Work Text:
”Can I touch you?”
”You’re my boyfriend, Hizashi.”
”That’s not what I asked, baby.”
”Fine. Yeah, do it, whatever.”
”You don’t sound like you’re into it.”
”I am.”
”Don’t lie.”
”I never lie.”
”Okay, that in and of itself is a lie. You love lying. It’s like a hobby with you.”
”... Touché.”
”Hey. Is this okay? Be honest with me.”
”It’s fine, Hizashi.”
”... Okay. We can wait.”
”We don’t have to-“
”We do. And that’s alright.” Smooch. “I don’t mind waiting for you.”
Shouta hates sex.
It’s not like he’s inexperienced or that his sexual partner doesn’t know how to pleasure him or anything like that. He’s thirty one. He’s married to the love of his life. The sex is great.
And he hates it.
Hizashi made them wait until after they got married for the full on, penetrative, penis-in-vagina sex, which is old fashioned and pointless but it did kind of work in Shouta’s favor, because he was terrified of the prospect before, but having that wedding band on his left hand and the knowledge that Hizashi was his husband helped him follow through.
It’s not like he doesn’t consent when they have sex. He does. Every time. Enthusiastically, even. Because he likes to make Hizashi feel good. He likes it when they’re so physically close that their bodies are literally connected. He likes it when Yamada lets out those quiet, breathy moans and calls him his love, his good boy, his baby boy. He likes it when Hizashi climaxes and lets out a string of “I love you, I love you, I love you”s.
And it’s not like he doesn’t finish. He does. Often. He doesn’t necessarily enjoy orgasming, it’s kind of overwhelming and the faces and noises he makes are embarrassing, but he normally climaxes when they have sex.
And it’s not like he doesn’t like the buildup. Or the aftermath. Their foreplay is always short and sweet, lots of kisses and soft words and touches and easy movements.
And their aftercare is even better. Hizashi always cleans him up really good in the bath, washes his hair and slowly lathers soap over his sweaty body, and he makes sure not to touch the lower parts more than necessary because Shouta hates overstimulation. Then he dresses them both up in nice, comfy clothes, makes them some hot drinks (tea for himself, decaf coffee for Shouta), wraps them up in fuzzy blankets, and turns on reruns of old game shows.
(The aftercare is Shouta’s favorite, actually.)
So, yeah, the sex is great. All of it.
And he hates it.
Because even though he loves those soft kisses at the start, even though he whispers “Yes, yes please,” even though he relishes in Hizashi’s pleasured expressions and lovely moans, even though he cums, even though he loves getting cleaned up and pampered afterwards, it is his least favorite way to get intimate.
And he doesn’t want to think about why.
And the worst part is, Hizashi knows. He’s rarely the one to initiate sex, because it breaks his heart when he sees how hesitant Shouta is, even after all these years, even when he can tell it’s good, and that they both want it. They’ve planned things out only for Hizashi to gently call things off last minute because Shouta seemed a little too shaky, the frown on his face too deep or the blush on his cheeks too dark.
(They planned for a weekend at a love hotel once, only to spend the whole trip relaxing in the hot tub and ordering room service. The cleaning staff was pleasantly surprised when they checked out.)
Shouta hates that he knows. He hates to think that he’s not giving enough, that Hizashi is going to get blue-balled so hard one day that he finally snaps and they get into a fight and then they’ll have to Talk and that’s just the worst, he hates fighting, hates it.
So they don’t talk about it.
“Vlad King?”
“Nope.”
“Ectoplasm?”
“Ha! No way.”
“Power Loader.”
“We don’t work with them.”
“Hm... Kamui Woods?”
“Nah, he’s too young for me.”
“Everyone’s too young for you at this point, Nemuri.”
“I should smack you for that.”
“Put em up, Midnight!”
“Yer on, Present M-“
“It’s Emi,” Shouta says lowly, interrupting their antics. The two of them stop to stare at him. He takes a sip of his coffee. “Nemuri’s latest bedmate. It was Emi. Joke.”
Hizashi splutters.
“How’d you know?” Nemuri cackles.
“She texted me,” he explains, holding out his phone. “Here, look.”
Emi (Joke): heyyyyy eraser!!! you’ll never guess who i just bumped into 😜😄
Me: Who
Emi (Joke): guess!!!!! 🤣
Me: I’m not invested enough in this story to waste my energy on it. Goodbye.
Emi (Joke): wait no don’t go!!!!!! 😢🥺 you’re no fun
Emi (Joke): i’ll just tell you since you’re being so grumpy 🤣
Emi (Joke): it was midnight
Emi (Joke): u know, kayama? nemuri kayama?
Emi (Joke): we had lots of fun together...
Emi (Joke): if you catch my drift 😳😉😆
Emi (Joke): i might just have to marry her instead!! LOL 🤣😂🤣😂
Emi (Joke): jk jk ur the only one for me 😘😘😘😘
Me: I am gay and married.
Emi (Joke): joking!! 😅
Emi (Joke): jeez, eraser, you’d think you’d have caught on by now 🤣
Emi (Joke): ok ok i have to go i think she’s waking up
Emi (Joke): goodbye my love 😍🥰😘❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤍🤎❣️💕💞💓💗💖💘💝💟
Me: Oh my god.
“... You’re such a mean texter,” Nemuri mumbles. “And I don’t think I was supposed to see this, Shouta.”
“Well, I hope you’re prepared for her to start planning out your wedding,” he mutters. “I haven’t heard the end of ours for the past twelve years.”
“Ugh. Marriage,” she shudders.
“Hey, what’s wrong with getting married?” Hizashi pouts. She rolls her eyes.
“Don’t take offense to everything I say, ‘Zashi. You should know better than that.” She tosses her hair over her shoulder. “No, it’s just the whole... romance thing. Emi’s sweet and all, but I don’t like the idea of having that connection with someone. I’m not even sure I can have it, honestly. Does that make sense?”
Hizashi and Shouta make eye contact for a second, and then look away, a light blush on Hizashi’s face.
“Yeah, Nems. That makes sense.”
“Well, whatever. Point is, I still got it. And I won’t blame Emi for getting whipped.” She smirks deviously. “I am a catch, after all.”
“You really don’t think you’ll ever fall in love?” Hizashi asks her, clearly still hung up on the topic. Nemuri tilts her head.
“I have fallen in love. I love Sushi.”
“Other than your cat.”
“I love you guys. More so you, though. Sorry, Shouta.”
Shouta rolls his eyes.
“Yeah, but that’s platonic love,” Hizashi points out. “I’m talking about the other kind.”
“... Look,” she sighs. “I don’t owe you an explanation, but since you’re my best friend, I’ll try to give you the Layman’s terms.”
“Here we go,” Shouta mumbles.
“So there are a bunch of different types of love, right?” She begins. “Platonic love, familial love, self-love, love for your pets, love for certain objects, general love for humanity and the world, sexual love, and romantic love.”
“Mm... I feel like you’re making this more complicated than it needs to be,” Hizashi frowns, furrowing his brow. “Love is just love, right? It covers all of that.”
“Generally, sure,” she agrees. “But some people don’t have all of the gears in the big clock of love. Like people that don’t like animals, or people that have bad relationships with their family. Personally, I don’t experience the romantic kind of love. That doesn’t mean I won’t ever fall in love, it just means that I don’t have that specific gear.”
“... Right,” he mumbles, clearly still confused. “So you’ve never had a crush or anything?”
“Sure, but that’s all based on sensuality for me. I don’t experience romantic attraction,” she shrugs. “It’s no biggie. And I’ll probably end up in a long-term relationship at some point, and I will love that person. Just not romantically. Sexual attraction does come with a connection. Maybe not a standard one, but that doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“No, I guess not.”
He frowns, staring at his lap.
Shouta tenses next to him. Oh boy. There’s gonna be a Talk on their drive home.
“Anyways, I want more appetizers. Have you guys tried the wings here before?”
Sure enough, the Talk comes, as soon as the doors shut and Hizashi grips the steering wheel.
“Do you love me?”
“Of course,” Shouta answers quickly.
“I’m not talking about that clock bullshit that Nemuri was on,” he says, staring out the windshield. “I mean the standard kind. Like, love-love. Do you love-love me Shouta?”
“I love-love you, Hizashi.”
“Cool. Cool, good,” he breathes, letting his shoulders relax. “I love-love you, too.”
“We’re married. Of course we love-love each other,” Shouta continues, anxiety clutching at his throat. “Why would- It’s stupid that you would even think that, Hizashi.”
“I know, but...” He sighs and rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. “You don’t like... making love with me.”
Boom. There it is. The big bomb. The sensational nightmare. The thing that Shouta has been fearing for the past however many years. He knew they’d have to stop skirting around the subject eventually, but he was really hoping that this would just be one of those things that went unspoken until they died, like how bad Shouta smells when he gets off of long work shifts or Hizashi’s bad habit of buying house plants and then forgetting to water them.
His first instinct is to lie. To deny such a ridiculous claim. What do you mean he doesn’t like making love with Hizashi? He loves sex! He’s a sex fiend!
But he knows that’s not believable.
“... Does that matter to you?” He decides on, hoping desperately that the answer is no.
“Honestly?” The grip tightens on the steering wheel again. They still haven’t left the parking lot. “... A little bit.”
Oh.
“... Oh.”
Oh no.
Panic and sadness and anger swirl in Shouta’s stomach, and he tries his damndest to blink away the tears that gather in his eyes.
Of course it bothers Hizashi that he doesn’t like sex. It probably makes him feel inadequate, like he can never make Shouta truly happy. He’s been selfish to try and ignore that. He’s his husband. They have vows together. He vowed to make sure that Hizashi would always be happy.
And he’s been breaking that vow ever since.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, staring down at his knees. His vision is blurry and streaked.
“It’s not- You don’t need to apologize for that,” he says softly. “I’m not upset with you or anything like that. I just...”
There’s a heavy sigh. Shouta’s not sure which one of them it comes from.
“Let’s just get home,” Hizashi says quietly. “We can talk about it when we get home.”
“Okay,” he whispers.
“No, baby, don’t cry,” Hizashi mumbles, pulling Shouta into a tight embrace. “I told you, I’m not upset with you. Don’t cry.”
“I’m upset with me,” Shouta croaks, sniffling loudly. “I don’t know why I- It’s so stupid, it’s so goddamn stupid-“
“It’s not stupid if it makes you feel like this,” he insists, running a hand through Shouta’s hair. “Talk to me, Shou. What’s wrong?”
“I-I haven’t been making you happy,” he whimpers. “I was s-supposed to make you happy, but I’m still hung up on sex like some dumb teenager and now you’re not happy and I don’t know how to fix it and I’m fucking us up and you’re gonna get sick of it eventually and leave me and I-“
“Okay, okay,” Hizashi stops him. “First off, I would never, ever leave you. Not in a million years. You’re my rock, Shou, understand? I’m never letting you go. You’re stuck with me until we shrivel up and die. Got it?”
He understands that he’s trying to lighten the mood, but he can’t find it in him to force a smile. He nods, though, because he hears the words and he processes them.
(He doesn’t necessarily believe them, though.)
“Second of all, I am happy. I’m so so happy with you, baby. With us,” he emphasizes, squeezing Shouta’s arm. “I’m happy, Shou. You make me happy. Always.”
I promise to keep you happy. Always.
“You’re not,” Shouta insists, pushing him away. “We wouldn’t be having this conversation now if you were.”
“We’re having this conversation now because we didn’t have it at the beginning of our relationship,” he says, reaching down to grab his hands. “It’s not a fight, and it’s not a confrontation. It’s just a talk. It’s a talk that we need to have, even if we don’t want to, and we’re gonna get through it.”
He reaches up and strokes the side of Shouta’s cheek, looking into his eyes.
“It’s just a talk. We can do that, right?”
Just a talk.
“Okay,” he nods. “Let’s talk.”
They spill everything to each other.
Hizashi goes first. He explains that he’s not upset, he just got worried with Nemuri’s talk earlier and wanted to make sure that Shouta wasn’t forcing himself into a relationship if he wasn’t comfortable with it. He makes sure to remind him that he’d never do anything without his explicit consent, and that he apologizes if he’s ever made him uncomfortable.
Shouta goes next. He assures Hizashi that he’s never crossed any lines, that everything they’ve done together were things that Shouta wanted. He explains that it’s not that the sex is bad or that Hizashi doesn’t treat him right, he just can’t seem to get a grasp on his own sexual attraction. He tells him that he tries, a lot, that he can get aroused during foreplay but the sex itself is just something that he’s not really into, that it’s always been that way and it’s through no fault of his husband.
“Sorry, could you explain that a little more?” Hizashi asks. “You want sex, and you get turned on, but you don’t like it?”
“It’s... hard to put words to it,” he sighs. “It’s kinda like... like I’m only aroused because of you, not because of the things we do. I feel kinda detached from my body’s feelings during sex? The only arousal I feel directly correlates with how you feel, how enthusiastic you are and what noises you make and all that. I like making you feel good, but I’m not super into feeling those same things myself. Like, I can’t.”
“Oh. Hm.” He hums. “Do you watch porn?”
”Hizashi.”
“I’m being serious!”
“Oh my god. I...” Shouta’s face is red, and he huffs, crossing his arms over his chest. “I read... stuff.”
“Ooh, you’re into smut novels, huh? Have you read that American one, Fifty Shades of-“
“Get to the point, or I’ll kick you.”
“Sorry, sorry,” he chuckles. “So, when you’re reading and touchin’ on your bod, what do you imagine exactly?”
“‘Touchin’ on my bod?’”
“Answer the question, Shou.”
“I don’t...” Another huff. Why does this have to be so goddamn embarrassing? “I don’t normally touch myself.”
“Huh?”
“When I read porn or whatever. I don’t masturbate.”
“What?!” Hizashi’s eyes go wide. “Have you ever masturbated?! How did I not know this?! Oh my god!!”
“Quiet,” he grunts. “It’s not like I’ve never masturbated. It’s just not something that I do when I think about sex or whatever. Whenever I get off it’s just, like... clinical.”
Yeah, something like that. Whatever you would call jacking off as fast as possible whenever the ache between his legs becomes an actual bother. He never knows what gets him going when he has to get it out of his system, he just knows that he’s not particularly fond of feeling like that.
“Oof,” Hizashi chuckles under his breath. “Well, the problem stems from you not liking being on the receiving end, right?”
“Sure, I guess,” Shouta shrugs.
“So... why don’t we try switching?” He suggests, tilting his head. Shouta wrinkles his nose in disgust.
“What, you want me to dildo you?”
“Oh my god,” Hizashi snorts. “It’s called pegging, love, not ‘dildo-ing.’”
“I don’t care what it’s called, anal is nasty,” he scoffs, curling his lip. “You shit out of there.”
“Yeah, well, there are ways to clean it out-“
”Gross-“
“Chill, you prude,” he giggles. “I won’t make you ‘dildo’ me if you don’t want to. I’m just saying there are ways around the grossness.”
“Well...”
Deep breath, Shouta.
“I don’t. Totally hate the idea,” he admits quietly. “As long as you take care of all the gross bits. And don’t make fun of me. And-“
“Hey, don’t get yourself worked up again,” Hizashi interrupts him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I promise I’ll take care of everything. All you gotta do is stick it in me.”
“Right, yeah,” he breathes, nodding.
“This way, you get to make me feel good, and you don’t have to have anything done to you. You’ll be just as in control as you need to be,” he promises, pressing a kiss to Shouta’s cheek. “Alright?”
“Okay,” he agrees, reaching out to cup Hizashi’s jaw. “I love you. I’m sorry about-“
“Ah,” Hizashi stops him with a finger to his lips. “You didn’t do anything wrong, my love. I’m glad that we talked this out. Got it?”
Shouta nods, grabbing Hizashi’s wrist and pulling it away from his mouth so he can surge forward and connect their lips.
“You didn’t say it back,” he whispers.
Hizashi chuckles, wrapping his arms around Shouta’s shoulders and laying backwards onto the mattress, kissing his husband deeply before pulling away to press a soft peck to his eyelid, brushing the hair out of his face.
“I love you, Shouta.”
“Like- Like this?” Shouta asks, wrapping the straps around his waist.
“Mm.. I think you step into it,” Hizashi says.
“No, then it’ll just fall right off.”
“Right, clip it together first and then step in.”
“Right, right, okay.”
He clips. He steps.
“It won’t get past my thighs. Did we but the wrong size or something? Was there a size chart? I don’t remember a size chart.”
“It’s one size fits all,” Hizashi confirms. “Okay, okay, unclip it, and I’ll wrap the straps around you and clip it from there, alright?”
Eventually, they get it figured out, and Shouta lets out a long breath.
“We should’ve gotten the underwear kind.”
“This one had better ratings, though,” Hizashi points out. “And look! It’s pink. Your color.”
“Yeah,” Shouta shrugs, looking down at the silicone appendage in between his legs.
... Huh. Not bad. He probably should have expected this to give him a surge of gender euphoria, but it’s a nice surprise.
“You like it?” Hizashi asks quietly.
“Do you?” Shouta counters. “It’s going into your body, you should be the one judging.”
“I like it,” he grins, wrapping his arms around Shouta’s neck and kissing him sweetly. “You ready to do this?”
Ready as I’ll ever be.
“Yeah,” he nods.
They kiss for a little while longer. There are hands on hips and teeth on necks like always, but Hizashi is clearly letting Shouta take the reigns tonight. He’s in charge of leading them to the bed, lying Hizashi down on his back, helping his legs wrap around his waist, and sinking down into his-
”Oh, fuck,” Hizashi whimpers, biting his bottom lip and flushing pink.
“Good?” Shouta asks, frantic.
“Mm,” he nods. “Yeah, real good. Just gimme a sec to adjust, shit.”
...
This is kind of terrifying.
That wave of pride and confidence from earlier totally drains from Shouta’s body and is replaced with anxiety. Should he have used more lube? Should he touch Hizashi’s dick? How is he supposed to move when it’s time?
“Hey, relax,” Hizashi says, reaching up and touching his jaw. His eyes are full of worry as he assesses Shouta’s face. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” he manages to wheeze out. “It’s just... different. New.”
“Good-new or bad-new?”
“Haven’t decided yet,” he admits.
Hizashi chews at his bottom lip for a second.
“Maybe we should try a different position,” he suggests, letting his legs fall off of Shouta’s back. “I could ride you.”
Pull out. Use more lube this time. Sit on the bed. Help Hizashi sit down.
Hizashi looks so pretty like this.
“Mm, s’good,” he moans as he starts to grind his hips about. Shouta hums.
“Yeah. This is better.”
It takes him a moment to get started, but eventually Hizashi begins to bounce, and Shouta can’t help but think he looks beautiful right now, his hair silky and light as it swishes with his movement, his face flushed and sweaty, his eyes screwed shut in what’s either pleasure or concentration-
“Okay, wait.”
Oh. Probably not pleasure, then.
“This feels weird,” he sighs, placing his hands on Shouta’s chest. “I feel like I’m just using a toy to get off. It doesn’t feel like sex.”
“Oh.” He furrows his brow. “Should I... do something? I don’t really ever know what to do with my hands during sex. I normally just hug you, but if you want I could... touch it?”
“Nah. I’m not as into this as I thought I would be,” he admits, groaning and running a hand down his face. “I’m gonna take it out, now.”
“Okay. Be careful.”
“I am,” he mumbles, carefully maneuvering himself off of the strap and cuddling into Shouta’s side with a sigh. “So. Pegging’s a bust, I guess.”
“You looked really pretty up there,” Shouta says, planting a kiss on Hizashi’s forehead. “I like seeing you on top. S’nice.”
“Pillow princess.”
“Whatever,” he snorts, rolling his eyes. “Is there anything else we can try with this thing?”
“I mean, there’s plenty of positions outside of missionary and cowgirl, but it just feels kinda weird,” he mutters. “Although... not totally adverse to having stuff up my ass, apparently. That part felt real good.”
“Now who’s the pillow princess?”
“Still you.”
Shouta flicks his nose for that.
Emi (Joke): DRXZOTSZYIYCCTYCOFTID &1&;9&;???!!??????
Emi (Joke): nemuri asked me to come over tonight??????? 😱😱😱
Emi (Joke): 🥳🥳🥳 ms joke is gettin it on!!! 😝🤤😳
Me: I don’t know what that code means.
Emi (Joke): code??? 🤨
Me: I don’t know what you mean by “DRXZOTSZYIYCCTYCOFTID &1&;9&;???!!??????”
Emi (Joke): oh my god ur such an old man 🤣🤣🤣
Emi (Joke): that’s just a keysmash, aizawa 😂 it means i’m excited
Me: Because of Nemuri?
Emi (Joke): yeah!! ☺️
Me: We are talking about the same Nemuri, right?
Emi (Joke): rude !!! 😡😤
Emi (Joke): do you want the deets or not?
Me: About your sex life with my close friend? I’ll pass, thanks.
Emi (Joke): such a prude, zawa 🤧🤧🤧
Emi (Joke): no wonder yamada always seems so pent up!! lololol 🤣
Me: What?
Me: He does?
Emi (Joke): OMG!! THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU’VE EVER DOUBLE TEXTED ME!!! 😱😱😱🥳🥳🥳🎉🎉🎉
Emi (Joke): THIS SHOULD BE WRITTEN IN THE HISTORY BOOKS OF OUR FRIENDSHIP!!!
Me: Emi, I’m serious.
Emi (Joke): lol 😂 just messin with ya again
Emi (Joke): ur husband is tooooootally whipped for you, don’t sweat it babe. 🥰🥰🥰
Me: Don’t call me babe.
Emi (Joke): why baby? 🥺
Emi (Joke): cupcake? 🥺🥺
Emi (Joke): schnookums? 🥺🥺🥺
Me: I’m going to block your number one of these days.
Emi (Joke): don’t tempt me with a good time 😘
Aizawa sighs as he sets his phone down, resting his head in his hand.
“What’s wrong, Aizawa?” Toshinori asks.
“None of your business.”
“Ah- right. See you around, then.”
SLAM!
“Why are you fucking Emi?”
Nemuri’s eyes go wide. She sets her tea and book down and watches as the other lingering teachers file out of the break room.
“Good evening to you too, Shouta.”
“I’m not fucking around, Nemuri,” he growls, holding his phone out to show her the onslaught of texts. “She won’t stop gushing about you. Why are you sleeping with her? Is it some kind of power game? How long are you going to lead her on for?”
“I’m not leading her on,” she says lowly, brow furrowing. “Does she think I’m leading her on?”
“She thinks she’s in love with you,” he hisses. “She thinks you’re girlfriends.”
“We are,” she shrugs, picking up her tea and sipping it again.
Shouta pauses.
Huh?
“What?”
“Emi and I are dating. I asked her to make things official over the weekend.”
“But...” He sits down on the couch across from her. “I thought you didn’t love anyone.”
“Wow, my whole spiel really went in one ear and out the other, huh?” She sighs, shaking her head. “I do love people. We’ve been over this. Emi is one of those people. I’m sexually attracted to her and I care deeply for her.”
“But you don’t love her.”
“Romantically? No. Not yet, at least. We’ll see.”
“So what does ‘dating’ entail, then?”
“Just because I don’t feel romantic attraction to her doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel that for me,” she scoffs. “And like I said, I do love her. Maybe we’re a little unconventional, but that’s alright. I told her that I was aromantic and she’s fine pursuing a relationship anyways.”
Shouta is dumbstruck.
That’s how he feels in bed with Hizashi.
“What’s it called again?” He asks.
“There’s no special word for our relationship just because I’m aromantic, we’re just girlfr-“
“There. That word,” he cuts in, pointing at her. “‘Aromantic.’ What’s that mean?”
“... You know what it means,” she says, raising a brow. “But why do you ask?”
“I think...”
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
“I think I’m aromantic.”
Nemuri chokes on her tea.
“Jesus christ, Nems, learn how to swallow.”
“Th-a-at’s- what she sa-aid,” she manages to get out through coughs.
“Oh, real mature.”
Once she’s done drowning, she starts to laugh.
“You’re not aromantic, Shou.”
“How would you know?”
“Because I know you. I know the way you feel about Hizashi.” She shakes her head. “If anything you have an influx of romantic attraction for him.”
“That’s... true.”
He sighs. Damn. Just when he thought he had the answer.
“Why did you think you were aromantic?”
He glares at her.
“You’re not getting me to discuss my sex life.”
“Romantic attraction doesn’t have anything to do with your sex life. Why can’t you understand that?”
“Because mine does,” he sighs, pressing his palms to his eyes.
... Oh.
Nemuri sets her tea down again.
“You and Hizashi are having trouble in the bedroom?” She asks quietly.
”Nemuri.”
“I’m not trying to be nosy,” she says quickly. “Have you guys talked it out yet?”
“Yeah,” he admits, because fuck it, she can keep a secret. “Didn’t help much.”
“Why?”
“I’m not going into specifics,” he says firmly. “But... what we did to try and fix it felt impersonal to him. And I hate to think that I’m... not doing enough for him.”
“Well, lucky for you, I don’t think you could ever not do enough in his eyes,” she assures him. “That man looks at you like you hung the stars in the sky, Shouta.”
“Mm,” he grunts.
So he’s heard. He just wishes he knew for sure.
“Why don’t you just try spicing it up?” She suggests. “I know a great S&M club.”
“Oh my god, no way,” he groans, burying his face in his hands. “I think we’re probably the least kinky people on the planet.”
“Honey, your specialty move is tying people up and your husband walks around clad in leather all the time. You don’t exactly come off as vanilla,” she points out. “And you don’t have to go full-dark if you’re feeling like experimenting with kinks. It’s a wide world. Just pick up some fuzzy handcuffs or call him daddy or something.”
Gross. Barf. Vomit.
“Doesn’t appeal to me,” he insists. “And I doubt Hizashi would be into that either. He’s...”
Oh, baby. My baby boy. You’re so good.
“Wuh-oh, you just realized something about your husband,” she giggles.
“Shut up.”
“Shouta, what-“
“Shh. Just- just let me do this,” Shouta insists, face bright red as he climbs into his lap.
“What are you doing? Babe-“
“I’m gonna make you feel good,” he whispers against his jaw. Hizashi swallows.
“You... You want to? You feel okay?”
“Mhm. Just let me take care of you.”
He presses his hand to Hizashi’s quickly growing bulge. His breath hitches.
“O-Okay.”
Shouta watches his reactions carefully as he palms at Hizashi’s dick, kissing up his jaw and nipping lightly at his earlobe. The soft noises of pleasure that spill from his lips only spur him on, which is why he leans in and whispers,
“You like that, daddy?”
...
And he can feel Hizashi’s boner die.
Oops.
“Shouta, what?”
“Oh.” He frowns, looking down at Hizashi’s lap.
Yep. Erection free.
“I thought you might have a daddy kink.”
”What?! I don’t have a daddy kink!” He pauses. “... Do you have a daddy kink?”
“I don’t think I have any kinks, honestly.”
“Then why are we doing this?”
“Because...”
He bites his lip.
“Because I feel like ever since we talked about my whole ‘sex-adversity’ thingy I haven’t been doing enough for you,” he admits. “Aren’t you... y’know... pent up or whatever?”
“‘Pent up?’ What, like I have to reach a quota of orgasms?” He questions, raising a brow. “Hon, if I wanted to get off, I’d just do it myself in the shower. Don’t worry about it.”
“That’s bad for our pipes,” Shouta says lowly. “And I want you to be able to come to me when you want to get off. I’m your husband. It’s my job to get you off.”
“Your job is to be a good teacher and hero,” he says, kissing Shouta’s cheek. “Don’t worry about me, baby. I’m alright.”
“But I do worry about you,” he insists. “About this. I don’t want you to not have sex with me anymore.”
“Why not?”
“Because, I already told you, I like it when you feel good,” he huffs. “And I don’t hate all parts of sex. I like being close with you. I like it when you take care of me afterwards. I’m just not into the whole... y’know.”
“Alright. That makes sense,” he agrees. “Did you want to do it right now, then?”
God, he loves Hizashi. He never beats around the bush with him, which is good, because when it comes to emotional shit with Shouta it’s blunt or nothing. He bites back a smile.
“Really? Right now?”
“Yeah, as long as you promise not to call me ‘daddy’ again,” he teases, standing up and wrapping Shouta’s legs around his waist. “You want it like normal, or should I get the strap?”
“Like normal,” he says softly. “I like it when we’re connected like that.”
“Agh, so cute,” Hizashi whispers, kissing his nose. “I don’t deserve you, Shou.”
“Ditto, Zashi.”
Shouta and Hizashi rarely fuck. Their sex is never rough, it’s always easily paced and average. Nothing super high-intensity, but never slow and boring. It’s just sex.
Tonight they don’t fuck, but it’s not just sex. Tonight Hizashi makes love to him.
Shouta doesn’t cum during it. He’s not bothered by it, and in fact he’s kind of glad that he doesn’t. The throbbing afterwards is always so uncomfortable, and not reaching climax means that he’s fully aware of and in touch with Hizashi, the whole time.
He doesn’t cum, but he does cry. He’s never really been big on crying during sex, his emotions have never been high enough for him to do so. Hizashi does. Often. But not Shouta. He does tonight, though, and he’s pretty sure he knows why.
It’s because this sex feels right. He feels the emotional connection during this kind of intimacy, and he could easily get hooked on it and crave it like normal people crave sex. He doesn’t feel it in his pussy or in the way that Hizashi rocks into him like he maybe should, but he feels it in his heart.
So he cries.
“So good to me,” Hizashi whispers, brushing his tears away. “I love you so much, Shouta.”
“Love you,” Shouta sobs, burying his face in his neck. “I love you, Hizashi. I love you.”
“Shh, baby, deep breaths,” he instructs him, running a hand up his side. “Relax, love. Take it easy. I’m right here. I’m with you.”
“Have you put a name to it yet?” Hizashi asks one night while they’re in the bath, drawing circles into Shouta’s chest with his finger.
“Put a name to what?” He hums, running his hands through Hizashi’s hair.
“Your sexual orientation. Or lack thereof.”
“I’m gay,” he responds quickly. “You know that.”
“Right, but thats different.” Shouta raises an eyebrow at him in confusion, so he roles his eyes and continues. “You’re exclusively attracted to men, yes, but that doesn’t cover your sexual attraction.”
“I don’t have one of those.”
“Right, but there’s a name for that!” Hizashi reveals excitedly. “Nems was explaining it to me earlier today. It’s called being ‘asexual.’”
Shouta thinks about that for a minute.
“Like... mushrooms?”
Hizashi’s brow furrows.
“Huh?”
“Mushrooms. They reproduce asexually. All plants do, actually, but mushrooms specifica-“
“Shou, honey, not like mushrooms,” he interrupts him. “Like people that don’t experience sexual attraction. Or, like, they have a different relationship with it. Some people do have the attraction but they don’t like actually having sex. And some people just don’t have anything at all.”
“Oh,” Shouta hums. “Sounds kinda pointless.”
“Just saying, if you wanna put a label to it,” he explains, pressing a smooch to his wet face. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“Huh.”
It’s quiet for a long moment, no sound except for the swishing of the water and the squeaking of their skin against the tub.
Finally, after much internal delegation, Shouta asks a question.
“Are there people like me that are asexual?” He asks softly. “People that like the connection, and get turned on, but don’t like the feeling of sex or necessarily crave it?”
“I’m sure there are, baby.”
“I think maybe I’m too complicated for that,” he says lowly. “I could probably chock this all up to more side effects of trauma, you know. I don’t really think I should call myself asexual if I like having sex with you. Just because I don’t like the feeling of sex itself doesn’t necessarily mean I’m-“
“Honey,” Hizashi stops him. “Take a deep breath. You’re working yourself up.”
In.
Hold, two, three.
Out.
“Sorry,” he sighs on his exhale.
“No biggie. We all need a breather sometimes,” he reminds him. “Listen, from what I can gather, asexuality is a spectrum. Different asexual people have different preferences. You don’t have to call yourself asexual by any means, but no one’s going to question it if you do.”
Oh.
“Oh.”
“Yeah,” Hizashi smiles. “So quit overthinking it, alright? C’mon, lean forward, I’m gonna wash your back now.”
“Does it ever bother you?” Aizawa asks, staring into his coffee cup. “That Nemuri doesn’t love you the same way you love her?”
“Hm...” Emi purses her lips in thought. “At first, maybe a little, yeah. But I don’t really care now. She loves me in her own way, and she’s never made me feel like that love wasn’t there.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” She takes a contemplative sip of her soda. “Plus, she lets me do all sorts of things with her anyways.”
”Gross.”
“Oh, pssh, get your mind out of the gutter!” She giggles. “I mean that she lets me take her on dates and stuff like that. She says that she even kinda likes romance when it’s with me, just because she likes seeing me happy. Isn’t that so sweet of her?”
Shouta bites back a smile.
“Nemuri? Sweet? Hard to believe.”
There are so many different types of love.
Not just general love, or the “love-love” that encompasses all attractions and desires. But not the different specifications of love that Nemuri told him about, either.
There’s the love that Shouta feels when he pours his favorite creamer into his coffee.
The love when all twenty of his students pass one of his pop quizzes.
The love when he goes a full day without dealing with the snaps and flashes of the media and their paparazzi vultures.
The love when Hitoshi cries into his shoulder and admits that Shouta is the closest thing he’s ever felt to a father figure.
The love when he holds Eri in his arms for the first time and she clings to his scarf shakily.
The love when his cats knead his chest and purr.
The love when Nemuri and Emi and all their other friends invite them out for drinks.
The love when Hizashi dances with him in the kitchen, washes his back in the shower, kisses him awake in the morning, curls up on the sofa with him on their days off and gets every question right in the American pop culture categories of Jeopardy!
And there is sexual love, too. He understands it. And he doesn’t hate sex anymore, because he understands that he doesn’t need to feel that one specific love. He still likes everything that Hizashi does to him, and he likes that they can express their love for each other in this way even if he doesn’t totally feel it. Hizashi will be there to guide him through it, and he’s okay with that. He likes that.
He loves it.
So, late at night, when Eri’s fast asleep and they’ve kissed each other breathless, when Hizashi asks,
“Can I touch you?”
He doesn’t say,
“You’re my husband.”
He doesn’t say,
”Fine. Yeah, do it, whatever.”
He doesn’t say,
”It’s fine, Hizashi.”
He says “yes,” or “no,” or something along those lines. Sometimes he just wants to touch Hizashi instead. Sometimes he wants them to keep kissing until they fall asleep. On rare occasions, they break out the strap. But he communicates his feelings now, and that’s what matters.
And Hizashi’s happy.
They both are.