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The first time he said it, it was around 3:30am after approximately three and a half beers. Renjun was generally pretty good at handling himself when he drank, tending to be a more relaxed drunk than a chaotic one. Tonight, though, Jaemin and Jeno seemed to have all the energy Renjun was lacking and it was starting to feel like Renjun wasn’t even there. The two of them (also fairly intoxicated) were yelping and laughing with each other on the floor in front of the couch Renjun was sitting on. There was a movie playing on the television in front of them all but all three had long abandoned it, Jaemin and Jeno in favour of playing around with each other and Renjun in favour of bunching his legs up in front of him and peering a bit sadly at his two boyfriends through the gap in his arms.
Though Renjun was cognizant enough to know he didn’t want to ask the question out loud, he wasn’t quite sober enough to actually stop himself.
“Do you still like me?”
His own words felt like a punch to his gut. Why would he say that? Jeno and Jaemin were trying to have fun, they were finally all off on the same night and they had been waiting for weeks for the right timing to have a drunk movie night. But of course, Renjun was going to ruin it by asking stupid questions and dampering the mood. Jeno turned around first. His brows furrowed and his eyes seemed to take a minute to find Renjun’s. Right, they were all drunk.
“What?”
It wasn’t a particularly comforting “what”, and Renjun’s stomach dropped, wondering if he had made Jeno upset.
“Oh no, nothing. Got lost in my head there for a minute. You know how that happens when I drink,” for a second, Renjun thought he might have saved himself from the embarrassment. Jaemin, however, is too perceptive. He also has good ears.
“What were you thinking about, pretty?” he asked, speaking a bit too slow and a bit too fast at the same time. You know, drunk Jaemin speak. Nonetheless, the two hands Jaemin placed on Renjun’s leg to look up at him were comforting. Jeno stood up and wobbled to the kitchen.
“Remember that movie we watched a while ago? With all the cute robots?” Renjun forced a smile that he was pretty sure looked genuine. He was pretty good at quick little lies.
“Mmhm, but then why were you asking if we still liked you?”
Renjun choked on his words for a second, and Jeno spun back around from where he was standing at the kitchen counter.
“What?” he said, sounding much more genuinely confused than he had the first time. Renjun let out a breath, these were his boyfriends after all, he was with them for a reason and he didn’t necessarily mind sharing his concerns with them - no matter how dumb he thought they were, they insisted that they weren’t stupid, Renjun just tends to think a little too much about things - but he didn’t want to ruin their fun night, plus they weren’t in much of a state to be doing any comforting. Jeno had barely made it back to the couch, tripping over his last few steps.
“I don’t know, just … thought about it too much I guess. You guys were having fun and I was just, y’know, sitting here being … moody or whatever and I felt bad for ruining the atmosphere. You guys are trying to have fun and I’m ruining it.”
There was a brief second where neither Jeno or Jaemin said anything. Jeno had moved up to sit beside Renjun and Jaemin was still peering up at Renjun, his head rested on Renjun’s now-folded legs. The silence made Renjun want to take back everything he had said and then sink into the floor and rot. In reality, his boyfriends’ brains were just struggling to compute. They had arranged tonight around Renjun’s (shitty) work schedule and uni classes, they had gone out this afternoon before Renjun got home and made sure to pick up some of his favourite snacks. How could he even consider that they didn’t want him there?
Renjun cleared his throat, ready to just announce that he was going to bed. He would let the other two have fun for the rest of the night and then apologize in the morning and blame it on the alcohol. That sounded like a solid plan.
“Renjunnie …” Jeno’s voice was soft coming from Renjun’s right side. He looked over at his boyfriend, fluffy hair hanging in his face and making him look even sadder. It was like a dog’s ears drooping. Jeno could be very articulate when he wanted to be, just not when he was drunk and sleepy. So he seemed to opt for;
“I love you Renjunnie … I even bought you a blanket so you would fall asleep on the couch instead of leaving to go to bed. Wanted you out here with us …” he pointed across the apartment to the last unopened plastic bag in the kitchen. Jeno’s head fell on to Renjun’s shoulder, face down like he was trying to smell him. Renjun’s soft little heart broke a bit.
“Oh.” He smacked himself mentally. “Oh?” Seriously?
Jaemin smiled at them both, nodding. “It was his idea, yeah.”
Then, seemingly remembering the matter at hand, Jaemin sighed dramatically and shook his head.
“Injunnie, Injunnie, Injunnie.” Renjun couldn’t help but smile at the nickname as he brought his hand up to scratch at Jeno’s scalp. Jaemin grabbed Renjun’s other arm clumsily with both hands. He gripped it tight and held it up in front of his face like he was trying to make a point with it.
“You, Injunnie Injun, you are lovely. And we want you here. We trapped you here on purpose because we want you to watch movies with us. You are the very important third person here if you weren't here there wouldn’t be three of us and there is always supposed to be three of us. That’s how it works. Otherwise we’d all probably die or something. The universe wouldn’t like it. You know?” Jaemin was always good at getting his point across, no matter how unconventionally. Renjun nodded.
“Yeah, yeah I know.” And it wasn’t a lie, he did understand what Jaemin was saying. They were a three person set for a reason. And they always would be. But something deep in him had to ask, with his boyfriends this close to him and feeling this vulnerable,
“So … you still love me, right? Do you?”
Jeno grabbed two handfuls of Renjun’s giant sweater and fell down on his back, yanking Renjun on top of him. It wasn’t the most comfortable position, per se, as his arms were jammed against his sides and he was floundering around a bit like a fish, but the warm feeling of Jeno’s face burying itself under Renjun’s jaw made up for it. Two soft kisses were placed by his ear, followed by a whispered, “A lot. A lot a lot a lot.”
Jaemin’s attack was next. He climbed up onto the couch, standing over Renjun with a soft smile on his face that didn’t really match his position. When he collapsed on top of the other two, Renjun’s breath was knocked out of his chest, but it didn’t make him cough and choke. Instead, he was overcome with an almost euphoric urge to laugh. So he did, maybe a bit too loudly considering what time it was.
There was a while of them just laying like that, in a messy dog pile that was probably beginning to hurt poor Jeno. But they embraced the messiness of it, finally returning their attention to the movie. The intoxication slowly wore off until the dreamy 5am sun started to rise, peeking in the living room window.
“Renjun …” Jaemin mumbled against his hair.
“Hm?”
“We love you a lot.”
“Yeah. Yeah I know.”
“Good. Did we do something that made you think we didn’t? Or were you just checking?”
Renjun thought about it for a second. “Just checking I guess, sorry.”
Jaemin shook his head, “It’s okay baby, check any time you want, okay?” Jeno hummed in gentle agreement below them.
“Okay. I love you guys.”
“Love you too.”
“Love you too, baby.”
__________________________________________________________
That was the first time. The first time was easily fixed with some cuddles and kisses. That was also a year and a half ago. Things were a little bit different this time around. The fight wasn’t huge, but it was enough for the three of them to be separated, and all Renjun could imagine was his two boyfriends seething with anger towards him, locked up to think about all the reasons they may as well break up with him. Renjun’s oasis had been the den in the hallway between their living room and their bedroom. Jeno and Jaemin had set up camp in the second bedroom which they had converted into a kind of office, for school or other things. Nobody had moved yet, and it had been almost an hour. Renjun didn’t have a temper, necessarily, but he got frustrated easily. Work that day had been a nightmare, and adding to it was the fact that Renjun’s mental state was at a low point. He knew it, and so did Jeno and Jaemin. They had talked about it, but Renjun assured them that there was nothing they needed to do differently, just put up with him until he eventually came back around. And maybe give him a few extra kisses in the mornings. Whatever the combination of reasons, Renjun had come home this evening looking for nothing but a meal and some sleep. He was strung out and he knew that if he let himself, he would likely upset the first person in his path. That had happened to be Jaemin.
The only greeting he had received coming through the door was the shrill ring of the phone and Jaemin saying;
“Oh god Renjun please get that! My hands are wet.” Jaemin was elbows-deep in the sink, washing dishes from last night that nobody else had gotten around to. Renjun held back a groan, grabbing the ringing phone and answering it.
“Hello?”
“Renjun?”
“Yeah, Jeno?”
“Yeah, sorry, my phone died and I’m using a convenience store’s. Can you come pick me up? The bus didn’t fucking stop for me and it’s too cold out here to wait for the next one.”
Renjun rolled his eyes involuntarily, he knew it wasn’t Jeno’s fault, but it sure did feel like it.
“Were you there on time?”
“I … yes? Renjun I never miss the bus, and you know public transit sucks ass around here.”
“Yeah, when’s the next one?” Renjun knew he wasn’t being very nice, his tone was sharp and he wasn’t calling Jeno the petnames he usually did.
“Babe it’s not for another half an hour. Is it that big of a deal to you? It’s a five minute drive.” Jeno seemed to remember that Renjun had just gotten off work as well, so he relented, “or you could ask Jaemin, maybe he would. I just want to get home and see you guys.”
“I’ll ask.”
That one stung Jeno a bit. He was hoping maybe he’d be met with a “Yes Jeno we miss you we want you home.” or even a “no it’s okay, I’ll come pick you up bub.”
“I’ll ask.” Jeno frowned but said nothing as he waited in silence on the other end of the line. He tried not to take it too personally, Renjun was having a bit of a rough time. Renjun dropped the phone from his ear and turned to Jaemin. He took a breath before speaking, trying to cleanse himself of the unreasonable annoyance he felt at Jeno.
“Jeno couldn’t get the bus, could you go pick him up?”
Jaemin glanced up at Renjun, “I’m a little busy babe, dinner’s on the stove and I’m supposed to get a call from the landlord soon about some of last month’s bills, I know you hate dealing with him so maybe you should go pick up Jeno?”
Jaemin was right, the last thing Renjun wanted to do was talk to their shitty landlord. But he also did not want to walk all the way back down to the parking garage and get back in his car. Renjun’s pretty sure he could have started crying on the spot if he let himself. But again, he withheld and picked the phone back up, not bothering to answer Jaemin directly.
“I’ll be there in a bit.”
“Renjun if you’re tired it’s okay, I’ll just wait for the next one.”
“No it’s fine.” And the phone was hung up. Jaemin gave Renjun another glance out of the corner of his eye.
“Are you doing okay?” he asked genuinely.
“Yeah.” And the door was shut.
Renjun stood in the hallway for a moment, thoroughly regretting his actions. He could open the door back up right now and apologize to Jaemin, tell him he was just stressed and he loves him dearly. But he didn’t, for some reason. Some stupid reason.
__________________________________________________
When Renjun pulled up in front of Jeno, Jeno still looked happy to see him. It made Renjun feel a little guilty. Renjun rolled down the window.
“Do you want to switch and I can drive us home?” Jeno asked, leaning over and shivering in the cold wind.
“Sure,” Renjun said, feeling a bit of relief.
Once Jeno had started the car and they were on the road back home, Jeno’s eyes wandered over to where Renjun’s hands were clasped in his lap. Jeno liked holding hands, especially when he was in the car. It made him feel like a good boyfriend. A movie boyfriend. Certain that whatever stress Renjun was feeling right now wouldn’t change things that much, he opened his right hand, palm up, and offered it to Renjun. Luckily, he was right. Renjun took his hand, albeit a bit harshly, and held it in his lap, sandwiched between both of his. Jeno smiled, but decided not to push it, keeping his eyes on the road and his mouth shut until they got home. Renjun barely noticed, distracted with trying not to explode. Everything felt so inexplicably bad for him. He knew what it was, he had felt it many times before, but that didn't make it any less unbearable. It would have been manageable, if he hadn’t pissed off both of the people he loved and had that to feel bad about as well.
When they returned home, Jaemin had finished up in the kitchen and was sitting on the couch with papers spread across the coffee table and their landlord’s voice projecting through the phone. He gave them a look that screamed “help me” and pointed at the table where their food was sitting. Jeno mouthed a thank you and sat down.
Renjun wasn’t hungry, not anymore. His fists had been clenched ever since Jeno had let go of his hand and he was one more unpleasant surprise away from screaming. He needed to go to bed. He needed to be alone and go to bed.
“Renjun! Come over here!” Jaemin was whisper-yelling with his hand covering the mouthpiece of the phone.
Nope. Renjun was not going to go. His day was finished, it was 7:15 and he was going to go to bed. He ignored Jaemin and walked (see: stomped) to the bedroom. He heard the phone go quiet a moment later.
“Jeno, will you come help me then? Fucking hell.”
“Yeah, what’s wrong?”
“Apparently last month’s heating was more than we paid. We need to pay more but I don’t know where to take it from.”
“Fuck.”
“I know, do you have this week’s grocery money?”
“Yeah, barely.”
“Think we can use half of it?”
“Not if we want to eat next week.”
“Fuck it, he’ll never let us off he hook if we don’t fix this soon, I already picked up extra shifts this month, we’ll use my tip money from this week for groceries.”
“Jaem that was supposed to be for your camera.”
“We don’t have a choice, sweetheart, plus I’d rather cook for you guys than get an overpriced new camera lens anyway.”
They both laughed softly, a bit sadly. A pit opened in Renjun’s stomach.
“Renjun took this weekend off, didn’t he?”
“Yeah.”
“Fuck, that’s gonna make things worse.”
“I know, but we can’t ask him to get it back.”
“We need to. I know he’s not feeling great right now but if we’re sacrificing your money for this Jaem, him and I both need to help as well. That’s how this works.”
“You’re right, but he’ll be angry if we tell him right now.”
“He’s already angry, I’ll tell him and then leave him alone for the rest of the night. He’ll calm down in the morning.”
“Good luck, Jeno.”
Renjun, suddenly enraged at how his boyfriends were speaking about him like he was some sort of problem child, stood up from where he had collapsed on the bed and opened the bedroom door. Storming down the hallway, he almost ran into Jeno rounding the corner heading the opposite way.
“What the fuck, guys?” Renjun said, trying to gather as much malice in his words as he could.
Jeno and Jaemin both seemed a bit shocked. Jeno took a step back.
“Why talk about me like I’m a fucking nuisance when I’m literally right behind that fucking wall!” he jabs his finger at the wall behind Jaemin’s head, “I can hear you!”
“Renju-” “I know I’m not in a great mood today, I fucking realised that, too, believe it or not and I’m not enjoying it either, sorry it ruined your day!”
“Jun we didn’t mean it like that,” Jaemin said.
“Right. Sure. Take the money out of my account and leave me the fuck alone for the rest of the night, I’ll call work in the morning and get my weekend shifts back.”
“Junnie, babe-” Jeno was cut off by the door to the den slamming shut and the lights inside turning off. Renjun was fuming. There was a couch and blankets in the den, he didn’t need to leave until morning after Jen and Jaem will have already left for work. They could spend a nice night in bed together without him, since he was such an inconvenience. He curled up under the blankets and turned on the TV only to not pay attention to it. His thoughts were spiraling and he knew it was going to be a sleepless night.
_________________________________________________
This had all happened an hour ago. Jeno and Jaemin had been resisting the urge to check up on him. Renjun was intelligent and he knew himself, so if he told them not to talk to him for the rest of the night, they would do exactly that. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard for them, though. Jaemin wasn’t fond of unresolved tension and Jeno couldn’t quite wrap his head around why he couldn’t simply cling to Renjun and give him face kisses until he felt better. Feeling a bit defeated, they wound up in their makeshift office trying to work out the kinks of their monthly bills.
Renjun, meanwhile, was in a considerably worse state. He wasn’t angry anymore, not even a little. Terrible thoughts of how much his boyfriends probably hated him had been flying around his head for so long they felt like a tornado. He was shivering despite the blankets and the tiredness he had felt earlier was gone. It had been replaced with a cold and dead feeling. His chest felt like it had been filled with lead, black and heavy and gaping. His cold fingers gripped the blanket around his shoulders and his socked feet hit the hardwood. He opened the door as quietly as he could, but it squeaked despite his efforts. The hushed talking in the office continued though. Renjun wasn’t crying until he got to the middle of the living room.
The tears started faster than he could register, nose running and chest heaving. He fell apart so quickly that he considered turning around and running to the safety of his den nest. The strangled little noise he let out felt so pitiful that he covered his mouth, the blanket falling from one of his shoulders. Renjun almost gave in, almost ran back to cover, but he could feel his boyfriends’ voices like a magnetic pull, begging him to open the door and run to them. The last few steps to the office door felt like the farthest distance he’d ever walked. He raised his hand to knock, his insecurity taking hold at the last second and asking, “what if they tell you to leave? you’d deserve it, you told them to leave you the fuck alone…” But he was too close now. Instead of knocking, he turned the handle and opened the door. The creak made both Jeno and Jaemin turn around from their seats at the desk.
Renjun was suddenly aware of how terrible he must look. Hair mussed from being under the blankets, puffy red eyes and runny nose, ugly sobs still escaping his throat no matter how hard he tried to suppress them, his clothes wrinkled and a blanket hanging off one shoulder. He probably looked like a kid waking up after a nightmare, asking Jeno and Jaemin if he could sleep in their bed for the night. That’s what he felt like, too. Like a dumb, frightened little kid asking for a hug. There were a million things he wanted to say, a million things he had planned to say to make his boyfriends forgive him, but all of them disappeared the second he opened his mouth.
“Do you still love me?”
He couldn’t keep it together after that, Jeno and Jaemin stood up at the same time and rushed over to him, grabbing Renjun when he threatened to fall to the ground. Two sets of arms wrapped around Renjun, he didn’t know whose were whose. Whimpers of “please forgive me, i’m so sorry, please, don’t leave, i’ll stop, i’ll do better” were shushed by Jeno pulling Renjun’s head down onto his shoulder.
“Yes baby, yes we still love you. We’re always going to love you sweetheart. That won’t change,” came Jaemin’s voice in one ear.
“I’m sorry-”
“It’s okay, we’re not mad Junnie, not at all. You had a hard day, don’t worry about it,” said Jeno from the other side.
Now obviously Renjun’s mental health crisis wasn’t completely resolved, but it was hard to feel too bad wrapped in an embrace with the two loves of his life.
“Can I kiss you, baby?”
Renjun turned to Jaemin, “but I’m all … gross.”
Jaemin just smiled and nodded.
“Yeah I know. Still pretty though.”
“Yeah, please kiss me,” It sounded more desperate than Renjun had planned, but he figured at this point he didn’t have much of an ego left to cling to. Jaemin leaned in slowly and lifted Renjun’s chin so that his lips could connect with the tip of his nose. Renjun glowed a bit at the affection but then whined.
“Jaem.. properly.”
Jaemin’s kisses felt like religion. He was never one to be ashamed of his emotions and he tended to express many of them physically. Kissing included. Renjun has heard Jaemin say “I love you” a million different ways through one kiss. This one, somehow, was a completely new one. The way Jaemin’s forehead pressed against his and the way Jaemin’s shirt felt gripped in Renjun’s fists, it was incredible. It made Renjun feel loved. So, so incredibly loved. His hands left Jaemin’s shirt to grab Jeno’s hands, and when Jaemin finally let go of Renjun’s face, he was turning to kiss Jeno.
Jeno was less skillful, but he had all the same emotion that Jaemin had, maybe more. Renjun felt Jaemin back away from them both and Jeno took the opportunity to lift Renjun up into his arms. This is what Jeno has been holding himself back from doing. He detached their lips and planted kisses all over Renjun’s face and down his neck. Renjun’s eyes, still red from crying, crinkled up in happiness. When he finally set Renjun back down, neither of them let go of each other.
“Oh my god I’ve been wanting to do that for an hour.”
Jaemin smiled from the doorway.
“Bedtime?”
“Please,” Renjun nodded.
The three of them never grew out of the honeymoon cuddling phase. Renjun was always cold, Jaemin was touchy and Jeno liked whatever his boyfriends liked. So, bedtime that night was no different. Renjun in the middle, Jaemin holding him to his chest and Jeno with an arm draped over his waist. Here, in the warmth of the bed and their arms, in their garbage apartment owned by their shitty landlord, Renjun was happy. Renjun was so, so happy. He knew he didn’t feel like it sometimes, but this was how it was supposed to be. Renjun was the very important third person. If he wasn’t there, there wouldn’t be three of them and there were always supposed to be three of them. That’s how it worked. Otherwise they’d all probably die or something. The universe wouldn’t like it. You know?