Work Text:
soobin abs?? soobin abs?! soobin abs!
soobin looked at the numerous tweets filling his home screen. with pictures and videos attached.
it had been from one of their stages.. soobin’s shirt had risen a little too high for his comfort.. revealing his quite toned abs.
the only issue was that he didn’t have those abs anymore. that was prefilmed a while back during promotions and only uploaded recently. and he had only developed those abs from the intensity of all their promotion activities. due to covid, the members tried their absolute hardest on stages so fans could feel their energy even if they weren’t in the same room. they also had a longer promotion period as they weren’t able to tour.
it had been a few weeks since that performance and now that promotions were over, soobin had actually been gaining weight. this was pretty normal for most members. on break they would gain a bit, then lose it while preparing for a comeback and usually maintain that weight loss for promotions. then the cycle would start up again. however as there was no touring this year, their break was slightly extended.
being the leader meant he was responsible for a lot and he felt it too burdensome to turn to his members when he was stressed, so he would usually silently suffer, picking up habits of not eating or sleeping properly.
this comeback particularly was quite stressful for all members, and in turn he could barely bring himself to eat. and when he did eat, he preferred to eat many things together as opposed to a quick tub of ramen or some pizza like yeonjun or hueningkai could have. but now being on break, he was enjoying whatever he wanted.
soobin frowned, heading to his mirror.
they’ll still like me if i don’t have abs anyway, right? he thought.
soobin once again scrolled through the numerous tweets. most were freaking out but then he fell upon the articles.
again most of the report were positive but then he saw the other comments;
he has abs? ㅋㅋㅋ [+451, -71]
he looks too tall and scrawny for abs [+217, -194]
abs don’t make him a better dancer ㅋㅋ [+511, -212]
soobin frowned.
did they even like him with abs?
-
soobin had a few schedules despite being on break, just like meetings with the company, and thus images were caught of him in public.
due to him trending yesterday, people were eager to capture the popular boy.
this morning, however, soobin had woken up puffy and grumpy, yeonjun laughing as he saw his boyfriends face emerge from his room. soobin huffed, lips formed in a pout as yeonjun audibly cooed and rushed over to the taller boy, pulling him in to his arm’s and scattering soft kisses all over soobin’s sleepy face.
“hyung” soobin whined, embarrassed, hands that were resting on his boyfriends hips trying to push him back.
due to his racing thoughts last night, he was barely able to sleep.. but after many pondering thoughts and attempts from yeonjun to get the other to go to sleep, he finally shut his eyes as he came to an outcome.
he decided he couldn’t win with or without abs so he decided he wouldn’t focus on trying to change his body to fit people’s narrative. he’d simply enjoy the extended break and some good food.
scrawny [+383, -281]
he’s a kid, leave him alone [+671, -43]
is he gaining weight? [+41, -23]
-
soobin was getting ready to go eat with members. he was just changing into a more suitable outfit than joggers and a shirt but upon pulling up his jeans he noticed the tightness around his thighs.
did they shrink in the wash? was his first thought.
when he went to button them up he felt the tightness around his belly, constricting him. he sighed, all his other jeans were in the wash and he didn’t want to change his outfit.
he shrugged and decided he would probably loosen it with movement anyway. with a forceful tug he managed to button them and then grabbed his card, running downstairs to meet the members.
at the restaurant, the five were all having fun, talking, eating, drinking. they had ordered quite a lot of food as “it’s a celebration!” beomgyu had excitedly yelled, salivating at the numerous items on the menu. the members didn’t have time to each much during promotions to be fair, so soobin and yeonjun simply looked at each other and shrugged, allowing the maknaes to order whatever they wanted.
a while later into the night, soobin had eaten quite a lot. he always enjoyed many different foods and had a habit of eating them all together as he was never really satisfied eating just one of the meals he craved. he rarely gained weight though due to their demanding schedules and dieting.
the jeans around him were making him feel sick. but he couldn’t just unbutton them.. they were in a public restaurant.
“you okay, baby?” yeonjun had whispered, his hand laying on top of soobin’s own that was on his thigh.
“yeah.. i just need to use the restroom, one sec” soobin had gotten up and yeonjun smiled tightly before turning in and joining the mindless debate the three other were having about mint choco ice cream.
soobin was slightly dizzy and a bit pale, had he eaten something off? or perhaps just too much? soobin went to the bathroom and there was another person in there. as an idol, he could never be too sure, so he didn’t unbutton his jeans. waiting for them to leave instead. he thought about going into the stall but the smell alone from there was enough to make him gag.
but he couldn’t take it. he felt him self needing to burp and tried to hold it in, knowing it would contain the remnants of food from earlier. he couldn’t hold it in though..
just as he ran into the stall, the other person left and the smell mixed with the pressure on his stomach made soobin gag and throw up the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl. he felt relief flood through his body as he gasped for air.
after a few my dry heaves, soobin gathered himself and went to the sink. he ran his hands under the water, and patted them on his face. grabbing tissues to clean himself up and purchasing some breath mints from the machine on the side.
despite having been sick, soobin smiled.
he felt so much better.
-
soobin didn’t feel much pain from throwing up, and maybe that was the issue.
soobin had not purposely made him self sick that night, nor had he done it since. but somewhere in the back of his mind told him it could help him.
and this brought him to his current predicament.
soobin had noticed he barely gained anything from the meal they all had and they had eaten tons .
he knew it was because he threw it all up, so in a way he was glad it happened.. he had already been putting on a few due to the break and he appreciated he ate as much as he wanted that night and gained barely anything from it.
by this time, less and less articles appeared about the members as hype from promotions had died down and they were no longer in the spotlight.
but this didn’t mean the next time they went out they were papped.
and that’s where things changed.
they look happy being on break [+482, -31]
yeah you can see it in their bellies ㅋㅋㅋ [+211, -72]
they’re growing kids? let them eat [+409, -12]
these comments.. really... you guys worry abt urselves ㅋㅋ [567, -64]
was it that noticeable? was soobin gaining that much to receive comments like that?
as much as he appreciated the good comments.. he was an idol. and he knew he had to keep up his appearance as one. he also knew that in a few years when they weren’t kids anymore... what would the excuse be? would people still defend him?
soobin felt sick.
he’d always known being an idol entitled people to talk about his body, he just didn’t know he’d be so uncomfortable with it.
members like taehyun and yeonjun were praised for their low weights yet built bodies, beomgyu was praised for his slim build despite his height and hueningkai for his good proportions... soobin was just called the tall one. not skinny, not muscled, but too tall and too scrawny. he couldn’t help but be hurt at the fact that despite weighing near enough the same as his members, he wasn’t praised.
but soobin didn’t want muscles or curves.. he just wanted people to appreciate his body without having to starve or work out for hours.
and that’s where the issue started.
he was eating a lunch with his boyfriend, when the idea of dieting came up.
“did you see the articles?”
“yeah.. they have no place in talking about every single pound we gain, seriously..”
“yeah but we’re idols. it’s a given.. and sadly we can’t change that. people will always talk..” soobin said solemnly.
“binnie.. are you okay? you didn’t read too many did you?”
“no no, hyung. i just.. i’m thinking about dieting to lose some of this weight i’ve gained” he held his stomach and looked out at all the food him and yeonjun had eaten.
“as long as you do it healthily okay? whatever makes you happy” yeonjun got up, pressing a kiss to his boyfriend’s forehead and cleaning up their mess.
“i’m gonna take a shower.. join me?” yeonjun asked.
“you go ahead, i’ll join you in a second..” soobin smiled. yeonjun shrugged and headed to the shower.
soobin however, went to the downstairs bathroom.
he looked at his stomach and frowned. he wanted the weight gone now.. he didn’t want to take ages dieting and have to cut down on meals and work out.
soobin’s head floated back to the memory of him being sick in the restaurant.. one more time won’t hurt, right?
soobin and yeonjun had eaten quite a lot today and he didn’t need the excess weight..
soobin looked up at himself in the mirror.
just once..
he crouched down by the toilet and took his fingers and jabbed them into his mouth, easily reaching his uvula. he felt himself gag and soon enough everything him and yeonjun had consumed was now in the bowl in front of him.
he flushed it and brushed his teeth before going up and joining yeonjun in the shower.
“what were you doing?” yeonjun had asked while washing the soap of off soobin’s back.
“i had a small teokkbokki stain on my shirt, i was pre soaking it..”
“ahh, my smart bun” yeonjun pressed his lips onto soobin’s wet shoulder.
soobin laughed.
-
but it wasn’t just once.
it became a habit.. after that.
a quick solution to when he had eaten too much or was scared of gaining weight.
something soobin hadn’t experience until he had read those articles. but as they pointed out more and more flaws about his body.. soobin noticed it too. he noticed his chubby cheeks were and how he would gain weight super easily, but he also knew he gained weight from the sheer amount he ate... well binged.
but now.. now soobin had been getting articles mentioning his weight loss. soobin couldn’t be happier... isn’t this what he wanted? some recognition for his body instead of constant critiques.
he was skinny already...
[+241, -31]
what’s there to loose? companies these days... [+311, -101]
too skinny [+87, -191]
well no, not really. he had just wanted them to stop mentioning his body altogether. be it praise or hate.. soobin didn’t want any of it.
because it had made him obsessed with his body to a point he felt uncomfortable in his own skin.
but he couldn’t bring himself to stop.
even if he had been getting sick more often or loosing his hair.. even when he had to take a rest from singing as the constant purging messed up his throat.
it simply continued, it continued over even while preparing for their new comeback.
soobin wasn’t sure he could stop.
-
yeonjun had been noticing his boyfriends weight loss, and despite claiming to diet.. yeonjun knew this was simply untrue— he lived with the boy.
his eating habits were the same.
so why over the last few months had soobin nearly shrunk 2 sizes?
yeonjun wanted to confront the boy but he was unsure of what he was asking exactly.
soobin why are you loosing weight? soobin why are you so thin yet not on a diet?
he couldn’t just ask him that, so what could he do? other than observe the boy silently to see what’s going on. and that’s exactly what he did do. he watched and most of the time found nothing unusual... in fact soobin was eating a lot more if anything. the only other notable thing is that he would always go to the bathroom after eating now and it was more frequent.
it’s not like going to the bathroom was uncommon but when it was almost every time.. maybe his stomach grew weaker?
well yeonjun’s curiosity was satiated the next day when he let his eager mind get the better of him and followed soobin to the bathroom.
the members were all eating at the table, talking about the comeback.
“moa’s will love this one”
“i know! they’re already freaking out over the teasers”
yeonjun decided to be brave— “i saw articles about soobinnie’s weight loss” the older said cutely, pinching soobin’s ear lobe.
“ah, really?” soobin looked uncomfortable, he just hoped he didn’t sound it.
“your weight loss is amazing hyung.. how did you do it? not that you needed to lose weight anyway” hueningkai said and soobin felt sick.
the members all agreed and looked at him waiting for an answer.
soobin pushed his chair back abruptly, “i-i need to use the bathroom” he said and dashed away while the other members shrugged and just began to clear up.
all except yeonjun, who told the members he’d be back in a second, instead following soobin down the hall and to the bathroom.
he was gonna knock but just waited outside, expecting to hear crying or something. yeonjun knew something was up with his weight loss, was he stressed? was he feeling uncomfortable with his body he wasn’t eating well? it made sense but again yeonjun knew his eating schedule — maybe he as dropping weight because of his mental health?
however what yeonjun didn’t expect to hear was the sound of gagging and then a splash of what yeonjun is assuming sick— was he ill?
yeonjun was confused.. he never mentioned being sick— just then hueningkai called yeonjun asking him to help take out the bins.
yeonjun agreed, telling himself he’d ask soobin later if he was ill but that all went down the drain when soobin came out, pretending nothing had happened. like usual.
and things started to click for yeonjun.. the constant disappearances to the bathroom, the weight loss, the recently weakened immune system.
soobin was making himself sick. he was sure of it..
he just- he still didn’t know how to approach it. this was an issue though because soobin needed help straight away. yeonjun knew that, he couldn’t believe he didn’t notice it earlier.
so yeonjun did research. he spent hours looking at how to approach the situation. and how to get them help.
-
“you’re bulimic” okay. he wouldn’t call this easing into things.
“w-what?” soobin stammered.
yeonjun was sat atop soobin’s lap, the two were engaged in a heavy lip lock, hands fumbling around each other’s pants when—
“you’re bulimic” yeonjun blurted again. not really knowing what else to say. suddenly everything he had rehearsed was thrown out the window.
it was the same day he’d caught soobin being sick— just later into the night. he had called the other to his room, saying he he just wanted to spend time with his boyfriend and it led to soobin spread out on the sheets below yeonjun as he marked up his neck.
[“h-hyung? what’s gotten into you” soobin panted.
“shh binnie, let me take care of you” yeonjun had reattached his lips to soobin’s own, the two moving positions so yeonjun was now on his lap.
yeonjun wanted to kiss him and mark him and tell him his body was beautiful and make sure he knew how perfect he was— but he couldn’t just pretend he didn’t know what he does...
“you’re bulimic”]
“where is this coming from, yeonjun?” soobin pushed the other off his lap, pulling his riled up shirt back down.
yeonjun panics, soobin was mad. he could tell. yeonjun was usually one to get mad when someone’s mad at him. but he knew right now he needed to be brave and calm for soobin.
he took a deep breath, thinking back to the article.
1. pick a good time.
well he failed that one. he sighed, grabbing soobin’s hand.
“i’m sorry i said that so suddenly, i promise i’ll explain. just hear me out okay?”
soobin was silent for a while until he reluctantly nodded.
2. explain why you’re concerned
“i- i heard you throw up earlier. and at first i assumed you were just ill— except you wouldn’t lie about being ill. and we had check ups recently, and we were all fine. i then thought about your.. weight loss. and how you reacted when we talked about it and- and i did some research and i think we now both know why it is you dropped so much weight...”
soobin snatched his hand back suddenly.
3. be prepared for denial and resistance
“i don’t know what you’re trying to say but i don’t have an issue”
“soobin, making yourself sick is an issue”
“look, yes i made myself sick a few times, the first time wasn’t even on purpose.. but i’m not ill! i just— it’s easy, okay? you don’t get it because your body is perfect!”
“that’s not true, binnie..”
“it is! you don’t know what it’s like to look in the mirror and feel so gross and revolted by your own reflection..” soobin was getting choked up.
“you’re right.. i don’t feel that way. but that doesn’t mean that i’m perfect or in any way better than you”
“b-but all the articles mentioning you and the rest, always praising you for your muscles and height.. but you don’t see the comments they write about me!”
4. ask if the person has reasons for wanting to change
“is this what this is about?”
“y-yes” soobin was crying now.
“it hurts, hyung.. you don’t see what they say.. you don’t understand the feeling.. the relief.. you just don’t understand” he said as yeonjun moved closer, holding the sobbing boy by his shoulders.
5. be patient and supportive
“soobinnie, look at me. we’ve all struggled with our bodies.. even if you might not think so, all of us receive comments like that. but it’s up to you to let it get to you. if i have to lock your phone away i will.. you can’t listen to these things as an idol. you’ll make yourself seriously sick..” yeonjun said and suddenly soobin was throwing himself into yeonjun’s chest, crying his eyes out. yeonjun wrapped his arms around the shaking figure, feeling himself choke up.
“hyung i-i’m scared.. i don’t want them to hate me..”
“binnie, who hates you? huh? who?”
“t-the articles, the comments—“
“those comments don’t mean shit, baby, listen to me” yeonjun pulls back to grab soobin’s shoulders on once again, forcing him to look into his eyes.
“those comments are written by a bunch of lowlife nobodies who have nothing better to do then comment on everyone but themselves. they hide behind their screens and feel like that gives them a sense of entitlement to talk shit but unless they’re the perfect person themselves— they have no place in making comments about you and your body”
soobin cried harder.
-
after more crying and more coaxing from yeonjun, soobin admitted it.
of course he already knew that there was something up with him, he was just finally ready to admit that it was an eating disorder.
that he was mentally ill and needed help.
so that’s exactly what he did.
with the help of yeonjun who held his hand every step of the way, and the members who they eventually told. soobin had talked to the managers and they had immediately taken him to the doctors to be diagnosed.
it was all overwhelming for soobin at first.
[“hyung i can’t go in there— their gonna tell me nothings wrong because nothing is.. we should turn back—“
“no, soobin, we’re doing this, okay? i’m right here by your side, i’ve got you” yeonjun tightened the grip on his hand.]
so here he was 3 months into recovery, their comeback, the chaos chapter, was a success. and they had just ended promotions. soobin had odd days or nights where he felt like relapsing but the members were there with him to stop him and keep him on track.
so they were finally on break again— all the members deciding to have a movie night tonight.
they were all cuddled up in yeonjun’s room, big screen tv playing some action film beomgyu had wanted to see. soobin wasn’t paying attention though, he was focusing on the weight of yeonjun’s head on his shoulder and their hands intertwined. he pouted his lips and pressed a kiss to the top of his boyfriends head.
“hm?” yeonjun looked up.
“nothing, i just— i love you” he blurted out and yeonjun cooed.
“i love you too, soobinnie” he said as they heard a gag from in front of them.
beomgyu glaring at the two while the two maknaes were asleep soundly either side of the ravenette, heads resting on each one of beomgyu’s thighs. yeonjun stuck his tongue out at the younger childishly as beomgyu scrunched up his face.
soobin chuckled at the sight— this . this is how he knew he’d be okay, here with the people who mattered to him most.
this was home.