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Warm lights, chilly air, and a bit of chatter and music. The perfect atmosphere to get drunk, Park Jihoon thought. The smell of barbecue lingers in the air as he sits in front of his friends. It was their batch reunion, and as much as Jihoon dreaded to go, Yoshi already put on his puppy face. Who could say no to that?
So here he is, in front of the grill, downing his shot of soju. "Hey." Yoshi whispered to him. "Don't look so grim! You're the party of this place!"
"I am not in the mood, Kanemoto." Jihoon said, pouring for what seemed to be the nth time. Yoshi grinned at the latter and placed his arm around his shoulder, "Nervous, aren't we?" Jihoon smiled at Yoshi and absentmindedly ate a piece of meat on the grill. He scrunched his face in disgust, "Who cooked this?" "Me!" The guy with black hair and brown highlights spoke up. "Choi Hyunsuk, let me grill them from now on." Jihoon smiled and took the tongs from Hyunsuk's hand. Hyunsuk laughed and shyly scratched his nape. Their friends started to appear one by one with Park Jeongwoo arriving last. The grim and dull atmosphere was immediately replaced by the Park duo, known for being the loudest of the batch. Jihoon’s mood lit up as soon as Jeongwoo arrived, choking him in a tight hug.
The loud clinks of bottles, sizzling sounds of meat, and the Parks’ voices filled the entire room. Attending the reunion may not be so bad after all, Jihoon thought. He found himself at the center stage, along with Jeongwoo, putting on a show for their former batchmates. They were forced to do a girl group dance medley in commemoration of their loss at the spin the bottle game. For a moment, Jihoon felt happy, a feeling that he had forgotten for a very long time. The duo finally sat down in their respective seats, chugging the cold beer to relinquish their thirst. The group played another round of spin the bottle, but was interrupted by Yoshi’s voice calling out the name he dreaded the most.
“Kim Junkyu! You came!”
The atmosphere grew quiet, staring at the tall, blonde man standing at the shop’s entrance. The group stood up one by one, high pitches of “Hello!” and “Where have you been?” were exchanged. Yoshi stared at Jihoon, “Aren’t you going to greet him?” Jihoon shook his head and stayed firm in his seat, sternly staring at Junkyu. The group warmly welcomed the newcomer to their table, immediately handing him a shot of soju.
Much to Jihoon’s surprise, he felt Junkyu’s presence beside him. The group exchanged glances, refusing to utter a word to prevent the growing awkwardness. Jihoon stared at him. It was the same Kim Junkyu seven years ago, and Jihoon was scared of this familiarity. He was scared of the same butterflies and the fast heartbeats. He knew that this was exactly what he felt like the first time he saw him.
Grade 7. First year, middle school. The year of new beginnings, potential mishaps, and maybe latent love. However, it was different for Park Jihoon. Staying in the same school for 5 years made things mundane for him. The “first day blues'' were gone, and all he could see was the same faces, voices, and friends. New faces every year, but this time, there’s a whole section dedicated to them. It was unusual for their school to do this, so Jihoon found this fascinating. He wanted to see what their faces looked like. Every flag ceremony, he would look at the line of that section until an appearance caught his attention. Brown hair, smiling eyes, and chubby cheeks. Name tags were not common in their institution so he could not take a glance at the boy’s name. It was not until 8th grade when they became seatmates in that year. It was also his first time learning the names of strangers. Kim Junkyu sounds like a pretty name for a pretty boy, he thought. Park Jihoon found himself laughing at the latter’s antics, smiling at his every gesture. He found himself crying along Junkyu’s sentiments about his best friend, Mashiho. He found himself singing along to Junkyu’s strums. He felt comfortable around Junkyu, until it’s time to switch the seating arrangements once again. They proceeded to go on with their own circles and they rarely talked after that.
Jihoon’s thoughts were interrupted by Jeongwoo’s arm draped around him. “Okay! Now that Junkyu’s here, let’s play another game.” He said cheerily, trying his hardest to divert the group’s mood. “Truth or Drink!” He added, earning groans and mutters of disapproval. “That’s exactly the same game we played earlier.” Hyunsuk pointed out, reaching for the tongs placed on the grill and sighed, giving into Jeongwoo’s pouts, “But okay.”
It was another round of spin-the-bottle, and the bottle unfortunately landed on Jihoon and Junkyu. The room stood in tranquility. The group, once again, sat in discomfort. Jaehyuk coughed, "Okay! Shall we spin it again?"
"No." Jihoon answered, a smile plastered on his face. "That would not be fun. Right, Junkyu?" Junkyu forced a smile, “Yes. Of course.”
“Okay, then.” Jihoon nodded towards him, puckered his lips, thinking of any possible questions. “Do you regret it?”
“Regret what?” The blonde answered, although the answer was obvious.
“Leaving me.”
Junkyu gaped at him for what seemed like a minute. The group dwelled in the intensity in front of them, amused by Jihoon’s courage. Jihoon was surprised by himself too. It must be the alcohol talking. Junkyu took a shot and smiled again, reaching for the soju bottle. “I guess it’s my turn to spin this now?” Junkyu looked at his friends. They nodded absentmindedly.
The night grew old and cold. The group’s drunk, but for Jihoon, the evening’s still young. He carried on drinking, even ordering more, just to keep his mind off the man beside him. It felt suffocating, but he just can’t leave Junkyu alone. All of his friends are intoxicated and it’s his obligation to keep the blonde company.
No one asked him to, though.
Being with Junkyu like this reminded him of their high school days, and somehow, it felt bitter. Bitter, but good.
It has been two years since the pair got together. Everyone expected it. Since their last year in high school, Junkyu and Jihoon have been inseparable. Jihoon even forgot his best friend, Jeongwoo, for a moment.
The two experienced bliss inside the universe they created. Hidden kisses and secret rendezvous were enough for the both of them. Society’s prejudice towards their forbidden relationship was loud, but the two did not mind. For them, as long as they had each other, they were enough.
Love was enough.
It was hard fighting against all odds, but they promised to never glance at it. They were deaf to the shouts of their parents and school administrators.
They created plans of being a full-time writer and business owner, saving enough money to marry and run away from the people that took care of them for years. They wrote their own story, blinded by the fantasies of the word “lifetime”.
“How have you been?” Junkyu started, looking at the half full glass in front of him.
Jihoon was startled. The bloke’s voice was still sweet, almost lulling him to sleep.
“Good.” He answered shortly, downing his leftover beer. “What was your answer to my question earlier?”
Junkyu blinked at him. “Did I regret leaving you?” Jihoon nodded. The other smiled, “No.”
Jihoon heard his heart break into smaller pieces with no one to pick its fragments but himself.
“That’s good then.” He forced a smile. He ordered another bottle. Junkyu looked at the brown-haired man. “If I didn’t leave you, you wouldn’t improve yourself. Look at you, you look better now.”
Jihoon faced him, “Do I?”
“Yeah. You look different.” Junkyu drank from his glass. “You look happier too. Does someone make you happy?”
Jihoon laughed. How he wished he had someone to make him happy.
“No. I’ve been in therapy for almost a year. It actually helped.” He chuckled, “Come to think of it, I had severe insecurity issues back then.” Junkyu giggled at him.
After graduation, they went to the same university and took different courses.
Jihoon would often forget that his boyfriend’s workloads are heavier than his (not that he downplays his course anyway). Being a business major took a toll on his partner’s body. What he did not realize was that his course, which was creative writing, also affected him tremendously.
Entering college was not easy. He thought that he was the best among his peers during his secondary years, but competition in the tertiary level was different. Everyone was fighting to be the best, readying themselves for the “real world”. People were busy honing their skills and Jihoon was afraid of everyone leaving him behind. Insecurities clouded his mind. He believed that the “skills” that he had were all nothing, and that these were all just manifestations of his narcissistic imaginations that he had something to offer in this world.
And though Junkyu reassured him hundreds of times, the demons in his head were shouting loud and clear. “You are nothing compared to them, Park Jihoon. You are just wasting your time.”
Perhaps, he was. And now, he was stuck between the dread of being nothing and wanting to become something.
Somehow, the stress and pressure of being the best got into his head that he did not realize that he was hurting Junkyu. The deed that he vowed to never do is materializing right in front of his eyes.
Jihoon was so caught up in his own world that he did not grasp Junkyu’s bigger one. Day by day, he felt Junkyu slipping away from his arms as he ventured into the chaos of his own head.
And like a ticking bomb, Junkyu exploded. Their world collapsed, and Jihoon had no one but his own demons to ease him.
A comforting silence sat in between them as they continued to talk outside the shop’s entrance. Jihoon reached for his box of cigarettes inside his pocket. “I thought you dreaded smokers?” Junkyu perked, handing out an open palm in a signal that he wants one as well. “I did.” Jihoon picked two for each and continued, “But things have changed since you left.”
“Hm.” Was all Junkyu managed to say.
“How was Japan?” Jihoon continued, watching Junkyu as he puffed a smoke into the air. “Good. Stocks and sales are stable and the business managed to sail in the international scale.” Junkyu beamed, and it sent warmth throughout Jihoon’s body. Right. It’s the booze. Not his smile, Jihoon. “I heard you’re a renowned author now.” Junkyu continued.
“Calling me a renowned author is too much. I’m nothing of that sort.” Jihoon laughed, removing the stale cigarette residing in his lips. “But, thank you. That was flattering. Where’s Mashiho?” Though it hurts him, he needed to address the elephant in the room.
“He’s…at home.” Junkyu said very carefully, as if he was afraid of hurting Jihoon even more.
“Are you two…happy?”
“Yes. Very.”
“Are you happy?”
Junkyu remained silent, tapping his stick repeatedly.
“Yes. Maybe.”
“Maybe?”
“Hm.” Junkyu blew once more, “We are fighting a lot these days.”
“About what?”
“Things. He reminds me a lot of you, Jihoon-ah.”
Jihoon stepped on his cigarette and held Junkyu’s hand.
“Is he hurting you?”
“No.”
“I am much better now, Junkyu. You said so yourself.”
“What are you implying?”
Jihoon lit up another and let go of Junkyu.
“That we should try it again.”
Junkyu laughed at him, “You’re silly.”
“No, I’m not.”
Junkyu faced him, watching how Jihoon’s eyes shone as they were brimmed with tears.
“We can’t. You know that, Park Jihoon.”
Jihoon nodded and rubbed his eyes to prevent the threat of tears staining his cheeks. He let his silence speak for himself as he glanced at the vast parking lot in front of them.
The 11 were all inside Jihoon’s van. Snores and quiet music were all that was heard. Junkyu sat in the shotgun seat, feeling the warm air as they drove through the breeze. Jihoon dropped them off one-by-one, Junkyu being the last man sitting in his car.
“Thank you for today, Jun.”
He stared at Junkyu for a while, trying his hardest to keep his heart quiet and still after hearing the nickname Junkyu gave him.
“No problem, Kyu. Call me if you need anything.” Junkyu gave him one last look. Jihoon did not know what that look meant, but he wished it said something along the lines of hope and longing. He smiled at Junkyu and waved him goodbye as he drove away.
Being with Junkyu for a short while was enough. Though Jihoon wanted something more, he knew this was it.
This was the ending to the story they started together, yet Jihoon finished alone.