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A sweet fantasy, there he is. Standing on the hallway, waving his long soft fingers, as I thought it would feel against my skin, oblivious to my erratic heartbeats, not even five feet from him yet, but this crazy heart of mine is already overreacting. Sigh, what a way to start my semester. And oh to be rude towards the love of my life, the one who own my heart, the name that I moa—okay, lets not go there.
“Hi,” wearing his usual sweet smile, showing his beautiful smile and crescent moon eyes, not knowing what that did to my heart. Here goes my masculinity and asshole being, ignoring him, as usual. But no shit, that still makes him giggle while following me like a lost puppy, we are not even friends, I have no idea why would he cling to me when I did only the bare minimum of eye contact, not even a smile for the past 6 months. This boy is so determined to make me his friend, not realizing what he did makes me feel more than a friend should.
Not until one day, came this girl stealing all his attention from me. He would usually be very talkative about his day, even though I pretended to wear headphone all the time with no song playing, just so I can hear his rambling all day, yes, stupid but I guess he liked it that way, or so I thought. This Heather had been pervading his brain these days and I could not even complain about it, simply because I have no right, and oh Heather is an angel. Everybody likes her, she is kind, pretty and soft, the epitome of beauty and brain but of all people why him? Oh Heather, why him? I have absolutely no reason to hate you but oh damn it, why him?
Him? His eyes light up as she passes by, what a sore in the eyes. I have only started to be talking to him, about the sweater he lent me the other night, even complimented me, that I looked better in it. Heck, why would i be upset, oh right, its Heather. Even now, Heather seems like the main character, oh Heather.
I walked in to seeing you standing by her side, arm wrapped around her shoulder and I feel my feet and hands getting colder, as I watch your eyes light up as you talked to her, how I wish she was dead right there and then so I can own you but what am I even thinking about, she is Heather and I am not.
“Hi Jinwoo,” still as usual your friendly demeanor towards me, I can only half smile and walk away, heart broken in pieces, praying that I can fast forward time so all these would only be past tense in my life.
If only you knew how much I like you, or should it be liked you? If only changing heart is as easy as changing tense. And the memory of that day came, like a film we’ve watched thousand times, every details sweetly engraved in my heart, now hurting me.
You insisted that we should study together in my apartment, you said it’s a better place because I live alone, just so you know my mind isn’t in the right place when it comes to you and me, alone, somewhere, and my apartment, oh that’s a dangerous place to even think about it, but you were persistent and cute, most of the time cute, so I had to concede defeat.
It was rainy, we had to run back to my apartment from the bus stop because it was already late at night. I paid no attention to you since we were struggling on our feet running back and not to mention soaking wet, and you and wet, a very dangerous combination for my heart. Not realizing the threat, I opened the door to welcome you inside my dark and cold apartment not turning back. I walked right to my bathroom to grab clean towels for us, then there you are, trying to dry your messy hair and your dripping wet white tee underneath your dark blue jacket, showing a clean line of your lean perfectly sculptured chest and six packs, my heart stopped beating.
“Jinwoo?”
My heart started to be erratic again, that it almost burst out of my chest and I am pretty sure my face is as red as ripen tomato, so I shoved the towel to your chest and headed back to the bathroom to have a nice warm shower to cool my heart.
I was sure that I locked my door but you walked in and I had stripped naked. Oh Eunwoo, I love you so much but I could very much use the newly refilled shower bottle to bang your head.
“OHHHHHHH—“ one word and I swear I would combust,
“You’re really built different,” and yes I combusted. And he look at me dead serious, as I close my eyes letting the warm water running on my face trying to be as calm and collected as I can.
My apartment was not big but very comfortable, its clean because I had no time to mess it out, I spent most of my time in my studio, composing and writing lyrics, the thing that nobody knows, or understand, I have written at least hundred songs with his images in my head, and the latest one is Heather, oh Heather, my story is better without you but you are Heather.
And you got him mesmerized and it’s a sore in my eyes.
And the night deepened as you cooked us ramen to warm us up, I had not once looked up to you, trying to focus to my notes and finishing my ramen,
“I think im going to stay the night here, its already late and my house is far from here,” why would you make such dangerous decision? I answered nothing and again, my being is in danger, of your existent, 1 meter away from me and I can even smell my shampoo scent that you used when you showered.
You were whining about me too focusing with my notes and ignoring you,
“Didn’t you say we should be studying together?” I retorted , emphasizing the word studying and you giggled, so beautifully.
“We studied enough,” and you pouted, not legal. So handsome and cute, more to cute.
“You studied enough, I am not a genius, I need to revised more,”
“Oh come on, I have seen your marks, don’t lie. “ I rolled my eyes, and focused back to my notes until you forced your way to my laps and I gasped too loud with the spark I felt as your skin touched mine.
And we locked eyes, and you and I were caught in that moment, I wasn’t thinking and so was you, our faces inched closer, I can feel your breath against my face and I felt as if the world for once, revolved on me, I feel so happy but it felt so wrong, and we kissed. Your soft lips against mine, it started soft, and I closed my eyes, and you started nibbling my lower lips, you are a good kisser and I did not dare to wonder how, it was so good we started to let out breathy moans and your arms wrapped close to me, warm and cozy. It was a hot make out session until you pulled away, face red, apologizing and left.
Like I said, I wasn’t thinking and so was you and it was a mistake, a beautiful mistake, to me at least and for the better.
It would’ve hurt me more now if you felt the same.
But with Heather now, I wonder, why would you kissed me? I’m not even half as pretty and Heather walks by, and your eyes shines brighter than blue sky, and she wears your sweater, oh its just polyester but you like her better and I wish I were Heather.
I wish I were Heather.