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One morning, the Doctor woke to an empty bed. He turned over and instead of wrapping his arm around his wife, he found a note.
“Morning Sweetie. Just popped out for a little expedition, be back in no time, couldn’t sleep and fancied an adventure. X“
And that was the uneventful, disappointing end of it all. 24 years on Darillium, ended in a single note. He had often wondered how it would happen. What would make River leave here, knowing full well that it was their last encounter. It all made sense now. It had been utter fluke. She had never intended for it to be the end.
During their 24 years, they had both been on plenty of adventures, always coming home to each other. That was what having a time machine was all about, wasn’t it? There was always more time. Until there wasn’t. Now, River was gone and she would never come back.
The Doctor wasn’t sure how much time had passed, how many hours he spent, sitting on the bed they had shared for so long, holding her note. Imagining the smile on her face as she had written it, excited for another adventure. Her last adventure. She couldn’t have known that that would be it. He still recalled her enthusiasm as she had met his young self at the Library. She had been so confident, so full of life.
“Bet your life?“ - “Always.“ Until that time when the bet didn’t work out.
The Doctor looked around the bedroom. He would have to leave now, too. He wouldn’t be able to stay, not when every single thing around here reminded him of her. The mirror on the vanity where she would do her makeup. The sofa they would curl up on together, reading books. The view of the Singing Towers in the distance, that they would often look at and listen to.
River always travelled light when she headed out for an adventure. Vortex manipulator, blaster, her diary… those key items were missing and with them, a lot of River was gone already. Her clothes were just clothes, her books were books, even the pieces of art they had hung around the place or her priceless jewellery, they were just items now that held little meaning to the Doctor. He figured he would have to move them into the TARDIS regardless. He couldn’t leave anything here. He wanted to preserve everything that was hers, even as life seemed to have drained out of the space they’d shared.
Perhaps he would have a room for her. Just on the off chance their timestreams crossed again in some weird and wonderful twist of fate. If he kept her room in the TARDIS, he would have a place to go when he missed her.
“You’d find this really funny, wouldn’t you? Something so human about wanting to have a place to come to…“ he mumbled into the emptiness of the room. He recalled the gravestone he had found on Tranzelore with her name on. “I hope you’re not expecting me to dig you a grave 'cause that’s just not happening. You’re not actually dead,“ he added, almost defiantly.
“But I am,“ River’s soft voice answered and the Doctor closed his eyes, wondering if it was her data ghost or merely his imagination that had conjured her up.
“Not really, you’re in the computer,“ he retorted, he didn’t look around for fear of not seeing her, for fear of having confirmation of her absence.
“You never visit,“ River said and it wasn’t accusatory, it was merely a statement of fact.
“I don’t need to,“ he answered. “You’re always here.“
“I would like you to visit…“ she carried on softly and he hung his head, regarding the note in his hand that he was still holding tightly.
“I know…“ He nodded.
“I miss you.“
“I know…“ He felt tears welling up in his eyes.
“It’ll take time.“ He thought he felt a hand on his shoulder.
“I know…“ His voice was thick with tears.
“Is there anything you don’t know?“ River’s voice was almost bemused.
“I don’t know how to make this pain go away,“ he answered, his voice hollow.
“You can’t,“ she gave back gently. “It’ll always be there. But maybe, it won’t be so bad after a while.“ She paused, then carried on when she didn’t get a response. “You need to grieve. You can now, you know. There is no more holding on for a next meeting because there won’t be one.“
“You don’t know that,“ he snapped, his sadness turning to desperation and finally to anger.
“No but… you can’t hold on to this forever. You have to allow yourself to grieve,“ River insisted.
“How do I do that?“ The Doctor asked, wiping tears off his cheeks. “I didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye.“
“Would you have been able to?“ She questioned. “Would you have been able to let me go, knowing I’m going to my death?“
“Of course not…“ He sighed, knowing she was right. River was always right.
“Then it was for the best.“
“Who gets to decide what’s best? Maybe I could have done something, maybe…“ He was trying to reason.
“I broke the universe once already because I couldn’t face losing you. You shouldn’t make my mistakes.“ The Doctor thought he felt her arms wrap around him and he took a deep breath, taking comfort in the embrace or memory thereof.
“I will come and see you… when I’m ready…“ He said after a while, reassuring himself just as much as her.
“I’m looking forward to it, Sweetie.“ He imagined a kiss against his temple.
“Will you still be here?“ The Doctor asked and this time, he looked around and he could see her. River Song, smiling at him, her arms wrapped around him as she perched behind him on the bed.
“I will be here whenever you need me,“ she assured him with a soft smile.
“Not healthy, is it? Speaking to your dead wife…“ He huffed to himself.
“Everyone grieves in their own way,“ she answered and reached out to wipe the tears off his face.
“I miss you so much already,“ the Doctor confessed with a heartbroken smile.
“And I you,“ she answered with equal longing and pain in her eyes.
“Soon, I’ll come see you soon,“ he promised, reaching on to cup her cheek.
“I will be waiting, I’m not going anywhere,“ she chuckled, leaning into his touch.
“I love you. I know I never said it enough,“ his voice broke and she smiled:
“You said it plenty. I love you too.“