Work Text:
Grey.
Jongin didn't realize that the walls were that grey. Wasn't it white? Or beige?
It was grey. And boring.
Jongin stared into the walls as he waited on the steel benches of the enclosed waiting area. He swung his feet back and forth until it caught the strap of his duffel bag that was on the floor. He kicked his bag away and continued swinging his feet. He glanced at the huge clock on the wall. His brother said that he will arrive in an hour.
Jongin was in his final year in college. The semester just ended and he was supposed to return home to his parents but he didn’t want to. He doesn’t want to worry his parents about what he was feeling. Had been feeling lately. He can’t do that to his old parents.
So when his brother called and offered his home to him, he readily agreed. His brother moved away after graduating college and ever since Jongin started college too, they seldom see each other and just kept updating each other through phone and video calls.
But Junmyeon has been busy lately and Jongin was somewhat relieved as he doesn’t have to pretend that he was okay every time his brother calls.
A change in the scenery might help Jongin feel better.
Maybe.
The clock chimed and Jongin picked up his bag from the floor and decided that he would look for his brother outside the waiting area. Jongin’s phone was dead and he didn’t bother bringing a power bank with him. He knew his brother might be calling him now.
“Jongin!”
Jongin just stepped a foot out of the room when someone enveloped him in a tight hug. Usually, Jongin would freeze and his heart would start to palpitate, an imminent anxiety attack coming but the scent of the person hugging him kept the panic at bay.
His brother smelled of flowers and freshly baked cookies.
His brother smelled like home.
“Hyung.”
“Jongin!” Junmyeon hugged him one last time before releasing him. Jongin had always been the taller one despite being the younger so his brother had to look up at him. There were unshed tears in Junmyeon’s eyes.
“Hyung,” Jongin said again as he pulled on the strap of his bag and swayed on his feet.
“Look at you!” Junmyeon cupped a hand on Jongin’s cheek. “College is tough, huh? You looked like you lost a lot of weight.”
Jongin just nodded.
“Can I take your bag?”
Jongin looked to the person standing closely behind his brother. He was slightly taller than Jongin. Jongin would have averted his gaze. The other person looked stern because of his strong facial features but the said person was smiling warmly at him so Jongin was able to hold his gaze.
“Jongin, this is Sehun, my husband,” Junmyeon stepped back towards Sehun and placed a hand on Sehun’s chest. Sehun placed a hand on Junmyeon’s waist in return.
Jongin remembered months ago how his brother had continuously called him, wanting him to come home as he was getting married. But the last few months had been the hardest for Jongin. The exams, the projects, the pressure. The anxiety was too much, Jongin was barely getting any sleep. He didn’t want to let his family see his state. He knew they would worry. And he certainly didn’t want to dampen such a happy atmosphere. So he lied. He lied to his brother. He hated lying to the one person whom he trusts the most.
Jongin handed his bag to Sehun and he didn’t miss his brother’s triumphant smile.
“Let’s go,” Junmyeon pulled Jongin closer. “We have a lot to catch up with.”
Junmyeon was telling him about something but Jongin was tuning him out. He found the rivulets from the rain on the car's window more interesting.
Jongin had always loved rains. There's just something soothing about it. When it rains, everything seems at standstill. Everything seemed muted.
And the cold.
When it rains, it's the only time that what he feels inside of him is the same as what he can feel outside.
A box was suddenly thrust under his nose and something sweet tickled his nose.
"Strawberry soufflé. Your favorite," Junmyeon smiled from the front seat.
Jongin accepted the box and gingerly opened it. The sweet smell wafted around the car. It's been so long since he ate a soufflé. But nothing can ever beat their grandma's soufflé.
Jongin lifted a forkful of soufflé. Junmyeon giggled at Jongin's expression.
"Good, right?"
Jongin nodded as he took another bite. It really was delicious. Almost like --
"Grandma's recipe."
"What?" Jongin stopped on the third bite.
"That's grandma's recipe," Junmyeon repeated.
"You've perfected it?" Jongin asked.
Both brothers were useless in the kitchen but they always watched their grandmother bake when she was alive. They grew up to their grandmother's cooking. But their most favorite was the soufflé. They've tried and tried to replicate their grandma's soufflé recipe but they always failed.
"Kyungsoo did."
"Kyungsoo?"
"Yeah, the one I just told you about."
"Oh," Jongin placed back the fork inside the box and closed it. He should've listened to his brother. Now he doesn't know who this Kyungsoo was.
"He temporarily lives with us," Junmyeon said, having sensed that Jongin was confused. "He's a good friend of ours and we're letting him stay at the house as he tries to get back on his feet."
"Oh."
Junmyeon kept talking about this stranger and Jongin was grateful for the rain.
Sehun let him enter the house first after Junmyeon. Junmyeon rushed inside as he wanted to heat up whatever Kyungsoo cooked them for dinner. They were supposed to be home earlier to catch Kyungsoo before he leaves for his work but the rain caused heavy traffic and Junmyeon called Kyungsoo to just go on ahead.
Jongin stood at the foyer, so unsure if he should come in. It's a lot different from his dorm room. And it's a lot more colorful. A lot like his brother's personality. It's small compared to the ancestral house where his parents live but it's --
"Home."
Jongin looked up to see Sehun smiling warmly at him.
"It's not much but it's home," Sehun repeated. "Come on. I'll show you to your room."
Jongin followed Sehun inside until they stopped at the end of the hall.
"That's our room," Sehun pointed to the door they just passed by the corner. "The guest room where Kyungsoo is temporarily staying," he pointed to the door across the one they're standing at. "And this is your room," Sehun slowly opened the door.
Jongin stepped in when Sehun gave him a way. The room was smaller but it looked a lot like --
"Your room back home. Junmyeon said that you might be missing your home so he wanted to make your room here almost the same as your room back home," Sehun said. "I know it can be a bit overwhelming sleeping in a place you're not yet familiar with but we wanted you to feel at home as much as possible. We took your pillows and blankets and some of your stuff, your books, your clothes. We also --"
"Thank you."
Sehun stopped his mumbling.
"Thank you for doing this much for me. I’m sorry for inconveniencing you and my brother. I promise that I’ll try not to be as --"
Jongin stopped when Sehun reached for his cold hands and squeezed them. Jongin took a deep breath to calm his racing heart before looking at Sehun.
"You are very welcome at our home, Jongin. And you’re my family now,” Sehun patted his hands then let go. “Get some rest. You must be tired from the trip. I’ll go and save the kitchen. I can't let your brother be alone in there."
As if on cue, something loud clanged from the kitchen.
"See?" Sehun chuckled.
Jongin gave a small smile. He really likes Sehun. “Thank you.”
Sehun smiled at him before leaving for the kitchen.
Jongin entered the room and closed the door behind him. He leaned against it and looked around the room again. They did a good job of trying to replicate his old room back home.
Jongin took tentative steps towards the bed. He ran a hand over the black duvet before sitting on it. Then he put his hands on his lap. There was something warm sliding down his cheeks and he realized that he was crying. He really tried to hold it in just until he could be alone. Everything seemed so overwhelming for him. He climbed under the duvet and pulled it over his head so his cries might be muffled.
His brother and Sehun took turns knocking on his door to coax him to come out of his room. Jongin can’t even give them a reply as he hasn’t stopped crying yet. They tried and tried until they stopped. His brother stood by his door one last time to check on him. But he left when Jongin wasn't giving him an answer.
The tears finally stopped falling and Jongin emerged from the covers feeling so empty. He stared up at the white ceiling. Jongin doesn’t want to be alone with his thoughts because that’s the time that his anxiety will be on high. He’ll get sucked in, he’ll be paralyzed with fear. He read that thoughts are powerful but only when we gave them the power to be. That we can still control them and overcome them. Jongin was able to do that so well up until today. The change in environment, the feeling of not being able to belong anywhere, the unsureness of how long his brother would take care of him before he would eventually give up, the feeling of being so lost, it was so overwhelming for him.
Jongin didn’t know what time it was. But after all the anxiety and the crying, he was hungry. Jongin was somewhat relieved that it wasn’t a full-blown panic attack as he normally loses his appetite. At least his body was still capable of telling him other things.
Jongin quietly opened his door. He doesn’t want to disturb his brother and his husband. Junmyeon had told him that they left food for him on the table and that the soufflé he wasn’t able to finish in the car was in the fridge.
But Jongin was confused as to why the kitchen light was on. He debated whether to just go back to his room or proceed to the kitchen.
He heard sweet singing. A very familiar song. Jongin can’t remember where he heard it but he was drawn to the song and the voice. Before Jongin knew it, he was now standing in the kitchen where a man was singing in front of the stove.
“...that’s why I love you... Oh my god!”
Jongin was startled at the man’s reaction. But he startled the man first.
“Oh my god, you scared me!”
The man had a hand over his chest and was massaging it. His other hand was holding on to the edge of the table for balance.
“Oh my god,” the man said again. “You should’ve spoken a word instead of just standing there.” The man finally stood up straight. “How long have you been standing there?”
“N-Not long,” Jongin’s voice was small. “I d-didn’t mean t-to scare y-you.”
The small man took a deep breath then he chuckled. “It’s okay, Jongin. You’re Jongin, right? You’re Junmyeon’s little brother?”
Jongin can only give him a nod.
“I’m Kyungsoo. Junmyeon must’ve told you about me?”
“Oh, soufflé guy,” Jongin said aloud.
Another chuckle. Kyungsoo turned around to turn off the stove then he was reaching up on the cupboards.
“Why are you awake so early, Jongin? It’s not even six in the morning.”
“Oh, is it morning?” Jongin looked at the window. It was still raining so it was hard to tell the time from just looking out the window.
“Yes. Are you hungry?” Kyungsoo turned to him as he placed lunchboxes on the table.
Jongin nodded again.
“Sit,” Kyungsoo told him. “I’ll reheat the stew from last night. Or do you want pancakes?”
“C-Can I have pancakes?” Jongin asked. He was so scared to ask.
“Of course, hang on, let me just make a batter real quick,” Kyungsoo told him. He reached again for the cupboards and grabbed the pancake box. Then he went to get a huge mixing bowl, whisk, eggs and milk.
“W-Why are you u-up early too?” Jongin asked. He was trying to initiate a conversation but he was afraid that Kyungsoo might hear how loud his heart was beating in his chest.
“Oh, I haven’t slept yet,” Kyungsoo answered as he put all the ingredients in the bowl. “I just came from my shift. I feel bad that I can’t pay rent to your brother while I’m staying here so I told him that I’ll cook for him and Sehun and do all the cleaning and stuff around the house.”
“Oh. But why can’t you pay rent?” Jongin asked and heard how his question sounded rude and intrusive. “I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer that.”
“It’s okay, Jongin,” Kyungsoo smiled at him.
Jongin stared in awe. Kyungsoo had his glasses on but his eyes shone when he smiled.
Kyungsoo began stirring the bowl. “I don’t have a job yet. I mean, I had a job before but I exposed some of my colleagues for their illegal transactions. They were fired and I was honorably dismissed, as they say. They said they don’t want a whistleblower in their company.”
“What? But you did a good thing, why would they do that to you?”
Kyungsoo shrugged. “It’s just the way it is. And besides, good riddance to them. But yeah, they must’ve hated me much because I’ve been turned down by all the places I have applied. They've blacklisted me.”
“That’s so wrong.”
“Yeah, it is. But it’s okay. It just shows that those places are no different from the place I came from.”
“It must have been so hard.”
“It is but it’s nothing I can’t handle.”
“But Junmyeon said you have a job?”
“Oh, it’s a volunteer job. Even though it’s volunteer work, they still give me an honorarium. So kind of them. I work in a dog shelter.”
“Dog shelter?”
Kyungsoo nodded. “It’s a shelter for strays and those dogs that were going to be put down. The shelter would ask those places to hand those dogs to them instead of putting them down. We also go around and advertise for people to adopt dogs instead of shopping.”
“I always wanted a dog,” Jongin quietly said.
“Dogs are adorable, aren’t they? I also want one but only when I get my own place,” Kyungsoo said. “Hey, maybe you want to come with me one of these days?”
Excitement.
Jongin has never felt that for a very long time.
“You want me to?”
“Sure, why not? We need more hands.”
“But…”
“But what?” Kyungsoo asked. He noticed the change in the demeanor of the boy sitting before him.
“I’m not...I’m not…”
“You’re not what?”
Jongin can feel the panic rising. His hands were suddenly clammy, he was having trouble breathing and his eyes started tearing up.
“Don’t worry about it, Jongin. Just tell me when you’re free so I can take you to the shelter,” Kyungsoo smiled at him. “Where was I? Oh, yeah, so I cook for your brother and Sehun. Junmyeon loves my bentos so he asked if I could prepare every day for both of them. And he wanted Sehun to start eating healthy so every morning after my shift, I would prepare their bentos so they can bring it to work,” Kyungsoo said. He was surprised when he looked up to see Jongin wiping his tears. “Oh, are you crying? Did I say something wrong? Are you okay?”
Jongin shook his head. A ray of sunlight peeked through the window. The rain finally stopped and the sun was finally out.
“Do you want to help me with the pancakes?” Kyungsoo pulled him out of his thoughts.
Jongin took a shuddered breath and then he squared his shoulders up. “What do I do?” Jongin stood up from his chair.
“Just keep whisking while I prepare the pan. Have you made pancakes before?”
“When I was little,” Jongin admitted. He doesn’t know why but this man made it easier for Jongin to talk.
“Well, lucky for you, the recipe for pancakes didn’t change in the last decade,” Kyungsoo laughed at his own joke.
The sunlight was peeking more, illuminating the dark room.
The rain has stopped.
Jongin smiled.
⁕⁕⁕⁕⁕⁕
Black.
Grey.
Black.
Grey.
Black.
Jongin threw the shirt in his hands towards the bed where all his other shirts already were. He doesn't know what he hopes to accomplish in looking at his closet over and over again. All he owned were in the color or black and grey.
"Jongin, do you --"
His brother stopped when he saw the state of Jongin's room.
"What's happening?" Junmyeon crossed the room.
"Kyungsoo will bring me to the shelter today," Jongin replied as he threw another shirt to join the pile. It has been two weeks since Kyungsoo had asked him but it was only yesterday that Jongin had mustered the courage to tell Kyungsoo that he wanted to visit the shelter.
"And your wardrobe exploded in excitement?" Junmyeon gestured towards the bed.
It felt like it was just the first time that Jongin saw what he was doing.
"Oh. I'm sorry, hyung."
Junmyeon sighed. Then he smiled.
"Jongin, you don't have to apologize for every little thing. Now, come on tell me. What's the problem?"
"I didn't realize all I have are in black and grey," Jongin looked forlornly on his bed.
"I just have the thing," Junmyeon said excitedly as he almost ran out of the room.
He came back moments later with a yellow shirt and red cap in his hands.
"I've been meaning to give you these. Every time I look at the color yellow, it reminds me of you. I remember when we were kids, every time it rains, I would be sad because I can't go out and play. Then you'd put on a yellow shirt and stand beside me. You've always been taller than me. You would stand beside me and say 'Hyung, don't be sad. Look, I'm the sun. I’ll drive the dark clouds away.'"
Jongin choked up. They were so close when they were kids, almost inseparable. But they grew up.
And then they grew apart.
Junmyeon handed the shirt to Jongin. The other accepted it and put it on.
"You're so skinny," Junmyeon noted.
"I'm sorry, hyung."
"What did I say about saying sorry?"
"Sorry."
Jongin looked up in alarm for doing it yet again but Junmyeon was smiling up to him. Jongin can't help but give a smile in return. His brother stepped closer to put the red cap in his head.
"See? Now, you look like Mcdonald's."
Jongin turned to the mirror. The yellow was too bright in comparison to everything reflected in the mirror. Jongin ran a hand on his shirt, warmth started to bloom in his chest.
He can't remember the last time he felt so bright.
"Now, you look like my sun," Junmyeon pulled Jongin's shirt at the back then met his brother's eyes in the mirror. "I missed my sun so much."
"Me too," Jongin finally replied after not responding for a few seconds.
A knock startled the brothers.
"Jongin, are you ready?" came Kyungsoo's voice from the door.
"A-Almost done," Jongin replied.
"Okay, I'll wait outside," Kyungsoo said before leaving.
"So you're going on a date with Kyungsoo," Junmyeon teased.
"It's not a date."
"Hmm...he asked to spend time with you outside the house, you had a hard time picking your clothes and you're blushing. That, brother mine, are pre-date rituals."
Jongin blushed even more.
Junmyeon chuckled then brought a hand to cup Jongin's cheek.
"I'm so happy you are here. I guess I never got to tell you that," Junmyeon said.
Jongin took a shuddering breath. "T-Thank you, hyung."
"Now, go. Don't let your date keep waiting."
The place was bursting with colors. Yellow, blue, pink, green, red. It's supposed to be a shelter for dogs, but somehow it looked like a daycare center.
"It used to be a nursery school," Kyungsoo answered his unspoken question.
"Oh," Jongin nodded.
Kyungsoo chuckled as he opened the door. "No need to be nervous, Jongin."
"I'm not," Jongin quietly replied. He was but he tried not to be.
He already heard several barks as soon as he walked through the doors.
"Oh, hey, Soo. Perfect timing," a tall man with a messy mop of black hair greeted them. He pushed his huge glasses up his nose before speaking again. "Meokmul's been sulking again."
"Oh, I'll get her, don't worry," Kyungsoo told him. Then he turned to Jongin. "This is Jongin, Junmyeon's younger brother and the one I told you about. Jongin, this is Chanyeol. He runs this place."
"H-Hi," came Jongin's timid reply.
"I wanna shake your hand but it's wet since I just gave some dogs a bath," Chanyeol replied.
"He's been running this place for five years," Kyungsoo added.
"Wow, that's amazing," Jongin said.
"Well, it's not only me who's running this place but my friends too. We mostly live off donations and volunteers. But somehow we managed," Chanyeol grinned.
"I'll be showing Jongin the ropes in case he would want to volunteer in the future too," Kyungsoo said.
"Yeah," Chanyeol nodded as he went back inside the room where he came from.
"There's five of them running this place," Kyungsoo said when they were in the locker room to leave their things. "Sometimes we get volunteers, lots of them. Sometimes it would just be us."
"Is it hard?" Jongin asked as he put on the apron that Kyungsoo handed him.
"Sometimes," Kyungsoo smiled. "But it's all worth it. You'll see."
"Who's Meokmul?" Jongin asked as they were walking to another room.
"You'll meet her in a while," Kyungsoo pushed the door, and immediately, puppies started running around their feet. "Don't let them escape!"
Jongin immediately crouched down to pick up as many puppies as he could. He got three but they were squirming in his hands so he held them closer to his chest. The puppies started licking his face and neck. Jongin giggled in response as it tickled.
"Come here," Kyungsoo called to the remaining puppies. Once they were back inside the room, Kyungsoo closed the door and put the puppies back on the floor. Jongin did the same.
Jongin counted twenty puppies yapping and running around the room. Some are even nipping at his shoelaces.
"The daycare," Kyungsoo said. "This is where we placed the puppies. We couldn't bear to leave them in cages. And we have yet to potty train some of them," Kyungsoo said as he spotted a wet patch on the floor. "There's a box with the toys. Play with them until they tire themselves out."
"Okay," Jongin replied as he proceeded to where Kyungsoo said. The puppies followed him and swarmed him the moment he sat down on the floor.
Jongin was having so much fun with the puppies. Some eventually tired themselves out and were sleeping on his lap but others were still so full of energy.
"Hey, Jongin, can I leave you here for a bit? I'll just have to get Meokmul."
Jongin doesn't know if he responded because he was busy playing with the puppies.
"Hey Kyungsoo, can you --"
A guy with very white hair poked his head in but he stopped when he saw someone else was in the room.
"Kyungsoo left to get Meokmul," Jongin replied.
"Oh, okay. I'm Baekhyun, by the way. You're Jongin, right?" Baekhyun asked.
Jongin nodded.
"Dae, he's not here," he told someone behind him. Then he turned back to Jongin. "Tell him I was looking for him."
"S-Sure."
"Thanks, Jongin. And thanks for coming on a weekend!" Baekhyun added before he left and closed the door.
Not a minute later, Kyungsoo came back with a black bundle in his arms.
"Jongin, I'd like you to meet Meokmul," Kyungsoo sat beside him on the floor. Some puppies climbed from Jongin's lap to Kyungsoo's, waking up all the other sleeping puppies.
The tiny puppy in Kyungsoo's arms lifted its head and gave Jongin a shy glance. Then it buried its face on Kyungsoo's chest.
"She's a shy pup but she's lovely. Meokmul, this is my dear friend Jongin," Kyungsoo leaned closer to Jongin.
Meokmul lifted her head again then her tail wagged a little.
"She's my little baby," Kyungsoo said. "She was left on a dumpster and was taken in a month ago. She's still learning to trust humans again."
"She trusts you so," Jongin lifted his hand and patted the puppy's head. Then he ran his hand on its head.
"She trusts you now too," Kyungsoo smiled at the tiny puppy. "Once I get my own place, I'm going to adopt her."
"That would be perfect," Jongin commented.
"You with the sad eyes, don't be discouraged, oh I realize, it's hard to take courage," Kyungsoo crooned at the puppy in his arms. He looked up and saw Jongin staring at him. "Sorry, Meokmul loves to listen to me sing."
"No, I...that song…"
"Hmmm?"
"You sang that song. When I first saw you."
"Oh, yeah, right. It's called True Colors from the movie Trolls. Have you seen it?"
"No," Jongin shook his head. "K-Kyungsoo?"
"Hmm?"
"C-Can you sing it again?"
Kyungsoo was surprised by the request. He saw Jongin getting shy after and Kyungsoo chuckled. But he granted his request and sang the entire song.
They just stayed like that for a while. The rest of the puppies were now ignoring them and preferred playing amongst themselves.
The door opened again and another person poked his head in.
"Oh, there you are," the guy said. "We need you at the back."
The guy didn't even wait for a response and left.
"That was Jongdae," Kyungsoo told Jongin. "Come on, they need us at the back."
Kyungsoo gently placed Meokmul amongst the sleeping puppies and slowly stood up. Jongin did the same.
"What's at the back?" Jongin asked as they made their way towards it.
"Oh, it's where we receive the dogs. Remember when I told you that we ask some shelters to send us the ones they will put down?"
Upon arriving there, Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and Jongdae were standing around a single crate where they could hear some growling.
"What's happening?" Kyungsoo asked.
"Yixing told us to pick up a bunch of dogs who were to be put down. But this one poodle is feral, we can’t seem to make it get out of the crate,” Jongdae pointed at the lone crate on the pick-up truck.
“Poodle? Was it a stray?” Kyungsoo asked as he rounded the truck to get a closer look at the said dog.
“No, it had a previous owner,” Chanyeol referred to the clipboard in his hands. “But had to give it up because they can’t seem to train the dog to behave.”
“Shall we be using the control pole?” Kyungsoo asked.
“Minseok said that we shouldn’t use those,” Baekhyun sighed. “We called you since you’re like a dog whisperer or something.”
While the friends were discussing the best way to get the dog out of the crate, Jongin moved closer to see the dog. He can hear growling as he neared. Jongin raised his hand to touch the dog. It barked wildly.
“Jongin, don’t!” Kyungsoo wanted to step in but Chanyeol stopped him.
“You’ll startle them both,” Chanyeol whispered.
They watched with bated breath as Jongin continued to approach the dog.
Jongin caught the dog’s eyes and it finally stopped growling but it was still baring its teeth.
“It’s okay, little one,” Jongin whispered. “It’s okay. I know you might feel like you’re abandoned but you’re not.”
“Slowly, Jongin,” Kyungsoo instructed.
Jongin held his breath until his hand touched the dog’s head. The dog raised its snout until it was licking at Jongin’s hand. The friends erupted into little cheers as Jongin was able to coax the dog out of the crate.
“Monggu,” he read the tag on the dog’s neck. “They’ll take care of you, Monggu,” Jongin nodded to their spectators.
It was almost night time when Kyungsoo decided that they should head back home. Junmyeon had already informed them that they will be buying take-outs for dinner so they shouldn’t worry about hurrying home to cook dinner.
They were alone at the bus stop when it started to rain heavily. Jongin held out his hand so he could catch the rainfall with his palm.
“It looked like it won’t be letting up anytime soon,” Kyungsoo poked his head out to look at the sky. He was still within the confines of the bus stop but he lost his balance and fell a step forward and out on the pavement. He was drenched in seconds.
“Kyungsoo!” Jongin didn't know what to do but he stood up.
Kyungsoo’s shoulders were shaking then he was holding his stomach and started laughing.
“Kyungsoo?” Jongin called.
Kyungsoo leaned his head back so that his face was facing the falling skies. “Oh, Jongin. When was the last time you felt the rain on your skin?”
“What?”
“When was the last time you played in the rain?!” Kyungsoo screamed as he turned around, arms swaying on his side. “Come on, Jongin!”
“It’s cold!” Jongin complained.
“It’s fun! Come on!”
“The bus won’t let us in if we’re wet,” Jongin told him.
“So what? Come on!” Kyungsoo called him again.
Jongin was holding himself. He was shaking, not from the cold but from the excitement he was feeling. Kyungsoo was having so much fun in the rain. Maybe...maybe he could also do it.
“Come on, Jongin! When was the last time you let yourself go?”
Jongin clutched his chest. “No,” he told himself. He can feel it. It was rising fast in his chest, like an unstoppable freight train. “NO!”
“Jongin?” Kyungsoo stopped as he saw Jongin clutching his head. “Jongin!” Kyungsoo hurried back to him as Jongin was on his knees now, pulling at his hair. “Jongin!”
“NO!” Jongin cried. “I don’t want this!”
“Jongin? What’s happening?” Kyungsoo asked. He looked for anything that was out of the ordinary on Jongin, checking if he was suddenly injured but he couldn't see anything wrong. Kyungsoo was so afraid to touch him.
“I can’t...I can’t do this,” Jongin was getting breathless.
“Jongin? Jongin, look at me!” Kyungsoo cried.
Jongin had locked himself in the bathroom the moment they arrived at his brother’s house. Kyungsoo kept repeating to Junmyeon everything that had happened.
“Jongin? Jongin, please open the door,” Junmyeon kept knocking. They can hear Jongin sobbing inside. “Jongin, please tell us what is wrong?” Junmyeon can’t stop his voice from breaking.
“Junmyeon, shall I call your parents?” Sehun asked.
“No, don’t call them please,” Jongin cried from inside the bathroom.
“Jongin, please open the door, please,” Junmyeon knocked again. “Jongin, please. What’s wrong? Tell us what’s wrong so we can help you.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, hyung,” Jongin continued crying inside the bathroom. “I just feel so empty. I can’t seem to stop feeling this way. I’m sorry, hyung. I’m so sorry.”
“Jongin, please let me in,” Junmyeon was crying too. “Jongin, please open the door. Please.”
“Jongin,” it was Kyungsoo this time. He pressed himself on the bathroom door, just beside Junmyeon, and placed a hand flat on the door. “Jongin, it’s okay. It’s okay to feel that way. It’s okay to feel empty sometimes. It’s okay.”
“I can’t seem to help it,” Jongin’s cries echoed on the bathroom walls. Junmyeon had to step away from the door and Sehun immediately held his crying husband. “I tried really, really hard to be normal. To feel normal. To be okay. But I can’t. Some days are okay but some days are just so hard. I can’t stop it. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Some days, it’s just so hard to move, I don’t even want to climb out of bed. Sometimes it’s so hard to live. I’m so sorry if I’m something like this. I’m sorry when you did everything to make me happy but I keep messing it up. I wish I could just switch it off. I wish I could just switch my feelings off.”
“Jongin, you’re not ‘something like this’,” Kyungsoo said. “Jongin, you’re more than your anxiety, you’re more than your feelings. It’s okay to feel that, it’s okay to acknowledge that. There’s no shame in it. But please, let us take care of you. Allow us to help you.”
“I don’t want to burden all of you,” Jongin sobbed.
“You’re not. You will not,” Kyungsoo said.
Jongin didn’t say anything more. Through the shadows from the bathroom floor, they can see Jongin moving. They waited for the door to open but it didn’t.
“Jongin? Please open the door,” Sehun knocked on the door. “I’m getting the spare keys,” he said.
“No, wait,” Kyungsoo stopped him. Kyungsoo lowered himself until he was lying on the floor. He can see Jongin through the small gap on the bathroom door. Jongin was also lying on the floor the same as him. Their eyes met through the gap.
“The floor is cold,” Jongin stated in between his hiccups.
“It is,” Kyungsoo said. “Jongin, it’s okay. Take your time until you’re ready to let us in,” Kyungsoo said. He heard a pained whimper and he looked up as Sehun held Junmyeon tighter in his arms.
“Kyungsoo, I want to feel again,” Jongin said. “But I don’t know how.”
Kyungsoo slid his hand under the gap.
“It’s hard to take courage,” Kyungsoo started singing on the floor. “In a world full of people, you can lose sight of it all. The darkness inside you can make you feel so small.”
The crying stopped. They can hear Jongin taking deep breaths. Junmyeon moved to the door and leaned his forehead on it. The song that Kyungsoo just sang to Jongin was Junmyeon and Jongin's favorite song when they were kids. Their grandmother used to sing that song to them.
“Can’t remember when,” Junmyeon continued singing. He was trying to steady his voice. “I last saw you laughing. This world makes you crazy and you’ve taken all you can bear. Just call me up ‘cause I will always be there.” Junmyeon’s voice broke on the last words. “Jongin, please let me in.”
Kyungsoo gasped as he felt Jongin’s cold fingers touching his own through the tiny gap. Kyungsoo saw Jongin standing up so he did the same. They heard the lock clicked and the knob turned. Jongin opened the door ever so slightly.
“H-Hyung,” Jongin was shivering. He hasn’t changed from his soaked clothes. “C-Can I sleep beside you tonight? L-Like when we were kids? C-Can you sing that song to me again? J-Just like how grandma used to sing it to us?”
Junmyeon stopped himself from bursting into tears again. “Of course. Of course, Jongin.”
The door opened wide and Jongin stepped out of the bathroom. Sehun immediately draped dried towels on his shoulder as Junmyeon guided Jongin to his room.
“Can I join you?”
Kyungsoo looked up from the couch. He couldn’t sleep so he was watching a show alone in the living room. He doesn’t even know what he was watching.
“Sure,” Kyungsoo patted the space beside him as he made room for Jongin.
But Jongin wasn’t facing the television. He was facing Kyungsoo. He kept clasping and unclasping his hands, trying to form a sentence.
“Jongin, it’s okay, don’t force yourself,” Kyungsoo reached out and placed a hand over Jongin’s.
“I’m not always like this,” Jongin started. “I’m not. I don’t know why it happened. I don’t know how this started. I don’t…I don’t want you to think that I’m always like this...”
“Jongin, judging you is the last thing on my mind,” Kyungsoo said as he scooted forward, closer to Jongin. He held Jongin’s hand on his. “How are you feeling now?”
“I don't know,” Jongin sniffled. “I’m so sorry for this afternoon…”
Kyungsoo shook his head. “You don’t need to apologize, Jongin. We all have bad days.”
“But not all of us will be rendered helpless when they come,” Jongin added softly.
“Have you tried...have you tried talking to a professional?” Kyungsoo asked.
Jongin nodded. “Hyung suggested and I...told him if we can wait. Most of the time I can take it, there are just times…”
“Jongin, it’s not a shame to ask for help,” Kyungsoo said. “We all need a little help from time to time.”
“There are some days I’m fine. Several days, weeks, and months even. And I thought that I was finally fine, that I got past it but then...days as these happen and I can’t help but worry...what if they’re always gonna be here? What if I will never be rid of it?”
“Jongin, you can’t let fear rule your life. Let’s enjoy the good days and face the hard days, yeah? I’m here. Your brother’s here. Sehun’s here. Don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid to show who you are, Jongin. If the bad days will come, let them come. If you need to cry, then cry. That's okay. It's okay not to feel okay. You don't always have to be strong. If you need to fall apart then do it. We will be here for you. We will help you."
Jongin can’t help but smile. Kyungsoo’s hands were warm against his. But his words set a blaze in his heart.
“What are you watching?”
“I haven’t the faintest idea,” Kyungsoo chuckled. “Some sort of a period drama,” Kyungsoo glanced at the television. “Did it help? Being with your brother?”
Jongin nodded. “It did. It helped me a lot.”
Kyungsoo patted Jongin’s hands. “Then you can also talk to me,” Kyungsoo smiled.
And so Jongin started talking. Jongin told him of his fears, little or not, everything. He bared everything to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo never once interrupted him other than to reach up and wipe the tears falling on his cheeks or to squeeze his hands when it got harder for him to speak.
Kyungsoo woke up because someone was shaking his shoulder.
“Kyungsoo.”
Kyungsoo wanted to get up but something heavy and warm was draped on top of him. Jongin was sleeping, almost covering more than half his small body.
“What time is it?” Kyungsoo whispered.
“It’s seven,” Sehun replied. “It’s okay,” he stopped Kyungsoo from getting up. “I can take care of breakfast.”
“Thanks, Sehun,” Kyungsoo said as he settled back down on the couch, careful not to jostle Jongin awake.
It’s been almost a month since Jongin’s breakdown and so far, Jongin has been doing well. Junmyeon, Sehun, and Kyungsoo had been watching him closely and they’re happy that Jongin was doing so well.
“Kyungsoo,” Minseok poked his head in the daycare.
Jongin had been volunteering in the shelter but only when Kyungsoo was around too.
“They’re here for Meokmul,” Minseok added to answer both Kyungsoo and Jongin’s unspoken question.
“Oh,” Kyungsoo said as he looked down at the sleeping Meokmul in his arms. “Okay, okay, I’ll bring her out.”
Kyungsoo tried his hardest to stand up without waking Meokmul up.
“Who’s here?” Jongin asked. Monggu was also sleeping in his arms.
“The family who wanted to adopt Meokmul,” Kyungsoo replied as they proceeded to the reception area.
“But Meokmul is yours!” Jongin cried and woke up Monggu in the process.
“She’s not,” Kyungsoo kissed the dog’s head. Meokmul raised her head and licked Kyungsoo’s cheek.
They heard a squeal and a little girl was looking excitedly at them. Kyungsoo had to crouch down so the little girl could see Meokmul. Then she gently took the puppy from Kyungsoo and turned happily to her parents.
It only took about an hour and Meokmul was now on her way to her new family.
“Are you okay?” Jongin asked Kyungsoo when they were already on their way home.
“Yeah. Surprisingly I am.”
“I’m sorry about Meokmul.”
“Don’t be. They could give her a better home than I ever will,” Kyungsoo smiled.
“But you love her,” Jongin told him.
“I do,” Kyung said. “But that’s just how life happens sometimes. We can’t always have everything we want. And all we can do is accept that reality.”
“You say it like it’s so easy to do.”
“But it isn’t. Maybe I just got better at accepting things for what they are,” Kyungsoo said.
⁕⁕⁕⁕⁕⁕
Yellow. Orange. Red. Green. Gold.
The skies were lit up with several colors as they welcomed the new year. Jongin was happier than ever. Though he still worries that he might relapse, he followed Kyungsoo’s advice that he shouldn’t let fear rule his life or he will miss out on every single thing that could make him happy. With the help of his brother, his brother-in-law, and Kyungsoo, Jongin was happier now. It was hard, there were still times that he found it hard to get up in the morning but he's just happy and more than grateful that there are people who wanted to help him.
It was already almost five in the morning but Kyungsoo, Junmyeon, and Sehun were still in the dining room, cleaning up the kitchen and the table. Jongin was already asleep. He got so excited for the festivities then fell asleep just after twelve, long enough for them to see the fireworks.
“Junmyeon, Sehun, there’s something I wanted to tell you.”
Junmyeon and Sehun looked at each other before turning to Kyungsoo.
“You look serious,” Junmyeon took a seat.
“I want to tell you this first because I don’t know how to tell Jongin…”
“We get it, you love him,” Sehun interjected.
“That’s...how….but…”
“Kyungsoo, give us a little credit,” Junmyeon smiled.
“But that’s not what I want to tell you,” Kyungsoo tried to fight off the blush forming on his face.
“What?”
Kyungsoo took a deep breath. “I finally have a job.”
It took a few moments before Sehun and Junmyeon could fully comprehend what Kyungsoo just said. Then they suddenly erupted into cheers as they took turns hugging Kyungsoo.
“That’s great news!” Junmyeon said.
“Yes. I mean, the pay might not be that big but they want me as close to the office as possible so they will rent a place for me,” Kyungsoo said.
“What?” Sehun asked. “That means…”
“I’m moving out,” Kyungsoo finished for him.
“But Kyungsoo…”
“I know, Junmyeon,” Kyungsoo sighed. “That’s why I told you first because I would need help in bringing this up to Jongin. I don’t know how to tell him. Especially since he’s been doing so well lately. And I can’t bear to change all that. I'm afraid I might trigger him. God, I can’t forgive myself if I would ever hurt Jongin.”
Junmyeon was about to say something but they heard the front door open and then slam loudly.
“Was that Jongin?” Sehun asked as he looked at the window and saw someone looking like Jongin running past it.
“Oh my god,” Junmyeon rushed to his brother’s bedroom and found it empty. “He’s gone!”
Kyungsoo was freezing. He forgot to wear gloves and a jacket in his haste to find Jongin. It was no use calling Jongin’s number since he left his phone behind.
“Come on, Jongin, where are you?” Kyungsoo was shivering in his shoes. His nose, ears, and fingers were starting to feel numb.
“Still nothing?” Sehun asked as they regrouped outside the house.
“No.”
“Kyungsoo, go inside and get a jacket,” Junmyeon told him.
“It’s just a waste of time,” Kyungsoo shook his head. His phone suddenly rang. “Hello?”
“Kyungsoo, it’s Yixing. I heard you were looking for Jongin. He was here an hour ago!”
“What? What did he do there?”
“He just said he needed some address. Then he took Monggu then ran away before I could even stop himself. I thought you knew. That’s why I was surprised when Chanyeol called and said that Jongin had run away.”
“Can you check please what he was looking for?” Kyungsoo asked. Like him, Jongin ran out of the house without any jacket on.
“I’ve been trying but I don’t know what I’m looking for.”
“Meokmul...Yixing, he was looking for the address of Meokmul’s new owners! Can you get their address please?”
“Hang on...got it! I’ll text you the address!”
Kyungsoo waited for the text but he didn’t need the address after all.
“Jongin!” Junmyeon cried as he ran towards his brother. “Where have you been?!”
“Hyung!” Jongin smiled up at his brother then looked down on the bundle in his arms, warmly wrapped in wool scarves and jacket, were two dogs.
“You’re freezing!” Sehun took off his own jacket and draped it on Jongin’s shoulders. Sehun ran back inside the house to get more jackets.
“Kyungsoo!” Jongin called him.
But Kyungsoo didn’t move. He was relieved beyond words. He can’t even express it properly.
“Kyungsoo!” Jongin called him again and then approached him when he didn’t move. “Look who I got!”
Meokmul was squirming in Jongin’s arms upon seeing Kyungsoo. She barked repeatedly until Kyungsoo took her from Jongin.
“Jongin…”
“I figured you might be lonely in your new place when you move so I thought that you will be needing Meokmul. I went to her new owners. Don’t worry, I didn’t break any law, well maybe just the Data Privacy Act, but I swear I didn’t steal her!” Jongin was beaming. His nose was red and the tips of his ears were red too but he was beaming. “The owners were still awake and I talked to them about how important Meokmul is to you. They gave in. They said that Meokmul was lonely in their home no matter what they do.”
Kyungsoo looked down to the dog in his arms who was starting to burrow into his heat. Sehun finally came back and draped a jacket on Kyungsoo and a wool scarf on Meokmul.
“Jongin, I thought...Oh my god, Jongin…” Kyungsoo can’t help but punch Jongin’s shoulder. “Jongin…”
“What?” Jongin asked. He was confused why Kyungsoo was crying. “I thought you would be happy! Kyungsoo, please don’t cry.”
“God, come here you ridiculous man,” Kyungsoo pulled Jongin closer until he was able to hug Jongin. He released him not a moment later because Monggu was whining between them.
Kyungsoo wiped his tears. “And Monggu? Why do you have him?”
“Oh, Monggu must’ve known I was at the shelter because he kept barking and Yixing can’t make him stop so I took him with me,” Jongin replied. Then he turned to his brother. “Hyung, can I keep him? Can we adopt him?”
Junmyeon doesn’t know if he should cry or laugh. He settled for an exasperated sigh.
“Can we please go inside to talk? I can no longer feel my cheeks,” Junmyeon said.
⁕⁕⁕⁕⁕⁕
Kyungsoo looked around the room. It appeared smaller now that he had moved his things. He heard barks and he shuddered to think what Meokmul destroyed in his bedroom again.
“All settled in?” Jongin asked as he entered the tiny apartment.
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo replied.
“Oh, this is better,” Jongin sat on the couch directly facing the television.
“It is?” Kyungsoo sat beside him.
“Yeah, for when we watch those late-night period dramas we don’t even understand,” Jongin chuckled.
“Jongin…”
“Kyungsoo, let me talk first,” Jongin interrupted him. “Don’t worry about me. I’ve been doing well lately. I’ve become so used to your presence in hyung’s house and I know your absence might trigger my anxiety or I don’t know, I might just get sad all of a sudden. I’m scared. I am but I have my brother now and Sehun. And Monggu. And I can always come here when it will get too much, right?”
“Yes. You’re always welcome here, Jongin.”
“The truth is...when I heard you were moving out, all I could think about was I don’t want you to be lonely. Being lonely sucks and...I don’t want you to be lonely. But since I can’t be with you yet, I thought of Meokmul. So that’s why I went for her.”
“Jongin...thank you. You didn’t have to do that but you did for me.”
“You have been taking good care of me. It’s the least I can do for you too.”
Kyungsoo took Jongin’s hands in his. “What...what do you mean that you can’t be with me yet?”
Jongin blushed. “I think it’s still early for me to be involved in a relationship when I only just started to stand on my feet. I...still have a lot of things to do...a lot of things to process...a lot of feelings to brave and I just want...I want to know if you would be willing to wait for me. I might be a work-in-process...I just want to know if you’re willing to accept something as broken as me.”
Kyungsoo cupped Jongin’s cheek. “All of us are a little broken but it takes a lot of courage to stand above all that. And of course, I will wait for you, Jongin. I will always be beside you. On your good days, on your worst days. On the bright days, on your darkest days. I will be there, I will always be there. It will not be easy, I know, but I will stay.”
“Thank you,” Jongin breathed. He leaned forward as Kyungsoo did the same but they jumped when Meokmul barked loudly.
“I should really check what Meokmul kept barking in the bedroom,” Kyungsoo apologized as he stood up.
“No worries,” Jongin sighed dejectedly.
He looked up at the window and found it shut. He went to open it.
Blue.
The sky was blue and it was the bluest sky that Jongin had ever seen. He extended his hand, imagining that he was touching the sky. Well, maybe he was.
And green. Kyungsoo’s veranda has a small garden with little zinnias.
Red, yellow, pink, purple.
Colors. So many colors.
He was finally seeing colors again.
And maybe, when he’s ready, he can show his colors to the world too.
⁕⁕⁕⁕⁕⁕End⁕⁕⁕⁕⁕⁕