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soobin’s official first day in on a tuesday. he shows up an hour before practice, only a few people -including yeonjun- are already in the practice room. he bows shyly to everyone, having been introduced as the new trainee a few days before by their manager.
yeonjun is stretching so he doesn’t look up when the door opens, only focuses on bending a little more like his instructor had told him. it hurts like a bitch but whatever his instructor asks for, yeonjun delivers. he’s holding his breath when he sees brand new sneakers stop right next to him. he lets out his breath, relaxing his body when he looks up to see the brand new trainee.
soobin is tall, but not taller than yeonjun -yet. he has a pretty face and incredibly chubby cheeks that he can’t wait to squish. he’s not looking at yeonjun though, he has a small pout on and is looking around the room, he looks a little bit scared and yeonjun can only empathise. he knows how hard first days can be.
“soobin, right ?” he says, from the ground. the other boy startles and yeonjun giggles. he blushes and nods. “i’m yeonjun. you can stretch with me if you want, i’ll teach you some tricks.”
soobin hesitates for a second but he accepts, sitting down next to yeonjun. he shows him the basic stretching methods and he quickly notices just how not flexible the younger boy is. he laughs seeing the other struggle and soobin blushes hard.
“it’s okay, you can only improve from here,” he says, trying to sound reassuring.
“hyung, you’re so mean.”
soobin always comes an hour early to practice after that. he barely talks to the other trainees, gives them a hi and a nod when they pass each other in the hallways, but he always goes straight to yeonjun whenever he comes to practice. like a lost marine trying to find his way, yeonjun is his north star. the older boy always smiles brightly whenever he comes near him and greets him with a tight hug that makes them both melt inside.
yeonjun introduces him to taehyun the first time they all have practice together which happens a week after soobin arrives. he feels relieved to see they all get along. they decide to go grab a coffee after their next practice. yeonjun feels warm at the thought of being with all his favourite company friends.
a month after he arrives, soobin takes his first monthly evaluation. yeonjun waits anxiously in their empty practice room, biting at his nails. his own evaluation went well, his instructors told him they’re expecting more and more of him but he never fails to surprise them. he hopes the other boy does well, and he’s sure he will, but the first evaluation is always the hardest. he hopes soobin doesn’t give up, he has grown very attached to the younger boy in the span of only a few weeks.
he’s replying to one of his classmates when the door opens. he straightens up immediately, dropping his phone back in his pocket. soobin closes the door behind him, head low and he looks so small, yeonjun wants to hold him. he comes closer to the younger boy, trying to meet his eyes. he raises his head suddenly, startling yeonjun.
“can you help me stretch hyung ? harder than usual,” he says but it sounds more like an order than a question. and who is yeonjun to refuse choi soobin of anything ? he smiles and nods.
he grabs his hand gently, drags him to the middle of the room and sits him down. they stretch for what feels like hours, yeonjun pushing on soobin’s back for the first time and even when the younger boy whines in pain he continues telling him to push.
yeonjun learns that soobin’s hands are, like his cheeks and ears, soft. he learns that soobin has a mind of steel and when he sets himself to do something, he does it no matter how hard it is. he learns about the hard spots in his back and the place to tickle to reduce him to a giggling mess.
--
the monthly evaluations get more intense with time, there are more trainees and they’re all getting better and better. every week, some leave and some arrive. it’s terrifying but yeonjun tries not to think about it.
they’re assigned group training, the company makes up the teams and he’s grateful to have beomgyu in his. taehyun and hueningkai also end up being together, leaving soobin, the most introverted of them, with a group of four strangers.
he fits in quickly though, he follows them well, yeonjun observes. he notices the younger boy often stops them halfway through a practice round to tell them what they do or don’t do right. he hears about how annoying some of them are because they don’t listen to him when he tries to help.
“it’s seriously so annoying, like i told his annoying ass he was going a beat too fast but he didn’t even pay attention to me !” he explains, hands waving around because of how mad he is. yeonjun finds it endearing. “and when the teacher told him he was all ‘oh my god, i hadn’t noticed, i’m so sorry’ it’s so annoying !”
they’re sitting on a bench in front of a small bubble tea shop. it’s only the two of them, like most of the time lately.
“have you told the teachers ?” yeonjun asks, brushing soobin’s hair off his face. he barely notices the blush. it’s probably the cold, he thinks.
“yes and even the managers took my defense,” he answers, pouting around his straw. “i just don’t get why they won’t listen to me.”
two weeks after they start the group training, they’re asked to choose a leader for their team. yeonjun gets elected for his and he accepts it though not quite sure what to do with the title of leader. it’s an honour, of course, but it’s also a strong pressure he’s not sure he can handle right now.
he’s surprised when he comes out of the practice rooms and hears loud voices from the common room. it’s not uncommon for trainees to fight but they usually do it in the dorms and also, he’s 99% sure it’s soobin’s voice he hears. he frowns as he throws his towel over his shoulder and goes into the other room.
he finds soobin and his group but also some other trainees who have started to form a circle around them. it’s weird and yeonjun doesn’t like it one bit. he finds taehyun who’s standing close to soobin and he goes to him. he doesn’t really understand what they’re fighting about so he asks taehyun.
“he got elected as their leader except none of them voted for him, it was the instructors who chose and well, they’re not happy.” yeonjun nods, both happy and worried about the younger boy.
soobin being their leader really isn’t surprising to him. he’s a quiet observer who finds flaws in the things that seem the most perfect. he’s also really good with people and has a way of saying the most offensive things in the least offensive way, so he thinks their instructors made the right choice.
“you can’t be our leader, you’re a fucking loser !” one of them says and yeonjun’s blood boils . taehyun holds him back when he tries to get to him.
“well you must be even worse for the professionals to think i’d be a better leader than you then, fucking idiot. d’you think i want to do this ? lead a stupid asshole who thinks wearing a pink t-shirt and orange jeans is fashion, a long stick who can’t dance for shit and a child who goes to his mom whenever he has a problem ? the only one who’s worth anything is jongseong ! all of you suck and i have to try to make something nice out of this !”
and now this is surprising. soobin isn’t one to fight and even less stand up for himself. yeonjun feels proud and can’t help the smile that spread on his face. the room is quiet and taehyun and him try really hard to force back a laugh.
“now if you’re done with your bullshit, can we please go back to practice ? you’ve been practicing this song for two weeks and you still manage to be off-key when you sing it,” he adds, exasperatedly. the boys follow him in silence, ears red with embarrassment.
it’s the first time he wants to kiss him.
yeonjun learns that soobin’s head fits perfectly in the crook of his neck when he comes to cuddle him for the first time that night. he learns that soobin feels more than he shows. he learns that he cries when he’s mad and that cuddles do make him feel better. he learns that he snores in his sleep.
--
for a month now, their teacher and managers have been talking about “the final line-up”. yeonjun is so nervous, he spends every second he’s not in school in the practice room. he’s been staying more often in the dorms and less in his own house. his mom misses him, he knows and he misses her too, but every second away from the company makes him feel like he’s on the edge of a panic attack.
everyone tells him he has no reason to be worried, he’s been the top in all the rankings for the past year so there’s no way he won’t debut, but one can never be too sure. he’s already had to switch agencies once when he was incredibly close to his goal. he doesn’t want to go through the self-hatred and pain again, he doesn’t think he could take it.
plus, he’s scared he’ll debut with people he doesn’t get along with. more precisely, he’s scared he won’t debut with his friends. he’s not sure he’d be happy to debut with not at least soobin, hueningkai, taehyun and beomgyu by his side. they’ve been talking about it for months now, yeonjun feels sick at the thought of debuting without them.
they don’t announce the final line-up in front of everyone. they’re being told one by one at the end of their monthly evaluation. yeonjun is the last of the five to go and the others have all been sent into a separate room so he doesn’t know if they got in or not. he’s biting his nail when he gets called in. he almost blanks when starts but then he thinks of his 4 best friends and everything comes back to him.
they tell him he’s in the final line-up and it all feels so unreal. he doesn’t feel relieved yet, though. he only gets to breathe again when he opens the door to the other room and sees the four anxious figures waiting for him. he runs to them and it all feels so, so right.
they go out to celebrate, crash into yeonjun’s garden after his mom hugs them all tightly. he gets a bottle of soju even though he’s the only one legal yet. taehyun squeals when it goes down his throat, beomgyu pretends it doesn’t hit him and hueningkai spits it out. soobin is, well, soobin, he winces and squints his eyes and his only logical response is he immediately takes another shot.
the other boys’ parents arrive a bit later and they hide the bottle immediately only for their parents to hand them a bottle of champagne. yeonjun laughs so hard he cries.
he’s starting to be a little drunk because of the shots and the glass of champagne he just finished. his head is hanging on soobin’s shoulder as they listen to a story beomgyu’s dad tells them. they’re all laughing and soobin’s hand feels warm in his and he feels at home.
he excuses himself to go to the bathroom and after stumbling on his own feet twice he finally makes it inside the house. he walks past the kitchen where he finds his and soobin’s mom having a conversation. they’re decorating the cake they bought and yeonjun isn’t sure what washes over him but he feels like crying.
when he goes back to the table outside he goes straight to soobin, hiding his face in the crook of his neck, drowning out the rest of the conversation. he feels dizzy and all he can think about is soobin, soobin, soobin .
“are you okay, hyung ?” the younger boy asks after a few minutes. they’re now listening to hueningkai’s recreation of the fight beomgyu and taehyun had when they first met. yeonjun hums softly, moving his head closer so his lips are on the other boy’s neck. soobin shivers and once again he blames it on the cold.
yeonjun’s parents leave them their apartment for the night and they all fall asleep in the living room, cuddled up and warm, vibrant with expectations.
yeonjun learns that soobin can’t hold his liquor and that he stutters even more when he’s drunk. he learns that he hugs his mom with his arms around her waist and his head on her shoulder, as if he was trying to make himself smaller. he learns that he really likes the feeling of his large hand on his smaller waist.
--
soobin’s birthday is coming up and yeonjun has decided to finally confess his feelings to the younger boy. he’s not sure what’s going to come out of it but their debut is in a couple of months and it wouldn’t feel right to take such a big step without being honest to one of the most important people in his life.
taehyun, beomgyu and hueningkai have helped him set up a perfect day for the younger boy where he’ll finally be able to confess to him. he’s nervous but also excited at the thought of maybe, finally calling the younger boy his.
he’s put on his nicest outfit, picked out the prettiest flowers he could find and pulled off the best make-up he could. he knocks on soobin’s door at 4pm, like agreed. the birthday boy had voiced his desire to meet yeonjun earlier but couldn’t because his entire family had come over to see him.
soobin is wearing a blue dress shirt and tight jeans and yeonjun visibly gasps at the sight of the other boy. he’s wearing light eyeliner that he can tell beomgyu helped him with and a low choker. he looks so pretty yeonjun is going to die. soobin blushes under the other boy’s intense gaze and he whines.
“hyung,” he hides his face in his hands “you’re staring.”
“sorry,” yeonjun clears his throat. “you look beautiful.” soobin’s face turns a shade darker. “happy birthday !”
they go to soobin’s favourite ice cream shop first and yeonjun lets him choose all the toppings he wants. he even lets the younger boy bully him when he gets some mint choco flavoured for him.
“you know it really wouldn’t hurt you to try another flavour,” he says with a look of disgust on his face.
“what if it does ?” yeonjun asks, dramatically. soobin rolls his eyes.
they walk around the streets, stopping every time soobin sees a shop he likes. he tries on different outfits all afternoon and yeonjun tells him he looks good in all of them because he does . they try on matching t-shirts that he ends up getting them despite his tight budget. he doesn’t care, soobin is worth every penny.
yeonjun takes them to the river when it starts getting dark and he knows he doesn’t have much time before it starts getting too cold for them to handle which simultaneously means he doesn’t have much time left to confess. they sit down and soobin is munching on a corn dog when he decides to go for it.
“i’ve been meaning to tell you something,” he says, looking at soobin expectantly. soobin turns to meet his eyes, looking rather surprised. this is it , he thinks.
he thinks of soobin and of how he was shorter than him when they first met, he thinks of the first time soobin opened to him and told him he never really had a friend before him, he thinks of all the time he cuddled him or any of the other boys because they were feeling down, he thinks of his voice when he sings and of the look on his face when he practices.
he thinks of everything that makes him himself and of how much he loves him. yeah, he’s doing this.
“i’m in love with you,” and it’s not exactly all he wanted to or even what he had planned to say but it sums it up and it gets a gasp out of soobin so he thinks it’s enough for now. “it’s okay if you don’t feel the same, but i just wanted to let you know.”
soobin stares at him for a few seconds, looking all kinds of shocked. it would be okay, he thinks , if he broke my heart.
“are you serious right now ?” yeonjun tilts his head, not sure what he means. “hyung, how could i not be in love with you ?”
his chest feels so warm he thinks he might burst. they smile so hard their cheeks hurt. yeonjun leans in close and after soobin gives him a small nod he leans in and kisses him.
it feels exhilarating to kiss him, to kiss choi soobin . he thinks this is his only chance to ever kiss the boy in public like this. he guesses they get a few stares but when soobin bites his bottom lip, he doesn’t find it in himself to care.
they walk back to yeonjun’s house holding hands and in every small street, he pushes the boy against a wall and kisses him until they’re both giggling into each other’s mouth. it’s so cold outside they end up running back home, finally letting go of each other’s hands to race to yeonjun’s house. the older boy lets him win because it’s his birthday and because it gives him a reason to kiss him.
yeonjun’s mom greets them and hugs soobin to wish him a happy birthday. it’s a strange feeling, to see the two people he loves the most hugging. it overwhelms him and he doesn’t think he’ll ever get over it.
“did you have a good day ?” he asks soobin once they’ve both showered and they’re warmly tucked under yeonjun’s covers. the younger boy looks at him with a fondness he doesn’t think should be allowed. he nods, face red even in the dim light of the moon.
“this was the best birthday ever, hyung. thank you.”
he learns what soobin tastes like (a mix of mint and strawberry because of his chapstick). he learns the little sounds he makes when yeonjun bites his lip or kisses him for too long. he learns the way his hands grip at his neck or at his hair. he learns the way “baby” and “boyfriend” sound in his voice.
--
they’ve moved into a new dorm, it’s only the five of them and it’s small but it’s home. it’s nice because it means he can share a bed with soobin without raising too many suspicions. they haven’t told their managers yet, don’t know if they will. they haven’t talked about it yet.
soobin’s introduction film is coming out tomorrow. no matter how many times he tells the members he’s okay, the state of his lips and fingers give him away. he’s been eating less, yeonjun has noticed, and despite how much it worries him, he knows there’s not much he can do.
yeonjun’s teaser came out two days ago and it was nerve wracking for all five of them. the company had told him to stay away from social media for the first days and he had, soobin had done all the research and told him everyone had loved him. he felt content.
but , in the midst of all the research, soobin found that netizens are much crueler than he had thought. he’d tried to tell yeonjun both good and bad things that they had said about him but he had read such terrible things he wasn’t able to talk about them and he didn’t think telling his boyfriend would help him any way.
soobin spent most of the past 24h in the practice room, avoiding his phone and the members as well as he could. he kissed yeonjun goodbye this morning and told him he needed to be alone for a little and so he let him practice all day. except it’s been over 12h and to say yeonjun is worried is an understatement.
so he decides to go meet his boyfriend. he puts on a mask and a beanie, remembering that he’s no longer a stranger and that anyone in the street could be a potential fan. he orders fried chicken and makes his way to the company, enjoying the short walk. it’s still cold, the january snow hasn’t melted yet but the moon is high and bright in the sky. he makes it there in about 10 minutes, almost at the same time as the delivery man from whom he receives the fried chicken with frozen hands.
he makes it to the practice room after riding the elevator and he can hear the loud music coming from the room from the other side of the hallway. he walks to the room, feeling happy at the thought of finally seeing his boyfriend after a long day. plus, it’s almost midnight meaning they can watch the younger boy’s video together as soon as it’s released.
when he opens the door though, he understands that things won’t be as smooth. soobin looks exhausted, small and shaky figure standing in the middle of the room, eyes closed and hardly following the beat of the song.
“baby ?” he says, after noticing the other boy hasn’t noticed him yet. he startles and turns around, eyes wide in surprise. he frowns as soon as he notices it’s yeonjun and the older boy’s hearts squeezes, not expecting this reaction from his boyfriend. “are you okay ?”
“what are you doing here ?” is all he answers, his voice trying to sound mad but because of the exhaustion he just sounds sad. he turns off the music.
yeonjun finally moves, understanding the situation. he puts the chicken down, taking off his coat and scarf quickly before walking to soobin. he shows him his softest smile and gives him his hand. the younger boy looks suspicious but after a few seconds, he takes it. yeonjun drags him to the corner of the room and forces him to sit down, starting open the different chicken boxes.
“that’s a lot of food, hyung,” he whines lowly.
“yes it is, because you’ve been practicing hard all day and you have to eat okay ? it’s important baby, you know that.” he says with the softest voice he can muster, trying not to let the worry be heard. soobin doesn’t answer but still only grabs a few chicken pieces into his plate. yeonjun gives him a look and places more into it. “eat,” he says it like an order this time.
“i’m not hungry,” he doesn’t look at yeonjun.
“i don’t care, if you’re not hungry. you’ve been in here for hours and i’m sure you haven’t eaten anything so you’re going to eat as much as i tell you to. understood ?” soobin looks at him with small eyes, trying to find the strength in him to fight back but it’s just not there.
they eat in silence and with every minute that passes yeonjun grows more and more worried. soobin doesn’t look well, yeonjun doesn’t think he’s ever seen him like this.
“hey,” he says once they’re both done and soobin seems to have regained some colour. he looks up to him and his eyes are so sad it breaks his heart. he moves the boxes and comes closer to his boyfriend, grabbing his hands and moving them to his lap. “what’s wrong ?” he asks and it’s all it takes for soobin to break down. “oh, baby come here” he says as soon as the other boy starts crying.
he grabs yeonjun’s waist strongly and hides his face in the crook of his neck, sobbing hard. the older boy just rubs his back softly, letting him cry all he needs. after a few minutes he calms down but doesn’t move, finding comfort in his boyfriend’s arms.
“i’m so scared, hyung,” he whispers.
“scared of what, baby ?” he’s caressing his hair in an attempt to ground him.
“of not being enough. what if they hate me ? what if i have to leave you guys ?” his voice breaks and so does yeonjun’s heart. he gently grabs soobin’s face, bringing it in front of his so he can look at him in the eyes.
“choi soobin, you are more than enough. you are the most wonderful person i know and i am so excited for the world to finally meet you, for them all to finally see the most hardworking, talented and beautiful person in the universe. there’s nothing in you that isn’t good enough, god, soobin you’re so much more than that.”
he starts crying again, hiding his face in his chest this time and yeonjun holds him tight. it takes another 10 minutes for soobin to finally calm down and by then he’s almost asleep on the older boy’s shoulder. yeonjun takes out his phone to text their manager to ask him to come get them when he notices the time : 00:05am.
“soobinnie !” he says, startling the younger boy who looks at him with tired eyes. “it’s out !” and that seems to wake him up.
they watch the video on yeonjun’s phone and he’s so proud of his boyfriend he feels like he’s going to implode. he tackles him to the ground and kisses his face until all soobin can do is giggle and beg him to stop because they need to go home.
“i’m so proud of you,” he says as he holds the younger boy’s hand in the agency’s parking lot, waiting for their manager. soobin blushes and leaves a small peck on his cheeks, not wanting to take any unnecessary risks. he’ll give yeonjun all the kisses he deserves when they’re home. “do you want me to check the comments ?” he asks once they’re inside the car, safe from the cold. soobin hesitates but nods so yeonjun opens twitter and looks for his boyfriend’s name.
he sees at least 5 ‘soobin pics’ accounts (and makes a mental note to follow them with his secret account later), his name is trending and everyone is so nice he feels himself melt at how fond he is for the other boy. ‘ he’s so cute, he looks like a bunny ! i love him already’ , ‘ he’s so pretty, what the hell do they feed them at bighit ?’, ‘i can’t wait to see more of him i can tell he’s going to be my bias, hehe’, ‘he’s so pretty ㅠㅠ’.
“so ?” soobin asks, anxiously. yeonjun looks up at him with stars in his eyes.
“they love you.”
yeonjun learns that sometimes, even the leader needs a leader. he learns that the younger boy shuts down when he hits his lowest, pushing everyone away. he learns that the world loves him almost as much as he does and he’s so excited to see him be adored by everyone.
--
when the mc says their name he honestly can’t believe it. he looks around him and it all happens so fast, the confettis which make them jump, the hug where he grabs beomgyu and soobin pulls out to accept the trophy, hugging taehyun and being held by hueningkai, soobin seeing him cry and hugging him tight and soon it’s just them on stage. it’s overwhelming and exciting and yeonjun hopes this is only the first time he feels this way.
everyone congratulates them on the way back to their changing rooms, he receives texts from his trainee friends and his mom calls him to cry with them. it’s all very nice and it feels like a dream come true. their first win, one week after debuting. it feels unreal. he exchanges a look with soobin through the mirror as the other boy gets his makeup removed. ‘i love you’, ‘i love you more’.
they make it back to their dorm and have dinner with their managers and a part of their staff. soobin and yeonjun share a bottle of soju but still sit across from each other, not trusting their tipsy selves with each other.
“please keep them apart,” taehyun asks beomgyu when the two oldest members start holding hand over the table, too absorbed in each other to notice the weird stares from their managers.
this isn’t unusual, yeonjun thinks. taehyun and hyuka are constantly holding hands, hell even soobin and hueningkai are always cuddling. but he guesses the fond stares he gives his boyfriend might be lacking in the others’ interactions.
as soon as the staff is out though, yeonjun jumps on his boyfriend and finally , finally kisses him. they smile into it as the three other boys whine and push them into the bedroom, not wanting to see their hyungs being all lovey-dovey in front of them. they kiss softly on soobin’s bed for what feels like hours until they’re out of breath and a sound comes out from yeonjun’s mouth.
it’s been happening more and more, their make out sessions growing more and more intense with time but it’s not like their dorm is private enough to help them with that. thankfully, soobin’s parents are out of town this week-end, going to jeju to visit some relatives. their apartment is on the other side of seoul but it’s actually closer from the broadcasting buildings so the staff has allowed them to spend the night there after their sunday schedule.
they haven’t talked about anything that might or could happen and yeonjun doesn’t feel like bringing up the subject because he doesn’t want to rush soobin into anything. he knows his boyfriend is shy about these things, hell it took him a year to accept being shirtless around yeonjun. so he’ll wait for the other boy to come to him.
“should we go back ?” he asks after staring at his boyfriend’s pretty face for a moment. soobin pecks him one last time before nodding.
they end up watching a movie together as a celebration, all cuddled up in the small couch in the living room. taehyun falls asleep in his arms and yeonjun carries him to bed. when they’re all asleep, yeonjun feels proud of his younger brothers. he falls asleep with a smile on his face that night.
sunday comes faster than expected and soon it’s only the two of them in their manager’s car. yeonjun’s ears are still red after beomgyu had whispered ‘don’t forget to use protection’ and winking at him before running back to the dorms. he’s pretty sure he slipped a condom in his pocket and although he doesn’t know where he got it, he’s too scared to check. maybe after all he’s the one who’s least prepared for this.
in theory, he is. of course he wants to do this with soobin. but at the same time, sometimes even making out with the younger boy overwhelms him and leaves him completely starstruck. he’s not sure he’ll survive going all the way.
“hyung ? we’re here,” soobin’s soft voice interrupts his thoughts and he blushes as if the younger boy could read them. he nods and gets down after him.
soobin’s family apartment is on the top floor so they ride the elevator in silence, the younger seemingly lost in his thoughts for which yeonjun is grateful as it gives him time to calm down and cleanse his thoughts.
they make small talk about the new decoration as they unpack their bags and put the food they bought in the cupboards and fridge. yeonjun sends one last text to their manager to tell them they’re settled and won’t be going out again before he turns it off to fully focus on his boyfriend.
said boyfriend is quietly sitting on his bed, looking pensive and it’s the second time today, yeonjun wonders if he should say something. he decides he will if it happens a third time, he knows soobin usually tells him whenever something’s wrong so he won’t push it. he reaches for his laptop, unlocking it and opening netflix, bending over soobin’s desk.
“what do you want to watch, baby ?” he asks, looking through the trends.
“my parents aren’t home,” is all he answers. yeonjun hums.
“is that a drama ? i’ll check if they have it.” he answers, oblivious to soobin’s intense stare.
“hyung,” his boyfriend tries again. yeonjun turns around to face him and the look on his face is one he’s never seen. it sends shivers down his spine. “my parents aren’t home,” he repeats, voice wavering a little.
- oh. his parents aren’t home. he turns red and he feels silly for a second but soobin’s face is soon the same shade as him so it helps him relax. he closes his laptop slowly, ready to be stopped by soobin if ever he changes his mind. it doesn’t come though and yeonjun is somewhat relieved.
“what do you want to do then ?” he asks, not wanting to tease him but wanting to make sure they’re thinking the same thing.
soobin takes a deep breath and reaches for yeonjun’s belt, pulling him away from his desk and moving him between his legs. he looks up at him from where he’s sitting and the older boy is positive he’s having a heart attack.
“you,” is all he says and it’s enough to break yeonjun.
yeonjun learns what soobin sounds like when he’s sent over the edge. he learns the way his back arches and his teeth bite yeonjun’s skin. he learns the words to say to make him feel even better. he learns that he has a mole at the bottom of his back.
--
they fall into an easy pattern of training, resting and coming back. they move out of their dorm into a bigger one just before their second come back. they have three separate rooms and although soobin and beomgyu are official roommates soobin spends more time with his boyfriend than his best friend.
they learn to find time for each other, to make time for each other and it works better than they thought it would. they still haven’t told their managers or company but they don’t think it’s necessary. they’re very happy as it is and see no use in risking their little cloud of happiness.
soobin is laying on yeonjun’s bed as the older boy doodles in one of his notebooks.
“hyung ?” he asks and his boyfriend only hums back in response. “the company told me music bank would be interested in having me as an mc,” he tells him shyly. yeonjun spins around, wide eyes and dropped jaw.
“seriously ?” he almost screams and soobin shushes him with a smile on his face. “sorry, sorry. but really ?”
“yes, they just told me today,” he answers with a blush. yeonjun wants to kiss him all over.
“what did you say ?” he asks, moving to sit next to his boyfriend.
“well, they still have other people in mind aside from me but i said that i’d agree if they chose me.”
yeonjun cups his face and kisses his nose.
“i’m sure they’ll choose you.”
and they do.
soobin starts a month later and he’s so anxious he barely sleeps. yeonjun keeps him from shutting down and helps him through it all. he watches the show excitedly and even surprises him with hueningkai. he’s so tired he sleeps all day.
he starts going every sunday and it becomes a routine at the dorm to turn on the tv and watch him with the other boys. they hug him when he comes back, tease him about the different mistakes he makes and cuddle him when he naps on the couch.
except with every week that passes, yeonjun can’t help but notice how much other idols seem to love his boyfriend. it starts with small, scripted flirting and it slowly grows into more physical things like small hugs and even shamelessly checking the younger boy out. and he knows he doesn’t have a claim on him, hell they probably don’t even mean any harm but it sets yeonjun so off he almost stops watching the music show.
he doesn’t tell soobin because he knows it’s silly and he doesn’t want to upset him or anything. so he keeps it in, he rolls his eyes whenever an idol even looks at soobin and he kind of drowns out the sound whenever his boyfriend tells him about what his sunbae did or didn’t do with him. he doesn’t think soobin notices and if he does, he doesn’t say anything.
he’s been more and more out lately, spending as much time in the studio or the dance practice as possible. it’s unconscious really, he’s been very inspired and he knows with their upcoming comeback he won’t have as much time to work on his personal tracks.
one night though, he comes home later than usual. it’s 4am when he makes it back to the dorm and he can’t wait to meet soobin in his bed and sleep . except when he passes the living room, he notices his boyfriend curled up on the couch.
“soobinnie ?” he asks and the younger boy looks up from his phone. he locks it and gets up, going over to his boyfriend. yeonjun leans in to kiss him but soobin pulls away and anxiety takes over him. “what’s wrong ?” he asks, trying not to sound or look too panicked. soobin doesn’t answer for a little and yeonjun braces himself for the worst.
“i should be asking you that,” and it relieves him to know soobin sounds as nervous as he feels.
“what do you mean ?” he asks and he hates all of it so much, he’s exhausted and all he wants is to hug the younger boy. he feels like crying.
“you’ve been acting weird with me hyung.. you know what i mean.” except yeonjun really doesn’t. there are tears in his eyes before he can even notice them and he’s glad for the dim lights. he shakes his head, not trusting himself to speak. soobin sighs and sits down on the couch, making a sign for yeonjun to follow him. he sits across from him longing for any type of physical contact with his boyfriend but it never comes. “you like, barely listen to me it’s like i annoy you and you spend all your time in the studio avoiding me. is something wrong ?”
it relieves him, kind of, to know nothing's actually wrong. it helps him calm down and he refuses to be the one crying if he was the one who upset soobin. he takes a deep breath.
“no baby, i’m so sorry. can i hold your hand ?” he asks, waiting for soobin to nod, which he does after a few moments. he feels better, more grounded as soon as his large hand fits in his tinier one. “i wasn’t avoiding you at the studio, i’ve just been working on a few songs. i promise i’m not avoiding you,” he tells him and soobin looks a little relieved, nodding slowly. “and you know i always listen to you baby,” he tells him truthfully.
“i told you i went to the zoo with taemin sunbaenim and you didn’t even react,” he says with a pout.
“you went to the zoo with taemin sunbaenim ?” he asks, surprised. soobin gives him a look and he realises. “oh,” is all he says. “it’s, uh, it’s stupid,” he lets go of his boyfriend’s hand to hide his face in a pillow. he whines a little.
“tell me,” he nudges him. yeonjun sighs but doesn’t move his head from the pillow.
“it’s just, i’ve been a little uh, i don’t want to say jealous because that sounds wrong it’s just that, well, you’re you, and all the boys are always looking at you and flirting with you and i don’t-i don’t like that you know ?” he mumbles.
“i have no idea what you just said, hyung,” he tells him. he reluctantly moves his head but still doesn’t meet the younger boy’s eyes.
“i was jealous of all the boys around you. it was stupid. i’m sorry.”
there’s a silence and for a few seconds yeonjun thinks ‘ that’s it, he’s going to hate me, he’s going to think i’m the worst boyfriend in the world’. but what comes is a giggle. he looks up in surprise.
“you were jealous of all the boys around me ? hyung, are you serious ?” he asks and he doesn’t look mad anymore. yeonjun just nods, cheeks slowly turning red. “this is the funniest thing ever, why on earth are you jealous of them ?” he blushes even harder. there’s no actual reason to be jealous, he just doesn’t like the fact that they don’t know he and yeonjun are, well, dating.
“they keep on flirting with you, it’s annoying,” he mumbles. soobin smiles brightly.
“hyung, i don’t even notice they’re flirting with me half the time. any time any of them says anything to me all i think is ‘ i need to tell yeonjun-hyung about this !’ . so imagine my reaction when i got back here and you didn’t even listen to me,” he says with a pout.
yeonjun feels so stupid. he leans forward and hugs his boyfriend, feeling sorry beyond words. soobin hugs him back and he feels so undeserving.
“i’m sorry, i’m so sorry baby. i was selfish.”
“it’s alright, hyung. but talk to me next time.”
they hug for a little and yeonjun feels himself doze off but before he can, he pulls away.
“now tell me about your zoo experience with taemin-subaenim.”
and soobin laughs loud and clear, almost waking the younger boys up.
yeonjun learns that soobin is so honest he doesn’t have to try. he learns that soobin forgives fast but doesn’t forget. he learns that he loves yeonjun much more than he thought he did. he learns he’s not sure he deserves it.
--
there’s not a moment he can pinpoint where he realised he wanted to spend the rest of his life with soobin.
it’s when he learns the younger boy’s favourite colour (blue and yellow. he learns it when soobin forces him to stay up with him at 4am to buy a limited edition of his favourite sweater in those colours although they have an early schedule the next morning. “i want to sleep soobinnie,” he tells him with his head tucked under the younger boy’s chin. “no, hyung we have to get it!”. they end up both falling asleep and when yeonjun wakes up it’s 4:09 and he curses before he opens his boyfriend’s laptop and manages to buy one in extremis. soobin is so grateful he cuddles him for the entire day even though the way he lit up after yeonjun told him was much more than enough for a thanks.).
it’s when yeonjun injures his back and has to go to the hospital where they tell him he won’t be able to attend his first award show and he learns just how much he can rely on soobin (all the younger members are crying because they don’t think it’s even worth going if yeonjun isn’t going to be there. the oldest boy scolds them and tells them that if they don’t go he’ll never talk to them again. they nod, reluctantly and leave to give him and his boyfriend a moment. soobin has been holding strong, not one tear on his cheeks. he holds yeonjun’s hands and that’s when the older boy finally breaks. soobin holds him and he stays strong, for the two of them.).
it’s when he travels with soobin for the first time and learns just how much his boyfriend loves to visit new places (they’re still in the plane, yeonjun is half asleep on his shoulder when the younger boy starts shaking his arms to wake him up. he whines in response, not feeling like being awake yet, they still have an hour to go. “hyung ! look !” he whispers excitedly and he can’t help the smile that breaks his face. he sighs and forces himself to open his eyes and the view is the most beautiful he’s ever seen : soobin is looking at the sunrise with such excitement in his eyes, yeonjun thinks he’s never been more in love.).
it’s when soobin comes out to his parents and he learns how much they mean to him (he knows the younger boy has a complicated relationship with his parents. they don’t approve of everything he does and they haven’t always been the most supportive towards him. but he also knows soobin craves for their approval and love. when he tells them about his sexuality and about yeonjun he almost throws up from the stress. and against all odds, they accept him, even better, they love him and tell him they don’t care as long as he’s happy. and when he comes home to the arms of his boyfriend that night, he thinks he is as happy as he will ever be.).
it’s when they go on holidays in paris during an unannounced schedule so they can walk freely around the streets and he learns he wants to travel the world with his boyfriend (they’re walking next to the opera de paris , hand in hand and soobin is telling him some historical facts about the place. they’re walking to rent a bike so they can ride them next to the quai de seine and he feels so full of love. they bike until their legs hurt and they end up taking the subway to go back to their hotel room. they kiss under the eiffel tower. they drink champagne and make love. all is good and yeonjun can’t get enough of him.).
it’s when they have their first big fight and he learns that you really only know what you have once you lose it (they’ve been under so much pressure in the past few months it’s almost unbearable for any of them. yeonjun is modelling for the first time and he’s lucky enough to do it at the new york fashion week. it all feels unreal and he would be happy had it not been for the fight he’d just had with soobin. they haven’t talked in two days and he feels like a part of him is missing. it takes them another three days to find their way back to each other. they talk and they find new ways to make things work. he feels like he can breathe again once soobin’s lips crash on his again after a long, painful week.).
it’s all those times and all the times in between, it’s the moments he spends the closest to soobin and the ones he spends the furthest from him, it’s his presence and his absence, it’s all he is, all he isn’t and all he becomes, it’s what he lacks and everything he makes up for, it’s all he gives yeonjun and all he keeps for himself, it’s all that and even more. after almost 5 years of relationship, without knowing for how long the longing feeling has tucked itself in his ribcage, he wakes up in the middle of the night and when he looks next to him and finds his boyfriend awake, reading a book, he realises soobin is the love of his life.