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yeonjun isn’t sure when it started, if it even started necessarily. he still had doubts he was struggling but looking at the excess belly fat on his stomach that wasn’t there a week ago, reassures him he had.
yeonjun had been struggling with binge eating. looking at his stomach, hands holding it in the mirror made his heart drop slightly. it wasn’t a big deal right? he could just exercise it off after their long hours of practice, maybe cut back on snacking so he wouldn’t feel guilty for eating how much he does.
it’s just.. the members often comment on how much he eats in interviews and they already say it’s a lot then— but they don’t know about his secret stash of food and snacks. they don’t know how he wakes at night to consume all the extra calories, well maybe all except soobin.
soobin was usually the last member to fall asleep, checking in on everyone and making sure everything was planned for the next day ahead of them. that’s when he had seen it the first time.
he was in the living room writing post it notes for the members with reminders of things to do once they were up, and he remembers hearing rustling. he peaked up from the couch, and due to the positioning of the two rooms, as he looked through the open door he could see yeonjun in the kitchen.
he was about to go ask him what he was doing up when he saw him go into the one of their cupboards under the sink that had random stuff the members would chuck in there when they couldn’t decide where it belonged originally. is he looking for something? a cleaning product? soobin wondered. and that’s when yeonjun shuffled a few items before bringing out a plain white bag, he watched as yeonjun pulled out.. snacks? he pulled out some crisps, chocolate bars, angel cake, chocolate buttons and jelly candies.
what in the world?
and then yeonjun ran back to his room.
soobin carefully went to where yeonjun was mere minutes ago and looked under the sink and fumbling around. bending his arm round the corner he felt.. ramen tubs? he stuck his phone down there only to see tubs of ramen, bags of snacks and other random convenience store foods.
yeonjun had been hiding all of this? was he that greedy about food that he didn’t even want to share with his members?
soobin went to yeonjun’s room on a mission to confront the older but stopped when he had heard muffled cries outside the door... soobin froze. maybe he was comfort eating? soobin knew he should go confront him but soobin had a feeling that he didn’t want anyone to see him in this current state and it didn’t help that soobin had secretly watched it all play out.
soobin turned around and went to bed.
-
it was meant to be a joke, the next morning when soobin had blurted out “you’re still hungry after last night?” to a half awake yeonjun and 3 confused members.
yeonjun had froze from where he was eating cereal, scrambled eggs and toast on the side waiting, calling for him. yeonjun felt a pang in his chest, relax he doesn’t know. he’s just talking about the pizza and chicken you guys and for dinner. relax, yeonjun. he repeated silently to himself in a mantra. he pushed the now cold eggs away, “no you’re right, the pizza was filling, i feel quite sick” at least the last part wasn’t a lie.
soobin frowned as he watched his boyfriend leave the kitchen.
soobin cleared away the food, throwing away the soggy cereal but leaving the untouched eggs in the microwave.
he went to go to yeonjun’s room to ask what was wrong but yeonjun had shrugged it off, the two lovebirds spent the day lazing around. but soobin couldn’t help but notice yeonjun’s slight tenseness the whole time.
-
the next time soobin caught yeonjun was at 2am, the two had schedules tomorrow so decided to spend this day cuddling and watching movies which had actually turned into yeonjun in soobin’s lap, lips locked in an intense make out session as soobin fisted at his shirt. of course it didn’t stop there.
they didn’t get much time to themselves so they used what opportunities they could.
in their postcoital glow, the two were cuddling after cleaning themselves up. chests heaving.
“you’re getting heavier” soobin had jokingly slapped his chest and yeonjun laughed forcedly too.
he was getting heavier.. it wasn’t from the food right? he had stopped binging as much in fear other members would find out.
at the thought of binging his stomach growled, just once more. it beckoned him. and so he waited for a few hours when soobins breathing became slower and snuck off to the kitchen.
he made ramen, nuggets, chips, rice, kimchi and seaweed along with some snacks like conceive store hot dogs and two ice creams.
he dug in.
he ate until he physically couldn’t, until he felt sick and revolted.
and then he went to bed like nothing happened. soobin was awake though. he had followed yeonjun out of bed, going to question him when he peaked out of yeonjun’s room to see him enter the kitchen, he followed him, peaking in through the door to see yeonjun eating all of that. he looked like he was in pain... was he really that hungry? but they had eaten today? soobin was confused.
nonetheless he saw yeonjun cleaning up and ran back to bed, minutes later, yeonjun joined him. unaware of what soobin had just witnessed.
the next morning when asked about the food in the trash yeonjun said it’d been in his room for a while ago, that’s when soobin first decided something was wrong.
-
yeonjun had been gaining weight.
anyone could see, he got scolded by the mangers as they’re outfits for promotions for tighter and tighter. they said he’d be placed on a diet.
the members defended him quickly, “yeonjun barely eats these days?” beomgyu and hueningkai were shocked “it’s probably his metabolism slowing from constant dieting” taehyun had snarkily glared at the manager.
soobin remained silent, yeonjun pretended like he didn’t notice.
he thinks i’m fat too. yeonjun had told himself.
when yeonjun got home that night he looked at himself in the mirror. hands resting on the growing belly.. do i have problem?
-
binge eating. soobin had decided. he did his research and was shocked to find out what he did. you only ever learn about anorexia and bulimia but binge eating? soobin didn’t even know it existed.
if you’re full, just stop eating? he had thought at first glance but had later realised that was exactly like telling an anorexic person “if you’re hungry, just eat”
soobin had wanted to confront yeonjun. he just didn’t know how to go about it. these things were touchy and sensitive subjects.. was yeonjun even aware he was mentally ill himself?
it was only when yeonjun had binged too much one day, that he physically couldn’t take it.
they were at the practice room and soobin watched as yeonjun, in the corner, turned to the side and looked in the mirror at his belly that kept growing and growing. he had binged that morning before the members awoke and practice started in 15 minutes, meant to be stretching now.
but he was so bloated that he could barely move without food rising up his oesophagus.
he stared at his belly and felt his eyes well with tears.
he was meant to be on a diet for goodness sake...
the members and mangers had made comments already, “if you don’t lose weight the shoot will be cancelled” “there’s already been articles” we’re changing you to even stricter diet” “hyung do you wanna come gym with me?” “maybe we shouldn’t buy take out for a while” “we tried to buy no snacks this time” all the words swam round and round in his head. but what they didn’t understand is none of that mattered because he was hiding everything he ate and lying about it. they would never understand because yeonjun could barely understand himself why he felt so compelled to eat and eat even when he was full and felt like complete shit afterwards.
he felt bile rising with the food from this morning, he was gonna throw up.
he ran out of the room, followed by none other than his boyfriend, choi soobin.
soobin who had made comments about his weight to suddenly doing a 180 on him and stopped mentioning it all together. soobin who kissed his belly while buried inside him to him to tell him he was beautiful and that he loved him.
soobin who at the beginning of his diet had said to yeonjun he had no clue why he was gaining weight.
yeonjun threw his head in the sink and threw up the contents of his stomach, all the food from this morning coming out in mushed form.
well now he knows, knows what a pig i am he thinks as he feels the younger’s arms on his back, rubbing soothingly and gently.
classic soobin.
yeonjun cried. he cried and cried as the sound of the tap ran, washing away everything he had willingly put in his body. he felt the arms once wrapped around his body turn him around and use the water to wipe at his mouth, making sure no sick was there.
yeonjun cried harder, burying his head into soobin’s chest, wetting his shirt. soobin held him tight, arms rubbing soothingly on his back. the two slowly sank to their knees as soobin sat their holding yeonjun in his arms until his sobs grew quieter and quieter.
“baby, junnie, listen to me okay?” soobin pulled his head back from where it was resting on top of yeonjun’s. yeonjun’s face was smushed into his chest as his arms were wrapped tightly around soobin’s torso, and soobin’s own hands were locked behind yeonjun’s back. his were legs resting straight out while yeonjun was sat to the side of them, own legs curled up to him.
yeonjun hummed, letting go of his bone crushing grip around the younger slightly.
“i knew about it already.. i know you.. binge” he said carefully as he felt yeonjun flinch slightly at the word, “and i wanted to confront you for a week now but i just.. i didn’t know how and i didn’t know if you’d be upset with me or if you even knew you had a problem a—“
“i want to get help”
“-nd i’m sorry i— huh?”
“binnie—“ he said pushing himself up and looking up at the younger.
“thank you” and once again his face was pressed into the other’s chest, safe in his boyfriend’s arms.
-
soobin and yeonjun had talked about the incident once they had gotten home.
soobin had apologised yet again for not saying anything so he could help him sooner and yeonjun immediately hushed him telling him how he’d actually came to his own conclusion about his eating disorder too.
so a few days later they booked a clinic appointment and yeonjun went to get help.
soobin had come with him and held his hand every step of the way.
they were outside the clinic when—
“are you ready?”
“honestly no”
“it’s okay, be honest”
“it’s just.. i can admit it to myself.. not sure if i can to other people”
“not sure or just not ready?”
“aren’t they the same thing”
“not sure means you have doubts. not ready means you just need a little push” soobin nudged his boyfriends arm with his own, the one that was intertwined.
“i’ll be your pusher” he winked.
yeonjun felt his lips upturn at his boyfriends gestures. knowing soobin was trying to keep his mood up to stop him from overthinking.
he really loves him.
— surely enough, he was diagnosed with binge eating disorder and offered continual therapy sessions, he accepted. soobin was also informed and told ways to keep an eye on him and how to help him through recovery when not in the clinic.
-
it was on one of their days when the two had returned from practice, exhausted, taken a shower and thrown themselves into bed, cuddling. soobin had his face smushed into yeonjun’s stomach. due to the diet he was on and the non secret binging anymore he had dropped weight quickly. and as he kept joining taehyun to go gym he has started to form abs now too. he still enjoyed his food and ate a lot (after coming off the diet) but now there was just no more secret eating.
“your belly isn’t soft anymore hmph” soobin pouted and yeonjun giggled.
it had been 2 months into recovery and some days had been rough.
yeonjun would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night but soobin decided to stay in his room for the first few weeks to help him and to stop him and it worked out. they had also got rid of his secret stash and had even locked some cupboards. and when soobin was busy and had schedules, other members stepped in too.
“but it looks better”
“you always looked good, junnie. you know that right?”
“hm?”
“how you looked was never the issue. we did this to help you, you were eating passed being full or hungry.. until it hurt. your body was never the issue”
“thank you, binnie.. i know that now” yeonjun reached down to pull soobin up so his face was now level with his own, bodies resting on one another.
“i know i made comments before..” soobin avoided the older’s eyes. “but i didn’t know about your relationship with food back then and i’m so sorry for it..” he said and yeonjun hushed him, rubbing his nose against his, eskimo kissing him.
“stop apologising. i’m okay now, and if you hadn’t of found out i wouldn’t of got help.. so i’m thankful to you more than anything, i love you”
“i love you” soobin pressed his lips onto his boyfriends.
sometimes you just need support from the people around you.