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It was starting to eat you up a bit.
It hadn’t been so present in the beginning, sharing the friendly, albeit awkward messages to figure out where you both wanted to eat for that first date. You both had settled on some sort of little diner in the city–homey and relaxed, decent food. There had been an inkling in the back of your mind during that whole meal, something that tried to scratch at the surface of your mind, but you had pushed it down.
It had been nice, relaxed. It was a little odd to see Arthur outside of the office and what little memories you still had of him in the classroom, but he seemed more at ease at that table in that lightly populated diner. You two had settled on some sort of breakfast for dinner thing, picking at a skillet as you both exchanged little tidbits of stories about your lives. No work, no past relationships.
You knew he could have easily broken into that, and you knew you would have to address the lingering anxieties about how your last one had ended. Yet, it had just been the first date, so you let those topics lay.
Arthur managed to surprise you with his humor and the odd story about the people he used to live with, something you wished you could have matched, but you had to argue that you hadn’t lived the most interesting life. Still, things were nice, and you knew you were at least pretty interested in seeing where this would end up.
Though, with the end of the break and classes picking back up, it left room for those drops of doubt to sink in.
With the semester picking back up at the university, it was easy just to let things lay where they were. Arthur was pretty good about leaving his home life out of the office hour you two shared, at least when it came to you. There was the odd lingering touch when you would pass by each other, or a look you’d share, but nothing that would seem unprofessional should anybody walk into the room.
Going out together had been getting a little more complicated, juggling the approaching end of the semester. Projects needed to be marked, lectures that needed to be wrapped up. Still, you managed to share lunches, sneak in a second date, a third. All the while, the unexplored thoughts and doubts seemed to get heavier the more you saw of him.
It wasn’t fair, the way you were starting to compare.
You hadn’t thought about your ex in years, that whole situation put in the past with time but you hadn’t really addressed the pain that lingered. You knew Arthur couldn’t possibly be beyond the effects of his divorce only a couple months out from it, and with those two things lingering, it made the whole situation a lot more complicated in your head.
It made your stomach twist in guilt over the idea of Arthur being a cheater, yet there was always that worry in the back of your mind. If his ex-wife started to miss him, if she changed her mind, you couldn’t help but worry that this whole thing was him just trying to fill a hole until he realized he didn’t need you anymore.
Christ, you hated thinking like that, but it was hard not to.
Yet, all of that seemed to just bubble just below the surface when you both had managed to find a day and time to have dinner at his home.
It was a first for you, the both of you tending to keep to rather public spaces and restaurants. It had your gut twisting somewhat with everything had been piling up, along with stress from work. Still, you tried to push that down for the moment as you approached the home, Arthur greeting you at the door after a couple knocks before letting you inside.
He had a decent house, much as you tried not to judge too much on that. The space did seem a little bare, but you could see bits of clutter and pieces of his own taste. Considering what had happened with him recently, you couldn’t really expect much more than that anyway. The thought had you somewhat tense, feeling those thoughts starting to push forward somewhat. You really should just let him into your head a bit at this point, tell him what’s going on and your concerns.
Still, it was hard to bring up, making you further distract yourself as you looked around his home somewhat while making some small talk.
However, you paused as you came across a small book open on the desk near the hall. You had been ready to dismiss it as some assignment he was looking at before you noticed it stuck in a whole book. It looked to be some sort of park landscape filling one page and spilling out onto the next.
Yet, you didn’t get to examine it all that closely when you heard a small chuckle from behind you.
“Ah, Christ, I forgot I left that out,” Arthur muttered, stepping by you to scoop it up from the table as he flipped it closed, “Don’t usually let people see my drawin’s, at least not unless I’m usin’ them as some piss poor example.”
“You use your own art as examples but call them ‘piss poor’?” you asked, turning to glance back toward him as Arthur shrugged lightly.
“Eh…usually just show the odd one to prove I’m not talkin’ out my ass,” he returned, tucking the sketchbook into a drawer.
“Well, sorry for looking,” you said, “It’s good, though.”
“Well…thanks,” he muttered, sounding much more like he was just saying so to move on from the moment instead of taking the genuine compliment. “Don’t worry ‘bout it, I left it out.”
“If it means anything, seeing that makes me believe you had more of a right to being rough on me when I was in your class,” you continued around a soft chuckle, earning another in return when he turned back around.
“…I gotta be honest, I don’t remember what you submitted to me.”
“Well, gee, thanks!” you returned around a small laugh, raising your voice in (somewhat) mock offence.
“No, no, c’mon, you can’t tell me you remember every essay you’ve ever graded,” he returned, at least picking up on the lighthearted tone behind your response as you let out a soft exhale.
“…Not unless there is something particularly special about it, I guess,” you relented, “I’ll have to see if I can find my final project again, might see if I can get a more recent opinion.”
“Well, I’d just be biased now.”
“You weren’t back then?”
“I don’t know where you got the impression that I hated you,” he said, the touch of a grin on his face but you could see a touch of genuine curiosity in his gaze as you let out a small huff.
“…Maybe I was looking into things a little too personally,” you returned, glancing down as you placed a hand against the dinner table, “Though, you did kick me in the teeth a couple times.”
“Back then, you probably weren’t the only one,” he said with a small shrug.
“You have mellowed out over the years,” you returned, causing him to glance up at you.
Really, it was hard to miss the warm feeling that settled in you, despite the teasing, something that had become all the more common the more you saw of him outside of work. You found a small grin touching your face, tilting your head somewhat.
“Though, you could make that up to me,” you continued, not too sure where the burst of courage came from, but it was on the mark enough that you saw the shift in his expression. Something softer, an expression that put a small flutter to your stomach, growing hunger aside.
Yet, as he seemed like he was about to say something, the moment was broken by a couple of quick knocks on the front door.
It wasn’t hard to miss the tightening of Arthur’s brow as he glanced toward it, confusion setting for a few moments before a look of realization crossed his expression. He shut his eyes tightly for a moment, pressing his lips into a thin line before letting out a whispered curse that wasn’t hard to miss from where you were standing.
“I, uh–I’m sorry, hang on.”
You lingered back as Arthur headed toward the door, letting out a small breath as you ran a hand through your hair and glanced around yourself somewhat awkwardly. You could see Arthur digging something out of a drawer near the front room, and you found yourself taking a couple of steps forward despite yourself as he removed what looked to be a folder–some papers.
Realization took a moment to dawn on you as he moved to open the front door, hearing a woman’s voice as Arthur greeted her and exchanged a few words. You let out a small sigh through your nose, almost wanting to laugh.
Of course this was happening right now.
“Well, now ain’t really the best time for–” you heard Arthur start to explain before he shifted back.
“–Oh, it will only take a moment, Arthur. Please.”
You stiffened as the woman at the door stepped into the house, glancing around herself a moment before stilling when her eyes landed on you. She was a pretty woman, dark hair piled up on her head, the folder Arthur previously had in her hands as she looked you over a moment before offering a small, somewhat stiff smile.
“…I didn’t know you had company,” she said, glancing back toward Arthur, the look lingering a moment. It caused you to let out a slow exhale, glancing down as you shifted somewhat on your feet.
“That’s why I was sayin’ this ain’t the best time,” Arthur returned, the tension in his voice and between the three of you really not all that hard to miss.
“I see,” she returned with a soft nod, glancing back toward you, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. I guess I’ll come by tomorrow for all of that, then?”
She had glanced back toward Arthur near the end of that, causing him to nod and give her a quiet ‘sure’ before she glanced back toward you to give you another tight grin, almost apologetic before she turned to exit back out of the door. She and Arthur shared a quiet word before he closed the door behind her, Arthur not turning to face you for a few moments as he ran a hand across his mouth.
“This is my fault,” he said, turning to glance back toward you, “Completely slipped my mind she was comin’ by today, wouldn’t have had you comin’ over so early if I had remembered.”
“It’s…it’s fine,” you returned, taking in a slow breath as he moved back toward you, gesturing toward the table.
“Dinner’ll still be a bit, but feel free to make yourself comfortable.”
You gave him a small nod. Really, the whole interaction had been short, but it was hard to not feel tense with how tense Arthur had become. Separating himself from you by heading into the kitchen, it had broken whatever warm bubble that you had been wrapped up in and it was a hard feeling to shake.
Dinner really would have been nice, had it not been reduced down to small talk and awkward silence. You had been ready to just set aside the earlier hiccup and have a nice night with him, but Arthur had locked himself up and you could only feel yourself distancing from him in light of it. Really, it had you just eating what you could and trying not to keep an eye on the clock, your stomach tightening as the thoughts lingering in the back of your mind started to circle.
You really think dating a recently divorced man is a good idea? His ex shows up and now he can’t even look at you.
You’re just setting yourself up for failure again. If he can’t handle a quick conversation with his ex and continue this, you really shouldn’t even be in it.
“I’m sorry,” Arthur said, his voice pulling you momentarily from the spiral that was happening in your head, “Christ. I didn’t want tonight goin’ like this.”
“It’s…It’s fine–or, I don’t know. Maybe we can…” Just leave. “I don’t know. Shit.”
Finally, that small anxious part of you managed to get its claws into your head, causing you to stand abruptly from the table. All you really knew was how to avoid, you could think clearly if you were just left alone. You caught the somewhat surprised look at crossed Arthur’s face at the action, raising from his chair as you found your things. You heard Arthur saying your name, trying to get your attention, but it was hard to focus.
Though, you paused as the weight of his hand on your shoulder stopped you from just bolting for the door.
“C’mon, it doesn’t have to be this, alright?” he said, causing you to shake off his hand somewhat. Much as you could turn to leave, you knew you had to say something, yet…
“I don’t know if I can do this again,” you said, letting out a shaky breath.
“Do what?” he asked, his brows tightening in confusion as you waved your hand somewhat.
“This,” you said, looking over at him as you dropped your hand back down. You knew you should stop the words, but you could feel your thoughts starting to race and tumble out.
“I can’t keep doing this,” you continued with a bitter laugh, “Getting into relationships with people who eventually just…move on to greener pastures, should they even tell me. That or it’ll be through odd articles of clothing or unexplained hotel bills.”
“The hell’re you insinuatin’’?” Arthur snapped, pulling you into the moment to realize what you had just said. “You think I’m gonna cheat on you?”
“No. No, I…” you paused, that sinking feeling in your gut tightening as you could feel your heart start to hammer away in your chest. “This isn’t coming out right at all. I just…Christ, Arthur, you see your ex for a couple minutes and you can’t even look at me for the rest of the night.”
That got some silence from him, Arthur’s expression tightening with the anger from what you had said and a hurt that touched his gaze that told you more than you needed to know. You really didn’t want to hurt him, not like this, yet…
“I…I’m sorry to waste the dinner, but I’m going to go,” you said after a moment.
Arthur didn’t say anything outside of letting out a low sound from his throat, not stopping you as you turned back around and opened the door to make your way back out toward your car in the evening’s darkness.
You knew you would have to settle the tightness in your chest and shaking in your hands before you could make the drive back home.
Really, it had completely slipped your mind that you would have to deal with this throughout the week. It wasn’t just some bad weekend date, no you had to sit with him in a room for the same hour for a couple days a week.
A workplace romance, another great idea.
As expected, there was tension as soon as the beginning of the week rolled around. Short greetings with minimal eye contact, trying to work in silence with his presence lingering at your back like he was sitting back-to-back with you. Really, you had turned the whole event over and over in your head, kicking yourself for your reaction, still seeing that damn expression on his face. There was a part of you that wanted to apologize, at least for not explaining your worries better or running off like you did. However, you couldn’t quite seem to find the words and if Arthur was having the same struggle, he was being pretty quiet about it.
Still, with how things were at the university, it was easy to throw yourself into your work. Really, you could at least pride yourself on how well you managed to keep it together, you didn’t want a repeat of a couple years ago when personal issues pushed into your work life. Still, it was always there during that hour when you didn’t have questions to field and the nights with no messages or phone calls.
However, you knew this whole thing would have to be addressed eventually.
Much as there was a part of you that wanted to just bottle everything, file it under another reason as to why you shouldn’t get into another relationship. Yet, you knew you wanted this. There was a part of you that couldn’t deny the hopefulness you felt upon pushing beyond the friendliness of colleagues, even of friends, and yet…well, you were scared.
You just needed to talk to him, it was just waiting for a good opportunity or making it yourself.
Still, a week of the distance seemed to pass despite your resolve to sort that out. A couple times you had thought about cornering him during quieter moments, but you couldn’t be sure someone wouldn’t walk in on however that would go. Plus, he had work to do as well, the both of you seeming to deal with the awkwardness in similar ways. However, eventually you managed to find your chance at the university’s car park one evening after you had lingered behind to work on some semester-end papers.
You saw him making his way toward his truck as you did toward your own car, watching him for a moment with a small, anxious flutter in your chest before you paused.
“Arthur?”
He stopped at the sound of your voice, hand resting against the lip of his truck’s trunk as he turned to glance back toward you. The expression on his face was…impassive, you supposed. It was better than angry or irritated, much like you feared it might have been, or it would be quick to shift into.
“You need somethin’?” Well, perhaps he was a little more bitter than you had been thinking.
“Yeah…” you started, walking closer to him as you let out a small sigh, “We need to talk.”
“What about?”
“I think you know,” you stated, trying to keep some frustration from your tone. Perhaps not at him, but born out of the tightness in your chest.
Arthur watched you for a few moments before he glanced away to look around the rather empty car park, tapping his fingers against the metal of his truck.
“Was under the impression there wasn’t anythin’ to talk about,” he said, glancing back toward you with an indifferent expression, “You said you couldn’t do this, so I figured that was it.”
“…I know what I said,” you replied around a small sigh, crossing your arms as you glanced down toward your feet. “It was…childish how I handled that. I shouldn’t have ran off instead of saying what I really meant. I’m sorry I implied that you would be anything like my other partner, that wasn’t right.”
“…That whole dinner was a damn mess,” Arthur replied around a sigh, leaning back against the side of his truck. “Guess Mary showin’ up just…threw everythin’ back in my face. Everythin’ I was doin’.”
“What I…” you started, pausing a moment as you bit the side of your cheek a moment as you tried to find the right words, ignoring how what he was saying was speaking heavily into the doubt you had been carrying. “What I was trying to say was that…I guess I’m scared to be doing this whole thing again. Dating, letting someone in close again. There’s my whole trust issue with that, but…I guess I’m just worried I’m just something to fill a hole until everything with your divorce is settled.”
“I…I know I’m not handlin’ this whole thing very well, seems fast but…Christ, I was dreadin’ this semester but you made it worthwhile to come into work. Seein’ you outside it makes me happy, too.”
“See, that’s…” you started, leaning your shoulder against the back of his truck, “That’s what I’m worried about. Seeing you makes me happy, too, but…I can’t get invested again if this is going to end up where you’ve confused that for something romantic.”
There was a pause after your words, Arthur looking over your expression before he glanced down, crossing his arms as he leaned against the side of his own truck as well. Really, you knew you weren’t sure if you were just talking yourself out of something good, it felt like it at points, but you just had to get that out in the open. Get him to understand.
“…I thought Mary was the one,” Arthur stated, shaking his head lightly, “When we decided to get married, I thought that was it. I was set, but…well, somethin’ changed. If it was somethin’ in her or somethin’ in me, I don’t know, but…well, much as there’s a part of me that’s torn up about that, I know I’m not really lookin’ for somethin’…temporary. Fill a hole, as you said. If I didn’t want somethin’ beyond that, I wouldn’t have bent my own professionalism to date you if I didn’t think there was somethin’ there. So…no, no I’m not gonna use you. Not after all this and what you’ve been through.”
“I…fuck, I want to trust that.”
“Why not?” he asked, stepping closer to you as you looked into his face. Much as the question was tense, you could see the hopefulness in his gaze. After all he had said, you couldn’t blame him, but…
“I had someone for a while,” you said, shaking your head, “It was good. Really good. Almost too good, maybe. I don’t know what happened, maybe it was all a front or if I just…wasn’t good enough, but that relationship gutted me. We moved in together, there was talk of engagement, and then I discovered the sleeping around. The…odd pieces of clothing and unexplained motel bills, as I said. I was lied to over and over when I got confrontational enough, and then…I was just done. I moved out and after that I didn’t see anyone for a long while, not until you. So…knowing what was going on with Mary and how scared I am about this happening again…”
“…Christ,” he said once you had trailed off, causing you to glance up at him, “I’m sorry that happened. I guess…well, I remember you tellin’ me about bein’ cheated on, should have realized that’s goin’ on under everythin’.”
“It’s not your fault,” you replied, “The thing is, I really do want to be with you. I do. That’s why I’m probably so scared about all of this. I…wish this damn conversation didn’t have to happen in a damn car park, but I guess that dinner was just the boiling point for everything. I should have just told you this instead of insinuating you would use me or cheat on me.”
“I’ve never been like that. One night stands when I was younger, sure, but that was mutual. If I’m not happy in a relationship, I wouldn’t do that. You deserve better than somethin’ like that.”
“…Thank you,” you replied, giving him a soft smile, “I…I need to know this is serious, that I’m not some rebound.”
“You’re not,” he stated, placing his hands on your shoulders, “I know the timin’s terrible, but I want to be with you too.”
“…Okay,” you said with a small nod, “Okay, I’m going to trust you.”
At that point you stepped forward to wrap your arms around his middle, placing your head against his shoulder as Arthur returned the embrace. You took in the feeling of him solid against you, holding tight as you let your mind settle. Really, you knew you could have left it at that, but…you knew you had been wanting to do it for a while, long before the whole dinner. You had been too doubtful, and perhaps just waiting for the moment.
Still, you said you would trust him.
So, you found yourself leaning back in the hug, Arthur’s hold loosening somewhat. However, instead of stepping away, you slipped your arms out from around him to lift your hands toward his face. You cupped his jaw for a moment, taking in his expression as he seemed to take in your own before you leaned into him, pressing your lips against his own as Arthur pressed back into the gesture himself. He shifted to press you against the side of his truck somewhat, your hands moving up to press into his hair as you pressed back more into the kiss.
There was some relief in there in finally letting yourself do this, but also starting to work on putting aside your doubt and worries that you had been shoving down. You could feel that warm feeling settling in your chest, dropping your hands down to trail against his neck before resting on his shoulders as you parted somewhat for air. Much as you knew you wanted to stay in the moment, his hands on you and your mouths against each other, you also knew you were in the underground car park of the university.
“I need to drive home,” you said around a somewhat breathy chuckle, Arthur letting out a small one of his own as he pulled back somewhat to give you more space.
“Yeah, yeah so do I.”
“Call me,” you said, giving him a quick smile, “Hopefully we can keep the issues to a minimum until I’ve got my finals sorted out.”
“Sure…” Arthur remarked around a chuckle, “Just…you’re gonna have to let me redo dinner some time once the semester’s out. No Mary, nothin’ like last time.”
You gave him another smile along with a nod, letting out a small breath as the tension was leaving after a week of it.
“I’d like that.”