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"A dancer dies twice, and the first one is the most painful of all."
Martha Graham
two years ago.
The stage.
When it comes to fame, music, art. The stage is where the artist finds their comfort, their place. Even if it is a small stage or big one, or even if it is not a stage, but just the gratitude to show your talent in front of people who admire and believe in you. The excitement, the adrenaline, the intense agitation that the screams of those who adore you can cause.
But Changbin couldn't do it this way anymore, so he just ended up his second shot of cocaine before he reached the center of the stage with his bass. People yelled like crazy, there were some bras thrown at him already, he smiled lazily, starting to play the instrument. He knew that the lyrics were showing up on a screen at the edge of the stage, but he was too high to care. He missed his cue so he kept going, glancing at his band with guilt displaying in his eyes.
At this point of his career he really wasn’t giving a single fuck. The criticisms were already all over the tabloids.
SPEARB. From A Great Idol To A Complete Junkie.
The first song of this tour was his new single, he was making money singing the song that he made for his ex. He was proud of it, even if he wasn’t capable of holding a single note, even his fingers were too sore to keep playing his bass, even if he was too stoned to give a damn.
Changbin tried to concentrate again, knowing that Chan would be pissed at the end of the show. It was the last concert of his tour, he needed to at least try.
He finally was able to start singing.
“ I'm not tryna have another conversation. Probably not gonna wanna play me on your station. ” He was a failure but he was still on the charts. “ Pourin' out a bottle full of my frustration. Here to tell you something that you don't know. ” His rough voice and drive making people go insane, he smirked, closing his eyes, his heart pulsing in his throat. “ I'm the type to drive a pick up through your mansion. I'm completely naked but I'm making it fashion. ” He made a gesture pointing to his bare and tattooed chest and abs. The crowd went insane. “ Maybe getting married just to cause a distraction. Here to tell you something that you don't know. ” They were singing along with him, one hand left his bass so that he could show his middle finger singing the next verse. “ Am I wrong that I moved on and I, and I don't even miss you? ” Changbin was a sweating mess, his mind in a blizzard, his fingers trembling, he tried hard to not miss the next notes. “ Thought that it'd be you until I die. But I let go. ”
He left the chorus for his fans to sing.
“What the fuck do I know? I'm alone. 'Cause I couldn't be somebody's hero
You wanted an apology? Not from me.
I had to leave you in your own misery.
So tell me, baby, am I wrong that I moved on?
And I, and I don't even miss you.
Thought that it'd be you until I die. But I let go.
What the fuck do I know?”
His mouth was dry, he felt his veins pulsing, the lights were blinding him. He tried so hard to breath. His bass too heavy on his shoulders, the music was too loud, his heart racing like crazy.
He was overdosing.
The last thing that Changbin remembered was him throwing the instrument on the floor.
Then.
Blackout.
I.
nowadays.
A young lady tied his long dark hair in a perfectly ponytail, then straightened the dark blue satin shirt he wore, she excused herself before opening two of the shirt buttons, leaving some of his chest exposed.
“Ok, you’re next, Jinnie.” His manager showed up at his side, smiling fondly at him. “All the questions were approved by the company, but you know how these big talk shows work, right?! So if she makes a mean comment or tries to push you against the wall. Do what you do best: be a brat.”
“I know, Seungminnie. It’s gonna be ok.” Hyunjin left his chair, giggling at his manager. The staff going behind him, they stopped him to attach a lapel microphone. He was trying to calm himself more than his manager, it was his first time in a big talk show.
Hwang Hyunjin was a rising star. His new single was on the top, two weeks in a row, on the Billboard charts. He was dragging a lot of attention, being a new young fenomenon. He stretched out his own neck, preparing to make his entrance, letting his best smile show when the presenter called his name.
He bowed and waved his hands, laughing for the audience, letting his charisma show through from the first moment. The interviewer pointed to the chair in front of him, Hyunjin sat down thanking her politely, crossing his legs, trying to calm his burning heart.
The interview was going smoothly, no question had escaped what had been agreed with the agency, Hyunjin was prepared to answer all of them.
Until.
“So, you have some kind of inspiration? An idol? Who is the favorite idol from the new favorite worldwide idol?” The lady asked, blinking her big eyes, smiling.
“Uh. I'm a huge SpearB fan.” Hyunjin honestly answered. “He’s one of my biggest inspirations, since he never let no one write songs for him. I’m really proud of my work, I’m really proud of what I wrote and produced so far. So, yeah, SpearB is my idol.”
The presenter opened her eyes wide, as if she did not believe his response.
“You mean, Seo Changbin?! One of the most problematic stars around there?!”
Hyunjin bit his bottom lip, and licked it. He knew that his answer was completely out of his appearance. Him, a perfect pop artist, nice and very praised by his cordiality, being a fan of a decadent junkie rockstar.
“Actually I have liked him since 3Racha.” He confessed. “He had this garage band at the beginning, I even have their first record!” Hyunjin cleaned his throat, his smile showing his dimple. “I don’t think he's the most problematic artist around there. What did he do? He used drugs, so what? The media has a great tendency to show only one side of the story. He never mistreated anyone, he never got into any scandal involving other people's lives than his own. And when he showed the world that he needed help, you crucified him.”
The interviewer opened and closed her mouth a few times, processing his response slowly. Hyunjin didn’t resist smirking. “So your dream collab would be with him?” The woman quickly changed the subjects.
“Yeah. My dream collab would be with him. I broke his Billboard record, it would be cool if we broke my record together.”
.
.
.
Chan watched it again. The incredible cute dimpled and handsome guy: “Yeah. My dream collab would be with him. I broke his Billboard record, it would be cool if we broke my record together.” The social media were blowing up with this information, this single part of the interview going all around the internet. “SpearHwang Please Collab” trending worldwide on twitter. He sighed, checking his main box again. There were already five emails from Hyunjin's company left unanswered.
It would be a good move. Actually it would be a
great
move. If he could convince Changbin.
He prepared himself psychologically to enter his best friend's penthouse.
When Chan opened the door he came across a common scene.
Changbin was lying down at his huge black leather couch, half naked, a glass of whiskey in hand, smoking a cigarette.
It was only ten in the morning.
At least he wasn't smoking weed.
“Hey buddy, how’s it going?!” Chan was holding two big sized Starbucks coffee, one of them was Changbin's favorite. He sat at the man's side, exchanging a kindly look. "What do you say to me if we trade this glass of whiskey for this amazing dark coffee without sugar that you love."
Bin blinked a couple of times, raising an eyebrow. He gulped all liquid, putting the glass on the dark old fashioned wood table in front of him. He grabbed the coffee from Chan's hand, thanking him with a mumble. He wasn't drunk, yet. That was his first shot of whiskey, he had just woken up.
Changbin put out his cigarette, knowing that Chris was kind allergic to it. He took a sip of coffee. "Ok, just spill it out." He knew that when his manager had something to ask, Chan always acted like that when he needed Bin to behave.
"I have something to show you." The older man held his phone, playing Hyunjin's interview again, he watched Changbin's reactions.
Changbin bit his lower lip. "Wow, this guy." He paused the video. "What the fuck. He's gorgeous." He zoomed the image. "Look at his dimple, he's a damn prince." Changbin smirked. "Are you trying to seduce me knowing my weak ass for handsome young model-look-like boys?!"
"Was his appearance the only thing you paid attention to?" Chan rolled his eyes.
"Yeah. 'Cuz despite his appearance he's just saying nonsense stuff." Seo mumbled, gulping a lot of his coffee. "I don't know what this kid is thinking about saying something like that, but I'm taking the interviewer's side."
"Bin… You have been out of the stages for two fucking years and still on the charts, buddy. And he is not that young, though." Chan squeezed his best friend's shoulders. "You were on top of Billboard until he broke your record."
"Great, then maybe they'll finally leave me alone, having a new phenomenon to piss off."
"Bin-"
"Channie, we discussed it already! I'm not going back to the stages, ok?! You and Jisung should just give up on me, for your own sake." He threw his back against the sofa, burying himself between the cushions. "I'm retired."
"You never give up on us, why would we do that to you?" Chan glanced at him with sad eyes.
Changbin, Chan and Jisung were best friends since kindergarten, they were that trouble maker trio, the teachers' terror and girls' love. One day at Changbin's fancy garage, the young Seo had the brilliant idea that they should be a band. 3Racha was a punk rock garage band, they started covering Blink 182, with Bin as the bassist, Chan as the guitarist and Jisung as the drummer. They had a great amount of energy and creativity, then soon they started to write their own songs.
For Changbin's luck his parents were great people, even if they were millionaires, they were completely humble and always leashed their son's dreams. They built a small studio for the boys, so they were able to release their first original single. With Bin's parents' great contacts they made some concerts here and there.
One night, when 3Racha finished one of their shows in a relatively famous pub in the region, a guy from a record company became interested in them, it was when they released their first album. Of course, as a punk rock band, they were not very successful beyond that same scenario. However, Changbin has always been a highlight, both for his charismatic and fun way on stage, and for the incredible lyrics he wrote.
He drew the attention of a major agency, but when they offered him a solo career, he refused. Changbin would never be able to leave Chan and Jisung behind. As his best friends, they almost killed him when they knew that, claiming that he should have accepted, because they recognized his talent.
Bin went back on his answer, but on one condition. Bang Chan and Han Jisung would at least produce with him. That's how Chan ended up as Changbin's manager and Jisung became his official drummer.
"What exactly do you want from me, Channie?" The short man asked, almost pouting.
"I'm just asking for you to give it a try. Listening to some of his stuff, give him a chance, he's really something despite the pretty face, I swear." Chan rested his hand in Changbin's thigh. "I'm asking you this and five hours of your sobriety. 'Cuz we have a meeting with his agency tomorrow morning."
Changbin wided his eyes, feeling betrayed. "Five hours?!"
"Come on, Binnie!" Bang made his puppy eyes. "Five hours completely clean, that's all I ask."
"So… I suppose Jisung is going to babysit me tonight?!"
"Yes sir, he and Felix are coming by."
“I should open a bottle of wine, then.” Changbin stood up, yawned and stretched himself.
“Changbin.” Bang sent him darts with his disapproved and tired gaze.
“What?!”
“At least eat something, please.”
.
.
.
“Oh, please. I think I’m already in love with him.” Changbin giggled, he was watching Hyunjin’s live videos on his immense Smart TV. “This is so generic, but is a good kind of generic, he’s really talented.” He took another sip of his wine, directly from the bottle. He was completely drunk. “Did the heartbreak change me?! MAYBE.” Changbin made the bottle as a fake mic. “Don't show up, don't come out. Don't start caring about me now.” He was only in his briefs, dancing in the middle of his leaving room. “Walk away, you know how. Don't start caring about me now. Are you listening to this bass line? Oh my fucking god, he worked on the arrangement?!”
“How many times have you watched it already?!” Jisung laughed hard at his friend. He knew that Changbin wasn’t very into pop songs, finding cute he was so immersed in listening carefully to Hyunjin's songs as Chan had asked. Even though he was completely high.
“I think it's the fifth time he's heard this one. I started to count.” Felix smiled, it had been a while since they last saw Changbin excited about something. “Baby boys, it’s time to call out the night, I’ll clean up this mess.” He walked over to Jisung, leaving a peck on his boyfriend's lips. “Try to convince him to take a shower, please. We need to make him sleep.” He whispered against Sungie’s mouth.
“Let’s go to the battle! Wish me luck.” Han giggled at his freckled boy. Watching him start to pick up the cans on the floor. “Hey, Bin. What about a shower?!” Jisung smacked his best friend's ass, making him jump and tried to punch him. "Come on, we need to call up the night, or Chan will kill us." He gently put his hand on Changbin's broad shoulder, carefully grabbing the wine bottle from his hand.
"Just one more bottle, sir. I swear. It's the last one!" The shorter man insisted, pouting. "We're just having fun, Jisungie."
"Bin, you promise." Han made a frown, judging. "You never break your promises, so come on, let's take a shower, eat something and sleep."
"Geez, you're so lame." He mumbled. "Are you and Lixie taking a shower with me?" Then smirked.
Jisung laughed at him, rolling his eyes. "No threesomes for drunk brats, maybe next time, though." He held Changbin's waist, guiding his drunk ass until the bathroom. Trying not to fall when his best friend left all his weight on him.
The only healthy habit that Changbin still had was going to the gym. So, he still preserved his built body.
Going from the beginning of his right chest to the entire length of his arm, on that same side, it was filled with black and gray flower tattoos, it started with tulips, then roses, dandelions and lotus flowers. So, yeah, Changbin was someone to admire. That's why Felix and Jisung fuck around with him a couple times, but they stopped afraid to break him more, then started to try took care of him.
His drinking problems started when, on his first world tour, he received the news that his father had died of a brain tumor that was found too late. It got worse when he started to date the great superstar model Lee Minho, it began with pretty pills and ended up with Changbin overdosing in the middle of his own concert and losing completely his passion for music.
They couldn't force him to go to therapy or go to a rehab clinic, so the only thing left was to be by his side and look after him.
"Come on, Binnie, you need to eat. You haven't eaten anything since we got here." Felix shoved a whole spoonful of ramen into Changbin's mouth, forcing him to gulp it. "See? It's not that hard."
They were in Seo's plus king sized bed, Jisung had already bathed him and put him into comfortable and warm sweatshirts. "You don't want to meet your new crush with a hangover, right?!" Han hugged him from behind, kissing him on the cheek, caressing the dark strands.
Changbin mumbled something that they didn't understand, already dizzy from sleep, Felix was able to make him swallow two more spoons and take an aspirin to prevent him from waking up with a headache.
"This was easier than I thought." Jisung whispered, feeling his best friend snoring against his chest, Changbin was in the middle of him and Felix, they were watching the man like he was their baby. "I haven't seen him so excited about something related to music in a long time."
"He was truly excited, he really enjoy Hyunjin's new album." Lix mouthed back, leaving a peck on the top of Bin's head. "Do you think it's a good idea?"
Sungie shrugged, finding a way to peck Felix's lips. "We'll see."
.
.
.
"I'm already regretting it." Changbin groaned, grumpy mode on, when he noticed where they were. "Really, hair and make up? Only for a meeting? Are you kidding with me, Channie?" He kept mumbling, being guided through the establishment. "I can seduce him and his whole team by only showing my muscles!" He flexed his right arm full displayed from the tank top he was wearing.
"You will definitely not use this." His stylist entered by the front door of the hairstyle shop. "If you're back, you're back using Prada."
"First of all, good morning for you too, Chaeyong." Changbin rolled his eyes at the woman. "Second: I'm not back, it's only a meeting with this huge new phenomenon, at the time they look at my junkie ass they'll feel sorrow."
“Don’t say that, Bin.” Chris at one of his phones, probably checking social media or checking on the schedule. “You are entitled to another cup of coffee, will you want it now?” He asked, smiling, knowing how stressed his best friend used to get at these kinds of appointments, especially if he was sober.
“Yeah, sure.” Changbin thanked him, checking his own smartphone. He hasn't looked out for social media since the beginning of his hiatus, it was like entering a jungle of madmen, he observed the timeline of his twitter private account, regretting it as soon as he saw a thread with theories about which maybe he and Minho had got back together. He gave up, looking for Hyunjin’s last album on Spotify, shoving his earphones into his ears.
He felt very comfortable around his staff, they were like family. After the huge success that the album totally dedicated to his father made, Chan, he and Jisung packed up and created their own label, just so that they have more creative freedom, and stay away from bonds. Because they didn't mind releasing other artists, although Chan and Jisung still composed for other very famous singers, it was how they made a huge amount of money.
Despite the family thing, Changbin always felt that, when he started to break apart, his team treated him walking on eggshells. Afraid of, at some point, he began to throw a tantrum on them, something that he never did. He was a drug addict and an alcoholic, but he never reacted violently. He would lock himself in the bathroom, sniff his cocaine and leave as if things were perfectly fine.
Everytime he fell apart, he fell alone.
Only Jisung or Chan saw him in uncountelessly awful situations, like that time he almost destroyed his whole apartment, burning Lee Minho’s stuff. They knew that because of fire alarms and it obviously leaked to the news.
Is SpearB on fire?! He maybe took it too seriously after Lee Minho dumped him.
It was on TMZ's front page the next day.
.
.
.
The upscale restaurant was relatively remote from the city, Chan explained that it was because they wanted to prevent spreading rumors about their meeting.
“I've been sober for three and a half hours now, and I'm sensing that it's past five.” Changbin pointed out, lighting up a cigarette as soon as he left the black Mercedes, he was wearing black Prada from head to toe, for his stylist's pleasure.
“Hold on just a little longer, okay. It will be quick.” Chan smiled fondly at him. “His manager seems really kind, and he's not under a big company, despite the success, so we aren’t dealing with assholes, at least it’s what I think.”
“Hmm.” Changbin inhaled the cigarette slowly, smoking upwards. He already felt the anxiety building in his chest, not knowing if it was due to the meeting or already withdrawal symptoms. “Are they already inside?!”
"I think so." Chan replied, looking at two other cars parked near the establishment. “Come on. You get this!” He threw one arm over his best friend's shoulders. Changbin stubbed out his cigarette, walking next to him.
The first time that Changbin saw Hyunjin, at that interview that Chan showed him, he thought “Wow, this guy is gorgeous.” But now, in front of him, he was feeling about to pass out. Hwang Hyunjin wasn’t just gorgeous, he was perfect. His long black hair was loose, almost reaching his shoulders, they looked so soft that Changbin had to restrain the urge to touch them. His body proportions were perfect, Hyunjin was wearing a pastel blue cardigan, light jeans and yellow all stars, he walked like a model, breathed like one, and he wasn’t wearing any makeup.
Changbin wondered a few times if he was real, maybe he was an android.
Even with all the intimidating atmosphere that man's extreme beauty carried, Changbin couldn't help but find it cute the way his ears went completely red when they shook hands, Hyunjin avoided Seo’s stare, smiling timidly at Chan also shaking his hand.
Hyunjin's manager looked as young as he did, he had a soft expression on his face and a bright smile. Making Changbin feel almost comfortable around them.
They sat in front of each other.
“So. As Mr. Bang knows, I’m Kim Seungmin. Hyunjin’s manager.” He introduced himself. “I’m really glad that you answered me, it’s an honour to meet you.” He kept his bright smile.
“Let's just drop the formalities already, Mr. Kim! You can call me Chan.” Chris also had a gift for making people feel comfortable around him, so maybe that would work.
“And you can call me Seungmin, then.” He glanced fondly at Chan, next dropping his eyes on Changbin. “So… I’m going straight to the point of this meeting. Hyunjin is a huge fan of your work, and as you already saw, people seemed excited about the idea of seeing both of you collaborating. So, we were thinking about two singles, one Hyunjin featuring Changbin, another Changbin featuring Hyunjin, if you agree with that.”
“Wow, wow. Hang on in there!” Changbin didn’t wait for Chan’s answer. “If you telling me that Mr. Hwang is a huge fan of my work, so he knows how I work.” He tried his best to not be rude, but his fingers were already trembleling. He took a deep breath. “Look. I don’t know what you saw in me, and I’m glad that you like my work, but this will definitely not work if we’re working together only for commercial purposes.” He watched Hyunjin's expressions light up as he spoke. “I’m tired of this bulshit, you know?! That’s why I quit.” He confessed. “I agreed to come because your music really caught me, even for pop songs.” Changbin stared at the singer. “You seem a nice guy, Hwang Hyunjin, your voice is sweet and you’re talented. But I don't want to be responsible for you being ate up by this crappy world. So if we’re doing this, we’re doing this slow. ‘Cuz I’ll need time to try again.”
The room went silent.
Hyunjin cleared his throat. "Minnie…" He nervously wiggled his fingers, managing to avoid Changbin's glance. "Can I… Can I speak with Changbin privily? Do you mind, Mr. Bang?! It will be quick, I swear."
Seo raised an eyebrow at that request.
"Sure. Of course. He's all yours!"
Damn Bang Chan.
They were left alone. An uncomfortable silence hung over them.
"So…" Hwang Hyunjin was hyperventilating, he was alone in front of his biggest inspiration. And his biggest inspiration was so damn hot. He cleaned his throat for the fifth time in a row. "Ok. So. Yeah, I'm a huge fan of yours, and I'm feeling kind of a teenager right now." His ears and cheeks were bright red. "I told Seungmin that you probably wouldn't take it but… Hm… This may sound a little creepy... I really feel like I've known you for years, even though all I know about you are things that came out in public." He confessed. "So I know that you don't work like this, you love music so much, or… Loved. So what I'm asking is not a collab, Changbin. I… I really want to work by your side, I want you to be my mentor, you're my biggest inspiration. I don't know why you keep saying that you don't know why people admire you. You're a fucking big deal, you're one of the best artist that I ever met." Hyunjin took a deep breath, realizing that he was talking too fast. "I don't want a collab. I want to help you recover your love for art and music."
Changbin could work with that, at least try. Chan set up things with Seungmin, and he and Hyunjin exchanged numbers, Hyunjin's company would soon get in touch with them to formalize whatever they were up to.
"You really liked him." Chris pointed out when they were riding home.
"He seems to be a good kid, that's all." Bin groaned at his best friend. "So naive, but a good kid."
"He's only three years younger then you, Bin."
"Still a kid." Changbin mumbled.
As they reach Seo's penthouse Chan hugged him saying goodbye. "I think they will want to meet us again tomorrow, so… Try not to get so wasted, ok?! I know you can if you want."
"Right, dad." The shorter man teased, getting rid of his best friend's embrace. "I'll try my best."
So he was alone, again. As he was always left to. And he was destined to be, though. His apartment looked bigger than it actually was, he could feel his heart racing, fingers trembling and mouth drying. Changbin opened his fridge, took a beer can, lit a cigarette, put Hyunjin's album to play and stood contemplating his own loneliness at the kitchen table.
He needed to sleep, but he was on his fourth beer can, watching some dumb shit TV show. When he stood up to get another drink, his phone rang.
A message notification.
Hwang Hyunjin:
- 😬 im sorry. this is dumb and youre probably sleeping. but, can you check this? is something that im working on.
🖇️ demo.mp3
Me:
ohh hi. and no im not sleeping 🤣. ill check it rn.
Hwang Hyunjin:
omg. you dont need to!
Me:
but i will! hold a sec.☺️
Changbin pressed play on the file he received, being surprised by Hyunjin's sweet voice, he also played a piano. The melody was simple, the notes were not elaborated, it was really raw work, but with great potential. He crossed his apartment, forgetting about his beer, he went to his studio. It had been a while since the last time he entered that place.
It was clean, even if he didn't enter, the person responsible for cleaning the apartment always kept his studio tidy. He turned on the soundboard, plugged in his bass, that probably needed new strings, and just needed to hear Hyunjin's song two more times to be able to add the instrument. He also risked putting some upturns with his acoustic guitar.
Me:
i did something, can i call you?
Hwang Hyunjin:
of course!
Changbin didn't really realize the time, but it took him four water bottles and three cigarettes to notice that he was working on music again, being almost completely sober.
“Oh my god. Changbin, look what time is already!”
Hyunjin’s voice sounded shocked through the speakerphone. Changbin looked at the clock, noting that it was after 6 am. “Ops. I think we let ourselves go.” He giggled, taking his smartphone with him, opening the studio’s door, the sun was lazily rising, illuminating the living room through the large glass doors that led to the balcony. “You must be tired, Hyunjinnie.”
“No! I’m not. It was fun. I've already learned so much, and it was only a few hours, I can't imagine what I'll be able to learn when we're really working together.”
Bin couldn't see him, but he was pretty sure the boy was wearing a shy smile on his face, showing his charming dimple. “We’re already working together.” He added, being inevitable for him to hold a smile.
“I know, I mean, I mean in person.”
“Yeah, I can say that you have great potential.” Changbin walked until the balcony, opening the doors, he smelled the fresh air, then heard a yawn. He laughed. “Hyunjinnie! Go to sleep.”
“No! I just need a cup of coffee.”
“Ok, so bring me one then.”
“What…?!”
“I’m asking you to bring me a coffee since you’re getting one for yourself.” He explained, finding cute Hyunjin’s reactions. “We can continue our work together here, if you don’t mind, or is your schedule busy?”
“In fact, today is my free day… Starbucks?!”
“Sure. Mine is a dark coffee without sugar.”
“Geez, do you even have a soul?!”
Both laughed.
“I wish I didn’t have one, though.” Changbin mumbled. “I’ll send the location, my battery is dying, I’ll notify the reception that you’re coming and they’ll give you access to the garage.”
“Ok, I’m on my way, Changbinnie.”
“See you soon, Hyunjinnie.”
II.
It had been a month since Changbin and Hyunjin started working together. Things were going really smoothly between them. Hyunjin's company had a recording studio next to the beach, an excellent place where they could work in peace, away from the media. But, they didn't just talk in the studio, Changbin constantly exchanged messages with the popstar, and they didn't just talk about music, but shared their tastes and slices of life.
Changbin realized that Hyunjin didn't have many healthy eating habits, he hated most vegetables, especially eggplant. He also found out that he and Jinnie shared the same weird sense of humor, which made the boy laugh hard at Changbin's bad jokes. The rockstar could say that he was happy working with him, and he was a sucker for Hyunjin's dimpled smile.
Despite his drinking habits every night until he was able to sleep, Changbin was constantly spending most of his days sober, without much suffering. He spent the day distracted at the label, trying to compose and help Hyunjin on some tracks for his new album. The rockstar also got close to Hyunjin's producer, a pretty young boy, a little genius with a sharp tongue.
"Jeonginnie." He mumbled, glanced at the guy next to him. "There's something missing." Changbin bit his lower lip, listing to the arrangement again. "We need Hyunnie." He pouted.
"Yeah, I don't think he's coming today, he has this photoshoot." Jeongin answered him almost yawning. "I'm gonna grab some coffee, want some?!"
"Nah, I'm good."
The days without Jinnie at the studio weren't Changbin's favorite ones. He needed to confess that he really enjoyed the other man's company, almost like he was addicted to it. Even though Jeongin was fine, Chan and Jisung were always around, that was not like Hyunjin's presence, with him there was no boredom.
He heard the door open, "Innie, I changed my mind, now I want a coffee." Changbin teased the younger.
"Oh, so that's why Jeongin says that you're baggy." Hyunjin's soft tone came as an answer.
"Jinnie?! Hi!" The older turned the chair around to look at Hyunjin, who held a huge yellow dandelion in his hands, hiding his face behind it. "What is that?!" He giggled finding it cute. "I thought you wouldn't come today."
"This is for you." He held out the dandelion to Changbin, feeling his face heat up completely, his ears flushing. "It was a quick photoshoot even though I didn't think it would be. But it ended sooner than expected." Hyunjin smiled shyly.
"Should I make a wish?" Bin stood up, accepting the gift with a smirk, realizing that the flower was fake. "Oh. I can't blow it."
"That was on set, I couldn't think of anyone but you. So, I... I kind of stole one. It's fake, but that doesn't mean that it will not give you luck, since it's my gift." Hyunjin, looked at his own feet, avoiding Changbin's dark eyes.
"I’m flattered!" Changbin chuckled, approaching Hyunjin, leaving a soft peck on his cheek. "Thank you, Hyunnie." He whispered.
There was no way Hyunjin would get more embarrassed by the situation, then his manager appeared behind him. "Okay, so, I heard you guys wrote something together?!" Seungmin cleaned his throat, staring at them, analyzing.
"Yeah." Bin stepped back, as if nothing had happened, but a smile was still playing on his lips. "We worked on some verses, I also recorded a guide. We can show you, if you want!" He wasn't excited about creating music for a long time, it was like feeling alive again.
"I'm pretty sure that I don't have to listen to it to know that you're doing a great job. Both of you have good chemistry together, everybody around here doesn't stop to bable about it." Kim raised an eyebrow, waiting for their reaction, he saw Hyunjin avoiding his glance, Changbin remained unbothered. "By the way, I was talking with Chan, and we wanna know if you think that the song can come out with Hyunjin's new album."
Changbin bit his lower lip, thinking about it, caressing his own chin. "I'll need to promote it live?!" He's tone was concerned, he wasn't sure about wanting to perform live yet.
"Yeah, and also record a music video."
The shorter man sighed, struggling in his own thoughts.
"Bin, you don't need to-" Hyunjin seemed to know what Changbin was thinking, only by looking at his unamused expression.
"No. It's ok." The older mumbled, nodding, saying it more to himself than to the others. "It's ok." He said out loud. "We can work on it, Jinnie." He smiled, his tiny dimple showing. "Together."
Changbin stretched out on the chair, massaging his neck next. "I think I need a cigarette!" He announced, standing up. "Did you guys need something?! Lunch time?!"
"I'm good. I already ate." Jeongin was almost taking a nap on his chair.
They had progressed a lot in recording the b-sides, the title track was almost done and there was only the collaborative track between Hyunjin and Changbin remaining.
"They gave me some things to eat at the photoshoot, I'm still full. But, I can go with you if you want!" Hyunjin didn't know why, but he always felt like a fanboy talking to Changbin.
"Right. I'm just going to smoke, then we can go!" Bin nodded, rushing to the door.
It was fun how he constantly felt his heart race when he was around Hyunjin, but he couldn't tell if he was intimidated by Hyunjin's stunning beauty, or was it something else, he shook his head negatively, trying to dispel these kinds of thoughts. It didn't take much effort to ignore the strange sensations about Hyunjin, not when he almost bump into someone he definitely didn't expect to see around.
"What are you doing here?" Changbin's jaw clenched when he saw Minho. His hands fisted.
It had been over two years since Changbin last saw his ex-boyfriend. He hadn't changed at all, except for his hair color, which was now orange. Lee Minho still had the same mocking smile, kitten eyes and perfect nose.
"I came to grab Channie for lunch." Minho answered in an obvious tone, then he seemed confused with Changbin's reaction.
"Hi bab- Binnie?!" Chan's eyes widened when he saw his best friend. "I thought that you were with Hyunjin at the studio."
"I was. I came out to smoke." Changbin blinked a couple times, processing the scene in front of him. It couldn't be, right?! Chan and Minho? Without Chan even saying a word to him? "Wait." He took steps away from them, breathing hard. "Are you together?"
Chan's ears were red, he was visibly uncomfortable and embarrassed. "Bin…"
"You didn't tell him?" Minho raised an eyebrow.
"I was-"
"You got to be fucking kidding me. Since when?! Since when are you dating?!" Changbin's voice trembled, his jaw was still tensed. He felt his stomach ache.
"It's been a year." Lee Know simply said, smirking. "I thought you knew."
"Bin." Chan tried to reach his best friend's shoulder, but Changbin slapped his hand away from him.
"I can't. I just- Fuck." His eyes demonstrated pain, he went back inside in harsh steps.
"Why did you act like this?" Chris hissed at his boyfriend.
"Wow?! Are you mad at me? I didn't act like shit, I just told him the truth, something that your coward ass couldn't do." Minho snapped.
"I was about to tell him, I just-"
"You need to stop treating him like a baby! For fuck's sake." Minho shook his hand, annoyed.
"I'm not treating him like a baby, I'm just being patient with him, something that you weren't capable of doing." Words came out like darts.
"Oh. So that's-"
"What the fuck happen- Lee Minho?!" Hyunjin was in a rush, wided and desperate eyes. "What the fuck is he doing here?" He stared at Chan, waiting for an answer.
"Glad to hear my name in a Superstar mouth." Minho mocked him.
"Lino, don't." Chris glanced at his boyfriend, feeling in the middle of a war. "Hyunjin, where is Changbin?"
"He just left by the side door. He grabbed your car keys and left, he was pissed, saying something about "don't trust anyone." Hyunjin felt anxiety growing in his chest, worried.
"Shit." Chan sighed. "We need to go after him." He started to move, but Hyunjin got in his way. "What-"
"What the hell happened?!" His voice was high pitched, angry.
"Hyunjinnie I'll explain later, we need to go after him. He lost his driver license, drunk driving, he can't drive."
"I'll go after him. You just take him away from here." Hyunjin held the urge to spit on the floor gazing at Minho. "If that's what I think it is. He will probably don't want to see your face either."
He was shaking his legs, biting his fingers, almost praying while looking at the road. He and his manager were driving for fifteen minutes now.
"Hyunjin." Seungmin had his eyes on the road, paying attention, looking for a black Mercedes. "You need to calm down, we'll find him. He couldn't reach far." He side glance at the popstar.
"I know. I just. I don't want him in trouble." Hwang sighed, starting to bite his lower lip.
"Can I ask you something?" His manager had a worried tone, kind of suspicious.
"Hm?!"
"Are you in love with him?"
Hyunjin gasped. "What?" He blinked a couple times, ears and cheeks flushed. "I have known him for just a month, Seungmin."
"I know, but… He was your idol, or something like that, you admire him ever since." Seungmin pointed out. "I know it was just platonic, so I hope that it stays platonic."
"STOP THE CAR." Jin yelled when he saw a black Mercedes parked next to the beach. "It's him. That's Chan's car." He didn't let Seungmin even park straight. "You can go. I'll find him, talk to him and bring him to his home." Hyunjin had an urgent tone.
"Jinnie I can't just left you here-"
"Yes, you can. Do this for me just once, I can handle this. Bye, Minnie." He jumped out of the car, running to the beach like his life depended on that.
He didn't need to run much, in five minutes he stopped when he saw a black figure sat on the sand, curled like a ball. Hyunjin sighed in relief, resting on his knees to take a deep breath, then taking small steps next to the man. “Bin?!” He whispered, restraining the urge to touch him. “Bin… I’ll sit right by your side, ok?!” The younger warned, straightening up while sitting on the sand. They were not far from the sea, and the tide was rising. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, I just want you to know that I’m here, and I have no intention to leave you. I’m here with you, ok?! If you want to stay here, if you want the sea to take us, I’ll be right here with you.” He recognized that he was talking too much and shut his mouth embarrassed.
It took a while until Changbin raised his head, and Hyunjin avoided his red and swollen eyes.
“You don’t need to.” Seo mumbled, watching the blue water in front of him, feeling so small, so vulnerable, weak. “You don’t need to do this, Hyunjin.” He said out loud, locking his eyes with the younger’s. “Thank you, but… You can just leave me alone. You have more things to do then take care of a fucking failure.” His lips shivered, and he looked up at the sky, trying to fight against stubborn tears.
“I’m here by my own choice, Changbin. I’m not here to take care of you, I’m here to listen to you if you want to talk, or be your silent company.” Hyunjin bit his lower lip. “If you say you don’t want to, so I’ll go back, punch Chan in the face and run.” He giggled, trying to light the atmosphere.
It worked, because Changbin chuckled with him and nudged him next. They stay silent for a while.
“You know. Minho is not a bad person.” The older man bit inside his own cheek, thinking about what to say, he always had a hard time expressing and talking about what he felt. “He is not the villain that I picture in my songs, I swear. But… I… I don’t know. And I’m not mad with him and Chan dating, not at all. Chan is the best person I know, I would give my life for him and Jisung, I really would! But… They have been together for a year?! Like. A whole fucking year? And Chan didn’t even try to tell me this shit.” He released everything in one breath. “Chan is awesome, he’s really capable of making Minho happy, he’s this guy that everyone is comfortable around him, he’s contained, and focused.” Changbin moistened his lips. “I’m just this broken piece of shit, never being able to do anything, always making everyone worried, unable to spend a day without at least a bottle of wine to try to sleep.”
That was so painful to hear. Hyunjin felt helpless, he wanted to hug Changbin, hold him and say that he was absolutely none of that. “You’re wrong, Binnie.” He said instead. “You’re so dumbly wrong!” They look at each other. “You’re strong, you’re so strong that you even know your own strength! And about Minho and Chan?! They’re both assholes, you don’t need to defend them, they only thought about themselves, they were selfish and didn’t think about you for a second. Stop to shove yourself down. You’re incredible. Chan can make people comfortable around him?! Yeah, and you can make people laugh until they almost pee in their pants!” This made Changbin beam, and Hyunjin was satisfied.
“You shouldn’t be this nice, Hyunnie.” He was feeling lighter, and hearing those words from Hyunjin, as much as he didn't believe them, was comforting in a way. “Come on.” Changbin stood up, taking his shoes and dark shirt off, his tattooed chest at full display.
Hyunjin winded his eyes, his ears getting bright red. “What?”
“Come on, let’s swim!” He held out his hand to the youngest, giving the best smile he could get.
Jin didn’t have another choice than taking Changbin’s hand, stripping his own shirt, taking his shoes off, he tried to avoid the other man's glance, pretending that he didn’t see him biting his lips. “Seungmin will murder me if I get a cold.”
“He will have to murder me then, as the guilty one.” Bin giggled, grabbing Hyunjin’s hand and pulling him into the sea.
Both screamed and laughed hard when the water reached their feet, it wasn’t cold, in fact the temperature was very pleasant. They didn't go very deep, just enough for the water to cover their waists.
“Hey!” Changbin exclaimed, drawing Hyunjin's attention, splashing water on him, then giggling like a cheeky child.
“That’s unfair! I was distracted!” He replied, throwing water back at the shorter man.
“What is distracting you this much, Mr. Hwang?!” Seo raised an eyebrow at him, the sea was calm, their bodies swayed with the little waves.
Hyunjin avoided Changbin’s glance, flushering, he really tried not to stare at Bin’s bare broad shoulders. He bit his lower lip, approaching him. They were close enough to feel the heat of their bodies, Changbin’s hand ghosted Jin’s waist, like he wanted to know if he could, Hyunjin's arms went around his shoulders. Their noses were touching.
They pulled apart when they heard a camera sound clicking and then a scandalous flash.
Things happened fast, in seconds Changbin was out of the water, chasing the photographer, running until he felt his lungs hurt, but the man was already far away from them. He yelled, desperate, frustrated. “FUCK!” He aggressively passed his hands through his wet hair, pulling some strands. Feeling his chest ache, it was hard to breathe, not only by the physical effort, but the anxiety caused by the accident. “We’re so screwed. FUCK!” Changbin kicked the sand.
“Bin, hey, no. Calm down, we’re not-” Hyunjin reached him, panting.
“We are, Hyunjin, oh my fucking god!” His hands didn’t leave his head. “Why is everything like this?! I barely entered your life and I’m already destroying it. Why?!” Changbin’s fingers were trembling, lips shivering. So hard to breathe, it was so hard to breathe. “That’s why I need to stay away from people, that’s why I didn’t want to do anything, ‘cuz I’m always ruining everything!”
“Binnie, no… No, don’t say that.” Jin perceived how the older man was being swallowed by despair, he tried to come closer, gently putting his hands on Changbin’s, rubbing them. “It’s not a big deal, I know that guy, it’s gonna be ok.” He slowly tried to pull Changbin's hands down, speaking softly, gradually embracing the shorter one’s body. "It's okay, please breathe. It's okay." The younger spoke to his forehead, pressing a peck in his wet skin. Changbin was shaking, and it wasn’t for the cold breeze. “I’ll call Seungmin, we know this asshole, he will try to bargain the picture first, trying to earn money. We’ll pay and he’ll erase it. It’s ok. You’re not ruining anything, you’re not destroying anything. I’m so glad to be around you. Please don’t say these things about yourself.” He heard a loud sob, it made him hold Changbin even tighter. “I’m gonna take you home, come on. We can't get a cold.”
They were already reasonably dry when they arrived at Changbin's penthouse. Hyunjin warned Seungmin that they were fine, and told him about the incident with the paparazzi, Kim reassured them by saying that he would fix the situation and they would not need to worry about it. About Chan’s car, Hyunjin wasn’t miding much, he left it at the parking lot from Bin’s building and the keys at the reception. He didn’t know if he needed to ask his manager for a ride back home, and his doubts were saned with a shying question:
“Do you wanna stay?!” Changbin scratched behind his neck, bewildered. “We can order something, you can take a shower, I don’t want Seungmin killing me if you get ill.” He chuckled. “My clothes will fit you, I think.” Biting his lower lip.
“Sure! I’m defily hungry now. What will we eat?!”
After they both showered and got rid of their wet clothes, Hyunjin didn't mind when Changbin opened a bottle of wine, offering him a crystal glass of the beverage. When the food arrived, he was already a little tipsy, and Binnie was opening another bottle. He refused this time, preferring water, and realized that the older man barely ate something, just taking some chips for the hamburger they ordered. Hyunjin tried to put his attention again at the random Modern Family’s episode playing at the TV, the silence wasn't awkward, they already talked a lot about their lives, mostly Hyunjin spoke about his, then the room went silent. Their bodies move very spontaneously close to each other. Hyunjin let his head fall on Changbin's shoulder, he still felt a little dizzy, since he was weak when it came to alcohol.
"Binnie!?" Hyunjin whispered, trying to get the other's attention.
"Hm?!"
"You don't really need to answer it if you don't want to. But… What really happened between you and Minho?" Hyunjin raised his head a bit, to get a better look at the other man.
That was really a sensitive topic for Changbin, not that he still felt something for Minho, he really didn't feel anything for the model. When they first met, Changbin was at the top of his career, it was supposed to be a one night stand, but they caught some feelings for each other. These feelings ended up being just hornyness.
Changbin moved so that his face was really close to Hyunjin's. "Well. We didn't love each other, I think. At least, he never loved me. I was so dumb expecting that I could count on him for something. He's not a bad person, he's just minding his own business."
"He seems incredibly selfish." Hyunjin kept staring at Changbin, he glanced at the other man's pouty lips, then looked away.
"Well… He is." The older man sighed, moving closer, shrugging. "What can I say? I'm a weak guy for pretty faces and tiny noses." Changbin mumbled, his wine breath tickling at Hyunjin's nose. Their lips touched softly, with no urgency, just curiosity. His right hand held Hyunjin's cheek tenderly, while his left hand wrapped around his waist.
The youngest yearned, eyes fluttering shut, he moved slowly until he was in Changbin's lap, with one leg on either side of him. He couldn't hold moan softly against Bin’s lips, arms all around the other’s shoulders, fingers tangling in his hair. It was funny how Hyunjin for much of his adolescence and adult life, imagined himself in a situation like that. In Changbin's arms, kissing him greedily.
They let themselves be carried away by the touches, moving away a little to catch their breath, Changbin lowered his lips down Hyunjin's chin, making a trail of small kisses up to his neck.
“Bin…” Hyunjin whined, gently rocking his hips against Changbin’s.
It was like breaking a spell. Seo’s eyes wided, he pushed Hyunjin away, almost making him feel off the couch. “Oh my fucking god, I’m so sorry, Hyunjin.” He was clearly panicking. Changbin could feel his chest ache, guilt consuming him completely. Hyunjin looked at him with a confused expression on his face. "Hwang, I think you better leave." He was always doing this, he was always screwing up. Always using the people around him. He couldn't do that to Hyunjin, he would never forgive himself if he did that to the boy.
“What?! What are you… What are you apologizing for- Oh.” It was as if Hyunjin could read the pain in Changbin's expression. “No, Bin… No. You don’t need to be sorry, I kissed you because I wanted to.”
“You’re drunk! I’m being an asshole, I’m so sorry. Just. Please, just leave.” He tried to keep his breathing normalized, choosing to walk away when Hyunjin tried to touch him.
“Ok. I’m leaving. I’m leaving. I’ll call Seungmin.” The youngest did not try to approach again. "I'll wait for him outside." He bit his lower lip, trying not to show over how upset and worried he was about the other man. "Please, no... Whatever your head is thinking, it’s wrong, Binnie. I kissed you because I wanted to, okay?! You don’t need to feel sorry. It was just a kiss.” Hyunjin hoped he wasn't making things worse. “I’ll see you tomorrow, ok?!” He walked slowly to the door, watching Changbin sit on the sofa again, expressionless.
He managed to feel his heart break at the sight. Hyunjin had never felt so helpless in his life, hesitating for a long moment before leaving.
But still, he left.