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Xiao wasn’t an easily irritable person. Most people thought he was, his chronic resting bitch face being one of the factors.
Another one of the reasons why people found him intimidating the moment they stepped foot on his apartment was because, most of the time, they were accompanied by no other than his roommate Venti.
Venti wasn’t the problem, they’ve met years ago and got along just fine, they would call each other friends, maybe even use the term best friends from time to time.
What actually was the problem was how Venti behaved when his friends were there.
Venti was gay, which wasn’t Xiao’s business. He didn’t have any problem with that, he knew that that Venti was gay before they started sharing floor, maybe one of the first facts he knew about Venti. But in the last few months it has been more and more difficult to go with that.
Mostly because at the moment he was trying to study, and Venti and one of his friends were a few feet away watching a movie, completely wrapped all over each other.
They were laughing at something, and Xiao had to use all his might to not shift his attention from his book. He not only had midterm in a few weeks, but he had to be on top of lectures above all. No movie or any of Venti’s friends could distract him from it.
But Venti could.
He finally gave in when the friend got up from the couch to go to the bathroom that Xiao got his eyes away from the book to see his roommate, stretched out on the couch with tears of laughter and face red. What was so funny? He wasn’t listening. He felt something inside his stomach, and tried not to think of it. He just wanted to study. The problem wasn’t Venti, but the company.
Also, was it that common that gay men only had hot friends? Were all gay so touchy with each other? Xiao wasn’t the kind of person to touch people, so to only think about that made him uncomfortable. Unless it was Venti. He got used to him by now, and it was rather nice, but Xiao thinks he may be touch starved at that point.
Xiao knew when guys were hot, or at least conventionally attractive. He was straight as far as he knew, but he had eyes. After living with Venti he had his fair share of any kind of dudes in the apartment. They didn’t do anything while he was in, and he was eternally grateful for it. He didn’t know if he would be able to stand listening to Venti… doing that with a random guy. Or just doing that. He was getting out of track.
When Venti’s friend came back (not that it mattered anyway), Venti waited for the other to sit with him on the couch so he could rest his head on the other’s shoulder to keep watching the movie.
Venti always told Xiao it was all platonic with his friends, but no matter what, to Xiao everything felt different when it was with Venti.
Xiao once again got his eyes to the book. He now forgot what he was even reading about.
—
Since Venti was the first openly gay person he knew, he didn’t know if all gays were like him.
Venti tried to justify everything he did with the fact that he was gay, as matter of fact that he usually quoted Mean Girls’ “too gay to function”, and to Xiao it didn’t really matter, he thought his sense of humor was just that way.
But was it normal for a gay guys to bring literally every day someone different to the house, and make them eyes so he could get away with favours? He knew that tactic very well himself, as Venti did that quite a lot on his “useless gay” moments. But it was different to another gay guy. Didn’t Venti know what kind of meaning that would have to another gay person?
Xiao was lucky he was straight, so he couldn’t fall for it. Or so he wished.
But it was because he was a good friend, not because Venti’s eyes kept saying “Please, please?” before Xiao would give in. He would do anything for Venti, even if that meant enduring with all his friends and maybe boyfriends.
He never really asked him about any boyfriend, actually. Maybe they were all his boyfriends. There’s people who are into polyamory so that could be a thing too. He then felt that thing on his chest. He hated that.
He was very accepting, so he couldn’t understand why Venti having one or more boyfriends bothered him. He was kind of annoying when he was with them, but he was also that annoying in the sense it was his way of showing love. He did that all the time when watching movies with Xiao too. So what was the problem?
Xiao thought he may be worried about Venti getting hurt. Venti was easy-going and lent a hand to whoever needed it, no questions asked. More than once he came back home crying after getting dumped or stood up by a date. Xiao didn’t like violence, but at times like those he was ready to kill whoever was responsible. Venti never gave names, he didn’t blame anyone except himself. He was too good for his own good, and Xiao couldn’t help but to keep an eye for him.
Of course, Venti didn’t know about that, and never will. Xiao knew also Venti’s limits, and how mature he was, aside from him being a few years older than Xiao, so he just watched from afar and was ready to be there when Venti needed it, being a shoulder to cry on or to hug a bad day out.
So he chose carefully which of Venti’s friends to trust. He had his list, and he welcomed everyone at this place, since it made Venti happy. Most of them already knew Venti’s love to party, and got him home safely after getting too drunk to walk. Those were the ones he trusted the most. But he knew not even the best of them would be at Venti’s lowest points.
That’s when Xiao came in.
As Venti had lots of high spirits and energy, he also had lots of lows. Mostly when back from a party where he had too much and a friend got him back home, said goodbye and Venti could finally rest his happy facade. That’s when the real Venti showed up, and they would stay until early morning talking or just being silently there, and suddenly found themselves waking up on the couch or, if Venti needed that much, would ask Xiao to sleep with him on his bed.
Those were Xiao’s favorite moments, not because Venti was sad, but because it was comfortable to be with him, and being close to someone made him feel good. Even if he was comforting Venti, sometimes it was Venti who also pitched in for Xiao’s stuff too. Late night conversations were the best, and he was incredibly grateful for those moments where some silent night was broken by Venti’s laugh.
So he knew no one of Venti’s friends would do the same, and it was fine for him. But hearing that laugh shared with others when he was also there, or holding friends’ hands when they all went out together, could give people a wrong impression.
One thing was in a private setting, and another in the real world, where homophobia was pretty much still a thing. But that didn’t really explain why Venti couldn’t hold his others friends’ hands when they were inside their apartment. It was just a problem when it wasn’t his hand that was being held. Because he knew it was platonic, but so did Venti’s friends? Xiao didn’t know.
It was really a confusing topic, and Xiao didn't’ want to get to the conclusion just in case it meant he was homophobic, so he wasn’t going to think about it.
Good thing he had his classes to keep him distracted in all that mess. He had classes all morning and afternoons, so he could only really study at night. Now that Venti was out no more distractions, so he had all the silence in the house to himself.
Except not even ten minutes after he no longer did.
Someone knocked on the door, and considering the time of night he already knew who he was.
“Sorry for bothering,” said one of Venti’s friends, carrying him by the shoulder. He didn’t know Aether that much, but he seemed trustworthy so far. “We got here by Uber but he still can’t really walk by himself.”
“Xiaooo you’re here!” Venti said, clearly having drunk his brain out.
“Thank you, I’ll take care of him,” Xiao said, getting a hold of Venti. He was used to this, and at least his study time meant he was awake enough to receive Venti everytime.
“Be careful, though, he didn’t shut up the entire ride here,” Aesther explained, looking sheepishly.
“When is he not?” Xiao tried to joke, but wasn’t sure if it landed as such. Both said a small goodbye as Xiao closed the door with his foot.
He carefully got Venti to the couch, making sure his head was high enough to not puke all over the living room. Xiao got to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water and could hear Venti begin talking.
“Xiao, Xiao,” Venti started, Xiao wasn’t sure if his eyes were open or not. “Did you know? Aether’s got a twin sister, right? They’re super alike, they could even be brother and sister. It's so crazy,” Xiao wasn’t going to correct him, just getting Venti's hand for him to hold the glass of water.
“Drink this,” he said.
“If I haven’t heard that today enough already,” he laughed, but drank it anyway. “Todday Diluc’s place had this promo. Like you drank 2 stuff, you get your 3rd free.”
“That doesn’t make sense,” Xiao said. He sometimes liked talking to him in this state, it was fun looking at Venti’s gears shift inside his brain.
“Maybe it was to get two friends and the third friend was free? But I drank all of theirs so that’s basically the same thing. Also Aether doesn’t drink, his sister either, both drinks to Venti. I should thank them later, they were super nice. The drinks. But they were also nice with me. I already missed them but left them both at the bar,” Xiao knew that wasn’t true. So that’s how drunk he was. “But the music, though? It was super good tonight, I wish you were there. They played that song you really like? The one that goes”
He started humming the song. Xiao loved when Venti hummed, but this time was more cute than anything because it was also slightly off rhythm.
“Didn’t think you knew about that song,” Xiao said, surprised and impressed. Venti laughed. He tried to get up, and almost failed to get to the bathroom if Xiao wasn’t there to catch him. He just kept talking.
“You sing it in the shower and when you’re trying to concentrate.” Wait. He really did that? “You have a really nice voice you know? You should do something about that.” he got out of the bathroom, and straight to where Xiao was. “Let’s start a band. You sing and I play something, anything. It would be super fun, right? We can go on tour and, and, get to hotels or sleep in a van like rock stars. But a hotel bed sounds better, right? We can sleep together even, that’s cheaper. Cheaper the better. That’s my motto today was. Three drinks, six drinks! How many more!”
Xiao couldn’t process anything, Venti talked as if it was breathing and started saying he had a nice voice was already a lot.
“I think it’s enough, let’s get you to bed,” He said, trying to get him by the waist again.
“Um? I said we would be sleeping together but not in that sense, invite me to dinner first.” Xiao rolled his eyes and got in the direction of their shared bedroom.
“You should invite me to dinner, you know?” Venti continued.
How could he talk so much but not even able to walk by himself. Xiao sat him on the bed, signaling him to lift his arms so he could get rid of Venti’s shirt and began changing him into pajamas. It wasn’t the first time it happened and knew it wasn’t going to be the last, he couldn’t let him sleep with night-out clothes. He went to turn off the lights and was ready to head out, give him a glass of water as always and be done for the night.
“No, don’t go. I want you here” Venti said. It wasn’t the first time this happened. Maybe Venti just needed to talk a bit more, and someone close to listen to.
“I’ll get water and I’ll be right back,” he assured him.
Once back, Venti was waiting for him, already tucked into the side of the small bed. Xiao got inside with him and they were so close, when Venti talked Xiao could feel his breath, still reeking of alcohol but not as bad as other days. Venti continued his thoughts even with his eyes closed.
“I know we have dinner together all the time but like in a really fancy place,” he continued. “And later come back here and do the you know what, wouldn’t that be nice? I’ve been thinking about that. Maybe more than once. Maybe when you weren’t here so you wouldn’t hear me do that. I mean that would be embarrassing, right? Xiao can’t know I think about him that way, it would be so awkward to live with a straight guy if he knew I like-liked him, right?” he laughed. “Like when he’s really nice with me or brings me my favorite bobba when I’m feeling down even though I didn’t tell him. Ughhh I really like him, why do I always fall for straight guys?” he sighed. He was already falling asleep and probably but the time Xiao could process what just said he was already gone. The room got silent aside from the fast beating of Xiao’s heart.
It was beating so fast, he was afraid of waking Venti up. He’s been always fast asleep, so he didn’t know it was even possible. But how on Earth would Xiao sleep now? His eyes were still completely open from what he just heard.
He tried to make sure Venti was already sound asleep, and tried not to shake too much from what just happened, and got out of the bed and the room, closing the door behind him.
Xiao got to the living room and dropped on the couch.
What did just happened.
He got his shoulders on his knees, and thought.
He thought about the conversation they just had. Or if that was even a conversation. It was Venti puking out words not even meant for him. Or were they? He did talk about having dinner together, and that’s a thing they did everyday, so there’s no mistake he thought he was someone else.
But Venti also said he like-liked him.
Him, a straight guy.
Him, that even though he didn’t have a problem with gay stuff, he did have problems with Venti doing gay stuff with other people...that wasn’t him.
He had no problem when they held hands, Venti rested his head on his lap, or played with his hair, or asked to help him dye his hair (“because you’re the only one who knows how to get the color I like!”).
He had no problem sleeping in the same bed, or couch, waking up with a bad back because the couch wasn’t meant for two people, but never telling Venti because it felt nice nonetheless. Because it felt safe. It felt like home.
He then realized the last piece of his brain was put together.
After three years of living together, Xiao realized he was in love with Venti.
All the heartaches, all the long nights thinking how annoying Venti’s friends were, how he wished he didn’t do all that stuff when he was present, it wasn’t homophobia. It was jealousy. Just old plain jealousy for his best friend slash roommate.
And now he was thinking about all those other nights thinking about Venti before going to sleep, thinking about the night they just had, talking about nothing, coming up with new plans to hang out, thinking how to make Venti smile after a bad day. All those things started to make sense.
In panic cases like this he would go out for a walk, but he couldn’t leave Venti in that state alone just in case. So, he decided he wasn’t going to sleep at all.
God, he had so many things to think about now.
He realized in cases like these of uncontrolled thinking he needed to write stuff down. His own head was spinning too much. In love with his roommate and he didn’t notice. How could he be so dumb. He started writing anything that came to mind, Venti’s face, Venti’s jokes, Venti’s hands, Venti’s laugh and voice. There was just so much to write about.
Somehow he’s been writing and thinking so long he forgot the time, only getting up to eat some snacks and go to the bathroom, just to continue thinking. What the fuck was he even on all these years? He felt like he finally cracked the code of a secret murderer or something. He was in love with Venti, it shouldn’t be that hard. Of course he was in love with him, probably everyone was at least a bit in love with Venti.
But also Venti was in love with him.
That was the problem. He said not to tell Xiao, and he was Xiao. He was so fucked.
He was so fucked he didn’t realize that sometime in the past few minutes Venti’s been standing behind him on the couch.
“What are you doing at this time, shouldn’t you be sleeping?” Venti said, Xiao thought it may be impossible for Venti to look like shit even after a hangover.
“I should ask the same thing, what time is it? There’s ibuprofen in the bathroom, I left it out for you.” he looked at the clock, it was already 10 in the morning. How long has been awake for. He looked at the mess on the coffee table. Oh, no.
He tried to get all his writing out of the way before Venti would come back, but it was too late.
“What is it?” Venti said, getting a paper from the armrest of the couch. “‘ I like how when the neighbors tell him to shut up with the flute he starts playing louder for the time they didn’t stop playing their own music at 3am days ago’?”
Xiao stopped what he was doing, now completely red from ears to toes.
“What is it? Is this about me? Because I did that the other week but,” Xiao didn’t need to hide anymore. He was done for. No escape. Just head on.
“Um. Keep reading?” he said, covering his face with his hands.
“Ok… ‘ I like when he says to compare the size of our hands just to have an excuse to hold hands’ Hey, that’s supposed to be a secret!” he continued reading. “‘ I like when he blushes the pink of his cheeks contrats with the color of his braids. ” Oh, no. Xiao got his face out of his hands, it indeed was there. He was going to die.
“‘ I like when we’re together ’. ” Venti finished.
That 's it. He now had to move away.
“Did… did something happen last night?” Venti said, his cheeks fully red. Xiao was trying really hard to not look at him.
“You… you told me you like-liked me.” He said.
“Oh, no,” Venti exclaimed, hiding his face on the sheet of paper. “Oh, nooo. I’m never gonna drink again.”
“We know that’s a lie but. All that i wrote there is…not.” Xiao could feel his face hot.
“What do you mean” Venti lowered the paper sheet so Xiao could see his face, still red.
“I also kinda like-like you.” Xiao closed his eyes. He couldn’t see Venti like this. He was about to die.
“Wait, wait, wait, wait” Venti said. Xiao opened his eyes and saw Venti run to the bathroom, and maybe break a world record of fastest brushed teeth, and then come back. “Ok. Fuck this, I’m kissing the hell out of you now.”
Said and done, Xiao reacted in time to not fall to the floor, being saved by the couch behind him. He was kissing his roommate. Kissing his best friend who was also his roommate. Kissing his best friend and roommate whom he thought he was homophobic for less than 24 hours ago.
Once they were done with the kissing, they stayed on the couch, arms around each other.
“I could still taste the alcohol though.” Xiao said, after a while.
“Fuck you, I’ve been waiting for this for way too long.”
They laughed. Maybe Xiao could still be a bit homophobic towards his boyfriend.