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Dazai took a deep breath as he stood next to the ledge. The city was laying before him, lightened by the huge neon signs and labels. The sky was clean and the night was filled with stars. A couple of birds were flying around the skyscraper and would croak randomly, like they were mourning. Even though he could see many cars driving, he was so high that he couldn't hear any sounds. It was a peaceful night. It was an ideal night to die.
To die...
It felt strange. After so many attempts, he was really doing it. He never actually wanted to die, he never expected to actually commit a successful suicide attempt. He couldn't find the point in living, so he tried to find meaning in dying. But now, he had to die. He had to jump off of the ledge he was standing on. Otherwise, Fyodor's revenge plan would be executed and everyone in Yokohama would die.
That bastard... Fyodor had managed to outsmart him and corner him. The Armed Detective Agency had won the war and all members of the Decay of Angels were arrested and were rotting in some high security prison. Everyone, except Fyodor Dostoevsky, who was dead. Yet, he got his revenge from the afterlife, as he had one last trick up his sleeve. One last sentence in The Book was written before he was killed during fighting.
Shall Fyodor Dostoevsky die and his ability shall destroy everyone in the city, unless Osamu Dazai's death nullifies his ability.
Whatever is written in The Book becomes reality and their lives were at stake. Both the Armed Detective Agency and Port Mafia were trying to figure out how they could prevent the damage from happening, but it was impossible. Dazai knew it. And that's why he had to die.
After all, he was a good person and that's what good people do, right? They sacrifice themselves for the sake of others, they give up on their own dreams so the innocent can chase theirs. So, he had to stop being selfish, shallow his stupid pride and accept his defeat. He knew the risk of being with the good guys when he left the mafia.
But, was he really a good guy? Atsushi, Kunikida and the others wouldn't give a second thought to diving into the void. Why was he? Maybe, Oda was wrong about him and he was too deep in the darkness to be saved. Maybe, being a mafia executive was what he was supposed to be since he was born. A trickster, a manipulator, an abuser and a murder. The lowest of the lowest.
He looked at the city once again. Beautiful, he thought, unlike me. All the things he did, all the things he didn't do, all the things he regretted, were spinning into his head. Haunted by his memories was the perfect description for the state he was in. A state between panic and insanity. And he was about to cross the line that kept these very two things apart. The people he had killed, hurt and betrayed and the people he cared about were flashing before his eyes, like some kind of ghost of this past.
Cared about? Could a monster like him care about someone?
Atsushi and Akutagawa... He abused them and he left them. What a nice mentor he was... He deserved Fyodor's punishment. He deserved dying for all the awful things he had done. He deserved it for failing to fulfill his best friend's last wish. Dazai was supposed to become a good man, to help the weak and to save the orphans and he had tried. It would be a lie to say he hadn't. He tried so hard, but his past was always holding him back.
His time as Mori's executive passed through his mind. He was with Chuuya back then. His partner and other half. Dazai was the only one that could tame Chuuya's destructive power. It felt like their abilities were made to complete each other and this is how they became Port Mafia's strongest team, Double Black. They were meant to meet and team up, even though they would always get on each other's neck. They always protected each other, no matter the circumstances. Chuuya literally trusted him with his life, even though he had turned Chuuya's friends against him and then forced him to join the mafia. And after all that, Dazai abandoned him. He left him with no explanations and on the top of that, he blew up his car. He was a shitty partner.
Dazai got closer to the edge of the ledge and looked down. It was high enough. There was no way possible to survive this fall. One more step and it would be over. He could do it. He could finally become a dignified hero. Even though it was an act just so he could feel better for himself, the city would be saved. One more step and his life would be over. The others would see it as his redemption, so what if it was just a facade. Either way, he never minded about which side he was on, since it was the same.
And for some reason, he minded it right now.
He was feeling sick for the first time in forever, thinking about so many things at once. He had lost his last bits of self awareness. He was unable to comprehend who the fuck he was anymore and that drove him insane. All these masks he had been wearing for the past years to cover his true horrible face had started to break, revealing his true identity. Yet, since he hadn't been himself in a long time, even before Mori found him, he had forgotten which of his faces was actually the real one. Dazai Osamu didn't know who he was.
He cracked under all his pressure. He started laughing uncontrollably, under the bright moon. It was terrifying scenery. Dazai, who had always been calm and collected, had lost his sanity. Fyodor had won. Fyodor had broken his mind.
"What the fuck do you think you are doing?", he heard a voice behind him.
Dazai froze to the sound of the familiar voice. He slowly turned around and was surprised by the short red-head who was standing in front of him.
"Chuuya..." he murmured. "Why are you here?"
"Why am I here?" Chuuya said. The question is why are you, Dazai, standing on that fucking ledge. "
"I'm pretty sure you know," he replied.
"Mori said-"
"You know that is just bullshit." Dazai interrupted him. "There is no other way to save the city."
"You don't have to die", Chuuya said.
"Why?" Dazai asked ironically. "Do you have any good reasons on why I shouldn't take one more step backwards?"
"I-" Chuuya said and hesitated a bit- "I don't want you to die."
Dazai didn't say anything. He looked at the city and then he looked at Chuuya again. His hair was a mess and he could see the fear in his blue eyes. "Worried" was written all over his face and his hand was shaking a bit. It could be the first time in forever that he saw Chuuya actually scared.
Why was he anyways? Finally, Dazai, the person he hated the most and wanted to kill for the past four years would die. It should've been a celebration for the redhead. Still, he was on that roof trying to stop him. Dazai could remember every single time he made fun of him and embarrassed him. He always managed to find a way to mess up with him or mock his hat. But, Chuuya was there for him whenever he needed him. He treated him countless times whenever he was wounded - wounded on the battlefield or by a failed attempt - and kept him company whenever he was feeling alone. And what Dazai did for him? Nothing.
"Why, Chuuya?" Dazai said after a while. "One less scumbag in the world."
"Are you listening to what you are saying?" Chuuya said. "For God's sake, get of the fucking ledge."
"Tell me..." Dazai said once, looking completely lost.
"Because I can't lose you again," Chuuya said in despair. "Because the night you left the mafia I was completely devastated and I resented you for doing so and I still do, but still I couldn't bring myself to stop caring for you."
Chuuya looked at him completely breathless. He didn't know what he was actually saying, but it felt right at that specific moment. All the things he wanted to tell him the past years were slipping through his mouth. If Dazai actually jumped, - and that thought terrified him since if he fell, there would be no way possible to be saved - Chuuya wanted him to know how he truly felt about him. Under all this anger, he cared about him.
"If you had asked me, I would have followed you." Chuuya added.
"What?" Dazai asked, but he knew what Chuuya was talking about.
"If that night, you had asked me to leave Port Mafia with you, I would have." Chuuya said. "I would follow anywhere, because you made me believe that I was more than a vessel for Arahabaki, that I was someone with feelings and thoughts. I trusted you with my life and I still fucking do because I know that every time I give in the darkness, you are there to bring me back."
Dazai was looking at him blankly. He couldn't understand what Chuuya was talking about. He couldn't see himself the way Chuuya saw him. And that drove Chuuya insane.
"You made me believe in my humanity again." Chuuya said desperately. "And now you are rejecting yours."
"Maybe-" Dazai said and took a deep breath- "I don't deserve to be a human."
"How the fuck can you say something like that." Chuuya said angrily. "How could you not deserve to be a human. You were taken advantage of and got stuck in an endless loop of violence, which does not excuse your actions. But you have changed. You are not the man that Mori made."
"Then who am I, Chuuya?" Dazai snapped. "The Port Mafia executive? The detective? The young prodigy or the suicidal freak?"
Chuuya was taken aback by Dazai's sudden eruption. Still, he managed to keep his cool and try to help him.
"You are Dazai Osamu, the guy who beat me at video games and spent countless nights staring at the ceiling thinking about a God-knows-what. You are the guy that would feed Port Mafia's cats whenever no one was looking at you and who tried to join the good side. You helped me, Atsushi, Kyouka and that fucker Kunikida."
Dazai was thinking. Everything that Chuuya said to him was playing on his head like a tape. Had he actually done all these things and had he actually... helped people? He looked at the city again.
"Am I-" he tried to ask but his voice cracked- "Am I a good person?"
Chuuya took a deep breath. His mouth was dry and his heart was beating fast.
"Why does it matter?" he replied. "You can be selfish and arrogant and have self-destructive tendencies, but you care and this is more important. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that you don't, you fucking have feelings. You've tried so hard to run and hide from them, but they are right there."
"How could you know?" Dazai asked him, still looking at the city.
"Because if you didn't, you wouldn't have tried to fulfill Oda's last wish and you wouldn't have helped the weretiger and above all-" he stopped and tried to keep himself calm- "dying here wouldn't have crossed your mind."
And then Dazai realized it. That's why he had come up there. He cared. He cared for his friends, he cared for his subordinates and he cared for Chuuya. He didn't have to prove anything to anyone or to himself. Simply, something in him was telling him that he could sleep better at night if he knew that everyone was safe. That's why he was rough on Akutagawa, so he could learn to become stronger and be able to protect himself. He also mentored Atsushi and tried to get the best out of him and blew up Chuuya's car, so he wouldn't follow him and be considered a traitor. Noble goals, but horrible means to achieve them.
This time it wasn't any different. He wanted them to be safe. Not only the people in the Armed Detective Agency and in Port Mafia, but everyone in the beautiful city he lived in. It was something way bigger and more important than him and he made peace with it.
He finally made peace with himself. After all these years of self-doubt and regret, he was able to accept his human side. Because Chuuya was there to lead him out of the darkness in which he had been dragged in. Whenever he was with Chuuya, he could feel like a little kid. Have some fun and be free from all the responsibilities that were burdening him. Playing video games and joking and arguing and laughing - all the things that he didn't do as a child, he did them with Chuuya. When they were fifteen, Chuuya had given him a reason to live and now he had given him a reason to die. A reason to die happily.
He turned around to look at his ex-partner. Tears were running down his cheeks, but he was smiling. It was the first time he cried after Odasaku's death and the first time ever Chuuya showed him so vulnerable. The wind was blowing his brown hair and his coat. He was scarily calm, considering what would happen next. Chuuya froze when he realized what was about to happen. He tried to run to him but his legs didn't obey him. He stood there, unable to do anything to make him get down safely of that fucking building. His heart dropped down to his stomach and his soul slowly left his body.
"Dazai, please..." he said in despair. "I'm begging you don't do this."
His voice was barely heard. He knew there was no way to change Dazai's mind and soon it would be over. In a couple moments he would lose the person he loved the most in the world and he could do absolutely nothing about it. A couple tears started streaming down his face and he was shaking, contradicting Dazai who was looking at him with a calm expression all over his face.
"Thank you, Chuuya." Dazai said. "For everything."
Dazai opened his hands and leaned behind. The ground under his feet disappeared and he was falling into the void. He felt like a burden was taken away from him and he was more free than he had ever been. He didn't need to think or act, like he always did. He could rest.
"Dazai!" Chuuya's scream was heard.
Chuuya gained back the control of his body and he used his ability to reach his friend. He jumped off of the roof and manipulated his gravity so he could get faster to him. Everything around them was moving in slow motion. All that mattered was getting to him. He had told him. He would follow him anywhere.
He could see him falling right in front him. He used his ability one more time and managed to hold his hand. As it was expected, Chuuya's red glow disappeared. Dazai's power had nullified it and now they were falling together. Chuuya could feel real gravity pulling him down, but not so fast as when he was falling on his own.
Dazai looked at him, straight into his eyes. "No longer human..." he said quietly.
Chuuya was looking at him sadly. Sadly because if he had more time and if he wasn't so selfish things could be different. If only he had forgiven him earlier and wasn't so prideful... He could be in his apartment with Dazai, playing video games like little kids and living a carefree life. But he wasn't. He was slowly losing more and more height and getting closer and closer to an end. Their end.
"You still have time." Dazai explained. "You can save yourself if you let go of me - it's your choice."
"When you are saying that..." Chuuya said in a bittersweet tone. "I don't have a choice."
Dazai pulled him closer to him and put his hands around him. He was hugging him tightly. Chuuya responded to this gesture and hugged Dazai back. He rested his head on Dazai's shoulder and pressed his chest on his. He could feel the other man's heart beating and it was drumming like crazy. So was his.
Yet, he didn't regret jumping after him. He was listening to his heart and his heart belonged to Dazai. No, actually, he was happy with his decision. Either way, a part of him existed within Dazai and it wouldn't be the same living without it. And Dazai being there, made it a lot easier for him to accept it. He wasn't scared or upset. He was at peace.
"I love you." Dazai said out of sudden as he hugged him even tighter.
"I love you too." Chuuya said moments before they hit the ground.
Maybe their end wasn't so bad.