Work Text:
Time won't change you
Money won't change you
I haven't got the faintest idea
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
There was something odd about not feeling and comfortable at home again. Sirius had spent all his life believing that once he left Grimmauld place and had his own place he would be happy, but there he was in the flat that he had chosen and decorated with a man who betrayed him or would do so soon. After years without nightmares Sirius again couldn’t sleep at night, because when he lay down in bed at his side felt... fear, sadness, disappointment, also disgust and disappointment at himself because he still loved him. He still couldn’t help but smile when Remus went to the window of the room to smoke, and wind turned off his cigarette and he lighted it up again frustrated. Sirius preferred to leave the flat if he had the chance, but after not seeing him for a long time he missed him and that made him feel even worse.
Sirius knew that Remus was in the living room, reading books that he couldn’t understand and what made him feel even more anxious about their presence. He was in the bedroom, their bedroom, pretending to read a book muggle because there was nothing else to do and he felt stupid because he'd rather do something for the Order, but there was nothing. There has nothing but silence, Remus, Sirius and heavy rain that bounced off the closed windows. Before Sirius liked being alone with him and liked it how they always whispered to each other as though they were telling a secret, now Sirius hated that tone and always asked Remus to speak louder because he felt disgust think he was using that tone elsewhere, especially to betray his friends and all that the two of them had built. Lately he felt like he felt when he was left alone with Walburga after being in Gryffindor, the two ignored each other, but when they crossed paths in the hallway a look enough to know all the resentment that they had bottled up. Or maybe it was Sirius with the resentment, he felt that Remus saw him as if it were any ordinary Wednesday and he wanted to vomit because of his hypocrisy.
He heard or sound of movement, he could picture all movements clearly, Remus stands from the couch, walks into the kitchen, opens the refrigerator, the noise made him shiver and he feel like a fool: Remus had opened a beer. Sirius had come to hate the scent of alcohol after smelling it on him the whole time. It was a scent that never left, it was a note in his sweat, in his saliva, in his tears. For a while, when they didn’t know of his betrayal, Sirius had wondered what hurt him so much that he had to drink all day, all the time to forget, he felt pity for him and so Sirius left him be, but now he knew that he drank to forget the burden of his betrayal and he still felt pity, because that means that he was aware of the damage that he was doing and chose to ignore it, chose to get drunk to forget and Sirius chose forget how his kissed tasted like after a few beers.
Suddenly he found it hard to breath, he tried to focus on the book, but it was complicated when he knew Remus also had read this book, he could see all notes made to the margins, he thought it was stupid to leave an eternal mark on the book, why would you do something like that to a book? Why would you do something like that to your boyfriend? to your friends? He shuddered again, normally in that cold weather he would wear on one of Remus’s cardigans to tolerate it, but he couldn't bear the thought of how it would make him feel to be enveloped in his scent.
The night continued slowly, Sirius knew that at any moment Remus would come to bed, by his steps he knew that he had already started drinking Whiskey too, that he was already starting to trip over things and laugh at himself. Before it was nice to see how carefree alcohol made him blush, how it flushed his cheeks and blurred his gaze. Sirius shook his head thinking that he had to stop thinking about the past. He supposed that that was life during the war. Then he remembered the song and he couldn’t help but smile, it was ironic, rotten. He walked to the magic turntable on Remus side of the room and found the album by Talking Heads. Not knowing he was doing or what the consequences could his actions have he made Life During Wartime start playing, the threw the book to the floor and started dancing, recalling briefly how he danced in muggle bars, when he listened to the song for the first time when James had shown it to them. He remembered how Moony (shit) smiled and moved his feet to the rhythm of music, the other day he went to buy Remain in light and they listened to it all day long, they agreed that Once in a lifetime was their new favourite song for about a month.
"This ain't no party, this ain't no disco, / This ain't no fooling around / This ain't no Mudd Club, or CBGB, / I ain't got time for that now." Sirius was singing with his eyes closed, he felt that if he opened them, he would cry.
“Heard about Houston? Heard about Detroit? / Heard about Pittsburgh, PA? / You oughta know not to stand by the window / Somebody see you up there.” he heard his voice singing without rhythm and froze, turning towards the door feeling all emotion run away from him. Remus was leaning against the doorframe with arms crossed and smiling as he always smiled at him: open and bright. He looked happy, he looked drunk, Sirius's heart ached just by seeing him because he wanted to throw himself into hugging him.
Remus walked towards him and began awkwardly dance to the rhythm of the song, rocking on his heels and smiling, laughing because the alcohol made him move awkwardly. Sirius smiled, but it felt like an empty smile. He wished Remus never had betrayed them, he wished he hadn’t fulfilled his worst fear, he wished they had spoken more often, how he wished Remus wasn’t an alcoholic and Sirius weren’t so cowardly to not say something, anything.
" Why stay in college ? Why go to night school ? / Gonna be different this time / Can't write a letter , can't send no postcard , / I ain't got time for that now." Sirius continued to sing, the two were dancing without touching and the two were smiling uncomfortably, probably at another time those would have been flirtatious smiles and they would have laughed, and Sirius would hug Remus and he would have kissed him on the cheek. But that could only have happened before, now it would feel strange.
"Trouble in transit, got through the roadblock, / We blended in with the crowd / We got computers, we're tapping phone lines, / I know that that ain't allowed." Remus was making silly gestures as he sang, but it hurt Sirius to think about the lyrics and how close it was to their situation, Remus probably had them all spied on, he probably had clandestine meetings. Everything was fine. He reached out with his hand outstretched in invitation and Sirius doubt it a little before accepting it, he let himself be spun around. He felt warm spread trough him feeling, everything had disappeared and there was just Moony as always, grinning at Sirius as if he were his favourite book and Sirius was sure that he was smiling back as if he were his favourite song.
"I changed my hairstyle , so many times now , / I don't know what I look like !" shouted Remus hugging Sirius against him abruptly, laughing, he looked at him confused, clutching at his arms to feel stable.
"That bit, those lyrics are literally you." Sirius laughed, it wasn't forced, he laughed because Remus had noticed all his style changes and was finally saying something. He tried to remember all the anger and resentment he felt, but it was useless when Remus was dancing and holding him softly. He felt reckless for always falling into the same cycle.
" You make me shiver , I feel so tender, / We make a pretty good team ." Sirius sang the lyrics looking him straight in the eyes, he wanted to see if he moved something in him, if he was embarrassed, but he smiled full of love, as he hugged and then kissed him on the forehead. He felt like crying again. " My chest is aching, burns like a furnace , / The burning keeps me alive ." And thus ended the song, the album continued playing and Remus and Sirius still dancing out of sync as if nothing was wrong, as if they hadn’t had a horrible fight the night before, as if they had had physical contact in the last month.
"I always forget how much I like dancing with you." Remus said, his mouth moving against Sirius's forehead. He settled into his neck as he used to always and inhaled its scent, he felt the texture of his cardigan and he allowed himself to relax for a moment.
"Mhm?"
"We should dance more often or listen to Talking Heads more." Remus said, he began to caress her hair gently and he thought that he could melt in his arms because he missed him a lot even when he was with him. "You are very serious, not Sirius, serious."
"I don’t have much to say." Sirius shrugged his shoulders, closing his eyes and fitting his chin further into his neck. I hope he doesn’t notice that that I'm falling apart against him, for him, thought Sirius.
"You always have something to say." Remus insisted, in an extremely soft voice that Sirius recognized perfectly, it was the one he used whenever he wanted to keep Sirius calm because he was worried. Sirius's heart skipped a beat, was he worried about him? Or was he worried about what he knew?
"This time I can only say that I am very cold." Sirius was moving his lips against his neck as he knew he liked, wanted to distract him, he also wanted to distract it himself.
"Let's go to sleep then." he murmured, pulling away from Sirius to smile at him, he caressed his hair again and leaded him by the hand to the bed where he had previously sat a few hours ago. Both removed their clothes and slipped under the covers. Moony immediately hugged Sirius from behind, squeezing his waist with his arm, entwining their legs, and sticking his nose in his hair. Sirius knew hereally liked his slightly longer hair. Sirius they could stay just like that forever, if only there was nothing wrong going on outside those four walls and they were alone in the world. He wished Remus hadn’t betrayed him.
" Science won't change you / Looks like I can't change you ." the album had begun to repeat itself because that was how Moony had enchanted it and that phrase flew over both of them with its heavy meaning. Sirius felt his desire to mourn finally explode and tears began to pour down his cheeks leaving a stain on the pillow, he tried to control how his shoulders were shaking because he knew that Remus was still awake.
Neither of them said anything.