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Have you ever just been at a crossroads in life where you don’t know whether you are neither here nor there? Coming or going? Doing ok or not ok at all?
Dick questioned this himself as he gawked at a huge unexpected bill on top of all of his regular and relentless monthly bills. How the bills were so expensive he had no clue. He didn’t even have cable for goodness sake.
This time, the IRS had re-evaluated his tax return and it looks like Dick had missed filling in one stupid little box and he now owed a thousand dollars in back taxes.
What’s more, earlier that morning he had gone to start his car when he discovered that some low life street criminal had stolen his catalytic converter. Cut it right out from underneath his car which was now basically un-drivable.
He didn’t even have anything fancy or expensive to his name. Heck, the apartment he rented was practically on the verge of being condemned.
He worked so damn hard every day and worked extra hard every night to help keep the city safe, well, as safe as a place like Bludhaven could reasonably be, and this was all he had to show for it.
Despite his best efforts he felt like each day was just another fantastically hard and swift kick to the balls.
Every day was basically just another, ‘fuck you’... another middle finger square to the face.
As desparate as Dick felt with the cumulative stressors piling up, he was still a very prideful person. Could he ask Bruce for a little loan? Yes.
Would Bruce think twice about giving Dick a huge sum of money with no strings attached? No.
Would Dick ever actually ask for help? Fuck no.
Bruce would absolutely give Dick whatever he wanted if only he asked. But Dick would never ask. Asking would be admitting that he couldn’t make it on his own. That he couldn’t manage his own life. That he needed somebody to take care of him.
Given his tumultuous past with Bruce, it didn’t matter if the two of them were on good terms now, Dick always carried the chip on his shoulder of not being formally adopted, being kicked out and being temporarily disowned.
Dick could forgive, but there was no way he could ever forget the first nights of being on his own on the streets of Gotham after he got the boot from the manor.
Dick continued to feel the need to prove to Bruce that he was strong and independent, and to show him (or at the very least pretend) that he was doing ‘great’.
Even though Dick loved Bruce, he didn’t want to ever give the billionaire the power to think that Dick needed him to survive.
Dick put aside his thoughts of Bruce and returned to the immediate issue at hand. Having discovered his messed up clunker of a car, which was supposed to drive him to Gotham this evening for dinner with his family at Wayne Manor, plus the kicker of being slammed by the unexpected bill, Dick decided to simply fuck it all. Why even bother with this stupid day?
The hopeless futility of his life and situation finally reached a boiling point. His stomach churned with anger and self pity and he found himself wanting to scream out, ‘is that all you fucking have?!’ to the universe which seemed so bloody intent on ripping him apart piece by piece.
Instead of yelling he let hot, agitated tears cascade down his face. The frustrated hero filled a bathtub, sank deep into the water and let his tears continue to flow. The salty water from his eyes dripped into the tub and become one with the water surrounding his body. Dick was glad nobody was there to hear his embarrassing sobs and desperate attempts to catch his panicked breath.
In a brief moment of awareness, Dick reached for his phone and texted in the family group,
’Yo fam! Car troubles. Gonna have to skip dinner, sorry! Catch you next week,’
He added in a bunch of heart and smiley face emojis for good measure, and turned his phone off just as it started to ping in response to his message.
Dick didn’t have the motivation to carry on any conversations or answer follow up questions, so he chose the path of avoidance.
When the first Robin climbed out of the tub he threw on some shorts and used the last morsels of his remaining energy to head over to his bed.
Yes, it was still early in the afternoon, and no, he didn’t care if all he would be doing was sleeping the rest of the day and night away.
Fuck everybody and everything.
Dick alternated between numbly laying in bed and staring at the ceiling, to curling up in a fetal position and dozing off to sleep for several hours.
*****
The next time Dick opened his eyes he found himself face to face with a frowning Jason who had kneeled down beside the bed to evaluate his older brother at eye level.
“The fuck is wrong with you?”
“What the hell are you doing here, Jason?”
“Y’know, I wish I wasn’t here, Dickface, but nobody could get a hold of you, you fucking idiot. Alfie made me stop by this God forsaken dump to make sure you were still alive and to drag yer ass to Gotham.”
“I’m not going. Leave me the fuck alone.” Dick grumbled and turned his back on a less than impressed Jason.
“I’m not fucking telling them that. Alfred threatened to withhold dinner from me if I didn’t bring you over.... so you are getting the hell up.”
“I said leave me the fuck alone!!”
“Ok, fine. I’d love to do that. I’d rather drive alone anyway. But... hold up... just a sec....”,
Dick listened as Jason stood back up and rummaged around for something,
“Ok.... here we are... I’m just gonna FaceTime Bruce so you can tell him yourself that you’re not coming. Nobody will believe I tried to come get you otherwise,”
Dick whipped around in bed and lunged forward onto his stomach. He managed to grab Jason’s phone from his hand and threw it across the room before he could make the call. Jason gave Dick an amused look,
“Heh. I figured you wouldn’t want me to call the big man.”
“Seriously, Jay. Not in the mood.” Dick mumbled as he turned his back to Jason and curled up under his covers once again.
“Really though, Big Bird. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Hm, first problem... I’m trying to get some sleep and there’s a big dumb oaf in my room.”
“Dick. For real. I’m not playing around now. What’s wrong? It’s not like you to miss a lovey dovey family night.”
Dick curled up into a tighter ball, unable to speak due to the lump forming in his throat.
Jason sat down on the edge of the bed and put his hand on Dick’s shoulder. His tone was now soft and laced with concern,
“Dickie, please. Talk to me. Are you hurt? Sick? What’s wrong?”
Dick sniffed out, “What’s not wrong, Jason? Everything is wrong. My life is wrong. It has been for a long time. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to sleep... please let me sleep.”
Jason didn’t know how to take those words, but he did recognize the sound and language of somebody who was thoroughly burnt out and feeling defeated.
“Dick. Come on. Let’s get you up and dressed, bud. A drive and a nice meal will do you good.”
“I want to be alone. Please.”
“I know you do. But I also know that being alone is not a good idea for you right now either. Trust me, Dickie. Come on, I’ll grab you some clothes.”
Jason picked out some clothes for Dick off of his floor since there were pretty much none in his closet or dresser drawers. Terrible, frumpy clothes really, but they were the cleanest ones Jason could find amidst the disaster zone that was Dick’s bedroom.
“Ok, grab your jacket, let’s go.” Jason commanded.
Dick huffed and did as Jason ordered if only to stop the ongoing confrontation between them. Arguing was too draining.
Dick climbed onto Jason’s bike and snuggled up behind him.
Jason gave Dick a cockeyed look from over his shoulder but didn’t say anything, lest Dick demand to go back to his crappy apartment.
Dick continued to annoy Jason during the ride by hugging on to him a little too tight for comfort and warmth.
“Hey! Hey! Calm down with the cuddling bro!”, Jason shouted at one point, but ultimately just rolled his eyes and settled on allowing the snuggle. Clearly his brother needed some sort of safety blanket right now and if he was doomed to be that blanket, so be it.
*****
As Jason cut the engine on his bike in the driveway of Wayne Manor, Dick made no effort to let go of Jason or to get off the bike.
“Hey Dickface, wanna let go of me now? We’re here,” Jason pried Dick’s arms loose and pulled the helmet off of his brother’s head. His vacant eyes blinked slowly a few times to adjust to the glare from the evening sun.
Jason disguised his concern and led Dick inside the house hoping that the presence of the others would help to bolster Dick’s mood. Or at the very least they might know what to do about Dick.
“Ah, Master Dick! Glad you could join us after all,”
“Really Alf?! After the ultimatum you gave me to give him a ride, don’t sound so surprised”, Jason scowled,
“Hey Alfie. Sorry, but I’m just going to lay down for a bit before supper. Got a bit of a headache.”
Jason and Alfred frowned. Headache or no headache, Dick was not usually one to keep to himself like this. Especially not at the Manor.
Tim and Damian came racing down the stairs as Dick was headed up,
“Dick! You’re finally here! I downloaded a new computer game yesterday that you’re going to love! I already beat it twice, but it’s still pretty tricky,”
“No! Richard! Don’t play Drake’s childish games, I have something much better to show you! Pennyworth drove me to the art supplies shop earlier today,”
“Timmy. Dami. I’d love to hang out with both of you, but I’m gonna lay down for a bit. Sorry. Didn’t sleep much last night.”
Dick brushed past both of his younger brothers dismissively,
“Maybe later, guys.”
Dick locked the door to his old bedroom and burrowed into the fresh smelling blankets. Something he hadn’t smelled in a long time... he wondered for a brief second when he had even last washed his bedding. 4 months maybe? Or was it over half a year? Maybe longer. Who knows.
Great. There was another area of his life that he had lost control over. Dick pulled the blankets up to his chin and curled up tightly. Maybe if he hid here forever, none of his responsibilities would ever find him.
Dick alternated from sleep to some unfocused version of being awake.
His head swam with thoughts which tore him down and reminded him that he had no right to expect anything but to be thrown out of this place once again.
Dick didn’t hear Bruce enter the room, after picking the lock to the door. He also wasn’t coherent enough to register when the large man perched himself on the bed beside him.
“Chum? Are you up?”
Dick shuffled a little bit when he heard Bruce’s deep voice. Bruce noticed the slight movement and also picked up on the deep, measured inhale and exhale that followed.
“Are you feeling ok? Can I do anything to help?”
Bruce ran a tender hand through Dick’s hair. The soft, loving, parental touch broke through Dick’s attempt at putting up a wall to protect himself.
Somebody so big and strong shouldn’t be able to be so gentle, how was that even possible?
Dick wanted so badly not to need or want Bruce’s tenderness or love, but at the first slight display of those affections from the man, Dick could feel his stubborn pride start to crumble like a cracker.
Bruce’s touch felt like a confident, unconditional love, although their relationship at times felt like it only had conditions attached.
Dick felt a sense of relief and safety, but also a great disappointment in himself that Bruce might see beyond Dick’s facade of feigned happiness.
Dick was most upset that he needed this care. He missed feeling supported and loved by a parent.
The first Robin felt his face scrunch up, and he knew that he was mere seconds away from complete meltdown. He was struck with how lonely he suddenly felt. The dam was about to burst in front of the man he tried so hard to hide these feelings from.
“Chum?”
Dick couldn’t help it and he finally let out a sorrow filled sob,
“Oh sweetheart,” Bruce stated softly. The billionaire’s own voice hitched a little as he continued to run his large hand over and over through his eldest son’s hair, “It’s going to be alright, let it all out,”
A nano second later, Jason walked by the room, and may very well have turned his head -without stopping his stride- to peek in to see what was going on.
A minute later, Tim sauntered by and hesitated for a blink by the door before continuing on down the hallway.
A couple of minutes after that, Damian confidently marched by the doorway pretending not to be curious about his oldest brother. His eyes may have shifted to the side to subtly observe the goings on in Dick’s bedroom from his peripheral vision.
When Dick’s tsunami of tears subsided somewhat, Bruce scooped him up from the bed into a tight hug.
Bruce cradled the back of Dick’s head into his shoulder and breathed calmly so that Dick could follow along. After so many years, Dick knew to how to calm himself down that way.
The two men sat clutching one another. One projecting strength and the other absorbing it.
About ten or so minutes later, Jason, Tim and Damian casually strolled through the hallway and passed the door again but from the opposite direction this time....the were definitely not looking to ascertain what was happening with Dick, of course.
After Bruce sensed that Dick was calmer, he asked,
“Chum, would you like to come get some fresh air with me? Why don’t we take a small walk around the garden?”
“Ok”, Dick agreed.
*****
Dick sighed heavily out in the open air. He had to admit that Bruce’s idea of getting out of the manor and out of the confines of 4 suffocating walls was brilliant.
Dick felt able breathe a little better and it was more comfortable to be able to walk beside Bruce versus having to look him directly in the eye right now,
“B, I’m sorry,”
“Sorry? What for, Dick?”
“I’m sorry for blubbering on like a baby. I know you have better things to do with your time.”
“You are the best thing I can do with my time, chum. Now, can you tell me what is going on? Is something wrong?”
“No, nothing is wrong. I’m fine, B. Just a tough couple of days, that’s all.”
Jason sprang out from behind a bush,
“Nuh uh, Dickie. It’s not just a couple of days. I saw the state of your apartment. That was the look of someone who gave up months ago,”
“Jay. I’m just a messy person,”
“There’s messy and then there’s complete and total disregard, man. When is the last time you did some laundry or took out the trash? When is the last time you actually even used the waste bin in your apartment?”
Dick felt his face flush red at being so
explicitly called out by Jason. He was doubly embarrassed at the fact that it happened in front of Bruce.
“Jay, I’m trying my hardest.” Dick stated flatly.
“Face it Dick. You need help.”
“I don’t need your help, Jason. Or anyone else’s for that matter,” Dick grew more and more angry, “I’ve been on my own since I was 16, ok. And guess what? I’m still alive,”
“Hah. Yeah you’re alive, Dickhead, but are you well? I know what I saw and how you were when I came to pick you up today.”
Bruce observed the tense exchange and let it play out a little bit. He watched Dick become more defensive and when he mentioned being alone since 16, Bruce felt a guilty tug on his heart. He had done that. He had kicked Dick out and forced his premature independence.
“Dick. I hope you know there’s no shame in asking for help, especially not from your family.” Bruce advised.
“I can manage, B. I’m good. Really, I am,”
“Dick. Look around. Everything that I have. I didn’t start this from scratch. My parents left it all to me. And, Alfred takes care of me every single day. He cooks, cleans, goes shopping, does my laundry. He is there to make sure I eat and get some sleep even when I might not feel like it. Who takes care of you?”
Dick frowned, “just me.”
“Precisely. You’re on your own, and with so much on your shoulders, it’s ok to ask for a helping hand every now and again.”
“Seriously Dickface. I’m just a phone call away. So is everyone else in this dumbass family.”
“Thanks, guys.” Dick replied after a brief contemplative moment, “I really needed to hear that. I’ll definitely let you all know if I need help.”
Jason clapped Dick on the shoulder, happy to hear the agreement from his older brother.
Bruce simply looked at Dick knowingly. Dick looked back at Bruce.
Bruce knew.
And Dick knew that Bruce knew.
And Bruce knew that Dick knew that Bruce knew....
Bruce knew exactly what his first Robin was doing.
Deflecting.
Dick agreed to ‘ask for help’ in order to get everybody off his back and not remain the focus of any further discussion. Bruce understood that Dick was just being falsely agreeable, but at this point it was pointless to lecture the stubborn young man any further.
Despite Dick’s agreement, he would still never ask for help outright, especially not financially. Bruce was a rock and a comfort at times, for sure, but he still did what he did all those years ago. And did it once again after Jason died.
Dick could forgive the transgressions against him, but he would never forget.
Bruce looked inward to himself and understood that it would take perhaps the rest of his lifetime to get his eldest to trust him or ever fully open up to him again. If Bruce could take back the harsh words, the hits and the abandonment issues he had caused Dick, he absolutely would.
The billionaire figured the best he could do for now is just respect where Dick was at and simply be there when his son did need a shoulder to cry on. Maybe he could check in on him more? Perhaps he could actually visit Dick once in a while... yes. Bruce decided he could try that.
Tim came tumbling out of a nearby bush with a shout,
“You miniature, Demon asshole!” Tim shouted back at the bush where he and Damian had clearly been eavesdropping.
“Master Timothy! Language!”
“Where did you even come from, Alfred?!” Tim exclaimed,
“From the Manor. I was not hiding in the bush, unlike you and young Master Damian,”
Alfred addressed Bruce,
“Master Bruce, are you and the young sirs just about ready for supper?”
Bruce looked over at Dick who addressed Alfred in turn,
“Yup Alf! Let’s eat!”
Dick plastered his signature million dollar smile onto his face. A smile that only Bruce and Alfred could distinguish as being entirely for show and more for the benefit of his 3 younger brothers who ultimately seemed to be satisfied with the drastic turn around in Dick’s mood.
*****
At the end of the evening -which had been filled with brotherly bonding, laughter, movies and a few levels of Tim’s new video game - Dick went to leave with Jason.
That was until Bruce stopped them at the door.
“Thanks Jay, but I can give Dick a lift back,”
“Suit yourself, old man. Peace,” dudes.” Jason turned and waved once in the air as he strolled out of the manor.
“Shall we?” Bruce asked,
“Yeah. Alright. Give me a sec.” Dick went and hugged Tim and a squirming Damian. He gave Alfred a hug as well and the butler held on a little longer and tighter than usual. Alfred handed Dick a bag with containers full of baked goods plus casseroles to keep in the freezer for easy meals.
Bruce attempted to make small talk during the drive back to Bludhaven. Once the pair got through some casual sports talk and Bruce provided some Wayne Enterprises updates, the older man tried to get a little more personal,
“How has work been, Chum?”
“Not bad, the kids are great. They’re learning to cartwheel next week,”
“Hn. And how is your car? You were having some issues with it?”
“Mhm, someone stole a part and now it’s not working properly. My car insurance doesn’t cover it so I’ll have to wait a few weeks... payday y’know,”
Dick mumbled the last part knowing that Bruce didn’t really understand the realities of living paycheque to paycheque.
“You’re welcome to borrow one of my cars for as long as you need, or I could give you the money for the repairs,”
As much as Dick really wanted to accept the offer. His head screamed to just shut up and take the money and thank the nice man. His heart however would never forgive him if he accepted the kindness,
“Nah, I’m good, thanks. Appreciate it though.”
“Dick. Remember that talk we had earlier about accepting help? I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t want to lend a hand,”
“I know, I know. But .. fuck. I can handle this. I’ve got your number if I can’t manage, ok? Satisfied?”
Dick turned to look out of the passenger side window and away from Bruce.
Bruce didn’t respond and completed the rest of the drive in silence until they reached Dick’s apartment building.
“Thanks, B. I’d invite you up but you heard Jason. My place is a mess. Haven’t had time to clean lately,”
“Actually, may I use your washroom before I leave? It’s a bit of drive back to Gotham,”
‘Damn you, Bruce.’ Dick cursed in his mind understanding that Bruce wasn’t going to leave without seeing Dick’s living conditions.
Therefore, what he actually said was,
“Sure, come on up then,”
Bruce bit his tongue upon entering so he wouldn’t comment on the musty smell of the place. He didn’t want to get immediately pushed right back out of the apartment by Dick.
After using the toilet, Bruce washed up and wiped his hands off on his own pants, because heaven knows what mouldy specimens might have been growing on the pile of old towels that were laying in a rumpled heap on the floor.
Bruce found Dick sitting at his cluttered kitchen table with his head down. He looked so much like a young child who was about to be scolded.
“Dick. This is not ok. I can’t just leave you here like this. You’re worrying me.”
“Am I?” Dick answered flatly with his head still down.
“Yes.”
“Well, this has been my life since I was 16. So for the past 6 years it hasn’t been a problem to you, has it? Have I bothered you since you kicked me out?”
“No, you haven’t. But I didn’t know-“
“Didn’t know what, Bruce?” Dick asked calmly, “That a teenager couldn’t buy his very own palace after being thrown out with no money and no references?”
Bruce thought of what to say. But Dick continued as the floodgates were opened,
“Where’d you think a homeless teen would go? You made it very clear that I was fired and was never to return to ’your’ home. You even gave Jason my set of house keys. There was no place for me in your family.”
Dick stopped himself,
“Shit. Bruce, look I’m really sorry. I know I said we could put all of that behind us, so forget I said anything. I’m just not feeling great right now. I’ll be back to my normal self next week.”
“Richard. I don’t want to see any of my sons struggling like this.”
“You won’t. I’m technically not your son, right? Maybe you should check up on Jay, Timmy or Dami instead of wasting your time here.” Dick couldn’t resist reminding Bruce.
“I have really messed things up between us, haven’t I, Chum? You’ll always be my son no matter what any piece of paper may or may not say,”
“Don’t worry B, it’s water under the bridge. Really. Now please, I just want to get some rest.”
Bruce stood up and stood in his spot awkwardly for a moment. Bruce was hoping Dick might stand up with him and then he could pull Dick into a hug. Dick would lovingly melt into his arms and everything could just be ok again.
Dick however, put his head in his hands and avoided looking at Bruce.
“Please call me anytime, chum. If you need anything at all. I’ll leave you alone, but please take care of yourself and stay safe.”
Bruce approached Dick and planted a kiss on the top of his son’s head.
Dick wanted to tell Bruce how badly he did want him to either stay or to rescue him from this hellhole. Dick wanted to go back to his old life at the manor in safety and security and back to a much simpler time. But he couldn’t let his defences down and open up his heart to be broken and betrayed by Bruce again.
Instead he watched his ‘dad’ close the door behind him as he left.
*****
Dick turned off the lights and stumbled off to his bedroom. As he stripped off his clothes and crawled under his blankets, he felt the familiar sting of tears build up in his eyes. He instantly missed the cleanliness of the blankets that had covered his bed at Wayne Manor. There was no fresh smell or feeling. There was nobody coming to check up on him.
Dick wondered how he would pay his bills and get his car running again.
He could think of one asset he possessed which could potentially earn him lots of money very quickly. Was it the safest idea? Absolutely not. But, he did know how to defend himself in case things went badly. Besides, he had sold his body before when he was just starting out on his own and in need of some money desperately.
For now, he just let a few tears escape as he drifted off to sleep. His problems would still be waiting for him tomorrow after all.