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"Shall we play the truth or dare game? Come on!"
"Yeah, come on guys, it's just between us..."
That was how this evening with my group of friends had begun. Everything was going well. A really good evening.
Except for the fact that during a dare I was locked in a closet with Sander.
All good except that I don't like such tight, enclosed spaces and especially not with Sander just a few inches away from me.
I like Sander. I like him a lot.
But we're friends and I don't want to ruin our friendship.
But I was not breathing in that closet and I panicked, so Sander understood, took my face in his hands and said:
"Breathe with me Robbe, breathe..."
how could I tell him that his face so close, his hands on me were giving me a heart attack more than a panic attack?
Fortunately we got out and continued the game.
The bottle thank goodness wouldn't stop on me or Sander for several rounds.
Then Britt spins and the bottle turns to me.
Truth or Dare.
"The closet again? No thanks...
I choose truth."
Britt gets comfortable and starts talking:
"So Robbe... tell us...how long have you been in love with Sander?"
Silence falls.
My eyes fill with tears
"Fuck you Britt. I'm going to my room."
How could she have done this to me? How?
The party was over.
"What the fuck were you thinking?"
Britt still sounded sure she did the right thing, "Come on guys, he's been drooling over him for months and months...I wanted to help him.."
"Nice help Britt no one got it."
Sander stays with Jens to fix up
Robbe's house while the others have been gone for a while.
"I can hear him chirping but he won't
answer"
Sander has been silent and serious until that moment.
"How long has it been?"
"What?"
"How long has Robbe been in love with me?"
"Sander I shouldn't... “
"Come on Jens, would it change anything by now?"
Jens sighs.
"Since forever Samder. Since the first time he saw you. And he's never stopped, despite your stories and tales of hot nights with girls or boys, he's still standing there, waiting to get the courage to declare himself."
Sander says nothing and walks toward my room. He knocks.
I didn't want to see or talk to anyone, not even my best friend.
"Jens go away. “
"I'm not jens."
Silence
"Robbe open up."
"No."
"Why?"
"You shouldn't have known."
"Why?"
"Not like that.at least.”
"Can you open the door, Robbe?"
"I can't Sander. Give me time. Please."
Sander rests his forehead on the door for a few seconds.
Then he turns and walks away.
I feel him stay by the door for a while but I also feel him leave and in a way my heart breaks even more.
Britt had ruined
Everything
Everything
My reputation, my feelings, my relationship with Sander....
I would never leave that room again.
Four days had passed when Britt called me.
"Can I come over?"
"No."
"Robbe come on! do you understand that I did it...for you?"
Robbe's wave lashes out at the phone
"For Me? Or to make sure you still had some hope with your ex?"
"You're being unfair."
"Unfair Britt, unfair? I never got in the way of your business even if it involved Sander, Jens or someone else and what did I gain from accepting you as a friend?
That after I told you my secrets you spilled them to the world."
"Robbe, I...."
"Go to hell Britt leave me alone."
Britt throws her phone on the couch.
"Are you Happy now?”
Sander had listened to the call. He was the one who had asked Britt to do it.
"Yeah."
"Where are you going?"
"I have to talk to someone."
When the woman opened the door, her eyes grew big and bright.
"Excuse me dear but Robbe don't..."
"I would like to speak with you ma'am, can you take a walk with me?"
"Sure."
She faces the stairs and shouts:
"Robbe I'm going out for a minute I'll be right there ok?"
She takes Sander under her arm and they walk off.
"Come on start asking"
"How long have you known?"
"About Robbe and his feelings or you?
Sander I'm his mother...right away I'd say."
Sander clenches his fists
"Why...why didn't anyone tell him to tell me?"
“Because he's always been clear honey: he'd rather be friend with you than lose you."
"But he...he doesn't know how I feel..."
Sander's mother stops and faces Sander’s green eyes
"And how do you feel Sander?"
He tries to look at her, but his
eyes are filled with tears
"I love him. For a long time. The other stories were just a way to get my mind off of him.
I've spent days admiring every single detail of his face...I love the way he tries to protect everyone at the cost of hurting himself...I'm proud of the courage he had when he came out.... Robbe is my rock not only during my crises, Robbe is the missing link in my existence...I didn't want to hurt him by telling him how my heart was bursting every time he stayed over...instead I just made it worse by pulling him away from the truth and hurting him.
We're both stupid."
"No, you're not stupid, just young and scared."
"What should I do?"
"I can't tell you Sander, but I'm sure you'll find a way. Use the clearest way you know how to tell him things."
Sander nods
As he walks Robbe's mother home he knows exactly what he needs to do and runs off.
And what about me?Well, while all this is going on around me, I'm just in
my room and trying to make sense of the last few days.
My mom is out for the night shift and I have to find the strength to eat something.
Someone knocks on the door to my room;
"Mom?"
"It's Sander."
"San... please..."
"No wait I just need to drop something off...I'll just slip it under the door"
I see a drawing paper appear under the door: I take it and I see two hands holding each other, fingers interlocked and I know exactly who they belong to.
On the bottom some thoughts in Sander's beautiful handwriting:
'We have had the same dream for quite some time Robbe. Being your friend was never really enough for me. I'm sorry it took us so long and I didn't want to tell you like this but it doesn't change how I feel.'
My cheeks streak with tears, this time though they are light tears.
I open the door to get to him but Sander is there, leaning against the wall in my hallway. Waiting for me.
"Sander."
"Can we talk later? I'd like to kiss my boyfriend now if that's okay with you."
I nod and enjoy the taste of him. I enjoy his softness.
I enjoy Sander in his entirety.
"Are you staying here...with me...tonight?"
"Tonight and until you kick me out."
"Then my mom will have to get used to having you around the house."
"My guess is she can't wait, she loves me."
"I know, we all love you in this house.”
"Excuse me?"
I take a deep breath
"I love you Sander forever and ever."
"I love you too Robbe, always and forever."
"No more secrets, okay?"
"No more secrets... can I have your lips back now?"
"Sure babe...they're yours, they've always been yours..."
The End