Work Text:
The first time we met was during my grandmother’s funeral.
You were wearing a black Sunday dress. Your father was carrying you in his arms until he needed to lower you down because your parents needed to offer their condolences to both father and mother.
I saw you clinging to your father, your small hands tightly gripping his pants. You were just so small, still with innocence in your eyes.
Compared to your father, you were a tiny human being. It looked like you were afraid but at the same time you were smiling with curiosity in your eyes, looking with fascination at your surroundings.
Where you amazed at the sea of strangers? Or was it the decorations in the room? Or the altar at the center where my grandmother lies? Or was it because beautiful flowers and bamboo decorations covered most of the room?
It felt sickening, seeing you. Maybe it was because you seemed so small, looking innocent… as if your smile isn’t still tainted with pain and anguish and loss. I don’t really understand you… even now. I think you thought it was a reunion of some sort, but it wasn’t.
It was a funeral. For my late grandmother.
You were five at that time. I was six, almost seven, yet I’m already more mature than the other kids in my age group… We both are, Ririka and I... We have to be. We need to be.
The funeral ceremony went without any glitch. It felt so orchestrated… Well, it has to be.
Ririka and I have to be infront with both father and mother. Other relatives were also there, along with our cousins and other stranger’s families, like yours...
During the wake, I saw Ririka looking at the sides. Curiosity got the best in me and I followed her gaze.
I found out Ririka was looking at you.
At that time, Ririka wasn’t wearing her mask. It was a funeral, so to pay respect, our dear parents made her remove it.
Now that I’m thinking about it, we were identical twins so that must’ve made you more curious… and maybe you were amused.
You were sitting between your mother and father and you smiled… for me, and for Ririka. It was a sad smile, not even reaching your eyes, but it seemed like you’re offering your condolences to me, to us. Or maybe I’m just looking things more deeply. You’re only five after all.
I quickly faced infront, focusing my attention in listening to the priest’s chanting of sutra. As the ringing of the Tibetan singing bowls continue along with the chanting, Ririka touched my arm.
I didn’t try to look at her, to my sister, my eyes were entirely focused on the family crest of the Bami clan at the top of grandmother’s coffin, as if it’s taunting the whole clan.
I clenched my jaw, trying to hold it together for both of us, but I just couldn’t help it.
I touched my sister’s hand, bringing it down atop my thighs and held it there. I didn’t grasp it or anything. It’s just there, my hand above her hand. But it’s a sign - that I’m also there for Riri.
Then from my peripheral, I saw Riri’s lips curving into a smile, but she looked down, probably to hide her embarrassment.
I know it must’ve been hard for her especially now that our grandmother picked me as the successor for being the clan head, even if I’m the younger one.
But even will all these thoughts, swirling in my head, I was just staring straight at my grandmother’s coffin, trying to understand how all these preparations and ceremony would comfort a dead person… when in fact they’re not even there to see it anymore.
The ceremony continued until it was time when our family needs to burn incense. Ririka said that she hated the sound of the singing bowl made by the Buddhist priest and I told her I didn’t like the scent of the incense.
We never cried during the whole ceremony until the whole funeral lasted. Even when placing the bones and ashes of our late grandmother in the urn during cremation or when it was time for the burial rites by placing the said urn in the family grave, we never cried.
I think nobody really cried in our family that day. Or maybe we were all keeping it inside of us. After all, we still have a family name to live up to.
After the whole funeral, we met again days after when your family visited us at our family home. Father said that your family and I were business partners. Again, you were clinging to your father.
“Let them both stay together,” my father said to your dad, they were talking about us.
You were hesitating to go away from your father but he reassured you that I’m a friend.
‘We are not friends,’ I was thinking back at that time. ‘We only met once, and never even talked. Can you call that being friends already?’
It was really unnecessary but father said to be with you, so I did. Ririka was nowhere to be found at that time.
“Kirari, let Sayaka-chan join you in your studies,” my father said, stooping down low and smiling to you while patting your head. He never did that to me nor Riri.
I nodded my head in understanding. “Come on,” I said to you.
You looked back at your father before running after me since I’d already walked away.
My intention was really to leave you and to check if you can follow me in our house. It didn’t take long when you already caught up with me, following me behind. I can hear your small footsteps, yet I never looked back.
I didn’t know what to feel about you… was I mad at you? For my father’s attention?
In the study room, you were given color pens while I was reading a book. We never talked at all until you broke the silence.
“Where is your sister?” you said, looking up from your color book.
I looked up to you. You were in front of me, a table separating both of us, but I didn’t answer you. It was a good thing you didn’t ask any more questions until Riri came into the room, now wearing a mask.
Riri took the seat beside me.
I can already tell what Riri wanted to ask about you, even with that mask on her face.
Who is she? What is she doing here? Riri seemed to ask to me.
I shrugged my shoulders, an act of not caring about you. But Ririka wanted to know the reason.
“What is she doing here?” Riri asked again, now out loud. The voice modifier in the mask changed her voice into something more robotic with a more harsh and negative tone.
And then, I heard you sob.
We immediately turned our heads to you. It was a soft cry and we, Riri and I, both didn’t know what to do. We just looked at you trying to gulp down your own tears, like you were keeping it in.
It was confusing… you, suddenly crying. But apparently, we picked up that you were scared of Riri’s modulated voice. It wasn’t really something to be scared of but the unintentional impatient tone that Ririka’s voice (as well as the robotic sound) she conveyed probably scared you out of your wits.
That made me chuckled, a hand infront of my lips. It was amusing for me; you being scared at such a simple thing.
Ririka removed her mask, panicking from seeing you cry. “Please, don’t cry anymore. I’m removing this now.” Riri walked closer to you.
“But you’re pretty,” you said to Ririka following some sniffles.
That was your reason…? Oh, it was such a simple reason.
“Your mask is too scary to cover it up,” you further said.
But that irked me up.
After all, Riri and I have the same face.
“We have the same face,” I said out loud, interrupting their conversation. Because it was the truth. We’re identical twins. If she says that Ririka is pretty then it’s also the case for me.
Now that I’m thinking about it. It was so petty of me.
“Of course, you’re pretty.” You looked at me. “You’re both pretty, especially in Kimonos.” Ririka by now sat beside you, infront of my seat.
I appreciated what you said. But I still didn’t like you so I continued reading my book infront of me.
You talked more with Riri that time. And I don’t know why. Are you and Ririka close already?
The opened book I’m reading is now far from my mind
During your conversations, you talk about books you’ve read. Normally, a five-year-old doesn’t have the patience to do that much less to even read books.
And here I thought you’re dumb.
Ririka listened to you closely. I’m sure Riri had more important stuff to do in the study room, like to read and write or something more worthwhile but she was completely enthralled to you.
Honestly, we both were.
The conversation then shifted to where we all meet each other... My grandmother's funeral.
Apparently, it was already your second time in a funeral. Your grandma was your first time.
Although the context of dying wasn’t still fully conscious in your innocent mind, you know that dying is a thing where we couldn’t see dead people anymore.
“Papa says that people that died just goes to some place much better," you said.
I don't want to crumble down your thoughts and say to you that deceased people just decomposed under 6 feet of dirt or burned down to ashes. Clearly, nothing like that happens nor is it proven yet. It is just an idea to comfort the ones left behind.
“So, Baba-chan and your grandmom are in good places," you continued telling us.
"That's a... good thought," Ririka softly replied.
I looked at her. Seriously, Riri? I don't know if she seriously believes in Sayaka or not. But she should know better than that.
You and Ririka continued talking. Ririka even taught you the word “heaven”, which is technically what you were talking about, the “better” place.
“Why weren’t any of you crying?” you asked us that time out of the blue, with your wide big eyes glinting in curiosity. You were talking about our grandmother’s funeral.
I frowned. I didn’t answer. And Ririka didn’t answer too. For me, I was trying not cry so Ririka wouldn’t cry too. I guess, Riri was thinking the same thoughts like me. But nobody answered you.
And you didn’t spoke much about it anymore.
We didn’t talk like again until your dad passed away, years later after Grandmother.
You were probably now in grade school, and I also noticed that you're much taller than before. And I guess, you can understand and fully comprehend more things now what with your growing age.
But, you were still such a crybaby. You were crying so much during the ceremony. I felt bad, really, really bad. And I know, Ririka felt bad too. I don’t know how to make you happy… Because I really wanted to at least see you smile.
And then I dropped the thought, because that is just a pain to do.
In anyway, our family came to the funeral and made offerings and greeted your family. We talked but only a little. Your whole face is so red from crying.
I wanted to give you a handkerchief but Ririka beat me to it. And then you flashed a smile to her.
“Hello.”
“Hello.” We said both in unison.
We didn’t even have a proper conversation when the funeral rites started and we took a seat behind your family.
The whole ceremony was a bit different than us – a bit “modernly” would be the best description to it. But I wasn’t really too keen to listen attentively to the whole ceremony.
My whole thoughts were circling around you throughout it.
How is she feeling? Probably, sad. Well, obviously.
Does she have the courage to pick the bones up after cremation?
In the end, I learned that your family would not be doing the same kind of funeral as us, with the picking-up-the-bones traditional way.
I was actually happy. That was the hardest thing to do, plus, the smell of ashes wasn’t something you’ll quite forget. It was a good thing that her father was already cremated and the burial rites were the only thing left to be done.
Our family is rather in the traditional side, but the Igarashi are just doing the modern way of cremation.
A couple of days later after the burial of your dad, we went to your house. It was something of a mourning ceremony to honor your dad.
You look more composed now than in the funeral, of course.
I wanted to check on you, but maybe bringing up the topic on your dad would make you feel sadder.
It was obvious you were closer to your dad. Such a daddy’s girl.
You eventually saw us and you had to leave the side of your aunt, which I remembered from your father’s funeral.
“Hello,” you greeted us.
“Hello,” I greeted back but Ririka only bowed her head.
“You’re still in a mask?” You said, looking surprised.
Ririka half lifted her mask. I guess, she remembered that you didn’t like the voice it produces. “I need this.”
You chuckled, a hand up to your lips. “Ah, I remembered that time when I was in your house.”
That amused me. She was clearly so young that time, younger I mean, but she can still remember it?
“By the way, did you know I’m going to transfer to your school?”
That completely caught me off guard.
“Oh, really? But isn’t our school quite a bit far from here?” I asked.
Now you look sad. I feel like I said something wrong. “Hnngh. We’re gonna move houses mom said. That’s why I need to transfer schools too.”
“Oh, that’s… that’s probably hard for you.”
I know how hard adjustments could be.
You smiled although it didn’t reach your eyes. “Yeah, I’m gonna miss our home and everything. Plus, I love this neighborhood. But mom says it’s a good start.”
I nodded in understanding.
“Once I’m there, we can probably see each other more often,” you said looking at me, smiling a goofy smile.
But we didn’t even meet that much.
I don’t know how or why. I guess, it was also my wrong doing since I clearly never even bothered to find you. Even if I wanted to.
Occasionally we met each other in school. But it was more like just a passing glance we had on each other, with the occasional smiles and a normal senpai-kouhai greetings.
We never really talked much. Even when you completed your grade school and already enrolled high school in the same school, we never interacted much.
Is this some unspoken rule we had? That we only know each other outside of school?
Although, I can always see you on the top of the list in your class and batch, I clearly cheered for you, every time.
When the school year ends, you were there along with me and Ririka to be awarded. We would all smile to each other and both our parents would greet each other.
But that was it. That was only it. I hope I can see you more, and talk with you more.
The next time we met and had a talk again was when my mother died.
I found her body hanging. Suicide.
It was normally Ririka who would check her up, but that time, I felt that I needed to go to her room. I’m really glad I followed my instinct because if it was Ririka who would see what happened, it would break her fully on the spot.
It was terribly awful and I know it was harder for Ririka.
She and mom are closer.
I saw you again near the door, looking at us while your mom hugged my father offering her condolences.
I looked at you but I didn’t stand up from my seat.
It was early in the morning yet you and your mom are already here. Your mom had already visited on the first day of the wake but this is the first time you visited along with her, probably since this is the last day and the funeral burial.
“The Igarashis are here,” our father told us, first looking at Ririka and then me. “You can talk to Sayaka-chan, it’s okay.”
Our father looked tired these days. Well, everyone is. I just realized this is what a funeral can bring.
But to our family, it was a spoken rule to be strong – even if you’re not. You just have to grit your teeth and endure it until you’d get used to the pain.
I looked infront of the room, where the coffin was sitting neatly, surrounded by flower and bamboo decorations.
The whole setting seems painfully familiar to me. It was almost the same as my grandmother’s.
Even the Bami clan crest was resting above the coffin of my mother even if she wasn’t technically a Bami and only adopted it by marrying Father.
I could feel Ririka looking at you and true to it, I followed her gaze which led me to you.
You were looking at us. You were three rows behind where we sat - which is the front row.
You smiled, a sad smile and then bowed your head. You were offering your condolence. I remembered you back when you were so small. You had the same look on your face. But you’re wiser, smarter and taller… and prettier now.
I didn’t even realize Riri was already on your side and so I stood up walked towards you, taking the left side of your seat since Riri was already on your right.
Silence surrounded us and I didn’t dare break it. It was still in the early morning and I just want to drown peacefully in the cold refreshing air that briefly brushed my skin while soaking the warm sunlight coming from the open windows.
“I’m sorry for what happened,” you said.
I don’t know what to reply. I’ve heard many people telling us they’re sorry for what happened. She doesn’t also need to say sorry at all, it’s not like it was her fault our mother died.
“It must’ve been hard for both of you,” I saw her looking at Ririka.
“How are you holding up?” it was a question addressed for both of us. But I think you saw the pain in my face when you looked in my way. But I was just really thinking… deep… on what would happen to the family now that mother died. It was usually her who would contradict to what our father would say on our lives, especially to our future prospects, with the family business and all.
“It’s okay to cry,” you said, looking at me. With the way you said it, it was like you were teasing me. Normally, if we were in school, I would tease you back since I’m that kind of person, but I just don’t have the energy to go with it now. Were you also the teasing-kind-of-person, or were you putting up a front for us?
I shook my head, and looked hard again in the direction of the coffin. Your mom was currently infront, putting an incense.
That’s not what they all said. “Crying is a sign weakness,” I just replied lamely.
“No, it’s not. It’s a sign of love and dedication.”
Ririka sobbed suddenly then and both us turned our heads to her.
I was wide-eyed and then a sudden flush of anger seared in the back of my eyes. It was because of you. I hate it when Ririka cries, especially to the ones who made her cry. I’m rather overprotective to Ririka. Especially, now that our mother died.
But my anger subsided easily just how fast it came.
I stood up from my seat but you beat me to Ririka.
“It’s okay,” your hands touching Riri’s. “Everything will be okay.”
We were now in the cemetery. It was already the afternoon.
The cremation was done earlier and the ashes and bones had already been placed in an urn and put in the family grave.
Most of the Bami families already left but some closer families like yours stayed.
We were standing a bit away from the people. Ririka still wanted to be closer to the grave and father was touching her shoulders… an act of comfort, maybe. Or was it also so he could be comforted. I don’t know.
I looked at you and saw you were looking at the distance. I don’t know what you were thinking but I wanted to know. But it’s not like I’ll know it.
I looked down and caught a glimpse from my peripheral your hand. I stared at it, maybe a bit long. I remembered how Ririka cried earlier that day. You touching your hands with hers.
I looked away from staring at your hands and looked up back to where the family grave site is. And then, I felt a sudden breeze of air and I just realized how the day was just colder than usual.
I saw you shivering and then grabbed your hand. It was such an impulsive thing of me to do. I didn’t know what came to me that day.
You looked surprised and honestly, I was surprised too.
“You looked cold,” I said stupidly… as an excuse.
You laughed but you grabbed my hand tightly in response. I could feel how warm your hand was but I realized from that that my hand was colder, so I stashed both of our hands deep inside my trench coat.
You looked down, embarrassed but you looked again to me. You looked like you were about to say something but you stopped for a second and just gulped down some air.
What was that? Breathless?
“You know,” you started “I was thinking of something.”
I continued staring at to you. “About what?” I asked you.
You smiled, just a small smile.
“Why is it that we always meet whenever our loved ones die?” You asked that time, I know you didn’t want to sound it that way but that made me smile.
“Then, we should meet more.” I said back to you. And I mean it. I really mean it. With all my heart.
You smiled. I like it. I really like seeing you smile.
And I laughed. It felt wrong, laughing in a funeral. But you were always making me laugh. You always make me feel so differently.
After that, we actually meet more frequently in school. It wasn’t that fast; we just gradually became closer until a lot of people already noticed it.
You were always embarrassed to say that we’re friends to anyone.
What’s there to even be embarrassed? I always think that in the back of my mind. But I love to see your face flushing red, blushing too much when teased.
I was really about to suggest in meeting outside school too. But, how could I?
When it’s such a pity that I’m the one seeing you here now.
Tears are dripping down my face and I don’t even bother wiping it.
You seeing in a white dress, lying down in a coffin, is such a slap to my face.
Why do we always see each other in funerals?
I remember what you said. That’s what you said. So why are we meeting in another funeral, with you now lying dead?
I didn’t even cry in my mother’s funeral. So why am I crying now?
Such a good question I want to answer…
I lightly touched the glass of your coffin. Thinking if your suffocated lying there.
You look in so much peace, like you’re sleeping and just going to wake up the next morning.
Where are you? Are you in some better place now? Because I really hope so.
I never believed in things but you made me look up to more things in life. I’ll miss you so much, Sayaka. Wait for me in that heaven of yours. You will always be in my heart, forever.