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Toni thinks it’s silly. In a lifetime of hardship, of let-downs and loneliness, she never found a single moment of happiness. Sure, she had known joy though it was often short-lived. She had felt joy when she was eight and she managed to sneak some candies into her room and snack on them late at night in one of the many foster homes that plagued her childhood days. She had known joy at eleven when she won a basketball match for the first time in middle school. She knew what joy was when she was thirteen and she and Martha had spent the entire night binging the Harry Potter movies.
But happiness? That was something she hadn’t felt since her mother had been taken away when she was four. She remembers happiness then. Happiness was simple. Happiness was just her and her mom tucked under the covers reading late night stories. Happiness was pancakes and homemade orange juice in the mornings. It was watching her mom listen to her crazy fantasy stories while Toni bathe and splashed the entire bathroom. Happiness was soft smiles and warm hugs.
But happiness never lasts.
Toni learned that when the officers had taken her from her mother with only her jacket to remember her by, a remnant of her happy days. She learned it when the foster families she was sent to seemed like they could give happiness back to her but never kept Toni long enough to even know if they ever would have. Toni thinks what she had with Regan might have been happiness if she hadn’t messed up so badly. So, Toni came to the simple conclusion that happiness was never something she’d ever know. Happiness was something given but would inevitably be ripped away from her, maybe by her own actions or simply because of her mere existence. Maybe it’s something that would never last for her, maybe she wasn’t born to be one of those people with a happy and simple life she longed for so much. Happiness was only given to people that mattered. And Toni had always known that she didn’t.
Here on the island, she thinks differently. Because of course, out of all the people in the world, amongst the millions of people who had known or hadn’t known hardship, the universe still decided Toni would be the one to end up stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean with seven other girls. Right, because her life isn’t already that fucked up.
And of course, out of all the people she could’ve ended up stranded on an island with, she ended up here with a bible-thumping, annoying Texan white girl who just seemed to not know how to shut her mouth. And of course, because she’s so predictable, Toni would fall in love with her. At this point, she thinks it’s just a big cosmic joke.
And what’s even funnier? Toni thinks for the first time in a very long time, she might actually be happy. Silly, right? Happy on a deserted island, miles away from civilisation. Happy, with an empty stomach and frostbites at night. Happy, with heat dizziness and poor hygiene.
But also, happy with seven other girls who she now considers family. It took a while for Toni to even acknowledge the fact she might feel happy. She pushed the feeling down so much she thought if she even felt it a little it would be taken away from her in an instant. She thought if she put it out into the universe, it would laugh at her face and send the rescue teams to find them and bring them back to their old miserable lives. Every ounce of happiness she felt on this desolated island would evaporate, but even worse, that she’d never feel this happiness again.
And Toni tries very hard not to, but she does feel it.
She feels it with Rachel when she teaches Toni how to dive in the mornings and they bond over sports. Toni sees herself a lot in Rachel. They’re both very intense and passionate about the things they love. Rachel tells her about her relationship with her sister, Toni thinks it parallels her relationship with Martha. In the end they both agree that they took these relationships for granted. Rachel and Toni don’t speak much when they’re together, but somehow, they don’t need too. Rachel understands her, she understands the frustration of thinking less about yourself, she understands what it’s like to struggle hard to show that you matter. Toni finds comfort in not having to speak to be understood by someone. And when Rachel challenges her to a swimming race, Toni’s heart fills with thrill. She loses, of course, but the grin on Rachel’s face is rewarding enough.
She feels it with Dot, who Toni finds out is very much like her (minus the anger issues). They both are lone wolves. Dot tells her about her father who died a few months ago, and about her mother who had died when she was born. Toni tells her she’s a foster kid. Toni doesn’t know loss like Dot does. But she also thinks she doesn’t know strength like Dot does. Dot is kind and generous. She’s caring and warm. She’s also funny, her sarcasm almost matching Toni’s. Dot tells her she never knew what having friends felt like, she never had the chance to experience the normal teenage life. And Toni tells her she doesn’t know either and that all of this is new to her as well. She only ever had Martha as a constant in her life, no one ever stayed that long, and she tells Dot she’s scared that this – what the girls have found in each other, on this desolated plot of land – wouldn’t last when they go back to their lives. Dot looks at her and reaches out. She squeezes Toni’s shoulder and gives her a soft smile. She doesn’t say anything after that, but Toni understands what she’s conveying. “Impossible”, she feels where Dot’s hand had been. And though they might be loners, she knows Dot and her would never be alone again.
She feels it with Nora and Leah who convince her to try meditating to help her mend her anger. Of course, Toni first takes offense at this proposition but Rachel agrees to join with her and the look Nora gives her sister, a genuine and hopeful look, one Toni wishes Martha gave her, is enough to convince her to try it out. As is turns out, the smile Martha gives her – one that says, “Thank you” and “I am so proud of you” – fills her heart with that same nagging feeling of happiness.
They start their meditation sessions in the afternoon on a cliff near their camp. The view is splendid, and Toni can see Shelby and Dot’s silhouettes splashing each other in the sea. She can’t quite see their faces, but she knows that they’re grinning at each other. Toni’s eyes drift towards the camp and sees Fatin and Martha (and Marcus) playing Uno, she sees her best friend’s head thrown backwards, laughing at one of Fatin’s jokes, and though she can’t hear her, Toni knows Martha’s laugh is full and sweet. Toni smiles soflty. The sensation hits her again. It squeezes her heart tightly, not in pain, though Toni still feels the urge of crying. The others on the cliff still have their eyes closed when she looks at them.
She looks at Leah who Toni knows still deals with so many voices inside her head. They are very different, she thinks. Leah’s turmoil was always contained, she tended to keep it in her so much so that she always ended up lost deep inside her own mind. Toni, on the other hand, her turmoil was explosive, she couldn’t contain it even if she tried. She’d get lost in her own fury, that always exploded in her face. Her body always reacted before her mind; Leah was always too deep inside hers, always disconnected from the outside world.
She remembers one night when she was on fire duty, Leah had woken up from a nightmare, shaking. Toni had offered her a bottle of water to calm her down. Leah had seemed so small that night. She never really spoke much, and Toni could see her recoil deeper into her mind while she stared at nothing. So, she asked her if she wanted to talk about it, thinking Leah would decline her help. To her surprise, after a little moment of them just sitting in silence next to each other, she heard Leah whisper so quietly, “I wish I didn’t let myself hurt this much.” Toni didn’t understand what she had meant by that exactly, but she did know there were a lot of unsaid things hidden behind those words.
She thought about the many fights she had back in Minnesota, she thought about the bruises on her knuckles and sides, she thought about the blood on her nose and scraped knees. She thought about how she would always end up fighting because for her, caring for herself also meant she had to hurt first. That maybe, she had to go through the pain before she could matter. Toni understood what Leah had meant then. Maybe, they weren’t so different after all. How they dealt with their inner turmoil’s was different, but the pain they felt was still as intense.
She laid her hand on Leah’s and breathed out, “yeah, me too.” Leah’s deep blue eyes turned to her, they were bluer under the moonlight. “Maybe we ought to do it for their sanity.” Toni joked and pointed out at the other girls sleeping around the fire. Leah huffed out a wet chuckle. Leah turned her face to the other side where Fatin was sleeping. Toni saw something flash in her eyes, something she had a feeling, knew what it was. Another moment passed before Leah turned her head back to look in front of her and said, “maybe we ought to do it for ourselves too.” She didn’t look at Toni then, but Toni knew she was diving back into her thoughts. Toni held her hand until she fell back asleep.
Leah had come a long way since that night. Toni never mentioned it, but she saw the way Leah would look at Fatin sometimes. She knew that’s how she looked at Shelby almost all the time. Perhaps Leah had found in Fatin what Toni had found in Shelby. A purpose? Or happiness? She doesn’t know really, but it was something. Looking at Leah now, her eyes are closed, and her brows aren’t furrowed like they were before. In fact, she almost looks at peace, Toni thinks. Leah still had her moments though, and so did Toni. But they tried very hard, and that did count for something.
Toni lets herself drift again, her eyes closing. Nora’s on her right and Leah’s on her other side with Rachel sitting next to her. She can hear her friends’ soft breathing. Friends. Toni would’ve never thought in a million years that she’d get to call people that. She had Martha, of course, but Martha was more than that, she was her sister. Her person. Toni had her basketball teammates, but she hardly considered them friends. Now she gets to call these girls sitting next to her, having a meditation session together (for crying out loud), her friends. Toni lets out a shaky breath as subtly as possible, she feels her eyes water and tries her best to stop her tears from falling. She feels a soft pressure on her right knee and opens her eyes. Nora laid her hand on Toni’s knee, her eyes still closed. Toni lets herself revel in the feeling. All too soon, Nora’s hand is gone, but she still feels its warmth. And Toni feels Nora lean a bit more onto her, a comforting presence to keep her steady. Though Nora isn’t the best at understanding social cues, she seemed to always know when her friends needed reassurance. Toni closes her eyes again and feels her mind clearing out and her body relax.
Toni feels it again, later in the afternoon with Fatin, who teases her about her “heart eyes” when she looks over at Shelby. Toni doesn’t even have the strength to deny it because, well yes, she’s so in love already, denying it isn’t an option anymore. So, she says simply and softly “yeah”, a smile stretching on her face. Toni can feel Fatin’s stare and turns to look at her. She expects to find a smug smile on her face but the look her friend gives her is so earnest Toni still looks away, blushing.
“What?”, she asks her. Fatin puts her hand on Toni’s shoulder and says, “Nothing. I’m just happy for you. You deserve it.” And Toni thinks she might cry because she feels it so strongly now, the sense of happiness that blooms from her chest to every part of her body. “Yeah, I am too.” She manages to say, eyes settling back on Shelby who’s speaking and laughing with Martha. Toni looks back at Fatin and says, “you do too, you know?”. Fatin looks at her questioningly waiting for her to elaborate. Toni eyes drifts to the other side of the fire where Dot and Leah are speaking. She looks back at Fatin pointedly, who scoffs. “What are you talking about?”, she huffs, but it’s not convincing. Toni says to her, “You do too”, she looks at Fatin smugly and adds, “heart eyes.”
Fatin pushes Toni lightly, a little flustered but Toni just laughs. “Don’t be stealing my jokes, Shalifoe. It’s my job to get you all flustered.” Fatin jokes. Toni’s laughter dies down and says to Fatin, who’s looking at Leah with her eyes so soft, “you deserve it, too.” Toni bumps her shoulder to Fatin’s and they both laugh. She turns to look at Shelby who feels her eyes on her and gives Toni a sweet smile that seemed to only be reserved for her. Yeah, Toni thinks, maybe they do truly deserve this.
The first time she truly lets herself feel it, she’s leaning against a log near the fire with Shelby while the others are sleeping. She loves being on fire duty and the peace that it brings, listening to the thousand noises of the island. She loves that the sky is so clear, she can see all the stars shining brightly above her. Martha is sleeping soundly next to her. On her other side, Shelby shivers and tucks herself more into Toni. She feels Shelby’s warm breath against her neck and it’s Toni’s turn to shiver.
“You know, back in Texas, I would always fantasize about this.” Shelby says. Toni looks down at her and grins, “What? Being pressed up against one hot, raging lesbian?”, she teases her. Shelby rolls her eyes fondly and gives that special private smile that Toni swears becomes sweeter every time she sees it. Still, Shelby blushes lightly and says, “Well, that too. Yeah.” They both chuckle. Shelby takes Toni’s hand and intertwines them.
“I meant, well…” Shelby’s voice becomes quieter. Toni knows she’s struggling to find the right words and strokes her thumb on Shelby’s hand. Shelby sits a little straighter and decides to turn to look at Toni directly. “I never thought I would feel happy. At least not the way I wanted to be.” Toni lets out a shaky breath. It’s one thing to feel happy with someone, but Shelby being happy with her, that brings a whole new type of feeling.
“I never thought – no, I never let myself think that I deserved it because of… who I am. Well more like what I am.” Shelby continues. And Toni can see that Shelby’s still struggling to say it, that she’s still trying to reconcile with that part of her. But Toni still thinks it’s silly. Because if anyone is deserving of happiness, it’s Shelby.
No one deserves it more than Shelby. Shelby with her bright smile and optimistic attitude. Shelby with her giving heart and selflessness. Shelby with her soft voice and her eyes that looked at everyone else like they’d matter more than what they thought they did. Shelby who puts other people’s needs before her own, who isn’t perfect but tries hard to be good. If you had asked Toni in the early days, she’d probably tell you that Shelby was just faking it to get other people to like her. But the thing is, beneath all these layers and masks, Toni knows that’s what Shelby is like.
She had told Toni about her life back in Texas, how people would always ask things from her and she’d give it to them. She’d give them a smile if they wanted, an appearance to make them look good, a lie to fit their standards. She’d give herself up just to please other people’s expectations without a second thought. And still, she managed to be good.
Shelby would argue with her on that, though. She told Toni about her friend Becca, many nights ago. She told her about her pain and her regret, and how she let her best friend down. She told her about the last words – the last hurtful words – she had told Becca, had told her about the many nights after that, where she would always cry herself to sleep. Shelby had told her about her father, how he believed she had to be fixed. But most of all, Shelby had told her about the guilt she felt on all sides, with what she did to Becca, with who she truly is on the inside.
Toni would argue back and tell her that no one deserved to go through what she went through. That the mistakes and the things that she did in her past didn’t define her and didn’t make her any less deserving of happiness. She would argue back and tell her the many ways in which she does deserve it. “You saved my life”, she would recall, the same words she told Shelby on the bluff many days ago. “And besides,” she would add, “it’d be fucked up if we had to measure the amount of happiness that we deserve with what we’ve done in our lives. We’d all end up unhappy.”
So yes, Toni thinks it’s silly to think Shelby didn’t deserve happiness.
“I thought so too”, she tells Shelby. She looks at Toni. Toni watches the light reflecting in Shelby’s green eyes. She moves their hands to her mouth and kisses Shelby’s knuckles. “Yet here I am, with you, and those dumbasses, stuck on this stupid island. And I think I’ve never felt this happy in my whole entire life.” Shelby is staring at her now, Toni can see the tears forming in the corners of Shelby’s eyes. She smiles at Toni again, but it doesn’t reach her eyes, and Toni knows what Shelby’s thinking.
Toni’s never been good with words, so she does what she does best and tugs Shelby towards her and embraces her tightly. She feels Shelby’s tears soaking her sweater on her shoulder. They stay like that for a moment, then Toni decides to pull back to look at the girl she’s so in love with. “I am happy with you, Shelby.” She starts, taking Shelby’s face in her palms and wiping her tears away. “I never felt deserving of it until I met you. You make me feel like maybe I could matter. And I know you don’t feel like this about yourself yet, but Shelby you do. And I’ll spend my life proving it to you if I have to.”
Shelby’s tears are still falling, but she looks at Toni and says after a moment, “your whole life, huh?”. Toni laughs lightly and nods. Yes, her whole life, she thinks, because for once, maybe this could be a happiness that lasts. She kisses Shelby’s lips softly, the sensation of kissing her still brings that overwhelming but sweet feeling she felt the first time they had kissed. She kisses Shelby’s temple too and says, “you heard me right.”
And Toni thinks it’s silly that she’s stuck on an island, with seven other girls that she now considers her family. She thinks it’s silly that she found love like she hadn’t known before on a plot of land in the middle of the ocean. She thinks it’s silly that this is the way of the universe of paying her back years of hardship. But Toni also finds that she doesn’t care and that some questions are better left unanswered. She’s happy, and somehow that matters.