Chapter Text
Jang Gyeoul walking alone in the open garden with a cup of ice latte in her right hands and a bunch of cookies in the bag from the cafe in her left hand, her steps lead her to one of the benches in the middle of the garden which already occupied by her fellow resident who is now talking and laughing together for their lunch break time. Enjoying their precious little free time before continuing their hectic activity in the hospital.
She greeted All of them with her usual calm voice which she received back by an excessive greeting from her friends who are excited to see her again after a long time not joining this little meeting and she can’t help but actually feels apologetic for indirectly neglecting them, her hectic schedule seriously takes her time.
Especially with her entering the fourth year of residency following with a lot of professors who give their permission for her becoming the lead surgeon for the procedure, it’s consuming more of her time because she needs more study.
In the middle of the chaos her friend made after she came, Ahn Chi Hong gave her a signal to sit beside him which she responded with a nod and let herself sit on his right side. She stretched her hand to the air in front of her friend to give the bag of cookie she brought earlier and Im Changmin immediately snatches the bag. Manipulated the cookies for himself, and bring a bunch of protest from the rest of the group
Ahn Chi Hong and Jang Gyeo Ul just laugh their heads off looking at the scene. He then shifts his body to look at her and starts to have a little discussion only with her, sharing the burden they have in the earlier stage of fourth-year residents with more workloads than what they have a year before.
They also jokingly talk about Yong Seok Min’s day when he looks like a zombie in the first month of his fourth year.
Both of them literally let themself drown in their own world. Ignoring the rest of the group who are now gossiping about what happens in the hospital.
Gyeoul will not lie, she always likes the time she spends talking with Chihong. Not in a romantic way, but in a way good friends spending their time together. For her, he is a good talker, and talking with him always gives her new insight and helps her to refreshes from every dark cloud in her mind.
And out of the blue something snaps her mind, is there something wrong if we talk in a romantic way? Flirting and end up falling with each other. It’s not like someone will come, furious, and take her away like the thing that always happens in the drama. She is allowed to fall with anyone and always open to any opportunity. Adding up the fact that Chihong is a good and smart guy should be a plus point for her to easily falling with him.
and yes, everything is supposed to be easy. If only someone doesn’t come, occupy her whole mind and soul, and leave as if nothing happens.
Inside her mind, She laughs sarcastically. Even if he isn't leaving and chooses to stay, nothing will change in her favor. There isn't any possibility for him coming to her, embrace, and beg her for staying beside him.
It is mere imagination and she isn’t allowed herself for having it
She comes back to her senses when Chihong’s phone rings. A call from the ER interrupts his time too fast from his prediction. He sighs at the thought he needs to say goodbye to his leisure time, getting up and force himself to bid goodbye to all of them. Also, not forget to give her a little bit of pat on her head. A habit he always does every time he says goodbye to her.
Following Chihong, one by one of her friends left the garden while she remained alone there. She tries to absorb the quiet moment she never has for the past two months, while sips her remaining ice latte slowly, savoring the taste of it since she can predict it may be the last coffee she drinks for today.
This is the first time after two months she let herself alone. She admits exhaust herself so she will immediately sleep after comeback home. She tries to do anything in order to distract her from every thought that might come up in her mind, and moved from one place to another just because she can’t let herself stay in one place, silently admitting there is a lot of traces he left in every corner of the hospital and that's turning this place into hell just for her.
Especially in this exact place she sits and the one benches in front of her.
The Benches that reminded her back to the time she successfully did her first surgery, and he, out of the blue come to her and asked for a cup of coffee together.
It’s crazy how she remembers every little detail of him that day. How his left hand held a glass of coffee that he swirled it once in a while like when he holds a glass of wine, The distance he put when he sat somehow look like near for her, his gesture that softened for the first time since she knows him after a long of the cold shoulder he gives to her, a wide smiles that somehow always on his face on that day as if he only reserved it for her, little giggles and compliment he gives for her every time she asked if she is good enough, and the way his eyes half-closed following his smile that came out while staring at her softly.
She remembers all of it and she hates it. She furrowed her brow, what is she gains from remembering all of it actually? Nothing.
Gyeoul shakes his head and blinks her eyes faster, stopping her mind before the memories come further, and the tears she holds from a long time escapes from her eyes.
This... this is the reason she couldn’t be left alone because she knows very well his power and how fast he can occupy her mind to the fullest.
She stands and pats her white coat from the dirt. Breath out loud and throw the rest of the latte into the trash bin. Walking to any place in this hospital as long as she isn’t staying alone in this open garden.
She will not let him walk over her again, not even for the slightest. Not after she puts all of her energy and her mind to completely forget and move from him completely.
Because she is very much aware that even if she wants to, everything is useless now.
Assisting her professor in an operation or when they do the outpatients, lead the operation, juggling between checking her patient, treating emergency patients, and studying for her thesis is the thing she must do in the hospital and Gyeoul already gets used to it. And the fact that she is already in her fourth-year resident gives her a more workload on her plates and gives her no choice but to skip her meals.
Like what she does now, going into a transplant operation of 9 hours and continuing until it's almost midnight and past dinner time, make her stomach grumble in protest to give her the food that she deserves now.
She grumbles inside his mind. She should have eaten some snacks or eat the earlier dinner before joining the operation.
She keeps her concentration to suction the excessive blood that comes out, clear the area so her professor can see well, while she is trying to ignoring her stomach that starts to ache.
The only thing she hopes right doesn't happen right now, there isn't any sound come out loud from her stomach like the last time she does, or else it will be so embarrassing.
And she knows very well God never favored her since He never granted her wish because right after she wishes for the sound doesn’t come out, it really comes out. Louder than the sound that escaped before.
She apologized to the room for her embarrassing behavior, which receives a little laugh from Prof. Kwon, Prof Lee, and the rest of the nurses.
“Aigu, be patient Jang Gyeo Ul-ssaem. We almost finish here” said Prof Kwon while still keeping his eye on the patient.
“Yes, Prof. my apology beforehand because of my stomach” She bows her head slightly and keeps her concentration on suctioning.
“No problem, it's almost midnight by the way. So let finish it as soon as possible then so you can eat your food properly. Don't worry, I will buy you dinner after this finish” offer prof. Kwon to her and she accepts it with her whole heart. Who doesn’t want free food after all?
Gyeoul knows very well how much her professor adores her and she is always grateful for it. As long as she remembers all of her professors always take turns to buy her food or maybe slips something on her desk. And either it’s just an act to bribe her so she can scrub in on their operation or not, she is still thankful for it.
But come to think of it, now she remembers clearly there is only one professor who hasn't bought food for her. He promised her before if the patient is recovered yet she still has not seen his good intention to buy her food.
And he is now gone, either it’s for a year or forever, she knows for sure the promise will never get fulfilled.
It’s not like she is becoming that petty girl, who is mad at someone because he is breaking the promise. And it’s also not like she even takes the promise seriously, she knows very well he is just guilty for making her scrub in the operation while she is in a hunger state, and she understands that gesture.
It’s just.. finally she comes to her senses and clearly sees that she is nobody. Someone who doesn’t even have any importance, and he can easily forget if he wants. A breeze in the evening that he isn’t allowed to linger a bit longer.
“Jang Gyeo Ul Sonsaeng? Is that something wrong?” Ask Prof Kwon, which makes her realize she keeps looking down and suctioning without listening to what her professor asks for.
“No, It's fine prof, I'm sorry.”
“I know you are hungry but keep focus, Jang Ssaem. You can close the patient now.”
“Yes, I understood prof, I’m sorry” She said it while giving him a second little bow and hurriedly taking the suture the nurse gave.
She goes back to put all her focus on the patient in front of her. This. Instead of hating him for not buying her food, this is the exact thing she blames him. Making her lose her focus just because of the thought of how important she actually is to him.
And just like him, she should’ve learned to stop and completely ignored him like the evening breeze. She should’ve convinced herself more that he is nobody, and forever will be nobody for her.
After a long consideration while doing the post-op, whether to go and eat with prof. Kwon, or going home right away to drown herself in the bed. The imagination of a soft bed is winning her more than the food, plus the fact his brother told her in the afternoon that he will pick her up out of his worries and cook for her, somehow she thinks it saves her from the necessity to socialize with her professor when she isn't in the mood to. She then politely rejects her professor’s invitation to eat together and doesn't forget to say sorry because she already said yes before.
Here she is now, standing in front of the ER entrance, waiting for her brother to come as he promised to pick her up. The time on her phone tells her that it’s 1 am and that explains why it’s quiet here. She tightened her jacket because the early spring breeze that comes mixed with the remaining cold winter wind adds the chill she should bear while waiting for her brother.
She sighs hard, her brother late by 15 minutes from the promised time because he just woke up and she can’t complain since he was already kind enough to pick her up at midnight.
The fatigue starts to creep and she knows it's getting worse because she can feel her head throbbing from the headache. She closes her eyes, hoping it would help her to get rid of the headache. The quiet surrounding that usually helps her to relax somehow today feels too intense and choking her.
The intensity that brings out her sentiment and her sorrow to the surface.
She trying to distract her mind by looking in any other direction, but it just easily betrays her by wandering back to that day, the day for the first time she decides she will give up on him but the universe seems like making a conspiration to make her meet him and weaken the resolution she made way before that evening.
The cold voice that attempts to talk with her still ringing vividly in her ears, asking her about her earlier departure from the hospital. She can feel his eyes seem intensely look at her from her back when she enters the car, somehow giving her hope that he may not like it if she goes with another man.
And she once again hates it, She hates how he seemingly leads her to notice how he feels. She hates that Lee Ikjun makes her think that he has jealousy for her just because of the damn flower bouquet Ikjun's prepared for the next day, she also hates the fact that his mother approaches her that evening, asking her help for stopping him from going just because she thinks she can see his eyes looking at Gyeoul like she is the most precious things in the world.
But what she hates the most is actually how she believes all of it and acts like a fool to keep liking him despite she knows very well their feelings are never mutual.
How dares she dream of his embrace when the result is always clear enough in front of her face since day one? How dares she beg him to stay, when she knows she doesn't have any right to do anything to stop him from his dream.
And along with the question she asks for herself, the tears she held for a long time finally flowed from her eyes. Not only a little bit but a lot and that makes her frustrated. She bit her lower lips hard to stop her from sobbing to the point she is afraid there will be blood coming from her lips.
She misses him, a lot. She misses him to the point it hurt her heart and she can’t deny it anymore. How dares he leave when he affects her so much right now.
She can feel her body start to tremble from the tears that she already holds for about two months and the more she tried to stop it the more it flowed hard. She really hates it for looking so vulnerable just because of one man that comes for a while in her life.
She quickly covered her crying face with her left hand while looking down when one car came and stopped in front of her. She doesn't want anyone to know because It would be very embarrassing.
But the next thing she can hear is the door of the car open and someone hurried steps to get too close to her.
“Noona, Are you okay? Why do you cry in here?” Ask the voice she recognizes as her brother’s voice. She let down her hand just to look at her brother with her tears still flowing down on her cheek. Let him see the sorrow she has now.
“Why do you cry? Is it something related to the patient or your work?” ask him again, now sounds worried for her. He pulled her closer into his embrace and patted her back slowly.
And like what people said, the patted on someone who cries never helps to reduce the tears instead, she let herself cry harder than before while buried her face on his chest and held him back tight. She let her guard down and be vulnerable in front of his brother who may see her like this for the first time after they grow up.
It took her 10 minutes to finally stop her cry, although her tears are not completely dry. She let the hug go and let him take her wrist and helped her to enter the car. She can’t even look her brother in his eyes when they finally drive to go back home and choose to look outside the window. Gladly he doesn’t ask him for more and just sits quietly driving the car.
She furrows her brows, feels the tinge of hurt inside her body. If only she knew falling in love would be this painful, she will never let herself fall again. Not anymore.
She doesn’t know how to resolve this emotion, and she doesn’t want herself to be drawn on it anymore. She wants to be free from all of it. And if only time is the one who can help her to forget him forever, she is willing to give all her time.
Her train of thought comes to the end when a notification comes to her phone. She wiped her tears with both of her hands and took a deep breath.
And if work is the only thing who can take her time. She will do everything to keep working and distract her mind.
When she is sure she already composes herself, she takes her phone in her pocket and quickly looks at the text message that comes on her phone. But instead of finding a text she wished for, she froze and held her breath upon reading the words that came on her phone which made her received a weird side gaze from her brother.
She closed her eyes tightly, thinking this is a joke but then opened her eyes again to find the message is still there and it’s real. She holds her phone tightly and reads the incomplete message slowly.
‘I miss y-"