Chapter Text
"No, no, not like that!" Joo-Won exclaimed. Dong-Sik pushed him aside with his hips, his hands both occupied by the dish he was attempting to make. "I can't believe you're doing it like that! Who taught you to cook, a blind monkey,?" Joo-Won waved his hands over the pot in horror. Dong-Sik rolled his eyes, "Just what I needed, very helpful Joo-Won ah." Joo-Won raised his eyebrows. "I'm just trying to support my local senior citizen," He quipped, biting back a grin at Dong-Sik's mock outrage. "The elderly need hobbies to keep them occupied," he added. Dong-Sik shook a spoon in Joo-Won's face, "You do realize there's more to teaching someone to cook than insulting someone?" Joo-Won pursed his lips, pretending to think it over. "Ah, but I enjoy insulting you, so I'll gladly do it wrong," he declared. Dong-Sik threw up his hands, "Kids these days! Back in my day..." They both burst out laughing. Dong-Sik sighed, looking at the mess he had made. "I don't think this is ever going to be edible," he said. "Let's call it a first attempt tried and failed and go out to eat." Joo-Won pouted (he would insist he doesn't pout, but Dong-Sik says it is a pout) "but if you failed that means I failed at teaching you." Dong-Sik dryly said, "I understand that as a baby new to this world you've not encountered failure before, so my advice is get over it. You're welcome."
They sat across from each other in the restaurant arguing about what went wrong with the recipe. Joo-Won shifted in discomfort at their server's awkward, decidedly strange demeanor. He raised an eyebrow at Dong-Sik when she left. "What's her problem?" He asked. Dong-Sik scoffed, "Oh, she used to throw food at me and call me a murderer. I guess now she feels awkward about it." He chuckled like it was a good joke. Joo-Won, though, felt sudden kinship with the woman. He understood how hard it was to look Dong-Sik in the eye after how he had treated him - the shame of realizing you'd been harassing a man in terrible pain. Dong-Sik kicked his foot under the table. "Will you stop looking like someone just muddied your shoes? It's time you were past it, Joo-Won ah." He said firmly. Joo-Won nodded and fixed his face. His guilt was not about to disappear, but he knew it upset Dong-Sik to see, so he pretended he was past it for his sake. He changed the subject, "Oh Ji-Hwa mentioned the job offer you got." That set off a discussion about what Dong-Sik was going to do next, as he had mostly worked on his house since leaving prison. They ate and got serious about his options for a few minutes, before returning to teasing each other. Neither seemed able to resist their playfully insulting banter. Now that there was no real bite or enmity to it, it was fun for both of them to push and pull at each other.
Back at Dong-Sik's house they both sighed at the mess of pots they had left. Wordlessly they began cleaning up together. While wiping down the stove Joo-Won spoke up, "I noticed you put up more pictures of your family." Dong-Sik was quiet for a minute then said, "I'm trying to celebrate the people they were and what I had, not just grieve them. Something my therapist got me thinking about." Joo-Won nodded and said, hoping it was the right thing to say, "From what I've heard about Yu-Yeon that's what she would have wanted." Dong-Sik closed his eyes for a moment, looking lost to the world, then nodded, "Mm, she always appreciated people for who they were, tried to focus on the good over the bad. She had all the traits I didn't. We balanced each other out." He stared into space, his grief visibly rising to the surface. Joo-Won felt a lump fill his throat at seeing the pain Dong-Sik had been in this whole time, while also dealing with blame. The way he loved his sister, to be made to even think about hurting her... Joo-Won's eyes burned with shame. He thought it would fade with time and therapy, but his guilt grew in concert with his fondness for Dong-Sik. He put down his sponge to reach out to Dong-Sik, offering what he hoped was comfort. Dong-Sik leaned into the hand on his shoulder, placing his own on top of it. They stood there together for a moment, Joo-Won leaning his warmth into Dong-Sik's. Dong-Sik shook himself and went back to washing dishes, launching into a story about his sister that made him laugh to tell.
The two stretched out on the sofa to watch the news, Dong-Sik providing ridiculous commentary that made Joo-Won laugh and roll his eyes. Once it was too late for Joo-Won to justify staying any longer on a work night, he said goodbye and headed out. He got in his car and deflated, collapsing forward, head onto the steering wheel. Every time he saw Dong-Sik it was harder and harder to not reach out and touch, to not take him in his arms when he was sad, to not shut him up with a kiss when he was annoying. He wanted so badly he ached inside, like his heart was reaching out for Dong-Sik, trying to leave his own chest. He pressed a hand to his chest, trying to breathe through it. Why did no one say how much loving someone hurt? How much it hurt to care deeply for someone and see them in pain. How much it hurt to adore someone and see them joyful. His hands shook as he started his car. He could never have, he could only want. He should be grateful Dong-Sik even wanted to be his friend.
Joo-Won got in the shower, hand dropping to grip himself automatically. He was past the point of feeling too guilty to do it. Each day he spent with Dong-Sik ended with him feeling so wound up he had to have release. His desires were a contradictory blur of images. He thought of Dong-Sik's smirk and witty tongue that could probably talk dirty brilliantly. He also thought of the soft way he said "Joo-Won ah" and the way he looked out for him, making sure he didn't overwork himself and that he ate enough. He wanted Dong-Sik's care and sweetness, but also wanted his bite and passion. He came quickly, cleaned up, and collapsed into bed. It was four days before he could see Dong-Sik again. They texted back and forth in the meantime, mostly Dong-Sik sending terrible jokes that amused him to annoy Joo-Won with. They agreed in the morning to have dinner together, but the way Joo-Won's day was going it was clear he wasn't going to be up to driving all the way to Manyang. He was operating on almost no sleep, hadn't eaten in over a day, and then got punched square in the face by a suspect. Joo-Won had a feeling he would have been able to dodge had he been more rested. Oh well, he thought, these things happened. Then the man swung a board, hitting him in the side, knocking the breath out of him so thoroughly that he had a moment of realizing the man could hit him in the head and there would be nothing he could do about it.
Joo-Won texted Dong-Sik to cancel their dinner plans, simply saying he'd had to work late. He limped to his door, annoyed by the instructions he'd received to rest for a couple of days. He fully intended to review cold case files from home instead. Leaning against his door holding a bag of food was Dong-Sik. "Well you're looking extra pretty," he drawled, taking in Joo-Won's dirty, roughed up appearance, his eyes narrowing at the bruise and cut on his face. Joo-Won joked tiredly, "I wanted to put us on more even footing looks-wise." Dong-Sik gave an exaggerated gasp and clutched his chest. Joo-Won flipped on the light, ignoring Dong-Sik's intake of breath at seeing the full extent of his injuries. "I'm going to shower." he muttered. He watched dirt swirl down the drain, then blood from his face join it. He felt in almost a stupor of exhaustion, past the point of feeling anything. It was an almost out of body experience, lightheadedness from skipping meals combined with sleep deprivation. Some part of him knew the way he was pushing himself wasn't sustainable, but he had no intention to slow down just yet. He had not yet come close to making up for his crimes.
Joo-Won left the bathroom and sank down onto the edge of his bed. His breathing hurt enough that he dimly hoped he hadn't broken any ribs. Dong-Sik tapped him on the shoulder, "Come on, come eat something. I'm guessing you haven't eaten since this morning." Joo-Won grimaced at the assumption that he had eaten that day at all. Dong-Sik herded him to the sofa and put a plate in front of him. "Eat", he repeated. Joo-Won sighed and dug in, knowing Dong-Sik wouldn't leave him alone until he did. He glanced up to see Dong-Sik staring at him, looking concerned. He shifted in discomfort. He didn't want his concern. He didn't deserve it. It made him feel like he was burdening the man. "Don't look at me like that. I'm fine," he muttered. Dong-Sik scoffed, "I'd hate to see what you look like on a bad day then." He paused a moment, looking indecisive, then added, "You're overworking yourself." Joo-Won felt frustrated. Dong-Sik knew what he had done, the death he was responsible for. He should understand that Joo-Won had to do this, that he didn't deserve to rest. He clenched his jaw, wincing at the pain that shot through his face.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Dong-Sik sighed. Joo-Won looked incredulously at him. "You're asking me why? After what I did to Lee Geum-Hwa?" Dong-Sik nodded, "So the plan is to get yourself killed to make up for that?" He looked like he was trying not to lose his temper. Usually Joo-Won appreciated Dong-Sik's care, but in this instance it felt wrong and misplaced. He felt raw and fragile from exhaustion and guilt, leading to snapping words he didn't think through. "Would it be the end of the world if I did?" Dong-Sik looked stricken. "What?" He breathed. Joo-Won shook his head and put his face in his hands. "I didn't mean to say that," he said. "I'm tired, forget I said anything." Dong-Sik looked like he didn't know if he wanted to cry or shake some sense into Joo-Won. "Do you have any idea what that would do to me?" He said hoarsely. "Losing another partner?" Later he would blame the lack of sleep, but suddenly Dong-Sik's concern for him in the face of how Joo-Won felt about himself was too much. The room swam, and he was distantly aware that he was crying. He fought to hold it back, but exhaustion has a way of bringing emotions to the surface. Everything he had been pushing down spilled over. His tears stung the cut on his face, but he couldn't stop. He doubled over, his shoulders shaking.
Joo-Won felt the sofa sink down from Dong-Sik's weight next to him. An arm came around him, holding him with a steadying presence. He cried until he had nothing left in him, Dong-Sik guiding him to his bed and putting a blanket over him. Everything was in a fog of exhaustion at that point. Joo-Won woke to sun streaming through the window. He rolled over to check his phone, shocked to see he had slept fourteen hours. The night before came back to him, and he groaned in embarrassment. How was he going to live this down? He heard a clatter coming from his kitchen and shot up. He found Dong-Sik in front of the stove. "Coffee?" He greeted. Joo-Won wordlessly accepted the mug, staring blankly at the dark liquid. "Your couch is much more comfortable to sleep on that mine," Dong-Sik commented. "Probably comes from costing ten times as much," he mused. Joo-Won blinked at him, trying to wake up enough to catch up. He sank onto a chair, unable to look Dong-Sik in the eye. "I'm sorry about-" he was cut off by Dong-Sik. "If you're going to apologize for crying, don't," he said firmly. Joo-Won grimaced at hearing it said out loud. "I don't know what came over me. It must be the lack of sleep," he defended himself. "Mm," Dong-Sik sat down across from him. "How much have you been sleeping? Clearly a conversation needs to be had about how you've been treating yourself." Dong-Sik looked at his hands, "I thought you would work out your guilt and things would improve, but clearly that's not what's happening." He fixed Joo-Won with an intense stare. "You realize therapy only helps if you want it to, right? I'm guessing you're not sharing all this with your therapist."
Joo-Won glanced away, wordlessly acknowledging it. Dong-Sik leaned back with a sigh. "You know being sleep deprived when you're a cop can get you killed," he stated. Joo-Won nodded. Dong-Sik's jaw worked in his face. "I wouldn't survive losing you," he said bluntly. "What?" Joo-Won exclaimed. Dong-Sik looked at him, and in that moment Joo-Won could see all his grief. "I can't handle another loss. You mean too much to me to lose. I know you'd rather we communicate through sarcasm and banter, but apparently it needs to be said. I'm entirely selfishly asking you to take care of yourself." Joo-Won had to avert his eyes from the openness of Dong-Sik's expression. He felt twisted up inside, wanting to do anything to make Dong-Sik happy, but also needing to push himself to solve every case he could - even at his own expense. "I'm going to call my therapist," he said after a minute of thinking.
Joo-Won arranged a last minute appointment with his therapist, leaving Dong-Sik in his apartment to see her. As soon as he left the session he called his boss to make it clear he was not going to be working such insane hours anymore and asked for a week off for health reasons. Dong-Sik looked relieved and proud when he heard Joo-Won's decision. Joo-Won squirmed inside with his pleasure at seeing Dong-Sik happy and the part of himself that still got annoyed that he cared what anyone else thought. Impulsively, he asked Dong-Sik if he could treat him to dinner as a thank you for being there the night before. "Yes to dinner, no to the thanks," Dong-Sik said. "Friends shouldn't have to say thank you for caring. It comes with the package," he explained. Joo-Won picked somewhere nice to treat him to - something he knew Dong-Sik didn't usually have access to, but not so nice as to make him uncomfortable. Dong-Sik seemed hesitant at first to fall back into their playful insults, but after some pushing from Joo-Won stopped treating him like he was fragile.
An hour into the meal, Joo-Won was sharing a story of embarrassing himself in front of his new colleagues, Dong-Sik thoroughly enjoying seeing him able to take himself less seriously. "Not as embarrassing as accusing your coworker of murder though," Dong-Sik chuckled. Joo-Won winced, "Not funny." Dong-Sik sighed, "Ah, fine. Maybe some day." Joo-Won privately doubted it. The more he came to care for Dong-Sik the less funny it became. He thought about the conversation he'd had with his therapist about speaking his feelings more and reaching out to people, and decided to voice that. "I care about you too much to laugh about harassing you," he said. Dong-Sik froze with his cup halfway to his mouth, blinking at Joo-Won for a moment. He lowered his cup and nodded slowly. He looked so surprised at Joo-Won saying he cared that Joo-Won was seized by the desire to tell him more often. Dong-Sik looked like he was gathering his words, then blurted out, "Do you want to come to the cabin for a few days? Get some rest, get away from work?" He actually looked nervous, Joo-Won observed. Joo-Won nodded, "That actually sounds really nice." Dong-Sik looked relieved. He smiled at Joo-Won. "Good. That's good," he said.
The two men stood at Joo-Won's door, Dong-Sik preparing to leave to pack some things for the cabin. He hovered like there was something else he wanted, but he didn't say anything. Joo-Won felt nervous from Dong-Sik's nervousness. Finally, Dong-Sik reached out to squeeze his shoulder, Joo-Won thinking for a moment that he intended to pull him into a hug. Instead, to Joo-Won's disappointment, he released him and turned to go. Joo-Won remembered that if he wanted a hug he was capable of reaching out himself, and put a hand on Dong-Sik's arm to stop him. He turned with a question on his face. Joo-Won stepped forward to put his arms around him and squeeze him. It was so quick Dong-Sik's surprised arms didn't even have time to settle on Joo-Won's back before he was released. Joo-Won could feel himself flushing and hoped it wasn't obvious. Dong-Sik looked almost shocked, then his face softened in a way that made Joo-Won's heart clench. "Goodnight, Joo-Won ah," he said softly.