Chapter Text
Friday mornings were always the hardest to get out of bed for Rick.
It hadn’t always been like that. At one point in his life friday mornings had been his favorite time of the week, waking up knowing that the weekend was merely hours away, turning to his sleeping wife and wondering what she was dreaming. Going in to Carl’s room in their old house and kissing him good morning. Laughing over Lori’s burnt pancakes and sipping on fresh coffee.
In those days it had always felt like fridays were the beginning and not the end.
It was increasingly hard for him to remember what he had back then, even if he tried. It all seemed like a distant dream of someone elses life.
Sometimes he would lay in bed careful not to open his eyes and try to manifest those happier times. Like he could will the end of the world and the era of walkers away with his mind. He would stay like that for as long as he could, but his thoughts always brought him back to present time, where fridays meant unwelcome visitors and endless hours of frustration and humiliation. In the end he always knew in those moments laying there that he had no choice and left his daydream to go do what was needed. His feet would hit the hardwood floor and he would start his day. No matter what he wanted or wished for, fridays never changed after Negan and his Saviours had made their appearence at the gates of Alexandria.
This day was no different than the others. He stood staring at himself in the bathroom mirror, mentally preparing for another pickup. He had lost count of how many visits they’d had since he was forced to his knees in that clearing, but he was sure there had been at least twenty of them. Each one more aggravating and demeaning than the other.
In the beginning he had been numb with fear and acted accordingly, never looking up at Negan, eyes always down on the ground, answering questions and finishing them with ‘sir’. Head filled with fresh memories of Carl’s arm stretched out on that white gravel and his desperate pleas ringing in his ears: It can be me. You can do it to me.
He saw his glassy stare in the mirror and shook his head.
You need to get ready. There’s no time for this shit, you have to get it toghether.
Lately his fear had subsided somewhat and evolved into something else. When he thought of Negan he was filled with a blinding white hate, it felt as if one of Daryl’s arrowheads was slowly making its way through his heart.
He had a hard time hiding this from Negan, and during the last two pickups he had spent all his energy trying to repress his feelings. He knew that Negan expected full cooperation, but not only that, he also expected Rick to be thankful for his mercy: That he would only claim what they had scavenged in the last week and not any Alexandrian lives. The threat of that happening was always on the table though. Rick knew that and so did everyone else that had been on their knees that night. Negan saw the world as black and white, either you were with him, or you were punished. There was no in between, and Rick knew that he had to play along to keep everyone he loved and cared for safe.
«Dad, they’re here.» Carl stood in the doorway looking at him splashing cold water in his face. He turned around, confused.
«They’re here? Now? But its only nine o’ clock. Why would they come this early in the morning?»
Carl shrugged.
«Hell if I know.»
His son turned around and left to see Judith. She was still in her crib, playing with a rubber duck that Carl had found in a Wallmart they’d raided two weeks ago. She would not part with that duck. It made a squeaky noise when you pinched its belly, and every time she heard that sound she laughed her little laugh which always went straight to Rick’s heart.
Rick could hear them talking and Carl singing her a song. For a moment he stood there and let his ears fill his head with the calming, healing sound of his children playing together. It was not long before the ratteling noise of Alexandria’s gate being opened interrupted him, and he reached for the towel and dried off his hands and face.
He went to his bedroom and put on his torn jeans and blue button-down before he turned the corner and looked in Judiths room.
«You stay here while I go and talk to them», he said to Carl.
His son knew very well that that was the routine during pickups. Normally Carl and Judith would stay away from Negan and the Saviours, often they would hide in the attic of Aarons house, where they had created a playroom for Judith. She would also stay there with Aaron and Carl when Rick was out scavenging. Rick figured that if Negan never saw them, he would be less likely to think of them as his property. And he would not have to worry about Carl challenging Negan with his teenage tantrums.
He left the house in a rush to reach the gate before the Saviours could get to any of the Alexandrians enjoying their breakfast or morning cup of coffee on the porch.
Rick’s idea was that by keeping Negan focused on him, he could decrease the risk of any potential confrontation between the Saviours and his people. It had worked well so far, and Negan seemed to be content in aiming all of his attention at Rick. Sometimes it felt like they were the only two people inside the gates. When Negan was there he seemed to block out the rest of the world, like he was a giant casting a big, blurry shade over his surroundings.
He reached the gate and saw them pouring out of the cars. Negan jumped out of his black truck and Rick could see that his eyes were scanning the street, looking for something. When they met Rick’s, they stopped searching and he started walking towards him while keeping eyecontact. Rick fought the urge to turn around and run. He kept his stance but averted his eyes to the ground, staring at his boots. Negan didn’t stop untill he was merely inches away, Rick could see his black boots next to his own. He always did this, crowded Rick, making him feel smaller by standing so close that he was towering over him. He clenched his fists and could feel his nails digging into his palms.
«Well good morning there», Negan said over his head. «Did you miss me?»
Rick didn’t answer. He knew that would only lead him on and create more questions. Negan seemed to love prodding and poking at Rick every chance he got, as if he was trying to get under his skin, wanting to make him explode. Always testing him, pushing him. It was best to keep it short and focused on the task at hand; the offering of this weeks tribute.
Rick noticed that today something was different. Negan just stood there, waiting. Rick craned his head back and looked at him, wondering what was going on, and felt a slight tingling of fear deep in his stomach. Even though Negan’s words could be intimidating and downright annoying, his silence was definitely more frightening. He stared into his eyes, he had a strange look in them, one that Rick had never seen before.
«I’m waitin’», he simply said.
Rick blinked, he tried to remember the question but he couldn’t. Something about the way Negan looked at him made his thoughts all messy and mixed-up, like he had lost all reason.
«What do you want me to say», he answered. It seemed like the safest option. Negan decided everything else, so why not this as well?
«Well, I think you’ve missed me a great deal, and you couldn’t wait to lay your eyes on me again», Negan said, a wolfy grin on his face. «Just look at the way you sprinted here to see me, you were in a fuckin’ hurry for sure!»
Rick scoffed.
«Whatever you say, Negan.» He turned his head and squinted down the street, checking to see if there were any Alexandrians nearby that could listen in on the conversation. He didn’t like where this was going and didn’t want anyone else to hear.
In the blink of an eye, Negans arm shot out and his hand grabbed Ricks jaw, turning his face back towards him in a steel grip.
«Did you fuckin’ forget somethin’?», he asked in a tone that matched the strength in his fingers.
Rick froze, his eyes widening in fear. It reminded him of when he was grabbed that same way in the forrest. He started shaking and his breath came in shallow bursts as memories of that moment came crashing back into his mind. You belong to me!
He looked at Negan, his mind running wild. All of his resolve from this morning evaporated in the burning heat from the other man’s eyes.
«Rick. Answer the damn question», Negan commanded, eyebrow raised in a dare.
Rick opened his mouth, not sure what Negan was after. What did he want from him?
«I.. I don’t -I ..», he said, unable to finish, voice broken. Then it came to him.
«Sir», he blurted out.
Negan relaxed the grip somewhat and his eyes scanned Ricks face, searching.
«Right», he said. «That’s good Rick! You remembered! Atta boy», he added in a mocking tone and turned to his men who were all watching the scene with quriosity.
«Allright, you know what to do. Arat, make sure we get the full tribute. Don’t want these people to think they can keep shit from us, now do we?» There was a playful expression on his face, like this was all fun and games to him.
He still had his hand cupping Ricks jaw and turned his attention back to him while his men spread out, looking for possessions to claim. Rick felt himself shrink.
«Rick. You and I are goin’ for a walk.»
He let go of his face, and grabbed the collar of his shirt instead.
«Lets go to the graveyard. Such fond memories there», he smirked and dragged Rick along. He had to jog alongside him to keep up and not fall flat on his face.
They reached the corner where the Alexandrians had buried their loved ones. It was surrounded by rosebushes and shrubbery, so no-one could really see them from the road. Rick did not like the feeling of being separated from the rest of the town, he glanced nervously at Negan and then flickered back in the direction of the church. He wondered if anyone had seen him being dragged there. Maybe they would come.
Negan released him and shoved him further in, making him loose his footing. When he regained it, he turned to Negan, his hands shaking.
«Wh- what do you want?» he asked. He just wanted to get out of there, get on with the pickup, get it over with.
«I just wanna talk to you. Jeez, fuckin’ relax will ya? Why do you always have that stick up your ass?» Negan grinned. «Let’s be friends, Rick! I want to get to know you, and I need you to know me».
Rick shook his head, not following.
«There’s no need for that. We should get back. Sir.» His voice raspy. He took one step towards the street.
«Stop. Right. There.»
He did so without thinking, stopped short. Silently cursing himself for blindly obeying the command.
«You think you’re callin’ the fucking shots here, Rick? You think you have a goddamn say?»
Negan had a gleeful expression of disbelief on his face, like he was genuinely surprised that Rick wanted to leave. His tall frame leaning back, the bat on his shoulder.
«Now, I’ve been very patient with you, Rick. How long have we known eachother for? What, it’s like four months now?» He didn’t wait for an answer.
«And in those months you have fuckin’ delivered, Rick! I mean, you people are my top producers, I shit you not! Now, normally that would mean that we’d all sit around the campfire together singin’ kumbayah by now. Only thing is, you’re still lookin’ at me like I shit in your breakfast, and it’s gettin’ fucking old. I can’t have that. You need to clean up your act and get the fuck onboard, Rick!»
Rick couldn’t believe it. What the hell did he want that Rick wasn’t already giving? He was out there every day busting his ass to make it work, to keep Negan happy. What more could he possibly do? He looked at him with an angry glare, and before he could calm himself, he felt his face flushing, his heartbeat booming in his ears.
«Yes I have delivered for you! I have done everything you want, and still you want more? You are unbelievable! I have nothing more to give to you! Nothing!!», he yelled and pointed a finger in his face, two steps closer to the tall man while doing so.
The light-hearted expression on Negan’s face changed in a splitsecond. His eyes went black and venomous. He reached out to grab the smaller man and Rick lunged backwards to avoid his grip, taking several stumbling steps until his back hit the wall of the house next to the graveyard. Negan was right there, a hand squeezed around Rick’s throat.
«You do not speak to me like that. It will not end well for you. Do you understand?» Negan’s hand tightened even more and the added pressure made Rick see stars. His hands shot up and shoved at Negan’s chest, desperate to get away. It was like trying to move a brick wall, there was no give.
«You will give me whatever I want, you get that? If I say I want your house, you say yes. If I want your car, you say yes. And if I say I want your kids, you say yes.»
He didn’t yell or shout, he spoke very slowly, like he wanted Rick to have time to let the words sink in. Hearing his kids being mentioned made Rick freeze. He stopped struggling, his arms fell down to his side and his face went blank with fear.
«Do you get what I’m sayin’, Rick?»
Rick nodded franticly. «Y-yes, yes, I- I get it, I’ll do it, whatever you want, just- just please….please. Not my children», he wheezed through his teeth. His eyes flickered between Negan’s, devastated that he might have put Carl and Judith in danger by defying him.
Negan smiled and gently put Lucille up against the wall. «Well, there is this one thing.»
The next thing he knew Negan bent down, his face so close that the tips of their noses met. They stared at eachother for what seemed to be minutes, their breaths mixing in the warm sunrise. Negan shot him a mischievous glance, like he wanted to see if the smaller man would stop him.Then he pressed his lips against Rick’s.
To Rick it was like all of this was happening in slowmotion. He felt Negan’s lips move, his beard scratching against his chin, his free hand moving up his chest and to the back of his head to grasp the curls there, tugging them lightly. The hand around his throat eased its grip somewhat.
Rick was in utter and complete shock. He blinked and blinked as if he only needed to clear his eyes to get back to a reality where he would never risk being kissed by his sworn enemy in a graveyard. He heard Negan groan against his lips, and the sound made him crash back into the moment. He tore his lips away from Negan’s by violently turning his head.
«Wh- what- the hell are you doing!?»
Negan didn’t move an inch. Rick could feel his breath on his face.
«I’m just letting you know what I want, Rick. I thought I had made that fucking clear by now. What I want, you produce. And what I want right now is for you to enjoy me kissing you. But hey, if you don’t want to deliver, maybe I should go get whatever else is on my list», he said in a threatening tone.
Rick knew then and there that what it meant was that either he did this or his children would suffer the consequences. He went completely numb, panting, the words ringing in his ears.
«Open your mouth, Rick», Negan commanded.
There was no mercy there, only a will stronger than his.
«Open your fuckin’ mouth.» There was silence. Neither man moved.
«Now.»
Rick slowly turned his head back facing Negan once more. With a broken sound he closed his eyes and opened his mouth. Negan immediately went in for a second kiss, this time he shoved his tongue into Rick’s mouth and started consuming him. It was forceful, greedy and wet, and it seemed to last an eternity. Rick was pinned between the wall and Negan with nowhere to go. In those minutes he could not think, speak or move, he could only be. He stood there taking it, eyes closed, his mouth open, arms limp, his heart beating out of his chest. He did not return the kiss, but he could feel Negan trying to get him to, his tounge swirling and lapping at Rick’s. For the first time in his life he really felt like he was owned. It struck him hard, like glass shattering on a concrete floor. Broken and impossible to reassemble.
All of a sudden he was let go of, and when he opened his eyes he saw the back of Negan’s leather jacket as he was casually walking between rosebushes towards the street. He did not turn back to look at him, and no more words were exchanged.
Rick stood there blinking and shaking up against the wall, not sure what had just happened and what his part was in it. Gradually he regained control of his body and left the graves, trying to catch up with Negan.