Work Text:
It started, as most out of character things Xie Lian did, with Shi Qingxuan.
“He Xuan has been so uptight lately, so getting them a little something special to help them relax is just what they need!” Shi Qingxuan had sing songed as they had pulled into the parking lot of Paradise Manor. Xie Lian had foolishly been under the impression they were going to get He Xuan bath bombs or maybe some lavender candles, but as soon as Shi Qingxuan flung open the store doors, Xie Lian almost recoiled.
She knew she was a prude, a fact that she didn’t think was a hindrance or something to be ashamed of, but when confronted with rows of lacy underwear, raunchy cards, and… what she assumed were anatomically correct items, her grip on her friend’s arm became so tight that Shi Qingxuan swatted at her with their fan.
“Ouch, Xie Lian! Sometimes you don’t know your own strength!”
“Sorry, sorry, I’m just-” Xie Lian immediately retracted her fingers, not sure what to do with them other than to twist them anxiously in front of her, trying to find a safe place to look that didn’t immediately make her run quickly for sanctuary. But no matter where she locked, there seemed to be no respite, and she ended up noticing far more than she wanted to.
The store was surprisingly clean and bright, and if it wasn’t for the products lining the shelves, it wouldn’t have been out of place in a mall or in a strip of stores tucked amongst other charming boutiques. It was a far cry from what Xie Lian would have thought these sort of places would have looked like or what the movies typically depicted. There were no dark corners, no videos blasting moans and screams at full blast, and the people in here didn’t look like shady perverts. No one was breathing heavily or actively touching themselves, which Xie Lian was eternally grateful for, but somehow the normalcy only made Xie Lian that much more uncomfortable because clearly she must be the weird one here.
Shi Qingxuan’s face softened at her obvious distress, and they patted Xie Lian on the arm consolingly, but they didn’t offer to let her sit in the car like they had when they had been buying moonshine from a shaggy haired shady looking guy in an equally shady looking apartment complex.
“We’ll be quick, I promise! Besides, I want your opinion.” ‘As someone equally repressed’ Shi Qingxuan didn’t say, but they didn’t have to.
Gingerly, Xie Lian followed Shi Qingxuan to the back of the store, trying to keep her gaze only on her friend’s back, but she couldn’t help but be slightly curious. There were so many colors, shapes, different fabrics, things that looked like they were just joke gifts and things that looked like they were for actual…
She almost ran into Shi Qingxuan when they stopped abruptly, picking up two boxes proudly displaying pictures of their phallic products. Xie Lian tried not to look at either of them, and just barely restrained herself from burying her face in her hands. Instead, she closed her eyes and tried to recite the mantras that had gotten her through other similar situations. Unfortunately she could still hear Shi Qingxuan speaking as they mused over the selections.
“He Xuan might like the dolphin one more… They’re in a real ocean aesthetic phase right now but the bunny is classic…” Shi Qingxuan was muttering to themself, audible even as Xie Lian ramped up the recitation of her internal mantra. She could feel it in her very bones that Shi Qingxuan was about to ask her opinion, every cell in Xie Lian’s body crying out to be anywhere but here. Save her! Someone please save her! “Hey Xie Lian-”
“Are you two finding everything you’re looking for?” A low and husky voice cut through Xie Lian’s frantic attempts to pray hard enough her soul would leave her body and release her from this awkward situation.
When she opened her eyes a fraction to see who her would-be savior was, she wasn’t sure if she should laugh in relief or cry at how much worse the situation was now.
The woman standing before them was an amalgamation of every model in magazines that Xie Lian had guiltily found her eyes lingering on. Except somehow more beautiful, self-assured, and smugly aware that anyone with a pulse around her couldn’t look away from her. Her thick black hair was tied in a careless braid that was draped over her shoulder, her skin enviably clear and porcelain, lips bright red and smirking, the eye patch over her left eye serving to only add to her mysterious aura instead of detracting from her good looks. And she was so tall! Xie Lian fought the urge to look her up and down, but in the end she was only a weak human being with interests she was just barely coming to terms with.
Her legs were long and lithe, the small ankle black boots she wore only accentuating their length. Her tight black pants didn’t help Xie Lian’s ability to breathe at all, and she may have fainted if her shirt wasn’t obviously a work shirt with rough fabric and a cheesy ‘Let’s Talk about Sex… Toys’ in bright glittery pink cursive.
“Which one would you recommend?” Shi Qingxuan asked, completely shameless, and for once seemingly unaware of how Xie Lian was positively expiring in the presence of this gorgeous woman. Whose sole black eye gave Xie Lian a very unsubtle once over, crinkled in the corner when she smiled approvingly. It made Xie Lian both flush with pleasure and embarrassment, and seeming to lap up that reaction, the beautiful woman met Xie Lian’s eyes without bothering to turn to Shi Qingxuan to answer their question.
“Depends. Is this for you or for a friend?”
“A friend!”
“Do you want them to actually use it or is this for shock factor?”
“Why not both?” Finally the woman, whose nametag was nigh unreadable, turned her attention to Shi Qingxuan, grinning deviously. Xie Lian, who could deadlift enough weight to make most men in the gym sit up and take notice, felt her knees wobble unsteadily beneath her.
“In that case, can I suggest this?” She helpfully bent over to grab a box on one of the lower shelves, back arched, legs straight. She might as well have been picking Xie Lian’s lower jaw off of the shelf with how quickly it dropped at the sight. Xie Lian had to quickly close her eyes and start trying to recite the mantras again. But the words she could recite under duress, with a fever, and during that one time she let Shi Qingxuan get her black out drunk, were suddenly wiped clean from her mind. All that remained was that image burned in the back of her eyelids of the sales associate’s long legs and the knowing smirk she had sent Xie Lian right before she bent over.
She only opened her eyes when Shi Qingxuan let out a small appreciative noise, unable to help but crowd closer to peer at the box the sales associate was holding up for them to look at. It was multi-colored and ridged, but the overall shape was still recognizable.
“It’s based off of that movie with that woman who had sex with that sea creature in her bathroom. They offer a unique experience and look. I’ve had people who are wary because of the ridges, but they’re a lot softer than they look.” Shi Qingxuan nodded approvingly, taking the box to… read it? For what Xie Lian wasn’t sure, and she wished she had the thought to do so as well because the woman turned her gaze back to Xie Lian, one visible eye dark and knowing. That one look was enough to make Xie Lian feel like she’d been flayed and laid bare, her reactions a feast that this gorgeous woman was going to enjoy eating morsel by morsel. “What about you? Were you looking for anything in particular?”
“Ah, no, I was just here to accompany my friend. I’m not interested in this sort of thing!” Xie Lian insisted, wondering why she felt like she had to explain this better. She was sure the sales associate wouldn’t take it personally if unique monster dildos weren’t her interest, but she also wanted to elaborate in a way she rarely did. She was interested, just very unsure of where to start and how to go about any of this. Sure, she could ask Shi Qingxuan, but knowing her friend, they’d go overboard. Suddenly Xie Lian would have a huge clear container of toys underneath her bed and the feeling of being buried under a mountain of shame and self-disgust.
“You sure? I’ll buy you something as thanks for coming in here today and not bolting.” Shi Qingxuan said kindly, because money was no object and because they were now looking over at some of the larger offerings. “I won’t even look! I’m sure you’ll be in good hands.” Shi Qingxuan gestured to the sales associate, whose grin only widened.
“I’ll take very good care of your friend and we’ll meet you up at the cash register.” The very beautiful woman said wink, Xie Lian’s heart fluttering half out of nerves and how low her voice had gotten at the first part.
It should be criminal how easily she found herself separated from Shi Qingxuan, who waved enthusiastically before disappearing into another part of the store.
“If you’re not interested in sea creature dildos, is this more to your taste?” She held up a huge double headed contraption that took both of her hands to heft up. Immediately Xie Lian laughed, both out of surprise and a strangled sense of horror.
“N-No! I really don’t need anything from here.” Xie Lian tried to insist weakly, and while the sales associate didn’t look convinced, she oddly didn’t give off any indication that she was judging Xie Lian for this.
“Okay, what about want? Have you ever been curious about any of this stuff? If you’re not, I can get you some nice lotion or something. But if your friend is paying for this, why not get something you wouldn’t have otherwise?” With Shi Qingxuan, the woman had been more inclined to smirk and tip her chin up slightly, but with Xie Lian, her voice was warm, her expression open. Considering where she worked, Xie Lian was sure she had to deal with all manner of weird requests and catered to people’s most intimate and secret desires. For her, most likely this was as everyday and boring as it was for a grocery store cashier to scan and bag apples.
Though she didn’t know this woman, Xie Lian couldn’t help but feel that she would do just as she said: if Xie Lian said she had no interest in anything here, she’d come away with some fancy lotion and that would be that. But if she really wanted to try something, she would help her find something that would fit her as well as that other item had suited Shi Qingxuan’s wants.
“I…” Xie Lian twisted her fingers, trying to fight the bile that was rising in the back of her throat. She had been raised in a household where such desires like these were base and impure. These sorts of things should only be discussed between a husband and a wife on their wedding night, if ever. But once Xie Lian had started college, once even Feng Xin had found a girlfriend, once she’d befriended a free spirit like Shi Qingxuan, she couldn’t help but be a bit curious. Her friends were some of the most generous and kind hearted people she had ever met. Surely this couldn’t be all bad. “What would you recommend for someone who’s never done anything?”
The woman straightened slightly at that, not to laugh or to scoff like Xie Lian had feared she might, but instead just to tuck a hand underneath her chin, tipping her head to the side in thought.
“I’d recommend this.” She crooked a long finger to gesture for Xie Lian to follow her, which she did obediently and without a second thought. She led Xie Lian over to a shelf that had smaller items, holding up a box that had a cute if a bit oddly shaped pink butterfly on it. “It’s pretty user friendly if it’s just you or if you have a partner. You just hold the button down to turn it on, and you can cycle through the different settings by pressing that same button.” She waited, eyebrow arched, for Xie Lian’s verdict on it.
Though it was embarrassing to hold it, Xie Lian’s face didn’t feel as hot as it did when she first entered the store. It was hard to be intimidated by a stubby butterfly, and when she looked up to meet the woman’s gaze, she couldn’t help but smile a bit gratefully. It seemed fitting that her stomach felt full of little butterflies when the woman smiled back, small and secretive and beautiful.
“It’s really cute. I’ll go with this.”
“Always happy to have another satisfied customer.” She said nonchalantly, but a tension she had been holding in her shoulders dissipated as she headed towards the cash register. “I can ring this up and bag it before your friend gets back that way they won’t know what you bought, only the price. But I would recommend we try it out first because once you take it home and open it, we can’t accept returns.”
Xie Lian had been following the flow of conversation easily enough, but her mind ground to a screeching, train derailing and crashing violently to a halt. Try it out? Both of them? How…?
She glanced behind her at the curtained rooms at the side of the store, her face immediately reddening. Unbidden, she thought of this very helpful and professional and gorgeous sales associate turning on the butterfly and slipping it up her skirt, arm braced up above Xie Lian’s head as she murmured low words right into the shell of her ear until-
Seeing her face, the woman laughed slightly, taking the butterfly out of the box.
“Like this.” She turned it on lazily with her thumb, and once it buzzed to life, she nodded approvingly and turned it back off. She packaged it back up neatly, keeping her silence kindly even as Xie Lian buried her face into her hands, beyond mortified.
“I see.” She managed to squeak out. “Thank you very much.”
“All done?” Shi Qingxuan asked near her shoulder suddenly, making Xie Lian nearly jump out of her skin. “You actually got something? I’m so proud!”
“It’s just hand lotion.” The sales associate said kindly, winking at Xie Lian who apparently was not going to be able to return to her normal skin color anytime soon.
“Even if that’s the case, thank you for keeping Xie Lian from running out.” Shi Qingxuan said sincerely, which the sales associate waved aside casually.
“It was my pleasure.” The words were almost a purr, feeling like silk against the bare skin of her back. It made Xie Lian shiver. “Did you want to sign up for our rewards program?”
Shi Qingxuan, unsurprisingly, was all for this considering it seemed like they had gotten some things just for themself. Things that Xie Lian carefully didn’t look at because she already knew too much about Shi Qingxuan’s love life and she didn’t need to know anymore.
“If you can fill out the survey at the end, I’d appreciate it. I’m Hua Cheng, but you can call me San Niang.” The last part was directed at Xie Lian with a grin, and gratefully, Xie Lian bowed her head to her. She was suddenly aware of Shi Qingxuan watching the two of them, the beginnings of a devious smile blooming on their face. Quickly, she picked up her bag, waving briefly.
“Thank you again for everything San Niang! Have a good day.” She pushed Shi Qingxuan out of the door, her friend suspiciously compliant. They graciously waited until they were both back in their car, buckled up, and on the road before saying anything.
“So are we going to talk about Hua Cheng?” They asked mock breezily, laughing when Xie Lian buried her face into her hands.
“No! We’re never talking about this again and I’m not going back there with you.”
---
Growing up, Xie Lian had never felt repressed. She had been raised amongst like-minded peers who all seemed to view romance as gross and unnecessary, much less sex. Feng Xin and Mu Qing had only drawn closer to her as their classmates had started to clumsily date each other. Xie Lian had seen girls who had suffered sprains and broken bones with barely any tears reduced to incoherent sobbing messes just because a boy they had liked had rejected them. Most had been inconsolable for days, as if their world had been utterly destroyed by just a few words from a thoughtless boy.
“Pathetic.” Mu Qing would sneer, and while Feng Xin might try to defend them, it had always felt more like it was just to fight with Mu Qing than the fact that she empathized with those girls. For Xie Lian, who had already been swamped with school work, sword practice, and helping her parents with the endless parade of cultural and diplomatic events they hosted, she didn’t have the time to devote to a fleeting romance. Or at least, that’s the excuse she tended to use when she had to smilingly turn down would be admirers.
If she was more honest, she would have had to say she never felt that spark of interest or attraction that seemed to be stuffed into every romantic drama she had watched or any romance novel she had read. She’d never looked at someone and immediately felt that pull, that knowledge that this was the person for her and there was no one else. Perhaps it was silly to believe in soulmates, but having seen her parents and their devotion to each other, it only made sense. When she met The One, she would know and it wouldn’t feel like she was trying to scoop the last scraps of liquid out of the bottom of an empty soup pot to carve out time for them.
It had helped that her mother was always quick to spout things like, ‘the best present you can give your husband is your virginity’ or ‘boys will date sullied girls but never marry them’. Xie Lian, who had adored her mother above all else, had taken these words to heart more for her mother’s sake than whatever hypothetical future husband she had.
Locking any small sparks of interest in the bottom drawer of her desk was second nature, something automatically done every weekend with the rest of the cleaning of her dorm room.
So when Xie Lian got back to her room, she resolutely locked away the box in the very back of that drawer and tried to forget the whole matter from her mind entirely.
---
“Jiejie, I didn’t know you worked as a tutor.” Xie Lian glanced up at the familiar voice, warmth flooding her face and to the very tips of her fingers as she recognized the speaker.
“San Niang! Hello!” She hastily started moving her slew of books aside to accommodate the long haired woman, trying hard not to be too obvious as she looked her over. She had calf length bulky combat boots on today, a direct contrast to the bright red tight wrap dress she was wearing. Her glossy hair was still braided, but it was pinned messily to her head as if it was an afterthought. Her eyepatch had spikes coming out of it, matching the spiky bracelets she was wearing. She looked both beautiful and ready for war. Xie Lian had to swallow a few times, her mouth suspiciously dry. “Sorry for the mess! I’m studying in between appointments.”
When she glanced up to peek at San Niang’s face, she didn’t seem to notice Xie Lian’s appraisal, sitting down next to her closer than most would but with still a noticeable distance. Before Xie Lian could figure out if she was disappointed or relieved, San Niang turned her full attention to her, elbow propped up on the table, hand cupping her cheek. For a brief stomach dropping moment, Xie Lian thought that San Niang might ask her how she had liked her recommended product. Just the thought was enough to make her face flush, and she mentally tried to prepare a polite response to the inquiry or a suitable deflection.
“Don’t apologize. My studio is worse than this even on its best day.” The thought of the put together and gorgeous San Niang having a messy studio seemed so unreal and… humanizing that Xie Lian couldn’t help but smile. Before she could question her though, San Niang was peering curiously at her notebooks, leaning in close enough that Xie Lian could get a small hint of her perfume. Something surprisingly spicy, tickling the inside of her nose and making her stomach flip flop. “What subjects do you offer your tutoring services in?”
“Calligraphy and penmanship.” She used to offer swordsmanship, but those were hard to do now without any of the necessary and expensive equipment. When any of her old students asked after them, she tended to just laugh it off and say that the lessons had quickly gotten out of hand. Namely because Mu Qing started showing up and critiquing people’s forms and Feng Xin shouted those same critiques plus curses. No, calligraphy was much quieter and more suited for Xie Lian’s current life goal of keeping her head down and staying out of trouble. She barely missed it at all, if she was honest, and this might be the first time in her life she didn’t have to move carefully for fear of upsetting the bruises she got at practice.
“Really? Jiejie’s lessons must be so popular that people fight for appointments.” San Niang teased, the implication making Xie Lian laugh.
“Not at all! If you’re interested, I can show you a few things.” At San Niang’s silence, Xie Lian quickly put her hands up as she realized what she had said. “Ah, but if you’re an artist you probably don’t need pointers. Or did you mean a music studio…?”
She didn’t know why being around San Niang made her feel so self-aware, or why she relaxed so quickly when San Niang smiled at her.
“It is an art studio, but I mostly create sculptures. It’s a bit embarrassing, but I’ve been told more than once my handwriting is illegible. If jiejie has some tips, I’d be happy to hear them.” She tucked a few stray strands of hair behind her ear, and Xie Lian would have been fooled into thinking she was bashful about it if her visible eye was sparkling with mischief.
“In that case…” Xie Lian pulled out a few of her practice sheets, bidding San Niang to trace the letters on them carefully. The silence that blanketed the two of them while San Niang worked diligently wasn’t uncomfortable, and while Xie Lian could have gone back to her own work, she couldn’t help but be curious about everything about San Niang. Who knew when they might serendipitously run into each other again? And while she was sorely tempted to offer free lessons just so they could keep talking, Xie Lian didn’t want to come across as too pushy or desperate. “What sort of things do you sculpt San Niang? Anything I might have seen?”
The way that San Niang paused for a moment in her tracing made Xie Lian wonder if she had pried too much considering this was only their second meeting, but then the other woman continued on without her expression changing.
“I sculpt anything I find beautiful. Jiejie would be a good subject.” When Xie Lian exclaimed ‘San Niang!’ at that in embarrassment, she was rewarded with San Niang’s surprising low and soft laugh. It was a pretty sound, and Xie Lian wondered if that too was something San Niang could sculpt and make it tangible, a fragile thing Xie Lian could hold in gently in her hands. “But I don’t have any works currently on display. There’s usually an exhibition at the end of the semester that showcases our projects, and I would be honored if jiejie attended.”
It was such a casual invitation with such heavy implication that Xie Lian could only look at San Niang’s serene face in shock. Did San Niang think they would know each other for that long? That they wouldn’t get tired of each other? That she wouldn’t one day realize that spending time with Xie Lian was more trouble than it was worth? It wasn’t like Xie Lian had money or a good reputation. Maybe she normally invited strangers to such things or they were already open to the public so it wasn’t a big deal. But the way that San Niang noticed Xie Lian’s expression and met her gaze without wavering made Xie Lian think it might be a rather pointed and personal invitation.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to.” Xie Lian said finally, after she realized they had just been staring at each other for a few heartbeats. Her heart was thudding so loudly in her chest she would be surprised if San Niang didn’t hear it.
“It’s always a pleasure to see you, jiejie.” San Niang seemed pleased by Xie Lian’s answer as she turned back to her tracing, her hand very sure and steady despite the fact that her lines were all over the place. It was a talent in its own right. “If you have more appointment times available, I’d like to sign up. As you can see, I have a long way to go.”
Xie Lian tried not to laugh as San Niang held up the sheet with only the first row completed. She had seen small children with better penmanship, and it seemed like she would have her work cut out for her.
“Are you free during week nights? That’s when I have the most availability. Oh, and please take one of these.” Xie Lian dug into her backpack to pull out a business card. It was plain with the only flourish being Xie Lian’s signature followed by a tiny white flower, but it had her email address and phone number on it. San Niang took it like it was a precious treasure, careful not to let their fingers touch, her face oddly soft as she traced the flower on her card.
“This is beautiful. Did jiejie design this herself?” San Niang took out her phone to text Xie Lian a quick text that said ‘This is San Niang. ♥️’ The heart sent Xie Lian’s own fluttering again, and she quickly ducked her head over her phone with the pretext of saving San Niang’s contact information. Not just hiding her flushed face at the compliment. Xie Lian had never thought she was one to get flustered so easily, but just having San Niang’s attention turned towards her or the smallest inkling of praise seemed to be enough to do it. How embarrassing. She would chalk it up to not being able to socialize properly in a long time.
“I did, but I’m not an artist as you can see. Likewise, if San Niang has any suggestions…” Xie Lian trailed off as San Niang tapped her red nails against the card, seeming to already be considering the possibilities.
“I wouldn’t change a thing, jiejie.” She gathered up her belongings, tucking the card carefully into her backpack, flashing Xie Lian a small smile. “Your next appointment is here. I’ll be in touch soon.”
She gave a polite nod to Xie Lian as she sauntered out, not even bothering to acknowledge anyone else in the room, her boots heavy against the linomen flooring. With a dress like that, Xie Lian was a bit disappointed that she hadn’t worn stilettos that clacked satisfactorily against the floor or boots that were higher up those long legs of hers. Before those thoughts went any further, she quickly boxed them away, turning to the other student with a sheepish smile at being caught staring.
“Did you finish the exercises?” She asked sweetly, already knowing the answer from the way their expression crumpled, holding out her hand so she could take their exercise book from them. It was better for everyone if she focused just on the small things she could control for now, and any wayward thoughts were better discarded or locked away.
---
True to her word, San Niang contacted her later that evening to set up tutoring appointments, right before the time that Xie Lian normally ate dinner. Over the course of a few lessons, their time together started bleeding into the evening later and later until it ended up with the two of them eating dinner together more often than not. Typically it was something Xie Lian threw together or San Niang would drag her out to decadent places where she never saw any money or credit cards exchanging hands. Some days Xie Lian skipped pretenses altogether and they just used to the time to hang out so it was difficult to tell if the lack of San Niang’s progress was due to the fact that she only did the exercises when Xie Lian supervised her or if it was because Xie Lian found herself easily distracted by San Niang’s… everything.
At first she had to admit, it was mostly because San Niang possessed a wide array of outfits that were somehow tailor made to wipe clean any and all thoughts that Xie Lian had ever had in her life. She seemed to have a never ending supply of high heels that ranged from strappy numbers that were held together with strings and a prayer to thigh high boots that were made of fabric that haunted Xie Lian’s dreams. Every time she believed she got used to seeing the smooth expanse of San Niang’s legs or being teased by only seeing a tiny strip of thigh between her boots and her skirt, San Niang upped the ante.
She had boots that had square cut outs in the back so when she arrived, Xie Lian was lulled into the false sense of security that they were normal boots, nothing special. But when she walked away, she was caught by the proffered peeks of skin between dark strips of fabric, the juxtaposition so stark it was both shocking and made Xie Lian long to run her fingers over them like keys on a piano.
San Niang also had a pair that were the exact opposite, the front held together solely by a few gold chains. For some reason, those boots reminded Xie Lian of outfits that had plunging necklines, with only a few scraps of fabric to keep it from being indecent..
There were the boots that seemed like they were solely crafted out of fine lace, tied delicately at the top with ribbons that begged the question: if Xie Lian pulled at them, would it make the boots slide down San Niang’s long legs and puddle at her ankles or were they purely decorative?
She had bright red boots that laced up the side, leather boots, boots with peep toes, kitten heels, platform heels, pumps, stilettos, and on one day when she had apparently decided to have mercy on Xie Lian, she had worn a pair of well loved sneakers. But by then, Xie Lian’s resistance and strength of will had been eroded so far that even a peek of San Niang’s delicate ankle bone every time she crossed her feet was enough to make Xie Lian inhale sharply like she had been struck.
The worst pair of boots for Xie Lian, oddly enough, was the calf-length simple black pair ornamented with jingling silver bells and small butterflies. Like one of Pavlov’s dogs, anytime she heard the sound of those bells, she felt her gut clench hotly, the space between her legs throbbing uncontrollably.
If it was just San Niang’s beauty, it would be easy enough to dismiss. Who wouldn’t find San Niang attractive? It was the same as when Xie Lian admired models in a magazine or watching them strut gracefully down the runway during fashion week. It was normal to find such elegant and gorgeous women alluring and captivating.
But San Niang was wickedly clever, highly observant, and had a way of making Xie Lian laugh so hard with just a pointed and shared glance it should have unnerved her but it didn’t. Even Feng Xin, who Xie Lian had known so long they could practically read each other’s minds, had never made Xie Lian feel so understood.
It was almost addictive, texting San Niang during the few moments she had between classes to see how she was doing and to laugh at the quips San Niang sent back to her. Though her friends had often lamented how little Xie Lian seemed to know about technology in general, she found herself struggling to find out how to take and send pictures so she could send silly selfies to San Niang whenever the taller woman complained she needed a ‘jiejie pick me up’.
But even though she had begun to utilize her phone more, she was an old-fashioned creature at heart. She found herself trying to painstakingly type responses to San Niang’s questions only to give up halfway and just call her. She would have thought the phone calls would have been awkward, but she found herself warmed by San Niang’s low laugh or how San Niang would try to sound chastised when Xie Lian scolded her for procrastinating on her projects. It became a part of Xie Lian’s bedtime routine to call San Niang if they weren’t already having dinner together to chat about their days, San Niang’s beautiful and soothing voice filling Xie Lian’s tiny apartment like music, relaxing her and easing her to sleep.
More times than she could count, she’d been scolded by friends for forgetting her phone somewhere or for misplacing it, but now she found that was an issue less and less. She had often laughed that she wasn’t as married to her device as they were, but now she found that she would double check that her phone was tucked into her back pocket for easy access before leaving her apartment each day.
The one time she had forgotten it back at her apartment, she had found herself uncharacteristically panicked. She had dumped all the contents of her backpack onto the seat next to her, digging through every corner of her backpack, and triple checking all the pockets in her clothes before turning up empty handed. She had then been torn between skipping class ( a first! ) or going to San Niang’s work immediately afterwards to apologize in person for not responding to all of the undoubtedly witty texts she had missed out on.
In the end, she had sat through her class, heart stone cold with dread with every minute that ticked by, before she had bolted out of the room as soon as they had been dismissed. Her chest had been constricted from more than the exertion of running, and she had to wonder just when San Niang had become so important to her. And if, like most of the other people in her life, it just meant that San Niang had become another person who Xie Lian couldn’t stand to lose.
---
“What do you get someone who has everything?” Xie Lian asked, her voice weak and muffled in the cradle of her arms as she stared unseeing at her textbook. Shi Qingxuan’s birthday was fast approaching, and their elder brother was sparing no expense. Last time she had talked to Shi Qingxuan, her friend had mentioned offhandedly that in order to accommodate all of the people they wanted to invite for their birthday party, Shi Wudu was going to rent out a castle. An actual castle.
Once, Xie Lian wouldn’t have thought twice about such extravagance. Her family had been so well off that Xie Lian hadn’t learned the true weight of money until suddenly there was none to be had. She didn’t mourn the possessions they once had, but she did miss the ease of life that wealth had brought. The ability not to worry so much about if she had enough money to cover a meal or if she had to be strict in order to have enough to cover her phone bill. She knew if it worse came to worse she could reach out to Shi Qingxuan who wouldn’t bat an eyelash at giving her money, but Xie Lian had her pride and could be surprisingly stubborn. She would rather have those worries than to feel indebted or like a moocher. Shi Qingxuan already was surrounded by too many of those.
But while Xie Lian had sworn off most worldly goods, Shi Qingxuan’s tastes were expensive. Though they would never say it, Xie Lian was sure the hole in the wall places with dirt cheap prices that Shi Qingxuan kept dragging her to was just their way of being mindful of Xie Lian’s dire finances. Which was appreciated, but Xie Lian’s old go to of expensive alcohol or jewelry weren’t a possibility. And every time that Xie Lian had offered to cook, Shi Qingxuan had always suddenly had other plans crop up last minute. Which wasn’t surprising considering how many friends Shi Qingxuan had, but if Xie Lian didn’t know better, it was suspicious.
“I could get you some gift cards from work.” San Niang offered, and Xie Lian didn’t have to see her face to know she was smirking, on the verge of laughter. The offer was a nice one considering that Shi Qingxuan often frequented Paradise Manor, even if they thankfully had never forced Xie Lian to go back. The closest she had ever gotten to going back was waiting across the street for San Niang to finish out her shift so they could get dinner together.
“I appreciate the offer, but aren’t gift cards a little lazy and impersonal…?” Xie Lian tried, turning slightly so she could peek with one eye to see San Niang’s face. She was sitting posture perfect on the only other floor cushion that Xie Lian owned, diligently working on her practice sheets. It was warm in Xie Lian’s apartment, even with the windows cracked open to let in the occasional breeze. But for the most part, the air felt still and heavy, the only other noise in the apartment was the low droning of Xie Lian’s huge old TV that she had salvaged from a yard sale and had paid less than a dollar for. It didn’t get any channels really, so Xie Lian usually just played one of the few movies she had on in the background. If it was a bad day, she would watch Heaven’s Blessing, a movie about a martial god and demon king falling in love, relentlessly. It was soothing to know that as bad as her life or day was, nothing compared to eight hundred years of struggling and suffering, and she always secretly hoped that the ending of her story would be a happy one too. Nowadays though, she watched it even on good days since San Niang had offhandedly mentioned it was her favorite movie too, and they had spent hours quoting the dialogue to each other and laughing instead of studying.
As if she felt Xie Lian’s gaze on her, San Niang stopped writing and met her gaze with an arched brow as if to ask without words what exactly Xie Lian was looking at. Which was a ridiculous thought, much less a question, because one only had to look at San Niang once and they would find a thousand reasons never to look away.
Her long legs were tucked underneath her, and she was as dressed down as Xie Lian had ever seen her in an oversized red t-shirt tucked into a pair of torn capris that were flecked with paint. Her long hair was in a messy ponytail, her eyepatch a plain red leather. The open toed mules she had worn earlier were by the door, leaving San Niang completely barefoot, her feet surprisingly small and delicate. Xie Lian had never understood the allure of feet up until now, and she had assumed her cross-armed position half out of despair and half to study every single curve of San Niang’s feet without fear of judgment.
“I can also pick out more items Shi Qingxuan would like. I know their tastes well by now.” San Niang said shamelessly, and Xie Lian immediately sat up straight, hands in front of her as if she could defend against the suggestion.
“N-No that’s not necessary! I’ll think of something else!” The absence of the sound of San Niang’s pen against paper made Xie Lian hyper aware of the beating of her heart and their proximity. They were close enough that she could smell San Niang’s perfume, soft and spicy. It was comforting, like a fluffy Sherpa-lined blanket cocooning her on a cold winter day. Xie Lian had always had trouble sitting still for long periods of time, but somehow with San Niang, they could be curled up close watching movies and a whole day would pass without her realizing it.
“Whatever jiejie decides on, I’m sure Shi Qingxuan will appreciate.” San Niang offered after a few moments, which was nice to hear but not helpful. Xie Lian stewed over it for a few seconds longer before deciding that the present problem would sort itself out. She would just visit a few of the ( non-adult ) stores that she had gone with Shi Qingxuan a few times before and see if anything stood out to her.
With that dilemma solved, it made Xie Lian all too aware of a new one.
“San Niang, are you going?” It said a lot about the sad state of Xie Lian’s life that after a few months’ time she felt like San Niang was something of her security blanket or emotional support animal. She just liked having her around as San Niang somehow made her feel braver and more confident, like Xie Lian was actually more than just the girl whose rich parents had orphaned her and consequently she’d gone on a very public downward spiral. Somehow it felt like San Niang knew all of those dark and depressing things but they were footnotes to her instead of the whole story like it was to others, even to friends she had known for a long time like Feng Xin or Mu Qing.
Even worse than being misunderstood by longtime friends, were the strangers who thought they knew everything about her, and would approach her with sympathy. But as soon as she was out of sight, they would whisper and jeer to each other. Xie Lian would have thought she would have grown used to having to smile through her discomfort and maintain her politeness, as if to prove her parents had raised her well despite everything else, but dealing with the duplicity of others wore on her more than she cared to admit. All San Niang had to do was scowl and those strangers were gone before Xie Lian could even muster up a greeting. It would be too much to say that San Niang was her shield, because Xie Lian could get through Shi Qingxuan’s birthday party unscathed just fine on her own, it was more apt to say she was perhaps something more like an umbrella during a downpour. It was just nice to have her there, and when she was untouched by all the unpleasantness, maybe she could even have fun.
“Only if jiejie is going.” San Niang said placidly, a foregone conclusion. It certainly didn’t help Xie Lian’s heart that San Niang said such things as if they were the easiest things in the world to say. As if somehow she enjoyed Xie Lian’s presence as much as Xie Lian was comforted by hers, if not more so. Which was dangerous, because Xie Lian had taken so much care to not fall into the trap of hope before. How many close friends and family had seemed like they would always be with her until one day they suddenly left without warning?
“We should get ready together beforehand! I never know what to wear to these things and San Niang would be a great help..” Xie Lian suggested brightly, not wanting to follow those dark thoughts to their inevitable conclusion. There was no use in dreading what bad things may happen before they did, and San Niang hadn’t let her down yet.
San Niang’s eye widened slightly in surprise for a moment before she returned Xie Lian’s smile.
“I’d love to.”
---
Despite how long they had been hanging out together, Xie Lian hadn’t actually ever been to San Niang’s apartment. San Niang had never really offered, and instead had insisted that she liked Xie Lian’s run down place far better because it was ‘cozy’ and Xie Lian had Heaven’s Blessing playing in the background at all hours of the day. Xie Lian also hadn’t pushed too much to see San Niang’s place if only because anytime she tried to picture what San Niang’s apartment must look like, she could only picture Paradise Manor. Which both flooded her with guilt and want at turns, or more taxingly, both conflicting emotions at the same time.
For better or for worse, Xie Lian’s imagination was vivid and detailed, due to having honed her image training skills back when she had been obsessed with martial arts. The same way her mind could go through a fight step by excruciating step now made it so easy for her to imagine San Niang crowding her up against a wall, holding out the pink butterfly she had suggested to Xie Lian so long ago.
‘If it’s just you or if you have a partner.’ Her brain would helpfully have San Niang say, her voice smokier and lower pitched than it had been before, guaranteed to make Xie Lian shudder. When she was awake, she could derail these thoughts almost as soon as she had them, but night time was a different story.
The amount of times that Xie Lian had woken up with her thighs slick and her underwear completely soaked through was embarrassing.
Standing in front of San Niang’s door, checking the text message exchange for the hundredth time to make sure she had gotten the correct number, she couldn’t help but feel the odd hot feeling flash through her again. It settled in her stomach, curling up there and threatening to give away all of Xie Lian’s shameful thoughts and desires. Surely for someone as beautiful and confident as San Niang, who undoubtedly had to turn down people left and right, Xie Lian didn’t register as someone other than a friend.
It was for the best, really. Xie Lian liked the easy friendship they had right now and would hate the thought of losing it over something as easily repressed as unrequited desires.
Straightening her spine, she rang the doorbell, wiping her suddenly clammy hands on the rough fabric of her skirt. Since she hadn’t been sure what to wear, the fashion forward woman had suggested they get ready at her place beforehand. While Xie Lian had always been aware of the differences between them, namely how beautiful and elegant San Niang was, she had never been more acutely aware of it until this very moment waiting outside her apartment. She was wearing a thick knee-length white skirt, scuffed sneakers, and a loose white blouse. Everything about her screamed plain and boring, which was a far cry from even the plainest outfits that San Niang wore.
Half of her was ready to bolt right when she heard the deadlock turn, and she hoped that her face didn’t show her intense discomfort.
“San Niang! Hello!”
“Hi jiejie, please come in.”
San Niang’s face seemed to glow with pleasure at the sight of Xie Lian which made her relax as she entered the surprisingly cluttered entryway. There were covers thrown over what looked like rows of paintings stacked against the wall with many more hanging on the walls in no discernable pattern and a tiny table cluttered with tiny knickknacks, the mess contrasting sharply with the neat row of slippers laid out in front of Xie Lian. The small spot of tidiness seemed artificial and hasty to Xie Lian, who couldn’t help but find it somewhat charming that San Niang’s home was obviously bursting with creativity, but that she had still taken the time to straighten out the entryway to make way for Xie Lian’s shoes.
The laugh made San Niang pout slightly as she looked at Xie Lian imploringly. “Don’t judge me too harshly for the mess jiejie. I have too many projects I want to work on and not enough space.”
“Oh no, it’s not that! I like that I just had to take one step inside and I feel like I know San Niang better. I want to know everything there is about you.”
There was a small stunned pause at that declaration, and it was difficult to say who turned more red at that statement: Xie Lian for uttering it or San Niang for receiving it. Before it could turn too awkward, San Niang ushered Xie Lian inside and gave her the quick tour: the kitchen that had a sink overflowing with paint splattered utensils, her living room with only one place to sit and the rest of the room overtaken with clay sculptures in various stages of completeness, the bathroom in the hallway that must have also been thoroughly cleaned for Xie Lian’s benefit.
San Niang’s bedroom didn’t look like there was any way that it could really be tidied as clothes were strewn across every available surface, the closet thrown wide open. There seemed to be multiple bins of clothes and shoes opened just for this occasion.
“I picked out a few outfits for you to try on. Here.” San Niang handed Xie Lian a bundle of clothes, careful not to let their hands brush. In the beginning, Xie Lian had respected this distance but now she couldn’t help but feel the sharp spike of anticipation followed by the even sharper decline of disappointment. San Niang is just careful about her personal space, and Xie Lian shouldn’t take it to heart when not even she is allowed to breach it. “Feel free to change in the bathroom.”
It felt a bit silly to go into another room to change when Xie Lian had been styled by Mu Qing through puberty, so before she could stop herself and think of the consequences of her actions she said, “It’s fine, I don’t mind changing here!”
The sound her skirt made when it hit the floor was overwhelmingly loud as San Niang just watched her strip down to her underwear, wide eyed. Under her gaze, Xie Lian felt overexposed and hot, like a spotlight was shining down right on her. But retreating now would be even more awkward, and as embarrassing as it was to have San Niang watching her, she couldn’t deny some part of her was thrilled by having San Niang’s undivided attention.
She had never thought much about her body, mostly that it was a tool to be honed and used for martial arts or something to take care of so she wouldn’t fall ill and miss school. She had been told more than she could count that instead of being a bombshell beauty, she was more ‘cute’ than anything. At least, until she had suddenly shot up and certain parts of her had blossomed as well. As she lifted her blouse over her head, she wondered if San Niang would appreciate those same aspects or not.
But when she let her blouse drop to the floor, San Niang’s back was to her as she seemed to be surveying the clothes in her closet to figure out what to wear. It was probably for the best that San Niang was no longer looking at her, since it would give the heat in her stomach and at the juncture of her legs time to cool off. It would be mortifying if she somehow got so wet just from standing in San Niang’s bedroom that it got all over the clothes San Niang was letting her borrow. She took a few small steadying breaths, sending out a brief prayer that something like that wouldn’t happen, before pulling on the clothes she’d been given.
The first outfit that San Niang had given her was rather loose and airy, cute and easy to move in, but the skirt was shorter than Xie Lian was comfortable with. The next one was plain jeans with a nice blouse with a heavy accent on accessories which made Xie Lian fear she might somehow lose one or break one. The third one was a gorgeous dress that Xie Lian immediately fell in love with.
“It makes you look like a goddess jiejie.” San Niang had said approvingly once Xie Lian had cleared her throat to get her attention and done a little twirl.
The praise shouldn’t make Xie Lian beam as much as it did or her heart flutter so harshly against her rib cage, so instead of seeming egotistical and preening, instead she asked, “What about you San Niang? What are you going to wear?”
There was a small flash of mischief that crossed across San Niang’s face before she tipped her head to the side thoughtfully, her hair an inky black waterfall as it spilled over her shoulder.
“I know what outfit I want to wear, but the shoes… Maybe jiejie can help me?”
What happened next can only be described as an exercise in torture: Xie Lian helped San Niang sort through numerous pairs of shoes, watching her slip them on and off her supple long legs. Sometimes the fabric was sheer so she could see peeks of skin or other times her legs would completely be encased in velvet or leather. If pressed, Xie Lian couldn’t say which one was worse or better, and after what seemed like hours they both finally agreed on a pair of platform stiletto heels that had straps criss-crossing over San Niang’s legs.
The short pencil skirt and corset top completed the look and made Xie Lian feel very, very faint. If Xie Lian was supposed to look like some angelic goddess clothed all in white, San Niang was definitely some demonic seductress ready to steal hearts and bite into them. San Niang had fixed up Xie Lian’s short hair to be wavy and soft, and when Xie Lian had tried to return the favor, the elegant bun she was hoping for had fallen loose of its bindings and was more of a messy ponytail. Which Xie Lian couldn’t exactly hate, even though she tried very hard to stuff those thoughts away. The drawer she had locked those longings in seemed to be full, threatening to burst free at the slightest provocation.
“Ready?” San Niang asked, amusement strong in her voice for some reason. She offered Xie Lian her hand, and it made her smile despite the dryness of her throat.
“Yes, let’s get going.”
---
“Xie Lian?! Is that you?! Oh my god!” Shi Qingxuan all but tackled her as soon as they arrived, keeping their hands on her shoulders as they drew back to take in the full picture. “You look so good!”
The over the top praise and the way that Shi Qingxuan pulled back in to get selfies with Xie Lian made her laugh too hard to take any good pictures. Even though Shi Qingxuan scolded her to take a picture seriously, it didn’t sound like they were too put out by it.
“You look nice tonight as well.” It went without saying but Shi Qingxuan preened all the same, striking a pose to flaunt their curves and what was undoubtedly an expensive designer cover-up over an equally expensive designer bikini. This year’s birthday theme was ‘sea princess’, and just from the entrance alone, Xie Lian could see two decently sized swimming pools filled with people cavorting or swimming up to the poolside bars. If it wasn’t for the huge flower wall that spelled out ‘Happy Birthday Shi Qingxuan’, Xie Lian might have thought she wandered on set for a big budget movie filming a hedonistic party scene.
… Which considering this was for Shi Qingxuan might not be too far off the mark.
“Where do you want me to put your gift?” Xie Lian asked, lifting up the box that she had San Niang wrap carefully and artfully. Shi Qingxuan took it and immediately shook it up next to their ear like a little kid, making Xie Lian exchange an amused look with San Niang. She had spent weeks scrimping and saving to commission an art student San Niang had introduced her to who hand crafted ornate fans as a side hustle. She hoped that Shi Qingxuan would like it, and though it looked like they were going to open it right in front of them, instead Shi Qingxuan pointed upstairs.
“There’s a gift room up there you can set this. You can’t miss it.” They turned to San Niang, hands balled on their hip, eyebrow arched. “Did you really come empty handed Crimson Rain?”
Despite asking San Niang about why people called her that, she had only gotten a vague shrug and a half-hearted story about ‘an old art exhibit’. Mu Qing and Feng Xin had both pulled a face and staunchly not answered. Shi Qingxuan had only laughed and suggested that Xie Lian ask her cousin. Xie Lian decided it wasn’t worth the effort to know just yet, considering it was highly likely she wouldn’t be able to forget it once she knew.
“Your present isn’t something I’d want to personally wrap, but you’ll have it by the end of the night.” San Niang said silkily, and before Shi Qingxuan could wheedle more information out of her, a newly arrived guest called out for their attention.
“I’ll hold you to that, then. Enjoy the party you two, I’ll try to check in when everything is more settled!” Shi Qingxuan waved, smiling widely, before being enveloped in a crowd of well wishers. Though Xie Lian loved her friend dearly, she couldn’t deny that if she could get out of going with them to parties, she did her best to do so. Shi Qingxuan always meant well, but inevitably Xie Lian would lose track of them and be stuck in the corner of a party waiting desperately for them to reappear or she would spend most of the time flitting from unfriendly face to unfriendly face. In festivities like this, she tended to feel so alone and out of place.
She was startled out of those thoughts when San Niang nudged their shoulders together, her smile soft and intimate.
“What do you want to do first, jiejie?” While San Niang rarely initiated physical contact, she never pulled away when Xie Lian did. She slipped her hand into the other woman’s, just so they wouldn’t get separated of course, pointing towards the dining area.
“Oh, we have to try all of those desserts! Let’s go, San Niang.”
The rest of the night seemed to be a blur of silliness and laughter: taking pictures with San Niang squished into a photobooth, lightly splashing at each other in a wading pool, wandering around together in the fragrant garden maze, teasing He Xuan whenever they saw them, running into Mu Qing and Feng Xin who were busy fighting over which waterslide had been the best one so far, and spending a good half hour with Shi Qingxuan gulping down colorful shots.
Near the end of the night, on a balcony overlooking one of the larger pools, Xie Lian felt happier than she had in a long time, her arm pressed against San Niang’s cool one. If she rested her head against San Niang’s shoulder like she really wanted to, would she pull away or let Xie Lian do so without comment?
“Jiejie’s staring. Do you want something?” San Niang teased, Xie Lian blurting out the first thing on her mind.
“I want to stay with San Niang forever. I always have so much fun whenever I’m with you.” Growing up, Xie Lian had very few worries. Her parents had always taken care of everything up until they were no longer around to do so. Having to learn how to fend for herself had been hard and she had ended up pushing a lot of people she loved away. She was just now starting to come out of those dark and desperate times, just now starting to feel as if she was making amends for the mistakes she had made in her past. If she had met San Niang a year ago, most likely she would never have thought of seeing her outside of lessons because she believed she wasn’t worthy of laughing and living when her parents were no longer here to do so with her. But now she was so grateful that San Niang was here with her, that drawer where she had tried to stuff all her feelings like desire and affection and love no longer able to contain all of it. The lock burst with an almost audible break, and she added in almost a whisper, “I like you San Niang, so much. I’m so grateful we met.”
But judging by the way that San Niang’s eye widened, then how her face broke out into a helpless smile, she had heard everything all the same.
“Me too, jiejie. Me too.”
---
“Finally, we’re home! San Niang, make sure you drink water before going to bed.” Xie Lian called out as she headed into her bedroom to change into her pajamas. She had floated the option of heading back to San Niang’s apartment or leaving separately, but San Niang had looked exhausted and had said ‘Let’s go home jiejie’ and that had been that.
After she had carefully folded up the dress, washed her face, and started brushing her teeth, she realized she hadn’t heard San Niang in the kitchen. She wandered back out into the living room to see San Niang collapsed on her couch, long limbs akimbo, watching Heaven’s Blessing with a content and blissful look on her face.
For a moment, Xie Lian just took in San Niang’s form, how much at home she looked in both her chaotic apartment and Xie Lian’s dingy little place. How even though she had felt like she had confessed everything to San Niang earlier, she wanted to do so again and again until there wasn’t a mistake of Xie Lian’s intentions. She wanted San Niang to stay on her lumpy couch always, to laugh with her always, and to curl up with her on those warm balmy nights when cracking a window open wasn’t enough to keep Xie Lian cool. But first-
“San Niang.” She scolded with a mouthful of toothpaste, going into the kitchen both to spit out all the excess and to get a cup to fill with water, “you need to drink more water before you go to bed. If you don’t, you’ll be hung over tomorrow.”
“But then jiejie will make me her famous hangover cure breakfast.” San Niang countered from the couch, but she did sit up when Xie Lian came back to hand her a cup of water. Xie Lian continued to brush her teeth as she watched to make sure San Niang gulped down the whole glass of water, trying not to stare too much at how the long column of San Niang’s throat worked, how wet her lips became, how her dark eye seemed to meet Xie Lian’s knowingly. She took the empty cup when San Niang was finished, purposefully letting their fingers brush together like an unspoken promise, before retreating back into the kitchen to finish brushing her teeth and to fill up the cup once again.
Once she had rinsed her mouth out, she headed back to San Niang, who still looked as flushed as she had when they had been taking shots, handing the cup over to her again. San Niang took it with minimal complaint, and Xie Lian settled down next to her, their arms and thighs pressed flush against each other once again.
She watched San Niang drain the glass solely to make sure she did so, but since San Niang didn’t tease her or ask her why she was staring, she didn’t feel the need to explain her behavior. If anything, it felt like San Niang relished her attention and didn’t like to lose it, even for a moment. As soon as she had set her cup down, she looked at Xie Lian pitifully, eye wide and impoloring.
“Jiejie, I know you’ve done so much for me already, but can you help me take my shoes off?” The request wasn’t an unreasonable one, but it felt like San Niang had reached into the drawer of all of Xie Lian’s unsuccessfully repressed desires and grabbed ahold of the core of it, making Xie Lian’s breath catch in her throat.
“San Niang…” She tried to protest, not sure what she should say. There were so many reasons that she wasn’t good for San Niang: when she was at her lowest she tended to self destruct and take others down with her, she wasn’t as good of a person as San Niang seemed to think, or it would mean something completely different to her then it would to San Niang.
But anything she thought to say died swiftly on her tongue when San Niang gently rested one of her legs in her lap, her hand resting on Xie Lian’s own.
“Please, I want you to.”
Her heartbeat felt so loud and all encompassing she could feel her fingertips throbbing with it, her hands shaking slightly as she reached for the top of San Niang’s shoes. The straps felt cool and glossy beneath her fingers, a stark contrast to San Niang’s smooth skin. The top straps of San Niang’s heels were so high that if Xie Lian even moved her hands upward even a little, she would be brushing the back of her hands against San Niang’s lithe inner thighs, the very thought enough to send Xie Lian into orbit just thinking about it. To make matters worse, San Niang just canted her head to the side to watch her, and as if sensing her intent, spread her legs as if to incite even more scandalous thoughts.
Even though every part of her felt she should do this quickly so her unscrupulous designs on San Niang wouldn’t become obvious, she kept her gaze on San Niang’s face as she slowly dragged the straps down excruciating millimeter by millimeter. San Niang’s normally cold skin seemed to warm up with Xie Lian’s hands on either side of her legs as she tugged the straps down until she reached San Niang’s deceptively delicate ankles. Carefully, she cupped the back of her heel to tug the shoe off of San Niang’s foot, her thumbs brushing against the bottoms of San Niang’s feet, making her shudder noticeably in Xie Lian’s hands.
San Niang’s one visible eye was inky black, her chest rising and falling quickly, though she barely made any noises. Seeing how shaky her composure was, somehow knowing how easily it would be to break it, emboldened Xie Lian in a way she didn’t think possible. Desire to her had always been something to be locked away until marriage, a dirty and unnecessary thing until then. But with San Niang it felt as right as breathing, an inevitable conclusion to all the longing that she had never had a name or a face to put to it until now.
When the first shoe hit the floor, Xie Lian let the moment stretch between them, thick and unspoken, before she reached for the other shoe. This one she deliberately let her hands linger, let her short nails scrape against skin occasionally, just to see the way that San Niang’s throat worked like she was swallowing a sigh or a moan. The two of them were breathing audibly when the second shoe hit the floor, and Xie Lian’s boldness knew no bounds now.
“San Niang, can I-?”
“Yes.” San Niang interrupted her quickly, before laughing at her rudeness and eagerness. “Anything you want jiejie. It’s always been yours.”
Xie Lian didn’t have to be told twice before she was surging up to kiss San Niang, the first a clumsy close mouthed try that left the both of them laughing at the absurdity of it all before they eased into something easier. Better. It didn’t take long for San Niang to coax Xie Lian’s mouth open, her clever tongue swiping into Xie Lian’s mouth, and when that earned her a moan, she sucked Xie Lian’s lip into her mouth. Quickly followed by her tongue.
When Xie Lian turned her head to get a better angle, they both gasped into each other’s mouth at the new accessibility, Xie Lian’s grip on San Niang’s thighs tightening. Xie Lian was painfully aware of each warm breath San Niang exhaled, each small noise, because she swallowed them down greedily. Her whole body felt hot and electric, a dying hearth that had been covered with ashes for so long that just a small log and a bit of tinder felt like a wildfire in how quickly it spread over her whole body.
When they broke away to messily catch their breath, Xie Lian was stunned by how cherry red, plump, and slick San Niang’s lips were. Her black hair had fallen out of its sloppy ponytail to flow in inky waves around San Niang’s perfect pale face, an invitation so easy to accept that Xie Lian cupped San Niang’s face between her rough hands and kissed her again, not as urgently this time but still full of intent.
‘It’s always been yours.’ San Niang had never lied to Xie Lian, despite the fact that she seemed to do so without compunction to everyone else. Sometimes just to be a brat, sometimes just to see their reactions, and other times because she had thought it wasn’t their business. For how enigmatic and hard to read others found her, Xie Lian had always thought San Niang had wore her heart on her sleeve around her. It made sense, if she had been patiently waiting for Xie Lian to take it this whole time.
“Jiejie can we move? This couch isn’t long enough for me to stretch out on.” San Niang half-complained at the ministrations, but she tipped her face up nonetheless for more kisses. The question held another layer in it that Xie Lian had grown up adept at refusing without outright doing so. But now, she clambered off of San Niang, embarrassed at how she suddenly realized how wet she was. Any attempt to squeeze her legs together as if to stop the flow only made the juncture of her legs throb more, empty and seeking.
“Before we… Before we go to bed, I should tell San Niang I’ve never… This is the first time that I’ve done anything.” San Niang smiled slightly, reaching for Xie Lian’s hands and squeezing them gently.
“Me too jiejie. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. This San Niang is just happy to be with you.” The declaration was said so levelly and with such sincerity that somehow it made Xie Lian’s stomach twist even hotter than when they had been kissing earlier.
“But I want to! I still haven’t used the um, butterfly that San Niang recommended to me… Who better to teach me than San Niang?”
If Xie Lian had thought that San Niang’s eye had been dark before, she now knew that wasn’t the case. There was still more desire she could incite in this gorgeous woman, and wordlessly she helped San Niang to her feet, and when it seemed like she was walking too slow, lifted her up bridal style despite her loud exhale and ‘oh my god’.
She deposited San Niang safely on her equally lumpy bed, but San Niang had slept there a few times before without complaint so Xie Lian refused to feel embarrassed about it. Or the fact that she unlocked the drawer holding the butterfly quick enough to break the lock off of it, depositing the unopened box between the two of them.
Wth deft, careful fingers, as if San Niang was unwrapping a present that she wanted to keep everything from the tape to the wrapping paper intact, she opened up the box.
“Would you feel more comfortable if we keep all of our clothes on?” San Niang asked carefully. While the thought of San Niang putting back on those shoes that Xie Lian had taken off just seconds before and wrecking her in ways she had only guiltily imagined was definitely a good one, one that she would revisit often, right now she wanted everything.
“I want to see you, San Niang. Can I?” There was a hesitation in San Niang’s demeanor that immediately made Xie Lian both want to swallow back her selfish request and to find whoever had made San Niang uncomfortable in her own skin and inflict unspeakable violence upon them. “You don’t have to! I’m going to because I’m so wet already I’m going to ruin all my clothes if I don’t.”
That seemed enough to break whatever strange mood had blanketed San Niang, as she laughed and reached out to bring Xie Lian in for another kiss, almost chaste despite what they were about to do.
“In that case, I’ll follow jiejie’s lead.”
When San Niang reached behind her to start to unzip her tight top, Xie Lian stopped her, torn between feeling tender and mad with impatience.
“Let me help.” Surprise flashed across San Niang’s face before she nodded mutely, none of her normal bravado in her demeanor.
“Can I help jiejie then too?”
The whole act devolved into small, soft kisses, limbs entangling as soon as clothes were shed, and the knowledge that San Niang was as helpless against Xie Lian’s praise as Xie Lian was to San Niang’s long legs brushing against hers.
In the moments when Xie Lian had been too tired to fight off such thoughts, she would have thought that this would have been more embarrassing. That there would be ridiculous high pitched moans, knees knocking together awkwardly, and the wetness that came from between her legs and the sweat on her skin would make the whole situation unbearable.
But it wasn’t like that with San Niang at all. Her moans and gasps were so quiet that Xie Lian had to have her ears close to her mouth, the intimacy of it all only making her burn hotter. When their legs knocked together, they both shared laughs and traded kisses between giggles. As for how slick San Niang made her, well, San Niang seemed to be suffering from the same problem. The scent of her arousal was warm and tart, somehow making Xie Lian’s mouth water.
Despite San Niang saying this was her first time, clearly working at Paradise Manor hadn’t been for nothing. The way she trailed hot kisses down Xie Lian’s neck, interspersed with bites harsh enough to make Xie Lian whine and grow wetter spoke of having imagined this countless times. The way San Niang kissed first between her breasts, cupping them as if they were sacred instruments, and then gently swallowing each nipple to tease with her tongue while her fingers twisted the other one was enough to put Xie Lian to the brink. The way that San Niang’s clever fingers eventually dipped between her legs, her eye asking for her if it was alright, if the way that Xie Lian kept begging for San Niang never to stop wasn’t enough, spoke of a practiced ease that had Xie Lian dizzy. One moment she was fighting against pleasure because it was so overwhelming and new she couldn’t help but reflexively rebell. Pain she knew all about, but pleasure was a new and scary opponent she wasn’t sure how to beat. But then San Niang reached up to twine their fingers together right before she swept her hot wet tongue over Xie Lian’s entrance and she was sent tumbling head first over the edge into pleasure, sobbing as she went.
Xie Lian had been in martial arts competitions where afterwards, every bone in her body seemed to be sore and bruised, every movement a small agony. This was the exact opposite: where no matter what seemed to be done to her body sent her over into pleasure again and again until she was loose and drunk on it.
“Jiejie, are you okay?” The smugness that Xie Lian loved was back in San Niang’s voice, and she couldn’t help but be buoyed by it, rolling towards the source of that honey smooth voice to press a kiss against her lips.
“I’m okay. But ah, San Niang! What about you?” San Niang laughed, this time tinged with a bit of embarrassment as she buried her face into Xie Lian’s neck.
“I’m more than okay. Jiejie is too beautiful! Just seeing you...” The implication was clear enough, and later Xie Lian would consciously make sure San Niang felt good, not just from watching Xie Lian dissolve into pleasure. She wriggled so that she could get San Niang’s face out of the crook of her neck and into her hands, and immediately she started showering her face with kisses.
“I should be saying that to San Niang. Thank you for the best night of my life.”
San Niang reached up to cover Xie Lian’s hands with her own, smiling softly.
“Jiejie, this is just the first of many. For as long as you’ll have me, I’ll do my best to make sure you’re always happy.”
---
The next morning over breakfast, which Xie Lian had wound up burning more than normal because San Niang kept distracting her with kisses, it suddenly occurred to her.
“San Niang, what did you get Shi Qingxuan?”
“Oh, that? He Xuan should have finally asked them out on a proper date.” San Niang glanced at her phone uninterestedly, which had been buzzing all morning with notifications. “It seems to have gone well.”
She squeezed Xie Lian tighter in her embrace, pressing a few kisses against Xie Lian’s neck, making her laugh as she added smugly, “But not as well as our night.”