Chapter Text
The fire crackling sound is just as peaceful in the dark night as Dimitri hoped it would be, so much so Dimitri forgets they’re in an endless war. He is stripped down from his armor and gauntlets when his hand reaches for the flames, he had longed for it through his day, for its warmth to emit on his face. It reminds him of his childhood days when he’d listen to his father’s tellings while anticipation drew on his face with the easy happiness for the triumphed tales.
He doesn’t remember the last time he has felt that wholeheartedly joy, he’d do anything for just one of those old days. Maybe it’ll happen sooner than he thinks, he can’t wait for tomorrow, for him to take down the one who stole all of it away from him.
The sudden door creak stirs Dimitri from his head, his eyes are quick to cast on the familiar shade, Felix enters and seals the door behind him, yanking up his sword to the ground, the loud thudding with the landing breaks the peace.
Felix doesn’t look angry or out of a fight like most of the days. Instead, he silently takes off his cape, the blue of Blaiddyd and the green of Fraldarius are in contrast on their bed. These days Felix doesn’t even bother and retreat to his room anymore, he has also ceased arguing with Dimitri or the other nobles for matters related to the country. It weighs heavy on Dimitri, how Felix appears to give in to war, or the way he stares wearily at anything and nothing. Dimitri notices how much Felix has been visiting Glenn’s and Rodrigue's graves. Felix has surrendered to the truth, they’re doomed and Dimitri can do nothing.
When Felix doesn’t unbutton his shirt, Dimitri’s eyes return to the campfire waiting for the swordsman to join him and plant himself to Dimitri’s side, they can enjoy one last evening.
“You’ve skipped dinner,” comes Felix’s voice, warning and close, Dimitri wants to hear it next to his ear, surrounding him.
Dimitri drones, but his eyes don’t tear from the blaze in front of him, “Sylvain is coming with reinforcement, that’s good news. You should celebrate that.” Felix’s voice is lastly above his ears, Dimitri makes space for him on the divan, he takes in the scent of Felix as he sits next to him, paired with something else, he turns to him, and Felix has his hands full, holding a plate with a spoon.
Dimitri’s mouth is ajar. Whenever Felix carries out such acts as if he cares about Dimitri’s wellbeing, Dimitri’s guilt swells within him. He is incapable of welcoming Felix with anything, he is unable to return the debts, immense favors, Felix keeps throwing at him. He has a broken kingdom, and a promise for death tomorrow, he wishes he could offer anything more to him.
He wishes Felix had left when he could.
“You’re hopeless without me you know, I don’t need to worry about your health too.” Felix hums the words, while he feeds Dimitri a spoon, and Felix is right.
Dimitri doesn’t take it to his mouth, instead, he mutters against the steel, “why,” his eyes instantly meet the way Felix’s are coated with annoyance, his mouth thins and he sets the spoon down the plate between his hands and places it somewhere else.
Beautiful, Felix is under the dim blaze, his eyes are that of its color, fuming the way fire is when it’s angry, or dull and peaceful like now, just looking at Dimitri. Dimitri loves them, he admires the red when it’s against the dark silky strands of Felix, colliding with his faint calm skin, Felix is who authors write about for young princesses, and princes, beautiful like dawn and bewitching like the sunset.
“What do you mean, ‘why’” Felix says, unimpressed like they’ve been through this many times as if Dimitri should be knowing, and Dimitri is only afraid to fury him.
“Why are you by my side,” when you can be somewhere better. Dimitri’s voice is heavy with anguish when he asks, his breath is hesitant and his hands search through for something to cling on, instead of Felix.
“You know why,” Felix answers with a pointed look like it’s easy as if he is an open book. Strangely, Dimitri misses when Felix yells at him, tells him to shut up and not ask such nonsense.
“I know why,” Dimitri echos. He knows, what he thinks is the gist of it at least: Felix wanted to complete Rodurige’s mission, to make certain his blood isn’t in vain, to ensure that Dimitri is a worthy king, and Dimitri wouldn’t object when it meant having Felix to himself.
Except, one glance from Felix tells him his guess is wrong. Felix always sees through him, “You really don’t know,” he grimaces, and before Felix attempts to get to his feet, as he does most time and leaves Dimitri alone, questions hang in the air. Dimitri seizes his wrist between his fingers, he’ll be damned if he doesn’t have his answer before tomorrow, “tell me,” he whispers, his gaze traps Felix’s and drags Felix to sit on his thighs, the long legs spread above the muscles of them.
They’re a heartbeat away from each other, Felix doesn’t waste time, even when he glares daggers at Dimitri. Felix kisses him like there is more than tomorrow awaiting them. He doesn’t let Dimitri run his tongue through his lips to part them effortlessly, he leaves Dimitri to chase after them. Felix separates their bodies easily, although, his eyes crave for another kiss while he utters, “you know now.”
It’s not enough for Dimitri, they’ve kissed plenty; he needs to know. He squeezes at Felix’s wrist, and his fingers stay clutched around it. “No, I want to hear it. I want to hear you speak it, so I can die in peace.” he almost begs, voice hitching under the sharp gaze Felix pins him with. Dimitri knows if he pronounces any more, he’ll break.
“I’m leaving if you are going to speak of your death as if it’s in your plans tomorrow, I’ll not feed into this,” he yanks his hand free from Dimitri’s hold and turns his face away from Dimitri’s view. The darkness crawls around them, but Dimitri isn’t blind. Felix’s eyes glisten with tears, clenching Dimitri’s chest when he sees him so miserable, “I apologize, I- I don’t know anything but upsetting you-” He shakes his head as he speaks.
“I thought you understood, from the day I oathed to you, boar. I knew the kingdom is doomed against the empire, more than that... I knew if I left, I would be just as damned.” Felix cuts Dimitri’s words, his words piercing through Dimitri’s self-loathing. If Dimitri puts the pieces Felix throws at him now and then together, he’d think Felix loves him.
Dimitri remembers the day Felix oathed to him distinctly. It happened after Felix had taken an arrow for Dimitri. It would’ve been fatal at Dimitri’s heart if it hit him, but Felix came to rescue. Dimitri had uncaringly kissed him then, crashed their lips and teeth together at the battleground. Within the rush, Felix had opened his mouth for him and let the king take from him until he whispered for Dimitri to name him his shield.
“Felix you can still run, run far and away, you’ll have a beautiful family and with your skills, you’ll earn money quickly.” Dimitri insists, his hands finding Felix’s warm ones to tug on, to affirm that it’s alright if he does, if Dimitri wakes up tomorrow morning with an empty bed, cold at his side, he’d understand. Dimitri’s vengeance belongs to him and him only. If he can save the person he cares for the most, he will attempt to.
Even if the thought jabs at his heart, or the air thins within his words.
“Don’t you dare and insult my oath. I said it then and I’ll say it again, until death has me, I’m yours.” Felix tangles their fingers together, only it’s hard to believe when Felix has been cursing Fearghus and its knighthood for ages, “we’ve walked the same path, I’m not letting you go down now without a fight. I know how much you fear the fall, boar. I’m here to help you land.” Felix’s voice is strong, offering Dimitri a hand to reach for and ground on. He is ever honest, so Dimitri asks again, desperate for an answer, “just, why?” You deserve better, he wants to finish and he laments under Felix’s gaze, voice wavering like a sick dog.
“Because I want to, Dimitri. It might surprise you but that’s the only reasoning behind it.” He says, unfamiliarly gentle, Dimitri’s name tastes sweet on his lips. Dimitri wishes that he had known earlier to this, that’s all it takes to soften the sharp edges of his former best friend.
Name me your shield, Felix said to him, I might resent you but I won’t leave you to death, you’re mine. He said when Dimitri attempted to dispute his request, refusing to drag Felix through this path.
Because I want to, Dimitri, the words ring in Dimitri’s head.
It clicks in as Dimitri dwells on Felix’s soft-spoken words, their hands locked together and all of their nights spent in his chambers, “because you love me,” he mutters like it’s a revelation, striving to believe it. It’s easier when Felix cradles his fingers between Dimitri’s hair and brings him for another kiss, “because I love you,” Felix repeats against his lips before he seals their mouths together, and oh, how it makes Dimitri happy.
Felix gave him everything that he doesn’t care if they won’t see tomorrow’s light or if it is their goodbye anymore.
Dimitri pretends he doesn’t see the soft smile tugging at the end of Felix’s lips, it’s hard to when he hasn’t seen it in more than a decade, so he presses his lips at the edge of Felix’s mouth, just to make certain it’s there. “Tell me again,” Dimitri demands, because he wants to watch Felix smile again, because no matter how much Felix will say it, Dimitri won’t believe it; won’t get tired of trying to.
“Earn it,” Felix whispers, and smirks filthy, pressing against his ear, “earn it and let me kiss you this way tomorrow, when we’re victorious.”