Chapter Text
I never thought that it would end like this
You promised nothing but eternal bliss
The joy and comfort that you gave, I miss
-- Lie 2 Me, Fern
December 2020, Seoul
Seokjin buries his hands in his pockets as he walks, heat packs giving little warmth from the winter chill.
The fog forms on his every breath, the crisp air brushing against his skin.
Christmas lights twinkling in colorful hues greeted him on every shop he passes by, doting on how people anticipate a joyous season every year, to celebrate, to remember.
He stops for a moment as he passes by a café, looks at it from the outside of its glass windows, and from his mind, a memory sprung from its dark depth...
a cozy piano melody, the burnt smell of coffee, his head leaning on a steadfast chest, warm laughter, kisses on the forehead, and in a blink of an eye, gone, wasted away, as if it never exist.
He continues on his way, shoving the memory back in the corner of his mind.
Earlier that day, the sun decided to show itself after a few days of white grey mornings, so he chooses to walk to his filming location instead of taking his car. Filming finished a little after dusk giving way to a night still young, and he remembers college nights of booze and partying with friends till dawn but now he just wants to go home and feel a warm embrace.
Walking near Han River, where he can see his building a couple of blocks away, a fountain show starts and the dazzling color of the rainbow illuminates Banjo bridge.
He stops as he watches it mesmerize children, couples, bystanders.
He felt as a pinch of white frost settles at the tip of his nose, condensing into a droplet, and he realized snow started falling from the sky.
The first snowfall of the year.
He held out his hand and saw as a snowflake lands and melts onto his palm.
Joyous laughter was heard from children, amusement from the adults, but he can only stare at it in blankness.
There was a time he loves snow, adored how magical it looks, the purity and softness of it, amidst the numbing cold because he knew there's a comforting hand,
a breath that can bring warmth back.
But ever since that day,
he can only see snow as a bleak, frigid, fickle little thing
like a dream dissolving as soon as one wakes up...
December 2015
Soft warm kisses trail the back of his hand as he opens his eyes, and he smiled at the love of his life beside him. They're still on the road back to Seoul coming from Daegu.
"I hope I didn't wake you up, baby. Had a good sleep?" Taehyung asks, glancing at him.
Seokjin leans close, his nose scooching onto Taehyung's neck, his other hand wrapping around Tae's waist. "I did, you want us to switch? I'll drive hun, you get some rest."
"Nah babe, it's my turn. You drove us to Daegu, remember. And it's an hour away to Seoul now."
Seokjin nods and hums in approval as he took in Taehyung's scent of woodsage and sea as if lulling him again into a dreamland of a warm fresh ocean.
Seconds pass and he starts to press soft little kisses into Taehyung's neck that made the younger tickle and laugh. "Jinnieah, I'm driving. Can it wait till we get to our apartment? or we can stopover, I see a hotel over there--"
Seokjin pulls his body away. "Hun, that's not. I'm not asking for that..." Seokjin's ears start to go red and he opens a gummy pack and fed Taehyung a gummy bear which made the younger chuckle.
"But you know it's turning me on." Taehyung slyly smirks, his other hand starting to caress Seokjin's thigh. "And you wearing that pants again is not helping." pertaining to the large patch hole near Seokjin's inner thigh.
"Ya Kim Taehyung, stop it. Wait till we get to our apartment." Seokjin smiles and holds Taehyung's hand instead gazing at the scenery of wilted trees they're passing by, skies a shade of dark grey approaching nightfall.
Snow started falling as they drove closer to the city, which made Seokjin open his window for a moment, to catch and feel a snowflake, his favorite season, their birth month.
Taehyung lets him, anything to make Seokjin happy even though the freezing breeze of the winter chill outside almost overturns all the heat in the car and made him shiver.
Seokjin quickly closed the windows again, warming up Taehyung's hand with his own, breathing out a warm breath into their palms.
They saw as the snow had already piled up and covered Seoul in a white blanket, Seokjin was giddy while he heard a sigh of disapproval coming from his husband. "Why? What's wrong hun?"
"Forecast said there will be no snow in Seoul, I didn't prepare us snow tires. We should've just took the train," Taehyung complains, worry in his voice with a slight tinge of nervousness, as the cars already pile up slowing down causing traffic, dark grey turns to black as the night settles.
Seokjin holds Taehyung's hand caressing it to keep him from biting his nail.
"They never get it right these days, but we're almost there. Hmm... from here, it's almost a fifteen-minute drive to our home or thirty with this traffic. We'll be fine," he says, keeping a reassuring smile to keep his husband's thoughts at bay,
Taehyung gazes into him kissing his hand. "I know, I'll be fine as long as it's with you."
Seokjin face scrunched up on the cheesy line making them both laugh.
He rests his chin on Taehyung's shoulders as they wait for the next stoplight. "You make me so happy, Taehyungie." and in turn Taehyung scrunched up his face mimicking Seokjin that made them laugh aloud, their forehead's touching,
but it soon faded as they heard a loud thud at the back of their car, making their car skid to a downhill road in uncontrollable speed.
Taehyung steps on the brakes multiple times but the car won't stop and it only did on an empty street intersection.
Seokjin's heart almost leaps out of his chest from the fright, Taehyung's other hand is holding him tight, and they looked at each other, their eyes struck with worry.
"You okay babe?" Taehyung asks, starting to hug him, placing a kiss on his head. "We should get out."
but Taehyung saw it before Seokjin can even pull his seatbelt off, on the rearview mirror the blinding lights of a truck is about to hit them,
in a second of impulse Taehyung hugs Seokjin's head close to him whispering I love you as the truck slams from the back of their car, throwing both of them off,
the impact almost crushing,
their blood staining the snow-covered road scarlet.
January 2016
The smell of antiseptic was the first thing Seokjin noticed, the bright lights fill his vision squeezing his eyes shut but slowly adjusted to see a beige hospital room.
The doctors and nurses rush to check on him, his eyesight, his memory, his reflexes that all turned out to be okay except for his bandaged right arm and hand that still aches.
There's a lot of questions in his mind, he doesn't know where to begin but there's only one thing he wants to know,
"Where's my husband?" he asks his brother Jungkoook, his friends Namjoon and Yoongi and they all looked elsewhere unable to meet his eyes.
Seokjin's heart sinks. "At least please tell me he's alive."
"He's dead, hyung," Jungkook says and for a split second, Seokjin felt like the air has been thrown out from his lungs but then he saw Jungkook's lips nibbled, and he knows this kid perfectly to tell that it's a lie.
He flicked Jungkook's forehead making the younger wince. "Nice try, brat. What room is he in? How is he?"
Seokjin slowly got up, life returning into his expression, excited to see his love, to check, to see if Taehyung's alright.
He's waiting for their reply but they only look at him with worry.
"Hyung, it's best if you don't walk around yet," Yoongi says, concern in his voice but Seokjin just smiles brushing it off.
"I've slept for a month, Yoongichi. My legs somehow needs exercise now, don't you think?"
He almost fell as he took his first steps but Yoongi caught his arm and guided him as he slowly regains his leg strength, they went out of his room and saw Taehyung's room just across his.
He was about to open the door when Namjoon stops it. "Hyung, I don't think it's a good idea to visit now,"
Namjoon's face grew serious, eyes not backing down, and there are a few times Seokjin only sees this, he knows Namjoon only uses this in the courtroom, but he's not in the mood to argue right now.
"Then when, Joonie?" he asks, but Namjoon doesn't answer, none of them answers. "I don't know what happened to Tae, and I'm quite sure you all know, but if you don't want to tell me now, I want to see it for myself."
Yoongi then gently holds Namjoon's arm away from the door and Namjoon can only sigh as it opened.
They immediately heard laughter as they walk in and Seokjin smiles as he heard Taehyung's deep voice, he saw Jimin and Hoseok in the room, he saw Taehyung laughing and showing that boxy smile, head all bandaged but the rest looks perfectly fine.
The laughter died down as soon as the three saw them, Jimin and Hoseok went to Seokjin to give him a hug, and after, his feet automatically went to Taehyung, launching himself to his husband embracing him fully.
"Thank God you're okay," he says as tears shone in his eyes, remembering how Taehyung protected him, how Taehyung's whisper still lingers in his head before the accident.
Taehyung cleared his throat and Seokjin looks at his husband, he can tell something was off, a curious set of eyes stares back at him, questioning, flashing an awkward smile towards him.
"Uh... Seokjin-hyung, right? Jungkook's brother? I don't think we've met before,"
Seokjin had a sudden bitter urge to laugh, waiting for Taehyung to smirk and snicker just to tease him like the way they reenacted an amnesia scene long ago when they're in Uni, waiting for his friends to say it's a prank because this usually happens only in movies. Refusing to believe in the way it will happen to them in real life.
"Stop the nonsense Taehyungie... I'm your husband, we're married," he says, eyes hopeful, holding Taehyung's hand,
but Taehyung only snortled as if he just heard the most absurd thing in the world, and Seokjin felt as if every laugh is a mock into their relationship, as if he's a madman trying to explain something to a nonbeliever.
Seokjin looked at his friends, and their fallen faces confirmed a nightmare.
He tries to speak again but his voice only cracks, words don't come out, his throat hurts so much, that if he tries to say another word he will burst out crying.
Taehyung looks at him as if he's a stranger, so much worse than the first time they met because their first meeting was a blessing.
It was as if the three years of them being together as boyfriends and a year of being married was all gone in a snap, dissolved into dust.
Later that night, the doctors affirmed Taehyung has dissociative amnesia due to the violent impact on his head. They scheduled therapy but none of the doctors can confirm if Taehyung's memories will come back.
They said the both of them coded at the OR table twice and it was a miracle they survived.
A miracle but he feels like it's a punishment, his husband protected him but he failed to do the same.
Taehyung doesn't remember all of their memories together, memories that are too precious for Seokjin, something he wouldn't trade for the world, it was four years filled with love, challenges in their relationships that made them stronger.
Taehyung's mind was still on his nineteen-year-old sophomore self in the Seoul Arts University studying Fine Arts and Photography. At a time that he only heard the name Seokjin as a senior Film and Music Production major from his classmate Jungkook in a minor subject, seen Seokjin only on stolen glances.
But four years already passed, they met, they fell in love, they became boyfriends, they graduated, and they decided to spend the rest of their lives together.
Seokjin sneaked inside Taehyung's room and he nestled in a chair hugging his knees as he watches the rise and fall of Taehyung's chest sleeping sideways.
He cannot sleep, not after a month of being in a coma.
Their friends already went home and the doctors said they can be discharged in a few days. All their bills were already paid for by the truck company that hit them, all taken care of by their legal friend, Namjoon. Their parents decided not to file charges anymore against the driver and he's glad they didn't because he's heard the driver begged for mercy, living on minimum wage with a small family.
Seoul was grounded in sudden snow that day and the truck driver lost control. He knew it wasn't the driver's fault, they were in the wrong place, at the wrong time when misfortune started to play games.
He gazes at the artificial stars of the city from the glass windows and remembered their midnight drives on a hill just to see the panoramic view of the sleeping city. The first time they went was their first kiss, the first love confession he got from Taehyung before he can even say his feelings out loud.
His mind drifts onto Taehyung's eyes earlier, it lacks familiarity, fondness, and care he always used to see, and wonders where it all went.
They were happy together, they weren't past their honeymoon phase in their marriage and he always hopes it never will, he expects that at least Taehyung's heart will remember him but questions keep repeating in his head in endless why's.
He lies beside Taehyung, just staring at his perfect husband, their foreheads touch, and he closes his eyes hoping that tomorrow will be different, that tomorrow Taehyung will remember their love.
Dec 2020, New York
A paintbrush strokes into a blank canvas, streaks of midnight blue and white, turning the edges into shadows, contoured edges in fine precision. Nullity metamorphosing into something unreal, breath-taking.
He finishes the abstract at the dead of the night in a day, all done but still unsatisfied, as if something's missing and he can't quite ponder what is it.
His critiques will say another masterpiece, he will think it's another incomplete design.
He met an art critique on his last exhibit six months ago that struck his mind, an opinion different from the rest, whereas they all said it was a success, that his works are magnificent, people in high places all over the world coming over to buy his paintings and photographs, but he remembers her saying,
"It lacked... warmth."
Taehyung sighs and breathes into his glass window, a small circle of condensation forms and his hand unconsciously traces off a name.
He gazes outside of his studio, shops are open, neon signs glowing, lots of people still out and about, nothing new to the city that never sleeps,
except snow started falling,
beautiful white snowflakes covering the streets in white and his mind drifted back to Seoul,
the back of his mind, still calling it his home,
and in a month, he will return to launch his next exhibit,
or maybe
he will return back for warmth,
on the glass window, the small circle of condensation evaporates back into the studio, with it the name,
Seokjin