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Jumping into the cage would forever feel like the beginning of the end for Sam. The beginning of his mind breaking apart.
Lucifer had many ways to torture Sam in the cage. And he was always escalating the torture more and more. To the point where Sam was nothing but a hollow shell.
He started off small. Beating Sam within an inch of his life. He would grab Sam and throw him against the walls of the cage. He would throw punch after punch, and Sam would feel his bones being pulverized to nothing but dust. Lucifer would skin Sam alive, causing Sam to scream as he felt every single piece of his skin fall away to the ground. And when Lucifer ran out of places to carve and filet, he would restore Sam’s body to full health. Sam would get a moment of a painless breath before Lucifer started again. And then Sam would start screaming again, howling in pain as Lucifer laughed maliciously.
But as previously mentioned, it didn’t stop there. It escalated.
Sam would wake up in what looked like one of the many hotel rooms Dean and himself had stayed in, and Dean would stand over Sam and berate him.
“You aren’t my brother.”
“I should have killed you like dad said.”
“You are a monster.”
Then Castiel would appear somewhere in the room, with a flutter of wings. The flutter of wings making the whole thing so much more real.
“Samuel Winchester,” Cas would say, disgust tinging his voice,” The boy with demon blood.”
“You are an abomination.”
“Why would an angel want to touch someone like you.”
Then it would be Gabriel. The archangel that Sam had barely even met, but still had a strange fondness for.
“You deserve this Samsquatch.”
“You almost ended the world.”
“Betraying your own brother for a demon.”
His dad.
“You killed your mother.”
“Nothing but a demon.”
“You aren’t my son.”
Jess.
“You killed me Sam.”
“Me being dead is your fault.
“I died, and what do you do? End the fucking world. You deserve this Sam.”
Bobby.
“You lose my number boy.”
“You really think I care about you.”
“You got so many of us killed, you deserve all of this.”
Jo and Ellen would appear sometimes too, faces burned away and bloody.
“You killed us.”
“Why would you release Lucifer.”
“You aren’t family to us.”
Hell, sometimes even Ruby would appear, cackling.
“How stupid are you?”
“You really thought anyone would help you?”
“You really thought anyone would care?”
And Sam would lay there, quietly sobbing. Begging for it to stop. Begging for an end to it. Even going so far as to saying it in Enochian. Broken Enochian that wasn’t quite yet perfect, but yet perfect enough that Lucifer would understand him. Lucifer would stop the visions and walk over to Sam, running a gentle hand through his hair and soothing Sam. Telling him it was okay.
Then Lucifer would throw him against the wall of the cage with a laugh and begin the torture all over again. Beating Sam until the Winchester couldn’t breathe. Until Sam was nothing but a gurgling mess on the cold floor of the cage.
At some point in the cage, Sam’s body left him. And Sam felt that moment. The moment when he became so exposed and naked to his torturer. Sam remembered it well. And Lucifer seized the moment.
The sexual torture started with Lucifer. Sometimes the archangel would use knives. Sometimes it would be other things. But it all remained the same. Lucifer would debase Sam until he was nothing. Whispering in his ear. Making Sam shiver in fear.
Then it wasn’t Lucifer anymore. It was Dean.
Who would whisper about Sam being a monster. Would breathe on Sam’s neck and tell his little brother he deserved it.
Cas would make Sam face away from him. The angel didn’t want to look at Sam. Sam was disgusting. An abomination. Such an abomination that it burned the angel’s eyes just to look at him.
Gabriel did his thing, while muttering about how Sam was the one who screwed up the world in the first place. Muttering about how Sam was getting his “Just Desserts”.
Bobby wouldn’t even touch him.
His father would whip him.
Jess would go up in flames after riding him. Screaming about how she hated Sam.
Jo and Ellen would spit on him, saying he wasn’t worth the trouble. Occasionally they would touch him and go up in flames.
And Ruby would force demon blood down his throat.
“You’re just like me Sam,” She would say with a sick grin on her face.
Sam would choke out sobs. He stopped asking for it to end eventually. Eventually he would mumble out an apology. Apologizing to the world for even existing. Screaming about how he didn’t want this. How he was so fucking sorry.
Then one day there was silence. Nothing but darkness and loneliness for what felt like forever. Just Sam and his own thoughts. His sobbing cries of apologies turned into Sobbing cries for contact. Any contact. He would take any of the pain and sorrow they wanted to give him. Just God, please God, don’t leave him alone anymore.
And Sam hated the fact that when Lucifer finally came back, Sam begged for the torturer not to leave him alone again. And the pain that came felt so much better than the loneliness that he had been left with for what felt like years. And Sam hated himself for his begging. Hated himself for his tears. Sam just hated himself.
Eventually the torture caused Sam to go numb, he didn’t even feel it anymore. And the only thing that settled in his gut was cold and terrible acceptance that this was where he would be for all of eternity. You know your broken when you finally accept that not even death would save you from torture and pain. You know your broken when you accept an eternity of torture as what you deserve.
Sam’s numbness is probably what made Lucifer switch tactics.
Suddenly Sam was back in that awful hotel room. And this time he was the one hitting his loved ones. He didn’t want to. And tears would track down his face as he screamed. But he wasn’t in control of his body. Lucifer was. Lucifer used him like a puppet to rape and hurt every single one of his friends. And every time Sam felt like he was stabbing himself. Sam would look at his hands and see blood from Dean, Cas, Gabe, Bobby, Jo, Ellen. Sam would watch as he commanded Ruby to kill Dean. And Sam would cry, sobbing and screaming. And their screams echoed in his head.
Then Lucifer would let Sam dream. Lucifer would allow Sam to dream of being out of the cage. Would let Sam have what felt like years of freedom, then Lucifer would appear in front of him with a sick grin. And the torture would begin all over again.
But the worst was when Lucifer decided to make all the torture blend together. Sam would sit in an empty room for an endless amount of time. Loneliness setting in. And then he would dream of being saved by Dean. His older brother walking through the door and pulling Sam out. Sam would clutch tightly to his brother. Castiel came and healed Sam’s wounds. And then the two would gently take care of him. Petting his hair and telling him he was okay. It would be nice for what felt like years, then they would grow cruel and begin hurting him. Muttering their awful but true words into his ear. They would rape him. Beat him and hang him out to dry. And then one day a knife would appear in Sam’s hand. And Sam would stab them. Tears in his eyes and sobbing in Enochian as the image fled, leaving nothing but the dark cage and Lucifer’s grinning face.
“You can’t get out Sam,” Lucifer said smirking,” Even if you get out, this cage will always be a part of you. I will always be a part of you. And a part of you will always reside here with me.”
And God. It was true.
Because he did get out. He got out and for a blissful moment remembered none of it. Then Cas broke his wall and he remembered all of it.
Sam remembers the nights after the wall broke. Lucifer’s grinning face. The archangel mumbling about Sam being stupid for thinking he would ever get away. Days were spent avoiding touching anyone, afraid a mere touch would cause everyone he loved to burn away to dust. The days blended together. At some point he was in the hospital, and then he wasn’t, and the hallucinations were gone.
Castiel had taken the hallucinations on his own shoulders. But Castiel couldn’t take the memories. The memories would always be there, deep in Sam’s head. All Castiel did was ensure that Sam could keep quiet about it.
Sam still had nightmares where he awoke and had to bite down on his hand to ensure he didn’t scream. He was afraid of touching others. Afraid he would hurt them.
Sam kept his mouth shut.
At some point Sam calculated the years he had been in hell out. Dean said he had been gone for almost a year and a half. One year equaled 150 in hell. Half a year equaled another 75. Sam had been in hell for 225 years. And yet a part of him felt like the time down there had never ended. Hell had followed Sam back to earth, and Sam hated the fact that it had.
When Sam lost Dean and Cas to purgatory, he lost himself. A part of him died and went back to hell. He was lost and drowning. He didn’t know where to even start looking, and there was no longer any Bobby to help him. Sam would sometimes sink to the ground and sob under the weight of the pressure and the sadness. The feeling of loneliness ripping away at his insides. He was in hell. Even when he found Amelia and finally wasn’t alone anymore, Sam was in hell.
Then Sam wasn’t, because Dean was back. But Dean wasn’t the same. And Sam was tired because it felt like he was in a constant state of being whipped around every which way.
And he knew he deserved it. Sam deserved every hateful look Dean sent his way. Sam deserved every word that got thrown at him. Sam deserved every single fucking nightmare that assaulted his brain.
And when the trials came. Sam felt he deserved that too. The pain. The blood. The death.
Sam can’t recall why he let himself believe he deserved Dean saving him. Sam doesn’t know what part of him chose to quit and allow himself to live. Because Sam didn’t deserve life. Sam didn’t deserve death. Sam deserved none of it. Sam deserved eternal loneliness and suffering, and yet Sam couldn’t make himself accept that. Because the loneliness was painful. And so, Sam gripped tightly to his brother and allowed Dean to pull Sam to safety.
Then Sam was possessed by Gadreel. Then Sam killed Kevin. Sam touched, and someone got hurt. And hell was yet again upon Sam’s shoulders.
Maybe that’s why he was prepared to die during the extraction of Gadreel’s grace from his body. Because Dean had told Sam that Sam deserved to live. And then Kevin had been killed. Dean had been wrong.
“Nothing is worth losing you Sam!” Castiel had shouted, or it had felt like shouting. Because for once the words broke through the storm of dark emotions Sam felt inside himself. And Sam had stared at the angel in shock.
Sam had always loved the angel. Had felt it hard not to love the angel. This angel had stuck around him even though Sam hardly deserved it. And maybe that’s why the words struck.
Sam sunk to his knees in tears. Mumbling apologies in now perfect Enochian. And he felt Castiel’s gentle arms wrap around him.
It’s okay. Cas had mumbled back in the angelic language.
Then Dean became a demon, and Sam got Charlie killed.
And Sam hated himself. He hated himself so much.
He deserved to be alone for the rest of his life.
Then he released the darkness because he couldn’t handle being killed by his own brother. And Sam hated himself even more.
And when he started seeing Lucifer’s cage again, he wasn’t surprised. It was the universe telling him he deserved that torture.
When Lucifer threw him around the cage again, Sam deserved it.
When Castiel was possessed by Lucifer and hurt Sam. Sam deserved that too. The only reason he was fighting for Cass back is because Cass didn’t deserve it.
When Sam was kidnapped by the British men of letters, he deserved that too.
Sam even blamed himself for losing Cass and his mom when Jack was born. Sam blamed himself for the way Dean treated Jack. And Sam hated himself for being happy when Cass came back to life, because Sam didn’t deserve happy.
He deserved the tears he cried at night. He deserved the sobs of fear that went like a shock through all of his system. He deserved the feeling of utter dirtiness that washed over him. He deserved all that rape and torture. He deserved worse.
It was on one such night that the door to his room creaked open. Sam tried quickly to cover up his sobs. He didn’t want whoever walked in to know how broken he was. He didn’t want to hurt them by unloading his trauma. He didn’t want to be a burden. And he didn’t want comfort because he didn’t deserve that.
His breath caught in his throat when Cass laid down beside him on the bed. A gentle hand coming up to touch his face, and Sam flinched away violently. But then Sam caught a glimpse of the sadness in Castiel’s face, and Sam couldn’t fight the desire for comfort any longer.
“It hurts Cas,” Sam’s words are choked out in Enochian. His face streaming with silent tears.
“Let me see,” Cas responds in the same angelic language.
Sam hesitates before allowing his head to tip forward into Castiel’s outreached hand. Sam feels the tendrils of grace sweeping around in his mind, going through memories. And Sam can feel the moment that Cass reaches the cage memories, because Sam can feel Castiel’s grace flinch away at the very sight.
Sam lets out a broken sob, feeling dirty and broken. He felt unworthy to even be touching the angel.
But said angel wraps Sam in an embrace anyways. Said angel still rakes a hand through Sam’s hair. Said angel still lays a gentle kiss on the top of Sam’s head.
And Sam finally sleeps, he folds his body into an impossibly small target. Folding himself into Castiel. And Castiel wraps powerful arms around the hunter. And powerful wings made of nothing but grace wrap around Sam as well.
I don’t deserve this. Sam thought before drifting off to sleep.
When Gabriel first made a reappearance, it was almost too much for Sam. But Sam pushed his trauma down and did his best to ignore it as he cut away the stitches on Gabe’s mouth. He pushed the trauma down as he watched Gabe escape to corners of the room, Gabe was so deep inside his own head that he didn’t know who Sam was. Sam pushed the thoughts of his own trauma down until he could lay with Cas at night and sob.
Then Gabe escaped his own mind. Then Gabe was okay, for the most part. Then Gabe killed Asmodius, and there was such a beauty to Gabe in that moment. And Sam hated himself for loving not one but two angels. What was he thinking. He didn’t deserve that.
And Gabe knew it. Because Gabe left.
“You love Gabe,” Castiel says stroking Sam’s hair later that night.
“I love you,” Sam says back quietly.
“You can love both of us,” Castiel says gently stroking Sam’s hair.
Sam didn’t respond. Because how are you supposed to say that you don’t think you deserve to love anybody. That you don’t deserve to feel loved. How are you supposed to say you believe you deserve loneliness.
So, Sam said nothing. He simply let himself cry silently in in cocoon of angel wings.
When they saw Gabriel again, Sam was proud. Dean might not understand why. But Sam was happy that Gabriel loved himself enough to seek revenge for what had happened to him. Gabe’s words struck though. The way Gabe’s eyes shown as unshed tears of hurt and betrayal shined inside them.
Sam didn’t sleep that night. Instead he sat against the headboard of his bed, staring at the wall, all while Gabriel stared at him.
Gabriel got his revenge and then joined Team Free Will. And when the three got back to the bunker, Sam barely made it to his room before he collapsed sobbing onto the ground.
It was Castiel who found him and held him. And then not long after Gabriel walked in to find Sam a sobbing mess in Castiel’s arms. Sam was too far gone to notice.
“Cass please make it stop,” Sam sobbed in Enochian. He didn’t deserve for it to be over. But he was so tired. He wanted a peace he didn’t deserve. He wanted a life he couldn’t have. A life he didn’t deserve to have.
They went to the other world. Sam stayed as far as he could from Lucifer. The Devil smirked at him knowingly, knowing that Sam was purposefully avoiding him. And Sam could see that everyone in the room could see his fear.
Then Sam died. Then Sam was face to face with Lucifer again.
And all Sam could think. Why do I deserve this? What did I do? What do I have to do to not deserve it anymore?
Cas embraced him protectively when he made it back to camp. And Sam was shocked to have Gabriel actually embrace him as well.
They came to the conclusion that they were going to get everyone out, and they were almost out when Michael slammed down and killed some of the stragglers. Sam’s head swam as Gabriel stepped forward to fight the other world version of his brother. Something snapped inside of Sam because Gabe didn’t deserve to die at the hands of a version of his brother. But Sam deserved nothing. Sam could do this.
Sam shoved Dean and Cas through the portal, neither of them expected it so both fell through in a tumble. Then Sam did the same with Gabe, who was weakened and also not expecting the force. Lucifer tried to jump through the portal, but Sam shoved Lucifer down into Michael. Both Archangels tumbled down the incline, neither had been expecting the Winchester to do something so incredibly stupid. Sam heard the portal close behind him. Time had run out completely, and he was once again trapped with two very angry archangels.
The next few days were hell, they tried to drag the spell from Sam’s lips. And Sam knew Lucifer could perfectly remember the spell, the archangel just wanted an excuse to go a few more rounds with Sam. Finally, Michael grew tired of waiting and invaded Sam’s mind.
“We won’t kill him,” Michael says disgustedly,” He’s going to prove very useful in getting the pests to stay away and follow my rules.”
The two began gathering ingredients for the spell and Sam lay there broken and bleeding on the ground, tears flowing from his eyes. He couldn’t let them get to everyone else.
So, after they finished the spell, and as they were coming to grab him. Sam slammed his hand down into a blood drawn sigil, sending the angels flying off to God knows where. Sam picked his broken body off the ground and grabbed the eye of Solomon from the bowl before tipping the contents and jumping through a quickly closing rift.
His body slammed hard into the ground and he whimpered pathetically as he landed wrong on his broken arm. He didn’t move from his position as he gripped tightly to the rock in his hand before checking that the portal closed behind him.
It did.
And Sam is sure that there were other ways to open portals to other worlds, but at least he had bought them more time. And now he could warn them.
Castiel please. Sam’s prayer was in Enochian. And he sobbed knowing that the wingless angel couldn’t just fly to him. And there was no way that Sam was walking anywhere. So, Sam lay there in tears and pain as the night grew slowly darker.
Finally, Cass was there. His face betraying the relief upon seeing Sam. Sam sobbed and buried his face into Castiel’s chest.
“I don’t want to deserve this anymore Cass,” Sam’s broken reply was yet again in Enochian. Gentle hands carded through Sam’s hair. “I don’t want this anymore Cass.” This time the broken words were in English.
Castiel didn’t reply, instead he picked up the broken Winchester and walked to the car. Taking the tall man to the safety of the bunker.
The bunker was full of quiet murmuring when the two got back, Sam hid his face in Castiel’s trench coat. Fists gripping the fabric tightly.
“Cass!” Sam heard Dean shout,” What the hell man!? You just took off without a word- “
Dean’s voice trailed off and suddenly there was the sound of running feet.
“Sam! Sammy!” Dean’s voice was full of emotion and Sam sobbed because he didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve the love.
Dirty, disgusting, gross, unworthy, I hurt everything I touch, I deserve loneliness, pain, and sadness.
“Cass what’s he saying?” The sound of Dean’s voice broke through.
“Oh Samshine,” Gabe’s voice cut through, sadness tinging the normally upbeat and happy angel,” No.”
Sam realized his thoughts had been voiced in Enochian. Cass and Gabe being the only one’s to understand, were the only two who knew enough to be saddened by the display.
“What!?” Dean asked,” What did he say!?”
Sam’s mind swam and he wanted to claw at it, to make it stop. There were too many hands. Too much love being shown towards him. And he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve any of it. He scrambled away from Castiel’s touch and slammed himself into a corner, doing his best to make himself as small as possible as he mumbled to himself in Enochian. He vaguely heard his mom and Jack enter the room. He heard the quiet mumbles of Cass speaking to Dean.
“WHY WOULD HE BELIEVE ANYTHING LIKE THAT!?” Dean’s voice shot through the room and suddenly Sam was in the cage. His breathing picked up again. Tears leaking from his eyes. Heartbeat erratic.
I don’t want this.
Why do I deserve this?
I want to be loved.
Please make it stop.
MAKE THE PAIN STOP.
PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LET THE PAIN STOP.
And then suddenly a gentle sort of peace cut through his panic. It cut through his self-hatred. The best way Sam could describe it was grace. But the definition of it before it became aligned by angels. The definition that meant peace and calm and tranquility. The pain was there, but suddenly there was something to grab onto. Something he could grab hold of.
You don’t deserve it, turn away.
And he almost did, but then a second grace stood behind him, and it nudged him forward towards the other. And so, Sam stepped forward and embraced the hope. And the grace that had been behind him, wrapped around his shoulders and enveloped him softly.
“That’s it Samshine,” Gabriel’s voice cut through finally. And Sam was back inside the bunker, trembling against the archangel,” Come on back out here.”
“We are right here Sam,” Castiel’s voice came from behind him,” You are worthy. Come on Sam it’s going to be okay.”
And Sam sobbed, gripping tightly to both his angels. And then his brother was there, and Sam gripped tightly to his rock. To the one person who had been there all his life. The Jack and his mother were there, and Sam gripped tightly onto them. Sobs wracking his entire form.
To Sam. Lucifer’s cage had been the beginning of the end. But this moment here, it was the end of the end, and the beginning of eternity. And Sam hoped maybe eternity could be a bit better than before.
Maybe Sam deserved this happy eternity.
And Sam gripped tightly to his family, allowing the loneliness to sink away. He allowed the gentle fingers to card through his hair. He allowed himself to feel wanted.
He gripped tightly onto Gabriel and Castiel and allowed himself to feel okay.