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Buck tensed the moment he heard the door to the house open. He could hear muffled voices as Athena and Bobby talked. There was talking and then there was shouting and screaming. Buck just wanted to curl up and die right then and there. This was exactly what he didn't want to happen. He never wanted to put Athena or Bobby out and make them fight over him like this.
He felt like a child again. Hiding in his room as his parents fought. He hated it then and he hates it now. It was worse this time around. Who else could say that they had two different sets of parents fighting about him?
Buck could feel his thoughts circling in his head in despair. Why did he have to keep fucking up? Why couldn't he be a good son, a good firefighter, a good coworker? Why did he have to mess everything up all the time?
None of this would've happened if he had just been better. If he just sucked it up and not be so exhausting! He would have his family, possibly his job back and he certainly wouldn’t be here contemplating about escaping to that bridge again.
He just cupped his ears and tried to block it all out. Not just the screaming but the horrible dark thoughts in his head that wouldn’t shut up!
“Buck…?”
Buck jerked his head up at the sound of his name. He saw Bobby half inside the room peering in. Buck quickly uncurled himself and he tried to discreetly wipe away his tears. He hadn’t realized he was crying until he felt the coolness on his face as he uncurled from his legs.
“H-Hey…” Buck cringed at the crack in his voice.
“I assume that you heard everything.”
Buck gave Bobby a side look, before looking down and shrugging. He didn’t really. He was too busy trying not to hear the shouting to hear what was actually said.
“Athena told me what happened.” Bobby started gently as he came into the room. “Would it be okay if I talked to you about it?”
"Bobby, I just want to say how sorry I am for all of this!" Buck rushed to say. "I never meant for any of this to happen! I would never want to put you out of your own house! Or-Or have Athena so mad at you!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Bobby raised his hands in surrender. "Calm down. That's quite enough."
Buck shut his mouth with a click. There was so much regret and worry bluntly showing on his face at the situation. The underlying fear shining bright in his red rimmed eyes is what hurt Bobby the most though.
He never thought his actions to hold Buck back would result in this. He hadn't felt this much guilt and regret since he lost his own family in that fire so long ago. He fucked up and Buck was paying the price.
"I fucked up kid." Bobby told him and watched Buck's eyes grow wide in disbelief. "I caused this, not you."
"No..." Buck shook his head. "I'm the fuck up. I should've listened to you and then none of this would've ever happened. I should've never started that stupid lawsuit. I should've sucked it up and stopped being so exhausting."
"Stop." Bobby said firmly. "You listen to me, understand?"
Buck stopped and nodded his head.
"You're not a fuck up, no matter what people say or what you may think. You're not exhausting. And you had every right to sue me and the state." Bobby told him. "What I did was wrong, and you acted accordingly. I don't know how much you overheard..."
"Not a lot," Buck interrupted. "I...don't like it when people fight about me. So, I tuned it out."
Bobby frowned at that. He knew that there was more behind that, but that was for another day. One step at a time. First, he had to get Buck to listen to him and then, get him to believe in Bobby again.
"I wasn't ready for you to come back to work." Bobby admitted. "It wasn't you that wasn't ready. Hell, you broke records to be recertified! You were ready but I wasn't. It was my fault that your leg was crushed. It was my fault that you got hurt and then everything afterwards. I had to watch you go through PT and struggle to walk again and that broke something inside of me."
"Bobby, that wasn't your fault." Buck whispered softly. "You weren't the one who blew up the truck. You can't blame yourself for that."
"But I do Buck." Bobby looked at him with tears in his eyes. "I put Fred's father away leading to the unfortunate events leading up to the explosion."
"Exactly Bobby. They were unfortunate events." Buck pointed out. "It's not like you planted the bomb yourself and detonated it."
"I may as well have." Bobby told him.
"I don't blame you. None of it. I don't fault you for what happened to me." Buck said as he looked straight into Bobby's eyes. "I couldn't blame you even if I tried because I know it wasn't your fault."
"I hear you Buck and I'm relieved to hear it." Bobby said with a sigh. "I still blame myself for what happened but it's nice to hear that you don't blame me even though I think you should."
"I would never." Buck stated firmly. "Never would I blame you for what happened."
"I'm glad to hear that. You have no idea how much guilt I've carried from this, knowing you were hurt like that." Bobby started. "And I want to extend this feeling to you. I will forever feel some guilt for what part I played on that day, but also know that it wasn't your fault either. You got hurt, you fought to get better, you gave us another scare on more than one occasion."
"Sorry..." Buck looked down in shame. God, he was such an idiot.
"No, don't be." Bobby scolded softly. "You fought to get back to us despite everything and then I stone walled you."
"But Bobby-" Bobby held up his hand interrupting Buck.
"No buts. I was scared for you to come back. I wasn't acting like your Captain when I did that. I acted like you were my son putting himself back into danger and as a father I reacted without logic. I didn't want to see you get hurt again. I couldn't stand the thought. So, I acted like any father would to stop his child from getting hurt. I kept you at the station and refused to let you on calls because of my fear. I abused my power trying to protect you, or at least I thought I was protecting you. But I just hurt you more."
"But if I wasn't so reckless or stupid, then you might not have felt that why." Buck tried to explain, making Bobby feel worse.
"First of all, you're not stupid and I will talk to anyone who tells you otherwise!" Bobby's voice rose with his emotions. "And second, yes, you can be reckless sometimes, but your heart is always in the right place."
"I don't think suing you and the department was the way to go. That was stupid of me, and you know it." Buck argued.
"Everyone makes mistakes Buck, and I do agree that maybe suing the department wasn't the best idea, but suing me, that was." Bobby told Buck.
"I don't understand."
"Buck if you hadn't done what you did, I don't know if I would've let you back to active duty." Bobby admitted to Buck.
Buck gasped slightly as he felt his world tilt once more. So, he was right. Bobby was never going to let him back on the team. He wasn't good enough.
"You are good enough."
Buck didn't realize he said that out loud.
"It was me!" Bobby pushed. "I was the one that wasn't good enough. I wasn't a good Captain to you, and I know that now. You will always be good enough for the job Buck. You were made to be a Firefighter."
"Do-Do you really mean that?" Buck's voice broke, tears were gathering again ready to fall. "You don't think I'm stupid or not good enough?"
"Of course not." Bobby stated firmly, putting a hand on Buck's arm in comfort.
"And I haven't disappointed you?" Buck asked softly.
"What?" Bobby stared in shock. "Of course not! What made you think that?"
"After the lawsuit, I wasn't allowed on calls. At first, I was okay because I knew that was my punishment for everything I had done, but then, you never lifted it. So, I threw myself into the chores and did everything I could to prove to you that I was ready, but it was never enough. I wasn’t enough." Buck rubbed his hands nervously as he glanced at Bobby. "It was only recently that I was allowed back, but even up until now everything I did never seemed good enough for you and you always seemed disappointed in me."
"God Buck," Bobby looked up to the ceiling looking for strength. "I'm so sorry I made you feel that way. I could never apologize enough for that. I don't know what I can do to make it up to you, but as long as you need me, I'm here. I want to help you, Buck. If you'd let me?"
"I don't know if I can Bobby." Buck said honestly. "I want to, but after everything that's happened. I don't know if I can."
"That's okay." Bobby sighed. It hurt to hear Buck say that, but he understood. "I did you wrong and it's okay not to trust or forgive me."
"I forgive you Bobby." Buck told him. "I forgave you a long time ago because you're my family, at least I thought I was."
"You are! You still are Buck." Bobby interrupted him. "I may not have been treating you like it and that's on me, but you are family. I'm here to help you. You don't have to trust me or even want my help but I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."
"Thank you."
"Anytime, kid." Bobby smiled a little.