Work Text:
1:34 AM
The car ride from the concert arena to the Kingdom dorms is silent. Saegusa drives slowly and carefully as possible while Natsume sits on the passenger's seat, hooked up in a mini oxygen tank and a script on his hand. Today, the idol pulled a huge stunt in his career. 4 hours ago, Natsume's first lead play as a theater actor ended. It has always been his dream ever since he was a child. If you're going to tell the five year-old Natsume that he's going to be an idol when he grows up, he'll definitely deny it and say that he's going to be a theater actor. It has always been his dream, but alas, he was forced to take a different path but soon enough, he also learned how to love the profession.
Natsume is a successful idol. But 4 hours ago, he pulled a huge stunt where when his first lead play ended, he went straight to his concert venue and performed non-stop until midnight. He cannot choose between being an idol and being an actor. He loved doing both and he's determined to prove to everybody that he can do it. He successfully pulled it off, but nobody can deny the damage it did.
Natsume's feelings are strong, so strong that his body might collapse anytime soon.
So there he is, on the passenger's seat, hooked up in a mini oxygen tank because his lungs and body were pushed to its limit.
“I really think Natsume-kun should go to the hospital.” The concern in Saegusa's voice is undeniable as Natsume took his third deep breath under a minute. His eyes are focused on the road and yet his attention is divided between driving and looking out for his talent. Saegusa didn't want to see Natsume suffer again. If he could just decide on his own, he would drive straight to the hospital but Natsume insisted on going home, and Saegusa can't do anything but to comply.
“No, I- I'm fine…” Natsume choked the words out. He's clearly having a hard time speaking, which made Saegusa's grip on the steering wheel tighten.
“At least rest for tonight. The play will start at 6pm tomorrow, right? You should sleep the entire day to get at least some of your lung power back.” Saegusa said as Natsume flipped a page of the script in his hand.
“I need to practice the last scene more. I am not satisfied with my performance earlier so I'm making sure I get everything right tomorrow.” Despite having a hard time speaking, the passion in Natsume's voice shines through. It convinced Saegusa that Natsume knows what he's doing but he's still very much worried for him.
“Natsume-kun…”
“I've been in worse cases than this so I'm really fine.” True that Natsume experienced way more severe cases than him hooking up in a mini oxygen tank. He once slept for an entire week in ICU because of the 'hell regimen' prepared by his dance coach where he rehearsed for two weeks without getting more than an hour of sleep every night. “You should also get some rest. Don't come tomorrow or I'll fire you.”
“Butー”
“No buts. Tomorrow is Chiyo-chan's birthday, right? Take her somewhere nice. Be a father to her before it's too late.”
Saegusa cannot argue with Natsume anymore.
Ten minutes passed and they safely arrived at the Kingdom's dorms, and ten minutes is enough for Natsume's fatigue to take over his body. Fighting his heavy eyelids like his life depends on it, Natsume hopped off the car while still trying to read the notes written on his script. Saegusa on the other hand is very much worried. The way Natsume walks so wobbly didn't help either but he knew how stubborn his talent can be. He knew that Natsume would come and ask for help if he really needed it, so Saegusa trusted him and waited until he made his way through the main door before driving off.
“That boy is indeed amazing…”
1: 46 AM
Despite his failing body and the nasal cannula hooked up in his face, Natsume plans to practice until at least 3 am. He's done it before, staying up so late just to practice, so he's confident he could pull it off tonight. But that confidence started to die down when he closed the main door, and the world started spinning. Every step he takes feels so heavy. The backpack that contains a few shirts and the oxygen tank feels like they're a hundred times their weight. Even though he's getting help on breathing, his lungs felt crushed and his legs softened as the entire world mocked him.
‘Water… Just need… Water…’
With his failing body and messy head, Natsume tried to reach the kitchen. His hands landed over everything that could support his balance as his glasses started to get useless. Natsume cursed himself internally. Now is not a good time for his body to act up. He needs to get himself together or else he'll lose.
You'll terribly fail.
‘No!’
You cannot do this.
‘Shut up!’
Soon, you're gonna have to choose between the two.
‘No. No, I won't!’
Yes, you will. Don't get too attached because you'll soon loose them~
‘SHUT UP!’
Or better, you'll have to give up both because your tiny little legs can't support your body anymore~!
‘PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP’
Choose wisely, my dear summer bud.
‘SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UPー’
“... ーsan?”
‘Huh?’
“Sena-san?”
Natsume found himself leaning on the kitchen counter, hands tightly gripping the edge. His breath is shallow but fast and he can feel his body shiver involuntarily.
“Sena-san, are you alright…?”
Gaze fixed on the boy in front of him, Natsume took seconds to recognize who's the owner of the worried voice.
Ah, it'sー
“Fuji…saki… saー”
And everything turned black.
-◎-
1:42 AM
Minami just got back from the radio station. He is unusually late than his normal time because one of the crew celebrated their birthday on the booth and they have to clean everything up before leaving. The party went a little wild so the trash was all over the place. Everyone got drunk so the responsible half sober Minami had to clean most of them, thus resulting in him coming home later than usual.
“I'm home,” Out of habit, Minami announced his arrival to literally nobody. “Who am I talking to, really?” Kicking his shoes off and placing them properly where they belong, Minami marched straight to the kitchen to brew himself a cup of coffee. The night is still young anyways.
Being in the dorm made Minami remember something; Aves' play just ended last night. He really wanted to go and watch but he already promised his friend that he's attending his party so he definitely won't miss the closing night. Minami witnessed how hard Aves worked on their play. Even though he wasn't there during their practices, he could tell that everyone wanted the show to be successful. Who doesn't want a successful show anyways, right?
As the coffee machine started to brew the beans, Minami's brain suddenly brought up something very important that made his body jolt unconsciously as he hurriedly fished his phone from his pocket. That's right. He's really dying to know what happened.
What happened to Natsume Sena, Aves' main cast, that literally ran the minute his lead play ended just to attend his own live concert.
Minami's fingers flew fast across his phone screen as he opened news sites, twitter, and lime just to get information about Natsume's live concert.
“What? SA!NT was the opening act?!” Minami's feelings overflowed as he updated himself on what happened at the concert from twitter. He read tons and tons of tweets, mentions, and hashtags about the live performance and got relieved when he learned that Natsume was able to perform.
“I'm so glad he made it…”
Minami leaned on the kitchen counter as he saved the photos of Natsume from the concert that the official account has posted, smiling softly every time he tapped the save button.
“Sena-san is really amazing, huh…”
No wonder Minami had fallen so deep into him.
“...”
Feelings of hopelessness started to eat Minami from the inside. He knows Natsume is unreachable. He is a fish upon the sky, and Minami didn't know how to fish or what he would do to reach for the sky. He is stuck in the ground, while Natsume blinks upon the night sky. Fate has been kind enough to let them meet personally but is also cruel enough that he couldn't reach out for him. Because no matter how close Natsume is, all Minami can do is to gaze at him from a distance and keep his hands to himself so that he wouldn't ruin what they have so far.
If Minami just declined the dinner invite then none of these would've happened to him. If he didn't seek out and listen to all of his songs, and watched all of his interviews, and read everything written about him on the internet then maybe the fruitless love in his chest wouldn't grow and he could breathe freely.
What a cruel prank played on him.
Minami is so deep into his thoughts that he didn't realise that the coffee machine was ready, and he didn't hear the front door open. A sigh then ended all his pathetic feelings about himself. Dwelling on such emotions is not good anyways, so he grabbed his cup and served himself some coffee.
It was then when Minami heard footsteps coming to the kitchen. Considering how late it is, there's a 50% chance that it didn't come from a human. Minami doesn't quite believe in the supernatural but he had a fair share of experiences and shivers. Swallowing his spit, Minami sets down his newly brewed coffee and waits for someone, or something, to emerge from the kitchen door.
A hand grabbed the kitchen door frame and Minami squeaked a bit. An unidentified silhouette appeared on the dark yonder and he took note where the nearest weapon, or salt, rests. Blinking once and twice, Minami waited for the silhouette with his guards up soaring in the sky. It is moving slowly, and he's ready to grab anything in his arm length as a weapon.
But all the agitation in his chest died down as the silhouette, no, the man, finally revealed himself. Green messy locks that hung so low along the head, a plastic tube connected to the black backpack attached to both of his ears, that very familiar grey coat, white shirt and black pants, and that Aves script on his other hand. There's no way Minami wouldn't know.
“S-Sena-san?”
Minami dropped everything he's holding on the table and approached the struggling Natsume. The idol wouldn't respond when he called him and it worried Minami so much. Natsume looked so tired. The sight of the nasal cannula and the opened script on his hand broke Minami's heart. Natsume is clearly in a bad state and yet he's still trying to rehearse for the play. Based on the feedback on Twitter, it seemed like the concert was a huge success. That means Natsume had pushed himself to his limits, considering that he did three shows before coming to the concert. Minami's fist curled up into a tight ball. In his years of being an idol fan, this is probably the most heartbreaking sight he could ever witness in his entire life.
“Sena-san?” Minami called once again and this time, Natsume seemed like he's brought back to reality. Under Natsume's ocean blue gaze, Minami would definitely melt. But the fatigue it reflects brought tightness into his chest that he just wanted to pull Natsume in a hug and let him rest into his arms until he's all well again.
“Uhm, A-are you alright?” A stupid question that made Minami curse himself a million times. Of course he's not alright. Even if he says he doesn't need help, with just the way he shivers clearly says he's not in his best state.
Natsume blinked once, then twice, before realising who's in front of him. A soft sigh escaped from his mouth before unconsciously took a step near Minami, which he mirrored and took one step closer to him.
“Fuji… saki… saー”
“Sena-san!”
Minami thanked his mother for his quick thinking and reflexes that he's able to catch Natsume before he passed out completely and hit the cold ground. He then thanked his father for his physical strength that Natsume can put all his weight onto him like nothing.
There, in the Kingdom dorm's kitchen at 1:57 AM, Minami held the passed out Natsume in his arms.
… But no matter how much Minami wanted to celebrate, or combust in happiness, there's no way this is a time for that. Natsume had passed out before reaching his bedroom. The fact that the rooms are on the other way means that he is heading for the kitchen and not for his room. What is Natsume's plan? Why did he go to the kitchen instead of his bedroom?
Why isn't he in the hospital?
Eyes widened, Minami reached for his pocket to grab his phone but then he realised that he dropped it on the other kitchen counter beside the coffee machine. Shit, he cursed himself. After deciding that he should lay Natsume down first before grabbing his phone, Minami slowly and carefully sweeps Natsume off the ground and in seconds, the idol is already resting in his arms. Resisting to peak on Natsume, Minami made his way to the lounge, which is thankfully located only a hallway down.
Cautious with his every move, after removing his backpack, Minami laid the passed out Natsume down the couch. Fortunately, the couch is long enough to hold a 5'10 footer comfortably. Minami was about to fetch his phone when he noticed that the tube in Natsume's nose got misplaced. He fell down into his knee as he carefully placed the tube back into its place.
And there it is. Fate was cruel enough to give Minami a fruitless love yet, it is kind enough to give him a chance to gaze at the peaceful face of his love.
Minami's hands dropped in his side as he softly traced lines in Natsume's face with his gaze. He noticed even the tiniest details like how there's still a little bit of makeup left, or how his lips are a bit chapped, or how thick his eyelashes are, or how his glasses blocked an entire view. To hell with those thick glasses that hides an entirely another person.
Swallowing, Minami then brought his hand up again to remove Natsume's glasses. He took extra precautions in his moves so that he wouldn't wake the sleeping idol. Slowly and carefully, Minami successfully took Natsume's glasses off.
…
Damn.
He's…
He's never gonna be mine, right?
Minami's jaw clenched at the sudden painful realization. He knows it very well. If he would write an essay on why there's no way he would reach Natsume, it's not going to be an essay but an entire book. He's been through this so many times. He wanted to laugh at himself for thinking he has a chance on him. To Natsume, Minami is nothing but another fan. Nothing more. Nothing less.
I should stop.
I should…
I-
Minami's brain flushed out every of its contents when he felt a soft touch in his hand. It felt so cold, yet so soft that he didn't want to let it go. Then, the feeling of satisfaction rushed through his veins like he finally did something he's been meaning to do for a long time. Another dream achieved. Another wish came true. Minami didn't know what he was doing. His gaze is still fixed on Natsume and all he can see is his face. He blinked once, then twice. On the third time, everything finally sinks in.
His right hand unconsciously found its way on Natsume's cheeks. Not just that, but his face is also a few inches away from the other.
Minami panicked inside. What, why, how- He doesn't know what's happening. He wanted to get away yet he couldn't move. He felt like time has frozen and he's going to be stuck in there forever. He wanted to get away yet why did he feel his thumb run across Natsume's cheeks softly? Minami didn't want to ruin anything, yet when he feels the surge of selfishness in his chest, it's not going to be long before it takes over his entire body.
I'm so sorry, Sena-san. I'm so sorry for being selfish…
“Fujisaki-san's hand is really warm…”
A soft and dreamy voice is all it takes to move the frozen time in Minami's world. His body nudges, eyes widens, and hands stiffens. Words are suddenly stuck in his throat, and heart drummed so fast and loud they could pass a marching band. Natsume's eyes fluttered open and when it met Minami's bloody one, it sent the blonde flying a little that his side slammed onto the edge of the coffee table not a few inches away from them.
“FU- OUCH-” Minami hissed in pain as his hand rubbed the aching part, hoping it would ease the pain a little. It's alright, he thought. This is his punishment for being so selfish.
“A-are you alright?” The half awake Natsume asked as he heard Minami's cries. Without his glasses, he really cannot see anything so he shifted his position a little bit so that he's facing the suffering Minami.
“Th- That should be my question for you.” Minami said as he tried to compose himself, still rubbing the aching part of his sides. “Are you alright? You passed out in the kitchen.” Minami is good at this game. Pretending like everything's normal on the outside but is screaming and exploding and combusting on the inside.
“Ah…” Natsume's voice is low and soft. “I'm sorry I caused you some trouble.”
“It's alright. I was about to call an ambulance thou-”
“Please don't.” The firmness in Natsume's voice caught Minami off guard. It's still weak and soft, but is strong enough to stop Minami from moving an inch. “I'm really okay.”
“But-”
“Please.”
Minami can't say anything. He wanted to argue back but he feels like it's going to be useless. This is a new side of Natsume he just discovered; that he can be really really stubborn. All he can do is release a soft sigh.
“... If I needed help then I should've gotten it earlier.” Natsume tried to explain when he heard no response from Minami. “I'm really fine. I just need some rest.”
Common sense won and Minami retreated from the plan of bringing Natsume to the hospital. It's true. Natsume should be in the hospital right now if it's really that serious. Minami then cursed himself once again for over reacting.
“Alright.” The ache in Minami's side has already disappeared. He wanted to get away from the scene as soon as possible or else the ghost of what he did in the past would come and haunt his ass for sure. “At least rest in your room. I'll help you walk.”
“Fujisaki-san, can I ask you a favour?”
“Sure. What is it?”
“... Can I hold your hand until I fall asleep?”
On June 18th, 2:03 in the morning, the midnight air is cold. In some parts of the world, they're blessed with peaceful darkness and rest. Those, however, who decide to venture have the stars to guide them to their destination. From the biggest elephant to the littlest fly, the gophers underground, and the birds in sky had all gone to rest (probably). Everything where the peaceful darkness reigns lays in tranquility.
On June 18th, 2:03 in the morning, Minami Fujisaki's entire body decided to stop functioning.
The approximately 700 billion cells in Minami's body decided to program chaos, his states of being are in constant state of war. Just like in that one Spongebob meme, his brain cells run around his head in mayhem while the entire place burns. They sounded the alarm when the host froze in place, eyes widened, and jaw slightly opened.
Minami Fujisaki's soul has ceased to exist.
“Not good?” Natsume's tone sounded a little disappointed and sad, just like a child who got rejected by their mother during play time. And Good lord, that didn't help Minami a lot.
“Wait, wait, wait, wait--” Minami's heart drummed so loud in his ears that he cannot hear his own voice anymore. “... Eh?” is the only word he can manage.
“I find your hands really warm,” Natsume sensed the confusion in Minami's tone, but he's dense enough not to notice that his fellow actor is malfunctioning right in front of him.
“You see, Haru used to hold my hands when we were young. It's so warm that I am able to fall asleep peacefully. I thought I'd never get to feel that warmth again but,” Natsume's hand landed softly in his cheeks where Minami's ghostly touch still exists. “Fujisaki-san's hand has the same warmth.”
“That's why…” Natsume then raised his hand, palms widely opened, inviting Minami's warm hand into his. There are no words needed. In that moment, when Natsume's ocean blue gaze and Minami's burning red ones clashed, they eliminated the use of words to understand each other. In that moment, both can feel that their hearts are connected.
But Minami doesn't want to fall deeper. He doesn't want the knife in his chest thrust deeper into his heart. Yet, Natsume's hand looks so cold, and once again, selfishness reigned his entire body. The once chaotic head of Minami had calmed down. Seems like those little Spongebob in his head hasn't stopped the fire yet but they all sat down and watched the entire scene like a movie, not even bothering to help him. Even though he doesn't need to think about it, his body and his heart knows what he wants.
Slowly and surely, Minami raised his hand and not long after, the two breaths walking's fingers intertwined together.
‘Ah. As I thought, his hand is really cold…’
‘Warm… It's so warm…’
“Thank you, Fujisaki-san.” Natsume's tone emits peace. He sounded like he finally found the comfort he's been looking for his entire life. That assured Minami that what he's doing is the right thing. It's alright to be selfish at this moment. As long as Natsume's happy and warm, it's alright if the knife in his chest gets deeper.
Minami then sat on the floor beside Natsume. It didn't take too long before they got comfortable with each other; their connected hands on the top of Natsume's chest and Minami's head fell into his arms.
“You used to do this with Haruka-san?” Minami asked. Natsume nodded and earned a chuckle from Minami. “Sena-san is surprisingly childish, huh. First time hearing it.”
“I can't help it. When you're in this industry, you need to be perfect for them so you tend to hide everything they wouldn't like.” The fatigue started running in Natsume's nerves once again, making his eyelids heavier than they usually are.
Minami's gaze fell on the floor. There's so many things he didn't know about Natsume. The Natsume in those interviews are not like the Natsume in Kingdom dorms. The theater actor Natsume Sena is more childish, more flawed, more imperfect. It seems like the moment he removed his glasses, the idol Natsume would push down all his deficiencies into the darkest corner of his soul and become someone that caters to other people.
Minami wanted to see all of it. He wanted to see every last bit of the true and made-up Natsume. He wanted to embrace it, love it, and cherish it. He wanted to be that person. That's why it's alright if they stayed as friends. At least, the wall between them is not thick enough that he couldn't just reach for him and touch him, even though it's only a friendly pat in the back.
“Fujisaki-san likes Haru's group right?” Minami then shifted the position of his head so that his gaze could meet Natsume, and he discovered something. At this point, Natsume's brain is half asleep. His eyelids had fallen close but he still continued talking as if he fell unconscious, everything would end. Minami thinks this side of Natsume is cute. So cute that an unconscious smile formed in his lips.
“Uhuh.” Minami answered as he lovingly stared at the fast falling asleep Natsume. “They're good. I love them.”
“Hmm…” Natsume can only hum. It's obvious that he's heading towards sleep wonderland with a bullet train.
“I wish somebody would love me just like how you love them.”
“So many people are already loving you, what do you mean?”
“I feel like your kind of love is different.”
“... How so?”
“I feel like they're warm. Really really warm.”
“...”
“Haru is really lucky… huh…”
And a dreamy sigh escaped from Natsume's lips, signaling that he had already arrived at his destination; the dream wonderland.
Minami shifted his position once again, his cheeks landing on his free palm and supporting his entire head. Gaze is still fixed at the ever so peaceful Natsume.
‘You're so cruel, Sena-san.’
‘Saying all those things to me while I yearn for you…’
‘Don't worry, I am more than willing to pour all this warm love to you and you only.’
‘... Would you let me though?’
The human person is born selfish. It's a survival instinct and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. But when Minami slowly inched his face closer to Natsume, lips landing on the idol's forehead, it felt so surreal. It feels right and wrong at the same time. It feels painful yet the butterflies in his stomach eases them as they flutter around. Minami might've been possessed by the demon of selfishness because at that moment, he feels like only the two of them matters in the entire universe.
“Goodnight, Sena-san.”