Work Text:
The Intro
*Things start out pretty normally for the chapter, although there are some things along the way that make this route different. It all started with something incredibly small at the beginning*
Susie: Uh, what is that?
Is that… a singular grain of salt?
How did you even see that?
*Later on, after Ralsei joins the team, there was another*
Ralsei: Oh, great job, Kris! You found…
Salt?
Susie: Yeah, I dunno either.
R: (Something about it seems… awfully foreboding.)
*There are two more grains to collect, and things are pretty normal while collecting them, at least, until the car segment*
Scene 1: A Wonderful Deal
Queen: Kris we must drive to find Noelle.
Everyone get in the car.
*They start driving as “Amazing Mixtape For Driving To” plays*
Q: Kris press directions to steer.
Q: Kris don’t hit the cars.
*If Kris hits a car*
Q: Haha actually hit the cars.
Q: Not as much traffic as I was expecting today.
You know lighteners always love looking up the traffic I think they like it.
Q: You know I think Noelle would love hitting these cars
Noelle: Uh, actually, I think, uh, I mean-
Q: Stop everything.
Kris get the banana
*If all of the salt has been collected, the banana would be in an odd spot, and there would be a grain of salt on the other side of the road. The car is too slow to get both. If the banana is collected, then things go along as normal, and the route is forfeit. However, if Kris collects the salt*
Q: Haha Kris you fool that was the sodium.
*Things go back to normal for a moment, as there is a traffic jam, and Kris gets out to go press the button, except for some reason, the road past the light is open. But that doesn’t matter right now, what matters is Kris going to meet Spamton. Spamton is digging around in the trash until he notices Kris. When he does he jumps out, and “Salt Salesman” plays*
Spamton: HE-HEY, HEY, EVERY !
IT’S ME! EVERYONE’S FAVORITE [NUMBER 1 RATED SALESMAN 1997]
SP
SPAMTON G. SPAMTON!
AND YOU!
YOU ARE A LIGHTENENENER, AREN’T YOU?
AND YOU ARE HERE, IN THIS [CRUMMY DUMPSTER PILE][ALL ALONE].
WELL NOT FOR LONG, YOU AREN’T!
LISTEN HERE, KID, CAUSE I HAVE A [BIG DEAL] FOR YOU!
I…
NO, I… I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS RIGHT NOW…
MY [KEYS]... I LEFT THEM…
I NEED THEM BACK. PLEASE GOD SOMEONE I NEED HELP.
*Kris can either offer to help or let Spamton continue rambling. Letting him ramble makes things proceed as normal, but offering to help*
S: REALLY? YOU’D BE WILLING TO [HELP FRIENDS TODAY] ME?
EEHEHEHAHAHA, I KNEW YOU WOULD, OLD BUDDY OLD PAL.
NOW LETS [CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE].
*Spamton joins the team as an item. If Kris checks him out in the inventory, it is shown that Lancer is asleep, and using Spamton consumes one Kromer (Or dollar, whatever you prefer to call it)*
Scene 2: Onwards
*Kris and Spamton continue, and the traffic jam is still going on, attempting to interact with the light*
Spamton: KRIS! WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR TRAFFIC!
WE GOTTA FIND THOSE KEYS!
*So they continue on down the bridge, which is revealed to have a ton of enemies on it. Fighting them is required for the route to continue, and getting in fights reveals that Spamton fights with Kris, and the mercy option is… missing, replaced with something called “Pipis,” Which is just a really good heal. So yeah, forced murder, moving on to something more interesting, like the letter “Puzzle”*
S: KRIS, IT SEEMS WE HAVE HIT A DEAD END.
PERHAPS WE HAVE ALREADY PASSED MY KEYS.
I NEVER GO TOO FAR FROM THE STORE, AFTER ALL.
*Kris can either choose “Proceed” or “Turn Back” both which are self explanatory, so let’s say Kris says “Proceed”*
S: KRIS, I DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE LOOKING, BUT THAT IS A LASER FORCEFIELD.
WE CAN NOT GO THAT WAY.
*Proceed*
S: KRIS, THERE IS A PUZZLE IN THE WAY, AND WE CAN’T SOLVE IT FROM HERE!
*Proceed*
S: YOU KNOW, BUDDY, YOU HAVE A POINT.
WHERE THERE’S A WILL THERE’S [EASY SOLUTIONS FOR ONLY $5.59]!
JUST, LET ME TRY.
*Things fade to black, some attack noises play, and things fade back in to all of the buttons being destroyed, and the lasers down*
S: ALRIGHT! WHAT A WILD RUSH!
I’M NOT SURE WHAT I DID OR HOW, BUT SUDDENLY, I FEEL LIKE [10 KROMER]!
LET’S KEEP AT IT, [BIG SHOT]!
Scene 3: Forgiveness
*After a few more enemy kills, Kris and Spamton get to the mouse puzzle, and someone… interesting is waiting there. An Addison*
Addison: Hey, is that…?
It is! Spamton, old buddy, how’ve ya been?
S: AH, ADDISON. HERE TO THROW ME INTO THE [GARBAGE BIN] AGAIN?
A: No, no, I’m past that. Wait a second, let me just…
*Addison clears the puzzle, and Spamton comes out of the inventory*
A: There, now I can really say hi!
*Addison runs over and give Spamton a hug*
S: What?
A: Buddy, it’s been so long.
Listen, I’m really sorry about how I treated you.
I’ve… I’ve been proud, actually.
Just… we got jealous, is all.
And we messed you up because of it. I’m really sorry.
*Kris can either say “Proceed” or “Hug Back”*
*Proceed*
*Spamton lifts up a hand*
A: I’m really glad to see ya, with everyone disappearing outta nowhere, I got worried about you.
We better get back to everyone else before something else happens.
*”Proceed” or “...”*
*Proceed. An attack from Spamton shows up*
A: Uh, Spamton?
*Things go black, and there is an attack noise*
Narrator: You got KEYGEN!
You got DEALBREAKER!
S: Oh… guess he left me again.
WELL, CAN’T PLEASE EVERYBODY, I GUESS!
COME ON, KRIS, LET’S GET THOSE KEYS!
*If Kris chose “Hug back” or “...”*
A: Yeah, let’s get going.
Hey, kid, listen.
Thanks a bunch for getting Spamton back to me. I owe you one.
How about this?
N: You got DEALMAKER.
S: WELL, KRIS, IT SEEMS MY KEYS WILL REMAIN LOST FOR NOW, BUT YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE KEY…
TO MY [FRIENDSHIP] AND [SWEET DEALS]!
*Spamton leaves, and Susie and Ralsei show up*
S: Kris! Where the hell have you been?!
We were looking all over for you!
R: Who was that guy you were with?
Did you make another party without us?
S: Hey, you better not have! WE’RE the heroes of legend, remember?
Let’s get going.
*However, Kris does not do that to continue the run, but instead gets to the castle*
Scene 4: Taking Back the Castle
*Kris and Spamton get to the castle, and Spamton exits the inventory*
S: We’re… here.
KRIS, ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHERE MY [KEYS] ARE?
*No*
S: WHAT?! YOU’VE BEEN [LYEING] TO ME?!
KRIS, I THOUGHT WE WERE PARTNERS!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD BETRAY MY FRIENDSHIP LIKE THIS!
I’M GOING HOME!
*After this, the reunion with the other party members happens, but this forfeits the run.*
*Yes*
S: AHAHA, WHAT AM I SAYING.
KRIS, YOU’RE AN HONEST [INSERT_GENDER_PREFERENCES]!
YOU WOULD NEVER LIE TO YOUR OLD PAL SPAMTON!
TRULY, WE ARE ONE AND THE SAME.
JUST SOME [LONELY HEARTS] OUT LOOKING FOR SOME [HYPERLINK BLOCKED].
AND SINCE WHEN DID ANY OF THOSE [SHMUCKS] WE CALLED “FRIENDS” EVER HELP US GET ANY?
LET’S GET BACK TO BUSINESS.
*Kris and Spamton enter the castle, and it’s pretty much the same as in the alternate route. Rouxls blocks the door to the shop, and any way but straight up is blocked. So, Kris and Spamton make it to the queen. On the battlefield, Spamton exits the inventory*
Queen: Well well well look who returned
Weren’t you evicted
Also hi Kris
S: I AM HERE FOR THE KEYS, QUEEN.
Q: LOL what
S: MY KEYS. I KNOW YOU HAVE THEM.
Q: Oh I get it
Sorry Spamton, but you have no place in this castle anymore
And you Kris, you kinda suck
You really just beat everyone up like that, huh?
Well now I will have to kick both of your asses
Enjoy freaking dying, losers
*”Taking Back the Castle” plays as an actual boss fight happens. There’s no actual dialogue, and it’s just pure attack torture. After winning, the chair blows up and the Queen flies off. After that, Spamton goes to the center of the room*
S: Well, here we are…
AND STILL NO SIGN OF THOSE KEYS.
I KNOW YOU WOULD NEVER LIE TO ME, MY FRIEND.
SO I’M SURE THEY’RE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE!
SO, YOU CAN GO HOME, I’LL KEEP LOOKING.
But before you go…
We went through a lot together, haven’t we?
We accomplished a lot today, so I just wanted to ask…
I made you proud, didn’t I?
*Yes*
S: Didn’t I?
*Yes*
S: Didn’t I?
*Yes*
S: Didn’t I?
*Yes*
S: Didn’t I?
*No*
S: ...
*
*Spamton looks up with a smile*
S: Well, can’t please everyone, I guess.
*He starts walking off slowly, but just before leaving, he turns around to look at Kris, who doesn’t look back. He dips his head and heads out. Suddenly, after this, Kris decides to cease*