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Amane didn't get a chance to make a note of the time when Tsukasa shook him awake in the middle of the night. He didn't appreciate being woken up, but he didn't have it in him to complain about Tsukasa sneaking out of his room to come to Amane's when he saw how excited his little brother was.
"I had a dream." Tsukasa invited himself into Amane's bed.
Amane scooted over to make room for his brother, but Tsukasa was still awfully close to him in the twin bed, squirming with enthusiasm.
"Oh yeah?" Amane yawned and closed his eyes.
"Listen!" Tsukasa poked and smacked at Amane. "We were at the store and we were gonna smash the register and get the money. But we had to kill the cashier first! So we stabbed her with pencils!"
Amane snapped his eyes back open when Tsukasa swung a leg over Amane's hip and shifted closer.
"But there was a guy that saw us! We had to convince him that all the blood was actually candy. Oh, oh, and it turned out all the money was actually Monopoly money."
He was too close. Amane felt hot.
"Then the next cashier gave a big speech, but we had to kill that one too."
Tsukasa wiggled his hips against Amane's leg. Too close to…!
"And then there was… another guy, and he was gonna call the cops, but then…" Tsukasa paused to make a confused face, pressing closer to Amane's leg. "I don't remember the rest."
He should stop this. Amane should shove a pillow between them for Tsukasa to hug instead. He should.
"Tsukasa…" Amane tried putting some distance between them.
"Can, I?" Tsukasa asked too fast. "Feels good."
He shouldn't let Tsukasa do this. He shouldn't. But when Tsukasa looked into his older brother's eyes and asked so innocently like that, Amane had a hard time saying no. When would Amane learn to say no?
He sucked in a breath and blinked hard, steadying his resolve. "What does it feel like?"
"Like…" Tsukasa ground down on Amane's hip for reference. "My tummy is all warm and…"
Amane brushed the back of his hand across Tsukasa's cheek. His face was warm too. "And?"
Tsukasa stopped moving and shuffled slightly away. "It feels tingly down there."
Amane pressed firmly back, making Tsukasa gasp at the contact. Amane felt it too, growing pleasantly in the pit of his stomach. "Didn't say you had to stop." He should have, though.
This time, when Tsukasa moved against, Amane moved too. Hugged him around the waist and ground his thigh up as Tsukasa rode down, until he was panting sweetly against Amane's face. Until Amane wanted more.
"Close your eyes," Amane asked.
When Amane leaned in for a kiss, Tsukasa gasped and jerked away.
"Sorry!" Amane apologized quickly, hoping he hadn't scared Tsukasa into leaving. Maybe hoping that he did.
"You surprised me." Tsukasa stared back owlishly. "Why are you kissing me?"
Amane had to bite his lip at such a childish question being asked, even as Tsukasa used Amane's leg to get off.
They'd kissed before.
He'd made a habit of swooping in and giving Tsukasa a kiss by his ear every day, as soon as they got inside from school. It only took a few days before Tsukasa, delighted by the attention, wanted to reciprocate.
Simple, familial kisses on the cheeks gradually crept closer to mouths. Every day, Amane tested the limits a little more until Tsukasa finally gave in to curiosity and pressed his lips to his older brothers.
"We can't kiss like that," Amane had told him. "Because—"
"We're both boys?"
Awful, terrible, Amane had let him think that. "Yeah. Because we're both boys. So it has to be a secret. A secret just between you and me, okay?"
They'd sealed the promise with their lips.
"Because I love you so much!" Amane explained, giving Tsukasa one, two more kisses for good measure. "Kissing makes you feel warm too, right?" At least, Amane knew what it did to him. "I think doing this at the same time is nice."
Tsukasa nodded along as they traded a few more kisses. Then he admitted, "I like it when you kiss my neck."
That had been a mistake. That was just one time, when Tsukasa wrapped his arms around Amane's neck, held him close and rocked up into his touch as Amane peppered slow, dry kisses down the column of his neck. Apparently Tsukasa still thought of it. It hadn't gone as far as this though. Nowhere near as far.
Amane needed to stop. He couldn't stop.
Instead, Amane did what his brother asked, getting up on one elbow so he could lean over and press a kiss to the side of Tsukasa's neck. Tsukasa closed his eyes and sighed happily, squeezing Amane's thigh between his own.
A kiss under his ear, then another, lower, and lower, then back up. Amane got lost in the haze, between having Tsukasa rubbing against him, and holding him so close like this, Amane just had to flick his tongue out to taste.
Tsukasa gasped and trailed into a moan. "I like that," he whispered.
Amane wished Tsukasa didn't like it.
But he did it again, and again, sucking on the soft skin over his pulse, spurred on by the encouraging noises next to his ear, feeling Tsukasa's hips flex into him over and over. He wished he didn't like it when Tsukasa sped his hips up in response to Amane's stimulation. Slowing down when he got too close to an edge he didn't even know he was about to go over.
Amane wanted to push him over.
Like he pushed himself over when the door to his room was shut and he shoved his hands down his pants while thinking about his baby brother. About the taste of his lips, and the warmth of his body pressed up against Amane when they traded kisses. About the pink of his cheeks when they drew apart. About the glances of the swell of Tsukasa's chest that he allowed himself to steal during bath time. About running his finger up between the delicate line of his labia, as he did the same to himself under the sheets.
"Hey," Amane pushed Tsukasa away. "Can I…"
"Wha—"
He didn't give Tsukasa a chance to answer before wiggling his fingers between Tsukasa's folds through the fabric of his shorts, rubbing a wide circle with two fingers once he was sure he'd found the right spot.
"Oh, Ama—! "
Amane ripped his hand away, racing to cover Tsukasa's mouth. "Quiet! Gotta be quiet!"
Tsukasa nodded slowly with wide eyes. He must have been close, rolling over slightly so he could spread his legs further apart when Amane's fingers returned between them. Amane went slow, starting with shallow touches, then pressing harder, rolling over Tsukasa's clit with each pass.
His brother's hiccuping breaths started coming out faster as he twisted and bunched the sheets to his mouth with both hands to keep his little noises inside.
"Amane, wait. Wait, I'm too hot, wait—!" He pushed his fists against Amane's shoulders.
Amane did not wait. He smothered Tsukasa with a kiss and greedily swallowed all his sweet reservations. It was a tragedy that Amane wasn't able to hear them, for his first time. His baby brother's first time… All thanks to Amane. Amane, who made him turn cherry red. Amane, who made him whine and moan. Amane, who made him cum for the very first time, trembling and overwhelmed beneath him, feeling pure, hot, liquid pleasure roll through his tiny body.
All it did was make Amane want to touch him more. To take Tsukasa's shorts off and feel for himself how soft and warm he was, how tight and wet he was, all for Amane. To get himself off on the moans and the slick little noises as he curled a finger into his brother, places where not even Tsukasa had touched before. Make him feel everything all over again. And again. And again.
He shouldn't. He wrapped his arms around Tsukasa and kissed his temple as his little brother slowly relaxed.
"I love you, Tsukasa."
Amane really did love him. Loved how vulnerable and trusting he was, and how easy it was to get him to love Amane back.
But when he didn't say it back, all the mushy thoughts in Amane's mind were immediately replaced with doubt.
Why should Tsukasa love him? It was Amane who just robbed Tsukasa of his first time. Who pushed him too far when he wasn't ready. Who let Tsukasa start this, when he should have told him to go back to his room, where Tsukasa should have explored his own body by himself, at his own pace. It was Amane, who selfishly took more than he had any right to. The most disgusting older brother in the world. There was no way Tsukasa should love him.
"Amane," Tsukasa asked, after a minute.
"Hm?"
"I think I peed." Tsukasa hid his face in Amane's shirt. "Just a little! I'm sorry."
"That's okay." He didn't need to explain right now. Tsukasa would probably get that it wasn't pee after he did this a couple more times. "Do you want to change your underwear?" Amane offered.
Tsukasa nodded, so Amane pushed them both out of bed and got one of his own clean pairs of underwear while Tsukasa took his off. Amane knelt and helped Tsukasa slip them up. Even got to see up close those flushed lips that parted around his arousal. Amane thought that he wanted to kiss Tsukasa there too.
He rose and gave him a kiss on the cheek instead. They hugged each other close. When Amane kissed Tsukasa's cheek again, Tsukasa kissed him in return.
"Amane... What happened?"
"What happened?" Amane parroted back, pretending he didn't know exactly what Tsukasa was asking.
"Is that what always happens… when someone touches you there?"
Despite knowing where Tsukasa was going, Amane still choked. "I-I don't know, no one's ever— Tsukasa, don't let anyone touch you there!"
"I know! I know." Tsukasa puffed his cheeks out childishly. "But you did."
Guilt pierced through Amane's chest like a knife. "You started it," he tried, scrambling for an excuse. He could say he was only helping.
"That doesn't count. You weren't really touching me until you used your hand." He shouldn't have. Amane should never have done that. He'd fucked up, he'd fucked up, Tsukasa resented him, he'd fucked up— "But it's okay because we're family, right?" Sneaking fingers ran over the front of Amane's shorts, the way Amane's had over Tsukasa's a few minutes ago. Shy, exploring fingers replaced the cold stab of regret with warm blood.
Amane curled his hands into fists, digging his nails into his palms. "Yeah," he heard himself say. "Just me. You and me. No one else." Awful, terrible Amane couldn't stop himself. "This is our secret too, okay? Even from mom and dad. They'll get mad if they know you're sneaking out of your room at night."
When Tsukasa kissed him on the lips this time, Amane swore he had never wanted to die as much as he did then. But he held the back of Tsukasa's head and let their mouths slide over each other in the quiet darkness.
Tsukasa pulled away first and yawned into his face. "Can I stay with you?"
"Of course," Not. You're too old. Go back to your own room. "You can stay with me anytime you want."
Tsukasa smiled wide and sleepy and crawled back into Amane's bed. "I love you too, Amane."
But he shouldn't. And Amane shouldn't.
Shouldn't have let three little words get to him either, when he buried his face in his hands and sobbed.