed his shoes, putting them away as quietly as he could. He didn’t want to disturb the other members’ sleep time, not when it was already very limited given that their comeback was approaching. Sighing, he shoved his bag away to its usual spot before heading to the bathroom.
The grasps of sleep were unreachable that night as thoughts continued to swirl around Junhui’s mind. He tossed and turned in bed, until he heard someone, likely to be Jihoon who was occupying the room next to his, shifting around in his bed. Freezing in place, he waited until Jihoon continued snoring softly before climbing out of bed, and padding to the living room. Curling into a ball on the couch, he watched as the illuminated clock strikes three, then four. Finally accepting the fact that he would be suffering from a sleepless night, he pushed himself off the couch, changing into a new hoodie and sweatpants and grabbing his bag before walking towards the entertainment building.
Humming as he sets up the speakers, Junhui pouted slightly when he noticed the black panda rings around his eyes. The makeup artists would be sure to notice those later when they were trying out their fits for the upcoming comeback, and honestly? Junhui wasn’t ready for rounds of scolding, first from the noonas for having the circles, then from his leader for not sleeping enough. He huffed as he rummaged through his bag for his concealer. Having a concealer in his bag was always good for hiding these dark circles, especially when Junhui suffered from bouts of insomnia, and he thanked his lucky stars that he had remembered to stuff it into his bag before leaving. Applying a thin layer of concealer on, thick enough to cover most of the eyebags, but thin enough to not be discovered that easily, he frowned.
Visual? More like the ugliest member of the group!
The words that spilled out of a Carat’s lips replayed in his head over and over again. He remembered merely smiling gently at the fan, never raising the matter up with anyone, not when the fan was right. Despite being labelled as the one of the unofficial visuals of the 13-member group, it was never Junhui who stood out in terms of looks. As he examined himself in the mirror, internally screaming at all his flaws, he found himself wondering why Pledis scouted him. He wasn’t the only Chinese member, they had Minghao, and before that, MingMing. He didn’t have any special personal talents, not when Minghao could do martial arts just as well as him, if not better. He wasn’t the only member who could play the piano, Jihoon, as their group’s official producer, could play the instrument much better. He wasn’t the best in choreography, no, Soonyoung had that position. So why did Pledis street-scout him?
You’re useless, you can’t even contribute anything to this group, you’re just pulling them down-
“We thought you left us!” Soonyoung yelled as he bounded into the practice room, with the other members dragging themselves behind him. “Really, Junhui, you should have at least let us know that you were already here,” Seungcheol reprimanded, with a frown on his face. Junhui lowered his head in shame as he threw his concealer into his bag, apologising rapidly to the members for making them panic.
They don’t care about you. They didn’t even know that they left without you last night.
Stop pretending.
“Enough chit-chat! Dino and Hoshi, you’re up for fittings first!” their main stylist barked the moment he stepped into the styling room, slamming the door shut behind him. Junhui fell into one of the seats by the side, watching as Soonyoung and Chan tried on multiple outfits, each one looking better than the previous.
You’re just ugly, that’s why none of the fits look good on you. You need to lose more weight, maybe you should visit the gym after this, and you’ll definitely not eat lunch and dinner today.
He listened as the members ooh-ed and ahh-ed at Chan’s and Hoshi’s outfits, cooing when they appeared in bright and bubbly colours, and wowing at the dark and sexy colours. The two of them then sat in front of the makeup mirrors, watching as the noonas applied makeup on their faces, When they turned around, showcasing their final outfit (a black-themed one), with their faces filled with smoky makeup, the members applauded, cheering them on and laughing when the two of them blushed slightly. After undergoing final checks by the main stylist and given the approval, they removed their outfits and tossed their casual sweatshirts and pants on, before taking a seat next to the members.
“Minghao and Junhui, you’re up!” the stylist called and Junhui peeled himself off the seat along with Minghao, heading for the curtains with the stylists. His stylist passed him a simple grey shirt, a black blazer with multicoloured ties sewn on the right, a pair of white pants and a pair of white sneakers. From what the stylist had said earlier, this was probably the fit for Mansae, which was to be performed during their comeback show. Shrugging, he pulled off his hoodie and sweatpants before slipping into the clothes. Looking at himself in the mirror, he sighed.
Just as expected, you look horrible as usual.
Giving himself a last glance in the mirror, he swiped the blazer on the table and pulled it on, walking out from behind the curtains before he could convince himself that he shouldn’t even let the members see him in these. Looking to the side, he found Minghao walking out at the same time, looking fabulous in a long-sleeved grey shirt accompanied with a white short-sleeved shirt on top, pairing it with a pair of white pants. Then again, it was Minghao, no matter what he was wearing, he could make it look good. Unlike Junhui.
“Wow, Minghao!” Mingyu.
“You look cool, dude!” Hansol.
Junhui turned to his stylist, waiting for her comments. She scanned him up and down once, before nodding her head, reaching for the next set of clothes. This time, it was a grey and yellow sleeveless shirt, with a pair of black pants which had a yellow horizontal stripe near the bottom. Junhui pursed his lips as he took the set of clothes from his stylist. If he wasn’t the most confident in himself wearing a long-sleeved shirt, he definitely wasn’t confident in wearing a sleeveless shirt, which would expose his arms to everyone.
Junhui ran towards the same curtains and hurriedly changed, not wanting to hold the rest back. Staring at his reflection in the mirror, he poked his arms in dismay. He wasn’t like Seungcheol and Mingyu who had muscular arms, able to pull off such looks.
You’re definitely visiting the gym later.
Covering his face with his hands, he walked out shakily towards his stylist. The room was mostly quiet, devoid of the cheers from the other members. Minghao was still changing into his second set of clothes, and the members were all conversing among themselves. Junhui felt his heart sink ever so slightly, but a smile remained on his lips when he arrived in front of his stylist. She couldn’t know about his problems, and he had to appear confident about himself. His stylist, however, frowned slightly, glancing towards the members.
“Hmm…”
She’s going to say you look horrible, isn’t she?
The stylist cleared her throat, reaching for a black and white bandana on the table, which was apparently supposed to come with the outfit. She tied it on his left arm and leaned back, surveying the 6’0 boy. Nodding with a slight smile, she grabbed the third outfit, this time a white shirt, grey blazer and a pair of black pants. “It’s for MCountdown, Left and Right stage.”
Junhui smiled back at his stylist before hurrying back to the curtains. Pulling off the previous outfit, he tossed on the new outfit, turning to look at the mirror once again.
Well, you don’t look that bad...right? Jokes on you, there’s not a single time that you look good.
Sighing, he followed the familiar route towards his stylist, listening to his members’ cheers for Minghao, who had just stepped out of his curtains in his second outfit.
As usual, the stylist surveyed him once before giving him a nod, handing him yet another set of clothes. The procedure repeated itself multiple times, with Junhui being handed another 2 or 3 sleeveless shirts to worry about. Finally, his stylist smiles up at him, passing him his last set of outfits to try. “Good job Junhui, here’s the final set of clothes, it’s for Hit stage on the comeback show, it’s slightly different from your usual style but I think it’ll suit you well.” He nods reassuringly at the stylist, taking the set of clothes and turning around promptly to head towards the changing room again.
Covering himself with the curtains, he unfolded the outfit. A half long-sleeve and half sleeveless black shirt, a pair of leather pants and a pair of black boots. Junhui stared at the shirt in horror, he was never one to experiment with such styles. Pursing his lips, he dragged the clothes on slowly, cringing at himself in the mirror.
A mess, that’s what you are.
Scrunching up his forehead, he emerged from the curtains, hiding his face slightly with his hands. “Don’t cover your face up, you look good Junhui-ah, you look good,” the stylist pulls his hands gently.
She’s just saying that to make you feel better, she doesn’t actually think you look good in this.
He allowed his stylist to adjust the fit, all the while staring into the wall behind. Humming as she checked the details of the shirt, the stylist nodded, signalling her approval. Just as Junhui was about to turn to change back into his own sweatshirt, the stylist stopped him.
“Can I talk to you outside for a bit?”
A pause.
“Okay.”
He lowered his head as he followed the stylist out of the styling room, refusing to meet his members’ gaze.
“Did something happen, Junhui? Are the members angry at you for any reason?” the stylist’s concerned voice shook him out of his stupor.
So you’re not the only one who thinks the members are angry at you.
“No, everything’s fine noona,” Junhui replied, a weak smile appearing on his face. His stylist didn’t seem to believe his lies but she nodded, reassuring him that he could always talk to her if needed before turning around and walking back into the styling room.
The smile slid off his face as soon as she turned around. Changing hurriedly back into his sweatshirt, he stuffed his hands into his pockets as he headed for the washroom. Locking the door behind him, Junhui crumpled to the floor, curling in on himself.
Seventeen hates you.
You should just leave the group.
You’re nothing but a burden.
“Junhui? Are you in there? Are you alright?” Minghao’s voice was filled with concern as he knocked on the door.
Minghao doesn’t actually care about you.
“I’m fine.”
He pulls open the door, stepping past Minghao without so much as a glance at his fellow Chinese member and heading back to the styling room. The members all looked up at his arrival, Seungcheol sending him a questioning look. Junhui merely shook his head and fell back into his original seat, away from the others.
“Okay! We’re done with today’s styling, good job!” the main stylist clapped, dismissing the members for lunch.
“I want pizza!”
“We just had pizza yesterday.”
“Ramen then!”
Junhui watched as the members trooped towards the lift, heading for the nearby Japanese restaurant. Letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, he turned sharply on his heel.
“Are you not coming?” Seungcheol.
“I’m not hungry, hyung.”
Seungcheol sighed, patting Junhui on the back while the younger boy merely stared at him blankly, before spinning around and heading in the direction of the gym. The leader could only frown as the Chinese boy walked away, turning around the corner. Sighing, he hurried after the members who were eagerly waiting for him at the lobby.
“Where’s Junnie?” Jeonghan asked, tilting his head slightly when Seungcheol emerged from the lift alone. “He said he wasn’t hungry…” he trails off.
“What do you mean he’s not hungry? He has never turned down a single invitation to have lunch together, and he suddenly claims he’s not hungry? I don’t care, I’m going to drag him down myself if I have to,” Jeonghan huffed, storming in the direction of the lift before Joshua pulled him back.
“I think he just needs some time alone. Correct me if I’m wrong, but he barely spoke today and he’s definitely not in his usual state of mind right now,” Joshua murmured, tugging the other two 95’liners hands as they followed the excited members to their frequented restaurant.
“Fine, but we’re getting some take-out for him at least,” Jeonghan left no room for argument as he allowed Joshua to pull him along. Seungcheol could only nod wordlessly when the members greeted the owners boisterously, taking their places in their usual seats.
“Oh? Is there a member missing today?” one of the friendly owners asked curiously, glancing at the empty seat. “Junhui said that he isn’t hungry today but could you prepare some takeout for him?” Seungcheol replied, watching as the owner’s face crumpled into a frown as she nodded, “that boy’s too skinny for his own good, I’ll make sure to pack extra for him, how about the rest of you?” Calls of their respective orders filled the shop before she retreated into the kitchen to prepare their dishes.
“How many wins do you think we’ll get this comeback?” Seungkwan shouted from where he was seated next to Jihoon, who immediately covered the younger boy’s mouth to prevent him from being too loud. The remaining 10 boys laughed as they caught sight of Seungkwan’s mock offended expression before he tugged the older boy’s hand away from his mouth. “I just want to perform in front of Carats again, I miss hearing their fanchants,” Seungcheol said quietly, causing everyone to nod in silence. The silence wasn’t long, for Soonyoung had immediately started rapping their Getting Closer fanchant, causing Wonwoo to groan with a fond smile on his face.
Choi Seungcheol, Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo, Moon Junhui, Kwon Soonyoung, Jeon Wonwoo, Lee Jihoon, Seo Myungho, Kim Mingyu, Lee Seokmin, Boo Seungkwan, Chwe Hansol, Lee Chan, Seventeen!
That was how the fanchant was supposed to go. Right?
Wrong, you don’t deserve to be a member of Seventeen. You never did.
Junhui slowed the treadmill to a walking pace as he caught his breath after a twenty-minute run. Sweat dripped down his forehead as he finally stepped out of the treadmill, grabbed his water bottle and fell into one of the seats at the cooling station. Gulping down the cold water, he turned his head to look out of the window, taking in the beautiful sight of Seoul. The gym in Hybe’s building was larger than their original one, with floor-to-ceiling windows, allowing him to admire the tall buildings surrounding their own.
“Oh Junhui, you’re back! We brought some food for you, come and have your lunch!” Joshua called once the younger boy stepped into the room, causing the latter to widen his eyes in shock. Jihoon shoved his food into his hands while fiddling with his phone. Junhui frowned at the packet in his hands as he walked out of the practice room.
There’s no way you can eat this, you still have to lose weight.
Throwing it into a nearby bin, he sat himself down at one of the couches in the lounge, not eager to return to the practice room before their choreographer arrived for their afternoon practice. By the time Junhui slipped back into the room, the choreographer was plugging his phone into the speaker. Allowing his body to follow the choreography he practiced for hours the previous day, he stared at his members through the mirror, marvelling at how they pulled off the moves flawlessly while he, as a member of the performance team, failed to match up to their standards.
“Jun, you have to pay more attention to your facial expressions.”
“Jun, you must make your moves sharper when you’re at the centre.”
“Jun, you must tilt your hand more towards the right, otherwise you would be damaging the synchronisation.”
Junhui didn’t know how he managed to pull through the gruelling six-hour practice with a mere four water breaks, before the choreographer finally left the room leaving behind a single remark, “you should practice more.”
He pretended not to see Chan’s and Hansol’s pitiful glances as he turned away from the members, waiting for them to leave the practice room. “Don’t come home too late,” were the last words Seungcheol left before the door closed behind him.
Home? Is it really home?