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“Scared, Xiao?”
Hu Tao’s touch was wicked—her hold on Xiao’s collar was deadly tight, like a god's grip on their follower. Her tongue was sharp with words only a man unafraid of death could speak, and as Hu Tao leaned in closer, Xiao questioned how much of this he could have.
“You don’t scare me, silver spoon kid.” Xiao said, his back rigid against the wall and arms crossed between them. It was such a small, cramped space; one wrong move and this would be over. Hu Tao laughed, like always. Everything about Hu Tao was like a double–edged sword that hurt even the wielder. Yet, here Xiao was, firmly taking her by the hilt and accepting any injuries.
“Then, kiss me. You won’t—”
When Xiao closed the distance and let himself close his eyes, he felt Hu Tao’s breath hitch in her throat. It was such a small, unnoticeable sound, but pride burned at the pit of Xiao’s ego knowing he caught the Wangsheng Heiress off guard. Hu Tao quickly adjusted, sitting on his lap and tightening her clutch on him.
It was supposed to be nothing more than a dare, a challenge that would never be spoken about again after that awful round of boredly playing seven minutes in heaven with their friends. But, with the intoxicating liquor upon their lips and the music bumping in the background as the party went full swing, it felt like two teenagers were messing around in a frat house’s storage closet.
Hu Tao’s devilish grin tasted of years of unsaid confessions, hidden meanings, and secrets she'd take to the grave. It was something that made Xiao realize this wasn’t the first time Hu Tao kissed someone, he was just the one of many.
When Hu Tao pulled back seconds before the closet door swung open to the cheers of partygoers, Xiao swallowed nervously as he felt himself stand up. He felt sober, because that was his first kiss. Xiao’s first kiss was with Hu Tao all because of a stupid dare—and, he liked it.
It was 3 A.M. when Hu Tao woke up to Xiao. Xiao, an insomniac who didn’t dare let himself be alone in the middle of the night, was asleep. It was one of the few times Xiao was overcome and conquered by his own nightmare monsters, where he either succumbed to the draining force of tiredness or died trying. Tonight was when he passed out, unwillingly allowing the darkest crevices of her mind to run rampant and haunt her in the dark.
Xiao was muttering something about freedom, a vain concept that others viewed Venti as the poster boy of, before thrashing in bed, his movements wild and unpredictable. Xiao didn’t let himself sleep often because when he did, the worst parts of himself became fueled by nightmare energy. Hu Tao sleepily blinked, pushing herself out of bed to softly walk over to Xiao's side, well they were just staying in the guestroom of Childe and Zhongli's house.
This line was one that Hu Tao trespassed often but it was a line Xiao never dared to cross.
Before Hu Tao could place her hand on Xiao's cheek, Xiao immediately yelled and shot up, his breathing uneven and heartbeat pounding in his ears. Hu Tao flinched back, not used to such a vulnerable visage of Xiao. Xiao made sure that he always came off as an indifferent person that didn't care about much. But now, he was himself.
The person Xiao was most afraid of at night, was himself.
“H–Hu Tao, you’re here…” Xiao breathed out, attempting to mask the gratefulness and exhaustion weighing down his words. Hu Tao didn’t react at first, simply settling her weight on the bed warily, waiting for any sign to stop. When Hu Tao finally put her hand besides Xiao’s, who was slightly shaking, Hu Tao carefully took it, lacing their fingers together.
Xiao’s hands were made of irresponsible and childish stories of his past, relentless and unsilenced anger at the rest of the world, and the pain and suffering of someone who burnt out with no purpose a long time ago. These were the calloused, scarred hands of someone dangerous — but, Hu Tao didn’t care tonight.
When Xiao turned his head and they were only inches away from each other, when Xiao’s half-lidded eyes glanced down at Hu Tao’s lips with no strings attached, when everything that made up Hu Tao was uncertain, Xiao knew he should’ve stopped. She should’ve never come over to his bed in the dead of night just to hold his hand, just to step over the line from years ago. But, she didn’t move to return to her bed. She couldn't.
Xiao moved in first once again, his palms sweaty and eyelids fluttering closed with a quiet sigh. When he pulled away to drop his forehead on Hu Tao's shoulder, whispering a quiet “thank you”, she didn’t say anything back. Hu Tao slept in Xiao's bed that night, and he was gone by morning doing god knows what. Something they’d both regret, for sure.
Hu Tao didn’t ask if Xiao was okay from last night’s nightmare, and Xiao didn’t bring up how for the first time, he slept for hours without fear.
Xiao didn’t know if he liked her. Was it… okay? He didn’t think of this until that one party after literally coming out of the closet with the rich girl. Damn, Hu Tao, always messing up his head in the most unpredictable ways.
Xiao didn’t know why he was questioning it. It more came down to whether he liked her or if he didn't like her.
Hu Tao, Hu Tao, the bane of his existence, who was currently underneath him. Xiao never thought he’d see the day Hu Tao would come out on the losing side so easily, but here she was, out of breath but beautiful as ever.
Hu Tao claimed Xiao was the only person in the whole entire world other than Zhongli that could even have a chance at beating her with a spear. She wasn’t necessarily wrong, but sometimes, it felt like an excuse so Xiao could pin her to the ground in victory.
Ever since their second kiss, it suddenly became a normal thing for them to do. To tease each other, to initiate intimacy on a wavering grey area, to pull each other close and never let go. It was all from years of pent up tension that never left them even into adulthood, now they could act on it without defining what their exact relationship was.
Fighting, was one of those previously normal activities that changed in an instant. Hu Tao could’ve easily just swung her legs out to knock Xiao over, but she chose not to. Instead, she grinned with her teeth sharp like some sort of predator, letting her wrists be pinned above her head like a prey.
“I’ll never lose to you, Hu Tao.”
“Come on, you know you want to—” Before Hu Tao could finish, she heard the practice room door swing open and Xiao was a foot away. Hu Tao sat up and numbly agreed when Zhongli asked with a sigh if they were fighting once again, to which Xiao hurriedly ran with. It wasn’t until the man left that Hu Tao stood up, facing off with no casual intentions like before.
“What was that, Xiao?” Hu Tao scoffed, but Xiao saw right through it. Hu Tao was hurt — insulted that she was just some secret Xiao kept all to himself. It made Xiao confused why he suddenly started to care more about how Hu Tao felt than what his uncle thought.
But, Hu Tao couldn’t know that.
So Xiao straightened his posture, using his half inch to his advantage and presenting himself to her.
“Spit it out, Hu Tao. No one understands anything if all you do is talk in riddles.” Xiao fought back tooth and nail, but Hu Tao came in swinging, asking the inevitable question that’s been haunting Xiao ever since that party closet challenge.
“Why do you always act like we’re just friends? Don't you like me?”
Xiao didn’t answer — instead, he looked down at the ground where Hu Tao used to lay. What was stopping him from responding?
Hu Tao laughed, but it was so different from the rest of the laughs he was used to. It sliced through Xiao’s indecisiveness like a double–edged sword. It was his fault, anyways, he took the hilt early on.
“You— You, you used me?” Hu Tao started off with pure strength but it trailed off into a moment of weakness. Xiao shook his head, eyes growing wide as he tried to come closer, only for Hu Tao to stumble back immediately with a glare that should’ve killed him on the spot.
“No, no. I didn’t, I swear to god I didn’t. I just don’t know, I’m not ready.” Xiao blurted out and it went quiet, with nothing but their labored breathing. Hu Tao took the words in and refused to show any signs of pain, instead crossing her arms and rolling her eyes as if she didn’t care. But, she did, tremendously so.
“Figure it out, then. I’m not your experiment, Xiao. I never will be.” Hu Tao finally said and left, leaving whatever undefined relationship they had together. Xiao let her go, letting the door slam shut.
“I like you, Hu Tao…” Xiao whispered, his fingertips ghosting over the curve of his lips before forming a fist. Xiao didn’t know how hard he punched the wall, but a hole the size of his heart was left in its place.
Xiao now knew he liked her in one way or another. Any walls or defenses Xiao managed to take down were rebuilt even stronger, and Hu Tao was not his anymore.
He didn’t know how to tell Hu Tao that he liked her, as way more than childhood friends and anything else they proclaimed themselves to be, until one babysitting session.
Hu Tao didn't complain about who she was paired up with to babysit Childe and Zhongli's child but Xiao, unluckily, knew she wasn't happy with the arrangement by the way her nails taped on the counter next him.
Hu Tao’s vivid eyes were something that lingered at the back of his mind, and now they were staring him down. Xiao just looked away, his thoughts heavy and all focused on one girl.
Xiao felt Hu Tao’s arm wrap around his and his mind blanked. It had been so long since they last touched each other, that everything within Xiao was shutting down. If Hu Tao was made of empty lies, rich girl pretentiousness, and inherent privilege, Xiao was made of hard hitting truths, quiet humbleness, and a life of many adversities. How could one so opposite of him make him feel so alive? Xiao ignored his heart that stuttered at the touch of Hu Tao, and just looked at her.
Almost on impulse, Xiao almost leaned in to sneak a quick kiss before the realization dawned on him: they weren’t each other’s anymore. Whatever that meant to them. So, Xiao faced forward and shrugged her off, ready to give the little kid his utmost attention.
As he walked towards the room where the child was he realized she was following him.
Again on impulse, Xiao turned towards her causing her to bump into him. As Hu Tao opened her mouth, Xiao beat her to it.
“I like you.”
“I don’t know what I am, but I do know I like you. I like girls, boys, anyone. I don’t know my sexuality for sure, but I know… I like you.”
Hu Tao took a while before saying anything, examining Xiao’s face underneath the hallway lights. It was honest, truthful, and certain, like this was something he knew all along. Sighing, Hu Tao giggled and revealed her classic Hu Tao grin.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
Hu Tao ran her hand through her hair tiredly, willing herself to listen for this conversation as she hummed something. Xiao leaned against the wall, the anxiety from confessing such a secret loud in his veins.
Would anything change? Could they get back to being together? Were they ever together?
“We… You don’t have to tell anyone about this, Xiao. I just needed to know this wasn’t some fling.”
Or a mistake, Hu Tao finished quietly, her words barely audible over the sound of their heartbeats. The tension in Xiao’s shoulders bled out as he looked at Hu Tao with subtle relief. The pressure to come out suddenly became non–existent.
“So, we’re…?” Xiao trailed off, unsure on how to define their relationship with one another. Just friends didn’t do what they did, but friends with benefits wasn’t exactly the case. Xiao was sure repressed feelings wasn’t apart of any of those subcategories. Hu Tao let her arms wrap around his neck and she stared at Xiao with a knowing smile.
“I’m all or nothing, you know that.” Hu Tao laughed and Xiao didn’t realize how much different it sounded compared to those seven minutes in the closet. Having a girlfriend, that sounded more than okay.
“Scared, Hu Tao?” Xiao was scared but he was willing to take the risk just to be Hu Tao’s.
“You don’t scare me, Xiao.” Hu Tao wasn't that scared, she knew the boy she's been obsessed with could just go in and break her heart anytime but it was him, Hu Tao would let him if it meant she was Xiao’s.
Xiao didn’t remember how many times he kissed Hu Tao at this point, but he did it again and again. Xiao kissed Hu Tao — and he liked it.