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It's complicated.
It shouldn't be complicated, but it is.
Complicated, it's such a cliché term to describe it, but anytime anyone asks about Ritsu and he, and what's up with them—it's always a tiptoeing, noncommittal question, no one ever asks for a definite answer. How obviously do they give themselves away? It's always 'so, you and Ritsu...?' Yeah, that's exactly it. It's he and Ritsu. He doesn't know why everyone is dying to know about it anyway, he just says, that it's complicated.
He, himself, doesn't even know what they are at this point.
Things are good with Ritsu. They've been good for the past year. Minimal fights, short-lived arguments, nothing more than normal. If Mao had to say, their relationship is pretty stable. He knows he's dense but not that dense, to be able to see that, in all the years that they've known each other.
That in itself is eerie enough, but there's also something completely out of the ordinary. Mao, on the surface, pretends to be nonchalant when they have sex. When Mao has sex with Ritsu, his childhood friend, it changes nothing. And he doesn't know why.
Mao can tell there's something still unspoken about it. Friends with benefits? Lovers? Boyfriends? Still just childhood friends? They've never established a label, they don't talk about it.
Mao has never asked. He's scared of knowing the answer.
They may have started off as neighbors, but Ritsu and he have always been more than just friends, friends since childhood is a thing that some people envy. They're closer than most normal friends, it's to be expected when you spent nearly almost every day with someone for over ten years. That teeny bit more might have gotten to his head, but Ritsu was his first, real friend ever.
Ritsu is important to him, living without Ritsu is something he cannot imagine and would rather not do, and that's the one thing he knows for sure. Ritsu in his life, as he already is or as his? Mao isn't the possessive type, and he knows that Ritsu is his in a way. Okay, maybe he is a bit, and genuinely wants Ritsu to be his, but how is he supposed to just say that, out loud and not in his head?
Friends with benefits? The safest route. That way, in the end, no ones feelings get hurt—which is an utter lie on Mao's end but he's willing to sacrifice to protect what they still have.
Is it okay to be like this? More than friends, less than lovers.
Is everything really the same?
It feels a bit shameful sometimes, not that Mao ever really cared about the implications of fucking someone you're not in a romantic relationship with, but when they sleep together it just, happens.
In the moment, he doesn't think about it at all, he just follows instincts and doesn't think about the consequences afterwards. Every time after as well, the process repeats. Sex really has complicated things, or at the very least, complicated the thoughts inside of Mao's head.
It's not every day, not all the time, it has not consumed their entire relationship, it's occasional. Frequently enough that Mao has learned about the most intimate parts of Ritsu's body and committed them to memory. How to get Ritsu turned on and trembling, the spots that Ritsu likes kissed the most, the little bit of roughness Ritsu encourages that pleases him, what Ritsu's face looks like when he gets off—he could go on and on.
He likes it, all of it involving Ritsu. It feels good, to be held by Ritsu, to be physical with him, to feel wanted. He knows it makes Ritsu feel good, it's mutually beneficial, so in his mind it's justified. He never once thought to stop, even when Ritsu kissed him for the first time.
Thinking back, he doesn't think he could have even stopped Ritsu. If he tried to, he'd end up kissing Ritsu himself.
He remembers the first time they did, it was right after the Operetta performance ended. In the dressing room where everyone stepped out momentarily except for the two of them. He remembers Ritsu's hair tied in a silk, red ribbon at the back very vividly, the way his fingers twisted into it, the catalyst. He started it, he thinks, but Ritsu made the first move.
Ritsu told him he loved him, like love, love and kissed him.
Mao fell fast. They didn't stop at just kissing, Mao didn't stop himself from holding onto Ritsu's face and deepening the kiss. They didn't stop at just making out, they didn't stop at taking each other's clothes off—and the entire time, Mao didn't want to stop, not once.
Before all that, Ritsu was going on about eternal love, marrying Mao, having kids with him, even Rei got into it and he said something about giving Ritsu away at the wedding. Exaggerated and dramatic things Ritsu always says, said when they were even kids, Mao has never taken it seriously. Ritsu says weird stuff all the time, even in that sense, Ritsu is effortlessly flirty by nature, Mao would guess that he says it to everyone.
And especially after they were done, panting, holding onto each other like they would die if they were separated, Ritsu never mentioned it again. Even now, he doesn't say things like that anymore, since then. At first, Mao thought he did something wrong, and they fucked up everything beyond the point of salvation. But then, he thinks that possibly Ritsu put too much pressure on himself, and doesn't actually want all of that with Mao, when it's all said and done.
But despite it all, Ritsu still crawls onto his lap, still gets him into bed, kisses his ear, whispering all his desires of what he wants to do with Mao—And no matter what, Mao follows.
After all this time Mao wonders, exactly who was playing with who's emotions. Which of their signals were more mixed? Mao would brush Ritsu off, but once Mao was willing to give it all to him, Ritsu backed down.
He feels guilty about it though, including every time they've fucked after that, it chips away at his conscious, bit by bit. It's not normal to sleep with people that you don't have some kind of feelings for, but the feelings he had about Ritsu prior... haven't changed. Or, at least he feels like they haven't.
He loves Ritsu. He does, he always has, and he always will he's sure. He may not have verbally admitted it to Ritsu yet, but he really does. He has for a very long time. The same way people in relationships love each other, probably. The same way that Ritsu loves him? He doesn't know.
Instead, he's convinced himself of the illusion that it's the same as always. It's so complicated yet so simple at the same time, so Mao deals with the inner turmoil before focusing his worries elsewhere, a never ending cycle.
They never dated. Never been in the honeymoon phase—not that Mao really knows what it's like to be in a relationship, as long as Ritsu has been in his life he's never even thought of dating. But he has thought of love, and especially about sex at his age. They skipped that entire lovey-dovey phase, the precursor, at first he thought it was normal since they've known each other since basically birth.
He doesn't really mind, not for his own selfish reasons, but he feels like they're missing something.
They don't even kiss, unless they're in bed with each other. That's the one physical thing that separates then and now, kissing. Before, they've always found reasons to have their hands all over each other, in a friend way, he guesses. But it's different, more honest when they're in bed. A secret place where the two of them can just be.
Like when Ritsu gently touches his face, and looks at him with a tiny smile and such adoration he could crumble under that gaze. He doesn't deserve to feel that way and he doesn't deserve Ritsu's unconditional love when he's such a coward.
Deep down, Mao is aware, things can never go back to the way they were before all this. Mao would drop everything and pretend it could, if only that's what Ritsu wants. However, Mao wouldn't take it back. He doesn't regret a single thing between he and Ritsu.
"Maa-kun...~"
Mao loves the way Ritsu says his name these days. It rings in his ears, the tone is slightly different.
It seems they are the same as they always are, except they're not, and something could easily go wrong and it could implode. And Mao's probably going to be the one to push it and ruin it. He thinks that that's why both of them refuse to address it out loud. Mao thinks about it all day until he finds himself in Ritsu's room, in Ritsu's bed, body pressed up against Ritsu's.
At that moment, nothing else matters. Ritsu lays on his side, smiling at Mao, tired creases in the edge of his eyes. Mao's thumb gently brushes against his cheek, laying in bed and snuggled tight under the heavy blanket, every inch of non-clothed skin is touching from collarbones to toes.
See, if the things they did were just, purely sexual but also normal childhood friend tendencies, Mao thinks he'd have an easier time coping with it. But, they do more than that together, things like this that make Mao's cheeks feel warm. There's no distinct difference between the two. Which why it's so weird. Too intimate, to be considered platonic. They're both nearly grown men at this point, cuddling in bed without purpose is something they can't blame on ingrained habits anymore.
Ritsu is so sweet, too sweet for his own good, as his head burrows rested against Mao's chest. As Mao kisses Ritsu's cheek, Ritsu grips onto the front of his shirt tighter, a signal that he wants more. Mao's eyes flutter shut and his heart beats just a bit harder. They really are like a couple, but why aren't they.
Mao doesn't deserve it, to indulge in Ritsu like this.
Ritsu deserves someone who can spoil him and love him properly, love him honestly. Such a special, special person should be loved completely. Mao could do that, but he won't take the initiative. If he won't, and Ritsu won't, then there's clearly something wrong with this.
Mao's always been good at putting up a front. Is it just the convenience of having Mao for Ritsu? Is it because they're comfortable with each other after all these years, that they feel safe doing this? It isn't unlike them to fulfill each other's needs like that.
But he can't figure out what Ritsu wants.
Mao's not sure if he's completely okay with that however, being a safety net for Ritsu's explorations. It's a sour taste on his tongue, if Ritsu also thinks that what he is for him, and Ritsu's always the first to tell him that his self-sacrificing can be pitiful at times, but that's where he would draw the line. Mao wants to be more than that to him, if Ritsu will let him. He wants this to mean more than that.
"Why don't you just stop sleeping with him?"
Makoto asks, eyebrows fully raised as if it's the most practical answer, slightly confused on the issue when one day, Mao decides to spill his guts to Trickstar in hopes for advice. Even if they just tell him what he already knows, he just needs that certain push forward. Mao inwardly cringes at that, when said so bluntly, why doesn't he just... stop? It's never something he thought of. Well, it's not like he particularly wants to not sleep with Ritsu if the opportunity presents itself. Just to not fuck Ritsu feels...like another complication.
"... It's easier said than done."
Ah, he knows exactly why. They wouldn't understand, how irresistible Ritsu is, even when Mao initiates it, he's always had a hard time telling Ritsu no. Now that he's had Ritsu for himself, he doesn't think he'll be able to let go and give it all up.
"Natsume says that I'm bad at relationship stuff... but I don't see anything wrong with you guys!"
Great, Subaru is as dense as he is, and possibly they both think with the same head. Mao's always thought Natsume and Subaru were good together— together... but even they have the label of boyfriends. Maybe that's because Subaru is more socially forward than he is, less shameful, with a lot less to lose.
"Here's an idea... Why don't you just talk to him about it."
Hokuto always has the best advice. As air-headed as he is, as air-headed as a solution that may be, sometimes simple is the most effective. And Mao knows that Hokuto knows what's he's talking about... Hokuto was there banquet eve, the biggest fight Mao and Ritsu ever got into and everyone couldn't ignore it, Hokuto told Mao that he shouldn't just assume how Ritsu feels. And he was right.
What would happen if they talked about it.
He's an idiot. It hurts, and Mao really doesn't want to know how Ritsu thinks of him in this sense, he'd rather hold onto it as the way they are, unknowing. He doesn't think he'll be able to take it, if he asked and Ritsu answered, 'you're my childhood friend' after all they've done together. After the physical feelings have been laid out on the table, the verbal affirmation would kill him the most. It would make it real. Mao can't lose him.
But someday, what is he possibly going to do, when Ritsu finds someone who would treat him right? What would he do if Ritsu fell in love.
When someone else takes him out on dates, when someone else puts him on a pedestal above the entire world, when someone else holds Ritsu in their arms and doesn't let go. When someone else does all the things Mao does but better, more openly enamored, and Ritsu proudly shows them off as his partner—
Yeah, actually, he does have some regrets when it comes to Ritsu. Right at that moment, he comes to terms with what would have, could have been.
"Ha...Aah, oh—"
Ritsu looks up at him, drip—a tear splashes right on his cheek—drip, drip.
"Maa-kun?"
"Uwaa, I'm sorry!" For ruining the mood, for getting Ritsu's face wet, for being so pathetic. For everything.
"Don't apologize, what's wrong?" Ritsu's genuine concern makes his chest ache deeper. Ritsu is the only person Mao can be vulnerable in front of, and that terrifies him.
"Ah— it's... I don't know." He doesn't know. He really has no idea what is the reason, why he's thinking about Ritsu being with someone else, while they're making out, while he's straddled purposely on top of Ritsu's hips with Ritsu's hand shoved down his pants and his own up the front of Ritsu's shirt.
"Tell me." It's obvious, he normally can't hide from Ritsu's intuition, but when he cries like this in front of him, he can't articulate how it makes him feel.
"Ritsu..."
"Does... it hurt?" Mao suppresses a flinch, yeah his heart hurts but he knows that Ritsu is referring to where his fingers just were, and where they're still tightly grinding together.
"No, no..." Mao shakes his head.
"If I've done something you didn't like, or to make you upset, you'd tell me, right Maa-kun?"
"You haven't done anything." The first time Mao has told the whole truth since this conversation started.
It hurts even more, of course Ritsu would think it's his fault, of course Ritsu would so willingly take the blame, and want to make amends immediately. He's always been braver than Mao. Ritsu has come a long way since they were kids. Normally he'd throw a fit even if he knew he was in the wrong, sulk about it, and not apologize first. Ritsu's pride, he's so, so stubborn, and he can sure hold a grudge.
"Because if I did, I'll apologize."
"It's not your fault." Mao doesn't snap, but it's close enough, an edge seeping into it that puts Ritsu on high alert.
Ritsu looks confused, gently gripping onto Mao's shoulders so Mao has to face him. "Hey, tell me. I can't help unless I know."
"Ritsu—" It's frustrating, Mao kind of wants to yell at Ritsu, for pushing it, defensive mechanism, yet another reason why Mao doesn't deserve him.
But with the way Ritsu looks up at him, eyes so wide but still gentle, trying to stare into Mao, all for the sake of doing what he can and making him feel better. Mao's shoulders curl in on himself a little bit. Even when Ritsu untangles their legs to sits up from where he's underneath him to look at him, holding Mao by both of his arms around his waist, Mao has to suppress more tears threatening.
"You can tell me anything, you know, I could never come to hate you."
But is that really, really true? Does Ritsu accept him no matter what? Mao scoffs, hate and love are two sides of the same coin.
Mao tries to shut him up, by kissing him hard. Ritsu entertains it, almost, before he breaks away and decides that he's not letting Mao escape from this.
"Maa-kunnn, you're scaring me now." Ritsu whines but he doesn't let go.
"Ritsu, do you love me?" Mao whispers it.
"Haa? Do I—I love you so much, Maa-kun. I love you. I love you a lot. I'll repeat it as many times as you wish." Ritsu nuzzles his face against Mao's chest. "Do I not tell you enough? Is this why Maa-kun is upset, because he doesn't think I love him?"
"You can say it all you want, but do you truly understand the weight of your words?" Mao says a little too harshly, too hypocritical.
Ritsu doesn't even flinch at that, his eyes don't widen, he just looks at Mao with the same, gentle expression.
"Mao," Ritsu says so quietly, Mao feels his own breath hitch and his heart stop momentarily. "I love you. More than I could ever say. But, you know, we do have a heart to heart connection. I already feel everything you do."
Ritsu takes one of Mao's hands and places it on his chest. "My heart beats for only you."
That's all Mao needs.
He really, really is such an idiot. They're both idiots. He doesn't even know why he doubted Ritsu in the first place. That's all Ritsu needs to say, and then he understands it, completely. There's never been a need to worry.
His other hand reaches out and touches Ritsu's face. His cheek is so warm, and he honestly can't believe that Ritsu isn't upset with him, that he needed to confirm it for Mao, apparently they weren't on the same page but Ritsu has already forgiven him.
Mao guesses, that's what it's like to really love someone, huh? Would he do the same for Ritsu? He has been, already, this entire time.
"I love you." He says honestly, and it is, the first time he can recall that he's told Ritsu that.
Ritsu blushes a little but he doesn't seem too surprised.
"Is that really why you're upset? Maa-kun... You always do this, think yourself into a corner and always assuming the worst... I've told you a thousand times that you can give some of your burdens to me." It's amazing how intuitive Ritsu can be sometimes,
"Will you marry me, Ritchan?"
Ritsu stutters incoherently, then laughs, wrapping both of his arms around Mao and pulling him back down into bed. "So cheeky, using my own lines on me, huh?~"
Childhood friends, lovers, boyfriends, husbands, partners—together, whichever they are, it doesn't make a difference, it wouldn't change the extraordinary thing that they have.
It doesn't matter what title is given officially, doesn't matter how they appear to anyone else. It's just them, and the love has always been there.
It is complicated, but it's fine as long as it's he and Ritsu, he couldn't wish for anything more.