Chapter Text
“This is a mistake.” That is all I could hear in my head as I walked up the stairs to my room. Each step felt more heavy to walk up as I could feel my face heat up with tears that I tried to stop from streaming down my face. Finally I got to my room and closed the door. “ This is a mistake.” I fell to the floor and started sobbing.
“This is a mistake. This is a mistake. This is a mistake.” It kept replaying in my head, almost taunting me. He didn’t want me. I felt my heart, my soul crack at those words. Azriel. My first real friend here. The person who saved me from Hybre, the one who made me feel like Pytharian could be my home, the one who made it my home. Azriel. I could still feel his hands on my neck and then I froze. I felt my hand brush against the necklace. The stupid necklace. I took it off and looked at it. The necklace was absolutely beautiful and I knew he had to have spent a while looking for it. I felt more tears stream down my face as I continued to look at it. A reminder of another person who didn’t want me. I once again thought of his hand on my neck and I remembered the shift in the air between us. The scents that we both had. We both had them. The look he gave me. His hand on my neck. He wanted it, didn’t he? Was I too caught up in my own feelings that I pressured him into it? I did didn’t I? He didn’t want me, no one does. I looked down at the necklace again and wanted to throw it out the window, but then I realized Azriel would probably want it. I mean he most likely spent a good amount of money on it. I sat on the ground for another minute before pulling myself together enough to walk down stairs. With each step down I hoped he wouldn’t be there and to my relief the living room was empty. I walked over to Azriel’s pile of presents and my shaking hands put the necklace down on top. I looked at it once more and admired how beautiful it was before I could feel my eyes well up with tears once more and ran back up to my room.
I could feel myself start to cry again and I realized. I was no one’s choice and I never would be.
Graysen didn’t want me, Nesta had her new group of sisters, and Azriel. He didn’t like me like that. I could feel my breaths becoming shorter and it becoming harder to breathe. Breathe. I couldn’t breathe. I could see it. The cauldron coming closer and closer. The guards hands on me as they are dragging me closer. Breathe. I screamed and cried as we got closer and they threw me in. Breathe. I wasn’t breathing. I could feel myself drawing in the cauldron, my body changing, the voice in my head becoming louder and louder. I couldn’t breathe. I tried to scream but my head kept pounding and my body ached. Finally I felt myself coming to the surface. Breathe.
I gasped as I came out of the vision. I could feel myself shaking, sweat and tears streaming down my face. Breathe. I was breathing. I was in the night court with my family. I was safe. Hybren was dead and I wasn’t in the cauldron. Breathe. After a few minutes I finally caught my breath and calmed down. I could still feel myself shaking as I laid down on the bed, not even bothering to change into my night gown as I felt myself get drawn into sleep. Sleep filled with visions that woke me with a start like every other morning.