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The ceiling in the room looked especially interesting tonight. How long has he stayed like this? Lying in bed with goosebumps on his arms because he was tired enough to ignore the cold flooding the room. Also tired enough to ignore the reports he had to write, leaving them on the desk and postponing them for later.
There was nothing troubling him at the moment, mainly because Levi tried to not think about anything, considering that one bad thought was all it took to haunt him all night long. Their faces, their ghosts, the pain, and all about that can truly exhaust you and fuck a decent night of sleep. He keeps telling himself that this will get easier one day, but he knows it’s not true. Nothing has ever been easy in this life. You just get desensitized or learn not to fall apart so easily, turn to stone.
So he decided to lie down and rest. Breathe in, breathe out. Focusing on how the wind glided through the trees outside his window, but the sound of footsteps trying to be miserably cautious brought him back.
Levi could recognize who they belonged to without even seeing them. Of course it was her, because there wasn’t a soul in this world that would lurk outside his room at this hour.
She knocked twice and then opened the door without bothering to wait for his response. It appeared to be pointless telling her she was supposed to wait for the answer, but at least she knocks now, which was an improvement, given her habit of showing up without warning.
Hange walked in with her usual smile, closing the door behind her. Her hair was down and damp, all while wearing her yellow pajamas, causing him to raise an eyebrow, considering he had nothing to do with it (and he normally was).
“What are you doing here, four-eyes?” he asked nonchalantly from his bed.
“I just took a bath and wanted you to tell me how good I smell,” she replied, approaching him. Hange knew he’d be awake since he rarely slept, but she couldn’t hide her joy. Like they hadn’t seen each other in ages, even though it had only been a few hours.
“I’m not going to praise you for doing what a normal person should do.”
“Heh… I thought it would please you.”
Hange threw herself on the bed, her face sinking into the pillow. Their shoulders brushed against each other, but despite his presence, his bed was far from warm. You could blame the weather, though she didn’t mind, her body taking her time to relax into the mattress while ignoring the groan Levi gave her. There was something about her own bed that didn’t make it as comfortable as a bed should be. Levi said it was because she never fixed it, but there was something else because it felt like it belonged to someone else’s.
He turned his head to look at her, glaring in annoyance at her intrusion, but there was only Hange’s brown hair to see.
The smell of soap reached him then. It was the old whitish soap he gave her some time ago, naively hoping she’d use it, mixed with her scent. Lime, herbs, and the earthy aroma you get from the soil after a rain. It was tolerable. And they had returned from an expedition, so he assumed that’s why she was tired and… clean.
“Hange, you’re not sleeping here again.”
“Why not?” she asked against the pillow.
“Because it’s my room. Tch, and at least take off your glasses or you’ll break them.”
She grunted and lifted her head, resting her chin on the pillow without paying attention to the man beside her. He was silent, waiting for her to talk about the usual things. The stuff she discovered, or her latest ideas, but strangely there was only silence. It wasn’t like her to be quiet for so long, but it didn’t bother him and apparently she didn’t mind either.
But this moment allowed him to reflect about this whatever that the two of them shared. When did Levi agree to have this kind of friendship with this woman? When did it become usual to go to each other’s rooms in the middle of the night? He was supposed to avoid her at all costs, so how did the man end up here then? Choking on his own words because he was the one who sought her out when it all became too much for him, some time ago.
Sharing this vulnerability with what could only be described as a cheerful stranger was a risk, but Hange didn’t care. It bothered him how much she didn’t care. His glares, his temper or his past weren’t enough to push her away. All of his reactions appeared to do the exact opposite, piquing her interest even more. Asking and asking questions with those eyes that exuded curiosity and comprehension, but never pity. It was this kindness what made him paranoid because he knew all too well what’s like to trust and then be betrayed again. To be left alone.
That little detail bothered him the most, that she was still there. Just like that, he ran out of excuses, so he just let her get closer.
“Erwin was in a bad mood today, don’t you think?” she mentioned, now looking at him with those big eyes of hers.
“I thought he was always in a bad mood.”
“You’re no different.” A brief smile appeared on her face. “It must be because of the expedition, right? It didn’t go well, a lot of the new cadets died and I was wondering it must be hard to find the bodies or count them becau-”
“Hey,” he interrupted her, “you’re babbling.”
“Haha, sorry about that. Are you annoyed at me already?”
“Yes, I am. I’m busy.”
“You always say that and I know it’s not true. I’m staying here, anyway.”
She smirked like the smart-ass she is, earning a glare from him as usual.
Levi rolled his eyes, knowing he’d have a hard time arguing with her and her dumb smile, and she was probably aware of that too. It’d be a lie to say Levi didn’t like her company, because he could stop being ‘humanity’s strongest soldier’ and just be himself, with all the implications this involved. But life was never that sweet, so keeping her at arm’s length would make things easier in case she left someday.
Because it was always about losing.
It was something Hange was aware of. Her mind also haunted by the idea of death, but the difference is that she defied it as an act of rebellion while doing everything a sane person wouldn’t do. Defiant and stubborn and sometimes too harsh on herself until her body gave up first. Her compulsion to understand the world was her way of dealing with it, he learned one day, observing her. Just like she did with him.
“I’m only letting you stay because if you go back to your dirty sheets you’ll be smelly again.”
“Lucky me.”
Hange rolled to his side, throwing her arm over his chest and resting her head on his shoulder. Levi grunted, loud enough to make her notice she was testing her luck. However, her body heat helped to warm his body, not in the same way a sweater does, but from the insides, bringing an unknown easiness to his soul. He still struggled with the whole affection thing, but Levi would permit her a little invasion of personal space. Only this time, only to her.
“Are you going to use me as a pillow every time?” he asked.
“Yes, and you’re going to let me.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because you like me.”
“No, I don’t like you,” Levi told her as he moved her arm off his chest, but Hange refused to move her head from his shoulder, as if it were their legitimate right to stay there.
“How mean,” she pouted, “I’m just messing with you.”
“I know, four-eyes. But you have a strange way of messing with people.”
“It’s only with you,” Hange said as she yawned, and he almost laughs at that.
It would be a selfish, selfish thing to indulge in her words, but somehow this told him it wasn’t just his imagination. Had they met before? Is that why the other’s existence felt so familiar? That’s too idealistic for his own good, because who has time to wonder about the past if they weren’t even sure there was a future?
“Why?” he asked.
“Huh? Ah... I don’t know.”
“You talk too much shit, four-eyes.”
He patted her head a couple times, making her giggle, and then raised her head to look at him. She supported herself on his chest and Levi prepared to hear something strange come out of her mouth. Yet her eyes took most of his attention, the dim candlelight made them sparkle behind the reflection on her glasses, revealing a caramel color full of life with a thousand things to say and making him wonder whether he deserved to be looked at with such tenderness. Those same eyes he couldn’t stand for being too bright, but now he looked for after every expedition like a ritual.
That something Levi felt could no longer be called anger. But he wasn’t able to put a name to it either. Constantly remembering what Hange casually told him when they first began to know each other, how he pushed people away in fear of getting attached, but every bone in his body craved affection and he couldn’t stand that. A walking contradiction, she called him. What a dumb expression.
“What is it now?”
“Say Levi, can I kiss you?”
“What?” he asked back, almost babbling. Because he heard her the first time, but he didn’t process it yet.
“Kiss you.”
“What for?”
Hange shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. “Curiosity.”
He sighed heavily, looking away and trying to modulate a response to her ridiculous request. What harm could a kiss do, right?
“You always ask for the weirdest shit, four-eyes.”
“I didn’t hear a no.”
Levi didn’t answer and pulled his eyes back to her with no trace of emotion, which to his surprise, stole a laugh from her. Ah, it was unnerving how easily she saw through him. With her youthful grin full of hope and untold worries, showing that there was nothing too dangerous for her.
As she supported herself on his chest with one hand, she placed the other on his jaw, brushing it with her fingertips. He tried to ignore the tingling sensation that crawled up his throat, and how his heart raced, unaware of the reason because she had done nothing yet. Merely touching him and watching his face, studying him like one of her experiments.
Why did he even allow her this?
Was he motivated by curiosity like her or more by the need to anchor himself to something he could grasp? Because no one had ever dared to get this close to him, and this bold attitude of hers was somehow alluring. It gave him a sense of security because she was the one calling the shots.
Levi wondered if this is what you are supposed to feel every time you were with someone, or if this only happened with her.
He didn’t know where to put his hands, so he didn’t move them.
His eyes closed as she approached him, mouth slightly parted to give her room. Her lips crashing gracefully against his and giving special attention to his lower lip, making him surrender and kiss her back without hesitation.
Neither her chapped lips nor her carelessness bothered him because they were undeniably hers. Rough, but keeping a certain sweetness with her, just like everything she did.
The seconds became short, and as Hange started to pull away, he had to stop himself from following her lips. Leaving him with this unwanted confusion like a drunk man lost in the middle of the night.
When their eyes met, she expected to find his usual indifferent eyes but instead found his expression softening at the sight of her, and she didn’t know what to do with it other than stare. Her hand still lingered on his jaw, testing her luck once more.
“How was it?” she finally asked.
“Nothing special.”
A chuckle escaped her lips, but there was nothing nervous about it, it was just her laugh.
“Well, anyway, I think that…” Her words dissolved in her mouth as his hand began to slide through her hair and his eyes gazing at her with such intensity that sent shivers down her spine. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Just shut up.”
His hands settled on the back of Hange’s head, slightly pulling her hair to draw her in for another kiss. But now it was slower, like he was trying to teach her patience, like he was trying to drive her mad. Going deeper and tasting their tongues to make the air nonexistent between them.
Levi wanted to touch her, make sure she existed. But why, why, why when he wasn’t the kind to give in, he was completely defeated when it came to her. Always obliged to make her his only exception.
He knew there was something about her that kept him from reasoning any further. Because the touch of another human soothed the depths of his bones. The way she grasped his shirt took all the dreadful thoughts out of his head and the why’s and the how’s disappeared, and it was nothing but them in that minute.
A grin started to form on her mouth and he broke apart the kiss, thinking Hange was mocking him, teasing him like she often did.
“What are you laughing at?” he asked her, some anger lingering on his voice.
“That you actually liked it after all.”
Of course.
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to,” she said as she rolled her eyes with the same mischievous smirk. Never losing her playfulness, even when she was still trying to catch her breath.
Because that was her and a kiss wouldn’t change it. But even if the air remained the same, he wanted to do it again and again with her only. With the woman with the flushed cheeks and shiny lips staring back, daring him to say something.
Levi didn’t believe in any of that destiny crap, but she was definitely someone who made him question his own beliefs, because there couldn’t have been any other explanation for this whatever that the two of them had.
But these were teenage fantasies. He’ll settle for this and thinking that perhaps one day they’ll have a proper chance.
It’s not like he had time to think about all this right now, so Levi just sighed.
“Would you make me some of your tea?” she asked.
“Will that keep you quiet?”
“Ah, that depends on you.”