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Junhui stared down at his sheet of lines, feeling hollow.
He recorded another song with the rest of the band. Four seconds of chorus lines.
Is his voice not good enough?
Junhui practiced until his throat couldn’t take it anymore.
It’s been hours and he goes to the bathroom, splashing water on his face.
You did this last time too, he thought.
You did this last time. It wasn’t enough. You didn’t improve.
It’s not enough.
Junhui tried doing an easy scale exercise. His voice cracked on the second note.
Not good enough.
He coughed, wheezing and raspy.
A lower one.
Still, his voice cracked.
Still terrible.
Terrible.
Bad.
Bad.
Bad.
Bad.
*
Junhui wasn’t doing good. Everything started to become wrong and he was getting overwhelmed. The disappointment in his trainers’ voices.
You’re better than this.
You can do better.
You used to be able to do this. Why can’t you do it now?
Junhui was sorry. He wanted to apologize and tell everyone he could do better. They were right.
I can’t do better.
He’s tried.
He’s tried until he almost passed out three times the following day.
He worked so hard. He became worse.
What happened?
**
He doesn’t know where everything went wrong. He thinks it was somewhere around the time when he tripped over something during dance practice, throwing himself out of formation.
Not good enough.
Junhui bit back a sob.
‘Okay. Everyone stop.’ Junhui’s blood ran cold.
‘Junhui, what is wrong with you lately? You’ve messed up countless times in the past few weeks! You used to be so good at this, but now everyone’s progressing and you’re not! ’
Junhui kept his eyes to the floor.
Junhui, what is wrong with you? You’ve messed up countless times. You used to be so good. Now you’re not.
I know.
I know I’m not good enough for you guys anymore.
I’ve never been good enough.
Tears started to drip down his face while his lip quivered. His hands twisted behind his back, grappling with each other and leaving red scratch marks on each other.
He knows that he probably didn’t hear Minghao’s full sentence, but he got what’s important. He got what brings along the message.
His legs felt numb and tingly.
Not here.
Junhui sucked in a shaky, deep breath, interrupted by an uncontrollable sob.
No. Not here. Junhui, you’re better than this, don’t break down here. Not in front of everyone.
His heart rate was too fast. His breathing got erratic and he started to sway, tears flowing freely.
Everything outside his mind felt distorted and blurry. Someone was coming towards him. He doesn’t know who. He doesn’t even recognize his voice.
What is he saying? He looks mad.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I made you mad.
I’m sorry I made you mad.
I know I’m not the best. I’m trying.
I’m trying so hard.
He doesn’t know how he got here, but he’s sitting down. His hands were now in front of him and his legs felt unusable, tingling and feeling odd. One of his hands came out and started hitting it with a closed fist. Another hand belonging to someone else came out to stop it.
Junhui yanked his hand away, mind whirling.
Another hand came out and grabbed his arm. His shoulder. Junhui shook his head wildly, trying to tell them to go away. It came out as a terrified scream and he flailed until he unceremoniously flung himself onto the floor.
His head hurt. He didn’t know if it was because of the panic, the sadness, or if he hit his head. He scrambled upright and faced away from everyone. Didn’t work. There was a mirror- People were swarming behind him. His coordination and estimation were way off so instead of putting his head in his arms on the floor he ended up just slamming his face into the floor, weeping and sobbing. He curled up, bringing his knees to his face. Someone approached him again and he sent a kick- much stronger than he intended- straight into the person’s stomach.
He heard someone yell and that was it. He curled back up and covered his head, shaking like a leaf.
You hurt someone. You hurt someone you know and love.
Why did you get so angry?
Junhui whispered out a tiny ‘i don’t know'.
It was something small. That was it. You messed up, you got scolded. Then you cry like this.
Pathetic.
Get up. Shut up. Keep going. You need to or you’re never going to improve.
People were yelling, and then someone was so much louder than the others and everyone shut up.
Junhui struggled to get himself back under control, trying to figure out what was happening. Back when Junhui had his first panic attack, he knew it was going to happen again. He searched up what to do afterwards.
Try and decipher what’s around you. Breathe slowly and deeply.
Okay, first, name what you can see.
A mirror. The floor. People.
What colour?
Mirrors don't have a colour, Junhui.
His mind felt fuzzy and weird. He continued trying to decipher his surroundings. Half the people were anxiously circling him while another half were swarming around another person, helping him up.
‘Holy shit,’ the person- who turned out to be Mingyu wheezed. ‘He’s got a strong kick,’ he muttered.
Strong? That must hurt. That must hurt so bad. Junhui whacked himself in the side of his head again. Bad.
Hurt. You hurt him.
That’s not right. Why can’t you do anything right?
Junhui started crying harder.
That’s not right either. You’re supposed to just suck it up. Carry on.
All you’re doing is making people worried. They shouldn’t be worried.
You’re stronger than this.
But Junhui’s saddened sobs never stopped.
You’re better than this.
You need to be better than this.
Junhui tried to stop. He tried to stop, he tried to be good and sit up, stop crying, regain composure and apologize to Mingyu, but he couldn’t do it.
Why can’t you do this?
It’s such a small and simple task. We need to continue with dance practice.
But you've already ruined everything.
Junhui felt a whole new wave of guilt washing over him, gentle on his body but harsh on his brain, sending it whirling.
Junhui felt like he was drowning again. He couldn’t breathe and speak, everything around him dissolved away, gently falling like rain from a cloud. He couldn’t think, couldn’t see. Everything blurred and disappeared, leaving him alone in his mind.
The darkness inside seemed to squish him like a bug underfoot.
Junhui, what is wrong with you? You’ve messed up countless times. You used to be so good. Now you’re not.
I know.
I know I’m not good enough for you guys anymore.
I’ve never been good enough.
You’re better than this.
You can do better.
You used to be able to do this. Why can’t you do it now?
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I made you mad.
I’m sorry I made you mad.
I know I’m not the best. I’m trying.
I’m trying so hard.
He cries and cries for the voices to stop, unsure of which are his own. He wanted warmth, comfort, some reassuring words to tell him that he’s doing fine and he just needs time to brush up on everything. He’s not the worst of the team. He’s not incompetent.
He wants warm hugs, gentle kisses on his head, ones that didn’t feel like fan service, ones that seemed genuine and real, a couple words of praise.
***
When he woke up, he was alone- at least he thought so.
He stared down into his lap. Everything still was hazy and he had trouble even realizing he was awake.
He felt a hand around his twitch, and someone jerked awake, breathing heavily. A hand flew up to his head and a strained hiss of pain followed. Junhui openly stared, watching glimmering tears fall out of his eyes. The person seemed to get a glimpse of him lying awake.
‘J-Junhui,’ he cried, launching himself at the weak boy. ‘I’m so… I’m s-so sorry…’ His voice started to break. Ah. Minghao. Most of it was Chinese, and he doubts that his family was here.
Junhui felt the wetness of Minghao’s tears through his thin shirt. His arms trembled as sobs tore through his body.
Junhui never saw Minghao like this. ‘D-Did I do something wrong?’ Junhui asked, his voice raspy.
‘N-No. You… You’re doing… You’re doing so great. I’m so proud of you,’ Minghao said, sentence interrupted by breathless sobs.
‘But you’re crying,’ Junhui said worriedly, about to raise his hand and lift Minghao up, before seeing a tube connected to his wrist. He frantically looked around.
Holy shit. I’m in a hospital.
He shook that thought away, paying more attention to Minghao. ‘You’re crying. I must’ve done something bad- Was I out for too long?’Junhui asked, only earning tightening arms.
‘No. No, you… you didn’t do anything… wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong. It… It was… me. It was me… I was too… too harsh. I was the one being bad, I treated you wrong, we all did, and we’re sorry. We’re so sorry,’ Minghao sobbed, curling further into Junhui.
‘B-But- But you said… You said I’m not good anymore,’ Junhui said, starting to tremble.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t mean it…’ Minghao wept.
Junhui was so confused. He was good?
‘You were doing so good, Hui. I was going too fast, I expected too much. I’m so sorry.’
‘You were fine, I was just too slow. I couldn’t catch up. Everyone was so good. I kept messing up,’ Junhui said, his lower lip starting to quiver as well. He wrapped both arms around Minghao.
‘Everyone was so good. You’re part of the 'everyone', Junhui. You were trying so hard, I’m so proud of you. I love you so much,’ Minghao said, voice trembling. Junhui started crying again and he pulled Minghao closer, squeezing the life out of him.
Junhui wanted this, exactly this- A warm hug and words of praise. Minghao sighed sadly.
‘Hey. What I wanted to say is that you’re doing so amazing right now, there’s no way you’ll be anything less than perfect. I want to take your hand, make sure you know just how much you mean to me. I need you to know that I love you so much, I couldn’t possibly live without you by my side. I know I’m not good at saying this,’ Minghao sniffled a little, before continuing. ‘I really appreciate you. I really do. I hope you know.’
Junhui smiled for the first time in weeks and he felt… Happy? Grateful?
He didn’t know, but whatever it was, it was good, and he wanted this moment to be forever and ever, savouring the feeling of warmth after many, many long days of cold.