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“The stars are beautiful tonight, don’t you agree?”
Jamil’s eyes stay glued on the night sky, not wanting to spare a single glance to the person that just interrupted his moment of peace in the balcony. There was no need to look when he could recognize the owner of the voice from a mile away.
“What are you doing here.” It comes out less as an inquiry and more as a demand for an answer, but Jamil knows better than to expect a proper response if it’s Azul of all people he is dealing with.
“I’m fairly positive that’s not an appropriate question for a guest you welcomed into your dorm.” Azul stops a few steps behind him, maintaining a distance just enough for Jamil to not feel the familiar prickle on his skin whenever Azul gets too close. He has never stopped to think whether the unpleasant sensation is coming from irritation or something completely different that he refuses to place a name on, although the answer is irrelevant when the feeling of Azul getting into his nerves on a daily basis manages to triumph over his other emotions.
“I wonder if there is something wrong with keeping the birthday celebrant company?” Azul inquires innocently, but his knowing tone tells Jamil he wasn’t really looking for an answer to something so obvious.
And what Azul doesn’t need is exactly what Jamil serves him on a silver platter.
“Surely there is,” he turns to face Azul with a scowl he has been holding back for a while to emphasize the next words coming out of his mouth, “especially when the company is unwelcome.”
Leave me alone , he practically screams.
“Oh, that’s quite a shame.” Azul replies without missing a beat, choosing to stand right next to him out of all the spots in the balcony he could occupy. Azul looks up at the stars with an unwavering smile as if he was never told off. “You wouldn’t mind if it’s me, I hope.”
Jamil doesn't budge from his position, face placid with a telltale hint of annoyance in his slightly furrowed eyebrows. For a moment, he thinks of returning to the lounge, using his excuse as being the birthday celebrant to leave the comforts of the balcony since the others may be looking for him, but then he has to deal with the ruckus that’s taking place in his own damn birthday party.
He weighs his options. One is obviously better than the other by far.
Jamil follows Azul's line of sight. “Do what you want.”
“Why, thank you.”
There was nothing for Azul to be thankful for, he would still stay regardless of Jamil's reaction. It was simply out of courtesy. Jamil says nothing back.
The overlapping conversations in the lounge meld into white noise as silence stretched between the both of them. For some odd reason, Jamil found a lot more comfort in that moment compared to when he was alone just earlier. Was there something about Azul’s presence that puts him at ease despite being the very reason for his constant annoyance in class? He doesn’t dare place a label on it, otherwise he might find himself continuously falling down the rabbit hole without a way to get back up.
The false sense of security he subjects onto himself from the lack of label does not really do much because in the end he is just too stubborn to admit something he is already aware of for a long time.
“If I may ask,” Azul’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts, “do you have any plans after graduation?”
"That is none of your business."
Jamil says it as a matter of fact without the intention to drive him away, but from how Azul flinches ever so slightly at his response, it gives off the impression that his tactless words were designed to cut.
And it affected him more deeply than Jamil thought it would.
“Understandable,” Azul’s tone is clipped, the cut starting to sting as he leans further to the railing, “that was rude of me to ask.”
Jamil raises an eyebrow. It's not like Azul to stop digging into the matter so early in the interrogation. Is this Azul's attempt to be less annoying just because it's his birthday? He is so used to Azul constantly pushing his buttons that it makes him feel so uneasy when the irritation he expects to feel isn't coming at all.
“Well...” Jamil trails off, attempting to answer the question against his better judgment, the words he wanted to say remaining stuck in his throat. He was so sure he managed to say the exact same thing to Trey-senpai a year ago without breaking a sweat.
Not counting the time Azul witnessed his lowest point firsthand, he realizes he has never opened up to him. It’s a lot more difficult than he anticipated.
“I just want to travel alone. To experience the freedom I never had.” He forces himself to speak despite his throat running dry. “It honestly doesn’t sound like a lot, but it means so much to me and I am already given the opportunity, so I’ll make the most out of it.”
If Azul noticed how Jamil’s voice cracked every now and then, he doesn’t comment on it. “Without a way to contact you, I assume."
“Obviously. What would be the point of leaving if I’m within reach?” Jamil sighs. “And it’s not like I’m going to disappear forever. I have to go back at some point, though I’m not sure how long I’ll take.”
Jamil doesn’t know why he felt the need to clarify how long he will be gone, though it seemed to satisfy Azul when his shoulders loosened a bit.
“That isn’t something I was expecting at all, though it does sound like you at the same time.” Azul’s eyes are on him, but they are distant, seeing everything except what is directly in front of him. Jamil subconsciously wonders if Azul is envisioning what the future is going to be like.
“The thought of you being gone makes me a bit lonely, I admit.”
Jamil is usually quick on the uptake, but it’s only in that moment it dawns on him why Azul has been strangely open that night.
Azul wasn’t trying to be less infuriating on purpose during Jamil’s birthday for the sake of his sanity.
Azul chose that moment in particular to risk whatever is left in their camaraderie, if there was even any to begin with, to make it clear where Jamil stands in his life.
Of course Azul had to be straightforward in the most roundabout manner possible. Since when was he not ambiguous?
Jamil’s resolve almost crumbles upon the realization, the emotions he has contained for so long threatening to spill out, but the rational side of him urges not to give in so quickly, serving as a reminder that he has kept his emotions in check for so long he can’t afford to fail now.
By instinct, he puts his guard up again.
“There’s no reason for you to feel that way. Jade and Floyd will most likely remain by your side even after graduation, and it’s not like you’re going to be separated from your family...” The words spill out of Jamil’s mouth before he could even think about it. He tries to stay quiet but his mouth refuses to comply. “For someone surrounded by the ones dear to him, you easily get lonely—”
“Oh, I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but you’re sorely mistaken.” Azul cuts Jamil off as he grabs his wrist, the subtle lines in the corners of his eyes tightening.
It’s about time we put an end to this charade, Azul’s eyes turn to slits, grip firm. Frankly speaking, acting clueless doesn’t suit you.
Jamil swallows down the lump forming in his throat, wincing at how dry his mouth was. The atmosphere begins to get heavier from the weight of their unspoken thoughts, and the longer they stay this way the more difficult it becomes for him to breathe.
Azul’s presence feels too natural at this point that he unknowingly found his place in Jamil’s life. Azul has been constantly there for him, Jamil sometimes takes it for granted and eventually forgets the value of having someone by his side who can read him like an open book and make him feel honestly seen, except the pages are so crumpled and delicate and torn that the tiniest mistake will only serve to damage it further. All they have been doing the entire time is maintaining a certain distance as they dance around each other in fear that stepping closer will destroy whatever is going on between them, just like how the pages are already beyond repair.
Azul has seen him at his lowest point, so why is he so willing to risk it all for someone so battered when he has a lot of options out there he would be better off choosing? No matter how hard he tries to come up with a reason, nothing comes to mind. Jamil can’t understand.
And out of all the things Jamil could do in response, he chose to step on Azul's sincerity and crush it to pieces like it meant nothing to him when it's actually the opposite.
A sharp pang pierces through Jamil’s chest, and he absolutely hates how he is completely aware that it’s from immense guilt, because he knows that bearing the knowledge of where the pain stems from makes everything hurt all the more.
It has to be Azul of all people who is capable of drawing out the emotions he always tries to push down.
“It’s true that I hold them dear, though there are times when you long for someone who is not by your side. Can’t that be considered as loneliness?” Azul pauses, his stare no longer distant as his eyes briefly roamed around Jamil’s face. There is a certain kind of gentleness plastered in Azul’s features that Jamil has never seen before, and in the back of his mind he wishes Azul would just tell him what he sees in him that he himself can’t, then maybe he would learn to appreciate himself more. To give himself more credit for everything he has done.
“Though I’m sure you know the answer to that. There was no need for me to spell it out, my apologies.” Azul lets go of his wrist and goes back to his usual expression. The irritating kind. As if he didn’t allow himself to be so vulnerable just moments ago.
“It wouldn’t be wrong of me to assume you feel the same way.”
Azul’s tone returns to being as insufferable and confident as he could be, but his eyes are uncharacteristically soft as they are fixed on Jamil, shining under the night sky with a silent plea for reassurance that even Jamil finds it difficult to find it in himself to reply, any quip he attempts to come up with immediately dying down at his throat before he even manages to open his mouth.
He could excuse himself any moment now and say he has disappeared from the party longer than anticipated, giving himself a chance to escape from a conversation that’s slowly sucking out the last bits of his rational judgement.
But his feet are firmly planted on the ground like concrete, as if they’re mocking him for planning to shy away like a coward from Azul who was being sincere for once.
And when it comes to Azul, Jamil wants to show how he could be anything but a coward.
“You’re right, Azul.” He whispers softly, saying his name for the first time that night. He makes sure not to miss the way Azul’s breath hitches, committing the scene in front of him into his memory. Jamil turns back to the sky. “The stars really are beautiful tonight.”
He trusts Azul would understand.
Although Jamil is not looking at him right now, he senses the smile gracing his lips. Azul takes a step closer, and Jamil basks in his warmth.