Work Text:
Summer sky blue is the color of the sky when Seungmin first lays eyes on Jisung. It’s near the tail end of summer, right before his last year in middle school, when Jisung moves into the beach town full of old— no, ancient homes. Overgrown and full of stories.
The air is damp and humid, the sky heavy with clouds. Rain accumulates above him, but the forecast predicts the actual storm to be three days from now. Still, Seungmin is racing against the clock. The last time he got caught in the rain had left him with a fractured wrist and a fear of getting back on his bike for three months. He doesn’t want a repeat of that.
Cicadas thrum in Seungmin’s ears like drums, seagulls cry overhead, and the wind whips at his face; hot, uncomfortable, and stuffy. There’s sweat gathering between his shoulder blades and dripping down his neck, pooling in his collarbones. Sweat means pink cheeks; sweat means headaches when he gets home. He hates summer.
Jisung had just moved in one street over from Seungmin. Seungmin has known about it for a while, ever since he came home a few weeks earlier from the playground to see the “for sale” sign that had been in that house’s yard forever finally gone. His mother finally had something to talk about, his sister had something new to make jokes about, and Seungmin hadn’t really cared all that much. He had continued about his business as usual; library in the morning, boardwalk in the afternoon, bedroom at night.
When he rides past the house, drenched in sweat and exhausted, he was surprised to see the new neighbors unpacking a big truck. Their kid sits on the curb, drawing absently with a stick in the thin layer of dirt and sand that had gathered up over the months. Seungmin’s first impression is, why isn’t he helping, his parents are doing all the work, but then he remembers not to judge a book by its cover. His dad always told him that wasn’t a nice thing to do. And he never judges books by their covers. He just prefers the red ones.
The longer Seungmin stares, the more he notices about the boy. He looks scraggly, messy bangs hiding his eyes. An old, red and worn hoodie hangs off his frame, almost swallowing him whole. His knees sport matching band-aids, and there’s a littering of purple bruises across his shins. Seungmin sees those a lot on the kids at the skatepark. Seungmin doesn’t like purple very much. But he wonders if the boy skates.
He makes eye contact with the kid across the street, when he notices him staring. There’s a bandaid on his cheek. The kid starts to open his mouth when his dad barks something at him and he flees into the house. Seungmin hurries off when the dad shoots him a glare.
“Isn’t it great?” His mom sings at dinner that night. “New neighbors, new friends. I hear they have two kids. One is closer to your age, Minnie.” The little boy in red.
“Where do you even find these things out, mom?” Seungmin’s sister laughs.
Seungmin hasn’t really contributed much to the conversation. He doesn’t get what was so great about new neighbors, it's just more people to worry about yelling at him when he’s riding his bike through the neighborhood. He can't really blame his mom though, she hasn’t had much to be excited about these days. Sometimes Seungmin wonders if she forgets what excitement feels like, she never got much of it when his dad was still around, and now that he’s gone, she’s relearning so many things. His sister has mentioned she worries about her, Seungmin isn’t sure he understands.
Later that night, when he can't sleep, he climbs up onto his roof to stare at the stars and soak up the remains of the summer sun from the shingles. He finds the big dipper and the little dipper in the sky, he finds Orion, he finds Andromeda, and he remembers his dad telling him the ancient myths about the different constellations.
The breeze carries the smell of the ocean and rain when it blows past. Seungmin inhales deeply. He likes the smell of rain. He likes the salty smell of the ocean. He likes blue, but only sometimes. Blue reminds him of storms.
He hears wheels. And then he hears a voice.
“Are you dead?” The voice asks. They sound nervous.
Seungmin debates staying still in hopes of the person continuing on their way. It’s late, and he really doesn’t feel like explaining to his mom why he’s on the roof if the person wakes her. But then again, they might call the police if he doesn’t move.
“Mind your own business,” Seungmin calls back, keeping his eyes to the sky. “If I want to be dead, then it's none of your concern.”
“Aren’t you scared of falling off?” The person disregards Seungmin’s statement.
“Did you not hear me?” Seungmin grumbles, pushing himself up to see who’s disturbing him.
He’s surprised to see the new kid standing on the sidewalk in front of his house, skateboard in hand and red hood hiding his face from the orange light pooling around the street from the lamps. Briefly, Seungmin wonders what he’s doing out so late, but then he thinks he doesn’t really care.
“Oh,” The kid says, their confusion morphing into shock. “It’s you, from earlier.”
“Yeah, it’s me,” Seungmin hums. “It’s like, midnight. Isn’t it past your bedtime?”
“Isn’t it past yours?”
Seungmin blinks once, then twice, then he rolls his eyes. He realizes he doesn’t have to deal with this kid. So he climbs back to his room through his window. He spares one last glance at the street, where the boy just watches, before he shuts his window and his blinds. He throws himself onto his bed and burrows under his red duvet. Talking to people isn’t his strong suit, especially late at night and especially when their dad looks like the angriest man alive.
So he makes a silent vow to avoid the kid as much as he can. Even when his mom talks too much about the new neighbors and his sister wonders aloud if the eldest son will go to her school. He doesn’t understand their need to gossip, so he just keeps his mouth shut and minds his own business. He can’t really bring himself to care about the new neighbors.
Except, five days later, Seungmin sees the boy again.
This time, it's under his tree overlooking the beach.
The boy is laying in the grass, eyes closed, arms outstretched. The sunlight dapples his face through the tree, illuminating a faint scar across his forehead where his bangs have fallen away. The hood of his jacket is bunched up under his head like a pillow and his sleeves are pulled up, displaying a collection of bruises along one of the boy’s arms, still purple, still fresh. Seungmin tells himself the boy just had an accident. He tells himself the dried tear tracks on the boy’s face are from falling off his skateboard, which lays discarded by the base of the tree.
He doesn’t like purple. Purple looks wrong.
“Find a different spot,” Seungmin huffs, dropping his bike in the grass and leaning over the boy.
“No, this one's nice,” The boy hums. He wiggles a little in the grass as if to emphasize his point. “Can hear the waves.”
“It’s mine,” Seungmin grumbles, fixing the boy with a searing glare. He places his hands on his hips.
“Your name wasn’t on it,” The boy opens one eye to look up at Seungmin, and he smiles. His eyes look like sunshine. They feel like a color Seungmin can’t name. “Hello, boy from the roof.”
“Hello, boy who can’t mind his business,” Seungmin retorts. He taps the boy’s shoulder with his shoe. Despite wanting to seem annoyed, the boy’s sunshine eyes make it hard to be. They make him feel warm, the same way the sun does on good days. “Now, shoo. I have important business to attend to.”
“You look like a puppy,” The boy says instead. He holds his hands up to his head, mimicking floppy ears. There’s a rubber band on his wrist. The boy giggles and cocks his head. “Say, “meong” !”
Seungmin blinks a few times. He least expected that. Never in his (almost) fourteen years of life has someone asked him to bark. His sister has compared him to a Puppy before, but she’s never done anything like that.
“You’re a bad listener,” Seungmin mutters and walks around the boy, peeking into the bushes behind the tree. He kneels and opens his bag, pulling out a ziploc bag full of food pellets, two old plastic bowls, and a water bottle.
As he’s preparing everything, a presence appears at his shoulder. He glances up to see the boy watching him with rapt curiosity.
“Is that cat food?” He wrinkles his nose, side eyeing Seungmin in uncertainty.
“Leave me alone,” Seungmin says.
The boy doesn’t listen. He plops himself down next to Seungmin, staring at him expectantly, as if Seungmin is going to explain what he’s doing.
Seungmin ignores him and pushes the bowls into the bush. The water sloshes onto his hand, but he just wipes it off on his pants and watches the food hopefully. The kid tilts his head, confused yet curious, as they sit and watch the bush in silence. This is a part of his daily summer routine that no one else knows about, and Seungmin isn’t happy about sharing it with the new kid. He doesn't feel like fighting to get him to leave, so he remains indifferent towards him. Maybe if he ignores him long enough, he’ll just leave.
Just as Seungmin is getting worried, two little orange heads and a little calico pop out of the leaves, cautiously sniffing the edge of the bowl of food, much to his relief. The boy gasps softly, his eyes as wide as saucers. The mother cat appears a moment later and laps at the water, barely giving the two kids a second glance.
Seungmin found the mother and her babies a couple weeks back, around the same time the new kid’s house went off the market. He had heard the tiny mewls and spotted the mother nestled among the leaves of the bush, her three little kittens feeding at her belly. He made eye contact with the cat, and felt the sudden need to care for the family even though he knew his mother wouldn’t let him keep them. Which is exactly why he hasn’t named them.
“She’s pretty,” The boy whispers, eyes sparkling. “Will she let me pet her?”
Seungmin shakes his head. He closes his bag and stands, brushing himself off before returning to his bike. “She won’t let anyone get close yet.”
“Oh,” the boy deflates a little. He looks at Seungmin, a frown on his face. “Where are you going, Puppy boy?”
“Somewhere secret,” Seungmin answers, finality in his tone. He meets the boy’s eyes, narrows his own, and then points at the boy. “You look like a little Squirrel.”
The boy blinks, but he doesn’t look offended. He just stares off in the distance thoughtfully, and then smiles. It makes his cheeks rounder than they already are. “Squirrel and Puppy.”
“No, just Puppy on his own,” Seungmin shakes his head and mounts his bike. “Bye bye, Squirrel. Find a new spot before I come back.”
“Wait—” The boy scrambles to his feet, a hand outstretched to stop Seungmin before he leaves. “It’s funny calling you ‘Puppy’, but I wanna know your name.”
“Will you leave me alone if I tell you?” Seungmin asks.
The boy taps his chin as if considering the question, and then he just shrugs, moving his hands to hold them behind his back. When he bounces on the balls of his feet and smiles innocently, Seungmin knows the answer is definitely a no.
Still, he decides there’s no harm.
“My name is Seungmin,” He sighs.
“Nice to meet you, Seungmin,” The boy hums and bows, low and dramatic. “Han Jisung, but you can just call me ‘Jisung’.”
“I think I’ll stick to ‘Squirrel,’” Seungmin scoffs and lifts his kickstand with his foot. “See you never, Squirrel!” He calls over his shoulder as he rides down the hill, out of sight of the boy with the painted skin and sunshine eyes.
They don’t see each other again until school starts.
In the weeks leading up to that, he continues to check on the mother cat and her babies. Jisung had listened and found somewhere new, but Seungmin knew he kept coming back when he’d see empty wet food cans left among the bushes. At first, he’d been upset, scolded himself for sharing this secret with the boy he hardly knew. But then he noticed that the kittens were gaining more energy from the meals and were becoming friendlier. Eventually, the mother would venture closer and closer until Seungmin could pet her. Perhaps Jisung caring for them as well wasn’t too bad.
Honestly, Seungmin spends most of his time leading up to the first day of school wondering about the boy. He is a little upset that his mother’s curiosity was rubbing off on him when he found himself contemplating riding past the boy’s house to see if he was okay, but he withholds himself. He doesn’t make friends very easily, and the new kid in the neighborhood who he’s talked to a total of two times is no exception. The only time he’s really made a ‘friend’ was Na Jaemin, two grades back, and their teacher paired them for most projects because they were the only two who actually put in the effort. Jaemin was okay, Seungmin supposes, but he moved away after that year. So Seungmin went from one friend to no friends again.
Unfortunately, that was the same summer his dad passed, so the next school year had been… hard on him. Living in a small town means that word travels fast, and being known as the kid with a dead parent with no one to lean on wasn’t easy. But he’s always been used to being alone, so eventually he ignored the pitiful stares and quiet whispers shared in his wake, and held his head high. He would only cry late at night, with only the stars to bear witness. Eventually, he stopped crying. And now, he never does.
He continues with his days as usual— library, cats, home, repeat —until it becomes time to start preparing for back to school, until it’s the night before the first day, and until it’s the first bell that marks the end of summer and the beginning of another school year. It’s the same musty halls with new teachers and the same mean and selfish classmates that have followed him all through elementary and middle school. Seungmin looks forward to the new workload, to the distractions it will give him, and to the excuses he will have to hole himself up in his room and block out the world.
And then, unexpectedly, Han Jisung comes barreling back into his life like a hurricane, all flailing limbs and dropped books and flabbergasted shrieks.
“Watch where you’re going next time!” Seungmin hisses, feeling around for his glasses among the mess of books and papers. All he can think is why the heck this kid doesn’t have a binder or a book bag for any of their things.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” The kid repeats like a mantra, and then Seungmin is being handed his glasses. “I’m supposed to be home before five but it’s already 4:40 and my house is so far away.” He sounds frantic. “I’m so sorry.”
Seungmin sets his glasses on his nose and meets Jisung’s wet eyes. He’s a little shocked, taking in the sight of the band-aid on Jisung’s cheek, his rushed appearance, and the quiver of his red, scabbed bottom lip. And then realization settles in and, oh no, did I make him cry?! Then the panic hits him hard. “I-I’m sorry for snapping! Please don’t cry!”
“No! No, you’re right! I should’ve slowed down!” Jisung squeaks, flailing his hands in Seungmin’s face. And then he checks his watch and inhales sharply, jumping on his books to collect all of them. “Crap, crap, crap!”
“Do you need a ride home?” Seungmin blurts out before he can stop himself. Jisung halts, turning to face Seungmin, who just smiles sheepishly. He doesn’t know why he offered. Why did he offer? Why doesn’t he just leave?
“Are… are you sure?” Jisung’s brows knit together.
“It’s on the way,” Seungmin shrugs, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “You can put your things in my bag,” he offers, and begins picking up the few papers strewn across the concrete. “You’ll have to carry it, though.” He can’t just go back on the offer now. What harm will it do, anyways?
“What do you want in return?” Jisung asks slowly, as if he’s still unsure that Seungmin isn’t kidding. Seungmin doesn’t understand why he would need anything in return for helping Jisung get home on time. He knows what it’s like being home late. His dad would always be upset if he wasn't. Seungmin never understood why. But he knows the feeling of fear when you’re running late.
When Seungmin stands and holds a hand out to help Jisung up, the boy’s expression finally relaxes, and he exhales in relief.
“Stop feeding my cats,” Seungmin says, but honestly, he’s joking more than anything.
“No,” Jisung shakes his head. A smile creeps onto his face. His eyes turn into sunshine again.
“Okay,” Seungmin narrows his eyes. “Help me name them.”
“That's it?”
Seungmin nods. At this point, the cat family belongs to both of them. Seungmin has already accepted that. But he wants to stop calling them ‘momma cat, kitten one, kitten two, and kitten three’. And perhaps, if he shows his mom how much the family trusts him now, she’ll let him keep them.
“Okay, deal. Now, let's hurry,” Jisung nods. Seungmin takes his bag off and hands it to Jisung, helping him stuff his books inside before the pair hurry to the bike rack.
“This is a one time thing only, okay?” Seungmin states clearly as Jisung climbs onto the back of the bike, hands braced on Seungmin’s shoulders. “You help me name my cats and then we go our separate ways.”
“Your lone wolf schtick is boring,” Jisung deadpans. Seungmin ignores him.
The ride to Jisung’s house is silent save for the wind, the cars, and the cicadas and seagulls singing a symphony to the pair. Jisung drums a beat on Seungmin's shoulder and Seungmin finds himself imitating the beat with his thumbs on the handlebars of his bike.
Seungmin has never thought of his bike rides as lonely, but with the silent song shared between him and Jisung, and the unfamiliar familiar warmth of Jisung behind him, he realizes that maybe his bike rides are a little lonely.
But he’ll never admit it, of course. And when he finally pulls up to Jisung’s house, steadying the bike and helping the boy step off with an outstretched hand, he tells himself that he’ll still be fine riding home alone. He won’t be lonely when he has himself. He’s used to being alone.
“Thank you,” Jisung says. “Do you want to come in so I don’t have to bring your bag back out to you? My dad isn’t home yet—” he gestures to the empty driveway— “And mom and hyung are probably running errands so it's safe.”
“Why wouldn’t it be otherwise?” Seungmin finds himself asking, but then Jisung winces. And then he thinks of Jisung’s bruises. Suddenly, he doesn’t want to know. “Nevermind. Sure, I’ll come in.”
“Cool,” Jisung nods, and Seungmin walks his bike to the door before following the boy inside.
“You can just wait here or come to my room. This will only take a second,” Jisung tells him and disappears deeper into the house.
Seungmin stays at the door, unsure of whether he should venture further in. This feels like forbidden territory, and he wouldn’t want to risk Jisung getting in trouble because of him. So he stares at his dirty shoes, bouncing up on the balls of his feet. He looks over at the once-white, now-yellowed shoe rack by the door. Seungmin knows it's nicotine that has dirtied the painted wood. He can smell it in the air. Sometimes he likes yellow. It’s a happy color, a healing color. He doesn't like that yellow though.
Shoes aren’t even left on the rack as they should be, rather strewn across the small foyer in an unorganized, messy pile. An old, black leather jacket sits among them like an intruder, having fallen from the coat rack. Seungmin picks it up, and hangs it once more on the tiny hook. It looks out of place among the very fluffy white coat that Seungmin assumes belongs to Jisung’s mother, and an old, camo print raincoat that Seungmin can’t decide whether it belongs to his dad or brother. Either way, he does decide that the men in this house have crappy tastes. Unlike Jisung, with his baggy, red hoodie that looks more like a tent on the boy’s small, scraggly frame. Red is a good color. Red is a color that scares away the bad. Seungmin likes red.
And when Jisung returns, he seems calmer. Like he’s relieved to be home on time. Seungmin checks his watch. There's three minutes to spare til five. He must’ve been rushing unknowingly.
He takes his bag back from Jisung, throwing it over his shoulders. “Meet me at that tree this weekend, okay?” He says, holding the straps of his backpack. “Better come prepared with some names.”
“Yeah, I’ll try,” Jisung nods. He sniffles and holds a hand out, smiling just slightly. “Thanks for the ride, Puppy.”
“Uh huh,” Seungmin hums. He glances at Jisung’s hand before just waving slightly. “See you never, Squirrel.” He says before leaving the house. When he mounts his bike and glances at the front door, Jisung is leaning against the porch railing, waving enthusiastically. Seungmin scoffs, but waves back, and continues his ride home.
Yellow is also the color of sunshine. It’s a happy color. Seungmin thinks it's odd that a boy with sunshine eyes can be painted purple. A good color deserves better than a wrong color.
The weekend comes faster than Seungmin expected. He was a little nervous to name the cats, simply because he didn’t want the attachment that came with it. Deep down he knows he’s already too attached already, but naming the cats just solidifies that. And to name them with someone’s spoken to a total of three times now— that just adds to the anxiety. Maybe it’s because he struggles to trust people or because he doesn't want to get attached to Jisung too. Whatever it is has his stomach churning for the next three days.
When Saturday rolls around, Seungmin wakes up early. He rushes breakfast and leaves home before his mother or sister can keep him there any longer than he wants to be. In his bag are two books to pass the time while he waits for Jisung. He’s close to finishing one, and he knows he’ll probably be done with it by the time Jisung arrives.
Books and stars. That's what Seungmin has always known best. His favorite books are the red ones. Those have the best stories; the stories of adventure and far off worlds for him to escape to, where he has nothing to worry about except what happens next in chapter ten. His favorite stars are the ones that shine the brightest, twinkling so high in the sky, so far out of reach, yet beckon to Seungmin. Reaching for him as he reaches for them. Someday he will truly be among them, and then maybe, he’ll finally belong someplace.
But for now, he’ll read of daring sword fights and true love shared in the moonlight and epic tales of heroism in the red, hard-covered books he holds dear to his heart. He’ll chart the cosmos on his ceiling with glow in the dark stars and lay awake at night, planning a future among the real things.
And in this exact moment, he’ll wait under his tree, the sun threatening to break through the thick, leafy canopy overhead with a kitten attacking his shoelaces and the familiar and warm sounds of the little feline’s family in the bushes behind him. The waves will call for him, and he’ll watch the seagulls circle above and cry out to him. He’ll imagine a future on the sea, with only the stars and the water and his books and his cats.
He’s getting to the good part of his book now, turning the pages and consuming the words in a way he’s never done before, letting the story suck him in and drop him right in the middle of the action. He can feel the adrenaline pumping through him just as it is for the main character, can feel her desperation as she races against the clock to save the day, can—
“Whatcha reading?”
The words cut through his daze like a freshly sharpened knife, startling him so bad he almost drops his book. He looks up to see Jisung’s face hovering mere inches from his own where the boy leans over the book. Jisung smiles in a greeting. Seungmin just rolls his eyes and pushes him away.
“Ever heard of personal space?” Seungmin grumbles. The kitten attacking his shoe, a little orange tabby, is now climbing his way up his pant leg. He whines and mewls, clawing at his blue, sun-bleached hoodie, demanding his attention.
For him, Seungmin smiles, small and fond, as he scoops him up and holds him close to his chest. In the afternoon sun, his orange coat turns almost red like the parts of a fire where orange and red mix together. He looks like a bright little flame, and his green eyes turning almost black from his blown pupils; This kitten is the most curious of the three, brave and daring. He is not scared of Seungmin, quite the opposite actually. Seungmin hopes that if he cannot keep all the cats, he can at least keep this one.
“You’re smiling,” Jisung points out, sticking a finger in Seungmin’s face. “I think so, at least. Or is your face broken?”
“My face is fine,” Seungmin mutters. The fire orange kitten nuzzles against his cheek, a silent comfort. “So, what are your ideas?” He asks in an attempt to change the subject.
Jisung perks up immediately. The paler of the two orange kittens stumbles over to him. Seungmin watches as Jisung leans down to the feline’s level and scratches under his chin. The look of utter bliss on the kitten’s face is truly the only thing that even matters in that moment.
“Honestly, I’m not sure,” Jisung hums. He presses his cheek against the grass, tapping the pale orange kitten’s head with a little, dirt-crusted finger. “I just kept thinking about art. And music. But I don’t think naming a cat, ‘clef note’ or ‘pencil’ is a good idea.”
And Seungmin actually snickers to himself at the thought. He has to agree with Jisung. The fire orange kitten mewls at him, pressing his little forehead against his cheekbone and pushing his glasses up and off his nose bridge. He tries to detach him from his shoulder, but the kitten barely budges.
“I once knew a cat named ‘Fluffernutter,’” Jisung adds. “He was this big, angry-looking, fluffy cat that looked like the momma cat. He hated everyone except the old man who lived on the third floor of our apartment building. Dad called him a nut— the cat, not the man. But he called the man ‘nutcracker’ cause he’s the only one Fluffernutter liked.”
“‘Fluffernutter’ is a funny name,” Seungmin snorts. He looks down at the orange kitten in his lap. “But these cats aren’t mean or hateful. They deserve nice names.”
“Any ideas, then?” Jisung asks, the pale orange kitten is playing with his sleeve now.
Seungmin thinks about the stars. The little calico kitten trots over and leaps at Jisung’s untied shoelaces, tumbling left and right as she gets herself tangled in them. The mother watches from a patch of sunlight, eyes half closed and a purr echoing deep in her chest. He thinks about taking this little family to see the stars. He thinks about the reflection of the cosmos in their wide, curious eyes.
“This one should be named ‘Antares,’” Seungmin points to the kitten on his shoulder. He gives a big meow — or at least, as big as his small body can produce. Seungmin thinks he agrees with the name.
“What does that mean?” Jisung pushes himself up to look at Seungmin, pouting. There’s grass and dirt sticking to his cheek.
“It’s the name of a star,” Seungmin tells him. Then he points to the other orange kitten. “Pollux,” then the calico, “Polaris,” and then the mother, who mews a little in response, “and Vega.”
“You like stars,” Is all Jisung answers.
When Seungmin looks at him, he’s a little caught off guard by the look of utter awe he’s met with. It makes his cheeks flush. “They’re interesting,” He mumbles and rubs his nose. Antares headbutts his cheek again. “That’s all.”
“Tell me about them,” Jisung shifts so he’s sitting cross legged, propping his chin on his hands. He looks at Seungmin with rapt curiosity, ready to drink in his every word. Pollux curls in his lap, and Polaris continues to play with his shoelaces, but all of Jisung’s attention is on Seungmin.
Seungmin doesn’t know what to do with it. And he’s not ready to leave the kittens, not now. But he doesn’t want to bore Jisung. People always get so bored when he talks about the stars. His dad was the only one who listened, his dad was the only one who helped. His sister is too busy with her friends these days. Mom never listens to anything except herself. Why should Jisung be any different?
“You’ll get bored,” Seungmin mutters. He stares at his lap, at the old grass stains on his whitewashed jeans. He thinks he got those from falling off his bike. “Most people think stars are boring.”
“So make them not boring,” Jisung is relentless. Seungmin hates it.
“Our deal was you help me name my cats,” Seungmin says sharply. He fists the old, rough fabric of his jeans. He tries to push down the tightness in his chest. He feels purple but not quite. “Not talk about dumb things like the stars.”
“Why don’t you like me?” Jisung murmurs. His voice is so soft, but there's a certain edge to it. Seungmin can’t figure out what it is. He’s not sure if he wants to know. And when he sees Jisung mess with the rubber band around his wrist, all Seungmin can focus on is the little pink splotches left in its place. He likes red, but he doesn't like pink. Pink feels not okay. Sometimes it feels okay, but not like that.
“I like the rain,” Seungmin murmurs. “I like the stars. Sometimes sunshine is too bright.” He pauses and looks towards the sky, sticking his tongue in his cheek. He squints at the sun. “I like it, but only sometimes.”
“What do you mean?” Jisung just sounds lost now. Seungmin knows he won't understand. He doesn’t want to help him understand.
“Nevermind,” Seungmin shakes his head. He finally looks at Jisung. His eyes are less like sunshine and more like clouds now. Is that possible? He feels like a person should only be one thing. Seungmin is a night time sky, that’s what his dad always said. His sister is lightning. His mother is a river. His dad was… well, Seungmin doesn’t know. He never figured it out. Some days his dad was a scary storm. Some days he was a spring breeze. Other days, he was a calm ocean or quiet rain. People didn’t like his dad because he was too many things.
“Am I sunshine?” Jisung asks anyway. There’s a thoughtful look in his eyes. Seungmin doesn't understand. No one ever asks when he says those things. They just stop listening.
“Your eyes are sunshine,” Seungmin answers before he can stop himself. “Sunshine is yellow, yellow is happy. But purple isn’t. I don’t know how I feel about you.”
“Purple?” Jisung cocks his head, and quickly his confusion is replaced by realization. “Oh. Purple. Is that a bad thing?”
“My dad was purple a lot,” Seungmin shrugs. He stares at the grass, watches it dance in the breeze. “When he would yell, he would turn purple. Purple is scary. Purple means hurt. It hurts to worry about people.”
“I’m sorry,” Jisung whispers. Slowly, he maneuvers Pollux out of his lap despite the kitten’s protests. Seungmin just watches, but he doesn’t say anything. “I should probably get going, anyways.”
“Can you stay safe?” Seungmin blurts. Out of worry, out of… he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything when it comes to Jisung. Why is Jisung making everything muddled? “Stay yellow. I like yellow.” His gaze drifts to the hoodie Jisung wears like a piece of armor, and adds as an afterthought, “I like red too.”
“My hoodie is red,” Jisung holds an arm out, gesturing to the sleeve. His eyes are becoming sunshine again. Seungmin isn’t sure if he still wants Jisung to go away.
“Red is a good color,” Seungmin nods. He remembers when he would feel purple all the time. He and Jisung don’t have a lot in common, he doesn’t think so at least. Jisung is loud and nosy, Seungmin is everything but. But they’ve both been purple before. Jisung is too bright and too loud and Seungmin doesn’t know things around him, but they share a color. A color that feels bad. But he thinks they share red too. Maybe that’s okay.
“Okay,” Jisung nods. He holds a hand out to Seungmin. An offering. “I’ll stay safe, Puppy.”
“Okay. Good,” Seungmin nods. He takes Jisung's hand and pulls himself to his feet. Antares sinks his claws into the material of his hoodie to hold on tight. “I’ll find you later, Squirrel.”
When Jisung leaves, skipping down the hill and through the park, out of sight, Seungmin smiles. He doesn't make friends very easily, but Jisung makes things seem too easy. He’s red and purple and sunshine and clouds. He’s too many things at once. Seungmin likes people who are too many things. The people who are too many things are the most interesting.
Yellow is the color of the sky when Seungmin decides that maybe he can make a friend, if even just one.
☀︎︎☀︎︎☀︎︎
Jisung makes most things easy. But trying to understand Jisung is not easy. It makes Seungmin’s head swim.
As the weeks continue, school becomes more demanding, and Seungmin sees less of Jisung. It’s mostly between classes and on weekends and fleeting moments shared at the tree with the kittens. They feed the family together and call them by their names so much that they begin to answer to it. And then Jisung is disappearing as quickly as he came.
When Seungmin sees him between classes, they talk in quiet places like the alcove outside the bathrooms or by the water fountain no one uses. Seungmin gets more weird looks than he usually would. He ignores them. When Jisung asks why people stare, Seungmin just tells him the question is purple. Jisung stops asking.
Jisung is confusing to understand— hard to understand because for all his nosiness, he doesn't give much in return. Seungmin has answers when Jisung asks, even if they're not normal answers. Jisung just has silence when asked, so Seungmin stops asking the questions Jisung gives him.
When a kid says Jisung is weird for hanging around Seungmin, Jisung says he looks like an alien. Seungmin doesn't really get it, but the look the kid gave in response was enough to make the pair giggle. When Seungmin asks why Jisung didn’t agree with the kid, Jisung doesn’t answer. Seungmin definitely doesn’t understand why.
There are some things Seungmin does get answers for though, like Jisung’s favorite color (also red because it's like armor) or Jisung’s favorite word (‘ funky’ because it's fun to say). Seungmin doesn’t ask a lot, but he asks easy questions, questions that let Jisung hide.
When Jisung asks about colors on a weekend with the cats, Seungmin wants to hide. But Jisung makes talking easy. Jisung listens, and he tries to understand. Seungmin is reminded of his dad.
“I used to be purple too,” Seungmin tells him. “When my dad would turn purple.”
“Purple is a bad color,” Jisung nods in affirmation. He considers Seungmin with an expression Seungmin can’t place. He’s good at reading books. He’s not good at reading people. “Are you purple now?”
“No. I’m not anything,” Seungmin looks at the ground. He picks at the grass and throws it into the wind. It carries it away, out of sight. Polaris tries to chase it, but her mother calls her back. She listens well. “I’m an empty night sky. Black. lonely.”
“There’s no such thing as an empty night sky,” Jisung laughs. “And the night sky isn’t black, it’s just a really dark blue.”
Seungmin shrugs. “Still lonely.”
“Then I can be a moon,” Jisung leans back on his hands, turning his eyes to the clouds above. “Sunlight reflects off the moon, so I can still be sunshine. Just more bearable. Then you won’t be lonely.”
Seungmin never understands anything when it comes to Jisung. He never understands the boy’s persistence to understand him . Loneliness, self-preservation, and being an outcast is all Seungmin knows. Getting close to people is— well, it’s hard. Jisung makes it harder. Especially when he tries so hard to make Seungmin feel a little less like an outcast and a little more like he belongs somewhere. He’s always thought his place would be among the stars, but Jisung stubbornly tells him otherwise in every way except verbal. Sometimes it’s annoying, other times it's comforting. If he had to give it a color, it would be blue.
“I like when you’re yellow, though,” Seungmin tells him. Jisung gives him a look that is three parts thoughtful, one part confused. Seungmin just ignores him and lets Antares play with his hoodie sleeve.
It's the night that his sister, out of the blue, asks him, “color?” that Seungmin really stops and thinks about everything that's changed since Jisung appeared. His sister started asking him that shortly after their dad passed, when he would start answering questions with, “purple”. He supposes it was her weird way of trying to connect with him, and he supposes it kind of helped.
He would usually answer her with purple or green. Green is not a bad color, but it is not a good color either. Seungmin just doesn’t like green because he thinks it’s boring, and sometimes feels bad. But this time, he answers with red. A good color, an exciting color. Jisung’s hoodie and his books and Antares’ fur in the setting sun.
“You like red,” His sister comments.
“Red is good,” Seungmin nods in affirmation. His sister just smiles and ruffles his hair, leaving the conversation at that. He doesn’t understand, but she seemed satisfied, so he doesn’t ask.
But then he stays up all night thinking about why he said red. Red is the armor he would wear on nights his dad turned purple, when he would hide beneath his duvet and count the constellations he could name off the top of his head. Red is the color of the stories he dreams about, his favorite places to escape to. Red is the color of the cat who has chosen him, and he thinks red is the color of the sunshine-moonlight boy who is too many things at once.
He likes red. And maybe he likes that Jisung is red.
It’s that night, in his red armor with his glowing star chart, Seungmin realizes Jisung is his friend. It makes him smile.
A Friday at the end of September, Seungmin bumps into Jisung after school. It isn’t an unusual occurrence for them, since they typically go in the same direction to get home anyways, but Jisung hasn't been to school in a few days. Seungmin knows because he hasn’t seen him at his locker. He hasn’t seen him in the little alcove between the janitor’s closet or the music room. He hasn’t seen him in the art room during lunch, hunched over a shitty piece of paper with charcoal stained hands. He had wondered and had worried, but he didn’t ask. He didn’t think they were friends who asked about each other.
But now, seeing Jisung purple and cloudy and looking more like an empty night sky than the moon, he wished he had asked. The red hoodie can’t even rival Jisung’s purple this time. It’s like it surrounds him like a fog. There’s a bruise on the side of his neck and jaw. It makes Seungmin think of his dad.
“Sorry,” Jisung mutters. Seungmin only belatedly realizes his friend had dropped a red book. A heavy red book. A book Seungmin owns as well.
“You’re purple today,” Seungmin tells him. He kneels to pick up the book, handing it to his friend.
“Yeah,” Jisung nods. His hand flies up to his neck, and then he pulls his hood up. “Sorry. I know you don’t like purple.”
Seungmin frowns. He grabs Jisung’s hand and leads him to his bike wordlessly, taking the book from him and stuffing it into his bag for safekeeping before mounting his bike. He looks at Jisung expectantly, and Jisung hesitates briefly before climbing onto the back so Seungmin can take him home.
Seungmin has only been in Jisung’s house once, and when he steps foot inside again, he still thinks it's forbidden territory. But this time, he follows Jisung further in, sticking close to his friend. On the couch sits a woman who looks so much like Jisung, and next to her sits a boy who looks much older than Jisung but still resembles him. He tunes an old guitar as the woman talks about things Seungmin doesn't understand. He assumes they're Jisung’s mom and brother.
“I’m home,” Jisung calls out. No one bats an eye. His mom keeps talking. His brother laughs at something she says. Jisung rolls his eyes.
“Green,” Seungmin murmurs to him as they venture deeper into the house.
Jisung’s room is nice. Seungmin likes the action figures lined across his desk. He likes the well-loved sketchbooks stashed in a box by the window. He likes the puzzle piece throw rug, colored soft blues and reds. Jisung’s sheets have race cars on them and his duvet has little bears on it. He likes how mismatched they are. He likes the mess, and he likes the glow in the dark stars on his ceiling.
“Your room is cool,” Seungmin comments. He takes the red book out of the backpack and gently sets it on the chipped, wooden nightstand. It looks like a beacon of hope among the purple fog in the room.
“Mom says it's too messy,” Jisung sticks his head in the closet and digs through it before brandishing a can of cat food. He tosses it to Seungmin. “For our cats.”
“Where do you get this stuff?” Seungmin turns the can over in his hands. He knows it's expensive. He knows Jisung’s family doesn’t buy him things. When he looks at his friend, the boy just looks away and checks his watch.
“My dad will be home soon,” He whispers.
“Purple,” Seungmin adds.
When Jisung walks him to the sidewalk, he's something Seungmin can’t figure out. He doesn’t like how quiet Jisung is. He doesn’t like how purple Jisung is. He wants to hold his hand or hug him, but he doesn’t.
“See you tomorrow?” Seungmin asks as he mounts his bike. “Please say yes, or I’ll stay here and cry until you do and I don’t like crying.”
“No, ‘see you never’?” Jisung tries to tease. It works. They both laugh. “Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow, Puppy.”
Seungmin gives him a fist bump. It’s a little awkward, but Jisung smiles. He looks a little more like sunshine then.
Seungmin decides he likes the time he spends with Jisung the more it happens. He likes that when they're together, they don’t always need to talk. Seungmin doesn't really know what to say sometimes, he doesn’t know how to talk to people. With most, it’s awkward; he has to think of something to fill the silence. With Jisung, they can simply exist in the same space.
He never thought of his tree as a lonely place, since the cats and the ocean keep him company. But the more Jisung accompanies him up the hill and plays with the cats or draws in his sketchbook while Seungmin reads or tells him silly stories he came up with off the top of his head, Seungmin starts to realize that maybe his tree has been a little lonely. On the days when Jisung doesn’t come to the tree with him, the spot where the boy usually sits feels a little emptier than usual, and the air is a little quieter than Seungmin likes.
When autumn begins, Seungmin watches Jisung strip his skateboard.
“What are you doing?” He frowns and picks up the bits of rough board tape that Jisung discards in the grass. “Don’t you need this?”
“I do,” Jisung answers. He grabs the package next to him and rips it open, revealing the material he just stripped off the board. “I’m retaping.”
“Oh,” Seungmin blinks. “Why?” The tape looks fine to him.
“It’s good to replace your grip tape every few months cause it can get old and worn and useless,” Jisung explains as he aligns the new grip tape with the board and sticks it on. Seungmin watches, amazed at how easy Jisung makes it seem.
“Where’d you get the tape?” He asks as Jisung takes a file and scratches at the edges of the board. He’s about to ask what that’s for when Jisung pulls off the excess grip tape and discards it with the useless bits. The boy doesn’t answer the question which tells Seungmin it’s not a good question, so he drops it.
Instead, he balls up all the useless grip tape and sticks it in the packaging before scooting closer to Jisung. He flips his board over to trace the art on it with his finger. It’s a tree with stars instead of leaves. Seungmin thinks it's mesmerizing. “Did you design this?”
“Made a rough sketch,” Jisung nods. He spins one of the wheels. “An old friend I had before I moved cleaned it up and painted it for me. He was really good at that.”
“Do you miss him?” Seungmin murmurs, sparing a glance at Jisung. His friend has a far off look in his eyes, like he’s ventured deep inside his memories.
Jisung hums and nods. He rests his head on Seungmin’s shoulder, continuing to absently spin the wheel of his board. Polaris watches from the grass, eyes wide and curious.
“You remind me of him,” Jisung whispers after a while. “You both have a beautiful way of viewing the world around you. I wish I could do that.”
Seungmin doesn’t know how to answer, so he just grabs Jisung’s hand and stares at the ocean in the distance.
On a weekend during the middle of autumn, Seungmin makes the decision to introduce his mother to his cats. Jisung waits at the tree for them, three little bundles of fur snuggled in his lap, and Vega curled against his side. When Seungmin sees him, he feels relaxed. He feels less nervous.
He tells his mom to wait just at the edge of the tree canopy, and he kneels a few steps from Jisung. He calls for Antares as he always does, and the cat doesn’t hesitate to scramble out of Jisung’s lap and into Seungmin’s waiting hands.
The kittens are no longer kittens, no longer tiny little balls of fluff and claws that have squeaky meows and whose bites feel like painless pinches. Antares is lithe and strong now, but his eyes are no less curious of the world. Polaris is sleek and beautiful, but she’s still clumsy and chases leaves and pieces of grass that the wind steals away. Pollux is lazy and fluffy, preferring the patches of sunlight dappling the grass beneath the great oak rather than play with his siblings.
When Seungmin shows Antares to his mom and asks if they can keep the family, his mom just stares at him. She blinks once, twice, and then she laughs.
“Where did you even find them?” She has that tone in her voice when she finds a joke funny, and it makes Seungmin bristle. “I thought you liked dogs, Minnie.”
“I like cats, too,” Seungmin mutters. He stares at his cat. Antares paws gently at his cheek before he climbs to his shoulder, purring loud in his ear. Seungmin fists the bottom of his hoodie when Jisung appears at his side with Pollux in his arms. His mother looks more confused by Jisung’s presence than she does the cats.
“And who is this?” She asks, just as Seungmin assumed she would.
So he answers honestly. “My friend.”
There’s a sharp inhale from Jisung, but his mother just grows more confused. “A friend?”
“We’ve been taking care of the cats together, mom,” Seungmin mumbles. His confidence is wavering. He’s beginning to feel purple again. “Since… since Jisung moved here. I found them when the for sale sign went away and I took care of them because no one else would. Jisung helped. They need me, mom.”
“What are we supposed to do with four cats, Seungmin, hm?” His mother sighs. Seungmin hears Vega meow. He hears cicadas hum like a chorus. He hears Jisung’s steady breathing like an anchor. He hears his heartbeat in his ears like drums.
“I’ll keep taking care of them,” Seungmin tells her. He looks at Jisung, who gives him a supportive smile. “Jisung can't take them cause– well, cause his dad won’t let him. But… But I thought that maybe… we could. Antares is super calm and he doesn’t make a lot of noise and Pollux is sweet and cuddly and Polaris likes to play but she’s sweet too. Vega just likes sunlight and head pats. They deserve a good home, mom. Please.”
“We don’t have space for cats, Seungmin,” His mother says. It's a lie. They have more space than they know what to do with. She looks between the orange twins, and Seungmin bristles more at the utter apathy she exhibits. He feels purple and blue and green and black all at once. His chest feels tight. He feels like a storm.
“Dad would’ve let me keep them,” He spits the words like a curse. “He would think it’s cool that I named them after stars because at least he tried to care!”
His mother is stunned silent. Jisung just grabs the end of his sleeve. It makes Seungmin feel red, and then the bad colors fade away. He’s still upset with his mom. He wishes his dad was here. Dad was good at convincing mom for things like this.
“Nevermind,” He murmurs. “I shouldn’t have asked. Sorry, momma.”
“I know some people who can adopt them,” His mother begins, slowly, but the words just make Seungmin's chest feel tight again. Until she says, “You can keep one.” Then he feels yellow.
“I want to keep two,” Seungmin shakes his head. He slips his hand out of his hoodie sleeve and grasps Jisung’s. “Pollux likes Jisung a lot. And Antares likes me. But Jisung can’t keep a cat at home.”
“Which ones are Pollux and Antares?” His mother looks between the orange twins, and then at the females by the tree, as if trying to decipher who is who.
“These two,” Seungmin gestures between the orange twins. Jisung holds Pollux up a little bit to emphasize the answer.
So Seungmin adopts two cats that day. Officially, anyways. Jisung comes with them when they take the family to the vet to get their shots and anything else they might need. When his mother takes Vega and Polaris to her friend, Seungmin insists the friend keep their names. His mother reassures him she’ll pass the message along.
And when he sits by his window two nights later, with Antares on the windowsill beside him and Pollux snoozing on his pillow, he wonders why his mom changed her mind so quickly. He scratches Antares’ head and tells him about the constellations. Antares just purrs in response.
And when he looks to the sky and sees the moon, he thinks about how Jisung makes him feel less alone. He’s been alone for so long he forgot what it felt like to have someone who understood him without question. His dad was good at trying; Jisung did it effortlessly.
The sky is dark blue when Seungmin decides he wants Jisung in his life for a long time. Antares meows and curls up in his lap, as if reassuring him that he’s made the correct decision. Seungmin smiles.
☀︎︎☀︎︎☀︎︎
As the school year continues and the weeks blur together so much Seungmin starts losing track of time, Jisung begins spending more time at Seungmin’s house. He comes over so much he basically lives with them, and his mother doesn't complain. Seungmin doesn’t understand why. But he doesn’t try to, either. They draw on the sidewalk with chalk and climb the trees in Seungmin’s backyard and do homework together on weekdays. On weekends when Jisung sleeps over, they lay on Seungmin’s roof and watch the stars as they soak up the warmth of the tiles or ride to the beach to comb it for little treasures.
Jisung grows more comfortable with Seungmin in the same way Seungmin grows comfortable with him. Seungmin gets answers to questions he no longer asks, like why Jisung’s skin turns purple and why Jisung draws. Drawing is to Jisung what the stars and books are to Seungmin. Seungmin understands, and he listens when Jisung tells him stories about his drawings. Seungmin tells Jisung stories about his dad and says that his mother is green and his sister is pink. Jisung seems to understand. Seungmin is grateful.
He likes to tell Jisung about the stars the most. He spends hours on tangents about all the information he’s consumed ever since he discovered his love for the cosmos. Jisung listens intently, his attention never once straying. He engages with Seungmin and even introduces new information if he ever learns any. It becomes a habit of theirs in the afternoons during study breaks with warm feline bodies pressed against their sides.
“You’re purple today,” Seungmin says one night, at the beginning of winter. The air is chilly, but the shingles of his roof are still warm from being exposed to the sun all day. Jisung is pressed flush to his side, their shared warmth seeping into every corner of their bodies. He hears the familiar snap of Jisung’s rubber band against his bruised skin. Seungmin grabs the end of Jisung's sleeve.
“I was home late,” Jisung responds. He sounds purple too. Seungmin knows his eyes must be clouds right now. He wants to make them sunshine again, but he doesn’t know how.
They’re both quiet for a long time, nothing but the stars, the breeze, and their shared breathing to fill the silence. Seungmin likes these moments shared with Jisung. They don't have to say anything for it to be a good moment. They can sit in silence and be doing different things, and they’ll still feel comfortable with each other. Jisung never judges when Seungmin needs to bury his face in a book, and Seungmin lets Jisung hide in his red duvet when things are too scary for him. Life is easier with Jisung.
“Aliens,” Jisung finally says, after what feels like hours.
“Aliens?”
Jisung points at the sky, at the millions of stars twinkling down at them. Seungmin follows his finger and finds Canis Major.
“The stars are aliens. That's what my hyung tells me anyway,” The boy pauses. Seungmin looks at him and frowns at the sight of his pout. His eyes are a storm. “He says the aliens don't come here because humans are mean and selfish.”
He thinks he agrees with Jisung’s brother. Most humans are mean and selfish. The kids who give Seungmin weird looks and tease Jisung for being too small are mean and selfish. The people who leave trash on the beach are mean and selfish. Adults in general are mean and selfish. Maybe the aliens are just looking over the Earth and waiting for a day when people are nice and selfless, so they can come and teach things humans don’t deserve right now.
Seungmin hums and looks back at the sky, contemplating the words for a long moment. “Am I mean and selfish?”
“No,” Jisung answers instantly. “Am I?”
“Not in the slightest.”
“The aliens would like us, then,” Jisung sounds like sunshine then.
Seungmin grabs his hand and holds it up until it’s silhouetted by the stars. Jisung wears blue and red bandaids on his fingers, and his nails are crusted with dirt from planting daisy seeds around the giant oak earlier that afternoon. Jisung likes daisies because others think they're weeds. To most, they’re a nuisance; to Jisung, they’re just like himself. Torn out of sidewalk cracks, doused in weedkiller, and discarded with the rest of the trash; but loved by those who matter. Seungmin thinks he’s a daisy too.
Seungmin presses their hands together. Jisung has such small hands, and his own hands make them look smaller. He likes that about Jisung.
When they finally retreat to Seungmin’s red duvet for the night, Seungmin doesn't look at his glowing stars. He doesn't look at Antares and Pollux curled up on the end of the bed. He just looks at the sunshine-moonlight boy next to him and thinks that Jisung isn’t too bright to look at anymore. He’s red and yellow and sometimes purple, but Seungmin thinks that purple isn’t too bad when it comes to Jisung. Purple hurts, but Jisung never seems to hurt. He looks purple, but he doesn’t feel purple.
He falls asleep and dreams of little daisies singing a lullaby to him.
Winter passes slowly and gives way to spring. Jisung and Seungmin put flowers in each other's hair and bring flowers home for the cats. Seungmin sees Jisung in pink shorts for the first time on a Sunday in the middle of March. Pink is not Seungmin’s favorite color, but he likes it on Jisung.
They study together for the end of the year tests, and Jisung tries to teach Seungmin how to skateboard on a Saturday in May. Seungmin falls on his butt so much he can’t sit right for a week, and Jisung teases him until Seungmin calls him green. Jisung pouts until Seungmin says he’s his favorite shade of red. Jisung turns pink after that, and Seungmin doesn't understand why. He knows he likes pink on Jisung though.
Summer comes around again, faster than Seungmin expected it to. Seungmin knows Jisung prefers school, just as he does himself, because it's an escape from home. Jisung still says he’s relieved he doesn’t have to worry about school for two months, but there’s not much weight to it. Seungmin tells him they start highschool after summer. Then he curses himself and his big mouth when Jisung complains so much that Seungmin sticks a (clean) sock in his mouth.
(Really he knows Jisung is looking forward to it, but he humors him anyway. Any semblance of normality is welcomed with them. School may have its problems, but it's safer than home.)
In the summer, Jisung wears shorts again. He wears band-aids on his knees since he no longer has jeans to protect his skin from the harsh touch of the sidewalk. When his blood runs red and Jisung tries not to cry, Seungmin decides that's the only time he does not like red. He thinks it's an ugly color. He tells Jisung crappy jokes he heard from his sister until his friend is laughing so much that snot shoots out of his nose and splatters on the sidewalk. Seungmin tells him he’s gross and takes him inside so he can get a bandaid. He prefers red most days, and he prefers red on Jisung most days. But today he decides that yellow is better for a day if it means Jisung is sunshine instead of clouds or armor.
When Jisung shows up at the tree with new bruises after a couple days at home, Seungmin tells himself it’s from skateboarding. Even when Jisung is quieter on those days, even when Jisung holds his hand a little tighter at night before bed, even when he flinches at too-fast movements just slightly. Seungmin never mentions it and instead holds Jisung a little closer, a little tighter, as if that’ll somehow convey his need to protect his friend.
Seungmin likes summer, because Jisung outshines the sun. But he also hates it because Jisung spends too much time in a place Seungmin cannot hide him from in his red duvet.
“You’re blue today,” Jisung says when they sit beneath their great oak. He lays with his head in Seungmin’s lap. The sun dapples his skin and turns him into a golden and purple painting. Seungmin has no artistic abilities, but he thinks he would like to paint Jisung as he is right now.
“You can’t feel colors,” Seungmin mutters. He watches the grass dance. He sprinkles daisy petals on Jisung’s face.
“I can feel your colors,” Jisung hums. His eyelashes flutter against his cheeks.
“What do my colors feel like?” Seungmin asks. He arranges some of the petals in a line across Jisung’s forehead.
“Safe,” Jisung whispers, so quiet it's almost lost in the wind. Seungmin has never seen him so at peace.
“Safe,” Seungmin repeats. He closes Jisung’s eyes with his thumbs and exhales. Jisung reaches up to touch Seungmin’s face; his fingers just barely brush his cheek. Seungmin removes his thumbs and brushes Jisung’s hair back to reveal the scar on his forehead. Jisung doesn’t look away from his face.
And when Seungmin watches a movie with Jisung and his sister later that night, after they’ve all had dinner, he smiles. Jisung is warm against his side, his hand is gentle against his own, and he feels like sunshine. Seungmin thinks that he feels a little brighter himself, just by being in the general vicinity of Jisung.
He falls asleep on his friend’s shoulder, lulled to dreamland by the familiar warmth of his friend and the safety of his sunshine.
Summer continues with less purple and more yellow and red. Jisung stays at the Kims’ more than he does his own home, and Seungmin doesn't understand why his mom is so willing to let Jisung stay for so long. When he asks, she just smiles and pats his head, but doesn’t give him an answer beyond, “he makes you smile”. Seungmin’s confusion is deepened by that, but he drops the question and focuses on beach combing and climbing trees and catching frogs and picking dandelions at the great oak to watch the fluffy little seeds float into the breeze.
At some point, Jisung learns how to make flower crowns, and he calls Seungmin ‘Puppy Prince’ when he places a crown upon his head. Little white petals dust his shoulders and legs, but he accepts the crown with grace. He bows and decrees that all those (especially cats) who need it may find safe haven among the roots of the great oak, and Jisung giggles so much he turns pink. Seungmin smiles when he places the other crown on Jisung’s head and names him ‘Squirrel Prince’. Jisung pinkie promises him that they’ll be princes together forever.
There’s a week until school starts again when Seungmin approaches his sister. Jisung isn’t over that day. When he asks if she still has one of her old backpacks, she just gives him a befuddled stare.
“I need it,” Seungmin tells her, hands clasped behind his back as he rocks up on his toes. “For… reasons.”
“You’re not gonna commit any crimes, are you?” His sister asks as she tucks her long hair behind her ear. She sets her pen down and sticks her head in her closet to look for the item in question. “I don’t wanna be a suspect.”
“If intruding in forbidden territory with a big mean bug is a crime,” Seungmin sighs. He looks down when he hears a meow and sees Antares weaving between his legs. He considers taking him along.
“You’re gonna trespass?” His sister reappears from the closet, eyes comically wide with equal parts fear and concern. “Seungmin, that is a crime.”
Seungmin’s brows furrow as he tries to remember what that means. And then realization hits him, and he quickly flails his hands, laughing a little. “Noo! No. I’m just taking the backpack to Jisung. Sorry, noona.”
“Ah,” His sister breathes, her entire body relaxing all at once. “Thank god. You had me worried you’d gone off the rails for a moment.”
And then she brandishes an old, worn, sunbleached pink backpack. The straps are a little frayed at the ends, and there are several more saturated circles on the big pocket where his sister used to keep buttons and patches. It looks like an artifact in Seungmin’s hands, something that should be displayed in a museum with a plaque that says, “from my noona’s younger years. she was cooler back then”. He thinks it should work, he just wishes it wasn’t pink.
“Thanks, noona,” He murmurs. His sister props her hands on her hips and leans down to meet his eyes, but he just bites the inside of his cheek and averts his gaze.
He doesn’t give her a chance to say anything else, covering her mouth when she opens it. His sister blinks once, twice, and then nods slowly. Seungmin removes his hand and throws the bag over his shoulder, running out of his sister’s room, and then the house. With a preparatory breath, he mounts his bike and rides through the neighborhoods until he reaches Jisung’s house, where he stares at the front door for a long time before gathering up his courage and approaching it. He inhales deeply, exhales slowly, and grips the backpack tight in his hands. He can do this.
He knocks once and then twice. There’s silence for a few moments, and then a face is appearing at the open door. It’s just Jisung, much to Seungmin’s relief.
Well, almost relief. He feels himself perk up at the sight of his friend, happy to see him since it's been a couple days. But Jisung isn’t smiling. He looks over his shoulder into the house; his face is taut with fear; his fingers tremble where they touch the door knob. Seungmin feels his heart drop.
“What are you doing here?” Jisung hisses, ushering Seungmin out of the way and stepping onto the porch. “My dad’s home.”
That explains that. Seungmin suddenly has a need to get Jisung out of there.
“Can you leave?” Seungmin asks in a low voice. He throws a quick look at the door.
“I- Why?” Jisung frowns. He takes in Seungmin’s appearance, the beads of sweat from rushing over in the middle of summer, the backpack, the anxious look in his eyes. He seems confused.
“I have something for you,” Seungmin tells him and belatedly realizes that his gift is probably obvious now, since he’s holding it in plain sight.
Jisung hesitates, looking between Seungmin and the door. He picks at the rubberband around his wrist, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. Then he sighs and gestures to Seungmin’s bike. “Wait for me down the road a little.”
So Seungmin does, without question. He sits on his bike seat and toys absently with the straps of the bag on his back. He stares at the setting sun, the sky turning red and yellow and chasing away the blue. Orange glows in the places where red and yellow meet like a perfect harmony of a lovely duet. Seungmin smiles. He likes sunsets.
Jisung appears minutes later, wordlessly climbing onto the back of the bike. Seungmin hurries off down the sidewalk and towards the park, where their tree waits for them. Jisung’s fingers dance along his shoulders as they ride, jittery and anxious and flighty. He feels purple and blue today. He feels like a storm.
They sit knee to knee and shoulder to shoulder against the trunk of the tree when they reach it. Seungmin’s red bike lays discarded a few feet away, and Jisung’s hand grips his arm as if it’s his lifeline. Seungmin sprinkles daisy petals on his head. Jisung calls it snow.
“What did you want to give me?” Jisung asks after a while. He blows dandelion seeds into the sea breeze and rests his head on Seungmin’s shoulder to watch them float away.
Seungmin reaches for the backpack and sets it in his friend’s lap. Jisung picks it up, turning it over in his hands, before he frowns at Seungmin. “I don't get it.”
“Sorry it’s pink,” Seungmin mumbles.
“I don’t care that it’s pink,” Jisung pulls away from Seungmin’s side and holds the bag in his face. “Why are you giving me this?”
Seungmin looks between the bag and Jisung’s confused eyes. He throws a daisy stem into the wind and turns his gaze to the green grass in front of him. “So maybe next time you won’t make a mess if you run into someone, and they won’t be stuck giving you a ride home from school everyday.”
Jisung is quiet for a few moments too long. Seungmin finally spares a quick glance at him, and Jisung’s confused pout is slowly replaced by a smirk, eyes sparkling. “You like taking me home, though.”
“You’re wrong,” Seungmin throws another daisy stem at his face. Jisung wrinkles his nose and bats the plant away, but his cheeky grin doesn’t waver. “I do it because you’ll bother me if I don’t.”
Jisung snickers and sets the bag down. He settles next to Seungmin, holding his hand up to press their palms together. “I’d bother you regardless.”
“You’re annoying,” Seungmin grumbles. He feels red.
“And you’re not all that great yourself.”
“What’s important is that I’m better than you.”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night.”
A total of three seconds pass before they dissolve into giggles. Jisung thanks Seungmin for the backpack, and Seungmin sprinkles more daisy petals in his hair. They watch the sun dip below the ocean for the night, and the stars come out to play together. Seungmin takes Jisung home and hides him in his red duvet. Jisung tells him a story of two princes who escaped their kingdoms and ran away together to live a life worth living.
The sky is dark blue and speckled with stars when the sunshine-moonlight boy finally falls asleep, and Seungmin does something he hasn’t done before. He hugs Jisung and whispers a vow to protect him as he remembers his sister once doing to him when their father was a storm.
☀︎︎☀︎︎☀︎︎
Navigating high school isn’t easy, but it isn't hard either. Not when Jisung is beside him. On the days Jisung doesn’t show, Seungmin has no one, but he’s invisible. On the days Jisung does show, Seungmin has him and too many eyes. It’s a sacrifice he’s willing to make if it means he gets to hold Jisung’s hand when the halls become too crowded and to spend their lunches in an alcove beneath the stairs, where Jisung’s stories echo through the stairwell. Jisung draws on his hands in the one class they share, and Seungmin lets him copy his notes when he forgets to pay attention.
High school isn't easy when it comes to bullies and prying eyes. But it isn’t hard either when they have each other.
“It’s cool that your mom makes lunch for us,” Jisung tells Seungmin one afternoon during lunch, chubby cheeks full of kimbap. Rice sticks to the skin around his mouth. Seungmin tries not to wipe it off.
“She's pink sometimes,” Is all Seungmin responds with. Jisung beams at him.
Jisung hates the increase in workload that comes with his classes. Seungmin loves it. Seungmin also ends up doing most of Jisung’s homework for him, but he makes up for it by teaching the material in a way he knows his friend will understand. It’s a shame his art skills aren’t up to par with Jisung’s. The sunshine-moonlight boy doesn’t seem to mind; he actually rather loves the crappy little sketches Seungmin makes.
One afternoon, Jisung leaves his art class later than usual. When Seungmin worriedly asks where he was because he doesn’t want to risk his friend getting in trouble for not getting home on time, Jisung just smiles. He doesn’t answer and climbs onto the back of Seungmin’s bike, hugging Seungmin’s shoulders, warm and comforting against his back. He presses his cheek to Seungmin’s neck. Seungmin almost loses balance too many times taking Jisung home that afternoon.
And one evening on a weekend in September when Seungmin is studying and Jisung is playing a video game on his old, beat up nintendo, Seungmin has a shocking realization. He gasps so loudly it startles Antares, and he flees from Seungmin’s lap. Seungmin just whips around in his chair to face Jisung on the bed. His friend gives him a baffled look. Seungmin points a finger at his face, and Jisung holds his hands up defensively.
“Whatever you’re going to accuse me of, I didn’t do it,” Jisung says, wide eyes even wider than usual. “I swear, your honor.”
The comically confused look on Jisung’s face is enough to break Seungmin’s composure for a second, and he giggles into his hand. Jisung half smiles, albeit still confused, as he tries to wait patiently for Seungmin to say what he needs to say.
When Seungmin gathers himself, he once again steels his expression and narrows his eyes at Jisung. “I don’t know your birthday. We’ve been friends for a little more than a year now, and for all I know, it’s passed.”
“Oh,” Jisung blinks, and then he glances at Seungmin’s astrology calendar. “What’s today?”
“September 14th,” Seungmin says slowly, eyebrows furrowed.
“Ah,” Jisung hums. He smiles bittersweetly. Seungmin has never seen him turn blue. “Happy birthday me, then.”
“ Today?!” Seungmin screeches. He slaps his hands over his cheeks. It’s his turn to look comically shocked, and he knows he must look ridiculous when Jisung cackles at him.
“It’s not a big deal, Puppy,” Jisung waves him off when he sobers. “Just another day. Not that important.”
“You’re a year older, though!” Seungmin whines. He drapes himself over the back of his chair. “Mom and noona always make me cake but now it’s too late to make you one.” He pauses, and then pouts. He’s just now realizing how little he knows of Jisung when it comes to things like this. “How old are you anyways?”
“Um…” Jisung purses his lips. His gaze flits across the room as he considers the question, and then he narrows his eyes at nothing in particular. “15… I think. Not celebrating your birthday makes it hard to keep track.”
Oh. Seungmin frowns. He slides off his chair and pads across the room to sit on the bed next to Jisung. Jisung offers his hand wordlessly, and Seungmin holds it to his heart. Jisung leans down to meet Seungmin's eyes when Seungmin hangs his head.
“You look sad,” Jisung murmurs. He reaches up to brush Seungmin’s bangs off his forehead. “I don’t like it when you’re sad.”
“Everyone should celebrate their birthday,” Seungmin whispers. “I know the world is always purple and blue and green but birthdays and Christmas are the two days a year when everything is yellow, even for just a moment. It’s like the world stops all the bad just for that day. Birthdays are never purple. Yours are no exception.”
Jisung looks at him with an expression that is three parts thoughtful and one part distant. Seungmin thinks he might've said something but wrong, but then Jisung pinches his cheek.
“Okay,” Jisung nods. He squeezes Seungmin’s hand. “So what should we do? There’s not much time left in the day.”
“I want ice cream,” Seungmin shrugs. Then he winces and gives Jisung a contorted expression of embarrassment. “Sorry, this is your day. You decide.”
“We could…” Jisung hums, gaze trailing off to the side. He stares into nothingness as he thinks, all the while rubbing circles against Seungmin’s knuckles. And then Seungmin almost sees the lightbulb go off when the boy perks up. “Did you know that a lot of the richer people usually leave their pool cages unlocked?”
“The—” Seungmin blinks once then twice, and then realization of what his friend is insinuating settles in. He slaps a hand over Jisung’s mouth, throwing a quick glance at his door before vigorously shaking his head. “We are not trespassing! That’s a crime.”
Seungmin squeals when Jisung licks his palm, quickly retracting his hand and flailing it around as his friend laughs at him. So he smashes his palm against Jisung’s face, trying to rub the residual spit onto his cheeks. Jisung just blows a raspberry and bats his hand away.
“It’s only a crime if we get caught, Puppy,” Jisung says it so nonchalantly. “But I can tell you’re not comfortable with the idea, so what about going to the beach to chase seagulls and find shells until the sun sets?”
Seungmin learns that day that Jisung does things that could get him in trouble. He also understands that Jisung’s parents don’t buy him things, so he finds new ways to get things he needs. He comes to the conclusion that Jisung stole the cat food he gave the cats in the early mornings. He comes to the conclusion that he trusts Jisung’s judgement. His friend is not a bad person. His friend never hurts anyone.
He remembers a movie about a man named ‘Robin Hood’ and decides that Jisung is a little bit like him.
The seagulls all run and hide when Jisung and Seungmin arrive at the beach. They find crabs instead, and Jisung chases Seungmin with them. They make tiny houses for the crabs out of dry wood and shells, and they try (and fail) to skip rocks across the waves. Jisung holds Seungmin’s hand as they lay in the sand and watch the sky turn to cotton candy. Seungmin tells him happy birthday and promises to bake him a big cake next year. Jisung just plays with his hair and doesn’t respond.
And a week later, when Seungmin’s birthday rolls around, Jisung gives him a paper mache solar system he made with his own hands. When Seungmin asks if he got in trouble for staying late the day he made them, Jisung doesn’t respond. He just smiles and pinches Seungmin’s cheek before urging him to hang up the planets.
They go out and play in the rain and the puddles afterwards, drenching each other and themselves from head to toe. Jisung pulls them into the wet grass, and they laugh over the sound of the rain as it splashes against their faces. Seungmin holds Jisung’s cold, wet hand like it's a lifeline, and Jisung tells him a story of a crying sky and two princes who sail the ocean.
Later that night, after dinner and cake (and cleaning the icing off their faces; Jisung got brave and smeared half of his cake on Seungmin’s face. Naturally Seungmin retaliated), Seungmin sat on his windowsill with Antares next to him and watched the droplets of rain on the window disappear behind the star and planet stickers Jisung left on his window sometime ago. Jisung slept soundly in his red duvet, peaceful and safe.
“The aliens would like him,” Seungmin whispers to Antares. His cat just makes a tiny “mrrow” sound and butts his head against Seungmin’s hand. He scratches between Antares’ ears, smiling at the cat’s blissful face. “He’s kind and selfless and does things that get him in trouble but it’s for things he cares about. He stole cat food for you even when he didn’t have to.”
The sky is black and full of clouds when Seungmin decides that he’s going to help Jisung get out of this small town one day. That’s the best way he can protect his best friend.
As school continues into winter and then spring, the days fill with studying and trips to the great oak and quiet nights spent side by side on Seungmin’s twin bed with the cats draped across their legs. During this time, Seungmin learns that most kids are mean. That does not mean all of them. Most kids ignore Seungmin and Jisung; others push them into lockers and call them rude names. But there are few who help them collect their things after being shoved around and show them a little kindness in such a harsh world.
Seo Changbin, a short boy with dark hair and an undercut, wears hoodies over his uniform like Jisung and has a glare that could kill. He is also in the grade above them and is around them the most, since his locker happens to be across from Jisung and Seungmin’s. When Lee Sungho pushes them to the ground in between classes and calls Jisung names and kicks Seungmin’s glasses away, Seo Changbin helps them up and brushes off their shirts for them. He walks them to their classes and scares off the other kids with just a glare.
Seungmin learns that Seo Changbin is nice, unlike the reputation that precedes him. When Seungmin hears rumors that Changbin gets into fights and spends a majority of his afternoons in detention for spray painting the back of the school, he doesn't believe any of it for a second. Changbin laughs at silly memes he shows Seungmin and Jisung on his iPod touch, cries for dead frogs and bugs and lizards, and protects Seungmin and Jisung from the kids who actually get into fights and vandalise school property. He talks highly of his mom and sister and always reminds Seungmin and Jisung to stay healthy. Changbin is intimidating to most, but Seungmin likes calling him a friend. Changbin is yellow like Jisung, even if he doesn't quite understand colors like Jisung does whenever Seungmin uses them.
The first time he told the elder that Jisung was sad because it was a purple day, Changbin couldn’t grasp the concept as quickly as Jisung had. Seungmin got frustrated trying to make him understand; to the point Jisung had to step in and explain it in a way that Seungmin just can’t. It was the first time Seungmin felt like an outsider in a long time. He felt really far away from his friends until Jisung held his hand and pulled him back in. By then, the other two were talking about a band Seungmin didn’t know very well but recognized vaguely because of Jisung.
Changbin understood why some good things were yellow and why other good things were red though, which was a relief to Seungmin. Pink was confusing for him. When he told Seungmin that green was usually a “jealous color”, Seungmin wrinkled his nose and clicked his tongue. Honestly, Changbin can be yellow some days, but he’s pink other days. He never says it though.
He likes when Changbin joins them on the ride home though. Changbin rides his skateboard alongside Seungmin and Jisung on the red bike. Seungmin stays quiet when Changbin and Jisung chatter away, and he stays on the sidewalk when Changbin walks Jisung to his door and hugs him on days that Jisung can’t stay with Seungmin.
“Jisung seemed down today,” Changbin says one afternoon after they drop their friend at home. “More than usual.”
“We probably won’t see him for a couple days,” Seungmin murmurs. He rings the bell on his bike a couple times.
“What does that mean?” Changbin frowns.
Seungmin’s brow furrows. He chews on his bottom lip until it aches and shakes his head slightly. “Purple.”
Changbin understands enough now that when Seungmin calls out that color it means he’s done talking about it. He’s grateful when Changbin drops the subject and squeezes his shoulder.
“We’ll keep him safe,” Changbin reassures.
Seungmin doesn’t answer. He stares at the pavement where his bike rolls over it, and he remembers the days he would turn into a blue and purple painting on days his own father would be a storm. He remembers his mother crying; he remembers his sister screaming at his dad. He remembers his dad leaving for days on end. He remembers feeling empty the day of the funeral. He remembers not understanding why his mother spit on the gravestone when they visited it a month later. He remembers getting mad at his mom for throwing out his dad’s things, and he remembers trying to hide some of the things he knew his dad cherished.
“Yeah,” Seungmin nods. He’s happy to call Changbin a friend. They both have Jisung's well being in mind at all times. “Safe.”
In summer, Seungmin and Jisung’s routine only changes slightly with the addition of Changbin. Some days are spent at Seungmin’s house. (Changbin adores Antares and Pollux, and the sentiment is easily returned by the felines. Seungmin decides Changbin is less pink than yellow.) Others are spent perusing the town and getting ice cream with Changbin’s allowance and paper route money. The days in between those are spent beach combing and playing in the waves. Seungmin refuses to take Changbin to the great oak. As far as he’s concerned, that tree is a place only for him, and for Jisung, and for whatever stray cat needs a safe place to rest. As much as he enjoys Changbin’s company, he doesn't belong in a place that holds too much meaning to Seungmin. And thankfully, Jisung returns the sentiment wholeheartedly.
When Changbin invites Jisung and Seungmin to his house, Seungmin had expected an old, ancient home like his and Jisung’s. He quickly learns that is not the case when they ride into the gated community closer to the town. Changbin brings them to a two story house with a perfectly mowed lawn and yard gnomes and healthy flower bushes. Seungmin thinks his mom would do just about anything for her own yard to look like this: flourishing, green grass and pretty flower bushes rather than the brittle, browning vegetation that currently plague their old house.
Seungmin never quite put together that Changbin only has a mom from the stories his friend would tell. But he did know that his older sister is studying for a medical degree in Seoul. Changbin’s mom is a sweet woman; she makes healthy snacks for the boys and tells Jisung and Seungmin to make themselves at home. Jisung takes the offer to heart and reclines on the couch as if he owns the place. Seungmin sits politely on the white rug in front of the couch and watches his friends play video games on Changbin’s playstation.
“Your mom is cool,” Jisung tells Changbin during a round of Mortal Kombat. Seungmin doesn’t like watching this game, so he reads and tries to tune out the sounds coming from the TV. But he tunes in when Jisung speaks up.
“Yeah, the coolest,” Changbin beams at the praise directed at his mom. “She’s super smart and works hard to make sure I live happy. That’s what she tells me anyways. She’s the best mom ever!”
When Changbin’s mom makes dinner and dessert for the boys and lets them stay up past bedtime, Seungmin decides she’s yellow too. He also thinks his own mom would like her a lot. They could talk about boring mom things together and become good friends. His mom needs a good friend.
Summer passes too quickly for Seungmin’s liking. For once, he wishes he could just spend the rest of his days playing with Jisung and Changbin without having to worry about school or Jisung’s dad or mean and selfish kids. When he tells Jisung this on an afternoon at the tree, Jisung hugs him and tells him they’ll be okay as long as they have each other. Seungmin trusts him, so he believes his words.
“Princes forever,” He whispers.
Jisung smiles and pats his head. “Forever and then some.”
The sky is red, yellow, and a little orange when Seungmin sees hope and a promise of the future in Jisung’s big, round eyes. When the sky becomes blue and red and purple, Seungmin tells Jisung that he’s his best friend, and when the sky becomes dark blue and speckled with stars, Jisung’s smile makes Seungmin’s heart stutter.
☀︎︎☀︎︎☀︎︎
In sophomore year, Seungmin watches quietly as Changbin and Jisung take up different hobbies together. Changbin introduces Jisung to making music, and Jisung introduces Changbin to making art. Together, the pair join the school’s volleyball team. Seungmin sticks to his books and his stars and is more than happy to support his friends from the side.
In sophomore year, Jisung’s art project gets picked for an art gallery event in winter. Seungmin’s mom is ecstatic and proud of Jisung as though he were her own child. She takes all three boys to the event and makes a reservation at an expensive restaurant to celebrate even though she can’t really afford it. Seungmin tells Jisung that he’s proud of him. He also tells Jisung to change lives and inspire people. Jisung cries, but he feels yellow. Seungmin doesn’t understand why, but he dries Jisung’s tears and accepts the hug he’s pulled into.
In sophomore year, Changbin makes his first song. Jisung listens to it for a week straight; Seungmin listens to it for a month straight. Changbin cries when Jisung shows him the art piece he made that’s inspired by Changbin’s song, and Seungmin gets confused as to why his friends have gotten more emotional lately. He likes that Changbin keeps Jisung’s art on his locker door and brags about it to his friends. Jisung’s face turns red, and he thumps his forehead against his own locker every time he and Seungmin hear Changbin talk about it. Seungmin just thinks it's sweet.
And he tries not to think about the jumbled mess of feelings in his stomach every time it happens.
In sophomore year, Seungmin watches his friends begin finding themselves. Changbin talks about a crush on a girl in his class, and Jisung makes friends on the volleyball team (namely one, who Seungmin only knows as, “Lix”). Changbin starts talking about college after senior year, and Jisung starts branching out with his art. Jisung starts a writing project and writes a short story about two princes and their pet pig rabbit who explore the world and save kids from scary storms. When he turns in the story and gets the top grade he illustrates it for Changbin when their friend struggles to read it. Changbin writes a song about the two princes, sort of like the bard in the story who wrote a ballad of their conquests.
Seungmin cries when he hears it. He cries happily with his face buried in his hands and Jisung’s fingers in his hair. He tells Changbin he should be famous for his music. Changbin turns a deep shade of red.
He’s proud of his friends. He’s happy that they’re being recognized for their talents. He’s happy that kids no longer make fun of Jisung and instead praise him. He’s happy that kids stop spreading dumb rumors about Changbin. He’s happy that he stays invisible in his friends’ shadows, where he can support them quietly. No one bothers him, and Changbin and Jisung are loved rather than hated. It couldn’t be more perfect.
Sophomore year passes in the blink of an eye, and summer is spent just as it always is. Changbin invites them over to play games on his playstation, play in his yard, and watch movies on his flatscreen. When it’s just Seungmin and Jisung, Jisung wears shorts and rolls the sleeves of his red hoodie to his elbows; his skin is no longer stained purple. Instead, it’s golden in the dying sunlight, as if Jisung is secretly a fallen star.
One evening at their tree with the setting sun turning everything red and orange, Jisung calls Seungmin, “my Prince” . When he beams at Seungmin brighter than sunshine and moonlight, Seungmin’s breathe is stolen away. It’s at that moment he realizes how much Jisung has grown. It's at that moment he realizes Jisung’s round features are still round but sharper at the same time. He looks older and no longer like the scrawny kid he was when Seungmin met him. His arms are no longer twigs that Seungmin can wrap his thumb and index finger around, rather they have some sort of defined muscle to them. Muscle built up from a year of playing volleyball.
It's in that moment that Seungmin realizes Jisung has become beautiful, in his own dorky way. He notices all the small details he’s never noticed before. He notices the way the bridge of his nose slopes or how his lashes seem so long and soft or how bitten his lips look. He finds his attention drawn by the single beauty mark on his cheek and the one on the side of his neck and the one on his collarbone. He remembers something his sister once told him. Beauty marks are the places your past life’s lover kissed you the most, and Seungmin’s heart soars at the thought that Jisung was once well loved; Jisung’s front teeth are still big, acne still dots his chin and jawline, and his eyes are still like saucers, curious of the world around him much like Antares. His cheeks are still soft and squishy, and his nose is still small and cute. But his brown eyes glow amber in the sun, and his skin turns to gold. He looks more like a star than a moon.
“You’re staring,” Jisung states rather bluntly. Seungmin only then realizes that Jisung has been watching him ogle at the other’s face for the past who knows how long. “I know I’m hot though. I don’t blame you.”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Squirrel,” Seungmin pushes his face away to cover up the way his cheeks feel like they’re on fire. “Me? Think you're hot? In your dreams.”
“Oh, if only,” Jisung sighs dramatically as he lays his hand over his forehead and collapses onto Seungmin’s lap. “What an honor it would be for you to think so highly of me! Oh please Sir Kim Seungmin, if only you could spare just an inkling of your flattering attention, might I feel complete if even for a fleeting moment.”
“You’re ridiculous!” Seungmin cackles. He squishes Jisung’s cheeks, pulling at them like dough. “Tell me why I put up with your crap.”
“Mm, because I’m just so pretty,” Jisung grins cheekily, a mischievous glint in his eyes. Seungmin closes his eyelids with his thumbs and blows a raspberry. Jisung splutters and flails his arms, wiping his face off with his dirty and grass stained sleeve.
“Pretty annoying is what you are,” Seungmin huffs. He removes his thumbs from Jisung’s eyes and opts for playing with his hair.
Jisung pouts; he does that when he knows he wants to make Seungmin cave and say sweet things. He bats his eyelids and lifts Seungmin’s other hand to press their palms together. “You don’t mean that.”
“No,” Seungmin says almost instantly. “I don’t.”
“So you admit I’m pretty.”
“I’m not admitting anything.”
Jisung pouts. Seungmin rolls his eyes.
“You’re my favorite shade of red,” Seungmin compromises, gently pinching Jisung’s acne spotted cheek. “The kind that feels warm, like the feeling of the sun on your face and the red light that shines through fingertips and eyelids.”
“Safe,” Jisung whispers.
Seungmin nods.
“Safe.”
But it's at that moment that Seungmin comes to a shocking realization. It had been staring him in the face for so long, and he never looked past his own damn nose long enough to see it. If it had been a snake he would’ve been long dead by now.
Jisung is neither red nor yellow, and he is not purple or blue either. He is a sunset with clouds and the smell of distant rain. He is the place where red and yellow mix to create an orange that belongs at the center of a fire or in the eye of Jupiter’s storm. He is equal parts warm and terrifying and kind and happy. Yet sometimes he is so sad it becomes a fog, and sometimes he is so far away it's like he’s on an entirely different planet. But he is also the place where orange, purple, and blue clash like when nighttime fights for dominance over the sky and the moon chases their lover through the cosmos.
And for once, Seungmin doesn’t hate purple. If people can be many things at once, then eventually those things will mix. Red and yellow become orange, red and blue become purple. Sunshine and the moon become moonlight. Rain clouds and sunshine become a sun shower. Seungmin likes orange. He likes moonlight. He likes sun showers. Maybe he can like Jisung’s purple too. Maybe not right now, but he feels more comfortable with the idea of it in the future.
“Purple,” He whispers.
“Purple?” Jisung gives him an odd look. “Are you okay?”
“I once told you that purple was bad, back when we named the cats. I told you it was wrong,” Seungmin begins. He inhales shakily, staring at Jisung’s hand where it picks at the grass. “But… you can’t have purple without red.”
Jisung’s mouth makes a small “o” shape when the realization hits. And then he smiles, wordlessly lifting Seungmin’s hand to press a featherlight kiss to the back of it. Seungmin’s heart stutters.
“I like yellow better,” Jisung says. “But your purple is an exception.”
The sky is a mixture of purple and red and blue and yellow when Seungmin decides Jisung is sunset orange and sometimes a little purple. But he also decides that a little purple is okay, because no one can never not be purple.
☀︎︎☀︎︎☀︎︎
In junior year, Jisung and Changbin continue to make strides in their crafts. Changbin spends most of his time in an empty classroom recording lyrics for future songs, and Seungmin finds Jisung in the art room so often he might as well live there now. When Changbin asks him about his own hobbies and what he might like to do in the future, Seungmin just says he reads. He tries not to think about the fact that he doesn’t really have anything about himself that stands out. He’s always been more than happy to support Jisung and Changbin from the side; he never thought he’d have to figure something out for himself.
His dad always told him he’d be just fine as long as he believed in himself, so he put his energy into the stars and his books. It seems to have done just fine for him up until now, why should that change?
In junior year, Jisung has more purple days again. He often shows up at Seungmin’s house late at night, wordlessly climbing in when Seungmin opens the window for him. Seungmin doesn’t mention the new purple bruises that Jisung’s red hoodie fails to hide and simply hugs his best friend in the safety of his duvet. And in junior year, Jisung tells him he wants to leave their small town. Seungmin promises he’ll get him out of there if it’s the last thing he does, and Jisung cries in his arms.
In junior year, Seungmin learns a thing or two about dating when Changbin introduces them to a girl in his class as his girlfriend. When Seungmin was young and saw his parents together, they barely ever touched and barely ever told each other “I love you”. He always thought that was normal in couples until he saw the way Changbin would hold his girlfriend’s hand, look at her like she was the only person that mattered, or compliment her every move. Son Chaeyoung would giggle and give him little pecks on the cheek; he’d blush in return.
Seungmin didn’t understand, but he didn’t ask either. Perhaps his parents loved each other at some point in some way, just not where others could see it.
In junior year, Seungmin finally meets the volleyball team, and for the first time, Seungmin sees beauty in the form of a fleeting summer breeze when he meets Lee Felix. He is all freckles, blinding smiles, laughter that feels like a field of flowers, and a deep voice that contradicts his sunshine. When Jisung easily admits that he has a small crush on the boy who is a summer breeze, Seungmin can’t wrap his head around the idea of liking another boy. He always thought boys liked girls, and girls liked boys. At some point, he asks his sister about it. She tells him that she likes girls and boys and that it’s normal. So he accepts it.
He supposes he understands why Jisung must like Felix; the boy is kind and sweet. He hugs everyone who lets him, makes brownies for his team, and gives uplifting compliments every time he gets the chance. There is something about the way Jisung turns a shade of red whenever a compliment is directed at him that Seungmin does not like; it makes weird and ugly feelings gather in the pit of his stomach. He calls them black and brown because it reminds him of when he would mix too many colors in art class back in elementary.
So he ignores Felix, and he ignores Jisung’s absence at his locker when he knows his best friend must be with his teammate. He ignores Changbin bragging about Son Chaeyoung to his friends in between classes, and he ignores the deep, angry purple that gathers in the pit of his stomach. He ignores everything around him and eats lunch by himself in the alcove under the stairs with a book in hand most days. He walks through the halls alone and invisible once more. He’s used to this. He thinks so anyway. It’s just been so long since he’s been this alone.
At least he still has math with Jisung, the one time during the day where he has his best friend’s undivided attention. The small sharpie doodles he gets on his hands seems like a beacon of hope among the purple fog that surrounds him. When Jisung smiles at him and whispers nonsense in his ear, effectively distracting him from the lesson with racing hearts and lingering touches, he thinks that things are still okay. He’s not alone, he’s just… giving his friends space to be themselves.
In junior year, Seungmin learns that life will not always be sunsets spent under the great oak or rescuing feline families or going on beachcombing adventures. In junior year, he learns that eventually, people will grow up, people will learn things about themselves, and people will find better things to occupy themselves with. And he learns that he is not one of those people. He is cursed to be stuck in this small beach town for eternity with his books and his stars and his colors. But he thinks that's okay. His dad always said the town wasn’t too bad. At least you can see the stars at night. He thinks that's enough. It’s enough for him anyway; his dreams aren’t big enough for the city like Jisung and Changbin. As long as they make it there and change lives, that’s enough.
In junior year a week before winter break, he rides home alone again for the first time as Jisung gives him a half-assed goodbye over his shoulder and follows Felix into his parents’ car. In junior year, he spends half of winter break curled up in Changbin’s bedroom since he and Son Chaeyoung are on something Changbin calls “a break” , but he doesn’t make an effort to understand what that means. Changbin doesn’t try to explain it and simply lets Seungmin sulk in his purple fog. Seungmin appreciates that about his friend. He never pushes if Seungmin or Jisung express they do not want to be pushed.
But most of all, in junior year, Seungmin is afraid of facing Jisung for the first time in all the years they’ve known each other.
“Felix’s family is flying back to Australia for a reunion,” Changbin tells Seungmin on Monday of the second week of break. “So, Jisung is gonna spend a couple days here. He’ll probably be over tonight for dinner.”
“I thought he had been at home,” Seungmin murmurs into Changbin's pillow. His chest tightens.
“Well,” Changbin’s face contorts, all scrunched up and nervous. “He was, sort of. But from what he told me, he was spending most of the day at Felix’s.”
“Oh,” Is all Seungmin responds with.
Changbin laughs at him. He mutters something to himself before dropping his phone on the desk, approaching Seungmin. “You’re pitiful. You realize it’s only because you’ve been sulking here. He basically freeloads at your house, but that's with you there. Not your mom and sister.”
“I’m not sulking,” Seungmin grumbles, pushing Changbin away and pulling the duvet up to his chin. “I’m spending quality time with you!”
“You’ve barely moved,” Changbin counters, a cheeky grin on his face that Seungmin scowls at. “Seriously, why are you avoiding Jisung?”
“Purple,” Seungmin whispers. He hates how pitifully he tears up.
Changbin doesn't answer, but he does gesture for Seungmin to scoot over. He climbs under the covers and hugs Seungmin close to his chest, running a soothing hand down his back and exhaling softly. Seungmin clutches the front of his hoodie for some sort of grounding. Whereas Jisung is safety in quiet places shared between just the two of them with pinkies linked and straying smiles and reassurances of a happy tomorrow, Changbin is comfort in mind and body, safety in unknown places, and grounding touches that lead Seungmin out of the fog. Seungmin prefers Jisung’s sunset orange, but he also appreciates Changbin sunrise pink and yellow.
After what feels like hours, Seungmin exhales shakily. His fingers dance along the fabric of his friend’s shirt as he contemplates the question on his tongue. He really has nothing to base this on, has no idea how Changbin will react, but he trusts his friend to answer honestly even if he doesn't understand.
“Changbin,” He calls softly. Changbin hums to let him know he’s listening. “Do you... only like girls?”
“What?” Changbin leans back to look at Seungmin, as if making sure that he’s not joking. When he sees the genuine question in Seungmin’s eyes, his expression changes from one of confusion to one of thoughtfulness. “I like boys too. Why do you ask?”
“Seungha noona says it’s normal— to like both.” Seungmin whispers. He stares at the graphic design on Changbin’s hoodie. “But…”
He swallows his racing heart, his throat feeling as if it's full of cotton. His sister never told him if it was okay to only like boys if you're a boy or to only like girls as a girl. What if that’s not okay? What if he’s wrong? He’s just never had any interest in a girl; he didn’t realize until Changbin introduced him to Son Chaeyoung. He just thought he was too caught up in his stars to think about dating.
But when he learned that boys can like boys and girls can like girls, he realized that—
That—
He squeezes his eyes shut. He’s always been too caught up in his stars and his books and the sunset, specifically the place where red and yellow mix to create orange. The type of orange that belongs in a fire or in the center of Jupiter’s storm.
“What if you just like boys? Is that normal too?” He whispers, so softly it would go unheard if Changbin wasn’t so close.
“Obviously it is,” Changbin replies without hesitation. He lifts Seungmin’s head to meet his eyes and gives him a sincere smile. “It’s completely normal to love whoever you want, okay? Boys, girls, no one. You're not broken or wrong for it, okay? You’re completely normal and special for being yourself. ”
Seungmin nods. He hugs Changbin to hide the fact that he's about to cry. Changbin holds him close and tells him corny jokes to make him laugh, and it works well enough because Seungmin feels a little less purple and a little more blue and eventually a soft shade of red. He finally gets out of Changbin’s bed to shower. He washes his face, brushes his teeth, styles his hair in the way he knows Jisung has said he likes, and wears a t-shirt he once stole from Jisung some months ago. He feels a little lighter when he joins Changbin and his mom and sister downstairs in the living room, and he feels a little safer when the Seo siblings dote on him for cleaning up so nicely.
When Jisung finally arrives, bundled up in the winter jacket Seungmin’s mother bought for him two Christmas back, he freezes as soon as his eyes meet Seungmin’s. For once, Seungmin can’t tell if he’s sunshine or clouds or a storm. Until he’s scrambling to remove his shoes and make a beeline for Seungmin on the couch. He ignores everyone else as he throws himself at his best friend, as if it’s been too many years since they last saw each other. Seungmin decides he’s a sun shower.
Seungmin can’t react beyond a raspy “ hey” and is shocked to the bone when Jisung bursts into tears.
Seungmin watches helplessly as Changbin ushers his family out of the room and holds a finger to his lips when Seungmin tries to say something. When Seungmin is alone with Jisung, his best friend sits up, still planted firmly in his lap, and lightly punches his shoulder. His eyes are red and puffy, tears are drying on his cheeks, and he looks like he's sweating from all the emotions. So Seungmin wordlessly unties the scarf around his neck; unzips his jacket, helping him to shimmy it off; and tosses it somewhere on the couch.
“I can’t believe you avoided and ignored me for a week,” Jisung whines, lightly slapping Seungmin’s chest with his hands. He looks frustrated. When he moves to slap Seungmin’s chest again, Seungmin just grabs his hands and pulls him into a hug again. “I was worried about you, asshole.”
“That’s a bad word,” Seungmin whispers. It’s all he can manage right now.
“Did I do something wrong?” Jisung croaks into his shoulder. He grips the back of Seungmin’s t-shirt.
“No,” Seungmin shakes his head, playing with the hem of Jisung’s red hoodie. He stares at the white rug behind Jisung. “I just thought that... maybe you wanted to be with Felix more this year.”
“You sound ridiculous,” Jisung deadpans. He leans back again, squishing Seungmin’s cheeks and pouting at him. “I’d prefer to spend my break with you, Puppy! I’d prefer to spend my years with you! You’re my best friend.”
Seungmin feels a pang in his heart at that. He still doesn't meet Jisung's eyes as he mumbles, “But you have a crush on Felix.”
“No, I had a crush on him,” Jisung corrects and lifts Seungmin’s head. Seungmin just focuses on the soft, fond smile on his friend’s face. “It was super short-lived, though. When I told Changbin about it, he said I was probably just mistaking admiration for a crush since Felix is the one who won us the last volleyball game last year.”
“Oh,” Is all Seungmin can muster. He remembers that game; he remembers how Jisung glowed with pride for his teammate. He remembers congratulating Felix at the dinner Jisung dragged him to for the celebration. He remembers wishing Jisung would be proud of him in the same way he was of Felix.
“Oh,” Jisung repeats. He tilts Seungmin’s head up, trying to meet his eyes. When Seungmin keeps staring stubbornly at the white rug, Jisung sighs and takes his hoodie off. He drapes it over Seungmin’s head before rolling off his lap and disappearing into the foyer to hang his coat up.
Seungmin sits, frozen, for all of 5 seconds before he slowly pulls the hoodie off and stares at it. It feels wrong when his friend comes back completely hoodie-less, and he’s only half-surprised at the sight of Jisung wearing one of his t-shirts. Seungmin has only seen him like this one other time a long time ago, and the shock factor hasn’t lessened even slightly. On his arms are fading bruises worn more like badges than scars, and his wrist is bare where his rubber band once resided like a piece of his armor. Jisung no longer makes an effort to hide the bruises, and Seungmin can’t decide if he’s no longer ashamed or if he just trusts everyone in the house enough to allow himself to be vulnerable.
“I’m not sure I understand,” He tells his friend when Jisung joins him on the couch again. He tries to hand the hoodie back to him, but Jisung pushes it back towards him.
“I want you to wear it for now,” Jisung tells him. “I’m not giving it to you, just… letting you borrow it.”
“Why?” Seungmin frowns.
“I think you need it more than me at the moment,” Is all Jisung tells him before he’s ruffling his hair and leaving him alone to greet the others.
As Jisung chats excitedly with the Seos, Seungmin stares at the red hoodie in his hands. He runs his thumbs over the soft fabric and thinks about the first time he saw Jisung in it. He thinks about how it looked more like a tent on him rather than a piece of clothing, hanging off his scrawny form and swallowing him up. He thinks about how it fits him better now, no longer as baggy as it used to be. He thinks about how he could probably remember every little story that goes along with every little permanent grass stain, paint streak, and misplaced black thread where his mother patched up holes in the red fabric.
Jisung has never parted with the hoodie for very long, and now he’s willingly leaving it in Seungmin’s hands for God knows how long.
So Seungmin pulls it on, and when he pulls the hood up over his head, he’s enveloped by the smell of Jisung: a mixture of sweat and deodorant and the detergent his mother uses. But over all of that is the smell of paint and the cheap cologne Changbin bought for his birthday earlier that year. It smells safe. It smells like home. And Seungmin’s heart stutters so much that he briefly thinks he’s having a heart attack. He presses a palm to his chest and a finger to the pulse point on his neck, shocked to feel how fast his heart is racing.
He’s not sure how to make sense of the funny, fluttering, feeling in his stomach or the weird, unfamiliar heat in his cheeks.
And when Changbin peeks his head into the living room and sees Seungmin on the couch, red-clad and his hands pressed firmly to his cheeks, he gives him a knowing smile even though Seungmin has no idea what it means.
As they all eat dinner, Jisung holds Seungmin’s hand under the table, a silent promise to never let go again.
Seungmin trusts him more than anything else.
The end of the year draws closer, and Seungmin realizes that Changbin won’t be attending the same school again. It doesn’t really hit him until Changbin tells him and Jisung that he got a job and is going to take a leap year before going to college. Jisung cries in relief because Changbin wasn’t leaving so soon after school, and Seungmin just secretly thanked whatever god above there is that their friend wasn’t going anywhere so soon.
When Changbin’s graduation rolls around, Seungmin and Jisung bake him a cake.
Okay, scratch that; they try to bake him a cake. But somewhere in all the chaos, ingredients get mixed up, and they burn the thing as a whole. Jisung somehow gets icing on his ass. After two and a half more tries, in which Jisung burns his hand on a pan and the both of them almost burn the house down, they end up getting a store bought cake, much to Seungmin’s chagrin. He had so desperately wanted to make one by hand; he just didn’t understand how it got messed up when he followed his mother’s recipe to the very last detail. Still, he had to admit that the store bought one was pretty, and the overjoyed smile on Changbin’s face upon seeing it at his graduation party made up for it in the end.
Summer is spent a lot like it was back in middle school when it was still just Seungmin and Jisung. Almost, anyway. The days Jisung would be absent from Seungmin’s side are now the days he would visit Felix or the rest of his team for a day at the beach or lunch at the local restaurants. Those days Seungmin spent inside with his cats or sulking in a corner booth at the diner Changbin worked at. But he told himself that he got Jisung more days than not and that should be enough for him. He’s just happy as long as Jisung is happy, and the stories his friend excitedly tells him at the end of the day when he comes home are exciting anyways.
When an arcade opens on the boardwalk, Jisung is overjoyed, and Seungmin is happy to see him happy. They begin to spend more of their summer days there; the beach and the ocean are just steps away, and the shitty air conditioners keep them cool. Jisung sucks at most of the games, and Seungmin isn’t any better. But it's a good way to pass the time, and Seungmin enjoys the people there. A lot of them are people like him and Jisung, people looking for a place to escape for a while. At some point, Jisung talks about getting a job at the arcade, and Seungmin tells him that they’ll do it together. They never do it, but they talk about it.
“There’s rain on the way,” Seungmin stares at the dark clouds accumulating from where he leans against the arcade game. He likes the little sounds it makes. “Looks like a lot of it.”
“No beach visits for a couple days then,” Jisung mumbles distractedly. Seungmin watches him button mash with an amused smile. “What should we do?”
“Changbin hyung drives now, right?” Seungmin pulls a red, heart shaped lollipop from his pocket. Jisung started buying them a while back with the allowance Seungmin’s mother gives him for chores. Jisung opens his mouth, and Seungmin sticks the treat in it. He hums in acknowledgment and nods; Seungmin exhales. “Well, we can get him to give us a ride to and from the arcade.”
The familiar “Game Over” sound comes from the machine, and Jisung curses under his breath. He huffs and drags his fingers through his freshly-dyed red hair. Then, he grabs Seungmin’s hand and pulls him to the corner they sit in when they get bored of the games. He opens his messenger bag and hands Seungmin a sandwich before grabbing one of his own. “I’m not sure hyung would be inclined to chauffeur us everywhere.”
“If we pester him enough, he will,” Seungmin shrugs. “But I’m sure we can make do with staying in the house for a couple days.” He takes a bite of his sandwich— peanut butter and strawberry jam— and settles back against Jisung’s chest, eyes focusing and unfocusing as he stares at the funny, flashing lights on all the arcade machines.
“After all,” Jisung reaches up to wipe at the corner of Seungmin’s mouth. Seungmin watches him stick his thumb in his mouth to lick off the bit of jam. “We’ll have each other.”
“That’s enough,” Seungmin murmurs. He thinks he stared at Jisung’s lips for too long.
“That’s enough,” Jisung repeats.
In the middle of July, Jisung drags Seungmin to the beach; the pair dressed in matching tank tops and shorts. (Jisung has his red hoodie tied around his waist, but Seungmin knows it’ll come off at some point to save it from the salt water.) Their arms are full with a picnic basket, a picnic blanket, an umbrella, and a tiny cooler. Jisung’s eyes are hidden by sunglasses, and the big hat he wears shields most of his face, but Seungmin can tell he’s happier than he’s been in a while. So he lets Jisung decide what they do for the day, even when it results in him drenched with sea water and covered in sand. Not that he’s complaining; not when he’s having just as much fun as Jisung.
When they eat lunch, Jisung draws constellations in the sand with a thin piece of driftwood, and Seungmin rambles about some new discovery NASA made earlier in the week. At some point, Changbin stops by to say hi and steals one of their sodas. Seungmin just watches with a fond smile when Jisung chases their friend all the way to the parking lot. When he comes back, panting and heaving, he collapses in Seungmin’s lap; Seungmin just pets his hair and giggles at him.
“You okay?” He asks. Jisung groans in response.
“S’hot,” Jisung mumbles, rubbing his cheek against Seungmin’s thigh. “Let’s go in the water.”
“Reapply your sunscreen first,” Seungmin drops the bottle by Jisung’s hand and grabs the other one to apply it to his own skin.
He tries not to stare when Jisung tugs his tank top off and discards it in their bag, displaying his golden skin in whole. It makes Seungmin’s throat close up, and his heart races wildly. He keeps his eyes on his arms, even when his focus strays so far that he doesn’t even realize he’s applying too much sunscreen until some of it drips onto his leg. When Jisung laughs at him, he scowls and pushes him into the sand.
“Here, apply some of that glob to my back. I can’t reach the middle,” Jisung requests, twisting his arm around to point to the center of his spine.
Seungmin heart stops. He looks between the back of Jisung’s head and the spot he’s pointing at. Quickly, he scowls, shakes himself out of it and tells himself “ it’s just Jisung. Stop being weird.” He scoops up some of the cream from his leg to rub it onto Jisung’s back. His friend shivers and giggles, mumbling something about it tickling. Seungmin just bites the inside of his cheek and tries to focus on the task at hand.
Next thing he knows, Jisung is pulling him to his feet and towards the water, where he brings both of them tumbling into the waves upon impact. Jisung laughs as he tries to find his footing as the water keeps washing up on him, and Seungmin has to lift the other up himself. After a quick three second staring session, Jisung grins and splashes Seungmin before quickly taking off down the beach to avoid retaliation. However, Seungmin grew a good few inches in the last year, which means his legs are longer than Jisung’s, and he catches up to his best friend fairly quickly.
“Seungmin, mercy!” Jisung squeals as Seungmin carries him further into the waves. He squirms a couple times but makes no actual effort to escape. Seungmin tries not to smile at the way Jisung is giggling.
“Time to throw you back where you came from,” Seungmin says when he’s thigh deep in the water and knows the waves will soften Jisung’s fall. “Perhaps I’ll finally get a moment of peace and quiet.”
“Not when Changbin exists—” Jisung snickers and immediately shrieks when Seungmin gears up to throw him. He interrupts his next statement with a panicked laugh, clawing at Seungmin's hopes for some sort of purchase. Seungmin’s composure breaks only for a moment. “Wait, wait! Oh my god— Oh, please, Seungmin dear! Spare me, spare me!”
“You brought this on yourself,” Seungmin tells him and then as an afterthought adds, “Close your eyes. Salt water burns.”
“How considerate,” Is the last thing Jisung says before Seungmin swings him twice, and on the third swing, he lets the other go. Jisung doesn't go that far, and it looks more like Seungmin just dropped him, but he still is submerged for a split second. He then emerges, spluttering and laughing.
“You okay?” Seungmin laughs as he steadies Jisung and brushes his friend’s wet bangs out of his eyes. He wipes the saltwater from his eyelids and cups his cheeks, lifting his face to check him if anything scratched him.
“Seungmin,” Jisung chuckles as he reaches up to grip Seungmin’s wrists, drawing his attention and meeting his eyes. “I’m alright.”
Seungmin gulps, unable to tear his gaze away from Jisung’s, so he focuses on the small golden flecks in his eyes. Something about the way Jisung said his name makes his tummy feel funny. He thinks he might be sick. He nods slightly, whispering a soft, “Okay.”
Jisung smiles and tugs gently on Seungmin’s earlobe. “C’mon, let’s go see what shells wash up in the tide.”
When Jisung is satisfied with his haul of shells and other trinkets found along the shore, the sun finally begins its descent below the horizon. As others pack up and head home for the evening, Seungmin and Jisung stay seated on their blanket, sharing a small bowl of grapes and chatting about anything and everything. At some point, Jisung maneuvers himself to lay his head in Seungmin’s lap, body outstretched and smile fond. Seungmin drops grapes in his mouth, pinches his cheeks, and plays with his damp hair. Jisung calls him a prince; Seungmin calls him a star. Jisung turns a shade of red Seungmin’s never seen before.
“Sunset orange,” Jisung murmurs after a while. They had both been quiet for some time, gazes turned to the sky as they watched it turn to fire.
“Sunset orange?” Seungmin looks down at him, eyebrows furrowed. He hasn’t said that color around Jisung yet. He hasn’t been able to figure out how.
Jisung hums and meets Seungmin’s eyes. He reaches up and brushes his bangs back. His smile is so tender and fond. “I heard you tell Antares a couple weeks ago when you thought I was asleep. It’s funny; you do that a lot. But this time, I thought I dreamed you saying it. Now I’m not so sure.”
Ah, Seungmin knows what he means. He and Jisung had spent the day in town, where they got ice cream, chased pigeons in the town square, visited the diner Changbin works at, and spent too many hours in the arcade. Jisung had been in such a good mood, and when they finally returned home for the night, he helped with dinner and engaged with Seungmin’s sister about her school stuff and future plans. Later that night when he and Seungmin sat on the roof, Jisung held his hand and promised him a castle fit for a king among the stars for the two of them. When Jisung finally went to bed, Seungmin sat on his windowsill with Antares and told him that Jisung is sunset orange, a special color that no one else can or ever will be. He just… didn't know how to tell him how special he is.
Except, it seems like he did it unknowingly anyway.
“You heard that,” He laughs, half in embarrassment and half to mask the sudden wave of anxiety he feels.
Jisung’s smile just grows. He reaches up with both hands and squishes Seungmin’s cheeks, giggling when the latter rolls his eyes and bats his hands away.
“Oh, Seungminnie,” He whispers, grabbing one of Seungmin’s hands to hold it close to his chest. “Meeting you was like meeting myself in a different color. You’re my...”
He pauses and looks to the sky as he thinks. He squeezes Seungmin’s hand as he meets his eyes again. “You’re my complimentary color. My summer sky blue.”
Seungmin feels his chest tighten, his heart twist, and he feels a little bit lightheaded when Jisung looks at him like that. He can’t quite place or really understand why. He just knows it makes him feel fuzzy, fluttery, and a little bit sick but in a good way.
Jisung is perfect in the same way an old piece of parchment is, stained with ink and worn by time. He’s torn at the edges and there are weak spots where too much ink bled through. However, when you look at the full picture, all you see is a masterpiece. Beautiful, bold strokes that tell a story of a strong prince who is so loved by many and who has such great things waiting for him. Jisung is perfect in the same way well-loved toys are, cherished, beautiful, and special in a way nothing else is.
The sky is sunset orange and slightly purple when Seungmin decides he agrees that meeting Jisung was like meeting himself in a different color. Jisung is the sunset orange that mixes with the blue of the sky above them, just a little bit brighter and a little bit happier. They are each other’s complimentary colors, matching each other more than they match anyone else.
☀︎︎☀︎︎☀︎︎
In senior year, so many things happen, and Seungmin can’t really keep up with it all.
One, he finally joins the school choir because there was an empty slot in his schedule. However, he realizes that he loves to sing. He is good at singing. Singing felt right to him. He also doesn’t mention it to his friends, at least not right away. Not until Jisung happens to come upon the choir room during his free period and sees— well, more like hears— Seungmin singing during a practice recital. Seungmin never hears the end of it.
Two, Jisung is once again at the center of Seungmin’s school day now that Changbin isn’t there anymore and Jisung’s crush on Felix is no more. Lunches under the stairs are once again just Seungmin and Jisung, the halls become dangerous territory once more, and the locker across from theirs is no longer Changbin’s. It feels wrong, in a way. Seungmin tries not to think about it.
Three, his mother is in and out of the hospital for too many things out of nowhere. Most days when Seungmin and Jisung come home from school, his mother is nowhere to be seen, and a note announcing her absence is left in her place. She leaves food to heat up and a list of any chores that need to be done, but both boys begin getting more and more worried about her as time goes on. They try staying up to wait for her but end up falling asleep on the couch and being late to school more than once.
Four, Seungmin develops a weird tummy tingle that makes him feel a little nauseous and makes his heart twist painfully in his chest every time he’s around Jisung. And it seems to get worse the more he starts to notice the little things about Jisung he didn’t pay attention to before. Things like the way he’s so animated when he talks, the golden flecks in his eyes, and the fact that his smile and Adam's apple are heart shaped. He’s been caught staring too many times, and he’s laid awake for hours on end too many times, imagining things he won’t dare dwell on past this moment as he watches the boy next to him sleep, safe and content in Seungmin’s red duvet. It’s gotten to the point that Antares and Pollux stare at him judgingly every time he meets their eyes in the middle of the night.
He knows it’s something like love, but the thing about loving someone like Jisung is that you never know what’s to come with him. Every second, you’re left guessing what he’ll do next, like skipping classes to go to the boardwalk or exploring places they somehow haven’t touched yet. Seungmin used to be scared to walk across the old, abandoned train bridge that creaked and groaned under their weight, but then Jisung had smiled at him and held his hand as they danced together on the damned thing. Now, Seungmin will climb the old railings and pretend he could sprout wings and take off into the clouds above.
Jisung makes living easy, even when Seungmin doesn’t want to. Jisung, who used to be a purple and gold painting when he spent too much time in a place where Seungmin could not protect him; Jisung, who now looks like the sunsets Seungmin adores; Jisung, who is now like Seungmin’s moonlight on the days he feels too much like an empty night sky and not enough like the bluest summer skies the pair spend so much time under; Jisung, who wears his old, paint stained red hoodie everywhere he goes and draws daisies all over Seungmin’s arms until there’s no more space to leave any more; Jisung, a golden star, a heart shaped boy, and all things good in the world.
With all of that, Jisung also makes things not very easy either. After Changbin turns 19, Jisung disappears for a week. Seungmin worries himself physically sick over his friend’s disappearance and breaks down when Jisung, with his hood pulled up to cover a bruise on his cheekbone, finally shows up on his doorstep. For the first time in all the years they’ve known each other, Jisung asks about Seungmin’s dad with a bittersweet look in his eyes. Jisung feels so far ahead of Seungmin that he’s always out of reach even when he’s right next to Seungmin. Sometimes it feels like Jisung is leaving him behind.
When Jisung turns 18, Seungmin bakes him a cake that deflated in the oven somehow, but Jisung had just told him it was the best present he’s ever received. And when Seungmin turns 18 a week later, Jisung gets him a pair of red converse and makes him promise to stay safe no matter what. In the moment, Seungmin had promised without question until later that night when he wondered why the request sounded so much like a goodbye. Jisung makes most things easy, but he also makes most things hard, just as he’s always done. Jisung has been— and probably always will be— a conundrum Seungmin will never be able to solve.
If it means always being with Jisung, he’ll spend forever trying though.
The Friday before winter break is Seungmin’s first choir performance— his first choir performance with a solo high note. When he stands on stage, he simultaneously feels nauseous and excited. He sees Changbin and Jisung front and center, and he feels his heartbeat pick up and soar high above the clouds. When he sings his solo high note, he feels like he’s among the stars. When he bows with the rest of the choir, Changbin and Jisung’s cheers are the loudest.
Seungmin receives two bouquets backstage. One is from his mom and sister, given to him with proud and bashful smiles. And the second is from Jisung. Sunset orange and red tulips stare up at him from his arms, and Jisung smiles at him like nothing else matters. Jisung tells him his voice is beautiful.
“ The voice of an angel. No, something more divine than an angel. Ethereal. Effervescent, ” He says.
Changbin chimes in with a simple, “mellifluous.”
Jisung enthusiastically accepts that as the perfect word. Blood rushes to Seungmin’s face and turns his cheeks and ears scarlet. It makes him feel fuzzy.
He feels high from adrenaline, excitement, and love from the people he trusts most in the world. He feels like he finally found a place for him to belong when he wasn't with Jisung. Everything just felt right in this moment, and Seungmin wishes he could just press pause and stay in the moment forever.
It’s unfortunate that all good things must eventually come to an end.
Senior year finishes in a series of not bad but not quite good events. The kind of not-bad-not-good you experience when trying something new and it turns out to be underwhelming. The kind of not-bad-not-good feeling when you get a passing grade but not a high grade. Seungmin doesn't hate it, but he doesn’t love it either.
In early February, Changbin tells Seungmin and Jisung he applied to an arts college in the city, and he was going to get an apartment with one of his old teammates at the end of summer. Seungmin is proud of him, and Jisung makes Changbin promise not to forget them. Changbin just laughs and hugs them both tight, promising that they’ll always be his best friends first. Seungmin holds him a little tighter that night.
In late February, Jisung tells Seungmin he had applied for a few different arts colleges, one of them being Changbin’s. Seungmin tells him he’s proud of him, even when something about it makes him scared. Like Jisung is slipping through his fingers no matter how tight he tries to hold on. And then it makes him wonder what was waiting for himself after graduation because he still didn’t know what he was going to pursue after highschool. Sure, he loves choir, he loves the stars, he loves his books. Is there a future waiting for him with any of those? Jisung and Changbin make things seem so easy, but when it comes to himself, Seungmin realizes it’s not easy at all.
On a weekend in March, Jisung takes Seungmin to a party where they have their first taste of alcohol. Seungmin hates it and almost throws up, Jisung downs three more shots before he actually throws up and vows never to touch alcohol again. They leave the party late into the night— “the witching hour” as Jisung called it— and end up passing out all curled around each other under their tree. They wake up to a concerned Changbin and Seungmin’s outrageously terrified mother. She is extremely relieved they were safe, but she still grounds the two of them once her tears stop falling.
Because of that grounding, Jisung’s dad comes knocking because his son hasn’t been home in a couple days. Seungmin watches from the hall as his sister cusses out Jisung’s dad when the man tries entering the house without permission. And when he returns to his room to check on Jisung, his friend has slipped out through the open window. Seungmin watches helplessly as Jisung’s dad drives off, Jisung curled up in the passenger seat.
The family doesn’t see him for a week. Seungmin collects all of Jisung’s makeup work for him, and on Saturday he waits on the porch for his friend until it becomes past midnight. When Jisung doesn't show like he usually does when this happens, Seungmin gets scared. In the morning, he calls Changbin, who says he has heard nothing but he promises to ask anyone else Jisung might be close to if they have heard from him. Seungmin tries Jisung’s house phone, only for his mother to pick up and give him vague, short answers. But Seungmin could hear the way her voice shook; it was just like his own mother’s voice when his dad was still around. Instead he asks if Jisung was home. Jisung’s mother says none of them had seen him all day.
That tells Seungmin all he needed to know.
Without a word to the rest of his own family, he makes way for the beach as fast as he can on his bike. He tries to ignore the pounding in his chest. He tries to ignore the cottony feeling in his throat.
And when he sees Jisung, he’s pressed against the trunk of the great oak, absently snapping a rubber band against his wrist. That is something Seungmin hasn’t seen in so long. He feels his bones turn to jelly from relief that his friend is safe though.
He discards his bike without a second thought and stumbles over to Jisung, who only notices Seungmin once he’s collapsing to his knees and tugging Jisung close so fast that it knocks them both over. They lay in the grass for a while; Jisung is a comforting and familiar weight on Seungmin’s chest. Seungmin grips the fabric of Jisung’s red hoodie like a lifeline, as if Jisung really will slip through his fingers if he doesn’t hold tight enough.
Finally, Jisung pushes himself up to look down at Seungmin. He looks divine, haloed by the late morning glow of the sun. It is then that Seungmin notices the purple bruise on Jisung’s cheek, glossed over with dried tear tracks. Gently, he reaches up and rubs his thumb over it, his touch featherlight. Jisung leans into his hand.
“Hey,” Jisung whispers. His voice cracks.
“You’re purple today,” Seungmin whispers back. He wishes he could take all of Jisung’s pain away.
Jisung chuckles and hangs his head. “Haven’t heard that in a while.”
“I was worried about you,” Seungmin can barely get the words out. He feels like there’s a sponge in his throat, soaking up all the things he wants to say and expanding until he can’t breathe anymore. Tears gather at the corner of his eyes. “I was scared.”
Jisung’s expression is unreadable when he meets Seungmin’s eyes again. His eyebrows furrow as he searches Seungmin’s face like it holds all the answers, and then he opens his mouth as if he’s going to say something. After a brief second, he closes his mouth and settles back onto Seungmin’s chest.
“M’sorry,” He finally whispers and squeezes Seungmin’s bicep once then twice. “Won’t happen again. I promise.”
Jisung doesn’t go back to that house again after that. He reasons that he’s 18 now; he has no reason to step foot anywhere near that house anymore. He’s been leaving most of his clothes at Seungmin’s anyways, and anything else he needs, he retrieves from his cracked window when his family isn’t home. Seungmin feels like a spy from TV when he bikes Jisung to the house and waits outside the window on lookout.
In March, Seungmin’s sister calls him late one night from her dorm room halfway across the world. Jisung is fast asleep, and his mother is in the hospital. Seungmin distracts his sister from her worries and tells her funny stories of two princes that Jisung has told him in the past. She asks him for his color at some point, and he tells her sunset orange. He asks her the same, and she says blue. Seungmin promises to hug her a little tighter when she gets home.
Seungmin remembers something his dad told him once on that night. Something he has forgotten over the years. His dad made him promise that he would stay strong when his mom and sister needed him. Because being strong means that you can protect people, and his dad was never good at being strong. When Seungmin was younger, his sister would always protect him, and he remembers deciding he would be strong because she is. Not because his father wasn’t. His father had also told him that one day he would find someone to be strong for, and he would want to protect them from the evils of the world.
And when he looks at Jisung, who’s bundled up in his red hoodie and the red duvet with Pollux curled around his head and Antares draped over his sleeping form, Seungmin knows he’s strong for him to protect him. So he smiles and changes into pajamas before crawling into bed next to Jisung. His friend immediately gravitates towards him, seeking warmth, and Seungmin welcomes him with open arms.
Near the end of March, Seungmin learns something hard on a rainy day. He learns that all good things come to an end. Sometimes it's like a powder keg finally exploding. Maybe not in the way you expected. Maybe you don’t even realize it has exploded until it’s too late. Still, it’s happened, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Jisung finds him on the steps leading up to the front office, curled into a ball at the edge of the awning. Seungmin was watching the droplets splash against the concrete when his best friend plops down next to him with a rain jacket covering his red hoodie. He lays another one over Seungmin’s shoulders and smiles.
“Your mom gave these to me this morning while you were getting ready,” He tells Seungmin who is giving him a confused look as the other grabs the jacket. “Always prepared, just like you—” He pauses, gives Seungmin a onceover, and then laughs. “Well, almost like you anyway.”
“Shut up,” Seungmin mutters, pushing his arms through the sleeves of the jacket and releasing a huff. “We were late because you refused to get up.”
“And you forgot your bike since your mom insisted she drive us,” Jisung observes. He looks towards the cloudy sky, lips pursed. “And I don’t think this is gonna let up any time soon.”
Seungmin stands and stretches his legs out, exhaling in mild annoyance directed at the weather as he does. “There’s bus stop shelters from here to about halfway home. If we’re fast, we can hurry.”
“What—” Jisung splutters, standing and gesturing to the rain. “You want us to run home in that?!”
Seungmin smiles. He meets Jisung’s eyes and shrugs. “Why not, right? Out of all the things we’ve done in the past five years, we haven’t done this.”
“Who are you, and what have you done with my Seungmin?” Jisung tries to seem suspicious, but the words come out as more of a joke. Seungmin’s smile just grows. “The Puppy I know would never suggest something like this.”
“I’m still your Seungmin. I always will be,” He laughs and pinches Jisung’s cheeks before pulling his hood up and hurrying down the steps. When he turns to see if Jisung is following, his friend is still standing on the steps and staring at Seungmin with an expression that Seungmin can’t quite place. It makes Seungmin think of yellow and pink. “You coming?”
“Yeah,” Jisung squeaks and follows Seungmin down the steps. When he lands next to him on the sidewalk, there’s a brief moment of silent eye contact before Jisung grins and takes off running down the sidewalk. “Last one there has to do the dishes tonight!”
“You little—!” Seungmin hisses and hurries after Jisung. His friend’s laughter gets drowned out by the rain and the wind that’s rushing past their ears.
Seungmin already knows they’re going to be soaked by the time they get home, regardless of the brief stops they make under bus shelters. He’s also certain they’ll end up sick after this; there’s no way they won’t, considering the house is fifteen minutes away by bike. That means that running in the rain will extend that time and so will the time spent exposed to the cold rain. But at that moment when he’s chasing Jisung along the sidewalk, splashing in puddles, and spinning each other around in the downpour, he doesn’t really care about what will follow. A little cold is a good price to pay if it means he has a chance to make Jisung laugh so much he turns pink.
When they burst into the house, dripping wet and cackling so hard their ribs hurt, Jisung collapses against Seungmin’s chest at the door. Seungmin pushes his hood back and brushes his wet bangs off his forehead. Jisung is shivering, and his teeth are chattering. Despite all that, he smiles at Seungmin like he’s the only thing that matters right now. Seungmin attempts to warm him up by rubbing his cheeks since Jisung is making no move to continue into the house despite them dripping puddles on the polished floor of the foyer.
Jisung’s expression shifts then, something similar to the way he was looking at Seungmin at the school earlier. This time it feels red. He looks out the window behind Seungmin’s head and smiles, small and soft. Finally, he detaches from Seungmin.
“If the rain lets up later, we should go to the beach,” Jisung suggests as he kneels to untie Seungmin’s sneakers then his own. “For now, let's go warm up.”
Seungmin swallows thickly and nods, letting Jisung unbutton his rain jacket so he can shrug it off. They change out of their wet clothes and take them to the laundry room, where they wordlessly throw the clothes into the washing machine and hang up the coats to dry. Jisung always looks weird without his hoodie as he’s currently bundled up in one of Seungmin’s pink sweaters. The thing is already big on Seungmin, so it easily swallows Jisung and makes him look tinier than he already is.
While it pours outside, Seungmin and Jisung make dinner and study together in the living room with the cats. They snuggle together on the couch and watch an old movie that they don’t even pay attention to once they get tired of their schoolwork. Jisung spends the whole two hours chattering away with his back pressed against Seungmin’s chest as he plays with Seungmin’s hands. Seungmin spends the whole two hours mesmerized at how small Jisung’s hands look compared to his own.
The pads of Jisung’s fingers are rough with calluses built up from years of art and learning the guitar. There are little scars littered across the back of his hands from the scrapes and cuts due to the years climbing (and falling out of) trees, digging in the dirt, and skateboarding. Seungmin has always admired Jisung’s fearlessness no matter what the situation is, and it makes him wish he had that kind of bravery. He thinks it left with his father, buried deep beneath the earth covering his coffin. He knows a piece of himself was left in the ground that day; he just never knew what piece. Someday, he should visit his father and dig it back up again, but only when he’s ready to stare that gravestone in the face again.
“Yellow,” Jisung whispers around the time the sun finally dips below the horizon. Seungmin doesn’t know what exactly it applies to, but he just hums in acknowledgment and watches the rain slowly stop outside the windows.
Late into the night, Seungmin gets a call from the hospital. It’s his mother letting him know she won’t be home until tomorrow afternoon, but considering the time, he assumed that. He tells her to stay safe and promises to take care of Jisung until she’s home. His mother rambles about the hospital to him, and he watches Jisung, who is sitting on the living room floor and teasing Antares with a feather toy. His friend giggles when the cat leaps and stumbles, rolling against his legs. Seungmin smiles.
“...I’m sorry, Seungmin,” His mother pulls his attention again. He frowns and opens his mouth to respond, but his mother beats him to it. “I should be there with you. Instead, I’m stuck in this stupid place all the time. I’m sorry. I’m not being a good mother these days.”
“Mom…” Seungmin sighs. He rubs his eyes and leans against the kitchen wall. “You can't help it. You’re— you’re gonna be fine though. Noona’s in college, and Jisung and I are eighteen now. You’ve gotten us this far, and you’ve done a good job.”
When he inhales, it’s shaky and ragged. His eyes burn with tears. “Focus on getting better now, okay?”
He feels blue. He feels purple. He feels black. He hurts— his heart hurts.
“I’m sorry,” His mother whispers in response. She inhales. Seungmin can hear the tears. He can hear her sniffle. “I’m going to get better. I promise.”
“I know you are,” Seungmin tells her. Then he adds, “Please stay. Please get better.”
He’s already lost one parent, and a piece of him went with his dad. He can’t lose his mom too.
“I promise,” His mother tells him firmly in the same tone she’d use when he was young, stubborn, and wouldn’t do as she said the first time she asked. Despite the growing despair in his chest, a smile tugs at his lips.
After he says goodnight to his mother and she hangs up, he returns to Jisung’s side. His friend wordlessly takes his hand while rubbing Antares’ belly. Seungmin rests his head on Jisung’s shoulder, exhaling softly.
“I want to see the stars,” He whispers. “Do you think they’ll show for us?”
“When do they not?” Jisung murmurs. He lifts Seungmin’s hand and presses their palms together. “Color?”
“Too many,” Seungmin croaks and hides his face in Jisung’s shoulder to stifle the tears.
“I’ve got you,” Jisung whispers into his hair, pressing a kiss to the crown of his head. “I’ve always got you.”
Later, after he’s calmed down and they eat sandwiches Jisung made, Seungmin bikes them to the beach. Jisung holds onto his shoulders a little tighter. He hums a quiet tune and drums along to it on Seungmin’s chest. Seungmin feels himself relax as he listens. He thinks he recognizes the song, perhaps from some distant memory of a lullaby. He likes Jisung’s rendition of it.
The sand is wet as they walk across it, and they sit inches away from where the waves wash onto the shore. Seungmin can feel water seeping into his clothes when he lays down to stare up at the stars. The clouds have long since cleared away, leaving the sky full of little twinkling lights millions of miles away. Up there, you don’t have to worry about bad colors or good colors or growing up or losing people. Up there, you can simply exist. Seungmin wishes he could just exist up there with Jisung.
“See?” Jisung hums as he lays next to Seungmin. “They always show for us.”
Seungmin grabs his hand as he seeks out the constellations he knows so well. Jisung traces the lines of his palm, traces the little fading daisy doodles he left behind on Seungmin’s skin. Seungmin looks at him, and the stars are reflected in his eyes. A whole galaxy is held right there, so close to Seungmin yet so far somehow.
“What did your mom say?” Jisung asks after a while.
Seungmin sighs and stares at the sky. The stars twinkle at him.
“She just… apologized. Said she wasn’t being a very good mom ‘cause she’s always there now,” He explains, his voice cracking slightly. Jisung squeezes his hand. “She’s so tired these days. It’s not her fault.”
“Exactly,” Jisung nods. “Not her fault, or yours, or anyone else’s. She and the doctors are doing their best. She’s strong. She’ll be okay, I promise.”
He guides Seungmin to meet his eyes, smiling softly and supportively. He brushes his thumb along the apple of his cheek.
“Okay,” Seungmin croaks. He reaches up with his free hand, fingers grazing Jisung’s cheek oh-so lightly. Jisung's smile grows, and Seungmin’s breath catches in his throat. When he tries to retract his hand, Jisung catches it and presses it flat against his cheek.
“How do you feel right now?” Jisung asks.
Seungmin doesn't really know. His chest hurts but in a good way, fuzzy and fluttery, and his mind feels foggy but not in a bad way. His heart pounds against his ribcage like drums, and his face feels so warm like a bonfire. He feels like the sun. He feels red and yellow and sunset orange and pink all at the same time. He doesn’t know what to call this feeling.
“Like a star,” He answers because it feels right. “A really bright star that’s on the verge of exploding but in a really good way.”
“Well, you are a really bright star,” Jisung says confidently. He brushes Seungmin’s bangs off his forehead. “The brightest star in my sky, at least.”
“How do you feel?” Seungmin asks him. He wants to explore the galaxy in Jisung’s eyes.
“I—'' Jisung opens his mouth. He pauses, eyebrows furrowing. He clamps his mouth shut, seeming frustrated suddenly. Seungmin just waits patiently for him to find his words. Jisung exhales through his nose and sits up, pulling Seungmin up with him. Just as Seungmin is about to ask, Jisung presses a finger to his lips and narrows his eyes just slightly. “I don’t know how to put it into words, so I’m going to show you instead. Is that okay?”
Seungmin’s heart bangs against his chest. He nods, unable to tear his gaze away from Jisung’s.
And when Jisung leans in, he doesn’t lean away. He just watches, watches, and watches as Jisung comes closer, closer, and closer. When Jisung pauses centimeters away from Seungmin’s face, Seungmin realizes he’s so close that he can feel the other’s breath on his face. When he understands what’s happening, he decides to let it happen. To him, it’s as if this moment in time is frozen, like whatever happens doesn’t leave this small chunk of the beach. Whatever happens here will be buried in the sand like a time capsule, long-forgotten yet safe with the waves and the birds and the stars.
Seungmin closes his eyes and the distance between the two of them at the same time and presses their lips together in a semi-awkward kiss. But Jisung smiles and tilts his head, cupping Seungmin’s face and pressing closer to him. Seungmin rests tentative fingers on the side of Jisung’s neck as his friend just keeps pushing closer, closer, and closer, until he’s flush against Seungmin’s side, curled in and around him like two puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly.
Jisung tastes like their dinner and the salty air around them. He simultaneously tastes cool and brisk like stars and hot and dangerous like fire. Part of Seungmin wants more, the other part wants to protect himself. And some other part, deep inside, wants a little bit of both.
Jisung exhales softly when they break apart as if everything makes sense to him. He presses their foreheads together, grasping one of Seungmin’s hands and holding it close to his chest. “Was that okay?”
Seungmin swallows thickly. He’s watched enough TV to know that kissing means that there are mutual feelings. Most of the time anyway, and Jisung initiated this. But something in the back of Seungmin's mind is stopping him from accepting this, from taking this for what it is. He pulls back and stares at his hand where it's resting against Jisung's chest, right above his heart, and his own heart twists so bad it hurts.
“Seungmin?” Jisung frowns, pulling his attention.
“Sorry, I—” Seungmin hesitates, eyebrows furrowed. “I’m not sure how I feel now.”
“Oh,” Jisung’s face falls just slightly. “Is it— is it good or bad?”
Seungmin shakes his head. For some reason, he feels like crying. “I don’t know.”
Jisung nods and turns to face the water again. For a while, they sit in silence, hands still clasped as they watch the waves wash onto the shore. Seungmin rubs his thumb over Jisung’s knuckles in hopes that it would somehow convey that he’s not mad or that he doesn’t hate him. He just isn’t sure how to feel.
“It was okay,” Seungmin tells him after a while. “I think I just need time.”
“Okay,” Jisung murmurs. He lifts Seungmin’s hand to press a kiss to his knuckles. “I can wait. However long you need.”
Seungmin rests his head on his shoulder. Jisung presses another kiss to the crown of his head and wraps an arm around him.
The sand is still wet when they trek back across the beach to Seungmin’s bike at sunrise. Jisung holds on a little tighter as they ride back to the house where they shower and change into pajamas. When Seungmin lays next to Jisung’s sleeping form, he traces the relaxed lines of his face. Jisung smiles slightly in his sleep, and Seungmin can’t help but smile a little too. He holds Jisung close and whispers a soft, “I’m sorry,” before he lets sleep pull him under.
(They get sick after that. Seungmin tries to take care of them both until his mother comes home and forces him to stay in bed with Jisung. When she has to go back to the hospital, Changbin comes to take care of them per her request.)
In April, Seungmin still pretends he doesn’t have feelings for Jisung, even if they grow inside him like a bonfire and Jisung is unknowingly fanning the sparks and embers. Nothing changes except for the fact that Jisung can’t seem to go five steps without backtracking to be next to Seungmin again. Seungmin doesn’t mind though; he gets to make Jisung smile and feel safe, and that's enough. When Jisung goes to see Changbin, Seungmin goes with him. When Seungmin visits his mother in the hospital, Jisung goes with him.
April is a good month in terms of classes and grades. April is a good month in terms of Seungmin’s hobbies and Jisung’s future. In April, Seungmin wholeheartedly believes things will be okay, and things are looking up. In April, he looks into the university Jisung and Changbin applied to. He still worries for his mother, and he spends too many hours reassuring his sister she doesn’t need to come home because he has everything under control. After all, he has Jisung to help.
In May, Seungmin spends hours in rehearsals for his last recital with the high school choir. Jisung prepares for one last game with the volleyball team. Seungmin's mother spends a full week at home for the first time in months. At first, it feels like a good month. Exams are done and over with, summer is right around the corner, and the future looks bright.
In May, the powder keg blows. All good things come to an end.
In May, he sits on the steps of his house after his last recital with a wilting bouquet in hand, and there’s a storm on the way. He’s always hated the school uniforms, but he didn’t bother to take it off after the concert. His mother tried to coax him inside three times, but he didn’t budge. Changbin had left an hour ago with an apology on his lips and a pat on the shoulder.
When the rain begins to fall, Jisung finally appears at the end of the path leading up to the house. Seungmin watches quietly as his friend kicks his skateboard into his hand and slowly approaches. He seems confused. Seungmin’s heart twists.
“Hey,” Jisung says cautiously. He fiddles with the string of his hoodie. “It’s starting to rain. What are you doing outside?”
Seungmin just blinks at him. A petal drifts from the bouquet, and the wind whisks it away.
“You’re still in your uniform,” Jisung nods at him, red bangs bouncing over his forehead. Something about the way he keeps his distance makes Seungmin’s chest tighten.
“I sang about a nightingale tonight,” Seungmin says softly. He looks at the bouquet in his arms. He bounces his leg and bites back tears. “A beautiful song. I wish you could’ve heard it.”
“What do you…” Jisung trails off. Seungmin knows he’s figured it out.
“My recital was tonight,” Seungmin whispers. The words are almost lost in the wind. “My last one. Where were you?”
“That was tonight,” Jisung says like a question, but they both know it's not.
“Yeah,” Seungmin looks into the flowers. Red and yellow and orange tulips. He toys with the red ribbon keeping the plastic in place. The colors seem so out of place. “Where were you?”
Jisung doesn’t answer right away. Seungmin watches his board tap against the walkway, splashing water onto his boots. He’ll probably have to give Jisung one of his hoodies tonight so his red one can dry.
“I was, uh— I was with the team,” Jisung finally says. It sounds like he had to force the words out.
Seungmin’s heart continues to twist so much that he thinks it’s going to burst.
“You missed my last recital— something I was really looking forward to— because you were with the team.” He murmurs. The words feel bitter on his tongue. He knows he’s probably being irrational for being so upset, but it's just that Jisung never missed a concert. Seungmin has never missed a game. They were always there to support each other, and the last one Seungmin has, Jisung isn’t there. It hurts. “I wanted to share it with you. I was proud of this.”
“I’m sorry, Seungmin,” Jisung takes a step closer, but he stops when Seungmin stands. Another petal falls from the bouquet. “I’ll make it up to you.”
“It doesn't matter now,” Seungmin steps up onto the porch to put distance between him and Jisung. In the past five years, he’s wanted nothing more than to pull Jisung closer, closer, and closer until they were just one person. For once, he doesn’t want to be near him. Not because he hates him or because he’s mad, but because he hurts so much and everything feels purple and black. Seungmin doesn’t want it to spread to Jisung. “I’ll sleep in noona's room.”
“Seungmin—”
“Goodnight, Jisung.” Seungmin finally meets his friend’s eyes. Somewhere in there, there’s understanding. Right now, Jisung just looks desperate. Seungmin almost breaks.
Later that night, after wordlessly shoving a dry hoodie into Jisung’s hands and briefly linking their pinkies together, Seungmin snuggles deep into his sister’s pink duvet. He thinks that maybe part of the reason Jisung’s absence at his concert hurts so much is due to the fact that his father never made an effort with Seungmin if it didn't involve his colors or his stars. For so long, that was all he thought he wanted his dad to care about. Now, he wonders if maybe that’s not the case. But he knows it doesn’t matter anymore. His dad has been gone for so long that he can barely remember what he sounds like. He misses him— only sometimes.
The difference between Jisung and his dad is that his dad tried to understand him and Jisung does it effortlessly.
As he drifts off to sleep, he makes a promise to visit his father’s grave. He hasn’t been back since his mother took him so many years ago. It might be good for him, and he thinks he wants to show Jisung.
A week passes, and Seungmin barely talks to Jisung. In their shared math class, he still lets Jisung draw tiny daisies on his hand, he still gives him rides home from school, and he still cooks them dinner every night. When they eat, it’s on opposite ends of the couch, and when they go to bed, it’s in separate bedrooms. Changbin tells Seungmin to talk to Jisung. Seungmin tells him he’s not ready. When he visits his mom in the hospital alone, she hugs him and tells him that Jisung missing one recital is not the end of the world. Seungmin knows they're both right, but he's not ready.
Without Jisung constantly attached to his hip, Seungmin realizes a few things all at once. One, he's so deep into his own purple that he thinks it’s almost suffocating. Two, his mother is weaker than she’s ever been. Every time Seungmin sees her, he just feels blue. Three, Changbin and Jisung are closer than Seungmin and Changbin. Which he already kind of knew, it’s always been like that, but seeing them together when Seungmin goes out to shop or to make a quick stop at Changbin’s diner to visit really puts things into perspective. Everything just feels lonely again since his mom is stuck in the hospital, Changbin is stuck to Jisung, and his sister is stuck halfway across the world.
So he just cleans the house in his free time.
When Jisung comes home, Seungmin shoos him into the living room to stay on the couch so he’s out of the way. He cleans so much he almost passes out and misses his homeroom class twice. But it keeps him occupied and gives him a reason to ignore Jisung. Not that he would say he’s ignoring Jisung, it’s more like he’s just putting some space between them.
The weekend of that week is Jisung’s last game with his team. It’s an unofficial home game with one of the neighboring schools, but they still wanted to go all out. Seungmin is front row as always, cheering on Jisung and, admittedly, Felix. They win just like always, and Seungmin knows Jisung is probably bragging to his team because Seungmin is there as his lucky charm. The very few times Seungmin has gone to their celebration dinners, Jisung called him that more times than he could count.
But he slips away before Jisung could catch him that night instead. He leaves a note and a hand-baked cupcake on the dinner table for Jisung when he gets home. Even if Jisung missed his last performance, he refused to miss his last game.
Halfway into the second week after the recital, Seungmin misses school. They’re a week and a half away from graduation, but he couldn't force himself out of bed. He slept most of the day, spent a bit of it listening to the cats scratch at his sister's door, and stared at a wall for the rest of it. He wished Jisung was with him at one point, but his friend had left that morning with a sigh and a murmured “See you after school” through the door. Jisung’s patience with him is probably wearing thin, so Seungmin figures Jisung wouldn’t want to be with him right now. He wouldn’t blame him though.
He misses his sister and hiding in her bed doesn’t help.
He’s about to pull himself out of bed to make himself presentable and facetime her when he hears the front door open and close. There’s silence for a few moments and then footsteps in the hallway, followed by gentle knocking on his sister’s door. He hides further into the duvet as he listens to the silence that follows. After what feels like an eternity, there’s some shuffling and a muted thump on the door. Seungmin rolls over to see Jisung’s shadow on the other side.
“I’m not even sure you’re awake or home or listening to me, but…” Even muffled by the door, Jisung’s voice is as clear as day. He inhales, preparatory, and then there’s another soft thump . “Do you remember that time we took Pollux and Antares to the shore, and they got soaked to the bone, covered in sand. But all they cared about were the little shells and the waves chasing them across the sand? We watched the sunset and then rode back home with the cats in our jackets. We were covered in sand because of it, and it was the first time you saw me without my hoodie on.”
There’s a pause. Seungmin slides out of the bed and silently pads over to the door, sliding down with his back against it. He taps the ends of his hoodie strings together, brows furrowed, as he tries not to cry. He remembers that day. They were still so young and bright-eyed back then. It was only a month into their freshman year, and bringing the cats to the shore was his idea. He was positive they’d never been close to the water, and he wanted them to experience it. He knew a spot that would be empty no matter what time of day it was. It was worth it since he got to see his cats enjoy themselves and Jisung smile as much as he did.
“You told me— you told me you liked me with or without it,” Jisung murmurs. His voice cracks, and there’s a certain edge to it that tells Seungmin’s he’s trying not to cry. “You told me you’d be my armor when the hoodie couldn't. I— I never told you this, but I promised myself that night that I would be your armor.”
A pause, an inhale, and then, “You’re always protecting me, Seungmin. And your mom. And your sister. So who protects you?”
Seungmin has the urge to jokingly reply, “Antares, obviously.” Instead, he bites his tongue because he knows that if he opens his mouth right now, he’ll burst into tears.
“Me, Seungmin. That’s who. While you’re so determined to protect everyone around you, I’m gonna be the one protecting you,” Jisung says with such confidence and determination. Seungmin doesn't know how he does it. “I messed up when I missed the recital. I know that was important to you, just like your first one. You were at my game— all of them, and I missed your recital. I’m really sorry, Seungmin. I should’ve been there.”
He sighs and thumps his head against the door. Seungmin does as well, closing his eyes and slowing his own breathing in hopes of hearing Jisung’s.
“I really had meant to make it,” Jisung murmurs. He sounds like he’s going to cry again, as if he’s frustrated with himself. Seungmin’s heart twists. “I had even set an alarm for myself, so I wouldn't miss it. But… one of the boys unplugged my phone and it died so I never got the alarm. Time just flew. I know that’s not an excuse, but it is an explanation. And the truth.”
Seungmin knows it's the truth. He knows Jisung would never lie to him.
“I know you’re still mad at me, but I’m not moving from this spot. Even if you’re sleeping, even if you’re not home, even if you’re ignoring me,” Jisung continues. “I’m not moving because I’m going to protect you. I swear it on my life.”
The silence drags on. Seungmin keeps his eyes closed as he listens to the cats meow on the other side of the door and Jisung talk quietly to them. He lets his friend’s word settle deep into his skin, inking themselves there permanently. He trusts Jisung’s word, and he knows his friend will hold true to his promise. He knows because he's held true to his own promise to protect Jisung through all these years.
And he hasn’t been doing a good job at that this past week.
He takes a deep breath and looks around the room, trying to find the words he wants to say. He’s not even sure if he’ll be able to speak without crying.
“Do you remember when— when my mom told us a bedtime story about the constellations?” He begins softly, his voice cracking. Jisung inhales sharply. “How they came to be— or, well, how she thinks they came to be anyway.”
Jisung chuckles softly, and Seungmin manages to crack the tiniest smile. He’s not even sure where he’s going with this.
“It was the first time I had ever heard her talk about the stars. She didn't love them like my dad, and I— well, that’s... what I thought, at least.” He pauses, brows furrowing once more as realization dawns on him. “Or maybe she didn't love that my dad loved them.”
A heavy silence follows his words as he tries to figure out how to continue this. Jisung patiently waits on the other side of the door, but his presence is enough to keep Seungmin calm.
“After she left, you told me that someday we would have a valiant story that will put us in the stars for people to admire. We would hold hands, and we’d protect each other—” He stops short, inhaling sharply as his tears finally spill over. He presses a hand firmly against his mouth and squeezes his eyes shut, letting the waterworks run their course. He really hates crying.
He doesn’t bother saying anything more; the past week without Jisung has been hell. He stands and throws open the door. Jisung falls back against the floor with a loud thump and a shriek. The cats climb over him and rub all over Seungmin’s legs, but he just watches quietly as Jisung groans, rubbing the back of his head and peeking an eye open to look at the boy standing over him. He smiles like his pain is forgotten, just like that.
Seungmin is reminded a lot of the sunshine-moonlight boy he met so many years ago.
“Did you know you’re kind of hot when you’re mad?” Is the first thing out of Jisung’s mouth.
Seungmin blinks twice, and then he tuts while nudging Jisung’s shoulder with his foot. “Yah! That’s all you have to say to me now?!”
“I would’ve said it sooner but you were, well,” He looks Seungmin over, and his smile grows. “Mad.”
“Alright, get up,” Seungmin grumbles, holding a hand out to help Jisung. He couldn’t help the way he smiled and turned pink at Jisung’s insinuations.
The force of Jisung’s hug is enough to send Seungmin falling backward against the doorframe. He wraps his arms around Jisung, presses his face against his shoulder, and inhales deeply. Jisung smells like his mother's laundry detergent, old paint, and the cheap cologne that Changbin buys him whenever he runs out. To Seungmin, he really smells like home.
“I’m sorry. I hate being mad at you,” He whispers, tightening his hold on Jisung’s red hoodie.
“Yeah, please never do it again.” Jisung teases with a chuckle, leaning back to squish Seungmin’s cheeks. He smiles so fondly that it makes Seungmin melt. Seungmin lets himself be led to the kitchen, gripping onto Jisung’s hand as if it’s been years since he held him. He moves closer, closer, and closer until he can hook his chin over Jisung’s shoulder and feel safe once more.
“I made hot cocoa for us. And— I was hoping you would sing for me? Since I missed the recital.” They stop at the kitchen, where two mugs wait. There are little marshmallows bobbing around in the cocoa, just how they both like it. “I want to hear about the nightingale.”
Seungmin meets Jisung’s eyes, biting the inside of his bottom lip. Jisung pouts pleadingly. “You want me to sing for you?”
“Please?”
Seungmin pinches Jisung’s cheek and ruffles his hair, smiling properly at him finally. It makes Jisung light up like a tree on Christmas.
“Alright,” Seungmin nods. “I’ll sing about the nightingale for you.”
A week and a half later, Seungmin and Jisung graduate high school. Jisung’s family doesn’t show, and Seungmin’s mom couldn't make it since she’s still at the hospital, but Changbin and his mom and sister come to show their support. They bring two big bouquets, one from them and one “from” Seungmin’s mom. The Seos take Seungmin and Jisung out for lunch after the ceremony, and Seungmin avoids all questions about what he plans to do now that he's out of school. He still hasn’t figured that out.
Later that night, Seungmin and Jisung ride to their tree, and Jisung makes flower crowns as Seungmin sings about a nightingale. Jisung crowns them both and rests their foreheads together. Jisung smiles, and Seungmin once again sees the sunshine-moonlight boy he met so many years ago. Jisung kisses his forehead and guides him to rest his head on his shoulder; Seungmin feels red. When they go home, their flower crowns are hanging from a branch of the tree.
Two days later, Jisung goes to see his parents for a reason Seungmin doesn’t know. He doesn't come home when Seungmin expects him to, so he texts him to stay safe and goes to bed. In the morning, Jisung is still absent.
He tries not to dwell on it, even though he’s worried for his friend. Instead, he makes breakfast, feeds the cats, does laundry, and then rides out to his tree. He traces the carving of his and Jisung’s initials that Jisung left a few years back and makes more flower crowns to hang from the low hanging branches. It always feels weird whenever he goes to the tree without Jisung, but it also makes him feel nostalgic. He sometimes finds himself checking behind the bush where he first found Vega and her babies, hoping that another cat would find safety among the leaves once again. It has remained empty so far, but Seungmin still checks.
He’s had a bad feeling in his stomach all morning, and for most of it, he told himself it was because Jisung is with his parents. He had hoped the tree would help calm him, with the ocean in the distance and the little traces of Jisung. Like the daisies he planted or the flower crowns he made three nights ago. The carving on the tree and the little sharpie doodles left on the old and deteriorated white picket fence that separates the tree from the beach. He hates that none of it does anything to quell the dread he’s feeling.
When he gets a call from the hospital, he understands where the dread is coming from.
For weeks, the doctors just told him his mother had a bad illness and that she’d be fine soon. She’d be home soon. For weeks, he had held onto that small sliver of hope. He prayed and prayed and prayed to gods he doesn’t really believe in and wished upon any shooting star he saw, and all of it was for naught.
“It’s worse than we thought,” The words ring through his head as he races home. “From what it looks like… well, I hate to inform you that your mother has cancer, Mr. Kim.”
He falls off his bike when he takes a corner too hard and curls up in the grass when he starts to cry. “We’re going to start chemotherapy, but it’s spreading at an alarming rate. If we’re honest, we’re not sure how good our treatments are going to be at this point.”
He feels purple and blue and black; he tugs at his hair; he sobs into his knees. “We’re so sorry, sir. We’ll do what we can.”
The universe has already taken one parent from him. Now it’s threatening to take both. He’s never been angrier at it.
He is startled when his phone suddenly rings again. He scrambles to retrieve it from his pocket and another sob wrecks his body when he sees his sister’s name staring up at him.
“Seung—” His sister croaks into the phone when he answers. A sob interrupts her. Seungmin just sits in silence as she cries. He knows she needs it. He knows he won’t be able to find the words to comfort her. He knows that’s why she called him.
Before she hangs up, she just rasps a broken “I’m sorry” and leaves Seungmin in silence. He stares at his phone, at the picture of him and Jisung on his lock screen. His hand trembles; his eyes are so fogged over with tears that the image is blurry, but Jisung’s smile is so clear.
He picks himself up, ignoring the scrape on his elbow and knee, ignoring the grass sticking to his skin, and mounts his bike again. He rides home, needing nothing more than for Jisung to hold him before he goes to see his mom. The closer he gets, the number he feels. Eventually he feels as if there’s a giant gaping hole in his chest.
At first, he’s confused to see Changbin’s truck in the driveway. He’s more confused to see Changbin walking out of his house with a box labeled “art supplies” in Jisung’s messy handwriting. He stops on the sidewalk, staring at his friend as he sets the box in the backseat of his truck where more boxes are packed in together.
The dread in Seungmin’s stomach grows.
“What’s going on?” He asks, looking between Changbin and the front door. Antares sits on the railing of the porch, staring at him pitifully.
“Seungmin!” Changbin greets cheerfully, then his face falls when he sees the look Seungmin is giving him. “Jisung didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?” Seungmin pushes just as Jisung steps out of the house with the old pink backpack Seungmin gave him a few years ago. He’s not wearing his red hoodie. “Jisung?”
“Seungmin,” Jisung exhales, looking relieved for an unknown reason. He walks down the steps and hands his bag to Changbin before crossing the lawn to stand in front of Seungmin. When he crosses his arms and averts his eyes to the grass, Seungmin feels his heart pounding against his chest.
“Changbin and I— we got accepted into that university we applied for. They were impressed with my portfolio. So, I’m…” He looks over his shoulder at the truck and scowls. “Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Seungmin whispers, staring at the truck. “Were you just going to leave without saying anything?”
“No! God, no. It’s just— Changbin is leaving today, and he said there’s an extra bedroom in the apartment he’s renting so… this was kind of… spur of the moment. I got my acceptance letter the other night, but you passed out so quickly after the beach that I just let you sleep. I meant to tell you this morning but I got caught up with… saying goodbye to my family.”
Seungmin blinks to force back the tears as he meets Jisung’s eyes. He opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, and when he finally finds the words, Jisung spots the scrape on his arm.
“Wait—” Jisung grabs his hand, lifting it up to inspect the wound. Seungmin just stares blankly. His brain won’t let him process anything. “What happened?! And have you been crying?”
Jisung reaches up, his fingers grazing Seungmin’s cheek. Seungmin jerks back so violently that it startles Jisung. He tugs his hand away and stares at his handlebars. “Seungmin, what's wrong?”
“Nothing,” Seungmin whispers. He tightens his grip on his handlebars and shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m fine. It’s nothing. I, uh, I actually have to go to the hospital. I wanna check up on mom.”
“Can’t you go later?” Jisung still attempts to touch him. This time, Seungmin lets him lift his head, their eyes meeting again. Seungmin’s never seen Jisung this concerned. “I wanted to have lunch and one last walk on the beach before I left.”
Seungmin’s hesitates. The offer is tempting, but he’s already wasted too much time. Besides, all he’d be able to think about is Jisung leaving, and he can’t deal with that today. He knows his friend has been looking forward to this, he doesn’t want to ruin this for him, especially with the news of his mother. As much as it hurts that Jisung is leaving so abruptly, he doesn’t want to take this away from him.
Deeper than all of that, he knows his place in the world was solidified the moment his mother ended up in the hospital for the first time. The moment she threw up and was rushed away by an old friend because she refused to pay the extra fees for an ambulance, he knew. Jisung knows it too; he knows Seungmin won’t leave his mother like his dad left both of them. He made the silent decision a long time ago because his sister is halfway across the world pursuing the future she deserves, and Seungmin doesn’t even know where he belongs. So he decides that where he belongs right now is at his mother's side.
Especially now more than ever.
And if he chooses Jisung at this moment, he knows he’ll never forgive himself.
“I can’t,” He shakes his head and slowly pulls away from Jisung this time. He averts his gaze because he knows Jisung will be able to tell something is more wrong otherwise. “I have to go.”
“Seungmin—”
“Good luck at university, okay?” Seungmin interrupts him. He inhales, swallowing down his tears. “You’ll be better than all of them. Just… don’t forget me in the big city, okay?”
“Let me come with you. We still have time,” Jisung grabs his wrist, nimble fingers rooting him to the spot. “Please.”
“It’s okay. You don't need to. It’ll just be the same as any other visit. My mom will tell us boring stories about the other patients and flirt with her doctor in front of us.” Seungmin tries to keep his tone light, tries to joke, tries to act like everything really is fine. He feels like he’s going to shatter into a million pieces if Jisung lets go.
“Right,” Jisung laughs, though it sounds forced. “How gross, right? Glad I don’t have to sit through that anymore.”
He hesitates and then lifts Seungmin’s hand to press their palms together. “Have the doctor clean you up, and— and tell your mom I’m thankful she spent so much of her time caring for me. Tell her I’ll miss her.”
“I promise,” Seungmin threads their fingers together. “I have to go now, but call me when you get there, okay?”
Jisung searches his face as if looking for the answer to life. “Seungmin?”
“Yeah?”
Jisung inhales and opens his mouth. No sound comes out. He clamps his mouth shut and gives Seungmin a frustrated look that's probably directed more at himself than Seungmin. Then he tries again.
“I love you.”
Oh.
Oh.
Love. Jisung loves him. Jisung says it so easily. Seungmin’s never heard anyone say it to him before; no one’s cared deep enough to. But Jisung loves him. He thinks he’s always known, from all the little things Jisung has done for him and with him and around him. But to Seungmin, love is such a foreign concept. How does one discern what’s love and what’s fondness? How is Jisung able to stand there without a doubt in his eyes and say he loves Seungmin?
The thing about loving someone like Jisung is that he’ll always love you back. Jisung makes most things easy, but he doesn't make love easy. Seungmin has tried so hard to push away the butterflies and the straying glances for so long because he knew if he admitted to himself what he felt is— love, then everything he's firmly decided on now would be for nothing. Jisung belongs in the city, changing lives and sharing his creativity with the world. He deserves to get out of this place. Seungmin belongs by the sea in his small, one-story, ancient home with his old red bike and his cats and his mom.
But love makes that so hard for Seungmin because it makes him want to get in that damned truck and drive all the way to Seoul with Jisung right now.
And he just can't.
Seungmin opens his mouth, but he chokes on the words. Hot tears roll down his cheeks unexpectedly. He tightens his grip on Jisung’s hand as Jisung laughs a little and wipes his tears away.
“Color?” His best friend asks. When he smiles, Seungmin sees the sunshine-moonlight boy again.
“Sunset orange,” Seungmin forces the words out.
“Okay,” Jisung whispers, understanding in his eyes. He kisses Seungmin’s knuckles before finally letting go. “Ride safe. Take care of yourself for me. I’ll see you soon, Puppy.”
Seungmin looks at Changbin where he leans against his truck. His friend waves, smiling a little. Seungmin smiles as well and looks at Jisung again. “You stay safe, too. Promise me, or I’ll stay here and cry until you do, and I don’t like crying.”
Jisung laughs again, and it makes Seungmin’s heart flutter in his chest. His friend nods and pinches Seungmin’s cheek, smiling at him as if he’s the only person in the world. “I promise, Puppy. Now go, your mom is probably waiting to tell you about another exciting jello cup.”
When Seungmin sits next to his mother on the cramped hospital bed and cries into her shoulder, she pets his hair and tells him all the stories about the constellations he already knows. He makes her promise not to leave, and her voice cracks with tears when she does that. When she asks about Jisung, Seungmin relays his friend’s message, and his mother wipes away her tears. They watch crappy sitcoms until visiting hours end, and her doctor says she can go home in a week if she wants to. Seungmin promises to visit every day in the meantime. His mother just gives him a sad smile.
When he finally goes home, everything hits him when Jisung isn’t sitting on the couch to greet him like he usually would be. Instead, Pollux is curled up in Jisung’s spot, fast asleep. Antares sits on the kitchen island, waiting patiently for Seungmin to greet him. Seungmin barely makes it to the kitchen before his knees buckle underneath him, and he collapses to the floor. He sobs until his eyes hurt, and his chest feels like it's full of cotton.
He doesn’t sleep that night. Instead, he makes himself dinner and mindlessly watches movies in the living room until the sun rises. He checks his phone he had left in the kitchen at some point, but there's no word from Jisung. He shoots him a text, but it goes unread for so long that Seungmin eventually passes out on the couch waiting.
After Seungmin does absolutely nothing all day, Jisung finally calls that evening. He lies and tells Jisung everything’s okay. He listens to his best friend ramble about the city and the apartment and how big everything seems. He tells Seungmin he misses the ocean, the beach, the cats, but most of all, he misses Seungmin himself. Seungmin promises to get his shit together soon and make it to the city. To him, it's an empty promise. To Jisung, it's an opportunity to plan their future together.
Seungmin feels a bittersweet heaviness settle in his heart as Jisung just keeps going. It becomes so unbearable, he cuts his friend off with the excuse of “I’m kind of tired, but we can pick this up tomorrow”. He doesn't give Jisung a chance to answer, and he ignores all the texts he got from him afterward.
When he finally drags himself to bed, there’s a box on his pillow and a sticky note with nothing more than the words “For Puppy” written on it. There’s a sharpie doodle of a puppy surrounded by daisies saying “meong!” on the wrapping itself. He stares at the red ribbon and sunset orange wrapping paper for what seems like an eternity before grabbing the box and stashing it on the shelf in his closet.
He had almost forgotten what it felt like to sleep alone in his bed. Thankfully, both the cats curl around him when he settles under his red duvet; their silent support is shown in the way Antares kneads his stomach, and Pollux purrs against his head. He tells himself he’s not alone since he has the cats, and that’s enough to pull him under and let him sleep.
The sky is dark blue and full of rain clouds when Seungmin sleeps alone in his bed for the first time in five years with the knowledge that he won’t sleep beside anyone for quite some time.
☀︎︎☀︎︎☀︎︎
In the following year, Seungmin decides not to send in his college applications. Instead, he gets two jobs— a day job on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday at the arcade and the graveyard shift at (what used to be) Changbin’s diner on Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. He spends the rest of his free time caring for his mother. He gets his driver's permit, so he can drive her to and from the hospital. He puts most of his paychecks into groceries and hospital bills. It’s not easy, and he’s exhausted most days, but he’s determined to help his mother fight through this. He refuses to mope around and let the depression get the best of him, and it allows him to distract himself from everything going on in his head.
His red bike gets stashed away in a corner of the garage to collect dust since it’s no longer needed.
Seungmin tries not to think about the absence of Jisung’s red hoodie and his red bike. Things feel lonely without them, but he’s used to being alone again.
He and Jisung try to stay in touch with quick “good morning”s and “how are you”s shared during work breaks and in between classes. Conversations are usually stretched over a couple of days. The only time Seungmin gets to hear Jisung’s voice is when Jisung sends voice messages because he can’t type, and the only time Jisung gets to hear Seungmin’s voice is when he requests voice memos of him singing. It’s not perfect, but they’re trying. Seungmin expected nothing more, considering how hectic both their schedules have become in such a short period of time.
Seungmin tries not to think about how he’s better at keeping in touch with Changbin; instead, he tells himself it's because his friends are pursuing different futures. It’s fine. Absolutely fine.
When he gets weekly updates from the hospital and it's good news, he considers calling Jisung to update him. But then he remembers two things. One, Jisung doesn’t even know about his mother. Two, Seungmin’s texts will go unread for hours now, and his calls usually go to voicemail most days. He knows Jisung isn’t intentionally ignoring him; he knows Jisung is studying a lot these days from the pictures he’ll post on his Instagram story. So, he tells himself that Jisung just has more important things to worry about and leaves it at that.
For Jisung’s nineteenth birthday, he spends almost all night trying to get in touch with him to no avail. In the morning, he learns through social media that he couldn't because Jisung was out late with Changbin and a man Seungmin can’t name. He’s handsome with sharp features and cat-like eyes. He tells himself it’s only natural that Jisung would let time get away from him if he’s having fun and sends him a quick “Happy birthday” and a confetti sticker. Jisung sends a heart back three hours later.
He spends his own nineteenth birthday running the night shift at the diner. His boss lets him leave early, sending him home with a slice of cheesecake and a smile. He stashes the cake in the freezer and makes himself microwaveable dinner, which he eats quickly, before taking off to spend the rest of his night on the beach with the stars and the waves. He doesn’t hear from Jisung until the next night when he sends a text similar to Seungmin’s happy birthday.
At some point around the beginning of winter, Seungmin strikes up an unlikely friendship with Lee Felix of all people. It happens when Felix gets assigned the graveyard shift at the diner, and Seungmin is assigned to teaching him everything he needs to know. Somewhere along the line, Felix managed to break the very cold ice between them, and Seungmin cursed himself for falling for the freckled boy’s charms in a week. The more he gets to know Felix, the more he understands Jisung’s intense and fleeting infatuation with him.
At some point, Seungmin asks Felix why he’s still here when the rest of the team has gone off to college. Felix tells him he’s taking a gap year to care for his grandmother and look into idol companies. If he can't find one by summer, he’ll apply to his top choice universities. Seungmin learns that Felix wants to be a dancer; he wishes him luck.
Seungmin’s sister comes home for winter break. When Seungmin greets her at the door, she hugs him for what feels like forever. He catches her up on anything she might've missed, and she scolds him about Jisung. He rolls his eyes and stares into his dinner, but he smiles anyway. He doesn't mention the fact that her long hair is in a ponytail for the first time in the nineteen years Seungmin’s known her.
“Missed you, noona,” He murmurs, pushing his food around on the plate. “Wish we could've seen each other under better circumstances.”
“Next time we see each other, it will be,” She promises. Then she drops her fork on the plate which causes Seungmin’s head to shoot up. He stares at her, wide-eyed, and they both burst into laughter. “Sorry, Seung. I just remembered I got you a birthday gift. It arrived three days after your actual birthday, so I figured it could work as a double present— birthday and Christmas.”
She touches her index fingers together and smiles like she’s the smartest woman alive. Seungmin thinks she is, right after his mom of course. So he just nods and watches her scurry off to get the gift from her room.
For a moment, he remembers the time a few winter breaks back when Jisung let him wear his hoodie. Weirdly enough, that’s when he remembers the sunset orange wrapped present in his closet. He considers opening it for Christmas but ultimately decides against it. Whatever’s inside of it, he’s not ready.
His sister presents an expensive wool sweater, faded from pastel yellow to a soft red with a sunset orange sun embroidered near the bottom. He tears up when he puts it on and hugs her so tight that she squeaks that she can’t breathe. When he rushes to the bathroom to take a picture for Jisung, his finger hovers over the ‘send ’ button for too long. He does send it in the end, simply leaving a smiley face with it. He doesn’t check his phone again after that and instead cuddles up on the couch to watch his sister’s favorite movies with her.
He doesn't check his phone until after work and after visiting his mother at the hospital with his sister the next day. His mother tells them to take care of each other and that she’s endlessly proud of them both; his sister insists that their mother isn’t going anywhere. Seungmin doesn't say anything; he tells himself over and over that his mother isn’t going anywhere. When he gets home, Jisung has sent ten different stickers, all of them some form of a heart or a heart-eyed critter. It makes him smile.
On Christmas, Seungmin and Jisung call for five hours. They talk as if no time has ever passed, as if Jisung isn’t four hours away, and as if Seungmin isn’t buckling under the weight on his shoulders. He tells Jisung funny anecdotes about work, updates him about the cats, and about his sudden friendship with Felix. Jisung tells Seungmin he’s painting a mural for the school and sings in a local bar with Changbin and another man named ‘Bang Chan’ on weekends. When Changbin comes home, Jisung loudly complains about his roommates. (The third roommate is named ‘Wooyoung’ Seungmin learns. According to Jisung, Wooyoung and Changbin have some ‘unresolved tension’.) Seungmin just smiles as he listens to his best friends argue with each other. When Jisung apologizes for not being able to come home for Christmas, Seungmin promises him it’s okay.
“I miss you,” Jisung says when they’d fallen into a comfortable silence.
“I miss you too,” Seungmin whispers. For some reason, he feels himself tear up. “So much.”
“I’ll come home soon, I promise,” Jisung tells him confidently. “I should be done with this mural soon, and hopefully my spring break will be clear. You’ll see me then.”
Seungmin exhales shakily and smiles, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m holding you to that.”
Silence follows for a few moments, and then Jisung asks so softly it's barely audible. “Color?”
Seungmin can’t answer right away because everything’s too jumbled. He’d say purple, but right now, on the phone with Jisung, he feels calm. There’s no color, and Seungmin doesn’t know how to feel about it. Shakily, he traces old fingerprints on his window and the sharpied daisies Jisung left on the windowsill as he ponders his answer. Jisung waits patiently and hums the song about a nightingale.
“Blue,” Seungmin murmurs. “Red. Yellow.”
“good colors,” Jisung hums. “At least you’re feeling okay right now.”
Seungmin thinks about his dad, a man who was too many things. He thinks about Jisung, a boy who is too many things. Is he too many things? He’s always seen himself as a lonely night sky, but to Jisung, he’s a Puppy Prince; he’s summer sky blue; he’s his best friend. To Jisung, he’s just Seungmin.
Maybe that’s enough.
“Yeah,” Seungmin nods, tapping the little sharpie heart on the off-white wood of his windowsill. “ Okay .”
After his sister leaves for university once more and promises to be back as soon as she can be, Seungmin goes to visit his father’s grave. He leaves a bouquet with the weathered headstone. He talks about Jisung. He talks about his mom. He talks about the stars. He says that some days he misses the memories of his dad more than he misses his dad himself. He decides that's okay.
The more he talks, the more he remembers about his dad, and the more he remembers what his dad did. He comes to terms with the fact that his dad hurt him while he was still alive when he had had too many drinks or when he and mom would argue. He thinks that, somewhere deep down, he’s still angry at his dad. But that’s okay. It’s not like it really matters anyway. His dad is just a memory and a gravestone now.
So he stands, touching the worn marble of his dad’s headstone, and decides he won’t be coming back. When he goes home, he sleeps better than he has in months and wakes up feeling more refreshed than he has in a while. He starts thinking about seeing someone to— talk about his anger. To resolve the unsolvable.
April comes with spring and spring break; Jisung doesn’t come home. Seungmin doesn't hear from him throughout the break, so he spends the extra time he gets on diner-working days with Felix at the boardwalk and dreads the overtime he’s forced to do on arcade-working days. He supposes arcade-working days are worth it when Felix comes to cheer him up, and sometimes he even brings his nephew to play the games. Felix really is nice, and Seungmin is constantly glad he stopped being jealous-but-not really of Felix.
Lee Felix pros: He’s bright and bubbly, refreshing like a summer breeze and energizing like a late spring sun. He gives Seungmin baked goods like brownies, scones, and other various treats. At times, he tends to push Seungmin out of his shell and helps him try new things. He likes beachcombing, and he likes teaching Seungmin how to dance.
Felix is the human embodiment of the color yellow, and his presence temporarily relieves Seungmin of his stress. Not in the way that Jisung’s used to, but it’s enough.
In getting Seungmin out of his shell, he introduces him to new people and gets him a bit of a social circle. Seungmin prefers the quiet moments he spends with Felix, away from all the noise or their shifts at the diner, but he supposes some of the new friends he’s made are okay. He trusts Felix’s judgment.
In return for dance lessons, Seungmin coaches him in singing when Felix expresses an interest, something about needing more than one skill for an idol company. In Felix’s big living room, they switch between dancing and singing when they get too tired; it’s a good balance between them. In the past few months, Felix has improved a lot, but Seungmin still has a ways to go.
It’s nice to have Felix there on quiet days to fill the empty spaces left behind by people Seungmin misses too much.
Lee Felix cons: He likes dogs more than cats. It’s hard to connect with him on the same levels he did with Changbin and Jisung. Sometimes his energy is just too much for Seungmin to handle, and he struggles to grasp the colors.
Seungmin tries to overlook the fact that Felix likes dogs more when Felix coos and cuddles Antares and Pollux. He supposes it's an easy thing to let go, especially since Antares and Pollux love him. If the cats think he’s okay, then Seungmin will have to accept it.
When it comes to connecting with Felix, he can’t tell if it's because they’re just too different or because he can't quite let go of the fact that Felix was Jisung’s friend first. He tends to feel guilty for the way he used to think about Felix, and when they hang out, there’s always an underlying feeling of remorse. Seeing Felix’s face and associating it with the four years Jisung was his friend first makes it hard for Seungmin to get past the jealousy he regrets, even if Felix has forgiven him. But the good always outweighs the bad, so Seungmin doesn't dwell on the bad.
As for the colors, well, Seungmin thinks that doesn't really count that much. Changbin never fully understood either. The colors are something he can only really share with Jisung, who’s the only person who truly understands.
(Some small part of Seungmin knows he should stop comparing everyone to Jisung, but it's a hard habit to break when Jisung is Jisung, and no one else feels right in his place.)
“I never really liked volleyball,” Felix admits one night while they're sitting on the old swing set at the playground together. Their shared shift ended an hour ago, but neither of them are that tired, so Felix drove them here instead. “It was fun, I guess. But I really only stayed because Jisung was nice.”
“He is quite the influencer,” Seungmin chuckles, kicking at the mulch beneath him. It’s an easy truth; anyone who knows Jisung knows that. Seungmin knows it more than anyone.
“Yes he is,” Felix hums, a fond sort of twinge in his voice. He grabs the chains of his swing and leans back, letting his head loll between his shoulders. Seungmin only now realizes how long his bleached hair is getting. “I liked him for a while because of his optimism and how inspiring he is. He’s just a really great person.”
“He liked you too.” Seungmin blurts, only to slap a hand over his mouth and squeeze his eyes shut. Another thing Jisung influenced was his brain to mouth filter.
But Felix just snickers, looking at Seungmin with a grin.
“Oh, I know,” He says, sitting up on the swing to meet Seungmin’s confused stare. “After a game– I don’t even remember which one– I was so hyped up on adrenaline from winning that I asked to kiss him. He nodded, but just before I could, he put his hand on my chest to stop me. He said he liked me, but he liked you more.”
“Oh,” Seungmin stares, dumbfounded, at his friend. He blinks a couple times before turning his eyes to the mulch. He digs his foot into it, creating an even larger crater under the swing. “Huh.”
“I’ve always known how you two feel about each other,” Felix swings a little, letting gravity do its thing. “I could see it in all your little actions— the small smiles, the way his eyes would soften into a look he saved only for you, the way you two would always gravitate towards each other after matches. But… I dunno. I wanted to take a chance, I guess. Does that make sense?”
Seungmin nods, slowly. He thinks about the night Jisung kissed him. Was that Jisung taking a chance? Did he ruin his own chance? He remembers Jisung telling him he loved him, and he knows that Jisung is waiting for him. Maybe not in the way he used to, but Jisung still loves him. Maybe he ruined his chance to be with Jisung, but he hasn’t ruined his chance to still be his best friend. One kiss doesn’t change that.
But how was Felix able to see it and Seungmin wasn’t? How was Felix, someone Seungmin barely knew until recently, able to tell? Seungmin wonders if he’s that detached from himself— or maybe he always knew and chose not to see it.
“Yeah, it makes sense,” Seungmin nods anyway. There’s no point in dwelling on that now.
“I mean, imagine being able to say you’ve kissed Han Jisung,” He pauses and gives Felix a cheeky smile. “Oh wait, I can.”
“What?!” Felix shrieks, grinning from ear to ear. He slaps Seungmin’s shoulder, making him laugh. “You’ve kissed him, and you two aren’t even together now? What the hell, dude?!”
“I had to stay here for my mom,” Seungmin shrugs. He grabs the chains of his swing and leans back to look up at the moon through the tree’s canopy. “And I guess I just wasn’t ready to leave yet. Jisung’s always been the dream chaser between the two of us, anyway. He belongs in the big city.”
“You’re a dream chaser too, Kim Seungmin,” Felix taps the toe of his shoe against Seungmin’s to get his attention. “Your dream is Jisung, and you’ve been chasing him around for as long as I can remember. Don’t let him slip through your fingers so easily, okay?”
Seungmin nods, even if it might be too late for that. Jisung may be waiting for him right now, but he can’t wait forever. Seungmin doesn't want him to wait forever either. Jisung won’t get anywhere like that, and Seungmin doesn’t know if he’ll ever get out of this town. But he doesn’t want to lose hope yet, not this quickly.
“And, I dunno,” Felix shrugs and looks to the night sky, a wistful look in his eyes, “Maybe your voice can carry you to Seoul — to Jisung. You’re like… Beyoncé’s illegitimate child with that voice.”
“I am not Beyoncé’s illegitimate child! Oh my god, Felix,” Seungmin scoffs. He feels his face heat up.
“You totally are! You totally are,” Felix insists. “You’re a god with that voice of yours! Anyone would be a fool to not fall head over heels for it.”
“Is that you admitting you’re in love with me, Felix Lee?” Seungmin raises an eyebrow at his friend.
Felix pushes him, causing both of them to swing away from each other only to bump sides when they swing back into place. “In your dreams, Kim Seungmin.”
A week later, Seungmin gets a call from the hospital while he’s at the arcade. According to the doctor, his mother has taken a turn for the worse. The doctor tells him that she’s in constant pain, and the treatments just aren't doing their job. Seungmin tries so hard not to cry until the doctor hangs up.
When he’s left in silence outside the back of the old arcade building, he sinks to the ground and hides his face in his hands. The tears don’t hit right away, not until he remembered months ago when his mother promised she wasn’t going anywhere. The sobs tear through him so violently it hurts his chest and makes him shake.
Eventually he calms down and does the first thing that comes to mind; He calls Jisung. By some miracle, Jisung actually picks up this time. Seungmin doesn’t say much, and his friend gets worried. When Seungmin sniffles and exhales shakily, Jisung is immediately scrambling to tell him some dumb school stories. Seungmin cries softly as Jisung talks to him about anything and everything. Neither one of them mention spring break. Jisung asks him for his color, and Seungmin weakly tells him, “None”.
After Jisung leaves for his next class, Seungmin leaves early from work to visit his mom at the hospital. She’s asleep when he gets there, so he just sits by her side for a long while. She looks so tired and weak, and it makes his heart hurt.
“You’ve done enough for us, mom,” He whispers to the silence of the room. “Noona and I will be okay. We’ve always got each other.”
Then he goes home. Felix brings him cookies, and they watch movies late into the night. Seungmin tells him to stay the night and lets him sleep in his bed since he knows he won’t be sleeping himself, and he cleans through the night. He cleans until his body aches and his head hurts. At sunrise, he collapses on the couch with Antares staying loyal by his side.
One week later, his mother passes peacefully in her sleep. Seungmin cries in Felix’s arms. He cries until his eyes are swollen, and his heart weighs heavy in his chest. Felix pets his hair through it all. He has too many emotions raging inside of him like a storm. It’s too much to handle, and too much to function. He’s always hated crying; he’s always hated how it makes him seem weak and vulnerable. He hates how it makes his nose run, his face wet, and his eyes swollen. He hates how it makes him feel better to cry. He hates that Felix has to see him like this.
Trying to function like a human being becomes hard, but he forces himself to because he knows there's things to do. He can’t wallow in his grief. His sister comes home, and they plan the funeral together. They decide it's better to spread her ashes in the sea that she loved so much and then hold a wake afterwards. Their mother never wanted to be buried like her husband; she knew they would bury her next to him. Seungmin knows she loved him once, but his dad always loved the stars and his expensive amber liquids more. Seungmin sometimes wishes his sister had poured out those glass bottles and shattered them on the driveway like she had threatened to do so many times because the alcohol always turned his dad into a storm. He thinks that maybe his dad would have loved his wife more if he wasn’t a storm.
His sister drives them a little ways out of town to a small cliffside, and they share their favorite memories of their mother while watching the wind and waves take her far away. The ride home is quiet, and when they’re home, his sister holds him like she used to do when they were young.
For the wake, Seungmin tells Changbin and stares at his phone for what feels like hours after his sister tells him to call Jisung. In the end, he doesn’t. He reasons that Jisung probably has too much on his plate since he couldn’t make it for spring break like he promised, and he doesn't want to worry him by adding more to his plate. So he pushes Jisung to the back of his mind and focuses on the wake and work and anything else except the growing emptiness in his stomach.
Two days later, Changbin and his mother and sister, Felix, and an old friend of Seungmin’s mom stand in the living room. His sister tells stories about their mom and talks about how she was a good person with a good heart who raised her children well. When she looks at Seungmin during her speech, he knows she’s quietly including Jisung as well. He frowns and looks at Changbin’s hand grasping his own. Felix squeezes his arm gently.
After he talks a little bit about his mother, just the things he can remember like how she loved the stars and the sea and pretended to tolerate the cats but secretly loved them as well, he sits on the steps leading up to the front door. The sun is setting when Felix sits next to him and hands him a half full glass of wine, smiling softly and sympathetically.
“Are you okay?” Felix asks, swirling his own wine in the glass.
Seungmin just stares into the clear liquid, at his distorted reflection and the distorted image of his shoes through the glass.
“Mom was always a conundrum. I always thought of her as green or blue. As I got older, she became less green and blue and a little more pink and yellow.” He pauses and glances at Felix, exhaling at the confusion on his friend’s face. Sometimes it's easy to forget that Felix doesn't understand the colors— it's exhausting having to explain himself in a way others can understand. “What I mean is that when I was younger, I don’t think she really understood how to be a mom. Dad made it hard for her, and Seungha noona was the one caring for me for so long. When dad passed, mom seemed to… to wake up, in a sense. I never thought she cared for the stars, but she loved them almost as much as me.”
“I didn’t know your mom for very long, but I can tell she was a good one,” Felix hums and takes a sip of his wine.
“Yeah, she was,” Seungmin stares at the setting sun in the distance. He taps his finger against the glass and thinks about the song about a nightingale. He thinks about Jisung.
As if Felix could read his mind, his friend nudges his arm. “He’s not here. Could he not make it?”
“I didn’t tell him,” Seungmin whispers. “I tried, but the timing was always off. He never even knew she was sick.”
He’s felt so guilty about keeping it from Jisung this whole time, but every time he worked up the courage to tell his best friend, his texts would go unanswered. It got to the point that Seungmin just couldn’t wait for him anymore.
“Harsh, dude,” Felix scoffs, but Seungmin knows he isn’t judging. When Felix looks towards the street, his expression morphing into something like surprise, Seungmin feels that tiny blossom of dread in the pit of his stomach. “You can tell him now, though.”
“What—”
An old car pulls up in the driveway, rumbling and groaning. Seungmin doesn’t recognize it, but he does recognize the face in the driver’s seat. He feels his entire body tense up as Felix quietly gets up and goes back inside. Seungmin can’t move, not even when Jisung steps out of the car dressed in a black suit with a grim expression on his face.
When their eyes meet, Jisung freezes.
For a moment, Seungmin is confused as to why Jisung is here. Then he realizes he probably looks like shit compared to the last time they saw each other. He knows he looks more tired lately, and it's been harder to actually look at himself in the mirror long enough to take care of acne or his hair or anything at all. The most self-hygiene he keeps up with anymore is brushing his teeth and showering.
He probably looks terrible, and Jisung is standing right here. Right where he shouldn’t be because Seungmin never told him about the wake. It’s obvious he knows from the glossy tear tracks on his cheeks and the black suit he wears. Seungmin can’t hide, and the ghost of his childhood is hovering over his shoulder like a threat now that Jisung is home.
“Hey,” Jisung speaks first. Seungmin belatedly realizes he’s approaching.
“Hey,” He croaks.
With Jisung closer now, Seungmin gets a chance to see how he’s changed in the past year. His face has filled out a little more; his cheeks are still as round as ever, and his jawline is sharper than it was. In most ways, he still looks like Jisung; his bright red bangs still hang over his eyes, his lips are still red and bitten, and his eyes are still big and round. But there are subtle changes that show he’s grown and matured a lot in the time they’ve been apart.
But even so, he’s still the sunshine-moonlight boy Seungmin grew up with.
“Is that wine?” Jisung points at the glass in his hand. Seungmin nods and lets the boy take it from him. He wasn’t going to drink it anyways, so he watches as Jisung downs half of it before inhaling sharply. “Hey.”
“What happened to no more drinking?” Seungmin frowns, watching the liquid wobble in the glass as Jisung swirls it.
“Yeah, I’m,” Jisung pauses, eyebrows furrowed as he stares down at Seungmin. Something flashes in his eyes that confuses Seungmin, but he shakes it off. Jisung sighs and rubs his face, taking a deep breath. “Why did I have to hear about this from your sister this morning?”
“I told her not to tell you,” Seungmin murmurs, averting his eyes to the concrete. He fiddles with the ends of his sleeves.
Jisung laughs, but it sounds more like a scoff. “So were you never going to tell me?”
“I would’ve,” Seungmin shrugs. “Eventually,” He scuffs the bottom of his shoe against the withering wood of the porch steps. “Maybe.”
“ Maybe ?” Jisung huffs. He kneels to meet Seungmin’s eyes since Seungmin won’t look up at him anymore. Seungmin looks at the grass through the railings next to him. “Seungmin, I cared about her just as much as you and your sister. She took care of me and protected me, and you were just going to keep this from me?”
“I didn’t think you would’ve cared!” Seungmin hisses. He grips his sleeves tightly, his jaw clenching as he squeezes his eyes shut to block out the image of Jisung jerking back in shock. “You’re always so busy these days. We never talk anymore.”
His voice gives out on the last word when tears burn at his eyes. He inhales to try and calm himself down.
“How was I supposed to know if you don’t even read my texts or answer my calls?” He opens his eyes, finally meeting Jisung’s. His friend looks so hurt, and Seungmin doesn’t blame him. “I didn't want to worry you.”
“Oh, Seungmin,” Jisung chuckles and wipes tears from his eyes. He sits next to Seungmin on the steps and sets the wine glass aside. Seungmin closes his eyes as Jisung presses a hand to his chest, right above his heart. “I would’ve wanted to be here for you and to say my goodbyes.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Seungmin whispers. He exhales shakily. “Thank you for coming.”
Jisung cups his cheeks and pulls him down, kissing the top of his head. The dam holding back Seungmin’s tears finally breaks. He sobs into his friend's dress shirt, and Jisung pets his hair, talking to him in a gentle voice. Seungmin holds onto his every word and lets himself slowly calm down as time passes. Jisung stays ever patient with him, and Seungmin can only think of how much he missed Jisung’s embrace.
Later, when the sky is full of stars and everyone’s gone home after giving hugs and condolences, Jisung drives Seungmin out to their tree. They lay in their suits side by side at the edge of the canopy, and make up silly stories about aliens in the stars. Jisung tells Seungmin he feels like an alien sometimes, and Seungmin calls him his favorite alien. For a moment, everything feels like it used to be. Before they grew up. Before they changed. Seungmin wishes he could live in this moment forever.
“I’m seeing someone,” Jisung tells him after a while. Their backs are pressed to the trunk of the tree, and Seungmin is sprinkling daisy petals in Jisung’s hair. He stops at Jisung’s words though, staring at him in equal parts fear and confusion.
Jisung gasps when he sees the look on Seungmin’s face and flails his hands. “Sorry! I meant a therapist. Not… not dating. Sorry.”
“Oh,” Seungmin stares, dumbfounded. “I— you don’t have to apologize, even if you were dating someone.” He shrugs and looks at the ground. He pulls at individual blades of grass. “But I’m… proud of you. I’m sure that wasn't an easy decision to make.”
Words feel so awkward to him right now. Everything feels awkward to him right now. “I’ve actually been thinking about therapy, too. After everything…”
“It could be good for you. But whatever you decide, I’ll support you regardless,” Jisung nods. He reaches up to brush Seungmin’s bangs back and tilts his head when Seungmin meets his eyes. Jisung smiles. “I’m proud of you, Puppy. When you’re ready, come to Seoul. The bed’s so empty without you.”
“You still want me to?” Seungmin whispers. His voice cracks, but all he can focus on is the blossom of hope in his heart.
“Well, I have been keeping your pillow warm for you,” Jisung pinches his cheek and smiles a little more. “Besides, I need someone to help me write these children’s books I’m working on.”
“M-Me?” Seungmin splutters, jabbing a thumb at himself. He stares at Jisung in disbelief, even when his friend nods in response. “It could be a while still. There’s— there are things I need to take care of here. You sure you’ll still want me?”
“I’ve waited this long for you. What’s a little more?” Jisung presses their foreheads together. Seungmin cups his cheek, feeling the tears gather against his fingers.
Seungmin wants to tell him not to wait. He wants to tell him to move on. The words get stuck in his throat. He can’t let go yet, not when Jisung is so close.
“Okay,” Seungmin nods instead. “When I’m ready, then.”
Jisung holds his pinky up. “Princes forever, right?”
Seungmin links their pinkies together. “Princes forever.”
It feels like years have passed since the last time Seungmin slept next to Jisung, but when they crawl into his childhood bed early in the morning, it still feels so natural. Jisung holds his hand on top of his red duvet and falls into a deep slumber minutes later. Seungmin spends too long admiring Jisung, taking in everything that is the same and everything that has changed about him in the time they spent apart before he finally sleeps himself.
Two mornings later, after seeing Jisung and Changbin off, Seungmin’s sister sits next to him on the porch.
“You sure you’ll be okay here alone, Min? There’s a lot of empty space in this house now,” His sister says. She looks around the yard, disdain reflected in her eyes. The grass has browned more over the last month. Seungmin doesn’t care much anymore.
Seungmin hums, tapping the toe of his socked-foot against the wood of the porch. He looks at his sister, pointing to her short hair. “You cut it.”
“What?” Seungha tilts her head, reaching up to run her fingers through the ends of her hair.
“Your hair,” Seungmin smiles, gesturing to his own head. “You cut it. I like it.”
“I needed a change,” His sister murmurs, averting her eyes to the old concrete path.
Silence falls over them for a moment. Seungmin inhales when a breeze blows past, bringing with it the smell of the ocean. He feels peaceful.
“I’ll be okay, Noona,” He finally promises, reaching over to grasp her hand. “I’m used to being alone.”
She meets his eyes. “Color?”
“Purple,” The answer is instantaneous, and for once, Seungmin doesn't mean it negatively. Throughout his whole life, he’s seen purple as a bad color. The color of the bruises his father would give him, and the bruises Jisung’s father would give him. The color he felt when his dad would yell and when his dad died and when his mom got sick. The color that has constantly been bad through his whole life, for once, for one small moment, is not bad. You can’t have purple without red and blue. Sure purple hurts, but sometimes you need the bad to have the good. Nothing can just be one color, that’s impossible.
No one can be just one thing.
“Isn’t purple a bad color?” His sister looks confused.
“Not quite… It— it feels bad sometimes, but… you can’t have it without red.” He thinks about Jisung’s red hoodie, his red covered books, his red duvet. Jisung calls him summer sky blue, so he thinks purple isn’t too bad if he’s blue surrounded by red.
“Yeah, okay. That makes sense,” His sister nods and pinches his cheek gently. He grumbles and pushes her hand away. “Just stay safe, Seungmin. Promise?”
“I have Pollux and Antares. Don’t worry about me,” He says, holding her hand to trace the old ring on her finger. “I promise I’ll stay safe.”
His sister chuckles and ruffles his hair, pulling him into a hug. He accepts it. “It’s my job as your big sister to worry about you.”
“Ah, yes,” Seungmin hums, hiding his face in her shoulder. “My big, lame, boring sister. Whatever would I do without you?”
“You’re still a little shit.”
“You love me.”
“Yeah,” His sister whispers. She hugs him a little tighter. “I do.”
The sky is blue with no clouds in sight when Seungmin watches his sister drive off. He drives himself to the small sliver of beach where no one goes and lays in the sand, the sun warming his face and the waves lapping at his toes. Water holds memories, and Seungmin likes to visit his own memories hidden in the tide like a time capsule with a lock he lost the key to a long time ago.
For the first time in a while, he feels okay. He feels hopeful.
☀︎︎☀︎︎☀︎︎
Another year passes before Seungmin gets around to making his way to Seoul.
In that time, he goes through his mother’s things; he keeps anything important and donates the rest. The things he kept gets mixed in with everything else around the house until he can’t tell what’s his and what's his mom’s. The little trinkets she had collected over the years makes it seem like she’s still here in all the memories held within them. Late at night, Seungmin feels like a ghost among it all, like he doesn’t quite belong anymore. He never thought he would be a ghost in his own home, but he is. His childhood was here, but he’s not that little kid anymore. The remnants will always linger, but Seungmin can’t be with them for much longer.
He applies for Jisung’s college, starts therapy, and quits his job at the arcade. He works hard to save the money he earns from extra diner shifts and talks to realtors about the house. Felix helps him pack the things he wants to take with him when he finally moves to Seoul. They fix up the property so it’s up to par with the market these days. He manages to fit in therapy appointments and work shifts and calls with Jisung among all of that. It’s hectic, but it’s worth it for the future he wants.
When he’s cleaning out his room, he comes across the box Jisung left for him. He pulls it out from the shelf and stares at the sunset orange wrapping paper, and he decides he’s finally ready to see whatever's in it. So he sits on his bed and carefully peels away the ribbon and wrapping. Pollux and Antares play among the trash as he opens the box.
His breath catches in his throat when he sees Jisung’s red hoodie staring up at him. Tenderly, he pulls it out of the box and holds it up to the light, taking in the sight of all the little stains and paint streaks left behind over the years. It feels like a relic in his hands like his sister’s pink backpack. It feels like something that belongs in a museum of Jisung and Seungmin’s childhood memories.
He hugs it close and picks up the note that was under the hoodie, hands trembling as he opens it.
Hey, Puppy,
I think you’re going to need this more than me now. Wear it with pride. Wear it and think of me.
Find me in Seoul someday. I’ll be keeping your pillow warm for you.
I love you, Seungmin. Thank you for being my summer sky blue.
Stay safe, My Little Prince.
“He’s only a week older.” Seungmin mutters to the empty room. Regardless, he pulls the hoodie over his head and breathes in the smell of home. “And I’m taller than him. If anything, he’s the Little Prince.”
Antares meows at him. He sticks his tongue out at the cat.
When Felix announces that he got scouted for an idol company in Seoul, they make plans to go together. Felix will stay with an old friend at their apartment, and Seungmin will finally move in with Jisung. While Felix is excited to finally be getting out of their small beach town, Seungmin is hesitant. Part of him is happy to finally be moving on with his life, but the other part is scared of the future. Scared of leaving behind so many memories and special places. He doesn’t mention it as he continues packing and working, but it's like an itch in the back of his mind.
It’s when he goes to his tree to just sit among his memories one last time that he realizes times are changing. There he sees two little kids climbing among the branches. At the base of the trunk are two silver kittens, curled up asleep in a small patch of sunlight. Seungmin is reminded of that moment so many years ago, when Jisung placed a flower crown on his head and said that the tree would be a safe haven for anyone who needed it. For so long, it was his safe place; it was Jisung’s safe place. Now, it’s someone else's.
He decides that this is the universe’s way of telling him it’s time to move forward.
Once the “for sale” sign is staked into the yard and the house is cleaned out, everything donated or packed up for a new home in the big city, Seungmin stands in his empty living room. There are paint stains from Jisung on the hardwood that were hidden under rugs and shoe scuffs from when he and Jisung would chase each other around the house after jumping in puddles on rainy days. His eyes trace the cracks in the walls and the ceiling left behind by time, ghosts hiding inside them. So many memories are trapped in these walls, and Seungmin wonders what memories will be left behind when the house belongs to someone new. Whatever they are, he hopes they’re good memories.
“Ready?” Felix asks when Seungmin steps out of the house and locks it behind him. “Our u-haul trucks left about ten minutes ago, and the cats are all settled down in their cages.”
“It's weird that you and I are the ones making this trip together,” Seungmin says as he walks down the steps. He pulls out his phone and checks the few texts from Jisung and the text from his therapist confirming their video call session in two days. He decides to answer them later. “I always thought I’d be going with Jisung.”
“Is it a good weird?” Felix smiles at him from where he leans against the car.
“It’s a new adventure,” Seungmin nods, looking over his shoulder at the house one last time. The museum of his and Jisung’s memories. If he looks long enough, he can still see a young Jisung and a young himself waving at him from the porch.
“Come on then. Let’s get on the road,” Felix pushes off the car and tugs at Seungmin’s earlobe to draw his attention. “Our new adventure awaits.”
“Can’t wait,” Seungmin grins, climbing into the passenger seat as Felix hurries around to the driver’s side.
As they leave the small town and the “Come again soon!” sign is visible in the rearview mirror, Seungmin feels content with himself. He’s healthier than he was a year ago, he’s happier than he’s been his whole life, and a promising future with the one person he cherishes most waits for him. He knows he still has a long way to go, this is just the first step, but it’s not as scary as he once thought it would be. It took a lot out of him to get to this point, but he thinks that it was worth it in the end.
When Felix pulls up to Jisung apartment building, he helps Seungmin carry the cats and his suitcase to Jisung's unit. Seungmin asks if he wants to stay and say hi, but Felix just smiles and sings a quiet goodbye before leaving Seungmin alone with his cats in the hallway.
“I guess not,” He sighs and turns to the door. The little stickers and small paintings littered across the surface makes him smile because it’s just so Jisung.
“Ready to see him again, boys?” Seungmin murmurs to the cats. He gets two little meows in response.
It only takes three knocks before the door is swinging open to reveal Jisung. He is wearing one of Seungmin’s old pink sweaters and a pair of white pajama bottoms with pink hearts sewn on them. Seungmin can’t tell if he didn’t bother to change even though he knew Seungmin was coming or forgot to, but he doesn’t care either way. He still looks perfect.
“Hey, Little Squirrel,” He waves, smiling sheepishly.
Jisung doesn’t respond. He just throws himself at Seungmin, hugging him as if they haven’t held each other in years. Seungmin stumbles backwards as he wraps his arms around his best friend, burying his face in his shoulder.
“Took you long enough,” Jisung sobs, gripping the back of the red hoodie Seungmin is wearing. “Fuck, Seungmin.”
“That's a bad word,” Seungmin mumbles, but he tightens his hold on Jisung.
“Shut up,” Jisung laughs. He leans back, cupping Seungmin’s cheeks. “Look at you! You’re so beautiful.”
Seungmin feels his cheeks grow warm at the praise. In an attempt to get the attention off himself, he nods at Jisung. “Have you looked in the mirror lately?”
Jisung giggles as his cheeks turn pink. He opens his mouth to say something when he looks down. Seungmin is startled by how loud Jisung gasps, tugging at the hood of the hoodie. “You’re wearing it!”
“It got me through the last year,” Seungmin rests his hands on Jisung’s waist, meeting his friend’s teary eyes with a soft smile. “Are you gonna let me in or do we just live in the hall now?”
“Right! Sorry, come on in,” Jisung pulls away and wipes his tears before grabbing one of the cat carriers to bring inside. Seungmin follows, kicking the door behind him, and isn’t even mildly surprised when he sees three separate cat trees in different spots around the apartment already waiting for Pollux and Antares.
“These cats are going to be even more spoiled than they already are,” Seungmin laughs as he follows Jisung to the bedroom to drop off his suitcase. He’s both surprised and unsurprised to see the red pillowcases and red duvet. Little things from their childhood that Jisung took with him decorate the walls of the room makes Seungmin feel like he just walked back into his childhood bedroom. It feels nostalgic.
“Welcome home, Seungmin,” Is what Jisung responds with. “There are two bedrooms in case you want your own bed, but… it’s weird not sleeping beside you, so—”
“Home...” Seungmin blinks at Jisung as he feels the word leave his mouth. He supposes that’s part of why he felt like a ghost in his childhood house; it was because Jisung wasn’t there.
He supposes that home is where Jisung is.
Seungmin grabs his hand, tangling their fingers together. When Jisung smiles, Seungmin does too. “I’m home.”
Jisung doesn’t let go of him, instead lifting Seungmin’s hand to his lips, pressing a tender kiss to his knuckles. He pulls Seungmin closer, and Seungmin melts into his familiar warmth and his familiar smell of cheap cologne, paint, his mother’s laundry detergent, and home .
“It’s perfect,” He whispers, eyelids fluttering shut as Jisung brushes his hair back with gentle fingers.
While Jisung finishes out the school year, Seungmin gets a job at the small bookstore down the street from the apartment. He gets to meet two of Jisung’s friends— the Bang Chan that Jisung and Changbin sing with and someone who Seungmin is convinced is a living angel, otherwise known as Hwang Hyunjin. They’re both bubbly people with colorful personalities. Chan reminds Seungmin of yellow, and Hyunjin reminds Seungmin of red. He also learns that Bang Chan is the same person Felix moved in with, which surprises both him and Jisung.
Through Chan, Seungmin meets a man named ‘Lee Minho’, intimidating and kind and one big mystery that no one can solve— blue— and something else Seungmin can’t quite place. Seungmin doesn’t get along very well with him at first, not until he learns that Changbin actually likes Minho. He decides he can learn to tolerate the man and assumes Minho thinks the same upon finding out he’s one of Changbin’s childhood friends. From there, they actually get along quite well, bonding over simple things like books and stars. Eventually, Seungmin begins to enjoy calling him a friend.
Through his job at the bookstore, Seungmin meets a dimpled boy named ‘Yang Jeongin’. He’s kind, funny, confident, and warms up quickly to strangers. Seungmin likes his company; he keeps things interesting during work. When Jisung meets him, Jeongin spends a whole hour sitting in Seungmin and Jisung’s living room while Jisung paints him. Because, to quote, “He has the perfect face for the project I’ve been agonizing over for weeks.” It’s safe to say they get along well. Or at least Seungmin decides.
All of them come together eventually, interpersonal friendships created through various hangouts. Felix and Hyunjin are trainees together, Minho and Changbin share two classes, Chan and Felix are childhood friends, and Jisung and Seungmin are, well, Jisung and Seungmin. Seungmin has never liked being around a lot of people, but these people are okay. He feels safe with them.
There’s a day when Seungmin comes home from work to see Jisung curled up on the couch, a red throw blanket pulled over his head. Seungmin kneels in front of him on the floor and rests a hand on his shoulder; Jisung trembles under his touch. He doesn't speak; he just sits by the couch and reads a book from the bookstore until Jisung’s little hand is tugging on the hood of the red hoodie. Seungmin crawls onto the couch and hugs Jisung close to his chest and promises that nothing bad can happen to him anymore. Jisung holds onto him like a lifeline.
Even while healing together, they still have bad days when the purple is just too much to keep at bay. Seungmin cleans too much on those days, and Jisung hides away in their red duvet. Coping still isn’t as easy as it could be, but they have each other. Even when Jisung has nightmares or Seungmin thinks too much about his mom and dad, they always have a shoulder to lean on.
Seungmin has been alone for a lot of his life, but Jisung reminds him that he isn’t alone anymore. Seungmin just hopes he’s able to return the sentiment. He hopes Jisung knows he’s not alone too; he hopes Jisung knows Seungmin will do anything in his power to take away his pain.
He supposes the nights when Jisung grips his sleeve a little tighter in his sleep is enough of a confirmation that he does know. That’s enough for Seungmin.
Learning to sleep peacefully in a city that’s always awake proves to be a challenge for Seungmin, and more often than not, he finds himself homesick for the ocean and the town he knows like the back of his hand. He can barely navigate his way to Han river when he wants to sit by water during lunch, and there’s always something new happening in their apartment building. Of course, he knows that with the pros to living in the city with Jisung there are obviously going to be cons that come with it. It's worth it to adapt when he sees how in his element Jisung is. He thinks that, someday in the future, they may find their way back to the ocean, but for now, their home is in a small, two bedroom apartment in the middle of the city. He doesn’t always feel like he belongs among all the noise; he’s always been quiet and reserved, and Jisung has always been anything but.
Seungmin doesn't really belong in most places, but he does belong with Jisung. That’s enough.
On a quiet evening on a weekend during summer, Seungmin realizes something while admiring Jisung as the boy paints on a small canvas. His friend wears a tank top that used to be a t-shirt, the sleeves long since cut out and discarded elsewhere. Seungmin’s eyes follow the subtle lines of muscle built up from years of volleyball and working out with Changbin. There’s a scar on his bicep from something Seungmin can’t remember. It's been so long his golden skin has been bruised. Jisung hasn't touched his red hoodie unless it’s on Seungmin, and he takes any chance he can to show off his arms with pride.
He's grown so much from that small, scraggly, sunshine-moonlight boy Seungmin met all those years ago.
“Jisung?” He calls softly, gently shifting Antares out of his lap to approach his friend.
“What’s up?” Jisung hums, not moving from his position hunched over the canvas even when Seungmin sits cross-legged next to him.
“I love you too,” Seungmin answers without hesitation. He watches Jisung’s paintbrush stop, and he meets his friend’s eyes when Jisung slowly lifts his head, staring at Seungmin in confusion. Seungmin tugs the sleeves of the red hoodie over his hands and stares at the half finished painting of a field of daisies. “When you left… almost three years ago, you told me you loved me... but I’ve never said it back. So, I’m saying it now.”
The thing about loving someone like Jisung is that he’ll always love you back. He makes most things easy; he makes love easy. Seungmin loves him and their cats and their two bedroom apartment in the middle of the city. He loves their friends, and he loves singing in bars with Jisung and Changbin and Bang Chan. He loves the stories Jisung comes up with, and he loves how far they’ve both come.
“Oh, okay,” Jisung’s expression is guarded, as if he’s not sure what direction this conversation is going. He drops the brush in a cup of water and turns towards Seungmin to give him his full attention. Seungmin realizes he’s expecting a little more, so he takes a deep breath and collects his thoughts.
“I— I was scared,” Seungmin admits, twisting the sleeves of the hoodie and furrowing his brows. “Because— because my mom was dying and you were leaving and everything was changing. And I—I couldn’t stop it, and I didn’t know if we’d even see each other again—”
He inhales sharply when the tears hit him like a bag of bricks. Jisung runs his fingers through his hair to calm him down.
“I got scared to say it back because— because what if you chose to stay?” He whispers, finally meeting Jisung’s eyes. “This— the city, changing lives, helping kids like us, that's your dream. Who was I to take that away from you?”
“Oh, Seungmin,” Jisung cups his face, stroking the apple of his cheek tenderly. Seungmin leans into his touch.
“Do you still feel the same?” Seungmin asks him. His fingers circle Jisung’s wrist. “Do you love me like I love you?”
“Kim Seungmin, there is no one else for me except you,” Jisung brushes Seungmin’s bangs back with his free hand, leaning in to press their foreheads together. “We’re complimentary colors, you and I. You’re always my summer sky blue, and I’m always your sunset orange. I’m always going to love you like the sun loves the sky.”
Seungmin doesn't answer. He just grasps onto the front of Jisung’s shirt and kisses him hard, as if he’s been suffocating his entire life, and Jisung is his oxygen. Jisung returns the kiss full force, climbing into his lap to get closer. Seungmin wraps his arms around him, and he hopes he’s doing something right. The way Jisung caresses his face and smiles against his lips reassures him that he is.
Jisung tastes like cherries and spearmint gum. He simultaneously tastes cool and brisk like stars and hot and dangerous like fire. All of Seungmin wants more. He wants to pull Jisung closer, closer, and closer, until they can’t tell where one ends and the other begins.
Eight years have passed since Seungmin first laid eyes on Jisung, and he wouldn't trade those six years of getting to know Jisung like the back of his hand for anything else.
Sunset orange is the color of the sky when he decides that love has never been purple storms and purple painted skin. Rather, love is gentle caresses on his skin that feel sunset orange. Love is naming cats together. Love is an old oak tree overlooking the ocean. Love is making flower crowns and writing poems about princes. Love is the sunset sweater stashed away in the closet from his sister and the pink backpack Jisung carries with him everywhere. Love is a song about a nightingale sang over shared mugs of hot cocoa. Love is a paint-stained red hoodie. Love is sunset orange and summer sky blue and a little purple.
Sunset orange is the color of the sky outside their apartment with their cats and new walls for new memories. Seungmin decides these four walls are the castle fit for a king. A new safe haven where they’ll always have each other. Not overgrown and full of stories, not ancient homes with mysteries to be unearthed, but someplace where they can exist as themselves.
Sunset orange is the color of the sky when Seungmin whispers, “ I love you,” to the sunshine-moonlight boy who feels more and more like a star everyday.
fin.