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The blonde found himself seated like this for a while. His mind aimlessly grasping at uncharted and undeveloped thoughts that he blatantly blocked out with a firm hand.
He had been sitting here all day, his boredom never coming to a stop even when he had found something to relish in and ignore the deep pounding of nothingness in the back of his head. Thoughts swirled hopelessly, and he honestly had come to feel lonely within that time.
Tommy knew he had friends, plenty, in fact. He had people like Tubbo, Jack, and other nameless faces in the SMP. But Tubbo was off, talking to Ranboo for hours, to 'busy' with 'recording' the brunette would remark. Sometimes Tommy would tear up at remembering their old tender memories that were weak and fading, no longer fun to look onto as jealousy would tear up his gut with sharp claws.
Of course, he was happy for them. They were best friends after all, and they were happy together, so that's what mattered to the boy. But sometimes he would sir in his cold room, morning dew littering the window as he stared at it with tired and sleep deprived irises.
And Jack didn't text him much either. Nobody really did. So he found himself venturing for new friends, preferably online, as he felt awkward in real life. He found himself uncomfortable with his frequent realizations that he exists outside of what he perceives himself as, and that usually led him into a depressive episode that he would have to pull himself out of as his friends would become nervous that he wasn't responding.
Though they hadn't been nervous in a while. They never texted him, so the only moments where they would find their gut twisting with an unnerving vine would be when he wouldn't stream for a while and he wouldn't be online for a bit.
In fact, something he found ironic is that Ranboo would frequently reach out to him to check on him during these times. The same person that made fun memories turn regretful would be there for him. He would scowl if he had the effort.
Though he would get along with him, as much as it wrenched him when his only discord notification was from the dirty blonde boy that swooped up his best friend within an instant.
So, here he was, spinning in his chair after joining a few servers. He thought about messaging on the servers, but most people considered him famous so he just decided to wait it out until it was necessary to do so. He kind of hoped that someone would just friend him and he wouldn't have to wait too long.
Fingers pushed against the desk in order to fuel the ever going dizziness he was subjecting himself to. His entire body melted into the rough fabric that cradled and supported his spine like a rocking baby, making his back instead feel joy ache but a pleasing buzz of comfort.
All was well like this, his looming thoughts being choked with an envy indulged hand that protected him from the thoughts that made him wallow in self pity and disgust. Spinning aimlessly, he found himself startled when a ping rang through his black and red headphones. He’s had them for years. Maybe, on second thought he should get new ones, these were old.
Fingers tapped upon the desk in sheer boredom, the tapping lacing the room with an awkwardness despite it only being Tommy in the room.
His hands swiftly found themselves planted onto his mouse whilst the other waited patiently over his keyboard. Shuffling to accept the friend request, he froze for a second. Maybe he should get a background check of some manner on this person? He doesn’t know them. It could be dangerous. But then again, he does trust himself online.
The battle raged on for a few moments only, Tommy just shrugging and blowing a ‘pfft’ of air from his lips before clicking the check mark.
That was mistake one, now that he looks back on it.
The stranger was quick to type a response. “Hiiiii.” Tommy almost found that cute. For some odd reason, he had a soft spot for those who remained faceless with a soft personality, it made his stomach twist suddenly. He couldn’t quite tell why, but he was nervous. But he found his fingers fondly ignoring the darkened pit as he typed away a kind response.
Mistake two.
“Hello!” It was simple. A simple start.
The stranger's icon was a character from a show, Tommy couldn’t quite remember the show as of the moment, but he jotted it into his memory. He also examined the username of the other. It being, ‘Wilbur.’
Tommy smiled at that name, though that smile wasn’t long lasting.
The conversation was awkward at first, no real rhythm to the empty words of greeting and learning of the other. Though eventually Tommy had found himself talking to this stranger everyday, his passion for the other growing slowly but surely.
Flames sparked in his hollowed chest where his heart lay, setting the organ aflame with golden embers that twirled like stars in the morning rise, sun setting the embers on fire as they lit up the sky with a velvety orange.
Simple friendly chats progressed into deeper conversations with more intent for a real conversation shadowing over the two. Tommy had assumed he was being safe. Despite the odd slips that the other would let up he was sure that it was okay. He wasn’t a rookie. Plus, this fellow seemed pretty nice, if he’s not mistaken. He was mistaken.
One night he found himself daintily swinging his feet back and forth whilst he laid on his stomach, a smile plastered on his face subconsciously. By now he had already recognized his feelings, but they were something he only brought up when he was alone in bed, staring up aimlessly.
But tonight was off.
Tommy responded swiftly to a message the other snapped at him as he quickly changed his profile picture. He wasn’t aware how much that would indent his memory with a hatred of that image.
Tommy replied quietly as he examined the afternoon light shining through his window. He rubbed his eyes. He hadn’t slept the night prior, so he had a right to be tired.
“I’m tired. Might go to bed.”
He rolled over onto his back to get more comfortable.
Wilbur: “:((((“
Wilbur: “Don’t sleep, :((((“
TommyInnit: “But I’m tired.”
Wilbur: “Take a shower.”
TommyInnit: “But I don’t want to, plus, I don’t like showers.”
Wilbur: “Just take a shower and it will wake you up.”
Wilbur: “And do what you’d do to yourself in bed.”
The message was deleted as quickly as it was sent, and Tommy’s hands stopped typing. He knew he should feel put off, knowing that the other was older and suddenly so blatantly flirting, he knew he should feel violated and want to vomit his insides.
But he didn’t. He instead relished in the way his body reacted, feeling turned on, but he grit his teeth.
He was naive.
They fought like this throughout the next hour until Tommy called it quits and went to bed. Though the other tried to lure him back in, he managed to ignore him.
-
The boy woke up abruptly to the feeling of his phone vibrating against his chest. It snapped him out of his trance as excitement bubbled, hoping it was Wilbur. And Wilbur it was.
His gut lit up with a spark at this, but it felt wrong. Flashes back to their previous conversation made him feel ever so slightly horny.
He fucking hated it.
But the red flags weren’t clear enough, despite the relentless warnings, and he felt compelled to continue talking to the other. He didn’t even realise what he was getting himself into.
He quickly checked the texts to see that Wilbur had texted him 20 times. Relentless “are you awake yet?”’s littered the chat like scattered garbage that had been failed to be properly thrown in a trash. Tommy quickly checked the clock to see it was 9pm. He forgot about his shitty sleeping schedule.
He dragged his hand up the side of his thigh in slight arousal, feeling praised from the kind messages. He had never had someone text him so much and care so much, it made his entire being rattle with pure happiness. But that happiness had a clear strangled undertone to it. He decided to play dumb to it.
He replied quickly with an “I am awake.”
They then found themselves talking for hours, this continued on for days.
It was only stopped abruptly when Tommy had found what he said uncomfortable. The constant texts and asks for him not to share the words they shared, it was their inside jokes, their funny laughs, theirs. Theirs.
Pieces snapped together in his head as everything made vile approach up his throat.
All he could do was abruptly cut off the conversation before blocking him.
And god, did it take willpower to do so.
Burning feelings still left ignited in his heart but this time rain poured on them. It tempted them to go out, evaporate.
All he could do was drag himself to the toilet, desperately trying to puke up his insides, littering his arms with cuts. He could only blame himself for it. He must have seemed too needy. It was his fault. He deserved this.