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“Yes or no?” Neil asked.
“To what?” He was curled up with his head on Andrew’s chest forcing him to look down at Neil from an awkward angle. They’d managed to fit themselves comfortably in Andrew’s dorm bed and had been laying together quietly dozing for a while now. Neil had gotten up to go on a run more out of habit than anything but a sleepy Andrew had caught his hand before he could leave. It wasn’t a hard choice between going on a run and being pulled into Andrew’s bunk.
“A kiss.”
Andrew let out a small huff and rolled his eyes before agreeing. Their hands have been tangled together rest on Andrew’s stomach and Neil slowly lifts their joined hands to his mouth so he could press a small kiss on the back of Andrew’s. To Neil’s surprise, he felt Andrew tense. He pulled back to check and found Andrew staring at him with wide eyes.
“Is it a no?” Neil asked, poised to move away if he needed to. It had been something Neil had seen Matt do to Dan a number of times. She always smiled widely after and Neil thought it looked kind of nice.
Andrew frowned a moment before he shook his head and tightened his arm around Neil’s waist, pulling him back in even closer than before
Neil laughed softly into Andrew’s neck. He knew Andrew hated surprises but he’s found that there were a few that were allowed and he would even go as far to think Andrew even enjoyed them. Andrew was mellowed out by sleep and seemed in the mood to indulge him.
Neil hummed into the soft skin of Andrew’s neck and asked in a soft voice, “Can I kiss you here? Not for anything more— I’m too tired from that.”
Kevin had kicked his ass at extra practice the night before while Andrew just sat on the bench messing around on his phone. Neil appreciated the practice and knew it’d be worth it but right now his eyes were drooping and he didn’t want to move ever again from Andrew’s warm side.
Neil feels more than he hears Andrew’s soft “yes” muttered into his hair. He smiled gently and pressed a closed mouth kiss to the side of Andrew’s neck. Neil would never get over the trust Andrew had in him. They both knew what it’s like to be at someone else’s mercy, and letting someone at your throat gave them every opportunity to rip it out if they so wished. But Andrew trusted him not to do that and that meant the world to Neil.
Neil meant it when he told Andrew he liked kissing his neck was because Andrew liked it. If Andrew didn’t like it it would not even come to mind and if he was just neutral about it Neil would then look for something Andrew did like.
He continued to press short, soft kisses around Andrew’s throat, humming contently. He really wasn’t in the mood for more but he did want to continue touching Andrew. Neil rubbed his thumb against the back of Andrew’s and squeezed his hand a little bit, getting a squeeze in return. When he got to the spot just under Andrew’s ear he paused and rubbed his nose there a second nuzzling closer and sighed into his neck, letting all the tension out of his body.
When he made to settle back he noticed something. Andrew’s body was tense and he was staring intensely up at the ceiling. Neil pulled back immediately alert.
“Andrew,” he said sharply.
He didn’t react only continued staring at the ceiling. Neil began pulling back, putting space between them when a hand stopped him. He looked up to see Andrew staring at him with that same tense expression.
“I’m sorry. Was that too much?”
Andrew frowned at that and shook his head reeling Neil back into his side. When Neil was back in his original spot with his head over Andrew’s heart he spoke.
“You don’t need to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.” His tone was firm, but Neil still felt uneasy.
“But then why were you—“
Andrew cut him off quickly. “I was thinking,” he hesitated a moment before he spoke again. “Truth for truth?”
Neil resisted rolling his eyes. They have played their game less and less having gotten to the point where there wasn’t much else to know about the other and now knew that their truths were not bargaining chips anymore but rather pieces of themselves given freely. Andrew asking meant he had a question he thought Neil would find difficult and was promising to share something of equal weight, even though Neil didn’t need that.
“Alright. Go ahead.”
Andrew didn’t ask immediately. His hand came up to the back of Neil’s head, running through his hair. It felt nice and eased any apprehension that he’d done something to upset Andrew. Neil eventually decided to back to his campaign of kiss every inch of the soft skin of Andrew’s neck since that was still on the table.
“Why— why do you do that?”
Neil pulled back in confusion. “Is that your question? What do you mean by ‘that’?”
Andrew pressed his lips into a thin line. He’s come far in learning to express himself more clearly but he was still prone to clamming up when a conversation made him uncomfortable. Neil trusted that Andrew would either find his words or he would change the subject and they would move on.
Neil looked away not wanting to pressure Andrew while he collected his thoughts eyes moving back to Andrew’s hand in his. He loved Andrew’s hands. How strong they were. How Neil not only tolerated being touched by them but enjoyed it. One of the many things he’d never thought he’d get to have. He remembered how much he liked kissing Andrew’s hand a minute ago and did it again but this time at the base of his wrist right next to where his armband began.
“That.”
“Why I kiss you? You’re really gonna waste a truth on that?” Neil gave Andrew a wry smile.
He shook his head. “No, why do you— Like that. How can you—You’ve never done that before.”
“I really don’t understand the question. I’m touching you like I always do this isn’t anything new—“ but before he could continue Andrew cut him off.
“ Gently . How can you touch me gently?” He spat the word out of his mouth like he couldn’t stand the taste of it.
Neil stared at Andrew in surprise. He looked back to his hand where it was holding onto Andrew’s in a light grip, how he was still making soft circles on the back of it.
Gentle? Never in his life has Neil ever been called gentle. When he lived with Nathan anything gentle had been beaten out of him and on the run, there had been no room in his duffel bag to bring it along with him. Was that what this was? Was that how he touched Andrew? He’d never thought about it. Neil’s main focus when touching Andrew usually was to make sure it was allowed and wanted.
He thought back to when Andrew originally asked the question. How he’d been pressing chaste kisses and nuzzling into Andrew’s neck. How he’d easily kissed Andrew’s hand. Usually Neil would use his teeth and pressure to kiss him with the intention of leaving hickeys he knew Andrew liked in that grumpy way of his. He realized that there was a difference there. It was softer and done for the sake of itself where so many of their other kisses were usually a prelude to other activities.
Neil frowned and shrugged. “I wanted to.”
He didn’t really have a better answer than that and he could see the response frustrated Andrew so he continued.
“I don’t know. I am tired but I still wanted to kiss you and I saw someone do the hand thing the other day and thought that looked nice so I guess— I mean you know how I grew up?”
Andrew nodded, but his eyebrows were still furrowed.
“Well, with my mom— and don’t think I’m gonna get into this with you now— but with my mom, things weren’t great but she still, like, hugged me and whatever, but it wasn’t ever… soft.”
As he talked Neil thought of the first time he was shot and his mother had to sew him back up. She’d been furious and had pushed him around roughly, but after had completely enveloped him in her arms and didn’t let him go for hours. It wasn’t a great memory, but there were parts of it he still thought about, like how she slept curled around him to sleep for weeks after. Like how when he was drifting off a night she would sometimes kiss the top of his head.
That hadn’t been gentle, that had been a vice grip, a tether tying them together as the last two people on earth they could ever be close to, but it was all he ever knew. Neil wouldn’t share this with Andrew. He knew what he’d say and didn’t want to hear it right now, but it did make him think about another part of the memory. His mom always held onto him, kept him close, but he never did that for her.
“So what? No one was ever nice to you so you’re going to treat me like a Faberge egg now?” Andrew’s words are biting but he knew it was a genuine question.
“No, I know you’re not breakable. I guess it’s just that— I never really saw people act like that,” Neil said, turning to face away suddenly vulnerable. “And I never wanted anything with anybody before you so I never really saw the point, but— but I get it now, I think.”
When he finished speaking Neil felt the weight of the honesty he just shared. His body felt so tense he was almost trembling with it. Neil never saw his parents be affectionate with one another or anyone else for that matter, and Andrew had been there for basically all of Neil’s romantic experience. His frame of reference for these kinds of things was extremely narrow. It made sense he was still figuring it out, but it still surprised him. It surprised him how much he liked it, how much he wanted it. A tremor started through him and his breathing picked up a little and he let out a shaky, “ Fuck .”
“Neil,” Andrew said, but Neil still couldn’t look at him, not yet.
“I— I just. Huh, I never thought about this before. It’s— it’s a lot? I guess? I like that I’m still capable of this, that it wasn’t completely burnt out of me— they didn’t take that. I can still do this.” Neil gestured with their joined hands. A wave of embarrassment washed over him at the admission and he tried to laugh it off. “Sorry, that’s stupid I know. It’s fine.”
“Neil,” Andrew said again, pulling lightly on his hoodie string to get his attention. “Look at me.”
He slowly turned his head to meet Andrew’s burning stare. Neil spent more time with Andrew than anybody else so he liked to think he could recognize all of his microexpressions, but now he was at a loss. Andrew’s eyes burned with something strong and unnameable, but in a way that frightened him, in a way that make the tightness in his chest finally release.
“It’s not stupid.” His voice was firm, unmovable. Neil let himself completely relax back into Andrew’s side but moved up so his head was also on the pillow, eyes not leaving Andrew’s face. Andrew was a man of few words but Neil didn’t need more from him. Neil should have known that with this freefall of a truth Andrew would be there to catch him.
“Don’t look at me like that junkie,” Andrew said, narrowing his eyes a little.
“ You told me to look at you,” Neil smiled.
“Oh shut up,” Andrew said before pulling Neil into a short kiss. Andrew wasn’t gentle with him, but he was never rough either. His hands held onto Neil firmly, a grounding weight that told him he was here and he was real.
When Andrew pulled back he said, “Okay, your turn. Ask.”
Neil thought a moment before asking, “Do you like— is that alright with you? Gentleness?”
“Don’t ask stupid questions.” Andrew rubbed his thumb over Neil’s lip.
“I’m serious. Don’t let me continue for my own sake. If you don’t care for it let me know.”
Andrew’s expression changed to one of slight exasperation. He pushed the hair back from Neil’s forehead, tucking the longer strands behind his ear. His hands then moved to cup Neil’s checks, rubbing over the circular burn marks, tracing along the long healed straight knife scars on his other cheek, mapping out his face with a feather-light touch.
When he seemed satisfied he brought his hand to the back of Neil’s neck pulling him forward so their foreheads touched and kissed him. The way he usually kissed Neil was firm and attentive. This kiss was different. It was still purposeful but it was... softer around the edges. Andrew’s hand on his neck was not quite holding but rather resting, no sense of urgency but teeming with desire. It wasn’t quite gentle, but it was softer and it was Andrew and that’s all Neil cared about.
“I can’t promise you the same,” Andrew said when he pulled back. “But... maybe sometimes I could… try.”
“I said I like doing it. I’m not expecting anything from you,” Neil said. Andrew didn’t say anything for a moment before he pulled Neil’s hand to his lips and placed a kiss there. Really, it was less of a kiss than Andrew holding his hand to his mouth, but it still made Neil’s heart flutter. Andrew rested his cheek on Neil’s hand looking thoughtful before letting go.
“You’re right, it’s not bad to do. Now move over I’m trying to sleep.”
Neil grinned and let Andrew roll him on his other side so he could spoon behind him. Andrew’s arms wrapped around him, tangling their fingers together again. Neil pressed their hands against his chest and let his eyes close at the feeling of Andrew pressing firmly against his back.
Touch was a language taught to him in a dialect of angry shouts and hissing whispers. For so long he never knew it could be gentle tones shared on sleepy mornings. He reminded himself that Andrew was also still figuring out their relationship— he had only recently admitted they even had one after all— gentleness as foreign to him as it is to Neil. Like everything else they did they’d take it at their own pace, but they were already learning Russian for each other, so what was another langue anyway?